Bull Shhhhhh
Chris Garner
this news group.
Let's hope that someone can do better in the future,
Peter Thompson
may have a point,
how can we be sure?
Chris Garner <supe...@mweb.co.za> wrote in message
news:384f7...@news1.mweb.co.za...
Rootz
Chris Garner vented his spleen in news:384f7...@news1.mweb.co.za...
> I have never read such a load of b--- s--t in my life as you spill out on
> this news group.
> Let's hope that someone can do better in the future,
>
>
Yes, that's very true. We have insignificant discussions of racism,
homosexuality, colonialism, the decline of the country and various readings
of poetry. Most sad. But even worse, we have drive-by shooters who deliver
blistering indictments of us and fail to back them up with any sort of
examples or suggestions - a terrible waste of bandwidth.
Rutendo
Ron McGregor
> > I have never read such a load of b--- s--t in my life as you spill out
on
> > this news group.
> > Let's hope that someone can do better in the future,
The above obiter dicta by one Chris Garner was referred to the famous
Professor Isosceles Vilikazi of Nyamandhlovu.
(Ed: WHY was it referred to Prof Vilikazi?
(Hack: Because EVERYTHING, in the end, is referred to Prof Vilikazi, that's
why.)
Professor Vilikazi immediately called a bosberaad, which is a thing they
have in South Africa where everyone goes bossies with a problem, to emerge a
few days later with a feeling that they have all contributed to the
solution, even if they don't know what it is.
Invited to the bosberaad were, Inter Alia, Gladys Dongo, her sister Janice,
Mr Economics Mugwagwa, Mr Distribution Bonamanzi, Mr Cadillac Chimbudzi and
the late Isaiah Kumalo. Inter Alia, as observers of all things Zimbabwean
will know, is the newly appointed adviser to the Aviation Ministry. The
late Isaiah Kumalo was expected to cancel, due to his unfortunate demise in
a brawl at Chilimanzi's Beerhall Wednesday night, but his entourage realised
that if he didn't attend, they'd miss out on the food and drink, so they
loaded up the body and attended anyway.
The others are well-known experts in their fields. Mr Mugwagwa has a field
a few miles outside of Karoi, while Bonamanzi and Chimbudzi both grow
mielies near Gweru.
The press were kept well away while the deliberations were in progress,
although the sounds of laughter, singing and breaking bottles could clearly
be heard during the sessions where more important matters were discussed.
At the conclusion of the talks, Professor Vilikazi attended a press
conference, where he produced a Prepared Statement, which he read out:
"Two packs deep frozen pork chops
One twenty-five kg sack of mielie meal.
One dozen tins tomato and onion relish
One carton Madison Filters
One 5kg bag white sugar"
At this point, the Professor interrupted himself, pointing out that, instead
of the Prepared Statement, he had inadvertently brought his wife's shopping
list, and could we journalists please come back tomorrow.
Peter Thompson
Rootz <ro...@ukgateway.net> wrote in message
news:82rj1b$h67$1...@lure.pipex.net...
>
>
> Yes, that's very true. We have insignificant discussions of racism,
> homosexuality, colonialism, the decline of the country and various
readings
> of poetry. Most sad. But even worse, we have drive-by shooters who deliver
> blistering indictments of us and fail to back them up with any sort of
> examples or suggestions - a terrible waste of bandwidth.
>
> Rutendo
>
schoolboy on our hands, after the style of Nash.
I further suspect that the composition of his indictment kept him occupied
for the greater part of the day. It might even be his first posting to a NG.
A little naiveté about the way he uses the expression "Bull Shit" - could be
a clue there.
What do you think, should we guess his age for a bottle of Scotch?
Peter T.
Rootz
Peter Thompson <pe...@mutare.freeserve.co.uk> wrote in message
news:82t7bv$o5r$1...@newsg3.svr.pol.co.uk...
yeah, sure, 15. But if I lose, whatever you do, don't give it to HIM, it
could be illegal.
H3Y DOODZ, WH3R3 CAN I GET SUM KOOL WAR3Z?
Rutendo (B1FF, on an off day)
Ron McGregor
> I have never read such a load of b--- s--t in my life as you spill out on
> this news group.
> Let's hope that someone can do better in the future,
Following on the debacle where Professor Isosceles Vilikazi accidentally
read out his shopping list instead of a Prepared Statement, the journalists
of the assorted media gathered again at Nyamandhlovu to get the real low
down. (Those familiar with Nyamandhlovu will know that you can't really get
more low down that that.)
"I have examined the allegation," said the Professor. "I find that if this
is indeed the
greatest load of bullshit that Mr Garner has ever read, he obviously hasn't
read much."
Tea was then served, after which the journalists returned by Emergency Taxi
to their bases in Bulawayo, Harare and Atlanta.
Ken
Ron McGregor wrote in message <82v5h5$2fbn$1...@nnrp01.ops.uunet.co.za>...
>
>
>"I have examined the allegation," said the Professor. "I find that if this
>is indeed the
>greatest load of bullshit that Mr Garner has ever read, he obviously hasn't
>read much."
>
>Tea was then served, after which the journalists returned by Emergency Taxi
>to their bases in Bulawayo, Harare and Atlanta.
>
is the common name for taxis in Emerging Countries. I thank the professor
for arranging for one at such short notice. The trip back to Atlanta was
hell revisited and had my taxi driver not achieved the incredible launch
speed that only Emergency Taxis driven by Emerging drivers can achieve we
would never have made it across the Atlantic. I have no idea what "Mopane
Fruit" is, but it was delicious and I must admit that most of the return
trip is a foggy somewhat confused and disjointed memory. The food at Emory
Hospital in Atlanta is not as bad as I had heard and I will call the good
Professor as soon as I get out to express my thanks in a more personal way.
Peter Thompson
As a prosecution solicitor in the libel action -
Newsgroup v Garner, I must advise you that your recent postings concerning
the irresponsible exploits of Prof. Vilikazi do very little towards bringing
about a successful prosecution on our part. The man is clearly a Buffoon and
the defendant will undoubtedly use your association with him to substantiate
his claim.
May I suggest that you distance yourselves from the fellow, seek a patron
with the social standing of someone like Mr Shinosys if we are to have any
chance at all of bringing about a successful prosecution.
Yours truly,
Thompson.
Ken <k...@selectivesolutions.com> wrote in message
news:82vdsf$lnu$1...@nntp8.atl.mindspring.net...
Ron McGregor
Peter Thompson <pe...@mutare.freeserve.co.uk> wrote
> Dear Sirs,
>
> As a prosecution solicitor in the libel action -
> Newsgroup v Garner, I must advise you that your recent postings concerning
> the irresponsible exploits of Prof. Vilikazi do very little towards
bringing
> about a successful prosecution on our part. The man is clearly a Buffoon
and
> the defendant will undoubtedly use your association with him to
substantiate
> his claim.
>
> May I suggest that you distance yourselves from the fellow, seek a patron
> with the social standing of someone like Mr Shinosys if we are to have any
> chance at all of bringing about a successful prosecution.
>
> Yours truly,
>
> Thompson.
Mr Peter Thompson
England
Dear Sir
We are in receipt of yours of the 12 inst concerning the above matter. Our
client, Professor Vilikazi, has asked that we disabuse you in the strongest
possible terms of the notion that he is in any way a buffoon.
Your grossly defamatory assertion seems to be founded on two extremely
flimsy premises:
!) The fact that on the isolated instance in question, he read out his
wife's shopping list instead of a Prepared Statement of national import; and
2) The fact that at the subsequent press conference he had relish stains on
his tie.
We shall dispose of the second allegation first, as the first allegation
requires more attention than the second allegation, which makes it more
appropriate that the first allegation be dealt with second, that is, to wit,
after the second allegation shall have been dealt with firstly.
In the matter of the relish stains upon the Professor's tie, we wish to
point out that this is Zimbabwe, where it is customary to eat relish (if one
has any) with one's sadza (if one has any). The wearing of ties, however,
is not part of tradition here. Therefore, if the Professor had relish on
his tie, then the criticism should be directed at the fact that he was
wearing the tie, not that he had been eating relish.
It should be quite clear to a firm as reputable as yours that if the
Professor had NOT been wearing a tie, then he would not have had relish
stains upon the said tie, given that the tie could not have been said,
because it would not have been in a state of being worn at the time.
The case of Plato vs Socrates is apposite in this instance, where these two
worthies debated on the subject of the table. If it was in a sealed room,
and there was no person present to see it, would there still be a table in
the room? And if it is alleged that there is, then where is the proof?
Applying this case, if Professor Vilikazi was not wearing a tie, could there
still have been relish on it? And if the answer be "No", how then can he be
described as a buffoon?
The Professor has asked me to add that he was only wearing a tie out of
deference to the large number of first world journalists present. Had they
not been so present, he would not have bothered to wear the tie. Or the
shirt, shoes and trousers.
As to the first allegation, concerning the reading out of his wife's
shopping list, the Professor has referred us to the statement he issued at a
further press conference earlier today, where he was accused of incompetence
over the shopping list matter.
The Professor said:
"Okay, so I screwed up. I have admitted it. What else do you expect me to
say? That I didn't screw up? And when you screw up, there are only two
possible courses of action. One is to resign. However, I am not employed,
therefore I cannot resign. The other course of action is to go back and do
the thing properly, and then return when it is done. That is what I did,
and I don't see that anyone should have a problem with that."
At this stage, an awestruck journalist from an unnamed First World country
asked:
"Say, Pro-fess-oar Vili-kay-zee, is this the wisdom of Africa?"
"Golly fuck no," replied the Professor. "But I wish to god that it was."
Peter Thompson
R.S.A.
Ref. Newsgroup v Garner.
Dear Sir,
With regard to your letter dated 12th Dec, 99. I have discussed the contents
with my colleagues and our considered opinion is that the matter of the tie
is most certainly not a flimsy premises.
You are aware I am sure that it is considered ungentelmanly conduct to sport
a school, club, or military tie when one is not associated with that
organisation. We understand that persons should only wear the tie in this
instance with officer status in the Brigade of Guards.
I should perhaps explain that officer status in Her Majesties Guards
Regiment's is not conferred according to intellectual merit but in direct
proportion to one's height.
For example:
6.2" Subaltern
6.3" Second Lieutenant
6.4" Major
And so on to Colonel at 6.10"
Vilikazi's height appears to be some 18" below the requirement for a
Subaltern or 2'. 2" for a Colonel he is therefor clearly an impostor.
Further more we are not at all convinced that the stains on the
aforementioned tie are in fact relish. They seem to us to have the
fluorescent hue of Cairns Tommango Ketchup, which would incidentally account
for the hyperactive behaviour of Mr Holmes at the conference.
We ask again that you re-reconsider your association with Prof. Vilikazi
Yours faithfully,
Thompson
Ron McGregor <ron...@iafrica.com> wrote in message
news:8310h2$2sjl$1...@nnrp01.ops.uunet.co.za...
Ken
Peter Thompson wrote in message <832pn5$kni$1...@newsg2.svr.pol.co.uk>...
>Mr Ron McGregor,
>R.S.A.
>Ref. Newsgroup v Garner.
>
which would incidentally account
>for the hyperactive behaviour of Mr Holmes at the conference.
>We ask again that you re-reconsider your association with Prof. Vilikazi
>
>Yours faithfully,
>
>Thompson
>
I object most strongly to being dragged into this sordid Vilikazi affair. I
attended only through the very kind invitation of a certain Mr. McGregor
(Although I retain my suspicions about the check for US$200 he requested to
pre-pay the Emergency Taxi fair from the Aieeeewe Airport to Nyamandhlovu).
I also insist that you have me confused with another person as it is very
difficult for me to see how you could call my probe position hyperactive. It
was essential for me to lie full length on the ground on my back. The fact
that I had to take a position under a large shade tree was due to the fact
that it was the only spot I could find where I could see the Professor from
a prone position. I also noticed the Guards tie and was trying to size the
professor up using the length of my foot as a measure, hence the prone
position. I was not asleep, as you so rudely inferred. It may have LOOKED
like my hat was pulled over my eyes, but looks can be deceiving. My hat was
very carefully adjusted so that I could focus on both my shoe and the
professor at the same time. It was crass of you to suggest that the
"guttural" (Your words, not mine old chap) sounds I was making were due to
sleep. (You seem to have a preoccupation with this line of thought). In
truth, I was duty bound, once the position was assumed, to get as good a
measure of the man as I could. This required holding my breath for extended
periods of time and then exhaling in a very slow and controlled manner. The
sounds you heard were simply my exertions to get the job done right.
I expect a full retraction and an apology so that we can put this matter to
bed.
Zakanaka
like to live in Tjolotjo which is not too far from Nyamandhlovu. (Nokuti ndi
nobva kwa Harare)That's the place to be on 1-1-2000. Free petrol will be on
stream, tear gas levels should be down and inflation should also be down to
about 6% once Prof Vilikazi has had his Ndaba. Bos(boring)raads are only
held south of the Limpopo. So there is plenty to look forward to despite the
vociferous defense of all parties. Incidentally, it is rumoured that Prof
Vilikazi is about to issue another statement to the Zim herald (but still
hearsay) saying that he had been seriously misquoted and is to apologise for
any inconvenience caused by this misquote. Apparently, he's gone to Nkai for
a break.......it has a nice beach and pub (old stable)....a growing tourist
destination, being the pearl of Matabeleland.news:82u11n$mnm$1...@lure.pipex.net...
Ron McGregor
Following on the debacle at Nyamandhlovu, where Professor Isosceles
Vilikazi, the well-known inventor, academic and political observer, read out
his wife's shopping list, the Professor has issued a statement denying that
he intends leaving Nyamandhlovu and settling elsewhere.
"It has been rumoured," said the Professor, "that I am moving to Triangle.
"For the life of me, I cannot think why anyone should suggest such a crazy
idea."
As is his occasional habit, the Professor finished the interview with one of
his impromptu verses:
I was born in Nyamandhlovu and it's here I mean to stay
Even though my critics try to send me on my way
I bear no love for places where the girls are underweight
And if they're thin in heaven then I'll turn back at the Gate.
There's girls aplenty waiting in Harare's fine bordellos
But their clientele is best described as hardly fussy fellows.
Lipstick, rouge and perfume may cosmetically enhance one
But personally speaking, they somehow don't entrance one.
Africa's true beauty must be best epitomised
By mighty boobs and buttocks and a pair of thunder thighs.
That's why in Nyamandhlovu, where the girls are so much bigger,
I'm quite content to spend my time, contemplating figures
The girls of Marondera and the maidens of Mutare
Simply lack the oomph to send my hormones on safari.
And I recall the time I went to check out on a rumour -
Which proved quite false - about the naughty ladies of Gatooma.
My greatest disappointment was recorded with a floozie
Known to all and sundry as Madame Mafungabuzi.
Frankly she was skinny, though she blamed it on the drought
She said that I should put it in, but I just wanted out
I wouldn't want to lose the many points that I have scored
By admitting carnal intercourse with a human ironing board.
"What's wrong?" she asked, "we've just begun, surely you'll stay longer?"
"Aikona, Mama," I replied, "Gakulu, siyabonga."
And left upon the mantlepiece a hundred dollar bill
"US?" she asked. "Zimbabwe!" She said, "Fuck, you make me ill."
From Beit Bridge to Chirundu and the Vumba to Karoi
Avoirdupois' essential for a girl to win a boy
A serious-ly pretty Shona lady is defined
As one whose skirt is much too tight to get round her behind.
There's nothing more attractive than an umfaaz' in her teens
Whose bum is frankly much too big to fit into her jeans.
So if she wears a G-string, and takes a size D bra-cup
Then that's the wrong tamboti that you've chosen, bro, to bark up.
So Nymandhlovu beckons, and I always yearn for home
To lie upon my leopard skin, and idly scrawl a pome.
I've given up adultery - it is the AIDS you know -
And also since I found my lovely wife was in the know.
While I was out indulging in some idle hanky panky
She was satisfying all the miners up at Wankie.
And so it's Nyamandhlovu where I'm bound to stay - and yet
I remember all those maidens, and am always in their Dett.
Ron McGregor
England
Dear Sir
I refer to your request that I "reconsider my association with Professor
Vilikazi."
It is well known that the world in which we live is characterised by Great
Betrayals. We have the example of former President Mandela, who undertook
never to forsake China Taiwan, shortly before he did the dirty on them and
derecognised them in favour of China Beijing.
We have the more current example where President Mbeki is happy to hobnob
with the bosses of Commie China, but declines to meet with the Dalai Lama.
Then there was that chap called Peter, the Galilean oke, who wilted under
pressure one night and said - three times, I ask you - that he didn't know
the man that he had faithfully followed for all of three years.
Then there was that bloke called Robert Mugabe, who presented himself as the
friend of the Zimbabwean people, but turns out to have used them to enrich
himself and his cronies.
Being of sterner stuff than these chaps, I will never, repeat never,
renounce my association with Professor Vilikazi.
Apart from the moral aspects of standing by him, it is useful to be able to
claim that one has black friends.
Peter Thompson <pe...@mutare.freeserve.co.uk> wrote in message
news:832pn5$kni$1...@newsg2.svr.pol.co.uk...
> Mr Ron McGregor,
> R.S.A.
> Ref. Newsgroup v Garner.
>
> Dear Sir,
>
> With regard to your letter dated 12th Dec, 99. I have discussed the
contents
> with my colleagues and our considered opinion is that the matter of the
tie
> is most certainly not a flimsy premises.
>
> You are aware I am sure that it is considered ungentelmanly conduct to
sport
> a school, club, or military tie when one is not associated with that
> organisation. We understand that persons should only wear the tie in this
> instance with officer status in the Brigade of Guards.
>
> I should perhaps explain that officer status in Her Majesties Guards
> Regiment's is not conferred according to intellectual merit but in direct
> proportion to one's height.
> For example:
> 6.2" Subaltern
> 6.3" Second Lieutenant
> 6.4" Major
> And so on to Colonel at 6.10"
>
> Vilikazi's height appears to be some 18" below the requirement for a
> Subaltern or 2'. 2" for a Colonel he is therefor clearly an impostor.
> Further more we are not at all convinced that the stains on the
> aforementioned tie are in fact relish. They seem to us to have the
> fluorescent hue of Cairns Tommango Ketchup, which would incidentally
account
> for the hyperactive behaviour of Mr Holmes at the conference.
> We ask again that you re-reconsider your association with Prof. Vilikazi
>
> Yours faithfully,
>
> Thompson
>
>