Silence Is Golden: A protest against hostility and censorship against BDSM

156 views
Skip to first unread message

Isaac

unread,
Feb 28, 2012, 2:19:32 PM2/28/12
to KinkForAll
As maymay requested on Rebecca's Facebook note, I'm posting a link to
a copy of the slideshow we wrote the night before the KFADEN event.
Because it was so impromptu there's reference to QR codes, which we
ended up using links instead for sake of ease to get the slides out.
Each slide ran for one minute fifteen seconds. As soon as the videos
post, you'll see that there was no other speech or participation,
other than me nodding my head when an audience member asked if it was
OK to join.

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B9XNzs-WrOfrWlJOREFqbElRZ0dkMWgxeldGMjRMQQ

Secondly, maymay said (on the same facebook note) that there were
individuals who stood with us and felt mislead about the nature of the
protest, and that they regretted standing with us. I would encourage
any who felt that way to speak publicly about their experience, much
of our aim was to give a voice to those who were otherwise rendered
invisible and it's important to me that someone who gave their voice
to that and regretted it have the ability to retract their
participation and why they regret their actions.

Thank you! And once again, I'm really pleased with how everything
turned out, I really believe that an open access forum like this is a
terrific idea and has amazing potential.

Isaac

maymay

unread,
Feb 28, 2012, 2:44:14 PM2/28/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com
On Feb 28, 2012, at 12:19 PM, Isaac wrote:

> As maymay requested on Rebecca's Facebook note, I'm posting a link to
> a copy of the slideshow we wrote the night before the KFADEN event.
>

> […]


>
> Secondly, maymay said (on the same facebook note) that there were
> individuals who stood with us and felt mislead about the nature of the
> protest, and that they regretted standing with us. I would encourage
> any who felt that way to speak publicly about their experience, much
> of our aim was to give a voice to those who were otherwise rendered
> invisible and it's important to me that someone who gave their voice
> to that and regretted it have the ability to retract their
> participation and why they regret their actions.

For those interested, that reference to Facebook is here:

https://www.facebook.com/notes/rebecca-crane/kinkforall-denver-rumor-control/10150557701106536

I appreciate the amount of work you put into writing URLs onto the mailing list archives in your slides, Isaac. I wish you'd done the same linking to the Facebook thread in your email just now, for all the reasons I already mentioned on Facebook.

Cheers,
-maymay
Blog: http://maybemaimed.com
Talk show: http://KinkOnTap.com
Community: http://KinkForAll.org

Jeff Jizz

unread,
Feb 28, 2012, 8:03:40 PM2/28/12
to KinkForAll
Um yeah considering we know everyone who joined us except one person I
dont buy it. Good spin attempt though.

Oh and Isaac, shame on you for not pointing the conversation to
Facebook. Please pay attention to the passive aggressive details next
time!

On Feb 28, 2:44 pm, maymay <bitetheappleb...@gmail.com> wrote:
> On Feb 28, 2012, at 12:19 PM, Isaac wrote:
>
> > As maymay requested on Rebecca's Facebook note, I'm posting a link to
> > a copy of the slideshow we wrote the night before the KFADEN event.
>
> > […]
>
> > Secondly, maymay said (on the same facebook note) that there were
> > individuals who stood with us and felt mislead about the nature of the
> > protest, and that they regretted standing with us.  I would encourage
> > any who felt that way to speak publicly about their experience, much
> > of our aim was to give a voice to those who were otherwise rendered
> > invisible and it's important to me that someone who gave their voice
> > to that and regretted it have the ability to retract their
> > participation and why they regret their actions.
>
> For those interested, that reference to Facebook is here:
>
> https://www.facebook.com/notes/rebecca-crane/kinkforall-denver-rumor-...

maymay

unread,
Feb 28, 2012, 9:07:05 PM2/28/12
to KinkForAll
On Feb 28, 6:03 pm, Jeff Jizz <safewe...@yahoo.com> wrote:
> Um yeah considering we know everyone who joined us except one person I
> dont buy it. Good spin attempt though.

Are you calling me a liar, Jeff? For your own sake, you better trust
me when I say I won't ever forget you've done that.

Sable Schultz

unread,
Feb 28, 2012, 9:36:39 PM2/28/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com
I believe Jeff is stating that he is not willing to simply buy into a single person's statement about something without some form of proof or validation.

Surely you would not ask any other person to just take any one person's word on anything, would you maymay?  I thought challenging attitudes and statements by people claiming to have authoritative knowledge without proof is one of the things you stood for.

sable twilight
"Just on the border, Of your waking mind, There lies, Another plain, Where darkness and light are one, And as you tread the halls of sanity, You feel so glad to be, Unable to go beyond, I have a message, From another time..."
-ELO "Prologue" Time


--
You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google
Groups "KinkForAll" group.
To post to this group, send email to kinkf...@googlegroups.com
To unsubscribe from this group, send email to
kinkforall+...@googlegroups.com
For more options, visit this group at
https://groups.google.com/group/kinkforall?hl=en
Visit and contribute to the KinkForAll wiki at
http://wiki.KinkForAll.org

Jeff Jizz

unread,
Feb 28, 2012, 9:30:38 PM2/28/12
to KinkForAll
For my own sake??? What are you implying Maymay? Are we resorting to
threats now?

ashi

unread,
Feb 28, 2012, 10:39:32 PM2/28/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com
On Tuesday, February 28, 2012, maymay wrote:
Are you calling me a liar, Jeff? For your own sake, you better trust
me when I say I won't ever forget you've done that.

Please remove me from this testosterone-poisoned list.


 

Cheers,
-maymay
Blog: http://maybemaimed.com
Talk show: http://KinkOnTap.com
Community: http://KinkForAll.org

Siren Sage

unread,
Feb 29, 2012, 12:05:07 AM2/29/12
to KinkForAll
Thanks for posting this Isaac. For the record, as someone who
participated in Silence Is Golden, I would like it to be known that I
have no regrets about doing so. While I believe there was one quote
used out of context, I overall agreed with the spirit of the protest
and would participate again.


On Feb 28, 8:39 pm, ashi <vio...@queerlyamorous.org> wrote:
> On Tuesday, February 28, 2012, maymay wrote:
> > Are you calling me a liar, Jeff? For your own sake, you better trust
> > me when I say I won't ever forget you've done that.
>
> Please remove me from this testosterone-poisoned list.


Seconded! Also, maymay, I for one am disgusted by your temper
tantrums and veiled threats. For all our sake, please stop acting like
exactly the kind of overly aggressive, power hungry asshole I know (or
perhaps just hope) you disdain.

~Siren

maymay

unread,
Feb 29, 2012, 7:32:18 AM2/29/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com
I've added a reply in the Facebook thread Isaac referenced earlier[0] where I wrote to Mabel. Since it's long, I've also embedded it at the end of this message since I imagine it might be easier for some who are interested in this to read it in plain text than it might be to read on Facebook. (That's true for me, anyway.) Plus, it's relevant to KinkForAll more generally, so it's sensible to archive it here, too.

Also, this is worth saying:

On Feb 28, 2012, at 7:30 PM, Jeff Jizz wrote:

> For my own sake??? What are you implying Maymay? Are we resorting to threats now?

Jeff, thanks to your consistent ad-hominen insults against me and others even before this thread started,[1][2] you shouldn't misinterpret my words to you as a threat. Think of them more like a promise. It's a promise that means exactly what I said: I will never forget your behavior.

I don't appreciate being called "a blog whore,"[1] beyond the fact that using "whore" as a slur is not acceptable in the first place. I also don't appreciate that you said this in reference to Alisa:[2]

> Lol oh look another star fucker. Just read her blog and you can see whose blog whoring dick is up her ass. Blog culture is dumb and full of sheep.

If you're surprised that I'm not afraid to verbally bash back after seeing misogynistic comments you made about people in relation to KinkForAll, you're even more deluded than I thought. You deserve no more attention from me.

Cheers,
-maymay
Blog: http://maybemaimed.com
Talk show: http://KinkOnTap.com
Community: http://KinkForAll.org

EXTERNAL REFERENCES:

[0] https://www.facebook.com/notes/rebecca-crane/kinkforall-denver-rumor-control/10150557701106536
[1] https://fetlife.com/users/19763/pictures/9692007#comment_26447189
[2] https://fetlife.com/users/461781/posts/933149#post_comment_2993226

---- BEGIN COPY OF RESPONSE TO MABEL ON FACEBOOK ----

> ‎Mabel, first, thank you and the rest of the T-Haus folks kindly for letting me crash on your couch the other night after my alternative plans fell through.[0]
>
> Second, I apologize for the verbosity of this reply. I am choosing length over brevity in favor of adding depth to this conversation. Unfortunately, Facebook limits comments to a certain length which I've exceeded, so this comment is chunked into a set. Again, my apologies for whatever inconvenience this causes you.
>
> Thing is, since numerous people in this thread, such as Isaac and yourself, have expressed distaste at "reading blogs" and so on, even though that's where the majority of this stuff has already been hashed out in my own history, I feel it's worth actually writing this through rather than simply linking you to those existing references. That said, I'm still going to embed many links in this post so please feel free to ALSO follow up with those references if you are moved to do so.
>
> And also, I do hope you're moved to read the linked references. I understand that these communiqués are not your cup of tea, but in the spirit of meeting people where they are, please understand that, as a cyborg, it is important to me that those who care enough to understand and listen to my perspective do so in a way that lets me make use of the toolset for interacting with the world in the way that I have learned to survive in it.[1] I feel this is the corollary to listening to you and asking clarifying questions rather than rebutting you when you confronted me at Bearsnail's tour kickoff the other night.[2]
>
> In other words: I was not paying you lip service, I *did* listen to you, as I have to many others. However, perhaps partly because we did not get a chance to finish our conversation that night, I did not feel heard by you. That's okay; our conversation that night was not about you listening to me, it was about me listening to you. In THIS comment, despite its verbosity, however, I request the same courtesy from you: please “listen” (read) as many of my words in their full and original context as you feel willing to do, even if it does mean you spend more time than you'd like at your computer doing so. :)
>
> I want to address your comment specifically, Mabel, because I feel that our conversation the other night *was* productive and useful, and, like I said then, I greatly respected the way you spoke your mind directly to me. This makes me feel a great deal *more* respect for you than I do for others, notably, Isaac or Jeff, precisely because of your willingness to have and stick with difficult emotional conversations in a manner that doesn't rely on sensationalist, decontextualized performance art that makes some of its own participants feel apologetic for participating in it. It's this respect I have for you that makes me confident in my belief engaging with you will be productive to the larger conversation I started back on the mailing list those many weeks ago, rather than contribute more stop energy[3] to this thread, like I already see others doing. (And, modeling that directness, I'm looking at Saskia's earlier comment when I say "stop energy".)
>
> So, Mabel, you say:
>
>> "We were in no danger of being taken over by the BDSM scene in a way that would have made KFADEN ruinously inaccessible to the folks who might already be fearful of the word kink[…]."
>
> Perhaps this is true. On the other hand, perhaps it is not. I remain skeptical, so I invite you to work through a postmortem analysis with me.
>
> If we take a look at the resulting schedule grid from KFADEN,[4] I can count at least 7 sessions out of the 41 that are currently listed that were what I would describe as "BDSM-centric." These were:
>
> * Kink 101 - Crow
> * Female Top/Switch Invisibility - Kari
> * Creating Change Conference and Kink Politics
> * Silence is Golden - Isaac
> * Injecting Fun into Kink - Heather Daisy
> * Class, Inclusivity, and BDSM/"Kink" Discussion - Owen
> * Kink and Mental Health - Jeff
>
> If in this count I also include sessions whose focus feels to me to be somewhat fuzzy in that respect, or whose contents felt to me to be using "kink" specifically to contrast with "vanilla,"[5] then the number jumps to 10 and includes the following additional sessions.
>
> * Intersections of Mental Health, Sexuality, and Community - Evey
> * Intersections of Trans and Kink Identities - Alyssa
> * Human Centered Design for Better Community Experience -Alisa
>
> Out of 41 sessions, 10 spoke directly to or were mostly influenced by BDSM-centric ideologies. I want to be clear here that when I say "BDSM-centric ideologies" I am not also saying "bad and not worth presenting." In fact, Alyssa and Alisa's sessions were two of my personal favorites. Nevertheless, as an example, Alisa's case study was about sexually submissive men; that's BDSM specific. Alyssa's session drew parallels between trans identity and experience and "kink" identities ala "sexuality that is forbidden,"[6] and, later, participants in the discussion Alyssa started referenced BDSM more precisely at some points.[7] (Which, as an aside, I think is AWESOME and something I'm so glad to see others doing—so, THANK YOU, Alyssa, for that session!—since I'm often attacked for doing similar things.)[8]
>
> So 10 sessions out of 41 is 24.39%. If we make equal space for discussions about non-BDSM topic-centrism, that leaves only 3 other dominant topics. Looking at the schedule grid again, I would say that there *was* at least one different dominant topic: gender. Alyssa made this point beautifully in an earlier comment in this thread!
>
> It's also not just Alyssa's experience. Take a brief listen to the first couple of minutes of the "Opening Your Relationship" session recorded from the livestream. In particular, listen for these quotes, right at the beginning of the video:[9]
>
> Person wearing blue: "I'm actually surprised that more of the community didn't come down today."
>
> Person off-camera: "Well, I'd say that, A) the crowd here seems to be skewed young, but more importantly, especially if you look at the topics, it's skewed towards gender issues and—"
>
> Person wearing blue: "Right, right."
>
> Person off-camera: "—not so much, well, I saw a little bit on what I would consider to be 'kink', and very little on what I would consider relationship organizations. I think it's just a matter of the crowd."
>
> Note also that the majority of the BDSM-centric sessions occurred before Isaac's session, which is one reason I'm so glad Isaac's session went the way it did. This is actually a REALLY IMPORTANT point. By way of example, please let me share some anecdotes of my own experience during the day.
>
> In the first session slot at 10:40 AM in Room C, Crow presented "Kink 101."[10] I encourage you to listen to this presentation as it is exemplary of the sort of thing I want to discourage from KinkForAll precisely because its content is so pervasive—and rather essentialist in a whole slew of repulsive ways—elsewhere in BDSM communities. Crow seemed really excited to give the presentation, which is awesome; I don't know whether or not Crow has ever given presentations to BDSM community organizations in the past, but if Saskia and Jeff are still reading, perhaps this would be a good opportunity for them to invite Crow to do something along the lines of that "Kink 101" session in their RACK Room space?
>
> Here's the thing: when I went over the pictures of the schedule grid for KFADEN (and let me insert a HUGE thanks to Dakota for taking so many awesome pictures of this throughout the day!), I noticed that Crow also signed up on to do a talk called "What To Do When Your Scene Turns South", which you can see was slated for 1:40 PM in Room C.[11]
>
> After Isaac's session, I saw Crow leave KFADEN. I overheard them saying very loudly, "It appears SOME OF US are unwelcome here," to which I responded by calling out, "Thank you for doing your thing earlier today." And they said, "Yeah," and left. Someone must have taken Crow's sticky note off the schedule grid and it was eventually replaced by Dakota's "Using Gender Neutral Pronouns." After KFADEN was over, I learned that it was the tweets about this "using GNPs" session[12] that caught Paula’s eye, who volunteered during Closing Essential Communications[13] to get the ball rolling for KFADEN2 or for KinkForAll Boulder, to get on a bus and head down to the event.
>
> Mabel, when we talked about the "overabundance of BDSM-centric presentations" at KinkForAll, you skeptically asked me if this had been a problem in the past. I said yes. Bluntly, I did not feel you believed me. I tried to articulate to you the way I felt it important to disentangle two things: 1) the fact that the word "kink" lacks cross-cultural consensus and is thus illegible to many[14] and 2) the distinction between systemic perspectives/structural influences and individualistic perspectives/autonomous actions.[15]
>
> I commend you (and Siren, and others) for critiquing the power I have as a "founder" of KinkForAll. I believe power always deserves criticism, even if we agree with it, we should fucking criticize it. So you and others are totally on-point with some of your critiques regarding the powerful influences I have on the KinkForAll mailing list and other such spaces.[16] What I feel is missing from your critiques, however, is an awareness of what I am doing with this power, and why.
>
> You say:
>
>> "I really think you did more harm than good in your participation in KFADEN and I fear you're going to continue this pattern elsewhere, as it's become such a part of your explicitly stated role."
>
> I am genuinely curious: Do you really believe that? If so, in coming to that conclusion, are you also considering all the forces at play that make anecdotes like the one I shared above possible, in the first place? Do you see what else I could be doing with the power I have as an influential force related to KinkForAll? E.g., I could have easily made KinkForAll *THE* unconference/convergence for the BDSM Scene. It would have been easy; all I would have had to do was nothing challenging at all.
>
> If I had done nothing, KinkForAll would have been overrun by what I termed on the mailing list "privileged BDSM bullshit" very, very quickly. Take a look at past session grids:
>
> * Out of 46 sessions, KFANYC1 had 25 BDSM-centric sessions, and many of these were explicitly play related. (See, for instance "Suturing 101," "Basic Rope," "Seven Piercing Disasters," and so on.)[17] That's 54.34%.
> * Out of 42 sessions, KFANYC2 had 17 BDSM-centric sessions.[18] That's 40.47%.
> * Out of 28 sessions, KFABOS had 14 BDSM-centric sessions.[19] That's 50%.
> * Out of 14 sessions, KFASF had 5 BDSM-centric sessions.[20] That's 35.71%.
>
> I could go on, but I think you get the point. Contrast this to KFADEN, which, as I mentioned, had 41 sessions and 10 BDSM-centric ones (24.39%), or even less if we consider just the first count of 7. On the other hand, if we assume that, for instance, Saskia's original topic suggestions of "Temporary body mod/art (would need volunteer bodies willing to be stapled/sutured/pierced), Biofeedback breathing for pain and stress management and for enhancing play time, Lead discussion on erotic humiliation vs degradation" would have actually happened, then the BDSM-centrism we are talking about would have been even *more* pronounced at KFADEN.
>
> Moreover, this creates what I've called "perlocutionary effects," an indirect influence over future topics. One example of this in action can be observed by listening to the "three word intros" in the Opening Essential Communications session at the beginning of the day at KFADEN. Right before the beginning of the "Energetic Fucking" session,[21] Sable made the observation that the whole three word intros things privileges those with simple identities and marginalizes people with more complex identities. This is a good observation but an off-point critique because the three word intros are just that: three *words.*
>
> If you listen to the livestream recording of that session, what you'll hear is numerous people using words that aren't very identity-centric at first. For example, one person said, "Curious, confused, here!" In the past, I've used three-word phrases like, "I'm so exhausted!" or “Travelled from SF!” However, as we continued around the room, and as more people chose to use identity-centric words to introduce themselves, it became a game of telephone. By the time we got around to Sable, my guess is that people understood "three word intros" to *mean* "three identity labels." But that's a perlocutionary effect[22] of the space, i.e., an individual's interpolation of previous people's individual actions, *not* a part of KinkForAll's structural building blocks.
>
> (As an aside, nevertheless, perhaps this is an area where KinkForAll's format can be improved, and if anyone has suggestions about how to modify this part of the Essential Communications templates[23] that acknowledges perlocutionary effects exists whether we like it or not, yet remains structurally supportive of autonomous actions, I invite you to bring those ideas up for discussion on the KinkForAll mailing list.)[24]
>
> What I have learned is that the more antagonistic I am to the BDSM Scene, the more space my actions as an individual are able to create for, in Alyssa's words, "people who are frequently silenced or made invisible even in sex-positive spaces." And this gets personal for me because, bluntly, I am one of those people.[25] It's also worth noting that there *is* a distinction between "maymay" and "KinkForAll," and while I *do* have an enormous amount of influence over KinkForAll relative to, say, Isaac, that does not make it appropriate or acceptable to treat me as having the same kind of power nor the equivalent amount of it as a structural force with systemic biases against the work I am trying to do for myself to make my life worth living.
>
> I fucking run myself into the ground almost every damn time I support a local unorganizer (Rebecca Crane, in this case), and the REASON I do that is precisely because I am aware that "whoever does the work owns the conference," to use Alisa's words.[26] Period. If I want to own the conference, then I better fucking get flyers printed and distribute them, have meetings with people who might share our space, video record something, do a session, go to events that I've never considered going to before to talk up the event so people who I'd never otherwise meet will hear about the event, document the methodology and then send people those resources when they ask for help, buy snacks, fund raise, make contingency plans, and so much more.
>
> That does not mean others' contributions, such as yours, are not appreciated or important. They are! What it means is that your efforts are not directed in the same direction as mine. And that's WHY your contributions are so valuable. KFADEN could not have happened without you, Mabel, and like I said when we spoke, I am grateful to you for that. What I ask of you, please, is to recognize that my actions are targeted, intentional, sorely fucking lacking, and arguably more integrious than many of my detractors' actions precisely BECAUSE I have expressly stated my intentions, I make my actions accountable to MYSELF rather than hiding behind organizational red tape, and I do not start rumors or whisper campaigns about petty shit like "misappropriation of funds" in the amounts of $25, which I have been repeatedly questioned about. That is some serious derailing bullshit right there and I would like to have some heated words with whoever's thoughtless enough to spread lies about me.[27]
>
> These petty rumors are infuriating and ultimately feckless in comparison to many others I've had to deal with in the past,[28] but they do serve as an illustrative reminder of what sorts of things happen when one challenges a systemic force—and I believe you are capable of understanding the ways in which the BDSM Scene is a systemic force with power worth criticizing.[29] And also like I told you that night when we spoke, it has been *physically dangerous* for me to be as open as I am about the pains I have experienced and others have written, spoken, and cried to me about at the hands of the BDSM Scene for a long time. And again, let me be clear: I do NOT mean "at Saskia or Jeff's hands," but rather I mean at the hands of the *institutions known as Scenes.* And in this, I do not limit my critique to the BDSM Scene, but rather to all social structures that are affected by what Corey Robin calls "the private life of power."[30]
>
> So, yes, I have power. I genuinely thank you for critiquing my powers. I also ask that when you do so, please be mindful of what I am doing with this power. I don't believe your intent is to make me feel guilty for using my power, but even if it is, I refuse to feel that way.[31] Please understand that my actions come from a place of both extremely deep personal grievance and anger, as well as an extremely well-thought out tactical and strategic plan of action. Please believe me when I say I am *extremely* aware of the privileges I have. I ask that if you are unwilling or unable to hear my whole story and my critiques of the BDSM Scene,[32][33][34][35][36][37][38][39][40] (please, please, please read the many things I have written about my experiences if you would like to get to know me or why I choose to do what I do) at least believe me when I assure you that I am mindful of where, how, and for what ends I am using these privileges, the powers that come with them, and the contexts in which I am choosing to exert them.[41] I am using this power in a way no one else seems to be doing precisely because no one thinks doing what I am doing is worth doing. And that, frankly, is something I find closed-minded about your critique thus far because it does not acknowledge that a diversity of tactics is as important as a diversity of topics.
>
> On that note, let me share another anecdote. At KFADEN, someone came up to me and remarked that they found my critique of The RACK Room[15] to be unfounded because, and I'm paraphrasing, "It's unfair to make that critique just based on the photos hung on the walls." I answered this person by asking, "Did you follow any of the links and read their content?" They answered, "No." So I said, "Consider the fact that my critique is not solely based on this one thing, and consider also that you could learn more about my views if you followed those links."
>
> That is why I feel insulted and my experience trivialized, Mabel, when you say things like this to me:
>
>> "Maymay, you'll recall at that point I brought up anti-oppression work, and the importance of shutting up and sitting aside when *repeatedly* called out for unwelcome silencing tactics rather than just going to the next city and playing out your power role all over again in what seems to be a deep-seated personal grudge match with BDSMers."
>
> I plead with you, please, do not think I have not thought what I am doing through. Do not make the mistake of treating me as though I am not able or willing to do the work of moving up when I feel it is appropriate for myself to do so, or of moving back when I understand that would be useful.
>
> I *do* understand that what I am doing appears to you to be just a "personal grudge match," but what that tells me is that you do not actually know me or my experiences. Thus, you are not yet able to empathize with me. That's okay, it's not your job to do so. But if you want to "call me out," please at least consider doing so AFTER making the effort to understand me in full, not just using cherry-picked quotes that pissed off some of your friends.
>
> And on that note, Isaac, you told me earlier that you were "sensitive to the fact that the gay community was also under represented on Saturday." Knowing this, I have to question why you found it a more valuable use of your time and energy to metaphorically stomp your foot and cry "Censorship!" instead of, I don't know, reaching out to your connections in the gay community and encouraging them to come to KinkForAll Denver. Frankly, due to your actions, I don't trust you, your motives, or your ability to understand the systemic influences under which you are operating.
>
> That being said, I still really appreciate your session, since it helped me achieve my goals for KFADEN and has helped me lay a fantastic foundation for future conversations about the complex intricacies of scoped power and privilege that are illegible to many people in sex-positive, queer, and radical movements. For that, I sincerely thank you, and I look forward to our future tussles. ;)
>
> Finally, Jeff, you said this in an earlier comment in this thread:
>
> "We helped organize this. All but one person at the Boulder unorganizing meeting was a BDSMer."
>
> So, hey, thanks for helping me prove my points. And in one sentence, no less. You're a rock star. Rock on.
>
> Cheers,
> -maymay
> http://maybemaimed.com/cv/
>
> EXTERNAL REFERENCES:
>
> [0] https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151332744335005&l=de9bb444ec
> [1] http://maymay.net/blog/2011/11/05/on-being-a-social-cyborg-how-icalendar-helps-me-fight-loneliness/
> [2] https://www.facebook.com/events/272982009436290/
> [3] http://maybemaimed.com/2010/02/24/open-thread-when-educators-are-censors/
> [4] http://wiki.KinkForAll.org/KinkForAllDenverSchedule
> [5] http://maybemaimed.com/2010/10/05/honor-thy-language-kinky-is-an-adjective-not-an-activity/
> [6] https://twitter.com/maymaym/status/174287768606883840
> [7] http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/20695631/highlight/245078
> [8] http://days.maybemaimed.com/post/17865402220/this-simple-information-graphic-depicts-various
> [9] http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/20695631/highlight/245063
> [10] http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/20690619/highlight/244756
> [11] http://www.flickr.com/photos/77347861@N02/6932687309/
> [12] https://twitter.com/drtangential/status/173494947503280128
> [13] http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/20697390/highlight/245088
> [14] http://maybemaimed.com/2012/02/23/invisibility-versus-illegibility-kinkforall-shows-how-kink-is-everything-you-didnt-know-it-can-be/
> [15] http://days.maybemaimed.com/post/17854730707/individualism-versus-systems-behavior-you-are-not-a
> [16] http://kinkinexile.wordpress.com/2012/02/05/baby-with-the-bath-water/#comment-1184
> [17] http://wiki.KinkForAll.org/KinkForAllNewYorkCitySchedule
> [18] http://wiki.KinkForAll.org/KinkForAllNewYorkCity2Schedule
> [19] http://wiki.KinkForAll.org/KinkForAllBostonSchedule
> [20] http://wiki.KinkForAll.org/KinkForAllSanFranciscoSchedule
> [21] http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/20690619/highlight/244765
> [22] https://secure.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/wiki/Perlocutionary_act
> [23] http://wiki.KinkForAll.org/EssentialCommunications
> [24] http://wiki.KinkForAll.org/UsingTheKinkForAllMailingList
> [25] http://days.maybemaimed.com/post/10422252352/omnipresent-eroticization-can-suck-my-big
> [26] http://kinkinexile.wordpress.com/2012/02/27/create-awesome-or-create-cliques-your-choice/
> [27] https://groups.google.com/group/kinkforall/browse_thread/thread/3384fc7f07c26d34#msg_0414d440dea2fc4c
> [28] http://www.amptoons.com/blog/2010/04/06/salvation-army-attacks-sex-positive-activist-through-its-human-trafficking-email-list/
> [29] http://thirdxlucky.wordpress.com/2012/02/08/hate-all-the-systems-love-all-the-people/
> [30] http://days.maybemaimed.com/post/14858281678/p-olitical-motivated-firings-fit-into-a-much
> [31] https://twitter.com/maymaym/status/172985580844630016
> [32] http://maybemaimed.com/2011/05/19/story-of-how-to-improve-the-future-always-hate-the-status-quo/
> [33] http://days.maybemaimed.com/post/16036372049/the-bdsm-scenes-whiteness-is-classism-at-work
> [34] http://maybemaimed.com/2011/12/04/on-being-bondage-furniture/
> [35] http://maybemaimed.com/2011/06/02/signal-boost-the-devaluation-of-male-submission/
> [36] http://maybemaimed.com/2011/07/16/on-letting-the-world-burn/
> [37] http://maybemaimed.com/2011/04/20/we-are-all-victims-even-the-revolutionaries/
> [38] http://maybemaimed.com/2010/10/13/its-not-changing-the-world-thats-hard/
> [39] http://malesubmissionart.com/post/5498352136/an-opulently-dressed-man-in-greek-inspired
> [40] http://maybemaimed.com/2011/05/02/my-unreal-experience-on-the-kink-inc-armory-tour/
> [41] http://days.maybemaimed.com/post/17865402220/this-simple-information-graphic-depicts-various

---- END COPY OF RESPONSE TO MABEL ON FACEBOOK ----

Jeff Jizz

unread,
Feb 29, 2012, 8:41:16 AM2/29/12
to KinkForAll
Maymay, when I say blog whore I mean that everything you do online is
meant to generate traffic to your blog. You even embed tags on this
group. You have a tactic of stirring up shit and then using that
exchange to drive more traffic. When I see a similar smearing tactic
against my peers it comes off as more of the same. Call my words
misogynistic if you need, but considering several of those upset at
you in that thread are local feminist activists, well I will leave it
at that.

Once again this is becoming about you, so I am ending this as I will
not participate in an SEO campaign for your blog.

On Feb 29, 7:32 am, maymay <bitetheappleb...@gmail.com> wrote:
> I've added a reply in the Facebook thread Isaac referenced earlier[0] where I wrote to Mabel. Since it's long, I've also embedded it at the end of this message since I imagine it might be easier for some who are interested in this to read it in plain text than it might be to read on Facebook. (That's true for me, anyway.) Plus, it's relevant to KinkForAll more generally, so it's sensible to archive it here, too.
>
> Also, this is worth saying:
>
> On Feb 28, 2012, at 7:30 PM, Jeff Jizz wrote:
>
> > For my own sake??? What are you implying Maymay? Are we resorting to threats now?
>
> Jeff, thanks to your consistent ad-hominen insults against me and others even before this thread started,[1][2] you shouldn't misinterpret my words to you as a threat. Think of them more like a promise. It's a promise that means exactly what I said: I will never forget your behavior.
>
> I don't appreciate being called "a blog whore,"[1] beyond the fact that using "whore" as a slur is not acceptable in the first place. I also don't appreciate that you said this in reference to Alisa:[2]
>
> > Lol oh look another star fucker. Just read her blog and you can see whose blog whoring dick is up her ass. Blog culture is dumb and full of sheep.
>
> If you're surprised that I'm not afraid to verbally bash back after seeing misogynistic comments you made about people in relation to KinkForAll, you're even more deluded than I thought. You deserve no more attention from me.
>
> Cheers,
> -maymay
> Blog:http://maybemaimed.com
> Talk show:http://KinkOnTap.com
> Community:http://KinkForAll.org
>
> EXTERNAL REFERENCES:
>
> [0]https://www.facebook.com/notes/rebecca-crane/kinkforall-denver-rumor-...
> ...
>
> read more »

Benjamin Kowalski

unread,
Feb 29, 2012, 2:17:19 PM2/29/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com
maymay, I really appreciate this explanation of how you felt past KinkForAll events were dominated by cookie-cutter BDSM sessions, to the detriment of the overall feel of the event.  My impression is that you're trying single-handedly to fight this tendency, which frankly sounds exhausting.  What if, instead, we try to generate more initial buy-in for this idea?  What if we take the route of radical transparency, and straight-up *tell people* that we do want to have provocative conversations that touch on BDSM topics *and also* that we're worried about those conversations dominating the space inappropriately?  (I think I'm paraphrasing what you just said)  Then we could *ask them for help* in keeping that from happening, as equals -- wouldn't that be more in tune with the collaborative spirit of KFA?

Do you really feel that nobody else would get behind this?  Of course I'd anticipate a lot of pushback and further discussion (e.g. do session slots feel like a scarce resource we have to compete for? maybe that's a distinct but related problem, etc etc)  But it feels like those are at least the right *kinds* of discussions to be having.

Ben

Rebecca Crane

unread,
Feb 29, 2012, 2:48:46 PM2/29/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com
I like Ben's idea about having explicit and thoughtful conversations with future participants about KFADENs being welcoming but intentionally challenging spaces. :-)

Sable Schultz

unread,
Feb 29, 2012, 2:56:24 PM2/29/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com

Here is the thing though.  It is my understanding some of the presentations which were shot down where not even BDSM related.  They were just going to be shared by people who are prominant figures in the Colorado BDSM scene.

For example, one of the ideas was - and I cannot remember the exact name - was on breathing exercises and intimacy.  Now this is classic Tantric work, not necessarily BDSM related at all.  These basic breathing techniques are something Tantric practioners often charge quite a bit of money for a class like this.  And we had someone willing to teach this stuff *for free*.

So, because of this personal vendetta against the BDSM scene, KFADen missed an oppurtuninty to receive a free class on something which normally runs anywhere from $25 to $100 per participant to take.

Benjamin Kowalski

unread,
Feb 29, 2012, 3:12:47 PM2/29/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com
Rebecca, I wasn't actually trying to talk about the "intentionally challenging" thing, but here too I think we'd be best served by radical transparency.  If "intentionally challenging" is code for "we want this to be a space where we can critique systematic problems in our various alt-sex communities, or maybe just realize that there are radically different possibilities for community organizing", then we should say exactly that.  I think that's a goal that a *lot* of us would already get behind; the coded language is both unnecessary and invites misunderstanding.
Ben

Rebecca Crane

unread,
Feb 29, 2012, 6:35:16 PM2/29/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com
For what it's worth, Sable, I had an extended e-mail exchange with Saskia off-list in which we discussed possible presentation topics, and I expressed repeatedly that I was interested in and excited about the Biofeedback workshop she'd suggested, and that I was personally looking forward to attending. (This was in the same e-mail exchange where we discussed fixing the website glitch that had stopped her from editing her original entry. The de-contextualized and doctored quote about "editing it for her" that Isaac's presentation described as "censorship" was actually a reference to wiki maintenance issues.)

I've so far chosen not to publish these e-mails publicly, because they were a private exchange between myself and Saskia, and I feel like it would be unethical to forward her personal e-mail correspondence to the list just for the sake of "clearing my name." But if she's willing to have them shared with the community, then I'm happy to share them.

I think all this silliness about how Saskia's presentations were "shot down" or she was "encouraged not to come" is just that: silliness. I personally invited and encouraged Saskia's involvement repeatedly, in several different formats, including through mutual friends, directly myself via e-mail, and even trying to "raise a white flag" after all the drama between her and maymay by personally taking KFADEN fliers to a party at the RACK Room - where, incidentally, she essentially refused to so much as make eye-contact with me much less have a conversation. That is until she suddenly called my phone, with no forewarning, in the middle of a the night, to shout at me about - what else? - her problems with maymay.

"I'm not sure what to tell you or how I can help with this..." I said. "Why don't you call maymay?"

Unsurprisingly, she never called maymay.

In fact, to my knowledge, Saskia has never interacted with maymay directly. Instead, despite the fact that she and I have no personal relationship and had never spoken to one another before KFADEN started, she's taken all of her ire about his behavior out on me. The only public place she's engaged in this discussion at all is on my Facebook, and all of her comments have been directed at me personally. Not a single one to maymay, himself. Why? I don't know. Maybe I'm just an easier target. Maybe because I haven't been willing to talk publicly about the way she's been personally harassing me until now, so she figured I was a safer person to yell at. Whatever. It all sucks.

I wanted Saskia to come to KinkForAll, and would have been very happy to see her present on any topic that fell within the rules of the space (e.g. no stapling demo, because of the all-ages oriented "no play" rule). This is the "behind-the-scenes sneakery and shenanigans" that everyone keeps referring to: Me saying over and over again, "I'm sorry you're feeling uncomfortable. I would really like it if you came. I would be very interested in your topic."

There was never, ever, an effort on the part of KFADEN to exclude Saskia or her topics. She chose not to come, as far as I can tell, because she has a personality or political conflict with maymay. That conflict is totally legitimate. He did and said things to her that would piss anybody off. But opting out of KFADEN -- despite the fact that lots of people, including myself, wanted her there -- was a good way for her to get a bunch of other people spun up about it. And it worked. Just look at this thread.

And that's fine. Saskia and maymay are both big players in the BDSM scene and having a noisy, public, attention-grabbing fight is good PR for both of them. But it's manipulative and disingenuous of her to drag KFADEN, and me, into the middle of it. I don't think that's fair at all. I don't think it's fair to me. I don't think it's fair to KFADEN. And I feel sad that so many people who I respect seem to think it's a defensible way to behave.

< /rant >

On Wed, Feb 29, 2012 at 12:56 PM, Sable Schultz <sable.t...@gmail.com> wrote:

Rebecca Crane

unread,
Feb 29, 2012, 6:48:23 PM2/29/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com
On Wed, Feb 29, 2012 at 1:12 PM, Benjamin Kowalski <benjamin....@gmail.com> wrote:

If "intentionally challenging" is code for "we want this to be a space where we can critique systematic problems in our various alt-sex communities, or maybe just realize that there are radically different possibilities for community organizing", then we should say exactly that. 

Hi Ben. :-) That's not actually what I meant by "intentionally challenging," although I think that's definitely one way of being challenged - and one of many ways that KFADEN would be great for, but not the only one. As we discussed in the e-mail where we talked about this before, KinkForAll is a challenging/uncomfortable space for EVERYBODY - so, for some, "intentionally challenging" might mean a place to make themselves vulnerable by critiquing systemic problems, or a place to make themselves vulnerable by looking at their own privilege, but it also might just mean a place to challenge yourself to, say, do some public speaking, or talk about sex around people you don't know, or any other activity that might not come easily to you.

When I say "intentionally challenging," I mean emotionally challenging, not necessarily politically challenging. Political challenges are definitely a WAY of accessing emotional challenges, but certainly not the only one. For example, even though I didn't feel particularly politically challenged by it, I was incredibly emotionally challenged by Isaac's presentation and the aspects of it that felt personally threatening to me - as I'm sure was obvious to anyone who saw me shell-shocked and shaking afterwards. Likewise, with Evey's awesome mental health presentation and the conversation I had with her afterwards about outness and vulnerability. And I was really glad that I had those experiences; they were vulnerability-inducing and scary, but I learned a lot about myself from them. And I got to learn it in a saf(er) container where there were e.g. people who cared about me that I could go to for hugs, and a meditation/visualization workshop that helped me come down from being triggered, etc.

My point is: KFADEN shouldn't be easy or comfortable for anybody. (And I don't think it was.) But it's going to be difficult for everybody in different ways. Some political, some emotional, some interpersonal, some physical, etc. And hopefully it's going to be supportive and empowering and growthful for everybody in different ways, too. I don't think that's "coded language". I just think that's a description of the event. One that I'd love to have more explicit conversations about.

- R

maymay

unread,
Feb 29, 2012, 8:10:48 PM2/29/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com
Y'know, I was gonna let this die, Jeff, but when decontextualization tactics[0] of the sort you've been using pile up like this, it demands a response. There's only one other situation involving people who were so invested in targeting me personally: Donna M. Hughes's "Citizens Against Trafficking" group seemed to hate my guts because, in their view, I was a BDSM-friendly sex-positive activist.[1] You seem to hate my guts because you view my behavior as being anti-BDSM and "sex-negative". You said:[3]

imagine how the locals feel with your exploitation of kinkforall as a platform to run a sex negative campaign against an entire community you are not even a local member of.

And also:[4]

I am glad you bring up the RACK room Maymay. You were granted accesd to my private space for the sole intention of promoting kinkforall. Without Kinkforall you never would have been let into that event, especially after your previous behavior on the group. You showed up with a notepad and proceded to take notes about the space and the individuals. You also left a BDSM bingo sheet next to the flyers which makes fun of BDSM presentations as a way to say fuck you to BDSM presenters. You used kinkforall to do this. You exploited kinkforall to gain access in a premeditated act to further your agenda. I dont care as much about the blog post itself, it is that you used kinkforall to violate that trust, especially after Saskia expressed reservations about it.

First of all, I didn't have a notepad, I used my own business cards and a pen to write notes to myself, mostly notes about the imagery the RACK Room featured on the walls, and also contact information for the people I spoke to when they offered me links to their websites and FetLife profiles. The BDSM Bingo sheets you referenced are these:


But, hey, let's not make this about me. Okay? Instead, let's talk about how it is the RACK Room exists, why it's so similar to so many other BDSM venues I've been to, and why my behavior pisses people, not just you, off so much.

To that, I challenge you: Doesn't the fact that the religious right hates me for being BDSM-friendly and sex-positive and you hate me for behaving in ways you deem anti-BDSM and sex-negative tell you *anything* about the structural systems in which we are complicit? Even just a little tiny SOMETHING? Obviously you don't agree with what *I* think it says about these systems,[5] and that's fine, but can't you come up with SOMETHING substantive AT ALL? Like I said earlier, I *know* (but now I'll more accurately just say that I at least hope) you're smarter than you make yourself out to be.[6]

And you also said this:

On Feb 29, 2012, at 6:41 AM, Jeff Jizz wrote:

Maymay, when I say blog whore I mean that everything you do online is
meant to generate traffic to your blog. You even embed tags on this
group. You have a tactic of stirring up shit and then using that
exchange to drive more traffic. When I see a similar smearing tactic
against my peers it comes off as more of the same. Call my words
misogynistic if you need, but considering several of those upset at
you in that thread are local feminist activists, well I will leave it
at that.

Once again this is becoming about you, so I am ending this as I will
not participate in an SEO campaign for your blog.

This reminds me of that recent study which showed homophobic men were the study group most aroused by homosexual porn.[7] The fact that you are evidently capable of viewing my actions solely in the narrow way you do shows the depth with which you are invested in the capitalist system that grants you the privileges I've termed "privileged BDSM bullshit."[8] Need I remind you that it is you whose income is at least in part derived from a for-profit BDSM venue?[5]

Do you actually believe I *make* money on my blog? Do you actually believe hosting gigabytes worth of KinkOnTap.com episode archives, numerous (all non-commercial) websites, and spending god knows how much of my life writing blog posts actually puts me in the black, instead of in the red? Are you really that horrible of a businessman to think my web presence is a *good business model*? For fuck's sake, Jeff, I even donate the store credit I get from writing posts at http://Magazine.GoodVibrations.com/author/maymay/ to Megan Andelloux at http://TheCSPH.org so I don't even get merchandise, much less *actual cash* from my writing.

This is why I am so damned grateful for even the smallest of donations that people choose to send me. That way I can do things like travel, but also things I have to do even more frequently, like EAT FOOD.

Now, I tried several times to have a conversation with you at the RACK Room and you hardly even looked up from your computer all night at Matriarchy. Part of the reason I accepted your gracious invitation to come flyer for KFADEN *was to meet with you and Saskia.* For her part, when I tried to introduce myself Saskia, she barely took my hand, never made eye contact, and just kept walking by me. For your part, when I finally moved to head back to my hosts', I approached you one last time while fetching my things in a last ditch effort to actually *have* a conversation with you.

Again, you barely acknowledged my presence, citing that it was "totally a work night" or something like that. I sympathized, stating again that I was familiar with the IT/sysadmin grind,[9] and stating, "Well, I'll be at KFADEN. Maybe I'll see you there?" As I recall, it was at that point you pushed yourself away from the table, finally looked up at me, and said, "Oh, I'll definitely be there." I remember because it seemed odd that you would suddenly be so emphatic.

Matriarchy was Friday, February 17.[10] Isaac's recent FetLife post about your KFADEN session states:[11]

People who know me or know Jeff and I have been whispering realize at this point whats about to happen.

So, my takeaway is that perhaps I would've been better served if I simply behaved more along the lines of, "Go fuck yourself" towards you from the very beginning. I no longer believe you had any intent of inviting me to the RACK Room with a genuine interest in interacting with me in any meaningful way, and I think you already had at least a vague idea of what you wanted to do at KFADEN when Rebecca and I got there that night.

Obviously, I pissed you off on the mailing list (and I'm in no way sorry about that) but, of the two of us, I was not the one who chose to disengage first. I couldn't possibly have proven my points about the privileged BDSM bullshit we talked about[8] better if I'd made a presentation about it myself. And I *didn't* in part because I don't want to talk about BDSM at KinkForAll, so to date I never have, precisely BECAUSE of the systemic influences that ensure KinkForAll is going to be a privileged environment for BDSM'ers. In your own words, Jeff, your own fucking words:[12]

I would say at least 50% of the attendees I saw were BDSM'ers and that number would have been much higher if shit did not hit the fan.

Does it not strike you as even a tiny little bit problematic when a space intended to be "ForAll" is overwhelmingly dominated by BDSM'ers? I've seen the following analogy made by commenters in your FetLife threads:[13]

The KinkforAllDenver excluded BDSM? That's like a GOP convention excluding all Republicans.

The correct analogy is more along the lines of the GOP doing everything it possibly can do to make sure there is speaking space at the GOP convention that's available for Democrats, Independents, and people who are not yet registered with any political party, while at the same time not actually telling any GOP party members that they don't have a right to come to the convention, knowing full well what windbags GOP politicians can be. Now, can you imagine ANY political party doing that? If not, consider the possibility that your lack of imagination is why you can't conceive that what I've been doing with KinkForAll Denver was trying to ensure things went down that way.

And since no one else seems to be able or willing to do so, I just want to point out the fucked-up-ness of a lauded BDSM Scene member who owns a for-profit BDSM venue with his married partner calling me and Alisa "blog whore"s and "pimps,"[14] (and, as an aside, WHAT is WITH all the sex work slurs, Jeff?! For fuck's sake, YOU AND YOUR WIFE OPERATE A PRO-DOMME HOUSE AND MAKE AND SELL PORN!) who calls Alisa's "voice…just an extension of Maymay's," erasing her agency by using misogynistic ad-hominem insults.

I'm not surprised at Jeff's behavior. I'm *disappointed* in everyone else who's apparently too invested in this BDSM Scene-State Work-Play economy[15] that they're not saying one peep about, or at least not *noticing* behavior like Jeff's. Don't you fancy yourselves well-versed and sensitive to anti-oppression work? Is Jeff's social capital that strong? Is that not also a form of power worth criticizing?[16]

And in making these points I'm not even talking directly about the way behavior like Jeff's effects *me,* or Alisa (despite the fact that it does). Rather, I'm talking about the structural ways behavior like Jeff's contributes to a system called the BDSM Scene that keeps submissive-identified people of any gender from claiming personal autonomy, that makes it easy for abusers and rapists to prey in BDSM venues, and worse.[17] Jesus fucking christ, people! This dynamic mirrors an abused person defending their abusers. What are we so afraid of or hurt by that makes it difficult to see this clearly?!

On a personal note, Jeff's comments about Alisa make me angry because they read to me as simultaneously saying Alisa can't be her own woman AND that I can't be anything other than a typical, dominant male. This is similar to how angry I was at my ex-partner's dad when I learned that he faulted me for corrupting her into being sexually dominant.[18] It's why I rage against statements from academics like Robin Morgan's that insist male submission is an expression of "envy."[19] It's part of why Donna Hughes attacked ME and not my then-partner.[2] That shit makes me want to punch walls. If you can't see Alisa as the independent, powerful person she is, Jeff, then you can't see me as being a human with vulnerabilities and authentic submissive desires, either. And for that, fuck you very much.

And also, shame on everyone else who might've called Jeff out on that sexist bullshit but chose not to because he's a friend (and no one wants to hurt their friends) or because he could ban you from the RACK Room and that would suck for you.

Your behavior, Jeff, is why the BDSM Scene is a sexist and sexually-classist environment. That others are more invested in their affiliations with The Scene than in seeing that Scene structure for the oppressive system it is makes them complicit in that sexism and classism, too.[20] And that's the reason why *I* am going to continue to make sure privileged BDSM bullshit is made uncomfortable by me, as an individual, *and* why I want KinkForAll unconferences to remain events at which *discussions* (not demos) about BDSM are no more or less encouraged by the *structural building blocks of the event* as any other topic.

If that last sentence seems like a paradox to you, Jeff (or anyone else reading, for that matter), then I invite you one more time to schedule a coffee date with me while I'm in town (I leave Colorado on March 6th)[21] so we can ACTUALLY TALK about this.

Otherwise, go jump off a cliff, like I did.[22] Maybe your Open Source Sexuality group[23] (which you started on the same day as KFADEN, awesome!) can be that cliff for you. I genuinely wish you all the luck in the world making that a success. I would love to see it thrive here in Denver. It wouldn't be the first time people who had a bad taste in their mouths about KinkForAll decided to do their own thing, and I am actually REALLY HAPPY (really) to see other people *doing* interesting stuff, even if it's got nothing to do with KinkForAll.[24]

On Feb 29, 2012, at 1:12 PM, Benjamin Kowalski wrote:

Rebecca, I wasn't actually trying to talk about the "intentionally challenging" thing, but here too I think we'd be best served by radical transparency.  If "intentionally challenging" is code for "we want this to be a space where we can critique systematic problems in our various alt-sex communities, or maybe just realize that there are radically different possibilities for community organizing", then we should say exactly that.  I think that's a goal that a *lot* of us would already get behind; the coded language is both unnecessary and invites misunderstanding.
Ben

Ben, I'm very angry at you as well, because you, Rebecca, and I had a conversation you invited us to have together at your residence to express your feelings of hurt at the blog post I wrote about the RACK Room[5] in which *this idea of yours was explicitly discussed.* Are you under the impression that this is some kind of revelation for me?

If so, let me disabuse you of that notion by reminding you *AGAIN* of the difficulty in getting people to broaden their thinking around what kind of stuff I hoped to help make KinkForAll a place to discuss. Some of this happened even before there was a mailing list, but there was also a whole double-long session about it at KinkForAll Boston,[25] which itself was spawned from numerous threads on this very list.

On Wed, Feb 29, 2012 at 12:56 PM, Sable Schultz <sable.t...@gmail.com> wrote:

Here is the thing though.  It is my understanding some of the presentations which were shot down where not even BDSM related.  They were just going to be shared by people who are prominant figures in the Colorado BDSM scene.

For example, one of the ideas was - and I cannot remember the exact name - was on breathing exercises and intimacy.  Now this is classic Tantric work, not necessarily BDSM related at all.  These basic breathing techniques are something Tantric practioners often charge quite a bit of money for a class like this.  And we had someone willing to teach this stuff *for free*.

So, because of this personal vendetta against the BDSM scene, KFADen missed an oppurtuninty to receive a free class on something which normally runs anywhere from $25 to $100 per participant to take.

Sable, please read the primary sources.[26] Back in the thread, Saskia's breathe work topic idea was not being shot down.[27] It was the explicit request for a demo bottom to do a piercing workshop that I highlighted as being problematic.

Cheers,

EXTERNAL REFERENCES:

Jeff Jizz

unread,
Feb 29, 2012, 9:44:09 PM2/29/12
to KinkForAll
Yes Maymay, it is all about you and how everyone hates you for being
such a freedom fighting maverick.

On Feb 29, 8:10 pm, maymay <bitetheappleb...@gmail.com> wrote:
> Y'know, I was gonna let this die, Jeff, but when decontextualization tactics[0] of the sort you've been using pile up like this, it demands a response. There's only one other situation involving people who were so invested in targeting me personally: Donna M. Hughes's "Citizens Against Trafficking" group seemed to hate my guts because, in their view, I was a BDSM-friendly sex-positive activist.[1] You seem to hate my guts because you view my behavior as being anti-BDSM and "sex-negative". You said:[3]
>
> > imagine how the locals feel with your exploitation of kinkforall as a platform to run a sex negative campaign against an entire community you are not even a local member of.
>
> And also:[4]
>
> > I am glad you bring up the RACK room Maymay. You were granted accesd to my private space for the sole intention of promoting kinkforall. Without Kinkforall you never would have been let into that event, especially after your previous behavior on the group. You showed up with a notepad and proceded to take notes about the space and the individuals. You also left a BDSM bingo sheet next to the flyers which makes fun of BDSM presentations as a way to say fuck you to BDSM presenters. You used kinkforall to do this. You exploited kinkforall to gain access in a premeditated act to further your agenda. I dont care as much about the blog post itself, it is that you used kinkforall to violate that trust, especially after Saskia expressed reservations about it.
>
> First of all, I didn't have a notepad, I used my own business cards and a pen to write notes to myself, mostly notes about the imagery the RACK Room featured on the walls, and also contact information for the people I spoke to when they offered me links to their websites and FetLife profiles. The BDSM Bingo sheets you referenced are these:
>
> http://maybemaimed.com/playground/bdsm-bingo/
>
> But, hey, let's not make this about me. Okay? Instead, let's talk about how it is the RACK Room exists, why it's so similar to so many other BDSM venues I've been to, and why my behavior pisses people, not just you, off so much.
>
> To that, I challenge you: Doesn't the fact that the religious right hates me for being BDSM-friendly and sex-positive and you hate me for behaving in ways you deem anti-BDSM and sex-negative tell you *anything* about the structural systems in which we are complicit? Even just a little tiny SOMETHING? Obviously you don't agree with what *I* think it says about these systems,[5] and that's fine, but can't you come up with SOMETHING substantive AT ALL? Like I said earlier, I *know* (but now I'll more accurately just say that I at least hope) you're smarter than you make yourself out to be.[6]
>
> And you also said this:
>
> On Feb 29, 2012, at 6:41 AM, Jeff Jizz wrote:
>
> > Maymay, when I say blog whore I mean that everything you do online is
> > meant to generate traffic to your blog. You even embed tags on this
> > group. You have a tactic of stirring up shit and then using that
> > exchange to drive more traffic. When I see a similar smearing tactic
> > against my peers it comes off as more of the same. Call my words
> > misogynistic if you need, but considering several of those upset at
> > you in that thread are local feminist activists, well I will leave it
> > at that.
>
> > Once again this is becoming about you, so I am ending this as I will
> > not participate in an SEO campaign for your blog.
>
> This reminds me of that recent study which showed homophobic men were the study group most aroused by homosexual porn.[7] The fact that you are evidently capable of viewing my actions solely in the narrow way you do shows the depth with which you are invested in the capitalist system that grants you the privileges I've termed "privileged BDSM bullshit."[8] Need I remind you that it is you whose income is at least in part derived from a for-profit BDSM venue?[5]
>
> Do you actually believe I *make* money on my blog? Do you actually believe hosting gigabytes worth of KinkOnTap.com episode archives, numerous (all non-commercial) websites, and spending god knows how much of my life writing blog posts actually puts me in the black, instead of in the red? Are you really that horrible of a businessman to think my web presence is a *good business model*? For fuck's sake, Jeff, I even donate the store credit I get from writing posts athttp://Magazine.GoodVibrations.com/author/maymay/to Megan Andelloux athttp://TheCSPH.orgso I don't even get merchandise, much less *actual cash* from my writing.
>
> This is why I am so damned grateful for even the smallest of donations that people choose to send me. That way I can do things like travel, but also things I have to do even more frequently, like EAT FOOD.
>
> Now, I tried several times to have a conversation with you at the RACK Room and you hardly even looked up from your computer all night at Matriarchy. Part of the reason I accepted your gracious invitation to come flyer for KFADEN *was to meet with you and Saskia.* For her part, when I tried to introduce myself Saskia, she barely took my hand, never made eye contact, and just kept walking by me. For your part, when I finally moved to head back to my hosts', I approached you one last time while fetching my things in a last ditch effort to actually *have* a conversation with you.
>
> Again, you barely acknowledged my presence, citing that it was "totally a work night" or something like that. I sympathized, stating again that I was familiar with the IT/sysadmin grind,[9] and stating, "Well, I'll be at KFADEN. Maybe I'll see you there?" As I recall, it was at that point you pushed yourself away from the table, finally looked up at me, and said, "Oh, I'll definitely be there." I remember because it seemed odd that you would suddenly be so emphatic.
>
> Matriarchy was Friday, February 17.[10] Isaac's recent FetLife post about your KFADEN session states:[11]
>
> > People who know me or know Jeff and I have been whispering realize at this point whats about to happen.
>
> So, my takeaway is that perhaps I would've been better served if I simply behaved more along the lines of, "Go fuck yourself" towards you from the very beginning. I no longer believe you had any intent of inviting me to the RACK Room with a genuine interest in interacting with me in any meaningful way, and I think you already had at least a vague idea of what you wanted to do at KFADEN when Rebecca and I got there that night.
>
> Obviously, I pissed you off on the mailing list (and I'm in no way sorry about that) but, of the two of us, I was not the one who chose to disengage first. I couldn't possibly have proven my points about the privileged BDSM bullshit we talked about[8] better if I'd made a presentation about it myself. And I *didn't* in part because I don't want to talk about BDSM at KinkForAll, so to date I never have, precisely BECAUSE of the systemic influences that ensure KinkForAll is going to be a privileged environment for BDSM'ers. In your own words, Jeff, your own fucking words:[12]
>
> > I would say at least 50% of the attendees I saw were BDSM'ers and that number would have been much higher if shit did not hit the fan.
>
> Does it not strike you as even a tiny little bit problematic when a space intended to be "ForAll" is overwhelmingly dominated by BDSM'ers? I've seen the following analogy made by commenters in your FetLife threads:[13]
>
> > The KinkforAllDenver excluded BDSM? That's like a GOP convention excluding all Republicans.
>
> The correct analogy is more along the lines of the GOP doing everything it possibly can do to make sure there is speaking space at the GOP convention that's available for Democrats, Independents, and people who are not yet registered with any political party, while at the same time not actually telling any GOP party members that they don't have a right to come to the convention, knowing full well what windbags GOP politicians can be. Now, can you imagine ANY political party doing that? If not, consider the possibility that your lack of imagination is why you can't conceive that what I've been doing with KinkForAll Denver was trying to ensure things went down that way.
>
> And since no one else seems to be able or willing to do so, I just want to point out the fucked-up-ness of a lauded BDSM Scene member who owns a for-profit BDSM venue with his married partner calling me and Alisa "blog whore"s and "pimps,"[14] (and, as an aside, WHAT is WITH all the sex work slurs, Jeff?! For fuck's sake, YOU AND YOUR WIFE OPERATE A PRO-DOMME HOUSE AND MAKE AND SELL PORN!) who calls Alisa's "voice…just an extension of Maymay's," erasing her agency by using misogynistic ad-hominem insults.
>
> I'm not surprised at Jeff's behavior. I'm *disappointed* in everyone else who's apparently too invested in this BDSM Scene-State Work-Play economy[15] that they're not saying one peep about, or at least not *noticing* behavior like Jeff's. Don't you fancy yourselves well-versed and sensitive to anti-oppression work? Is Jeff's social capital that strong? Is that not also a form of power worth criticizing?[16]
>
> And in making these points I'm not even talking directly about the way behavior like Jeff's effects *me,* or Alisa (despite the fact that it does). Rather, I'm talking about the structural ways behavior like Jeff's contributes to a system called the BDSM Scene that keeps submissive-identified people of any gender from claiming personal autonomy, that makes it easy for abusers and rapists to prey in BDSM venues, and worse.[17] Jesus fucking christ, people! This dynamic mirrors an abused person defending their abusers. What are we so afraid of or hurt by that makes it difficult to see this clearly?!
>
> On a personal note, Jeff's comments about Alisa make me angry because they read to me as simultaneously saying Alisa can't be her own woman AND that I can't be anything other than a typical, dominant male. This is similar to how angry I was at my ex-partner's dad when I learned that he faulted me for corrupting her into being sexually dominant.[18] It's ...
>
> read more »

Jeff Jizz

unread,
Feb 29, 2012, 11:44:52 PM2/29/12
to KinkForAll
FWIW we did not decide to make our slide show until a couple days
before the event.
> > Do you actually believe I *make* money on my blog? Do you actually believe hosting gigabytes worth of KinkOnTap.com episode archives, numerous (all non-commercial) websites, and spending god knows how much of my life writing blog posts actually puts me in the black, instead of in the red? Are you really that horrible of a businessman to think my web presence is a *good business model*? For fuck's sake, Jeff, I even donate the store credit I get from writing posts athttp://Magazine.GoodVibrations.com/author/maymay/toMegan Andelloux athttp://TheCSPH.orgsoI don't even get merchandise, much less *actual cash* from my writing.
>
> > This is why I am so damned grateful for even the smallest of donations that people choose to send me. That way I can do things like travel, but also things I have to do even more frequently, like EAT FOOD.
>
> > Now, I tried several times to have a conversation with you at the RACK Room and you hardly even looked up from your computer all night at Matriarchy. Part of the reason I accepted your gracious invitation to come flyer for KFADEN *was to meet with you and Saskia.* For her part, when I tried to introduce myself Saskia, she barely took my hand, never made eye contact, and just kept walking by me. For your part, when I finally moved to head back to my hosts', I approached you one last time while fetching my things in a last ditch effort to actually *have* a conversation with you.
>
> > Again, you barely acknowledged my presence, citing that it was "totally a work night" or something like that. I sympathized, stating again that I was familiar with the IT/sysadmin grind,[9] and stating, "Well, I'll be at KFADEN. Maybe I'll see you there?" As I recall, it was at that point you pushed yourself away from the table, finally looked up at me, and said, "Oh, I'll definitely be there." I remember because it seemed odd that you would suddenly be so emphatic.
>
> > Matriarchy was Friday, February 17.[10] Isaac's recent FetLife post about your KFADEN session states:[11]
>
> > > People who know me or know Jeff and I have been whispering realize at this point whats about to happen.
>
> > So, my takeaway is that perhaps I would've been better served if I simply behaved more along the lines of, "Go fuck yourself" towards you from the very beginning. I no longer believe you had any intent of inviting me to the RACK Room with a genuine interest in interacting with me in any meaningful way, and I think you already had at least a vague idea of what you wanted to do at KFADEN when Rebecca and I got there that night.
>
> > Obviously, I pissed you off on the mailing list (and I'm in no way sorry about that) but, of the two of us, I was not the one who chose to disengage first. I couldn't possibly have proven my points about the privileged BDSM bullshit we talked about[8] better if I'd made a presentation about it myself. And I *didn't* in part because I don't want to talk about BDSM at KinkForAll, so to date I never have, precisely BECAUSE of the systemic influences that ensure KinkForAll is going to be a privileged environment for BDSM'ers. In your own words, Jeff, your own fucking words:[12]
>
> > > I would say at least 50% of the attendees I saw were BDSM'ers and that number would have been much higher if shit did not hit the fan.
>
> > Does it not strike you as even a tiny little bit problematic when a space intended to be "ForAll" is overwhelmingly dominated by BDSM'ers? I've seen the following analogy made by commenters in your FetLife threads:[13]
>
> > > The KinkforAllDenver excluded BDSM? That's like a GOP convention excluding all Republicans.
>
> > The correct analogy is more along the lines of the GOP doing everything it possibly can do to make sure there is speaking space at the GOP convention that's available for Democrats, Independents, and people who are not yet registered with any political party, while at the same time not actually telling any GOP party members that they don't have a right to come to the convention, knowing full well what windbags GOP politicians can be. Now, can you imagine ANY political party doing that? If not, consider the possibility that your lack of imagination is why you can't conceive that what I've been doing with KinkForAll Denver was trying to ensure things went down that way.
>
> > And since no one else seems to be able or willing to do so, I just want to point out the fucked-up-ness of a lauded BDSM Scene member who owns a for-profit BDSM venue with his married partner calling me and Alisa "blog whore"s and "pimps,"[14] (and, as an aside, WHAT is WITH all the sex work slurs, Jeff?! For fuck's sake, YOU AND YOUR WIFE OPERATE A PRO-DOMME HOUSE AND MAKE AND SELL PORN!) who calls Alisa's "voice…just an extension of Maymay's," erasing her agency by using misogynistic ad-hominem insults.
>
> > I'm not surprised at Jeff's behavior. I'm *disappointed* in everyone else who's apparently too invested in this BDSM Scene-State Work-Play economy[15] that they're not saying one peep about, or at least not *noticing* behavior like Jeff's. Don't you fancy yourselves well-versed and sensitive to anti-oppression work? Is Jeff's social capital that strong? Is that not also a form of power worth criticizing?[16]
>
> > And in making these points I'm not even talking directly about the way behavior like Jeff's effects *me,* or Alisa (despite the fact that it does). Rather, I'm talking about the structural ways behavior like Jeff's contributes to a system called the BDSM Scene that keeps submissive-identified people of any gender from claiming personal autonomy, that makes it easy for abusers and rapists to prey in BDSM venues, and worse.[17] Jesus fucking christ, people! This dynamic mirrors an abused person defending their abusers. What are we so afraid of or hurt by that makes it difficult to see this clearly?!
>
> > On a personal note, Jeff's
>
> ...
>
> read more »

ashi

unread,
Mar 1, 2012, 4:45:52 PM3/1/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com
On Wed, Feb 29, 2012 at 5:41 AM, Jeff Jizz <safe...@yahoo.com> wrote:
Maymay, when I say blog whore I mean that everything you do online is
meant to generate traffic to your blog. You even embed tags on this
group. You have a tactic of stirring up shit and then using that
exchange to drive more traffic. When I see a similar smearing tactic
against my peers it comes off as more of the same. Call my words
misogynistic if you need, but considering several of those upset at
you in that thread are local feminist activists, well I will leave it
at that.

Please don't use the term “blog whore”. Or “attention whore”, or any other kind of whore. It makes me uncomfortable, in part because I have friends who are whores, and I know that it makes them feel uncomfortable, called out, and in some contexts, unsafe.

It's also really unfair to degrade the work of strong, creative, passionate, hard working prostitutes (especially street prostitutes, who have a particularly difficult and dangerous job, and get hit more directly by the “whore” label) by comparing it to what maymay is doing.

~ ashi.

Sable Schultz

unread,
Mar 1, 2012, 4:57:29 PM3/1/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com

+1 Thank you ashi.

--

Sable Schultz

unread,
Mar 1, 2012, 5:04:58 PM3/1/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com

Oh, and I want to add, slamming anyone for making money off of any form of sex work - including, but not limited to - professional domination, running a bdsm club, or providing BDSM tools, supply, or knowledge is innapprate.  It shows a decided lack of resepct for those attempting to survive in alternative markets in a very sex negative and puritanical society, and certial level of sex worker negitivity.  And when coupled with a sentiment of "not anti-capitolist or anti-establishment enough" demonstrates a decided level of elitism and entitlement, and, to me, smacks of a certain level of economic privildge.

On Mar 1, 2012 2:45 PM, "ashi" <vio...@queerlyamorous.org> wrote:
--

Jeff Jizz

unread,
Mar 1, 2012, 5:43:20 PM3/1/12
to KinkForAll


Burn! Valid point and point taken.

Jeff Jizz

unread,
Mar 1, 2012, 6:05:09 PM3/1/12
to KinkForAll
@ashi - I will take one step further and apologize to any sex workers
who read this list who feel that way. Ashi is 100% correct for calling
me out in that regard. I did not even consider that point and admit my
ignorance to how that would have marginalize others who work in a
profession which my own friends are proud to be a part of.As someone
who works with sex workers, is married to a sex worker, and maybe even
considered a sex worker myself (if you view on camera adult video work
in that category), there is absolutely nothing about adult sex work I
consider shameful. My views about Maymay and his endless self
promotion remain unchanged but there are probably better ways to
express that.

Sable Schultz

unread,
Mar 1, 2012, 6:12:54 PM3/1/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com

In my opinion, well said Jeff.

You derive compensation from the work you do, even if it is not your primary means of income.  As far as I know of, that makes you a sex worker by most definitions I have seen.

Isaac

unread,
Mar 2, 2012, 6:36:40 PM3/2/12
to KinkForAll
I don't read blogs. I'd have never known about this if it hadn't been
brought to my attention by one of the other victims. maymay has been
using his personal blog entry at
http://maybemaimed.com/2012/03/02/help-me-check-bdsms-privilege-at-the-next-kinkforall-unconference/
to post links to people's Fetlife accounts using names of individuals
acquired during and though Kink For All.

It is my personal belief that this is a silencing tactic being used to
force those of us who were vocal into either shutting up or face
outting. In one profile he even goes so far as to warn Saskia that
it's "very dangerous to spew outright lies about [him]" over the T-
shirt business, all in a hyperlink leading back to his blog post that
LINKS NAMES FROM KFA TO FETLIFE.

Regardless of interpersonal politics or anger on the table this
behavior goes WELL beyond name calling or flame wars and is
unacceptable by any social codes I've seen within the community. It
is inexcusable and I want everyone here to know of the danger.

I also owe ALL of KFA an apology in that I never expected any kind of
response I got to be anything like this. My aim was to start dialogue
that would foster an atmosphere open to all sexualities for the next
time around. I never expected anyone to have to be threatened with or
experience any kind of outing and I am DEEPLY apologetic to those hurt
because of maymay's responses to my actions.

On Mar 1, 4:12 pm, Sable Schultz <sable.twili...@gmail.com> wrote:
> In my opinion, well said Jeff.
>
> You derive compensation from the work you do, even if it is not your
> primary means of income.  As far as I know of, that makes you a sex worker
> by most definitions I have seen.
>

maymay

unread,
Mar 2, 2012, 7:30:38 PM3/2/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com

Isaac

unread,
Mar 2, 2012, 8:12:46 PM3/2/12
to KinkForAll
That's cute. Judging from the links they're expositional links about
how you hate fetlife as Much as you hate the traditional BDSM
community. I'm sorry that that argument makes you feel entitled to
cause harm to other people.

On Mar 2, 5:30 pm, maymay <bitetheappleb...@gmail.com> wrote:
> Hey, Isaac:
>
> Point the 1st:http://maybemaimed.com/2011/03/20/fetlife-considered-harmful/
> Point the 2nd:http://maybemaimed.com/2012/03/02/help-me-check-bdsms-privilege-at-th...
>
> Cheers,
> -maymay
> Blog:http://maybemaimed.com
> Talk show:http://KinkOnTap.com
> Community:http://KinkForAll.org
>
> On Mar 2, 2012, at 4:36 PM, Isaac wrote:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> > I don't read blogs.  I'd have never known about this if it hadn't been
> > brought to my attention by one of the other victims.  maymay has been
> > using his personal blog entry at
> >http://maybemaimed.com/2012/03/02/help-me-check-bdsms-privilege-at-th...

Gordon Olmstead-Dean

unread,
Mar 2, 2012, 8:18:45 PM3/2/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com
I think the point about building bridges is well made.  Relentless antagonism is not the way to foster creative understanding and share experience without invalidating anyone.  

That is all...

maymay

unread,
Mar 2, 2012, 9:41:21 PM3/2/12
to KinkForAll
On Mar 2, 6:12 pm, Isaac <i.w.fl...@gmail.com> wrote:
> That's cute.  Judging from the links they're expositional links about
> how you hate fetlife as Much as you hate the traditional BDSM
> community. I'm sorry that that argument makes you feel entitled to
> cause harm to other people.

So, here's something funny. I noticed that one of you FetLife post
about KFADEN[0] seems to have become inaccessible to some people,
Isaac. Did you choose to make it "friends only"? I know you didn't
delete it. Ask me how I know. ;)

So, what happened? There were quite a number of people who were
commenting on that thread and I would hate for their voices to be
silenced just because you unilaterally decided their words should only
reach a select group of people who were *your* friends. That sounds
like…hmm…"censorship"! Y'know?

Cheers,
-maymay
Blog: http://maybemaimed.com
Talk show: http://KinkOnTap.com
Community: http://KinkForAll.org

[0] https://fetlife.com/users/461781/posts/933149

Isaac

unread,
Mar 2, 2012, 10:24:29 PM3/2/12
to KinkForAll
Yes, maymay. Once I realized that you were likely using my profile as
a weapon to catalog and cross reference peoples fetlife to their legal
names and KFA accounts I made it friends only for a time so that
anyone who didn't want to take the risk of being outed by you could
remove their own posts. I'm sure you've captured that HTML and have
a list of them already, but I wanted to do what I could to mitigate
the harm you're wreaking on the local queer, trans, poly and link
communities. And yes the BDSM community too. I'll revert it back to
public as soon as people have had a chance to do that based on their
own criteria.

Frankly, I don't CARE how you know. Whoopdie doooo. You figured out
FL kicks back different errors based on the privacy setting. What I do
care about is your hissy fit because *some people disagreed with
you*. If you're actually this proud of your aggression and cyber
bullying you're much further gone than I ever suspected could be
possible. Don't worry, I won't delete your precious words, I'll keep
that post around as long as possible so you can feel safe that your
expressions of anger and hostility will be visible to anyone who reads
them.

I just wish the people you're lashing out at were cared for as much as
a few words.

maymay

unread,
Mar 2, 2012, 10:37:51 PM3/2/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com
On Mar 2, 2012, at 8:24 PM, Isaac wrote:

> What I do care about is your hissy fit because *some people disagreed with you*.


Oh, Isaac, that's a nice try at redirection, but a "hissy fit" is exactly what *you* had at KFADEN. There's an entire 22 paragraph article about it in the Westword. Do you need a link? :)

I sincerely appreciate your contributions to KinkForAll Denver, since KinkForAll Denver *is not about us.*[0]

If you're interested in getting your mind off some of this pettiness, I invite you to help Sable and I make more KFADEN media more accessible.[1] We need help with transcriptions, translations, and more.[2]

Regardless, I hope you have a pleasant rest of your evening.

Cheers,
-maymay
Blog: http://maybemaimed.com
Talk show: http://KinkOnTap.com
Community: http://KinkForAll.org

EXTERNAL REFERENCES:

[0] http://maybemaimed.com/2012/03/02/help-me-check-bdsms-privilege-at-the-next-kinkforall-unconference/
[1] https://groups.google.com/group/kinkforall/browse_thread/thread/a47b9d6dec2b6a09#msg_e13ea0d1a4659d9e
[2] https://twitter.com/KinkForAll/status/175768677076058112

Isaac

unread,
Mar 2, 2012, 10:56:19 PM3/2/12
to KinkForAll
Sorry, boss, I didn't realize that my standing silently was as bad as
you intentionally outing kinksters. My bad.

I'm not overly concerned with the pettiness, just with repairing the
damage you've already and are continuing to wreak. I care about this
city and the people in it.

On Mar 2, 8:37 pm, maymay <bitetheappleb...@gmail.com> wrote:
> On Mar 2, 2012, at 8:24 PM, Isaac wrote:
>
> > What I do care about is your hissy fit because *some people disagreed with you*.
>
> Oh, Isaac, that's a nice try at redirection, but a "hissy fit" is exactly what *you* had at KFADEN. There's an entire 22 paragraph article about it in the Westword. Do you need a link? :)
>
> I sincerely appreciate your contributions to KinkForAll Denver, since KinkForAll Denver *is not about us.*[0]
>
> If you're interested in getting your mind off some of this pettiness, I invite you to help Sable and I make more KFADEN media more accessible.[1] We need help with transcriptions, translations, and more.[2]
>
> Regardless, I hope you have a pleasant rest of your evening.
>
> Cheers,
> -maymay
> Blog:http://maybemaimed.com
> Talk show:http://KinkOnTap.com
> Community:http://KinkForAll.org
>
> EXTERNAL REFERENCES:
>
> [0]http://maybemaimed.com/2012/03/02/help-me-check-bdsms-privilege-at-th...
> [1]https://groups.google.com/group/kinkforall/browse_thread/thread/a47b9...
> [2]https://twitter.com/KinkForAll/status/175768677076058112

Jeff Jizz

unread,
Mar 3, 2012, 8:51:53 PM3/3/12
to KinkForAll
BTW Maymay, I was going to move on from this cause I am having an
awesome time out east not shitting on communities out here, but
someone pointed out on the same thread that you copied to your blog
(violating the Terms of Use in regards to privacy) that you yourself
presented a class called "Pimp My Website," so while you may have a
problem with the language when you are looking to smear others who
have called you out for abusing your privilege as this conference's
creator, and also exploiting Kink For All for your own agenda, you are
just fine using that same type of comparison to your very own methods
(which is the comparison I was making that you twisted. So while I
recognize the use of that language marginalizes professionals in this
group (which I have apologized for) you are a hypocrite.

Your blatant disregard for rules you opt into by participating on
another site so that you can shamelessly self promote your own sites
with it, and your disregard for others privacy who have have
participated in kink for all, truly shows your colors.

Also selectively targeting and violating the privacy of others who
dissent so you can show them they are not safe (though I was never
under the assumption I was) is like saying nobody on the street is
safe from assault just because there are laws against assaulting
others, and then assaulting them to prove your point.

The truth is this is all just a silencing tactic and an attempt to
intimidate and control.

I wish to thank you Maymay for exposing yourself, and also for
validating every slide you were quoted in during the presentation of
"Silence is Golden." You have shown yourself to be a gatekeeper in
the worst possible way.

Also thank you for uniting our privileged BDSM community and raising
awareness about people like you.

maymay

unread,
Mar 4, 2012, 3:19:09 PM3/4/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com
On Mar 3, 2012, at 6:51 PM, Jeff Jizz wrote:

> you yourself
> presented a class called "Pimp My Website,"

This one?

http://reidaboutsex.com/pimp-my-social-media-and-pimp-my-website-workdays-jan-15-16th-oakland-ca/

Primary sources are useful like that.

> Also thank you for uniting our privileged BDSM community and raising
> awareness about people like you.

You're welcome.

Isaac

unread,
Mar 5, 2012, 2:48:23 AM3/5/12
to KinkForAll
Maymay, I for one don't care about or if your rules for acceptable
language are hypocritical.

I care about people, real life, flesh and and blood people that live
lives as important as yours or mine. I care about the harm you're
doing to them by outing them. I care about their loved ones that
you're affecting by their outing. I care about about the hardship
YOU'RE causing all because they had the audacity to semi-publically
support me via FetLife.

Your argument that you believe FetLife is harmful and that it's their
fault for being outed because "FetLife isn't private" is no different
from the victim blaming that leads to the argument that women are at
fault for being raped because of what they wear. Shame on you for
blaming the people you're outing for YOUR decision to out them and
hold that line of action over the heads of anyone who dares disagree
with you visibly.

This isn't a game. These are real people. You may be able to just
leave Denver in a few days time but I'm asking you, please put these
people before words. Show that people are more important than your
blog and take down the portions where you out them via their profile
information.

Please, stop stealing their words, my words and show some respect for
the people of Denver and stop being violent towards them.

On Mar 4, 1:19 pm, maymay <bitetheappleb...@gmail.com> wrote:
> On Mar 3, 2012, at 6:51 PM, Jeff Jizz wrote:
>
> > you yourself
> > presented a class called "Pimp My Website,"
>
> This one?
>
> http://reidaboutsex.com/pimp-my-social-media-and-pimp-my-website-work...

Rebecca Crane

unread,
Mar 5, 2012, 2:53:52 AM3/5/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com
Isaac, just stop. It's over, okay? Everyone's fine. It doesn't matter who wins. We all need some rest.

maymay

unread,
Mar 5, 2012, 2:58:59 AM3/5/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com
On Mar 5, 2012, at 12:48 AM, Isaac wrote:

> Your argument that you believe FetLife is harmful and that it's their
> fault for being outed because "FetLife isn't private" is no different
> from the victim blaming that leads to the argument that women are at
> fault for being raped because of what they wear.

Comparing linking to a FetLife profile[0] to rape seriously trivializes the horror of rape.

This has gone on long enough. Isaac, Jeff, and anyone else reading: if you send one more message about *me* instead of *about KinkForAll*, you will be removed from this list.

Cheers,
-maymay
Blog: http://maybemaimed.com
Talk show: http://KinkOnTap.com
Community: http://KinkForAll.org

EXTERNAL REFERENCES:

[0] http://maybemaimed.com/2012/03/02/help-me-check-bdsms-privilege-at-the-next-kinkforall-unconference/

Jane Parker

unread,
Mar 5, 2012, 6:25:49 AM3/5/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com
Maymay--you are a mooching, self-entitled, lying, delusional, asinine, immature, snotty, emotionally challenged, homeless, jobless, blackmailing, manipulative, hypocritical, trifling-assed sack of batshit crazy.

Am I banned now?

Siren Sage

unread,
Mar 5, 2012, 10:22:54 AM3/5/12
to KinkForAll

On Mar 5, 12:53 am, Rebecca Crane <rebeccacr...@gmail.com> wrote:
> Isaac, just stop. It's over, okay? Everyone's fine. It doesn't matter who
> wins. We all need some rest.

Really, Rebecca? Putting it on Isaac to stop, as if it's him who's
keeping this going and not, say maymay, who as far as I can tell as
been the primary antagonistic through this whole thing. I'm disgusted
by all of this. I will never again be involved with KFA as long as
this particular megalomaniac incarnation of maymay is the primary
voice and power behind the (un)organization/idea/movement. That's
right maymay, I'm leaving because of you and your atrocious (online)
behavior, so feel free to use the hierarchical power you pretend not
to have and remove me from this list.

~Siren

Rebecca Crane

unread,
Mar 5, 2012, 11:26:12 AM3/5/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com
On Mon, Mar 5, 2012 at 8:22 AM, Siren Sage <sire...@gmail.com> wrote:

Really, Rebecca? Putting it on Isaac to stop, as if it's him who's
keeping this going and not, say maymay, who as far as I can tell as
been the primary antagonistic through this whole thing.

Siren, hm. I'm debating whether to respond to this publicly, because I'm trying not to get wrapped back up in it for the sake of my own mental health, but you wrote to me directly here, so I feel like it's only fair to reply to you directly here, too.

There have been a number of primary "antagonists" throughout this whole overblown conflict, including maymay, Isaac, Saskia, Jenn, and even myself at times. Conflict is a two-way street. It doesn't just happen if one person is mad and everybody else ignores them. Yes, maymay has taken a lot of incredibly antagonistic actions toward the Denver BDSM community in the past several weeks, and the BDSM community has responded mostly by obsessing over maymay as an individual micro-celebrity figure - rather than, say, by thinking and talking about what kind of work they/we might do to keep something like this from happening again. This is understandable, but I don't think it's a good sign.

Notice something maymay said in a response to Jeff above:


>> Also thank you for uniting our privileged BDSM community and raising
>>  awareness about people like you.

> You're welcome.

Maymay is, as you've wisely pointed out many times, just one person. He's a person who's leaving Denver tomorrow and -- after everything that's happened over the past few weeks -- I don't suspect he'll be back. This is sad for me, personally, but whatever. My point is: This isn't about maymay. This whole conflict isn't about maymay. Maymay is just one person. And he's certainly not the most megalomaniacal "mooching, self-entitled, lying, delusional, asinine, immature, snotty, emotionally challenged, homeless, jobless, blackmailing, manipulative, hypocritical, trifling-assed sack of batshit crazy" who's ever going to attack the Denver BDSM community.

Regardless of what you or anyone else thinks about maymay's tactics -- and I will agree that what he has been doing here is a form of social and political edge-play that it's totally legitimate for people to feel extremely uncomfortable with and even question the ethics of -- the fact is that works. It has raised all of our awareness about the cracks in the system, about the many ways in which the Denver BDSM community isn't ready to protect itself from "someone like maymay" or worse. And those people are out there. Lots of them. Shaming one single individual by calling them names on a mailing list isn't going to change that. It's not even going to change that one person. And even if it were, even if maymay were to issue a public apology and drop off the face of KinkForAll and the planet tomorrow, that wouldn't magically make the BDSM community safe.

What MIGHT make the community safer, though, are the things that we've started to see happening since KFADEN such as the vast coming together of communities, the beginning of the Open Source sexuality project and, yes, the awareness that people like maymay exist and that, if they decide to out you on Fetlife, doing so is a piece of cake.

This isn't about who's right. It's not about who's a good person or a bad person. It's not about who's a meanie-pants bully (personally, for example, I think Saskia's been much more of a bully than maymay has -- and she's been sneaky about it which, to my mind, is worse) and who's a goodhearted bunny rabbit with no political agenda. Everyone in this situation has a political agenda. Everyone. Including Isaac.

So, why am I calling Isaac out here? It's not because I'm putting it on him to stop. It's because he's the only major antagonist -- including myself -- who I haven't called out yet. You might have noticed some of the conversations I've been having both publicly with Saskia over Facebook and with Jenn via e-mail and on the Westword blog; there have also been personal exchanges with people via e-mail, Fetlife messages and, yes, with maymay in private. What do you think all those conversations have been about? I've been working hard to turn this into a good thing that brings the community together, keeps people engaged, and that everybody -- everybody -- learns something from, including people who aren't going to learn by being yelled at and shamed. Because nobody really learns by being yelled at and shamed. Not even people who yell and shame others. An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind, y'know?

I'm asking Isaac to stop, now, because I haven't asked him to before. I haven't asked him to before because I'm afraid of him. I'm afraid of him because of the way he set up 'Silence is Golden'. Specifically the way that he coerced my friend Debbie, someone I care about very deeply and who has been one of the most powerful, sensitive, integrious voices for social justice and compassion in my whole life, into an incredibly intense situation she knew nothing about and ended up feeling so guilt-stricken about participating that she spend the rest of the day apologizing -- and the way it felt, for me, to walk into that room and see someone I love essentially being held hostage in an effort to publicly attack me. That felt like a threat to my safety. I'm sure you saw me shell-shocked and shaking afterwards. And, yes, I'm glad that it happened - I learned a lot of about myself and where my own weak points are. But I'm still angry that he had to manipulate and hurt -- and she's still hurting -- a totally innocent, uninvolved party and one of the kindest and most ethical people I know, to do it. That makes me feel like, for all his clever rhetoric and finery, Isaac is a snake. I like snakes. But I don't trust them.
 
There are obviously a lot of things we could do to make our community stronger that would be way more effective than arguing with maymay. For example, we could start working on putting on a KFADEN2 that will be even more awesome that KFADEN. (And let's not forget that, despite all this drama totally consuming the discussion about it, KFADEN was awesome and empowering for a lot of people.) I believe that Isaac (and others) are fixated on continuing to attack maymay, rather than on doing actual work in their own community, because -- as Isaac pointed out to me himself, in fact -- this fight is getting "national attention." Getting into a big public fight nationally-attended fight with a (in)famous controversial figure is a pretty good way to make a name for yourself. But until I see Isaac (or Saskia, or Jeff, or anyone else who's made it their primary mission to tell maymay he's a big jerk, just in case he didn't already know) taking something away from this that involves actually getting their hands dirty and working hard to make our community stronger and safer in general, not just from one person, I'm not going to believe a word any of them says about how much they care.

Finally, let me just make it clear that I'm not asking Isaac to be the one to "stop the drama." All the other major players, as far as I can tell, have already stopped. All I'm asking, if he wants to keep talking about maymay for whatever reasons are important to him, is for him to please take it off the list, so that we can use this space to actually do work. This is the KinkForAll list. KinkForAll is not about maymay. I know that. You know that. Contrary to popular belief, maymay knows that. And anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something.

- R


~Siren

Rebecca Crane

unread,
Mar 5, 2012, 11:27:05 AM3/5/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com
On Mon, Mar 5, 2012 at 4:25 AM, Jane Parker <ladyjp...@gmail.com> wrote:
Maymay--you are a mooching, self-entitled, lying, delusional, asinine, immature, snotty, emotionally challenged, homeless, jobless, blackmailing, manipulative, hypocritical, trifling-assed sack of batshit crazy.

Am I banned now?

Yes. But not by maymay. By me. Please hold.
 

Rebecca Crane

unread,
Mar 5, 2012, 11:40:04 AM3/5/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com
On Mon, Mar 5, 2012 at 9:26 AM, Rebecca Crane <rebecc...@gmail.com> wrote:
But until I see Isaac (or Saskia, or Jeff, or anyone else who's made it their primary mission to tell maymay he's a big jerk, just in case he didn't already know) taking something away from this that involves actually getting their hands dirty and working hard to make our community stronger and safer in general, not just from one person, I'm not going to believe a word any of them says about how much they care.

Actually, I take it back. This isn't fair to Jeff. Jeff's an asshole, and I'm sure we disagree about a lot of stuff, but he also worked his butt off for KFADEN1 and, as far as I can see, he's been putting a lot of effort into responding to this situation by actually doing stuff himself -- not just talking about what other people are doing wrong. Jeff is someone I'd be totally willing to work with in the future.

That's all. I'm going to work now and I won't be online for the rest of the day.

- R

RagingAmazon

unread,
Mar 5, 2012, 11:43:57 AM3/5/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com
I've been staying out of this for the most part because, well, I have other things to do with my time, but there is something I don't understand.

I get that it is easy to be angry at Maymay because he is an outsider and somewhat provocative at that, but how is it no one thought to call JeffJizz out when he described me in these words "Lol oh look another star fucker. Just read her blog and you can see whose blog whoring dick is up her ass."

At the time, I tried to relegate this to the realm of "of just internet drama" and respond with something vaguely humorous about gender role reversal, but you know what, this is actually sexist bullshit, and it's not about me, it is about the fact that a prominent member of your community dismisses someone's words, opinions, and beliefs based on "whose...dick is up her ass."  Mind, I wasn't involved in the thread at this point, this was said about me in reference to an hour long conversation I had with Isaac and Evey that I didn't find all that antagonistic (in fact Isaac had a fantastic research idea but that's besides the point).

Would you stand for this in any other context in your life?  At work perhaps, or in your church group?  Or from anyone who wasn't a leader in your community?  The only person who engaged with me in this conversation was Jeff and his engagement consisted of sexualized slut shaming language.  Do you think, perhaps, that we may have a problem just a little bigger than one person when you can systematically dismiss a woman's voice with reference to her sexlife?

~Alisa






"'You know zat another term for an icongrapher would be 'photographer?'  From the old word Photus in Latation, vhich means--' 'To prance around like an idiot ordering everyone about as if you owened the place.'" ~ Pratchett; the Truth


--

Bella Rosa

unread,
Mar 5, 2012, 11:58:31 AM3/5/12
to kinkf...@googlegroups.com
Banning people from speaking their truth, especially as it relates to the fall-out of KFADEN and specifically your own actions only will manifest in more anger and push back against KFADEN and its organizers and ruin the chances of a more successful and and inclusive KFADEN. It is incumbent upon you, as an organizer, as a "leader" (or is it "un-leader") and as a responsible advocate for sex-positivity to heal this wound you continue to poke and fester. You shift blame to Jeff and Isaac and occasionally to the rest of us who support their message but you refuse to accept your own share of responsibility. You have left a gigantic paper trail of evidence. There is a right thing to do here and you continually escape responsibility for actually doing it.

And since this may be my only chance to explain myself before you ban me, I will tell you a story. Once upon a time I had my dream job. I was an advocate for children and a force of change in politics. I was making a difference. Until one day a blogger, such as yourself, decided to expose me publicly. Now, his blog had a bit more specific readership than yours did. Reporters and political elite read his blog. He decided to out me for my "liberal agenda". Linking back to my personal LiveJournal he outed me for being bi, poly and kinky in his words "disgusting". Fortunately all he captured were my public posts, but that was bad enough. He started a witch hunt to track down anyone I had slept with, trying to also expose them. He and his readers also advocated that my children be taken away from "such filth" as me. Eventually because the media couldn't get a solid statement from me he turned to emailing my board of directors until he found enough to be convinced that I should leave.

I was unemployed for 8 months after that. During that period of time not only did he continue his attacks, often linking my real name to my then scene-name but each time he did my family slid down even further. Being told that my writing on LJ wasn't safe and that frankly it was my fault that it happened in the first place created even more shame around the event. Shame for sharing my sexuality with others. Shame for not being smarter to keep my job. Shame for letting down my family and not being able to give my kids a Christmas that year. Do any of you know what that feels like?

To this day, years later, my husband still has had panic attacks watching the news. I screen every phone call that looks unfamiliar and I jump out of my skin each time there is an unexpected knock at the door. Trauma. I take jobs that won't put me in the press spotlight. I avoid all situations that may lead to any press coverage (funny enough this is the story I was going to tell at KFADEN until I heard there would be video streaming and press--too much of a risk for my family). To this day I do not know the identity of the person(s) who outed me nor will I ever. There is no closure. But today I have more compassion for them than I do for you.

See, the difference between you and a Republican blog is that you should know better about outing anyone. You claim to be a sex-positive advocate and yet you employ this form of violence against individuals and justify it with the basic excuse of "well, I told you fetlife wasn't safe" [1]. How dare you? At least the GOP asshat who did this this to me was trying to inform his base, to warn them against me in some dark, twisted version where I was selling sex for political power. By by no twist of the imagination did this person support sexual freedom or sex-positivity. But you supposedly do.

But here comes MayMay with KFA and not only does he alienate entire communities (not just kink but gay as well) but now for the lofty goal of proving some point he decides it is well with his rights, indeed his duty, to out someone linking their real name to their scene name. Classy.

Did you catch my sarcasm there? If not let me be more explicit. A sex positive culture is one in which we are able to practice forms of sexual expression with dignity and self-determination. By taking the choice away of whether to be out or not, you exposed not just that person to harm, but any partners, anyone connected to them. Plus, you had the added impact of causing panic attacks for those of us who wish to retain some control over that and who have faced this trauma before. You simply did not have a care for personal autonomy in how "out" they choose to be. Taking that choice away, as proven through countless stories of GLBTQ brothers and sisters who have been outed involuntarily through the years causes trauma. Deep, lasting emotional trauma not to mention could completely tank someone's career and earning potential and have effects far more lasting.

I don't care whether you feel you had a right to do it....it simply wasn't the right thing to do. I have had to live through this and had to re-live it because I watched someone else go through it this past week. You had a choice to act in a sex-positive manner and you didn't. And now that we want to talk about these consequences not just of your original words, but this escalating and rather alarming behavior you want to silence us. So first you insult us, next you expose us, then you ignore us and finally you silence us. Now who is acting privileged?

See, we care about our community members even though you don't. I am not even more than merely acquainted with the person you did this to. These are not just ideas about whether KFA was good, bad or otherwise, this is about living, breathing people. You spent quite a bit of space defending your close friend who was called a "blog whore". So is this really the most appropriate or consistent action in response? And what's sad is that I was going to ask you out to coffee to discuss this with you all but after this I found I simply couldn't trust being around someone who triggered me so badly...and frankly my partners are still concerned with me writing this email.

Is that what you really want? For people to not even feel safe around you or with the idea of KFA in this or any other city? If so you are an over-achiever I guess. But that's a pretty horrid legacy to leave behind. Is that what you envisioned for your life's work? You had an opportunity to create peace and allow that healing to be associated with KFA for future years and you crushed all hope of healing. So many poor choices that now will not just be associated with you but with the intent of KFA as well. I hope it has been worth it.

I could make the legal argument that you are responsible for intentional infliction of emotional harm (depending only on the severity of the harm suffered which has yet to be played out). You meet the legal criteria for the outrageousness of behavior necessary to make the claim. This isn't a threat, but maybe it helps put this is perspective. No remorse at all for what has occurred? No heart-felt mea culpa? It's not that hard to do and I don't understand your hesitation in simply owning up to some really poor choices.

Yet, instead by threatening to silence those who are trying to call for you to take responsibility for your words and actions you effectively get to control the conversation which is not in the spirit of what I believe KFA was meant to create. If KFA is truly not about you...then why threaten to silence us?

And I would be happy to let this go if it weren't always coming full circle and now involving a subject that is of even more intimate importance to me than the issues that started this thread. You can end this cycle...not by silencing the conversation but by showing some compassionate responsibility for it.

[1] liberal paraphrasing but evidence of MayMay's actual words and reactions can be found earlier in this thread.

maymay

unread,
Mar 5, 2012, 2:03:20 PM3/5/12
to KinkForAll
Hi Bella,[0]

Two (important) points, the second of which has two important
implications we ought to be aware of:

1) KinkForAll unconferences encourage recording, always have, and
always will. This isn't a secret. It's a structural characteristic
*intended* to keep conversations public. If you can't be "out," then
KinkForAll may not be safe for you:

http://clarissethorn.com/blog/2009/03/04/coming-out-bdsm-outness-as-a-political-act-and-the-perils-thereof/
http://kinkforall.pbworks.com/w/page/11154883/FrequentlyAskedQuestions#Whyisthepresenceofcamerasandrecordingdevicesencouraged

This information has never been hidden or its reach constrained. If
you feel like this makes KinkForAll too risky for you to engage with,
do not participate.

2) "Jenn Wohletz" is the author of the Westword piece and the person
everyone seems so concerned about having been "outed." Let's use the
paper trail to see what happened:

First, there is the article she wrote in the Westword:

http://blogs.westword.com/showandtell/2012/03/sex_lies_and_a_slideshow_drama_at_the_kinkforalldenver_conference.php

Here, and on her author archive page, her name is published as Jenn
Woheltz:

http://blogs.westword.com/author.php?author_id=2369

On my blog post, I cite her as the author, by name, as Jenn (and
Jennifer) Wohletz:

http://maybemaimed.com/2012/03/02/help-me-check-bdsms-privilege-at-the-next-kinkforall-unconference/

This information was *already* public (and, as you know, I consider
FetLife to be public as well—we may differ on this opinion, so I've
addressed that point below). The only information that was *not*
readily and trivially accessible to anyone with an Internet connection
about Jenn was her email address and another name she sometimes uses.
Since she was writing to me in what is obviously a professional
capacity, not a personal one, I published her email address, along
with mine. What I didn't publish was the name associated with that
email address.

I know you all have been making a big deal about "not having time to
read blogs," but if you *actually* look at the post, you'll see
redactions that replace the reporter's name that *was* sent to me but
that was *not* published on the Westword with the name that was
already published.

That name, which I'll post here since Jenn's email of her own accord
to this list[1] also uses it, is "Jane Parker."

Here's her email:

https://groups.google.com/group/kinkforall/msg/beb2924641e5fe1c

And here's her emails to me:


http://maybemaimed.com/2012/03/02/help-me-check-bdsms-privilege-at-the-next-kinkforall-unconference/#re-its-jenn-from-westword--questions-for-the-kfaden-story-1

It's also worth pointing out that in her original article, Jenn
actually *did* publish my legal name on the Westword despite my
*never* using that name with her. (Go and read the email conversation
I had with her, published at the end of my blog post, before the
comments.)

Now, the link to her FetLife profile is just that:

https://fetlife.com/users/776154

I found this link because Jenn/Jane has, in numerous threads on
FetLife, been very proudly vocal about her authorship of the article
she wrote. That's okay, and it's worth being aware of.

There are two things going on here:

First, I am very good at finding information. So are a lot of people.
Most of the people who are really good at doing what I can do with
information don't care to show you how good they are at it. They would
far rather keep you unaware and ignorant of what can be done with such
information. Most of them are so good at it that they are hired by
corporate or government interests for this ability. When that happens,
they gain far, far more tools than I currently have to do what I can
do even more quickly and more thoroughly. For most of us, corporate or
government interests are not a threat worth worrying about. It's
people with personal grudges that are a real threat, as I'm genuinely
full of sorrow that you had to learn the hard way, Bella.

Clearly, I make many of you uncomfortable, or angry. Moreover, some of
you believe me to be a threat of the form you describe. I certainly
*could* be, no one's denying that. But *am* I? Look at my actions,
*use the paper trail you know exists,* compare them to the ones in
your story, and try to figure out if my actions match your abusers'.
It may also help to compare my actions to Isaac's, or Jeff's, to see
if you can figure out who's holding a *personal* grudge, a grudge
against a PERSON, and who's not. I'll give you a hint: read my blog
post to find out where my focus lies.

I'm not trying to tell you what is or is not dangerous to you—that's
up to you to assess. What I am trying to tell you is that there are
things we don't know, and by being uncomfortable, rather than being in
danger, we can find out what those are so that we can *choose* to
learn more about them or to dismiss them. But at least we will be
CHOOSING. We can not *choose* to do anything when we do not know that
we do not know something.

Clearly, FetLife makes a lot of you comfortable. I think that's very
dangerous. It's dangerous not just because it means you're publishing
information about yourself that anyone with an email address can
access trivially, information that you *clearly* don't want to make
that public! It's also dangerous because it keeps you isolated from
people who do not spend time in FetLife. It filters its users' reality
to such a degree that many of its users are not even aware of. Worse,
they don't know that they don't know this, and that's the most
dangerous thing of all. It creates a social filter bubble.[1]

And *THAT* is what the BDSM Scene proper does, too. That is what *ALL*
Scenes do. That is not just dangerous, that is oppressive.

If we do not understand how these Scenes work to filter information,
then we are vulnerable to being controlled by those who do. We need to
make sure that they're transparent enough that we can see what the
rules are that determine what gets through the filters, and ultimately
makes it to us. I can make you uncomfortable because *I can influence
the filter*. This is a power we need to be aware at least *EXISTS,* if
not gain, ourselves.

Which leads me to the fact that, secondly, I can not ethically publish
most of the things I am written because they are not my stories to
tell. The fact of the matter is, however, regardless of whether you
*believe* me or not, regardless of whether you, or Jeff, will insist
that they "don't buy it,"[2] I have been asked for hugs, I have held
people as they cried on me, I have received countless written emails,
and more, by people whose stories make me ache not only for the fact
that they are horrifically painful, but also for the fact that *they
cannot be shared with people like you,* at least not yet.

Some of these people were at KinkForAll Denver. They were *already*
hurting when they arrived. Their personal wounds were hurting a little
bit less when they left. They came to KinkForAll Denver for the same
reason similar others came to previous unconferences: to take one
small step to reclaiming their sexuality. And they came *because I
made it an environment that is hostile to BDSM Scene structures by
influencing the filter.*

All of you who are so obsessed with me are not even aware these people
*exist*. Did you even bother to *notice* their presence at KinkForAll
Denver? Did you even bother to see the people who cried on my shoulder
after they asked me, tentatively, timidly, for a hug? I did. I can't
avoid noticing them. These people's pains are like magnets to me. And
where were you? Were you even *AT* KinkForAll Denver? You, Bella, were
not. Saskia, the person whose voice overwhelmingly dominates the
Westword article, was not.

PLEASE STOP TALKING ABOUT ME AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE PEOPLE WHO ARE
BEING HURT BY YOUR SCENES.

I don't *work* on KinkForAll for the BDSM community, or for Denver, or
for you. Bella, you said you didn't attend. THAT'S OKAY. As it says on
the KinkForAll frequently asked questions page I linked, above:

> We fully understand that in our society, for some people even the possibility of their [legal] identity being revealed will prevent them from attending. Should that change in the future, we would love to have you attend a KinkForAll event.

I work on KinkForAll for people who would never, ever show up to a
KinkForAll if I *wasn't* so persistent at making sure it was a space
where "privileged BDSM bullshit" (my words) had to *at least* deal
with me to do any more damage to *people*—not GROUPS of people, like
"kink" or "gay" (your words, Bella), but ACTUAL people. And the real
irony of this all, the real tragedy, is that many of these people WANT
to do BDSM in their private lives, in their personal sexual
encounters. And that's wonderful. But "the community," this Scene, is
actively hurting them.

That you can't see this pains me more than I can express. And I used
to be angry at this. I used to be full of rage at people like you who
were so unable or, worse, unwilling to see these people's hurts. But
the other day I realized that my anger is a self-defense mechanism. I
realized, at last, that when I am angry at you for these things, I am
simply victim-blaming, and when I do that, I am still being controlled
by The System that abuses us, the System that taught the BDSM Scene
how to abuse others like me and like the people who cry, either on my
shoulder after they ask me for hugs, or leave comments on my blogs.

In the future, I hope all Scene bullshit will have to deal with a lot
more people than just me. I'm confi