Top 50 atheist aphorisms

[Trance Gemini]

For your entertainment :-)

Source: http://friendlyatheist.com/2008/01/15/the-top-50-atheist-aphorisms/

01.15.08
The Top 50 Atheist Aphorisms

Posted in Friendly Atheist at 7:06 am by Hemant Mehta

An unofficial list of the "Top 50 Atheist T-Shirt and Bumper Sticker
Aphorisms" according to... well, I'm not sure. But some are quite
entertaining:

1. Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers

2. Honk If Your Religious Beliefs Make You An Asshole

3. Intelligent Design Makes My Monkey Cry

4. Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion.

5. There's A REASON Why Atheists Don't Fly Planes Into
Buildings

6. "Worship Me or I Will Torture You Forever. Have a Nice
Day."- God.

7. God Doesn't Kill People. People Who Believe in God Kill
People.

8. If There is No God, Then What Makes the Next Kleenex Pop Up?

9. He's Dead.

It's Been 2,000 years.
He's Not Coming Back.
Get OVER It Already!

10. All religion is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed,
imagination, and poetry. Edgar Allen Poe.

11. Viva La Evolución!

12. Actually, If You Look It Up, The Winter Solstice Is The
Reason For The Season

13. I Wouldn't Trust Your God Even If He Did Exist

14. Cheeses Is Lard. Argue With THAT If You Can.

15. People Who Don't Want Their Beliefs Laughed at Shouldn't
Have Such Funny Beliefs

16. Jesus is Coming? Don't Swallow That.

17. Threatening Children With Hell Is FUN!

18. GOD - APPLY DIRECTLY TO FOREHEAD!

19. Jesus Told Me Republicans SUCK

20. God + Whacky Tobacky = Platypus

21. God Doesn't Exist. So, I Guess That Means No One Loves You.

22. When the Rapture Comes, We'll Get Our Country Back!

23. Q. How Do We Know the Holy Ghost Was Catholic?
A. He Used the Rhythm Method Instead of a Condom.

24. You Say "Heretic" Like It Was a BAD Thing

25. I Love Christians. They Taste Like Chicken.

26. Science: It Works, Bitches.

27. "Intelligent Design" Helping Stupid People Feel Smart Since
1987

28. I Found God Between The Sheets

29. I Gave Up Superstitious Mumbo Jumbo For Lent

30. My Flying Monkey Can Beat Up Your Guardian Angel

31. Every Time You Play With Yourself, God Kills a Kitten

32. If God Wanted People to Believe in Him, Then Why Did He
Invent Logic?

33. Praying Is Politically Correct Schizophrenia

34. ALL Americans Are African Americans

35. I Forget - Which Day Did God Make All The Fossils?

36. I Was An Atheist Until The Hindus Convinced Me That I Was
God

37. The Spanish Inquisition: The Original Faith-based Initiative

38. If we were made in his image, when why aren't humans
invisible too?

39. JESUS SAVES....You From Thinking For Yourself

40. How Can You Disbelieve in Evolution If You Can't Even Define
It?

41. Q. How Can You Tell That Your God is Man-made?

A. If He Hates All the Same People You Do.

42. Every Time You See a Rainbow, God is Having Gay Sex

43. I Went to Public School in Kansas and All I Got Was This
Lousy T-shirt and a Poor Understanding of the Scientific Method.

44. WWJD = We Won. Jesus Died.

45. The Family That Prays Together is Brainwashing the Children

46. Oh, Look, Honey Another Pro-lifer For War

47. Another Godless Atheist for Peace and World Harmony

48. God is Unavailable Right Now. Can I Help You?

49. When Lip Service to Some Mysterious Deity Permits Bestiality
on
Wednesday and Absolution on Sundays, Cash Me Out. Frank
Sinatra.

50. No Gods. No Mullets.

[ZonkTheBear]

LOL. 34 is wonderful!

ZtB :)

[Trance Gemini]

More than a few are variations of things people have said on this site
too Lol!

[El Guapo]

ha ha! Thx for posting...

My additions:

51. Jesus Loves Me But Only For My Tits (doesn't work for me, but
might for Trance - at which point Jesus and I are one)

52. Thought about joining a church but I'm allergic to nuts

53. Religion: the ultimate weapon of mass destruction

54. Truth is my religion (and it doesn't have much to say about your
god)

55. Jesus is coming - and he doesn't pull out

56. So my choice is to believe I'm related to a monkey or believe the
one that's preaching?

57. Cogito ergo dues non est

58. To behave to avoid hell or just to get into heaven - that shows no
morals

[Dev]

Oh, this is a good post. :) Thanks, Trance.

On Mar 1, 4:34 pm, Trance Gemini <trancegemi...@gmail.com> wrote:

[Trance Gemini]

On Mar 1, 7:16 pm, El Guapo <natezenmas...@gmail.com> wrote:
> ha ha! Thx for posting...
>
> My additions:
>
> 51. Jesus Loves Me But Only For My Tits (doesn't work for me, but
> might for Trance - at which point Jesus and I are one)

We have a special thread for that EG :-P

>
> 52. Thought about joining a church but I'm allergic to nuts
>
> 53. Religion: the ultimate weapon of mass destruction
>
> 54. Truth is my religion (and it doesn't have much to say about your
> god)
>
> 55. Jesus is coming - and he doesn't pull out
>
> 56. So my choice is to believe I'm related to a monkey or believe the
> one that's preaching?
>
> 57. Cogito ergo dues non est
>
> 58. To behave to avoid hell or just to get into heaven - that shows no
> morals
>

Wow good ones :-) Thanks!

[Trance Gemini]

I found it on StumbleUpon. I like it too :)

[LL]

LL: Very good!

[LL]

LL: I wouldn't advise using any of them for bumper stickers by anyone
who likes the paint finish on his car.

I especially like this one:

There's A REASON Why Atheists Don't Fly Planes Into Buildings

On Mar 1, 3:34 pm, Trance Gemini <trancegemi...@gmail.com> wrote:

[cathyb]

Lovely.

One addition:

Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're a fucker:)

[Trance Gemini]

On Mar 2, 1:14 am, LL <llp...@aol.com> wrote:
> LL: I wouldn't advise using any of them for bumper stickers by anyone
> who likes the paint finish on his car.

HaHa. Me either ;-)

Good T-shirt one's though if you don't mind provoking theists into
irrational rages as you stroll down the street! Lol.

>
>  I especially like this one:
>
> There's A REASON Why Atheists Don't Fly Planes Into Buildings

That's high on my list too!

I'm thinking of getting some T-Shirts made up. HeHe.

[Trance Gemini]

On Mar 2, 1:44 am, cathyb <cathybees...@optusnet.com.au> wrote:
> Lovely.
>
> One addition:
>
> Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're a fucker:)

Beautiful! LMAO.

[Trance Gemini]

On Mar 1, 7:20 pm, Dev <thedevil...@fastmail.fm> wrote:

> Oh, this is a good post. :) Thanks, Trance.

Thanks :) I was bored and playing with StumbleUpon. Love it! lol.

[Lawrey]

Trance,

Great post Kitty. Can I contibute another one:

An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support. :)

> > >       50. No Gods. No Mullets.- Hide quoted text -
>
> - Show quoted text -

[Trance Gemini]

On Mar 2, 10:03 am, Lawrey <lawrenc...@btinternet.com> wrote:
> Trance,
>
> Great post Kitty. Can I contibute another one:
>

Lawrey.

> An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support. :)

LMAO! The one's that everyone is contributing are better than the
one's on the original list.

That's going to be one of my T-shirt ones. (changing "man" to "woman"
of course, or "person" ;-).

[Lawrey]

Lol! I would expect no less.

> > > - Show quoted text -- Hide quoted text -

[BlueSci]

On Mar 1, 4:16 pm, El Guapo <natezenmas...@gmail.com> wrote:
> ha ha! Thx for posting...
>
> My additions:
>
> 51. Jesus Loves Me But Only For My Tits (doesn't work for me, but
> might for Trance - at which point Jesus and I are one)
>
> 52. Thought about joining a church but I'm allergic to nuts
>
> 53. Religion: the ultimate weapon of mass destruction
>
> 54. Truth is my religion (and it doesn't have much to say about your
> god)
>
> 55. Jesus is coming - and he doesn't pull out
>
> 56. So my choice is to believe I'm related to a monkey or believe the
> one that's preaching?
>
> 57. Cogito ergo dues non est
>
> 58. To behave to avoid hell or just to get into heaven - that shows no
> morals

A few more:

59. God made me an atheist. Who are you to question his wisdom?

60. Born OK the first time

61. I found religion. I found it to be completely worthless.

62. Because all the works of science cannot equal the wisdom of
cattle sacrificing primitives that thought that all the animal species
in the world lived within walking distance of Noah's house.

63. Christians aren't perfect. They just want you to be.

64. Stop using Jesus as an excuse to be a narrow-minded bigotted
asshole.

65. Don't pray in my school and I won't think in your church.

66. So many christians, not enough lions.

67. If Jesus saves, why is he always asking for money?

68. The problem with baptism is, they don't hold them under long
enough

69. Read the bible. It will scare the hell out of you.

70. God is Santa Claus for adults.

71. Blasphemy is a victimless crime.

72. WWJD?--Who Wants Jelly Donuts?

73. When religion ruled the world they called it the Dark Ages.

74. Religion is myth-information

75. Praying is begging.

Gee, this is fun! Think we can find enough to make 100?

[Trance Gemini]

I love those! Hey go for 100. I'm enjoying it ;-)

My favorite on this list: > 65.  Don't pray in my school and I won't
think in your church.

LOL!

[Jackson Pillock]

Great stuff. Anyone who's argued with creationists will relate to
number 40.

[Trance Gemini]

On Mar 2, 1:56 pm, Jackson Pillock <jacksonpill...@hotmail.com> wrote:
> Great stuff. Anyone who's argued with creationists will relate to
> number 40.

Too true. Lol.

[rappoccio]

LOL! Funny!

[Keith MacNevins]

I wouldn't be too proud of that one.

--
Ambassador From Hell
Keith A. MacNevins
Elk Grove Village, IL USA
copyright

[bonfly]

Try and put up a two star response on anything Keith. Maybe try
positing an argument that all chicken are fish.

On Mar 3, 3:47 pm, "Keith MacNevins" <kmacnev...@gmail.com> wrote:
> I wouldn't be too proud of that one.
>

[BlueSci]

On Mar 2, 10:36 am, Trance Gemini <trancegemi...@gmail.com> wrote:
> I love those! Hey go for 100. I'm enjoying it ;-)

I'm having too much fun with this and am now over 100. Guess I'll
have to shoot for 200 now.

76. There's a sucker born-again every minute

77. I gave myself to Jesus...And now he never calls.

78. Jesus loves me, but I make him wear a condom.

79. Silly Chrisitan myths are for kids!

80. Fine! I evolved...you didn't!

81. Have you forgotten about Jesus? Isn't it about time you did?

82. Does God speak to you? There's medication for that.

83. They call it "creation science" because it's all made up.

84. Intelligent Design is the most stupid thing I've ever heard of.

85. Before you blame me, remember, it's all part of God's plan

86. The Bible...A Grim Fairy Tale

87. Faith is believing what you know ain't so
88. Darwin loves you

89. Atheists are beyond belief

90. If you want a country run by religion, move to Iran

91. Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh

92. Jesus save me from your followers!

93. God is a control freak

94. Atheist. Proud member of the reality based community

95. Atheism. The alternative to wishful thinking

96. The truth shall set you free...from religion

97. I read the bible. That's why I'm an atheist.

98. No God No Problem

99. I think, therefore I'm an atheist.

100. A mind is a terrible thing to waste....on religion

101. If you're not an atheist, you're not reading the bible properly

102. Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is
answers that may never be questioned
103. Freedom is the distance between church and state

104. So, what's your drug of choice? Religion?

105. Love is an emotion, not a deity.

106. For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son,
that whosoever would believe in him would probably believe just about
anything.

107. I don't know and you don't either!

108. Don't blame Christians, they just have bad role models.

109. If there was an afterlife, Isaac Asimov would have written a
book about it by now.
110. When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?
111. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

112. He is YOUR God. They are YOUR Rules. YOU burn in Hell!

113. The last time we mixed politics with religion people got burned
at the stake.

114. Humanity without religion is like a serial killer without a
chain saw.

115. Faith may not move mountains, but you should see what it does to
skyscrapers
116. What schools need is a moment of science.
117. Reality: That which doesn't go away when you stop believing in
it.
118. If you are going to believe in a god, better hope it's the right
god.
119. Non-judgement day is near
120. Reality doesn't give a damn about your beliefs
121. It's hard to be religous when certain people are never
incinerated by bolts of lightening...
122 Repentance is Futile
123. Atheists are Real People because they believe in Reality
124. I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existance of many gods.
125. A religious war is like children fighting over who has the
strongest imaginary friend.
126. The Religious Right aren't, and Scientific Creationism isn't.
127. Annoy a Fundamentalist Today - THINK
128. God is so patient, it's as if he wasn't there.
129. Science doesn't burn you at the stake for disagreeing
130. Every creationist's kid is one less competitor for college.
131. If god wanted people to believe in him, why did he invent logic?
132. Creationism--Wholly Babble
133. Mommy, tell the the part again where Jesus says I am a
disgusting sinner who deserves to be tortured in Hell!
134. Flatter Jesus or He'll torture you in Hell!
135. Here's The Deal you don't tell me about your personal savior, I
don't tell you about my personal yeast infection

> > > - Show quoted text -- Hide quoted text -

[Keith MacNevins]

Why would you say something like that about chickens? Everyone knows all chicken are fish, except for hardcore Creationists, I suppose. Do I have to explain it to you, bonfishhead? Okay. Every living thing derives its origins from the sea. We humans are all descendants of animals that originally evolved in seawater. Maybe that is why our blood is a lot like seawater in its composition. But naturally, you may conclude that chickens, too, have their origins from ancestors in the sea. Haven't you ever heard of "Chicken of the Sea?" Really bonfart. You are a dullard.

[JohnN]

> > copyright- Hide quoted text -

>
> - Show quoted text -

I'm holding a can that reads on its label: Chicken of the Sea.

JohnN

[Trance Gemini]

115. Faith may not move mountains, but you should see what it does
to
skyscrapers

This one just went into my profile!

Too perfect.

> ...
>
> read more »

[LL]

On Mar 4, 9:10 am, Trance Gemini <trancegemi...@gmail.com> wrote:
> 115.  Faith may not move mountains, but you should see what it does
> to
> skyscrapers
>
> This one just went into my profile!
>
> Too perfect.

LL: Very nice, but I fear that believers would say it's faith that
keeps them up and evil that brings them down.

> ...
>
> read more »- Hide quoted text -

[Trance Gemini]

And as usual they've got it wrong ;-).

Science keeps them up. It takes religious faith and evil to bring them
down!

> ...
>
> read more »

[vaidyaguru]

Dont forget to wear a visible bra outside the T shirt!!!

> > > - Show quoted text -- Hide quoted text -

[Trance Gemini]

On Mar 4, 6:56 pm, vaidyaguru <vaidyag...@gmail.com> wrote:
> Dont forget to wear a visible bra outside the T shirt!!!

Dare I ask why??

[vaidyaguru]

By all means you can ask.

Well I am just joking.

Since you want to put on your T shirt "An atheist is a (wo)man who has

no invisible means of support"

Let the support be visible.

Just kidding, dont take it too seriously. ;)

[Trance Gemini]

LMAO! Okay, now that's funny. Thanks for clarifying. I didn't get
it. ;-)

[vaidyaguru]

good you took it lightly,

Your original list of 50 is great and so are the additions.

Nice work done.

[Trance Gemini]

Feel free to add more vaidyaguru.

The additions are even better than the original list. Lol.

[Keith MacNevins]

True, we don't want to hear about your yeast infection.