Tired of conservative religious zealots
vanc...@ohstpy.mps.ohio-state.edu
> In article <35...@hacgate.SCG.HAC.COM> mshe...@luna.dpl.scg.hac.com (Marti Sheldon) writes:
>>All I can say is I pray for the life of our president.
>
> Considering who's Vice President, so do I.
>
Isn't it amazing how, before Dan Quayl, noone really gave a rats ass
about the VP, but DQ succeeded in making a joke out of his office. Now
the wounded Republicans feel obliged to try to equate Al Gore
with Dan Quayl.
Al Gore is no Dan Quayl (and neither is anyone for that matter :D
-Garrett
> --
> Mike Van Pelt "When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million
> m...@netcom.com new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be
> tax collectors." -- Jay Leno
David John Spencer
>>
>
#>Isn't it amazing how, before Dan Quayl, noone really gave a rats ass
#>about the VP, but DQ succeeded in making a joke out of his office. Now
#>the wounded Republicans feel obliged to try to equate Al Gore
#>with Dan Quayl.
#>
#>Al Gore is no Dan Quayl (and neither is anyone for that matter :D
>
I'm no big fan of DQ's..or any Republican since Eisenhower for that matter,
but your statement is not completey true..Spiro T. Agnew set the standard
for being The National Joke...until Danny came along and shattered all
existing records. And you are right. No matter how hard the Fans of Limbaugh
try, they will *never* be able to bring Gore to that level. For while he is
a bit stiff..he is not a complete idiot like J. Danforth [I-served-coffee-
and-donuts-back-home-while-Al-was-in-'Nam] Quayle. And for those who think
Quayle is the leading contender for the '96 Repo nomination, they are
*guaranteeing* 4-more years of Bill Clinton.
-------WELD [now-if-only-he'd go independent] FOR PRESIDENT--------------------
--spence
Animesh Karna
>>
>> Considering who's Vice President, so do I.
>
>Isn't it amazing how, before Dan Quayl, noone really gave a rats ass
>about the VP, but DQ succeeded in making a joke out of his office. Now
>the wounded Republicans feel obliged to try to equate Al Gore
>with Dan Quayl.
>
>Al Gore is no Dan Quayl (and neither is anyone for that matter :D
Shouldn't that be "Al Gor"? ;-)
Jason 'Think!' Steiner
> mvpC6y...@netcom.com>, m...@netcom.com (Mike Van Pelt) writes:
> Isn't it amazing how, before Dan Quayl, noone really gave a rats ass
> about the VP, but DQ succeeded in making a joke out of his office.
> Now the wounded Republicans feel obliged to try to equate Al Gore
> with Dan Quayl.
equate?!?! that's an insult to Danny! who is an idiot, BTW, but at
least he knows who Washington was & could probably find his way out
of the woods without a helicopter...
> Al Gore is no Dan Quayl (and neither is anyone for that matter :D
too bad, that. Al's blank stare just makes him look more stupid than
humorous. now _Dan_ had a really classic deer-in-the-headlights look...
jason
--
`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`
`,` "...And I didn't even need pants!!" - Dilbert explains the internet `,`
`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,`,` ste...@jupiter.cse.utoledo.edu `,`,`,`
Bill Ray
: In article <mvpC6y...@netcom.com>, m...@netcom.com (Mike Van Pelt) writes:
: > In article <35...@hacgate.SCG.HAC.COM> mshe...@luna.dpl.scg.hac.com (Marti Sheldon) writes:
: >>All I can say is I pray for the life of our president.
: >
: > Considering who's Vice President, so do I.
: >
: Isn't it amazing how, before Dan Quayl, noone really gave a rats ass
: about the VP, but DQ succeeded in making a joke out of his office. Now
: the wounded Republicans feel obliged to try to equate Al Gore
: with Dan Quayl.
: Al Gore is no Dan Quayl (and neither is anyone for that matter :D
: -Garrett
It's time to come off the Dan Quayle tirade. Dan was a fine VP, you
have no real evidence otherwise. His major blunder was he was not a
smooth speaker. This does not make him stupid, any more than the
atrocious spelling on the net makes the writers stupid. It is a
foolish way to assign worth to a man.
I like Dan Quayle for his solid values and for the way he sticks to
those values. With a nation full of slick-speaking politicians, I
would rather have one who is not so slick, but who could be trusted.
Bill
Dale J Miller
>vanc...@ohstpy.mps.ohio-state.edu wrote:
>
>It's time to come off the Dan Quayle tirade. Dan was a fine VP, you
>have no real evidence otherwise. His major blunder was he was not a
>smooth speaker. This does not make him stupid, any more than the
>atrocious spelling on the net makes the writers stupid. It is a
>foolish way to assign worth to a man.
>
and it looks like he wanted to throw a blazing fastball, but he took
something off that pitch, yessirree. It looks like it's going to be
a meatball - one giant knock-that-thing-out-of-the-ballpark meatball.
>I like Dan Quayle for his solid values and for the way he sticks to
>those values. With a nation full of slick-speaking politicians, I
>would rather have one who is not so slick, but who could be trusted.
>
>Bill
>
Oh yeah! That's the mistake the hometeam has been waiting for. And thanks
to computer technology, this pitch will be repeated again and again,
so those happy a.f.d-q sluggers can add some more points onto the ol'
batting average.
Grab your Louisville Sluggers and line it up!
<*BAM*> And there's another one hit out of the park!
Dale, calmly watching as the score mounts...
Dale J. Miller | "Has anyone told Bob Dole about the
dami...@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu | woman in Russell who talks to St.
Und dazu Eisgekuehlte Brommerlunde. | Peter in her basement?" - Robert Day
gar...@ingres.com
>vanc...@ohstpy.mps.ohio-state.edu wrote:
>: In article <mvpC6y...@netcom.com>, m...@netcom.com (Mike Van Pelt) writes:
>: > In article <35...@hacgate.SCG.HAC.COM> mshe...@luna.dpl.scg.hac.com (Marti Sheldon) writes:
>: >>All I can say is I pray for the life of our president.
>: >
>: > Considering who's Vice President, so do I.
>: >
>: Isn't it amazing how, before Dan Quayl, noone really gave a rats ass
>: about the VP, but DQ succeeded in making a joke out of his office. Now
>: the wounded Republicans feel obliged to try to equate Al Gore
>: Al Gore is no Dan Quayle (and neither is anyone for that matter :D
>
>It's time to come off the Dan Quayle tirade. Dan was a fine VP, you
>have no real evidence otherwise.
MORE FLAME BAIT! I'll keep this short since I'm sure that there will be
plenty of flames of this post.
As for coming off the Dan Quayle tirade, "Why?" This is a.f.d-q,
is it not? What else should we talk about in a.f.d-q?
As for "no real evidence otherwise", we have 20-odd pages
of proof.
>His major blunder was he was not a
>smooth speaker.
..or smooth thinker, or smooth speller, or smooth in bed...ect.
>This does not make him stupid, any more than the
>atrocious spelling on the net makes the writers stupid. It is a
>foolish way to assign worth to a man.
If all he did was make a few mistakes in speaking and spelling then this
group would have probably been dead long ago. But it goes far beyond that.
I'll allow the rest of the group to address that.
>
>I like Dan Quayle for his solid values and for the way he sticks to
>those values.
Which values are those? The way he attacked a fictional character? Or the
way he went after the "media elite', even though he couldn't really say
just who IS the media elite? Danoe was a hero all right. I'm sure he
terrified all those Viet Cong who invaded Indiana in the 60's.
> With a nation full of slick-speaking politicians, I
>would rather have one who is not so slick, but who could be trusted.
>
Trusted to entertain, you mean.
>Bill
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"America is like a melting pot. The people at the bottom Garrett Johnson
get burned, and the scum floats to the top." -Charlie King Gar...@Ingres.com
"Indeed I tremble for my country when I reflect that
God is just." - Thomas Jefferson
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
pat walsh
>And it's the wind, and the pitch...
>>vanc...@ohstpy.mps.ohio-state.edu wrote:
>>
>>It's time to come off the Dan Quayle tirade. Dan was a fine VP, you
>>have no real evidence otherwise. His major blunder was he was not a
>>smooth speaker. This does not make him stupid, any more than the
>>atrocious spelling on the net makes the writers stupid. It is a
>>foolish way to assign worth to a man.
>>
>and it looks like he wanted to throw a blazing fastball, but he took
>something off that pitch, yessirree. It looks like it's going to be
>a meatball - one giant knock-that-thing-out-of-the-ballpark meatball.
>>I like Dan Quayle for his solid values and for the way he sticks to
>>those values. With a nation full of slick-speaking politicians, I
>>would rather have one who is not so slick, but who could be trusted.
>>
>>Bill
>>
>Oh yeah! That's the mistake the hometeam has been waiting for. And thanks
>to computer technology, this pitch will be repeated again and again,
>so those happy a.f.d-q sluggers can add some more points onto the ol'
>batting average.
>Grab your Louisville Sluggers and line it up!
><*BAM*> And there's another one hit out of the park!
>Dale, calmly watching as the score mounts...
And now one of the home team's cheerleaders, Mr. Walsh, is running out
onto the field. Everybody, now! Let's join in on the cheer:
FRESH MEAT! FRESH MEAT! FRESH MEAT!
:-)
- Patrick Walsh
University of Virginia Department of Physics
p...@virginia.bitnet, p...@virginia.edu, p...@gomez.phys.virginia.edu
Jeff Sicherman
>It's time to come off the Dan Quayle tirade. Dan was a fine VP, you
>have no real evidence otherwise. His major blunder was he was not a
>smooth speaker. This does not make him stupid, any more than the
>atrocious spelling on the net makes the writers stupid. It is a
>foolish way to assign worth to a man.
This is emininently true. Dan Quayle was a GREAT vice-president.
Of course the qualifications for the job are quite low.
It was President that he was grossly unqualified for.
--
Jeff Sicherman
up the net without a .sig
Maddi Hausmann
>It's time to come off the Dan Quayle tirade. Dan was a fine VP, you
>have no real evidence otherwise. His major blunder was he was not a
>smooth speaker. This does not make him stupid, any more than the
>atrocious spelling on the net makes the writers stupid. It is a
>foolish way to assign worth to a man.
>
>I like Dan Quayle for his solid values and for the way he sticks to
>those values. With a nation full of slick-speaking politicians, I
>would rather have one who is not so slick, but who could be trusted.
Another day, another Limbot. They're starting to sound like
Jehovah's Witnesses, with their pat answers explaining everything,
but really explaining nothing.
--
Maddi Hausmann mad...@netcom.com
Centigram Communications Corp San Jose California 408/428-3553
Kids, please don't try this at home. Remember, I post professionally.
Mark Wilson
|In article <mvpC6y...@netcom.com>, m...@netcom.com (Mike Van Pelt) writes:
|> In article <35...@hacgate.SCG.HAC.COM> mshe...@luna.dpl.scg.hac.com (Marti Sheldon) writes:
|>>All I can say is I pray for the life of our president.
|>
|> Considering who's Vice President, so do I.
|>
|Isn't it amazing how, before Dan Quayl, noone really gave a rats ass
|about the VP, but DQ succeeded in making a joke out of his office. Now
|the wounded Republicans feel obliged to try to equate Al Gore
|with Dan Quayl.
|Al Gore is no Dan Quayl (and neither is anyone for that matter :D
Your absolutely right, at least Dan Quayle was harmless.
--
Mob rule isn't any prettier merely because the mob calls itself a government
It ain't charity if you are using someone else's money.
Wilson's theory of relativity: If you go back far enough, we're all related.
Mark....@AtlantaGA.NCR.com
vanc...@ohstpy.mps.ohio-state.edu
I never wrote that. Please check up your followup attributes!
-Garrett
Mark Langenbahn - SE Dayton,OH
I think the VP position has always ( at least in my memory ), been the
target of jokes. Johnson, Agnew, Ford ( did Ford have a VP, I forget),
Mondale, Bush, Quayl, and now Gore. All were very capable men before
they were VP, but became the butt of jokes the day of the inaugeral.
Mark
Herbert Rutledge
|> It's time to come off the Dan Quayle tirade. Dan was a fine VP, you
|> have no real evidence otherwise.
% mail r...@engr.LaTech.edu < /home/train/News/quaylequotes
--
_________________________________________________________________________
| | |
| Herbert Rutledge, aka Train | |
| Paramax Systems Corporation | "To post is human; to flame, divine." |
| Valley Forge Labs, M/S GVL-3 | |
| P.O. Box 517, Paoli, PA 19301 | ---Alexander Pope |
| Internet: tr...@vfl.paramax.com | |
|_________________________________|_______________________________________|
Mark Langenbahn - SE Dayton,OH
>
> MORE FLAME BAIT! I'll keep this short since I'm sure that there will be
> plenty of flames of this post.
> As for coming off the Dan Quayle tirade, "Why?" This is a.f.d-q,
> is it not? What else should we talk about in a.f.d-q?
> As for "no real evidence otherwise", we have 20-odd pages
> of proof.
>
> >His major blunder was he was not a
> >smooth speaker.
>
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Garrett,
Maybe it was just you!!!!!!
Mark
>
>w> ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Herbert Rutledge
|> I think the VP position has always ( at least in my memory ), been the
|> target of jokes. Johnson, Agnew, Ford ( did Ford have a VP, I forget),
^^^ ^^^^ ^^^^ ^ ^^ ^ ^^^^^^
|> Mondale, Bush, Quayl, and now Gore. All were very capable men before
|> they were VP, but became the butt of jokes the day of the inaugeral.
Oh, and how quickly they forget! Nelson Rockefeller. Whose political
career was ended the moment he was selected to be Ford's VP. Who got to
see himself pictured on the front page of every newspaper in America giving
the finger to someone. Who was in office when Truman Capote published one
of the excerpts from his unfinished book "Answered Prayers" in Esquire
magazine. This excerpt contained a thinly disguised description of a tryst
between one of the characters and Rockefeller's wife while he was governor
of New York and concluded with the unforgettable line "...and after she had
left he discovered a bloodstain the size of Brazil on the sheets." Who
died just a few years after losing the 1976 election, while screwing his
mistress.
Jason Christian
(Checks for Jason signature. Nope, not me. Not another fraudulent
syntheto-limbot article. No silly keywords indicating ``joke post.''
Followups not directed to a.f.d-q.)
Folks, this is genuine. Someone send this guy the QuayleDroppings.
--
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jason Christian Agricultural Economics
ja...@primal.ucdavis.edu University of California, Davis
Office:(916)752-1357 FAX:(916)752-5614 Davis, CA 95616
Herbert Rutledge
|> [Nelson Rockefeller] Who
|> died just a few years after losing the 1976 election, while screwing his
|> mistress.
When what he should have written was:
|> [Nelson Rockefeller] Who
|> died just a few years after Ford lost the 1976 election, while screwing
|> his mistress.
Sorry. I got so caught up in deleting the part about the time Rockefeller
was almost killed by an angry mob in South America that I forgot to fix
this sentence. And these are just some of the highlights of both his brief
stint as VP and the almost-as-brief remainder of his life. Anyone else out
there care to supply any others?
My thanks to Pat Walsh for pointing out this error.
gar...@ingres.com
>In article 21...@pony.Ingres.COM, gar...@Ingres.COM () writes:
>>
>> MORE FLAME BAIT! I'll keep this short since I'm sure that there will be
>> plenty of flames of this post.
>> As for coming off the Dan Quayle tirade, "Why?" This is a.f.d-q,
>> is it not? What else should we talk about in a.f.d-q?
>> As for "no real evidence otherwise", we have 20-odd pages
>> of proof.
>>
>> >His major blunder was he was not a
>> >smooth speaker.
>>
>> ...or smooth thinker, or smooth speller, or smooth in bed...ect.
> ^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>Garrett,
> Maybe it was just you!!!!!!
>
I would hate to think that that is all the better you can do to defend
your hero.
Mark, no one ever accused me of prefering golf over sex (or anything,
for that matter).
> Mark
Nicholas Duncan
|> In a previous post, Train writes:
|> |> [Nelson Rockefeller] Who
|> |> died just a few years after Ford lost the 1976 election, while screwing
|> |> his mistress.
|>
Gerald Ford lost the 1976 election while screwing his mistress??? I thought he couldn't even chew gum and walk at the same time.
--
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
-- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89
Me Too -- Nick Duncan <dun...@mprgate.mpr.ca>
Jason K. Schechner
>vanc...@ohstpy.mps.ohio-state.edu writes:
>> mvpC6y...@netcom.com>, m...@netcom.com (Mike Van Pelt) writes:
>> > mshe...@luna.dpl.scg.hac.com (Marti Sheldon) writes:
>
>> Isn't it amazing how, before Dan Quayl, noone really gave a rats ass
>> about the VP, but DQ succeeded in making a joke out of his office.
>> Now the wounded Republicans feel obliged to try to equate Al Gore
>> with Dan Quayl.
>
>equate?!?! that's an insult to Danny! who is an idiot, BTW, but at
>least he knows who Washington was & could probably find his way out
>of the woods without a helicopter...
Ok, for the last time, Here's the story from Monticello, from
a friend's video tape:
The tour guide leads the Clintons and the Gores into a room
with lots of plaster busts of former Presidents on pedestals about 8
feet high. The room is also lit from above, so the glare is intense
(I've been there a number of times: it's only 15 minutes from where
I live) and things are hard to see. The tour guide explains about the
busts, but Al is talking to Bill. Then as they're leaving the room Al
asks "so who are these gentlemen?" talking about the busts. All he is
guilty of is not paying attention to the guide or the room. It's not
like he studied the busts for several minutes then asked.
As for the woods thing. Ok, you've got one thing to add to
your Gore quote file. Have you seen the Quayle file? We're talking
THOUSANDS of lines.
>
>> Al Gore is no Dan Quayl (and neither is anyone for that matter :D
>
>too bad, that. Al's blank stare just makes him look more stupid than
>humorous. now _Dan_ had a really classic deer-in-the-headlights look...
It doesn't make him look stupid, just pensive. I met him when
he was here right before the inauguration and he is VERY intelligent,
VERY witty and a hell of a nice guy. I will grant you that he doesn't
come across very well on TV.
>jason
It's sad that someone so brainwashed by the repubs shares my
name. *shake head in dismay*
-Jason
--
God is real. Unless declared an int.
Jason K. Schechner
In article <1su79u$p...@aurora.engr.latech.edu> the following appeared:
>
>It's time to come off the Dan Quayle tirade. Dan was a fine VP, you
>have no real evidence otherwise. His major blunder was he was not a
>smooth speaker. This does not make him stupid, any more than the
>atrocious spelling on the net makes the writers stupid. It is a
>foolish way to assign worth to a man.
>
>I like Dan Quayle for his solid values and for the way he sticks to
>those values. With a nation full of slick-speaking politicians, I
>would rather have one who is not so slick, but who could be trusted.
>
>Bill
You're a commedian, right? This is supposed to be funny right?
No? Ok - then allow be to poke some holes in your precious theory of
Quayle.
You say he was "a fine VP". Explain yourself. What did he do
that was so fine? I can tell you several things he did that weren't
so "fine" and I'm not including things he said. Let's start with
bypassing Congress's proposed environmental laws without their consent.
His 'council on competativeness' only added to the cruddy environmental
condions in the US.
Values? Values like what? You yourself said that speaking
is a lousy way of attributing stupidity to a man. Therefore I
contend that speaches are a lousy way of attributing intelligence
and "values" to that same man. Name for me _1_ example of how Dan
showed the world "Family values".
BTW: When I see lots of typos it only tells me that the person
is a lousy typist (as I am). But, when I see the person use the word
"your" instead of "you're" or "their" instead of "they're" it tells me
that this person either slept through elementary school, is VERY lazy,
or just doesn't care. Believe it or not, that kind of thing speaks a
lot about a person.
He sticks to ideals? Oh, like abortion? He was an avid
anti-choicer (I can't call him pro-live, as he favors the death
penalty (as I do)) therefore he believes that abortion is wrong,
right? Wrong. He said that if Corrine (who I met. She's a lot
like her father. Same vacuous look in her eye) got pregnant he
WOULD ALLOW HER TO GET AN ABORTION! Can we say "hypocrite"? I
think we can. Shall I go on?
Jason K. Schechner
>In <1266.2...@ohstpy.mps.ohio-state.edu> vanc...@ohstpy.mps.ohio-state.edu writes:
>
>|In article <mvpC6y...@netcom.com>, m...@netcom.com (Mike Van Pelt) writes:
>|> In article <35...@hacgate.SCG.HAC.COM> mshe...@luna.dpl.scg.hac.com (Marti Sheldon) writes:
>|>>All I can say is I pray for the life of our president.
>|>
>|> Considering who's Vice President, so do I.
>|>
>
>|Isn't it amazing how, before Dan Quayl, noone really gave a rats ass
>|about the VP, but DQ succeeded in making a joke out of his office. Now
>|the wounded Republicans feel obliged to try to equate Al Gore
>|with Dan Quayl.
>
>|Al Gore is no Dan Quayl (and neither is anyone for that matter :D
>
Folks, I rest my case. (see my response to the letter this one
is responding to (hmm, sounds like 'Space Balls' "I am your father's
brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate" :-))
>---
>Mob rule isn't any prettier merely because the mob calls itself a government
You mean, like stopping up Congress because they can't shoot
down a bill on their own?
>It ain't charity if you are using someone else's money.
Tell this to Reagan and his pals. But instead of taking
from the rich and giving to the poor, they did the opposite, which is
even less fair!
>Wilson's theory of relativity: If you go back far enough, we're all related.
Sorry to tell you, but you didn't coin this. I'm not sure
who it was, but one of the major commedians was saying this many years
ago.
>Mark....@AtlantaGA.NCR.com
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
At least I can't argue with this. (Actually, anyone who
knows me knows that I _could_, but... :-))
Bob Smart
Hausmann) writes:
"Tirade?" Lately, most of the traffic here has been about his boss.
> >Dan was a fine VP, you
> >have no real evidence otherwise
Before I feed you to the boreworms, perhaps you'd like to tell us what
criteria you applied in determining which VPs are "fine?" In fact, we
have ENORMOUS evidence to support our various opinions of Dannie...where
would you like to start? We usually begin by discussing his
speculations (speaking in his official capacity as Chairman of the
National Space Advisory Council) about canals full of water on Mars, but
you're a guest here...you choose. Maybe you'd like to start with his
renowned grasp of target prices in agricultural policy? His use of "Red
Storm Rising" as a basis for defense policy? His academic performance
while he was in college? What kind of evidence do you think we lack?
> >His major blunder was he was not a
> >smooth speaker. This does not make him stupid, any more than the
> >atrocious spelling on the net makes the writers stupid.
Correct. His spelling and oratory skills probably did not make him
stupid, but something sure as hell made him stupid. His verbal
(in)ability is only one outward sign of the howling void where his
smarts ought to have been.
> >I like Dan Quayle for his solid values and for the way he sticks to
> >those values. With a nation full of slick-speaking politicians, I
> >would rather have one who is not so slick, but who could be trusted.
What, like his courageous stand on abortion? Where he firmly believes
that nobody should interfere in his daughter's decision, while
simultaneously insisting that we ought to have laws to take that
decision away from her? Or maybe you were especially impressed with his
insistence that people shouldn't make a career of serving in public
office, despite his having done precisely that? Yep, he's a man of
principle, all right: a real rock.
Smart like a rock, too.
---------
A fanatic is someone who does what he knows that God would do if God knew the
facts of the case.
Some mailers apparently munge my address; you might have to use
bsm...@bsmart.tti.com -- or if that fails, fall back to
72027...@compuserve.com. Ain't UNIX grand?
pat walsh
>Smart like a rock, too.
Headline in tomorrow's newspaper in Bob's hometown:
ROCKS PICKET ROBERT SMART RESIDENCE
vanc...@ohstpy.mps.ohio-state.edu
> vanc...@ohstpy.mps.ohio-state.edu wrote:
> : In article <mvpC6y...@netcom.com>, m...@netcom.com (Mike Van Pelt) writes:
> : > In article <35...@hacgate.SCG.HAC.COM> mshe...@luna.dpl.scg.hac.com (Marti Sheldon) writes:
> : >>All I can say is I pray for the life of our president.
> : >
> : > Considering who's Vice President, so do I.
> : >
>
> : Isn't it amazing how, before Dan Quayl, noone really gave a rats ass
> : about the VP, but DQ succeeded in making a joke out of his office. Now
> : the wounded Republicans feel obliged to try to equate Al Gore
> : with Dan Quayl.
>
> : Al Gore is no Dan Quayl (and neither is anyone for that matter :D
>
> : -Garrett
>
> It's time to come off the Dan Quayle tirade. Dan was a fine VP, you
> have no real evidence otherwise. His major blunder was he was not a
Oh? How about 20 pages of the Quayl-Quots file?
What a geek.
-Garrett
William C. Barwell
> In article <1993May13....@uoft02.utoledo.edu> ste...@jupiter.cse.uto
Now, now Jason. They've found them a nice little myth, ie the myth of
Gore 'n' Washington's bust. Facts don't matter! A myth is ever so much
better than a fact anyday to a lil neocon. Seen it all before. They
need their lil myths or they will dry up and blow away. Reality rolls of
these types like water off of a ducks back.
As for Al 'n' Tipper lost ion the woods. They always leave out the
gaggle of Secret Service Agents. I think that makes the story even
better, but they have to once again have their little myths. It was Al
'n' Tipper. Heh! Hehe! Are these lil neocons just cute as can be?
Pope Charles Slack!
--
po...@unkaphaed.jpunix.com (William C. Barwell)
Unka Phaed's UUCP Thingy, Houston, TX, (713) 481-3763
1200/2400/9600/14400 v.32bis/v.42bis
Herbert Rutledge
|> Jason 'Think!' Steiner writes:
[ Thread deleted ]
|> It's sad that someone so brainwashed by the repubs shares my
|> name. *shake head in dismay*
|>
|> -Jason
Cheer up, Jason. It could have been much worse. You could have been
named Rush Schechner.
STUART CHARLES L
< have no real evidence otherwise. His major blunder was he was not a
< smooth speaker. This does not make him stupid, any more than the
< atrocious spelling on the net makes the writers stupid. It is a
< foolish way to assign worth to a man.
< I like Dan Quayle for his solid values and for the way he sticks to
< those values. With a nation full of slick-speaking politicians, I
< would rather have one who is not so slick, but who could be trusted.
< Bill
Couldn't help observing that Bill is from Louisiana. What
is your estimation of what a fine Gov. David Duke would
have made had he won the election?
-Charlie Stuart
"That was uncalled for, Senator."
-Danny Q to Lloyd Bentsen in '88 ViP debate
Paul Havemann
> have no real evidence otherwise. His major blunder was he was not a
> smooth speaker. This does not make him stupid, any more than the
> atrocious spelling on the net makes the writers stupid. It is a
> foolish way to assign worth to a man.
Make way... make way... this one's MINE!
[Note to Jason: don't drop them into boiling oil. That may be fine
for some, but I'm on a low-fathead diet. Besides, I prefer a little
finesse. I suggest that you butter up your catch just a little bit...]
Oh, my son, you have come to the right place: the Newsgroup of
Enlightenment, where we will soothe your wrinkled brow and correct your
dumb blunders, ever so gently...
[...and then smack it in the brainpan (this will require practice) to
render it senseless (an oxymoron?), then fry it lovingly.]
Son, you're not entirely wrong. No, perhaps you're half right, just as
Dan has half of several attributes. Wit, in particular. Ass, for another
(perhaps that's an aspect, though, and not an attribute. Whatever.)
Baked, as in potatoe. Is his brain half-empty... or half-full?
Philosophers will no doubt snore over this question for days to come.
No, the verdict was delivered long ago: saying "Dan was not a smooth
speaker" is akin to claiming that "Koresh was not *entirely* loony" -- you
may _wish_ it to be true, but you devoutly do NOT want to belabor the
point where someone may hear you.
You say this unsmooth speaking "does not make him stupid"? Oh, my poor
lost boy {arm around shoulder}, I too was an unbeliever once, until I saw
the light. But come on! Face ye the light and believe! What else can
one conclude from horseshit like:
"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is
IN the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island
that is right here."
-- Dan Quayle, Hawaii, 4/25/89
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean
in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't
live in this century."
-- Dan Quayle, 9/15/88
I have made good judgements in the Past.
I have made good judgements in the Future.
-- Dan Quayle
Yes, I see the tears in your eyes. When the quivering stops, perhaps you
can endure more. In the meantime... any OTHER comments?
> I like Dan Quayle for his solid values and for the way he sticks to
> those values. With a nation full of slick-speaking politicians, I
> would rather have one who is not so slick, but who could be trusted.
Oh, we have MUCH to do... so much to unlearn in this one...
Jason, the spatula, if you please... (Booowaaaahahahahaha!)
------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------
Paul Havemann (pa...@hsh.com)
sig... wig... jig... gimmee time, I'm workin' on it
gar...@ingres.com
>In article <1su79u$p...@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu>, r...@engr.LaTech.edu (Bill Ray) writes:
>
>> It's time to come off the Dan Quayle tirade. Dan was a fine VP, you
>
>Make way... make way... this one's MINE!
>
>Oh, we have MUCH to do... so much to unlearn in this one...
>Jason, the spatula, if you please... (Booowaaaahahahahaha!)
>
>Paul Havemann (pa...@hsh.com)
Why, Paul. I'm impressed. I believe that you have completed your
initiation and are qualified to be a FULL FLEDGED A.F.D-Q'er.
Jason will you please present Paul with the honorary plaque
and key to the gates of a.f.d-qland.
BTW, you must be a little quicker. We have already flamed this one to
a crisp.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I hate to advocate drugs, violence, or insanity to anyone, Garrett Johnson
but they've always worked for me. - Hunter Thompson Gar...@Ingres.com
"Life is just one damned thing after another" - Elbert Hubbard
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paul Havemann
>
> |> [Nelson Rockefeller] Who
> |> died just a few years after losing the 1976 election, while screwing his
> |> mistress.
>
> When what he should have written was:
>
> |> [Nelson Rockefeller] Who
> |> died just a few years after Ford lost the 1976 election, while screwing
> |> his mistress.
Hmmm. No, now you've confused things further. Do you have any proof that
Ford was screwing his (Ford's) mistress during the 1976 election? Or are you
implying that Ford was screwing _Rockefeller's_ mistress during the 1976
election? I liked it better when you said Nelson corked off while doing the
deed...
Oh, what a tangled web we weave... is Woodward aware of this? ;) ;)
------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------
Paul Havemann (pa...@hsh.com)
[On the claim that "lying" should be grounds to nullify an election:]
"If that's the standard, President Clinton could get the death penalty
at this point." -- Jay Leno
Jason Christian
>In article <1su79u$p...@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu>, r...@engr.LaTech.edu (Bill Ray) writes:
>>
>> It's time to come off the Dan Quayle tirade. Dan was a fine VP, you
>> have no real evidence otherwise. His major blunder was he was not a
>> smooth speaker. This does not make him stupid, any more than the
>> atrocious spelling on the net makes the writers stupid. It is a
>> foolish way to assign worth to a man.
>
>Make way... make way... this one's MINE!
>
> [Note to Jason: don't drop them into boiling oil. That may be fine
> for some, but I'm on a low-fathead diet. Besides, I prefer a little
> finesse. I suggest that you butter up your catch just a little bit...]
>
>Oh, my son, you have come to the right place: the Newsgroup of
>Enlightenment, where we will soothe your wrinkled brow and correct your
>dumb blunders, ever so gently...
Bryllcream ... ...
>
> [...and then smack it in the brainpan (this will require practice) to
> render it senseless (an oxymoron?), then fry it lovingly.]
>> those values. With a nation full of slick-speaking politicians, I
>> would rather have one who is not so slick, but who could be trusted.
>
>Oh, we have MUCH to do... so much to unlearn in this one...
>Jason, the spatula, if you please... (Booowaaaahahahahaha!)
>
Paul J. Sanchez
No, no! Gerald Ford lost the 1976 election while screwing Rockefeller's
mistress. And while we're at it, did you know that somewhere in this
country a woman has a baby every four minutes? Your job is to find her
and stop her.
Uh-oh! I'm starting to experience Quaylethink, from going through the quote
file too often!
--paul
craig sivils
to compile his list, give Al some time. But politics is a rough business and
the VP is a rough job. Deal with it.
Craig
Duey
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS IS AN OXYMORON
by Pat Johnson
taken from May 13, 1993, Portland Community College, The Bridge
Opinion Editor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I bought a cat about six months ago. I can honestly say
that I think this cat is a feline personification of the devil.
"Little Guy" doesn't like to be pet, held, talked to, or fed. All
it does all day is hide and when it does make an appearance, it
hisses. I personally have never tried to give it any type of
attention after it got this attitude on life, especially after
an incident where I lost an eye and had to get twelve stitches.
My mother, in her infinite wisdom, believes the animal acts this
way because I call it Little Guy and the cat is really a girl. I
think my mom is too politically correct.
I am tired of being called a "Hyphenated American," as
my philosophy teacher put it. It is clear that the '90s are going
to be the age of the Politically Neurotic. In the '70s we had
elevator shoes, in the '80s we had enormous greed, and in the
'90s we are going to have political correctness, and it makes me
sick. I am making it a personal goal not to worry about
politically correctness. I refuse to put "-American" behind
every ethnic group who lives in the United States, myself
included. I can see people in the near future being called
"Straight-Non-Smoking-Blonde-Light Complexioned-Nike Wearing-
Pro-Choice-Republican-Coke Drinking-Junk Food Eating-Economically
Disadvantaged-Vertically Deficient-Vision Impaired-Southern
Slavic-American"--with a calculus disability. The idea of this
makes me want to scream.
What really torques me off about this whole politically
correct fad is people who are venemous concerning people they
don't even know. I was sitting in a teacher's office one day
when I make the mistake of saying, "I saw this gal and she had
a really cool purse." This professor replied "Oh, you mean a
woman?"
"Yeah, this lady had a really cool purse. It was shaped
like a fish," I said, trying to figure out what the hell was going
on.
"What made you think she was a lady? Did you talk to her?"
the prof replied, knowing that she had me right where she wanted
me. We then commenced to argue about how this girl, with a fish
purse, was a woman.
Look, I have enough problems remembering my calculus
proofs without remembering the PC name for every group on the face
of the planet. I just happen to find the word 'woman' annoying
for some reason. It is just a word I don't like, (I think it
is because I saw this western where this big, fat cowboy keeps
saying 'wooooooomaaaaan') so I say "gal" and "lady." Just because
I use these words does not mean I don't have respect for women.
It means I don't like the word woman, nothing more. If I am going
to argue, I want it to be over something much more important, like
how Les Aspin looks like Mr. Magoo, or biology. Giving me a lecture
because I call a woman a lady is just pure insanity.
I love the hypocrisy of this society. This decade is the
era of honoring diversity, yet at the same time we are lumping
everyone into convenient stereotypes, which in itself leads to
discrimination. If we are truly going to be "color blind" why
do we insist on labeling people by their race? Just the name
"politically correct" is rather ironic. When have you ever known
a politician to be correct, and that is their job!
All this fad does is piss off the people who just want to
communicate, nothing more. Being insistent to be calle
"-American" is just plain stupid. If you are here in America,
unless you had some problem with immigration which I could
care less about, you are an American. It is a given. Why, may
I ask, am I being pushed in having to state the obvious? We are
all Americans, unless you are a deep cover Soviet mole, like
Kevin Costner in NO WAY OUT, in which case you are Russian-American
(This use is o.k. because it is a Russian pretending to be an
American).
There will never be harmony as long as people are insistent
in being in their petulent little groups crying that they are
being called the wrong PC term. What we need to do is put our
thin skin away (until summer at least, when thick skin is much
too uncomfortable). I like to look at what Dennis Miller said
recently on an HBO special: "What's with our hand up on name calling?
When did this happen? As it turns out, adult life is just tall
grade school." I have to agree, as long as we are arguing over
what to call each other, and not the real problems such as pullution,
hunger, or even world peace, racial tension and bigotry will never
go away.
My brother found this article for me. I thought all of
you should read it.
Duey
Bill Ray
: < Bill
: -Charlie Stuart
The only Democratic vote I have ever cast in any election was when
David Duke ran against J. Bennett Johnston. Although I do not care
much for JBJ, there was really no question for whom I would vote.
In the governor's race, we had a real Hobson's choice. David Duke
would have been a terrible governor, but would have done no real
harm. The actual winner, Edwin Edwards, is now being investigated
again for manipulating the insurance laws to make personal gain.
He is a crook and an embarrassment to me. He will do far more
harm to the state that David Duke could have ever managed. Despite
that firmly held belief, when it came time to pull the lever, I could
not vote for either of them. I abstained from the governor's race.
Mike Van Pelt
>In the governor's race, we had a real Hobson's choice. David Duke
>would have been a terrible governor, but would have done no real
>harm. The actual winner, Edwin Edwards, is now being investigated
>again for manipulating the insurance laws to make personal gain.
>He is a crook and an embarrassment to me. He will do far more
>harm to the state that David Duke could have ever managed. Despite
>that firmly held belief, when it came time to pull the lever, I could
>not vote for either of them. I abstained from the governor's race.
That was a real tough choice all right. I'm more than half inclined to
think that the best outcome (once you were left with those two utterly
unacceptable choices) was for Duke to win, and then be assassinated
five minutes after taking the oath of office. Who's the Lt. Gov?
Is he someone halfway reasonable?
--
Mike Van Pelt "When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million
m...@netcom.com new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be
tax collectors." -- Jay Leno
David O. Laro
Well, Charlie, it *was* uncalled for. It was a breaking of the fine old
Senate tradition of courtesy which both of those fine gentlemen had
accepted.
You, on the other hand, apparently know very little about courtesy and find
it funny to pick on an entire state for the unsuccessful campaign of a
single politician. Pity. Wasted time here.
--david
Spencer PriceNash
>would have been a terrible governor, but would have done no real
You must be kidding. Please tell me you're joking.
--
Spencer PriceNash spe...@spencer.ann-arbor.mi.us spe...@umcc.umich.edu
The Official Internet Quayle quote files are available via anon ftp.
ftp to umcc.umich.edu, cd to pub/quayle, and pick up the 2 files.
Skeezix
In article <CS9988.93M...@tyr.albany.edu> cs9...@csc.albany.edu (STUART CHARLES L) writes:
>
> -Charlie Stuart
>
> "That was uncalled for, Senator."
>
> -Danny Q to Lloyd Bentsen in '88 ViP debate
Well, Charlie, it *was* uncalled for. It was a breaking of the fine old
Senate tradition of courtesy which both of those fine gentlemen had
accepted.
Oh, come on, it was completely called-for. Quayle was comparing
himself to JFK, citing some superficial similarities, and if he
thought he could get away with it, he must have thought Bentsen was
working without a brainstem. JFK had some well-known flaws, but he
was not a lead-tongued lamebrain who dodged the draft in a war he
later claimed to have supported.
-JC
Herbert Rutledge
|> David O. Laro writes:
|> STUART CHARLES L writes:
|> >
|> > -Charlie Stuart
|> >
|> > "That was uncalled for, Senator."
|> >
|> > -Danny Q to Lloyd Bentsen in '88 ViP debate
|>
|> Well, Charlie, it *was* uncalled for. It was a breaking of the fine old
|> Senate tradition of courtesy which both of those fine gentlemen had
|> accepted.
|>
|> Oh, come on, it was completely called-for. Quayle was comparing
|> himself to JFK, citing some superficial similarities, and if he
|> thought he could get away with it, he must have thought Bentsen was
|> working without a brainstem. JFK had some well-known flaws, but he
|> was not a lead-tongued lamebrain who dodged the draft in a war he
|> later claimed to have supported.
Another distinction: JFK preferred sex to golf.
Paul Havemann
> In article <1993May19....@hsh.com>, pa...@hsh.com (Paul Havemann) writes...
>>In article <1su79u$p...@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu>, r...@engr.LaTech.edu (Bill Ray) writes:
>>
>>> It's time to come off the Dan Quayle tirade. Dan was a fine VP, you
> [stuff deleted]
>>
>>Make way... make way... this one's MINE!
>>
> [complete and utter flame-fest of Quayle apologist]
>
>>Oh, we have MUCH to do... so much to unlearn in this one...
>>Jason, the spatula, if you please... (Booowaaaahahahahaha!)
>>
>>Paul Havemann (pa...@hsh.com)
>
> Why, Paul. I'm impressed. I believe that you have completed your
> initiation and are qualified to be a FULL FLEDGED A.F.D-Q'er.
> Jason will you please present Paul with the honorary plaque
> and key to the gates of a.f.d-qland.
Ten kyew, ten kyew! If I may quote a fellow Murcan on this historic (or is
that pronounced 'historic'?) occasion, "You ...like me!... you really LIKE
me!"
> BTW, you must be a little quicker. We have already flamed this one to
> a crisp.
Right-o. As of now, our formerly snail-paced news server has been upgraded;
I might even get first whack now & again.
------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------ ------
Paul Havemann (pa...@hsh.com)
[On the claim that "lying" should be grounds to nullify an election:]
Mark Wilson
|In article <1tj6nb$2...@aurora.engr.LaTech.edu> r...@engr.LaTech.edu (Bill Ray) writes:
|>
|>In the governor's race, we had a real Hobson's choice. David Duke
|>would have been a terrible governor, but would have done no real
|>harm. [...]
|You must be kidding. Please tell me you're joking.
For a governor to do anything he has to get it through the legislature.
Duke would have ended up being an embarrassing place holder for four years
until a real governor could have been elected.
--
Mob rule isn't any prettier merely because the mob calls itself a government
It ain't charity if you are using someone else's money.
Wilson's theory of relativity: If you go back far enough, we're all related.
Mark Wilson
Oh get of it. People, Bentsen included, had been implying that Quayle was
to young and inexperienced to be president, in case Bush croaked. Quayle
then pointed out that he was older and had a better congressional record than
did JFK when he was elected president. These were not superficial
similarities, and were quite appropriate given the charge that Quayle
was responding to.
Skeezix
In <JOHNCH.93M...@test22.sun.com> joh...@test22.sun.com (Skeezix) writes:
|In article <1993May22.1...@ringer.cs.utsa.edu> dl...@lonestar.utsa.edu (David O. Laro) writes:
| In article <CS9988.93M...@tyr.albany.edu> cs9...@csc.albany.edu (STUART CHARLES L) writes:
| >
| > -Charlie Stuart
| >
| > "That was uncalled for, Senator."
| >
| > -Danny Q to Lloyd Bentsen in '88 ViP debate
| Well, Charlie, it *was* uncalled for. It was a breaking of the fine old
| Senate tradition of courtesy which both of those fine gentlemen had
| accepted.
|Oh, come on, it was completely called-for. Quayle was comparing
|himself to JFK, citing some superficial similarities, and if he
|thought he could get away with it, he must have thought Bentsen was
|working without a brainstem. JFK had some well-known flaws, but he
|was not a lead-tongued lamebrain who dodged the draft in a war he
|later claimed to have supported.
Oh get of it. People, Bentsen included, had been implying that
Quayle was to young and inexperienced to be president, in case Bush
croaked. Quayle then pointed out that he was older and had a better
congressional record than did JFK when he was elected president.
These were not superficial similarities, and were quite appropriate
given the charge that Quayle was responding to.
You're right, there are similarities between JFK and Quayle. It's
just that the differences are so much more striking.
-JC
Mike Harris
> Craig
Hummmm. Wonder why no one's started a Gore Quarterly. Would anyone buy it?
--
>>> Finger for my armored text pgp public key. Internet:mi...@blkbox.com <<<
vanc...@ohstpy.mps.ohio-state.edu
> casi...@lescsse.jsc.nasa.gov (craig sivils) writes:
>
>>Truth is, they can dish it out but they can't take it. Danny had four years
>>to compile his list, give Al some time. But politics is a rough business and
>>the VP is a rough job. Deal with it.
>
>> Craig
>
> Hummmm. Wonder why no one's started a Gore Quarterly. Would anyone buy it?
>
Probably because the stiff is so, well, BORING. You'd have to make up alot of
shit to put in the pages of this.
Unlike Dan Quayl, who was never at a loss for words :) D.Q. was an endless
river of upveat material!
-Garrett
Don Coolidge
mwi...@ncratl.AtlantaGA.NCR.COM (Mark Wilson) wrote:
>
> In <JOHNCH.93M...@test22.sun.com> joh...@test22.sun.com (Skeezix) writes:
>
> |In article <1993May22.1...@ringer.cs.utsa.edu> dl...@lonestar.utsa.edu (David O. Laro) writes:
> | In article <CS9988.93M...@tyr.albany.edu> cs9...@csc.albany.edu (STUART CHARLES L) writes:
> | >
> | > -Charlie Stuart
> | >
> | > "That was uncalled for, Senator."
> | >
> | > -Danny Q to Lloyd Bentsen in '88 ViP debate
>
> | Well, Charlie, it *was* uncalled for. It was a breaking of the fine old
> | Senate tradition of courtesy which both of those fine gentlemen had
> | accepted.
>
> |Oh, come on, it was completely called-for. Quayle was comparing
> |himself to JFK, citing some superficial similarities, and if he
> |thought he could get away with it, he must have thought Bentsen was
> |working without a brainstem. JFK had some well-known flaws, but he
> |was not a lead-tongued lamebrain who dodged the draft in a war he
> |later claimed to have supported.
>
> Oh get of it. People, Bentsen included, had been implying that Quayle was
> to young and inexperienced to be president, in case Bush croaked. Quayle
> then pointed out that he was older and had a better congressional record than
> did JFK when he was elected president. These were not superficial
> similarities, and were quite appropriate given the charge that Quayle
> was responding to.
Oh, get with it! (I assume you meant "get _off_ it", but we've come to
expect that sort of spelling gaffe in alt.fan.dan-quayle... :^)
Unless you a) didn't see the debate, b) never read anything about the
geneology of Bentsen's famous line, d) know nothing about Kennedy's
Congressional record, and c) only believe what Republican spin doctors tell
you, you can't possibly honestly stand by what you've just written. Bentsen
was doing no such thing with respect to Quayle's age; he was deeply
outraged that Quayle would compare himself with JFK, a genuine war hero
with whom Quayle has never had much in common other than pretty hair. In
and of itself that had nothing to do with Quayle's qualifications to act as
President, *except* inasmuch as, since he was perfectly willing to lie
through his perfect teeth so blatantly even before election, he would never
have made a trustworthy President. (Not that that has seemed to bother most
NeoConservatives and other Rightwing Republican Types for the past 25
years...)
And where *do* you get this "better congressional record" garbage?
Kennedy's record was not stellar, but that was primarily because it was
short. He held several important committee positions in the Senate, and
also had the advantage of a four-year exposure as potential Presidential
timber, having unsuccessfully sought the Vice-Presidential nomination in
1956. Quayle's record, on the other hand, was essentially non-existent. He
had none of either that cachet or those committee seats, and his total
record of Congressional authorship and co-authorship can be counted on one
hand - in the Senate, the only bill with his name on it is a Jobs Training
act he co-authored with Ted Kennedy, and about which he doesn't seem to
have much to say these days... :^) Quayle was betting that Kennedy's
Congressional career was so far in the past that, since public memories of
it were already dim, he could make his outrageous claim unscathed by facts.
He lost.
Next time you want to offer your _opinion_ to The Net, you'd be well-served
to research the _facts_ - else you *will* be well-served on
alt.fan.dan-quayle, with a fine dill cream sauce and a few capers.
- Don Coolidge
Mike Van Pelt
>Next time you want to offer your _opinion_ to The Net, you'd be well-served
>to research the _facts_ - else you *will* be well-served on
>alt.fan.dan-quayle, with a fine dill cream sauce and a few capers.
Not fava beans and a nice chianti?
Tom Hinson
[...]
> Hummmm. Wonder why no one's started a Gore Quarterly. Would anyone
> buy it?
Why waste time on a VP when you have a Prez to lampoon? *Slick Times*
has a large and growing circulation. I wonder how it's circulation
compares with what the QQ achieved? Does anyone know?
-- Tom
Don Coolidge
wrote:
>
> In article <dfc-2405...@hombre.apple.com> d...@apple.com (Don Coolidge) writes:
> >Next time you want to offer your _opinion_ to The Net, you'd be well-served
> >to research the _facts_ - else you *will* be well-served on
> >alt.fan.dan-quayle, with a fine dill cream sauce and a few capers.
>
> Not fava beans and a nice chianti?
Naahhh...at least, not at first. I try to be a bit delicate. If that
doesn't work, *then* I haul out those little fermenters. The nice chianti
would be for *my* benefit, not that of my entree.... :^)
- Don Coolidge
Sunil Gupta
> Why waste time on a VP when you have a Prez to lampoon? *Slick Times*
> has a large and growing circulation. I wonder how it's circulation
> compares with what the QQ achieved? Does anyone know?
Shocked I am, I say shocked! Surely this can't be Mr. "Sunny Side of
the Street" Hinson showing disrespect for the office of the
presidency?
- Sunil
Brian Nelson Platt
>From: joh...@test22.sun.com (Skeezix)
>Subject: Re: Tired of conservative religious zealots
>Date: 23 May 1993 06:19:04 GMT
Come ON! So Dan compared himself with JFK and Bentson was rude. What
about little boy BILLY comparing himself with Prescott Bush in the
Presidential Debate. I was just waiting for Bush to make the quote of the
century:
"Mr. Clinton, you're no Presott Bush"
Speaking of the Prescott Bush comment at the debate, Clinton seemed
to think that his past was exempt from any scrutiny by any one. He likened
himself to those poor people assaulted by Joe McCarthy in his Red-hunt.
I would disagree with this statement. I feel that the position that
young Billy took during Vietnam says a lot about his character, his honesty,
and his ability to lead this country. Look at that statement in depth, and
see what the American people are finally realizing:
o Bill Clinton has no character
o He "has trouble with the truth" (he lies)
o He has no ability to lead this nation (WATCH)
The biggest pity here is that they American people are stuck with this
butt-head for another 3 1/2 years... and they are going to feel it in their
wallets!
BNP
------
"Watch your wallet" unknown great American president
gar...@ingres.com
Never heard of it. What's in it?
>
>-- Tom
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation." - Thoreau Garrett Johnson
"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people Gar...@Ingres.com
say you connot do." - Walter Bagehot
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bob Smart
(Brian Nelson Platt) writes:
> Come ON! So Dan compared himself with JFK and Bentson was rude.
What was rude about noting that Quayle's self-comparison to JFK was
nonsense? What other nonsense do you think Quayle should have been
permitted to spout without anyone openly admitting that it was nonsense?
How much foolishness do you want your elected officials to ignore?
Let's not forget, the setting WAS a debate...there's SUPPOSED to be
rebuttal in a debate, that's what distinguishes a debate from a speech.
Quayle made himself look silly, and Bentsen happened to be on hand when
it happened. Actually, I thought Bentsen was pretty merciful,
considering what he COULD have said with an opening like that.
Remember that unforgivably silly picture of Dukakis in a tank, wearing
that goofy helmet? He made himself look silly by doing that, and
everyone laughed and pointed when he did--where was your outrage for
such discourtesy then? Where was your rebuke for Bush, when he referred
to his distinguished opponents as "clowns" or "bozos?"
> What about little boy BILLY comparing himself with Prescott Bush in the
> Presidential Debate. I was just waiting for Bush to make the quote of the
> century:
>
> "Mr. Clinton, you're no Presott Bush"
But he missed the opportunity, didn't he? Was it the Halcyon that so
dulled his wits, do you suppose?
> I would disagree with this statement. I feel that the position that
> young Billy took during Vietnam says a lot about his character, his honesty,
> and his ability to lead this country.
Do you feel that it's necessary to spend one's formative years
butchering Asian peasants in order to become a well-rounded leader?
> o Bill Clinton has no character
> o He "has trouble with the truth" (he lies)
> o He has no ability to lead this nation (WATCH)
On point one, I have only a minor quibble: I think you really mean that
he DOES have character, but you don't like the way his character works.
That's fair; I didn't care much for Bush's "character," either. Out of
the loop, my sweet heinie!
On points two and three, I have the nauseated, pestilent feeling that I
may be entirely too close to agreeing with you. However, Nixon, Reagan,
and Bush weren't widely acclaimed for their sterling honesty, either,
and Bush in particular was a leader like Mother Theresa is a
prizefighter. The important question here is, is Clinton any WORSE than
the alternatives we had; so far I'd say that his Republican predecessors
drove the standards so low that he'll find it difficult to undercut them
any further.
That's cold comfort to those of us who were hoping for a hero, but it
certainly doesn't mean that anyone should have voted for Bush instead
(let alone Perot). Whether anyone should vote for Clinton again next
time will (at least for me) be determined by two major factors: who else
I have to choose from next time, and how has Clinton's WHOLE first term
worked out. At this point, both are open issues and the only way to get
answers is to wait and see.
> The biggest pity here is that they American people are stuck with this
> butt-head for another 3 1/2 years... and they are going to feel it in their
> wallets!
"Butt-head?" My GOD, he'll give us all COOTIES!
I know where I was feeling it under Reagan and Bush...at least Clinton's
method doesn't leave me walking funny.
---------
A fanatic is someone who does what he knows that God would do if God knew the
facts of the case.
Some mailers apparently munge my address; you might have to use
bsm...@bsmart.tti.com -- or if that fails, fall back to
72027...@compuserve.com. Ain't UNIX grand?
Aleksey Y. Romanov
>
> o Bill Clinton has no character
> o He "has trouble with the truth" (he lies)
> o He has no ability to lead this nation (WATCH)
>
> The biggest pity here is that they American people are stuck with this
>butt-head for another 3 1/2 years... and they are going to feel it in their
>wallets!
>
The good side of this thing is there will be a whole 3 1/2 years of
fun seeing a Democrat in WH. IMHO, We will never have this fun again in
our life.
>BNP
>
>------
> "Watch your wallet" unknown great American president
Aleksey
--
Aleksey Y. Romanov
DISCLAIMER: The views expressed are entirely my own and do not
necessary reflect those of my employer or anyone else
Julie Kangas
>In article <1993May26.1...@miavx1.acs.muohio.edu>, tdhi...@miavx1.acs.muohio.edu ( writes...
>>In article <1993May25.2...@mnemosyne.cs.du.edu>,
>>mjha...@nyx.cs.du.edu (Mike Harris) writes:
>>[...]
>>
>>> Hummmm. Wonder why no one's started a Gore Quarterly. Would anyone
>>> buy it?
>>
>>Why waste time on a VP when you have a Prez to lampoon? *Slick Times*
>>has a large and growing circulation. I wonder how it's circulation
>>compares with what the QQ achieved? Does anyone know?
>
>Never heard of it. What's in it?
The latest issue has a "Willy Wants Your Wallet" bumpersticker,
a 'lie-o-meter', a Hillary led coup story, and various Clinton jokes.
Julie
DISCLAIMER: All opinions here belong to my cat and no one else
gar...@ingres.com
>In article <platbr.54...@saturn.wwc.edu> pla...@saturn.wwc.edu (Brian Nelson Platt) writes:
>>
>> o Bill Clinton has no character
>> o He "has trouble with the truth" (he lies)
>> o He has no ability to lead this nation (WATCH)
>>
>> The biggest pity here is that they American people are stuck with this
>>butt-head for another 3 1/2 years... and they are going to feel it in their
>>wallets!
>>
>
>The good side of this thing is there will be a whole 3 1/2 years of
>fun seeing a Democrat in WH. IMHO, We will never have this fun again in
>our life.
>
next Hitler, the anti-christ, the next Jimmy Carter, and whatever other
puerile fear they can attach to him. What they fail to see is that their
REAL fear is that he will succeed.
>
>>BNP
>>
>Aleksey Y. Romanov
gar...@ingres.com
ranting that you can find in a.f.r-l.
>Julie
Julie Kangas
>In article <1993May28.1...@llyene.jpl.nasa.gov>, ju...@eddie.jpl.nasa.gov (Julie writes...
>>In article <1993May27.2...@pony.Ingres.COM> gar...@Ingres.COM writes:
>>>In article <1993May26.1...@miavx1.acs.muohio.edu>, tdhi...@miavx1.acs.muohio.edu ( writes...
>>>>In article <1993May25.2...@mnemosyne.cs.du.edu>,
>>>>mjha...@nyx.cs.du.edu (Mike Harris) writes:
>>>>[...]
>>>>
>>>>> Hummmm. Wonder why no one's started a Gore Quarterly. Would anyone
>>>>> buy it?
>>>>
>>>>Why waste time on a VP when you have a Prez to lampoon? *Slick Times*
>>>>has a large and growing circulation. I wonder how it's circulation
>>>>compares with what the QQ achieved? Does anyone know?
>>>
>>>Never heard of it. What's in it?
>>
>>The latest issue has a "Willy Wants Your Wallet" bumpersticker,
>>a 'lie-o-meter', a Hillary led coup story, and various Clinton jokes.
>>
>I guess that exaplains why I never heard of it. It has the same paraniod
>ranting that you can find in a.f.r-l.
I suppose you laughed at the Quayle Quarterly?
But I get it. When it bashes someone you don't like, it's ok.
When it bashes someone you like, it's paranoid ranting.
Something comes to mind 'what's good for the goose....'
Jason Christian
>In article <1993May28....@pony.Ingres.COM> gar...@Ingres.COM writes:
>>In article <1993May28.1...@llyene.jpl.nasa.gov>, ju...@eddie.jpl.nasa.gov (Julie writes...
>>>In article <1993May27.2...@pony.Ingres.COM> gar...@Ingres.COM writes:
>>>>In article <1993May26.1...@miavx1.acs.muohio.edu>, tdhi...@miavx1.acs.muohio.edu ( writes...
>>>>>In article <1993May25.2...@mnemosyne.cs.du.edu>,
>>>>>mjha...@nyx.cs.du.edu (Mike Harris) writes:
>>>>>[...]
>>>>>
>>>>>> Hummmm. Wonder why no one's started a Gore Quarterly. Would anyone
>>>>>> buy it?
>>>>>
>>>>>Why waste time on a VP when you have a Prez to lampoon? *Slick Times*
>>>>>has a large and growing circulation. I wonder how it's circulation
>>>>>compares with what the QQ achieved? Does anyone know?
>>>>
>>>>Never heard of it. What's in it?
>>>
>>>The latest issue has a "Willy Wants Your Wallet" bumpersticker,
>>>a 'lie-o-meter', a Hillary led coup story, and various Clinton jokes.
>>>
>>I guess that exaplains why I never heard of it. It has the same paraniod
>>ranting that you can find in a.f.r-l.
>
>I suppose you laughed at the Quayle Quarterly?
>
Actually, I've never read the Quayle Quarterly. I don't like my garbage
filtered. I would rather read the unadulterated stuff, straight from
the horse's mouth, or in this case from the dumb cluck's behind, to keep
on your avarian theme. I'm sure you have a copy of QuaylDroppings?
And since I agree wholeheartedly with you, Julie, you'll know that I am
perfectly sincere in my request that you share with us your collection
of Clintonian nonsense, straight from the mouth of the donkey, so to
speak. If you wish to use the research services of *Slick Times,* I'm
sure that's all right. But quoting lousy jokes by Dimbulb and his
listeners won't make it, I'm afraid.
>But I get it. When it bashes someone you don't like, it's ok.
>When it bashes someone you like, it's paranoid ranting.
>
>Something comes to mind 'what's good for the goose....'
>
>Julie
>DISCLAIMER: All opinions here belong to my cat and no one else
--
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jason Christian Agricultural Economics
ja...@primal.ucdavis.edu University of California, Davis
Office:(916)752-1357 FAX:(916)752-5614 Davis, CA 95616
gar...@ingres.com
>In article <1993May28....@pony.Ingres.COM> gar...@Ingres.COM writes:
>>In article <1993May28.1...@llyene.jpl.nasa.gov>, ju...@eddie.jpl.nasa.gov (Julie writes...
>
>>>>>has a large and growing circulation. I wonder how it's circulation
>>>>>compares with what the QQ achieved? Does anyone know?
>>>>
>>>>Never heard of it. What's in it?
>>>
>>>The latest issue has a "Willy Wants Your Wallet" bumpersticker,
>>>a 'lie-o-meter', a Hillary led coup story, and various Clinton jokes.
>>>
>>I guess that exaplains why I never heard of it. It has the same paraniod
>>ranting that you can find in a.f.r-l.
>
>I suppose you laughed at the Quayle Quarterly?
>But I get it. When it bashes someone you don't like, it's ok.
>When it bashes someone you like, it's paranoid ranting.
>
quotes BY DANOE HIMSELF, and things that the DANSTER DID HIMSELF.
The Slick Times, by your own words, is a fictional account of the
WIFE of Bill, a bumpersticker gimmick, a graphics gimmick, and some
jokes that have "Slick" inserted where polack was (and yes, I have read
the jokes, and that's exactly what they are).
When you have to resort to gimmicks and jokes then your material
is weak. When you have paraniod fantasies about his wife, then you are
reaching.
>Something comes to mind 'what's good for the goose....'
>
..is good for the Quayle.
Don Coolidge
ju...@eddie.jpl.nasa.gov (Julie Kangas) wrote:
>
> In article <1993May28....@pony.Ingres.COM> gar...@Ingres.COM writes:
> >In article <1993May28.1...@llyene.jpl.nasa.gov>, ju...@eddie.jpl.nasa.gov (Julie writes...
> >>In article <1993May27.2...@pony.Ingres.COM> gar...@Ingres.COM writes:
> >>>In article <1993May26.1...@miavx1.acs.muohio.edu>, tdhi...@miavx1.acs.muohio.edu ( writes...
> >>>>In article <1993May25.2...@mnemosyne.cs.du.edu>,
> >>>>mjha...@nyx.cs.du.edu (Mike Harris) writes:
> >>>>[...]
> >>>>
> >>>>> Hummmm. Wonder why no one's started a Gore Quarterly. Would anyone
> >>>>> buy it?
> >>>>
> >>>>Why waste time on a VP when you have a Prez to lampoon? *Slick Times*
> >>>>has a large and growing circulation. I wonder how it's circulation
> >>>>compares with what the QQ achieved? Does anyone know?
> >>>
> >>>Never heard of it. What's in it?
> >>
> >>The latest issue has a "Willy Wants Your Wallet" bumpersticker,
> >>a 'lie-o-meter', a Hillary led coup story, and various Clinton jokes.
> >>
> >I guess that exaplains why I never heard of it. It has the same paraniod
> >ranting that you can find in a.f.r-l.
>
> I suppose you laughed at the Quayle Quarterly?
Indeed! It was the best thing since the original Saturday Night Live.
> But I get it. When it bashes someone you don't like, it's ok.
> When it bashes someone you like, it's paranoid ranting.
No, no, no, my dear! When the Quayle Quarterly reported the absolutely
hilarious things that our dear departed ex-VP actually said and did, it was
OK. In fact, it was better than OK, because it distilled all those
scattered facts down into a tasty and satisfying digest. But when the
"Slick Times" consists (as it seems to) almost exclusively of (mostly bad,
some quite good) jokes, unsupported claims by rabid right-wingers,
political smears, and other fiction, then *that's* paranoid ranting. And a
first-class rant it is, easily on a par with Bush's campaign rhetoric.
> Something comes to mind 'what's good for the goose....'
Are you talking about chanterelles in a wine sauce? Oh, no, that's what's
good *with* the goose. Sorry. :^)
- Don Coolidge
Tom Hinson
Actually my comment above was meant as a simple observation, not an
endorsement. I haven't been moved to lampoon Clinton yet (although
I've been tempted).
In a previous thread, several a.f.d-q'ers argued that _merely_
achieving the position of President was not enough to warrant respect;
the person had to _earn_ it. I wonder if any of them currently
respect Clinton (and if so, on what basis, pray tell?).
As for being "Mr. Sunny Side of the Street" I confess to being an
optimist. If at least one side of the street is sunny, then that's
the side I'll walk; if neither side is sunny, I'll carry an umbrella
and bemoan my fate just like everyone else. But I won't expect anyone
else to provide me with an umbrella, much less carry one over me.
One final observation: because this is an _alt_ newsgroup (as one
a.f.d-q'er reminded me not too long ago), no one seems compelled to be
logical, rational, focused, or consistent. Why should _I_ be? :)
-- Tom
Brian Nelson Platt
>Keywords:
>Date: 28 May 93 19:57:53 GMT
>In article <1993May28....@gtech.com>, a...@gtech.com (Aleksey Y. Romano writes...
>>In article <platbr.54...@saturn.wwc.edu> pla...@saturn.wwc.edu (Brian Nelson Platt) writes:
>>>
>>> o Bill Clinton has no character
>>> o He "has trouble with the truth" (he lies)
>>> o He has no ability to lead this nation (WATCH)
>>>
>>> The biggest pity here is that they American people are stuck with this
>>>butt-head for another 3 1/2 years... and they are going to feel it in their
>>>wallets!
>>>
>>
>>The good side of this thing is there will be a whole 3 1/2 years of
>>fun seeing a Democrat in WH. IMHO, We will never have this fun again in
>>our life.
>>
>This is from the same crew that is predicting that Clinton will be the
>next Hitler, the anti-christ, the next Jimmy Carter, and whatever other
>puerile fear they can attach to him. What they fail to see is that their
>REAL fear is that he will succeed.
Pull your head out, GARRETT. Where do you get this crap? Usually it
is the Liberals who are pointing all the fingers and making accusations
about "name calling."
You no NOTHING about me or Mr. Romano, yet you bring out all kinds of
accusations which are completely without any base or support. It is fools
like yourself who voted for Mr. Clinton. It is fools like you who, at every
point of truth, branded those bringing the truth as: "The same crew that is
predicting that Clinton will be the next Hitler, the anti-christ, the next
Jimmy Carter,..."
You, Mr. Johnson, are blind and stupid (this is not a baseless claim,
you have shown your stupidity through the previous post.). Please refrain
from grouping me into some "CREW" into which you think I fit. Obviously, my
claims about Mr. Clintons inability to lead this nation were correct (just
ask 74% of the nation). Mr. Clinton does have troubles with the truth, and
if you deny this, you only show your complete and total ignorance.
Mr. Clinton also lacks the ability to lead this nation: in war, in
economics, in anything (except chicken farming and hoedowns). Mr. Clinton
is a chicken-shit, fully exhibited by his fear of going to Vietnam; he
cannot ever call up the draft or send this country to war because of his own
image. He has little/no experience leading anything near as large as the U.
S. So he led a little hick-town government of a small state in decline,
that doesn't qualify him for anything. Mr. Clinton was elected on lies, and
he will go out of his presidency in 4 years... in the wake of his lies.
BNP
Vern Morrison
In a previous article, pla...@saturn.wwc.edu (Brian Nelson Platt) says:
>In article <1993May28....@pony.Ingres.COM> gar...@Ingres.COM writes:
>
>>This is from the same crew that is predicting that Clinton will be the
>>next Hitler, the anti-christ, the next Jimmy Carter, and whatever other
>>puerile fear they can attach to him. What they fail to see is that their
>>REAL fear is that he will succeed.
>
> Pull your head out, GARRETT. Where do you get this crap? Usually it
>is the Liberals who are pointing all the fingers and making accusations
>about "name calling."
Pull your head out, BRIAN. In case you forgot, your beloved George
Bush, hardly a liberal, called Clinton and Gore "bozos," and Gore "Ozone
Man" and "Ozone." Behavior like that is a big part of the reason why he
and Bar are spending Memorial Day in Texas or Kennebunkport, while Bill and
Hillary will sleep, and maybe even have SEX, in the White House tonight.
It's called reality. Deal with it.
> You no NOTHING about me or Mr. Romano, yet you bring out all kinds of
>accusations which are completely without any base or support. It is fools
>like yourself who voted for Mr. Clinton. It is fools like you who, at every
>point of truth, branded those bringing the truth as: "The same crew that is
>predicting that Clinton will be the next Hitler, the anti-christ, the next
>Jimmy Carter,..."
Hey, slow down there, Sparky. You conservatives aren't quick enough
to type with bile in your throat; that's why you wrote "no" instead of
"know" in the first sentence above.
> You, Mr. Johnson, are blind and stupid (this is not a baseless claim,
>you have shown your stupidity through the previous post.). Please refrain
>from grouping me into some "CREW" into which you think I fit. Obviously, my
>claims about Mr. Clintons inability to lead this nation were correct (just
>ask 74% of the nation). Mr. Clinton does have troubles with the truth, and
>if you deny this, you only show your complete and total ignorance.
If Garrett is stupid, then you should be so stupid. And if Garrett
were blind, his posts would look like this:
::.: :: ....:.::.
> Mr. Clinton also lacks the ability to lead this nation: in war, in
>economics, in anything (except chicken farming and hoedowns). Mr. Clinton
>is a chicken-shit, fully exhibited by his fear of going to Vietnam; he
>cannot ever call up the draft or send this country to war because of his own
>image. He has little/no experience leading anything near as large as the U.
>S. So he led a little hick-town government of a small state in decline,
>that doesn't qualify him for anything. Mr. Clinton was elected on lies, and
>he will go out of his presidency in 4 years... in the wake of his lies.
There's nothing I love better than seeing a conservative so far in
denial that he resorts to crap like the above. "Chicken farming . . .
hoedowns . . . chicken-shit (you have a thing for chickens, don't you,
Brian?) . . . hick-town." I take it you don't care for the part of the
United States below the Mason-Dixon line. Gee, another prejudiced
conservative--THERE'S something you don't see every day!
Now go away before I taunt you a second time.
--
"The biggest problem with reading [Usenet] is there is so much and it
is all so interesting. It is easy to be enamored with it. Be selective
about which groups you read. It could mean your job, your family, or your
college career." --Ed Krol, _The Whole Internet User's Guide and Catalog_
W. David Higgins
=
= Mr. Clinton also lacks the ability to lead this nation: in war, in
= economics, in anything (except chicken farming and hoedowns). Mr. Clinton
= is a chicken-shit, fully exhibited by his fear of going to Vietnam; he
= cannot ever call up the draft or send this country to war because of his own
= image. He has little/no experience leading anything near as large as the U.
= S. So he led a little hick-town government of a small state in decline,
= that doesn't qualify him for anything. Mr. Clinton was elected on lies, and
= he will go out of his presidency in 4 years... in the wake of his lies.
=
= BNP
Were you of service age during 'Nam? Did you face the draft
then? It is easy to judge a situation without having had to
face it yourself, I guess.
Few positions in goverment are near the same size or complexity
as the Fed, so what's your point? You think that being the chief
executive of, say, Ohio is in the same league as President or
significantly different than the same position in Arkansas, Vermont,
or some other "small" state?
As far as characterizing Arkansas with pejorative phrases such as
"hick-town government of a small state in decline", allow me to
express myself in terms even a sophomoric shit-for-brain such as
yourself can understand:
Fuck You.
Julie Kangas
>In article <1993May28.2...@llyene.jpl.nasa.gov> ju...@eddie.jpl.nasa.gov (Julie Kangas) writes:
>>
>>I suppose you laughed at the Quayle Quarterly?
>>
>
>Actually, I've never read the Quayle Quarterly. I don't like my garbage
>filtered. I would rather read the unadulterated stuff, straight from
>the horse's mouth, or in this case from the dumb cluck's behind, to keep
>on your avarian theme. I'm sure you have a copy of QuaylDroppings?
Sure. I can laugh at all sides, something that is greatly missing
in a lot of posters here.
>
>
>And since I agree wholeheartedly with you, Julie, you'll know that I am
>perfectly sincere in my request that you share with us your collection
>of Clintonian nonsense, straight from the mouth of the donkey, so to
>speak. If you wish to use the research services of *Slick Times,* I'm
>sure that's all right. But quoting lousy jokes by Dimbulb and his
>listeners won't make it, I'm afraid.
I don't need Slick Times to make me laugh. I get all my Clinton nonsense
from the front page of the Los Angeles Times.
All the flip-flops on issues(Bosnia), all the trial balloons that are quickly
withdrawn when the public squawks (national sales tax), the personnel boondoggles,
the haircut, and all the rest are far more entertaining than any collection of jokes.
Sorry if you can't laugh, but don't try to spoil the fun for the rest of us.
>
>>But I get it. When it bashes someone you don't like, it's ok.
>>When it bashes someone you like, it's paranoid ranting.
>>
>>Something comes to mind 'what's good for the goose....'
>>
Didn't answer this one huh? Why can you laugh/make fun of Republicans
but we can't laugh and make fun of Democrats?
Julie Kangas
>In article <1993May28.2...@llyene.jpl.nasa.gov>, ju...@eddie.jpl.nasa.gov (Julie writes...
>>In article <1993May28....@pony.Ingres.COM> gar...@Ingres.COM writes:
>>>In article <1993May28.1...@llyene.jpl.nasa.gov>, ju...@eddie.jpl.nasa.gov (Julie writes...
>>
>>>>>>Why waste time on a VP when you have a Prez to lampoon? *Slick Times*
>>>>>>has a large and growing circulation. I wonder how it's circulation
>>>>>>compares with what the QQ achieved? Does anyone know?
>>>>>
>>>>>Never heard of it. What's in it?
>>>>
>>>>The latest issue has a "Willy Wants Your Wallet" bumpersticker,
>>>>a 'lie-o-meter', a Hillary led coup story, and various Clinton jokes.
>>>>
>>>I guess that exaplains why I never heard of it. It has the same paraniod
>>>ranting that you can find in a.f.r-l.
>>
>>I suppose you laughed at the Quayle Quarterly?
>>But I get it. When it bashes someone you don't like, it's ok.
>>When it bashes someone you like, it's paranoid ranting.
>>
>BZZZZZT! Thanks for playing. The Quayle Quarterly was composed of
>quotes BY DANOE HIMSELF, and things that the DANSTER DID HIMSELF.
>The Slick Times, by your own words, is a fictional account of the
>WIFE of Bill, a bumpersticker gimmick, a graphics gimmick, and some
>jokes that have "Slick" inserted where polack was (and yes, I have read
>the jokes, and that's exactly what they are).
> When you have to resort to gimmicks and jokes then your material
>is weak. When you have paraniod fantasies about his wife, then you are
>reaching.
And thank you for playing!!
I heard a whole lot of Quayle jokes that were old, old ethnic jokes
and the like. I also heard paranoid fantasies about Marilyn. There
were also tons of "quotes" which appear to have been fabricated or
begun as jokes. There was a lot of humor out there that did not
involve what Quayle actually said. If you laughed, even a small chuckle, at
any of it then quit complaining about the Clinton jokes. (And yes, I
laughed at Quayle quotes and jokes.)
Anyway, I never said Slick Times was the best source of Clinton humor.
That source is my newspaper and television as I watch Bill stumble through
life and the presidency. (It's so much fun to watch a little boy with a new toy!!)
He isn't doing so bad on foot-in-mouth-syndrome himself and his temper tantrums are fun.
(And Gore made a pre-election statement about a leopard changing its *stripes*.....)
>
>>Something comes to mind 'what's good for the goose....'
>>
>..is good for the Quayle.
And is good for Clinton. Everyone can dish it out, but you sure
can't take it when it comes to criticism of Clinton.
gar...@ingres.com
>In article <1993May28....@pony.Ingres.COM> gar...@Ingres.COM writes:
>>From: gar...@Ingres.COM
>>Subject: Re: Tired of conservative religious zealots
>>Summary:
>>Keywords:
>>Date: 28 May 93 19:57:53 GMT
>>In article <1993May28....@gtech.com>, a...@gtech.com (Aleksey Y. Romano writes...
>>>In article <platbr.54...@saturn.wwc.edu> pla...@saturn.wwc.edu (Brian Nelson Platt) writes:
>>>>
>>>> o Bill Clinton has no character
>>>> o He "has trouble with the truth" (he lies)
>>>> o He has no ability to lead this nation (WATCH)
>>>>
>>>> The biggest pity here is that they American people are stuck with this
>>>>butt-head for another 3 1/2 years... and they are going to feel it in their
>>>>wallets!
>>>>
>>>The good side of this thing is there will be a whole 3 1/2 years of
>>>fun seeing a Democrat in WH. IMHO, We will never have this fun again in
>>>our life.
>>>
>>This is from the same crew that is predicting that Clinton will be the
>>next Hitler, the anti-christ, the next Jimmy Carter, and whatever other
>>puerile fear they can attach to him. What they fail to see is that their
>>REAL fear is that he will succeed.
>
> Pull your head out, GARRETT. Where do you get this crap?
I guess countless posts from conservatives suggesting as much, wouldn't
qualify? I "pulled them out" of your conservative buddies' posts. Unfortunantly,
I think that's where their head was.
> Usually it
>is the Liberals who are pointing all the fingers and making accusations
>about "name calling."
>
I recently had a argument in which the number of names that some puerile
conservatives called me filled two screens (most of them four letter words.
And no, I didn't call any names. Nor will I here).
> You no NOTHING about me or Mr. Romano, yet you bring out all kinds of
^^
Proof that this is posted by a conservative.
>accusations which are completely without any base or support.
I guess you didn't bother to read your own post. I once posted a question
to alt.fan.rush-limbaugh asking why you conservatives hate Hillary so much.
Not a single conservative responded. Only one liberal, who said "They're afraid
of a successfull woman." Makes sense to me.
> It is fools
>like yourself who voted for Mr. Clinton. It is fools like you who, at every
>point of truth, branded those bringing the truth as: "The same crew that is
>predicting that Clinton will be the next Hitler, the anti-christ, the next
>Jimmy Carter,..."
>
"Branded those bringing the truth?" This reveals much: Only conservatives
speak the truth. Only conservatives have the power to predict the future.
That would make Rush a prophet. <GAG!>
"at every point of truth?" You make wild assumptions based on your biasness,
and you have the nerve to claim that they are the truth.
> You, Mr. Johnson, are blind and stupid (this is not a baseless claim,
>you have shown your stupidity through the previous post.).
And you have shown it in this post. I guess that makes us even.
> Please refrain
>from grouping me into some "CREW" into which you think I fit. Obviously, my
>claims about Mr. Clintons inability to lead this nation were correct (just
>ask 74% of the nation).
Opinion polls after 4 months reveal the TRUTH! What great rationalizing.
>
> Mr. Clinton also lacks the ability to lead this nation: in war, in
>economics, in anything (except chicken farming and hoedowns).
And you garnered all this from an opinion poll? I really must see this
opinion poll.
> Mr. Clinton
>is a chicken-shit, fully exhibited by his fear of going to Vietnam;
Fear of dying and reluctance to killing civilians==being a chicken-shit.
If that's the case then count me in as being CHICKEN SHIT! I am the biggest
chicken-shit, cowardly fool that you will ever find. I say it with PRIDE!
Flame away. Flame me for not wanting to be killed by, or kill, civilians
in a foreign land that never did anything to my country or person. I AM
CHICKEN-SHIT!
And you, sir, are a very, very sick person who should seek help.
> he
>cannot ever call up the draft or send this country to war because of his own
>image.
Since when does image have anything to do with war? Your point gets thinner
and thinner. Personally, I hope he doesn't call anyone out. FOR A CHANGE.
> He has little/no experience leading anything near as large as the U.
>S.
And what first time president ever did? This point is laughable.
> So he led a little hick-town government of a small state in decline,
I guess it doesn't hurt to make up history. Just throw them out. We'll kick
them back.
>that doesn't qualify him for anything. Mr. Clinton was elected on lies, and
>he will go out of his presidency in 4 years... in the wake of his lies.
>
Considering the enormous amount of lies from the last two presidents, I doubt
that Clinton can match up. BTW, more predictions based on the "truth".
Sunil Gupta
> In a previous thread, several a.f.d-q'ers argued that _merely_
> achieving the position of President was not enough to warrant respect;
> the person had to _earn_ it. I wonder if any of them currently
> respect Clinton (and if so, on what basis, pray tell?).
Does not the above statement evince your adoption of said principle,
or are you merely employing situational ethics?
> As for being "Mr. Sunny Side of the Street" I confess to being an
> optimist. If at least one side of the street is sunny, then that's
> the side I'll walk; if neither side is sunny, I'll carry an umbrella
> and bemoan my fate just like everyone else. But I won't expect anyone
> else to provide me with an umbrella, much less carry one over me.
One is tempted to suggest that your crossing the street is due more to
the desire to avoid the homeless people on one side rather than any
perceived sunlight on the other.
> One final observation: because this is an _alt_ newsgroup (as one
> a.f.d-q'er reminded me not too long ago), no one seems compelled to be
> logical, rational, focused, or consistent. Why should _I_ be? :)
And indeed noone would feel compelled to apply those labels to you
after reading your post. Well, I guess you've answered the first
question.
- Sunil
Phil Miller
: It is fools
: like yourself who voted for Mr. Clinton. It is fools like you who, at every
: point of truth, branded those bringing the truth as: "The same crew that is
: predicting that Clinton will be the next Hitler, the anti-christ, the next
: Jimmy Carter,..."
I think he's the next Rufus T Firefly.
: Obviously, my
: claims about Mr. Clintons inability to lead this nation were correct (just
: ask 74% of the nation).
Well, what does 74% of the nation know? They've been letting "BIG TIME"
government lead them, and watching on BIG SCREEN tvs their lives unfold.
: Mr. Clinton also lacks the ability to lead this nation: in war, in
: economics, in anything (except chicken farming and hoedowns). Mr. Clinton
Q: What is the differnce between hoedowns and hootenannies?
A: I don't know, but Webster defines civilization as a group of
people who despises hoedowns and hootenannies.
: is a chicken-shit, fully exhibited by his fear of going to Vietnam; he
: cannot ever call up the draft or send this country to war because of his own
But I bet he can draw a MIGHTY draft of beer at a hoedown!
: image. He has little/no experience leading anything near as large as the U.
: S. So he led a little hick-town government of a small state in decline,
Do they know about all this down in Arkansas?
: that doesn't qualify him for anything. Mr. Clinton was elected on lies, and
: he will go out of his presidency in 4 years... in the wake of his lies.
And then we can all do it again. Ah shucks, aint this fun?
gar...@ingres.com
Please share them. I haven't heard them.
> There
>were also tons of "quotes" which appear to have been fabricated or
>begun as jokes.
Curious. The only one I heard was the one about Quayle wanting to speak
Latin in Latin America. But that was cleared up over a year ago in a.f.d-q.
Do you know of others? Please post your information.
> There was a lot of humor out there that did not
>involve what Quayle actually said. If you laughed, even a small chuckle, at
>any of it then quit complaining about the Clinton jokes. (And yes, I
>laughed at Quayle quotes and jokes.)
I never heard it, unless you are including some of the stuff posted here
in a.f.d-q for the benifit of other Danoe fans, or Doonsbury cartoons
and Letterman top ten lists.
There's just SO MUCH of what Danoe said that was funny, that we haven't had
to make up much.
>
>Anyway, I never said Slick Times was the best source of Clinton humor.
>That source is my newspaper and television as I watch Bill stumble through
>life and the presidency. (It's so much fun to watch a little boy with a new toy!!)
>He isn't doing so bad on foot-in-mouth-syndrome himself and his temper tantrums are fun.
>(And Gore made a pre-election statement about a leopard changing its *stripes*.....)
>
Outside of the Gore quote (that was pretty funny), your humor seems to
be a bit on the bland side. I never thought Bush's stumbling through the
Iraqgate thing, and the S&L mess was a bit funny. And Clinton hasn't
messed up NEARLY as bad as that.
>>
>>>Something comes to mind 'what's good for the goose....'
>>>
>>..is good for the Quayle.
>
>And is good for Clinton. Everyone can dish it out, but you sure
>can't take it when it comes to criticism of Clinton.
>
Now I see where you are getting confused.
Criticism was never meant to be funny. Jokes are. When someone says something
silly, then you are supposed to laugh. When someone has trouble getting a
bill through Congress, then you are supposed to criticise, not laugh.
BTW, I do more criticism of Clinton than most people you meet.
It's just a different kind of criticism. Yours is strictly partisan, and
doesn't require facts.
Jason Christian
Sorry, Julie, I'm humor-impaired. I don't think that haircuts-on-the-
LAX runway are funny. Tell me a joke about it, and maybe I'll laugh. I
don't think Waco was particulary funny either. Do I applaud everything
that Clinton has done or hasn't done? Absolutely not. There are any
number of things that I have more-or-less profound objections to. And I
hate it when we as a country fail at well-meaning policy initiatives.
But, ``what a terrible thing it is to lose one's mind,'' now that is
funny. Al Gore getting lost in the woods with his secret-service escort
is also funny, especially if you like secret-service jokes.
But you're making a different claim. You say I'm a hypocrite because I
choose to laugh at funny combinations of words, and not at the failings
of a democratic administration.
By the way, Julie, a little belated Memorial Day joke for you. Did you hear the
one about the President who was going to be remembered by history for
signing the Civil Rights Act? He fell into a quagmire. Ha Ha Ha. Boy,
that was funny.
Bob Smart
ju...@eddie.jpl.nasa.gov (Julie Kangas) writes:
> In article <1993May28.2...@pony.Ingres.COM> gar...@Ingres.COM
writes:
> >>But I get it. When it bashes someone you don't like, it's ok.
> >>When it bashes someone you like, it's paranoid ranting.
The issue here is not whether the ranting (if ranting there was) was
paranoid, but whether the ranting was AMUSING.
> I heard a whole lot of Quayle jokes that were old, old ethnic jokes
> and the like.
Not in the Quayle Quarterly, and not in the Quayle Quotes file, you didn't.
> I also heard paranoid fantasies about Marilyn.
Like what? Were they at all similar to any of the paranoid fantasies
that seem to be springing up around Hillary? Perhaps we need a category
for the wives, but what does that have to do with the Quayle Quotes
proper or the fairness of treatment that Dannie has received?
> There were also tons of "quotes" which appear to have been fabricated or
> begun as jokes.
The only such fabrication that ever received wide distribution was the
one about brushing up on his Latin so he could communicate in Latin
America. That one was unmasked as fiction right here on a.f.d-q, in
fact, and it does not appear in the Quayle Quotes. In any case, one
such non-quote hardly qualifies as "tons." Micrograms, maybe.
> There was a lot of humor out there that did not involve what Quayle actually
> said.
True enough; some of it also dealt with what he actually did. That's
fair game, isn't it? If not, why not? Is it OK for a VP of the US to
act the fool, provided he keeps his mouth shut? And, as with the "tons
of 'quotes,'" how much of this "lot of humor" appeared in the QQ or the
QQ? How much of it did you hear from the twelve-year-old down the street?
> If you laughed, even a small chuckle, at any of it then quit
complaining about
> the Clinton jokes.
You still don't get it, do you? There's nothing wrong with laughing and
pointing when Clinton does something stupid and embarrassing--and it's
all the more fun when he does it and doesn't even realize what a foolish
thing it was. It's just not funny or creative to insert "Clinton" or
"Democrat" into shopworn ethnic jokes when you can't find an actual
Clinton gaffe to use. The objection to most of the Clinton "humor" I've
seen from the RRWTN isn't that it's anti-Clinton, it's that it's just
too stupid and obvious to be funny.
Sheesh, and these people say LIBERALS lack a sense of humor!
Don't give up hope. I know he got off to a slow start, but I think he's
starting to panic now. That was always a promising sign for Dannie, so
maybe we'll see some vintage Clinton flailing over the coming weeks and months.
> (And yes, I laughed at the Quayle jokes.)
Then what, exactly, are you complaining about now? That our guy isn't
as funny as your guy, and so we're not reciprocating properly for all
the amusement your guy gave the country during the last four years? I'm
sorry, too, but you'll have to give us time to locate our best buffoons
before we can hope to hold up our end of the exchange. (Maybe that's
what they're grooming Stephanopoulis for, even as we speak?)
> (And Gore made a pre-election statement about a leopard changing its
> *stripes*.....)
Yes, that one should be included in a GoreFile, somewhere.
Unfortunately, it'll probably be lonely...so far, the only Goreisms I've
heard about are:
1. This one (about striped leopards)
2. The one about not being able to recognize busts of famous figures
at Monticello
3. The incident where the Gore entourage allegedly got lost in the
woods
Wow, what a goofball, we've got three whole items. Move over, Dannie!
William C. Barwell
> In article <platbr.63...@saturn.wwc.edu> pla...@saturn.wwc.edu (Brian
> =
> = Mr. Clinton also lacks the ability to lead this nation: in war, in
> = economics, in anything (except chicken farming and hoedowns). Mr. Clinton
> = is a chicken-shit, fully exhibited by his fear of going to Vietnam; he
> = cannot ever call up the draft or send this country to war because of his ow
> = image. He has little/no experience leading anything near as large as the U
> = S. So he led a little hick-town government of a small state in decline,
> = that doesn't qualify him for anything. Mr. Clinton was elected on lies, an
> = he will go out of his presidency in 4 years... in the wake of his lies.
> =
> = BNP
>
> Were you of service age during 'Nam? Did you face the draft
> then? It is easy to judge a situation without having had to
> face it yourself, I guess.
>
> Few positions in goverment are near the same size or complexity
> as the Fed, so what's your point? You think that being the chief
> executive of, say, Ohio is in the same league as President or
> significantly different than the same position in Arkansas, Vermont,
> or some other "small" state?
>
> As far as characterizing Arkansas with pejorative phrases such as
> "hick-town government of a small state in decline", allow me to
> express myself in terms even a sophomoric shit-for-brain such as
> yourself can understand:
>
> Fuck You.
Look at what the major states gave us, say California.
Nixon and Reagan. Reagan took a major state in good condition, ran up
huge debts, 6 times what he started with, and turned right around and did
the same thing with a whole country. The Slide we are in now started
under Nixon, got worse under Ford, got slammed in Carter's era, dragged
along under reagan, went to hell under Bush and is now a near basket
case. Whoopie. California Uber Alles.
Pope Charles Never, ever vote for a presidental candidate from
California. Ever.
--
po...@unkaphaed.jpunix.com (William C. Barwell)
Unka Phaed's UUCP Thingy, Houston, TX, (713) 481-3763
1200/2400/9600/14400 v.32bis/v.42bis
Teemu Leisti
> Everyone can dish it out, but you sure
> can't take it when it comes to criticism of Clinton.
But Julie, please do post all the funny Clinton and Gore jokes you've
heard, plus true tales of their mishaps, on this newsgroup. After all,
a.f.d-q has plenty of room for discussion of other silly politicians now
that the, shall we say gold-standard, of all silly politicians has
exited center stage. Feel free to add your own commentary.
Pay no heed to all your detractors; just post the jokes, and if they're
funny, we'll get some enjoyment from your postings.
Do you have Finnish ancestry, by the way?
-- Teemu Leisti / U. of Helsinki, Finland / lei...@cc.helsinki.fi
"It has been said by some cynic, maybe it was a former president, 'If
you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.' We took them literally --
that advice -- as you know. But I didn't need that, because I have
Barbara Bush."
-- George Bush, 30 March 1989.
Herbert Rutledge
|> Look at what the major states gave us, say California.
|> Nixon and Reagan. Reagan took a major state in good condition, ran up
|> huge debts, 6 times what he started with, and turned right around and did
|> the same thing with a whole country. The Slide we are in now started
|> under Nixon, got worse under Ford, got slammed in Carter's era, dragged
|> along under reagan, went to hell under Bush and is now a near basket
|> case. Whoopie. California Uber Alles.
|>
|> Pope Charles Never, ever vote for a presidental candidate from
|> California. Ever.
Don't forget Herbert Hoover. And Our Idol, Former Vice President Dan
Quayle, by his own measure, is almost a Californian ("I love California;
I practically grew up in Phoenix.").
--
_________________________________________________________________________
| | |
| Herbert Rutledge, aka Train | |
| Paramax Systems Corporation | "To post is human; to flame, divine." |
| Valley Forge Labs, M/S GVL-3 | |
| P.O. Box 517, Paoli, PA 19301 | ---Alexander Pope |
| Internet: tr...@vfl.paramax.com | |
|_________________________________|_______________________________________|
Mike Rainwater
pat walsh
> In a previous thread, several a.f.d-q'ers argued that _merely_
> achieving the position of President was not enough to warrant respect;
> the person had to _earn_ it. I wonder if any of them currently
> respect Clinton (and if so, on what basis, pray tell?).
Okay, I'll take this one head-on. Yes, I respect Clinton. Note that to
respect an individual is not the same as to endorse his or her every action;
I cringe at some of his mistakes and I make no excuses for his occasional
liberal (lowercase-l liberal, that is) interpretations of the truth. But
I respect Mr. Clinton, as opposed to his two immediate predecessors, on what
I consider the most important basis for judging any President: his
fulfillment of his oath of office. Let's examine that oath (I'm quoting it
from memory, so someone please correct me if I'm off by a word or two):
I, <name>, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of
the President of the United States...
Okay, what about this part? Well, it's pretty much open to the reader's own
interpretations and prejudices. I think it would be extremely difficult to
establish beyond the shadow of a doubt that any President had violated this
part of his oath. So I'm going to give Reagan, Bush, and Clinton the benefit
of the doubt here. Now what about the rest?
...and will to the best of my ability preserve, protect, and defend the
Constitution of the United States.
Here's where we run into trouble. I cannot respect either of Mr. Clinton's
immediate predecessors because I feel they both violated this part of the
oath of office: Mr. Reagan with Iran/Contra and the War on Drugs, and Mr.
Bush with Iran/Contra, the WoD and his never-met-a-constitutional-amendment-
I-didn't-like approach to politics and governing. Mr. Clinton, by contrast,
seems to be taking some steps to wind down the WoD, and to date he hasn't
given me reason to feel the Constitution is in danger in his hands. This
was not the case with RR or GHWB.
So, back to the short answer: yes, I do respect Mr. Clinton.
- Patrick Walsh
University of Virginia Department of Physics
p...@virginia.bitnet, p...@virginia.edu, p...@gomez.phys.virginia.edu
Julie Kangas
>In article <1993Jun1.1...@llyene.jpl.nasa.gov>, ju...@eddie.jpl.nasa.gov (Julie writes...
>>>>
>>>..is good for the Quayle.
>>
>>And is good for Clinton. Everyone can dish it out, but you sure
>>can't take it when it comes to criticism of Clinton.
>>
>Now I see where you are getting confused.
>Criticism was never meant to be funny. Jokes are. When someone says something
>silly, then you are supposed to laugh. When someone has trouble getting a
>bill through Congress, then you are supposed to criticise, not laugh.
> BTW, I do more criticism of Clinton than most people you meet.
>It's just a different kind of criticism. Yours is strictly partisan, and
>doesn't require facts.
This is rich. Do you think your criticism is "better" since you're
a Democrat and mine is "worse" since I'm a Republican? And mine doesn't
require facts? Believe it or not, there are Republicans out there who
want the best for the country, want a good president, and want the
gridlock to end. We just don't think Clinton as a person -- not
as a "Democrat" -- can do that. I know it's hard to take -- but
you're just going to have to cope.
BTW, some of the most successful forms of criticism are the humorous
ones.
Julie Kangas
>Sorry, Julie, I'm humor-impaired. I don't think that haircuts-on-the-
>LAX runway are funny. Tell me a joke about it, and maybe I'll laugh. I
>don't think Waco was particulary funny either. Do I applaud everything
>that Clinton has done or hasn't done? Absolutely not. There are any
>number of things that I have more-or-less profound objections to. And I
>hate it when we as a country fail at well-meaning policy initiatives.
Ever hear of laughing so you don't cry? Excellent coping mechanism.
>But you're making a different claim. You say I'm a hypocrite because I
>choose to laugh at funny combinations of words, and not at the failings
>of a democratic administration.
No. I'm tired of people lumping anyone who laughs at Clinton or Clinton
jokes into "ranting paranoid conservative right wing zealots..." or
whatever the current term is.
Julie Kangas
>In article <1993Jun1.1...@llyene.jpl.nasa.gov>
>ju...@eddie.jpl.nasa.gov (Julie Kangas) writes:
>
>> Everyone can dish it out, but you sure
>> can't take it when it comes to criticism of Clinton.
>
>But Julie, please do post all the funny Clinton and Gore jokes you've
>heard, plus true tales of their mishaps, on this newsgroup. After all,
>a.f.d-q has plenty of room for discussion of other silly politicians now
>that the, shall we say gold-standard, of all silly politicians has
>exited center stage. Feel free to add your own commentary.
>
>Pay no heed to all your detractors; just post the jokes, and if they're
>funny, we'll get some enjoyment from your postings.
Ok. There's a large repository of Clinton jokes and other stuff on
ftp.cco.caltech.edu. I think instead of the jokes though, I'll post
the list of Clinton promises. They're funny (since most of them
have been broken.)
I do wish someone would start a list of humorous Clinton quotes. I've
seen several that need to be collected (one in Newsweek a few weeks ago
was almost incoherent.)
>
>Do you have Finnish ancestry, by the way?
Yes. My great grandparents were from Finland.
Julie Kangas
Apologies to the original poster, but I've lost the attributions.
___________________
This collection of lies, half-truths, deceptions and dubious quotes is
apparently from the May 1993 issue of Spy Magazine which has a front cover
with a picture of Clinton with an elongated nose and the title: "Clinton's
First 100 Lies." It sounds like it was written in mid-March, so it is
already a little out-of-date and incomplete.
==
Spy Magazine: CLINTON'S FIRST 100 LIES
======================================
1. "I want to have a team established that can hit the ground running."
2. "My first priority would be to pass a jobs program, to introduce it on
the first day I was inaugurated."
3. "The critical issues that America is crying out for leadership on:
jobs, the health-care crises, the need to control the economy...
I will deal with them from day one."
4. At the MTV Inaugural Ball he said, "Hillary and I have to go to eleven
balls tonight, but...Chelsea's going to stay."
5. In May 1992 he said he wouldn't support anything that "promoted the
homosexual life-style."
6. January 29, 1993: "This compromise [on the question of gays in the
military] is not everything I would have hoped for." In fact, the
"compromise" was almost exactly the plan he had discussed privately
with gay groups back in November.
7. Asked about getting bogged down the first week of his presidency on
gays in the military, he said, "I spent very little time on the issue
myself."
8. Twenty-five words later he added, "I was frankly appalled that we
spent so much time the first week talking about that instead of how
to get the economy going again."
9. "Reagan voted for Clinton," a top staff member told TV Guide. "I
have it on the highest authority."
10. Asked about his "willingness" to normalize relations with Iraq, Clinton
said, "Everybody who heard those conversations was astonished that such
a conclusion could have been drawn...Nobody asked me about normaliza-
tion." He had been asked about both "normal relations" and "normaliza-
tion."
11. "I don't like to use the word sacrifice." -- May 1992
"It will not be easy. It will require sacrifice." -- January 1993
12. "I will offer middle-income tax cuts. The average working family's
tax bill will go down about 10 percent." -- November 1991
13. "Middle-class taxpayers will have a choice between a children's
tax credit or a significant reduction in their income tax rate."
-- _Putting_People_First_
14. "I want to make it very clear that this middle-class tax cut, in my
view, is central to any attempt we're going to make to have a short-
term economic strategy." -- January 1992
15. "An America in which middle-class families' incomes -- not their taxes
are going up." -- July 1992
16. "I'm not going to raise taxes on the middle class" -- July 1992
17. "But I can tell you this. I'm not going to raise taxes on middle-
class Americans to pay for the programs I've recommended"
-- October 1992
18. Also in October, his energy coordinator ruled out an energy tax.
19. At the MTV Inaugural Ball: "Do my wife and daughter look great tonight
or what?"
20. He vowed to "oppose racial quotas."
21. He promised "no token appointments."
22. He decried "bean-counters" even as transition employees were
ethnically coding resumes for high-tech bean-counting.
23. Policy experts in Washington received calls from Clinton transition-
staff members wondering if they knew of any Asian American women
who might be interested in being in the Cabinet.
24. "{Bush} won't break the stranglehold special interests have on
our elections and lobbyists have on our government. I will."
25. "In short, Mr. {Ron} Brown has taken and will take all appropriate
actions to avoid even the appearance of conflict of interest"
-- George Stephanopoulos
26. Robert Rubin "is dealing very, very cautiously with his former
clients" -- Dee Dee Myers
27. "I will not hide behind the walls of the White House" -- September 1992
At press time, he had avoided a formal press conference longer than
any other modern president.
28. "I invested in the future of our people and balanced the state
budget with honesty and fairness and without gimmicks."
29. "Thank goodness the networks have a fact check so I don't have to go
blue in the face anymore. Mr. Bush said once again I was going to
have a $150 billion tax increase." He proposed a $207 billion tax
increase.
30. "...And we have $140 billion in spending cuts." He proposed $117
billion in [dubious] spending cuts, maybe.
31. He counted a rise in the taxes on Social Security as a spending cut.
32. Two days after presenting his plan, he said it was basically 50-50,
spending cuts and revenue increases, the first four years."
33. "We also provide over $100 billion in tax relief, in terms of incentives
for new plants, new small businesses, new technologies, new housing"
-- October 1992. His plan actually contains $16 billion in tax relief.
34. "I call on Congress to enact an immediate jobs package of over $30
billion" -- February 1993. The plan contains $15 billion in direct
investment.
35. "An America in which the rich are not soaked..." On top of his "top"
rate, people making more than $250,000 also pay what he once called
a millionaire's surtax.
36. "For the wealthiest -- those earning more than $180,000 per year..."
-- February 1993. By $180,000 per year, he meant couples with combined
incomes of $140,000 per year and individuals with taxable incomes
of $115,000.
37. "I want to emphasize the facts about this plan -- 98.8 percent of
America's families will have no increase in their income tax rates,
only 1.2 percent at the top."
38. He vowed to crack down on "those who see the tax code as a table
game to be won," but his plan leaves the top capital-gains-tax
rate at 28 percent, once again creating tax shelter incentives.
39. "I'm going to tell you, in very plain language, what I plan to do
as president."
40. "We don't need to tamper with Social Security... We're not going to
fool with Social Security" -- September 1992
CLINTON CONSIDERS CURB ON SOCIAL SECURITY COST-OF-LIVING RAISES
-- Washington Post, January 29, 1993
41. When Clinton's people said his program would add 500,000 jobs in 1993
and '94, they only counted jobs that might be created by his program
and did not subtract jobs that might be lost from increased taxes.
42. "We don't believe this will cost jobs," Stephanopoulos explained.
The previous October his boss had said, "You could raise taxes a lot
and try to balance the budget. You just make the unemployment problem
worse."
43. He says he wears a 45-Long, but he really wears a 46-Regular.
44. After pledging to cut the deficit in half within four years, he now
says it's "impossible."
45. "I have to be honest with you: The debt is $50 billion a year bigger
than we were told it was before the election." He said the fact that
the deficit was $346 billion was an "unsettling revelation." But
the previous July he had said, "The projected deficit is up to $400
billion."
46. The day he presented his economic plan, his people touted its
$493 billion in "deficit reduction" through 1997. The correct figure
was $325 billion.
47. His deficit projections do not include the cost of the savings-and-
loan bailout, which could add $25 billion to both fiscal 1993 and
'94.
48. "America has always transcended the hopes and dreams of every other
nation on Earth."
49. In July 1992, when a New York federal-appeals court found Bush's
policy if returning Haitian refugees has violated the Refugee Act,
Clinton called it "the correct decision." In March 1993, he went
to court to argue that his policy of returning Haitian refugees did
not violate the Refugee Act.
50. Asked what he'd eaten during a campaign stop at Wendy's, he said
he'd ordered grilled chicken and a Diet Coke. He later confessed,
"I also had a small cup of chili. I usually get a large."
51. "I'm trying, I'm really working on this" -- on his diet. "Offered
a choice of lamb, beef or chicken as an an entree, he took all three,
plus fish chowder, brocolli, salad, bread, and two scoops of apple
souffle" -- The New Republic, March 15, 1993
52. Throughout the campaign, he attacked Paul Tsongas's proposals for an
energy tax, a cut in entitlements and a middle-class tax increase.
53. "I want people like some of you in this audience to be part of a Clinton
administration, not because or in spite of your sexual orientation, but
because America needs you" -- May 1992. "According to administration
sources, the White House satisfied itself that [Janet] Reno was not gay
before going ahead with the nomination" -- Nina Totenberg, March 1993
54. Asked what role Hillary played in his selection of Reno, he said,
"None."
55. "Our plan seeks to attack subsidies that actually reward companies more
for shuttling their operations down here and moving them overseas."
The plan actually rewards companies that do research and development
here for their plants overseas.
56. "Large, highly profitable companies will have to pay a greater portion
of their net earnings in taxes." Larger depreciation write-offs mean
many companies will have lower -- and sometimes nonexistent -- net
earning to tax.
57. "We need not just a new generation of leadership but a new gender of
leadership." After appointing Dee Dee Myers as the first female press
secretary, he took away most of her responsibilities and her office
and gave them to a man.
58. "I cut the federal bureacracy by 100,000 positions." Many of the
"positions" he cut had not no working in them.
59. "The time has come to show the American people...that we can not only
start things, but we can actually stop things."
60. "We are slashing subsidies." In the first year of his plan, farm
subsidies will actually double.
61. After saying wool and mohair subsidies were World War I anachronisms,
he cut the program by 6 percent.
62. "I have already heard some people on the other side of the aisle say,
'He should have cut more.' I say, 'Show me where, and be specific --
not hot air. Show me where.'" On March 10 the House Budget Committee's
Republican members presented an 80-page program that would cut the
deficit by $429 billion over five years without raising taxes. They
were matter-of-factly voted down.
63. Presented with a two-foot pen symbolizing the presidential line-item
veto, he told Republican senators, "I surely look foreward to using
this."
64. "I cut the White House staff by 25 percent." He achieved this by
defining *staff* to exclude hundreds of military communications
personnel at the White House, as well as the Trade Representative's
Office and the Office of Management and Budget.
65. He went to court in March and argued that his wife was "the functional
equivalent of a federal employee." Three days earlier, Hillary had
told reporters questioning her quasi-federal-employee position, "I
kind of view myself in some ways as a citizen representative."
66. "Every day I still get up and I feel a lot of gratitude just for
having the chance to serve."
67. He promised, "The old adage 'Mi casa, su casa' will be true when my
house is the White House," then banned smoking.
68. About his plan to close many military bases throughout the country,
he said, "This isn't downsizing for its own sake. This is right-sizing
for security's sake.
69. On why he visited the aircraft carrier Theodore Roosevelt the day he
unveiled his military-base-closings plan: "I need to be here because
I'm commander in chief."
70. "I never broke the laws of my countries."
71. "If I become president, I will have a Cabinet that looks like America"
-- July 1992. Thirteen of his Cabinet's 18 members are lawyers, and
more than three quarters are millionaires.
72. "I want to appoint one person, one man or woman, to oversee and
coordinate all federal efforts [related to AIDS]." At press time,
he had not gotten around to it.
73. "I don't...believe they had a discussion about it, no" -- Stephanopoulos
on Zoe Baird's illegal nanny. "It was fully disclosed. He considered
it and did not think it was a problem" -- Myers a week later.
74. Asked whether Clinton was preparing to withdraw Baird's nomination on
January 21, Stephanopoulos replied, "Not at this point...Right now, Zoe
Baird is his nominee." About 13 hours later, Baird withdrew.
75. "I decided to run for president in 1991 because...I was afraid that the
American dream was in danger."
76. "It's not our policy to leak stories about potential nominees"
-- Stephanopoulos, denying that the White House had told reporters
that Kimba Wood would be the next attorney general nominee.
77. At different times, the White House explained that Wood was rejected
because talk shows wouldn't differentiate between Wood and Zoe Baird,
because she was "not forthcoming" and, finally, because despite having
obeyed all applicable laws, she had to meet "a special standard."
78. "It was never the administration's position that that was an issue,
and it's unfortunate that that ever was out there" -- Myers, asked if
the information that Wood had begun training to be a Playboy bunny was
leaked by someone inside the administration.
79. The White House also leaked inaccurate stories suggesting that Wood's
husband, Michael Kramer, had lobbied for Wood under the pretext of
interviewing Clinton for Time.
80. Asked about his new personal no-junk-food policy, he clarified, "I
don't necessarily consider McDonald's junk food."
81. After work on a $30,000 track behind the White House was temporarily
halted, the White House said it was waiting until enough money could
be raised to pay for it. Joe diGeronimo, president of the Massachusetts
company building the track, said they stopped working because "it was
cold."
82. After urging Bush to get involved in Bosnia throughout the campaign,
Clinton announced in February, "I do not believe that the military of
the United States should get involved unilaterally there now."
83. "It would be a great mistake to read this... as some initial foray
toward a wider military role" -- on the Bosnia food drop, early March.
84. Calling to thank En Vogue for agreeing to back up his brother, Roger,
he told the group he would come by the party and accompany Roger on the
sax when they sang "Rock Me, Baby."
85. He said through a spokeswoman, "The schools in the District of Columbia
and across the country are good schools."
86. "He doesn't dye his hair," according to a spokeswoman.
87. Asked why Hillary Clinton would get a West Wing officem a spokeswoman
said, "Because the president wanted her to be there."
88. "Mrs. Clinton was Hillary Rodham Clinton all through the campaign
and the transition" -- Hillary Rodham Clinton's press secretary.
89. In January he said, "I'll miss going down to the Y in the morning,
my blue-collar gymm where there's nobody in bright Spandex outfits."
90. He said, "It is time for us to realize that there is not a government
program for every problem."
91. "I'm working on funding it just as close to what I recommended during
the campaign, about putting people as first as possible" -- on his
national service program, February 1993.
92. "Our national service plan will throw open the doors of college
opportunity to the daughters and sons of the middle class," he said,
while proposing a program that would create 20,000 jobs in its
first year, 100,000 after three years. When the full details of the
plan were unveiled a week later, it turned out that a summer pilot
project is open to only 1,000 to 2,000 students.
93. "We're going to have no sacred cows except the fundamental abiding
interest of the American people." And except the Supercollider and
several other projects in Lloyd Bentsen's home state.
94. Responding to reports that Clinton is a "closet cigar smoker," an
aide insisted, "He's not a cigar smoker. He chews on them."
95. "[Bush] won't take on the big insurance companies...I will."
Managed competition, his preferred health-reform plan, helps big
insurance companies.
96. He criticized Bush and Reagan for appointing political cronies as
ambassadors but then appointed Jean Kennedy Smith as ambassador to
Ireland. At press time, Democratic doyenne Pamela Harriman was his
likely choice for ambassador to France, and Swanee Hunt, daughter of
H.L. Hunt and the Democratic Party's second largest contributor, was
reported to be the front runner for ambassador to Italy.
97. Asked last June whom he would put on the Supreme Court, he said, "I
think Governor [Mario] Cuomo would make a good Supreme Court Justice."
98. "If we do right by this country, I don't care who gets credit for it."
99. "If Thomas Jefferson were alive today, I would appoint him Secretary of
State. And then I would suggest to Senator Gore that two of us resign
so he could become president."
100. "I want one of those great 100 days in which Congress would adopt my
healthcare and educational policies, my energy and economic initiatives,
and where the private sector would become engaged in a whole new
partnership to make this country great again."
Julie Kangas
I've been asked to post some Clinton jokes -- I think the best
ones are his broken promises or waffles, but here are some real
jokes. Now, I know I'll get flack from people saying 'that's
not funny!' or 'that's stupid' but that's the nature of the
business. Jokes are interchangeable and some of the best
Clinton jokes are the ones that are old but changed slightly to
fit the situation. I heard many Quayle jokes where Quayle took
the part of the idiot, country bumpkin, ethnic group, etc.
(My favorite: Quayle gets in a taxi and the driver doesn't
recognize him. Driver says "Hey, wanna hear the latest Quayle
joke?" Quayle becomes idignant and says "I'm Dan Quayle!"
Driver says "Ok, then I'll go real slow..")
(Note: some of these come from Nathan Mates, nat...@cco.caltech.edu.
He maintains a Clinton joke list (some good/some bad) at ftp.cco.caltech.edu)
Here's one in the nature of what I think Clinton will do to the country:
First Hillary
Then Gennifer
Now US.
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was
jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about
them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
Here's one I saw first from Russia (Communists/democrats though,
and kittens instead of puppies):
Hillary is being driven around Washington D.C. and spots
a little boy sitting in a park with a wagon. She thinks,
'this is a great press opportunity' so she has her driver
pull over. She gets out to talk to the little boy and
discovers that he has 6 little puppies in the wagon.
She comments on how nice they are and the little boy says
'thank you ma'm, they're Democrats!' Of course Hillary is
extremely pleased by this.
A few days later, Bill decides to take one of his jogs down
to McDonalds, which is close to the park, and Hillary mentions
that if he should see a little boy with a wagon he should
stop and talk to him. Well, Bill sees the little boy with
his wagon and puppies so he tells the little boy 'what nice
puppies those are!' The boy says, 'Thank you sir. They're
Republicans!' 'Wait a minute,' says Bill, 'Hillary told
me that they're Democrats.' The boy responds, 'Yes sir,
but now their eyes are open!'
Clinton is not a "tax and spend" Democrat, he is a "contribute and invest"
democrat.
In a NBC Evening News report on the homosexual march on washington
this weekend, one lady (Dee Mosbacher?) commented on the President's
unwillingness to march with the homosexuals.
"I think," she said, "if a million saxophone players showed up
outside the White House, he'd go out there and blow a few notes."
Maybe the group was just expecting too much..
On the 4/23/93 Tonight show, Jay Leno noted in his monologue that Clinton
had broken so many promises that he has actually run out of promises to
break! So he has asked his aids to bring him a list of all of Reagan's and
Bush's promises so he can start working on breaking their promises too!
(Leno has also recently stated that if an election can be recalled due
to a broken promise (ala Packwood) then Clinton is probably running from
the death penalty.)
From The Simpsons, April, 1993
<Bart> Didn't you think there was something wrong when you were
+getting checks for doing nothing?
<Grandpa> I thought it was because the Democrats were back in power.
During the campaign, Dan Quayle said that if his daughter got
pregnant, he'd let her decide whether or not to have an abortion.
Marilyn Quayle said that if her daughter got pregnant, she would
insist that she have the baby.
Bill Clinton said, "The woman's a liar. I was in Cleveland at
the time!"
And finally, one that's out of date, but this came through the
Oracle before the election:
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O thou still unravished groom of wisdom -
> O great one still and casual as birds -
> O nameless one above all -
> Please answer the question of this insignificant being:
>
> I've been invited to have tea with Bill and Hillary Clinton next week.
> What advice should I pass on to them from you?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Hoo boy. The Clinton administration will prove to be the most rocked by
} scandal of any administration ever. Please don't give them this whole
} list, but you may provide a hint of what is to come.
}
} Feb 19, 1993: President Clinton reveals that he once tried cocaine, but
} didn't snort too deeply.
}
} Mar 12, 1993: Hillary demands that "First Lady" become a full cabinet
} position.
}
} Jun 11, 1993: Republicans discover that not only did Clinton oppose
} American involvement in Vietnam, he actually fought for
} the Viet Cong.
}
} Sep 09, 1993: Clinton reveals that he once tried heroin, but he used a
} clean needle.
}
} Dec 02, 1993: Hillary demands that the First Lady be included in the
} succession, ahead of the Vice President.
}
} Apr 22, 1994: Republicans unveil that Ho Chi Minh was really Clinton in
} disguise.
}
} May 10, 1994: Clinton reveals that he once tried Communist propoganda,
} but he didn't understand it.
}
} Oct 11, 1994: The Hillary Coup: Mrs. Rodham-Clinton makes a failed
} attempt to take over the White House. President Clinton
} has her executed and replaces her with Gennifer Flowers.
}
} Jan 13, 1995: Republicans finally decrypt a 1991 coded telegram from
} Clinton to Saddam Hussein: "I'm with you all the way,
} buddy."
}
} Apr 01, 1995: Clinton reveals that he once tried murder, but he only
} stabbed once.
}
} Dec 07, 1995: Addressing a group of WWII vets, Clinton refers to,
} "those valiant and brave Japanese pilots who attacked
} Pearl Harbor." He later blames a slip of the tongue.
}
} Feb 02, 1996: Republicans unearth a private letter to a friend, in
} which Clinton refers to Adolf Hitler as, "My personal
} role model, who I will always admire and emulate."
}
} May 17, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried bestiality, but the
} animals involved were all vertebrates.
}
} Jun 11, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried necrophilia, but the
} body was fairly warm.
}
} Jun 13, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried arson, but the building
} he torched was of little value.
}
} Jun 16, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried rape, but she really
} enjoyed it.
}
} Jun 17, 1996: Clinton admits to mugging, pedophilia, kleptomania,
} Communism, racism, and once driving over the speed limit.
}
} Jun 20, 1996: Clinton denies ever trying LSD. Nobody believes him.
}
} Election Day, Clinton is re-elected in a landslide. The popular vote is
} 1996 243,975,237 to 2. Election fraud is suspected, but never
} proven.
}
} And believe me, it gets worse in his second through his sixteenth
} terms.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plane ticket out of the country.
------------------------------
Boy, I'm just waiting for the flames now!
:)
Ryan C Scharfy
>> =
>> = Mr. Clinton also lacks the ability to lead this nation: in war, in
>> = economics, in anything (except chicken farming and hoedowns). Mr. Clinton
>> = is a chicken-shit, fully exhibited by his fear of going to Vietnam; he
>> = cannot ever call up the draft or send this country to war because of his o
w
>> = image. He has little/no experience leading anything near as large as the
U
>> = S. So he led a little hick-town government of a small state in decline,
>> = that doesn't qualify him for anything. Mr. Clinton was elected on lies, a
n
>> = he will go out of his presidency in 4 years... in the wake of his lies.
>> =
>> = BNP
>>
>> Were you of service age during 'Nam? Did you face the draft
>> then? It is easy to judge a situation without having had to
>> face it yourself, I guess.
>>
>> Few positions in goverment are near the same size or complexity
>> as the Fed, so what's your point? You think that being the chief
>> executive of, say, Ohio is in the same league as President or
>> significantly different than the same position in Arkansas, Vermont,
>> or some other "small" state?
>>
>> As far as characterizing Arkansas with pejorative phrases such as
>> "hick-town government of a small state in decline", allow me to
>> express myself in terms even a sophomoric shit-for-brain such as
>> yourself can understand:
>>
>> Fuck You.
>
>
>Look at what the major states gave us, say California.
>Nixon and Reagan. Reagan took a major state in good condition, ran up
>huge debts, 6 times what he started with, and turned right around and did
>the same thing with a whole country.
Does anybody else know the exact figures for the California debt under Reagan?
I know that by 1973 or 4 the debt was balanced enough to give a tax rebate to
Californians, but that may be political and not economical.
> The Slide we are in now started
>under Nixon, got worse under Ford, got slammed in Carter's era, dragged
>along under reagan, went to hell under Bush and is now a near basket
>case. Whoopie. California Uber Alles.
Suckers.
--
Ryan C. Scharfy
Julie Kangas
Here's a file (when asked to present humor) that I found
concerning Clinton and the ephemeral middle class tax
cut^H^H^Hhike.
Thanks to e...@acpub.duke.edu (EMIL CHUCK) for the list. Hope
I'm not stepping on toes :)
People will forget this because they will allow themselves to forget.
This is what politicians count on when their reelection comes up. Why
do you think the gays in the military thing came up now, and why do you
think they're gonna wait six months before making a decision? In hope
that the people will forget and accept the "honesty" of the politician.
Frankly, I don't quite want to forget yet.
Credits VSG...@acad.drake.edu (Vince Goddard)
jme...@mitre.org (James W. Merritt)
bar...@cc.gatech.edu (James Barrett)
"I want to make it very clear that this middle-class tax cut, in my view, is
central to any attempt we're going to make to have a short-term economic
strategy and a long-term fairness strategy, which is part of getting this
country going again."
ABC News, Primary Debate, Manchester, 1/19/92
Clinton's first campaign advertisement, Jan 1992
"...I believe you deserve more than 30-second ads or vague promises.
That's why I've offered a comprehensive plan to get our economy moving
again...It starts with a tax cut for the middle class and asks the rich
to pay their fair share again."
---
Clinton's news conference 1/14/93
"From New Hampshire forward, for reasons that absolutely mystified me,
the press thought the most important issue in the race was the middle-
class tax cut. I never did meet any voter who thought that...We have
a structural deficit that is too high. The American people would think
I was foolish if I said I will not respond to changing circumstances."
"But to say that this middle class tax cut, ... is the center of anybody's
econom[ic] package, is wrong."
ABC News, Democratic Candidate's Debate, Dallas, 3/5/92
"I would emphasize to you that the press and my opponents always made more of
the middle-class tax cut than I did."
ABC "Good Morning America", 6/6/92
---
E Lansing MI debate:
Governor Clinton, in accordance with the draw, those
concerns about you are first: you are promising to create
jobs, reduce the deficit, reform the health care system,
rebuild the infrastructure, guarantee college education for
everyone who is qualified, among many other things, all with
financial pain only for the very rich. Some people are
having trouble apparently believing that is possible. Should
they have that concern?
GOVERNOR CLINTON: No. There are many people who believe
that the only way we can get this country turned around is
to tax the middle class more and punish them more, but the
truth is that middle-class Americans are basically the only
group of Americans who've been taxed more in the 1980s and
during the last 12 years, even though their incomes have
gone down. The wealthiest Americans have been taxed much
less, even though their incomes have gone up.
Middle-class people will have their fair share of
changing to do, and many challenges to face, including the
challenge of becoming constantly re-educated.
...
Raise some more money, spend the money on tax incentives
to have growth in the private sector, take the money from
the defense cuts and reinvest it in new transportation and
communications and environmental clean-up systems. This will
work.
...
LEHRER: Governor, the word "pain"--one of the other
leadership things that's put on you is that you don't speak
of pain, that you speak of all things--nobody's going to
really have to suffer under your plan. You've heard what Mr.
Perot has said. He's said it's got--to do the things that
you want to do, you can't do it by just taking the money
from the rich. That's what the president says as well.
How do you respond to that? They said the numbers don't
add up.
CLINTON: I disagree with both of them. For one
thing, let me just follow up here. I disagree with Mr. Perot
that the answer is to raise--put a 50-cent gas tax on the
middle class and raise more taxes on the middle class and
the working poor than on the wealthy.
...
And as far as what Mr. Bush says, he is the person who
raised taxes on the middle class after saying he wouldn't.
...
So my view is the middle class is the--they've been
suffering, Jim. Now, should people pay more for Medicare if
they can? Yes. Should they pay more for Social Security if
they get more out of it than they paid in, they're upper
income people? Yes. But look what's happened to the middle
class. Middle class Americans are working harder for less
money than they were making ten years ago and they're paying
higher taxes. The tax burden on them has not gone down. It
has gone up. I don't think the answer is to slow the economy
down more, drive unemployment up more and undermine the
health of the private sector. The answer is to invest and
grow this economy. That's what works in other countries and
that's what'll work here.
...
I think it's important to elect a president who is
committed to getting this economy going again, and who
realizes we have to abandon trickle-down economics and put
the American people first again, and who will send programs
to the Congress in the first hundred days to deal with the
critical issues that America is crying out for leadership
on--jobs, incomes, the health care crisis, the need to
control the economy. Those things deserve to be dealt with
from day one. I will deal with them from day 1. They will be
my first priority, not my election year concern.
...
Anybody else can run the middle class down and run the economy
in a ditch.
...
The mistake that was made was making the "read my lips" promise
in the first place just to get elected, knowing what the size
of the deficit was.
...
I think what he should have done is gone before the
American people on the front end and said listen, I made a
commitment and it was wrong. I made a mistake because I
couldn't have foreseen these circumstances and this is the
best deal we can work out at the time. He said it was in the
public interest at the time and most everybody who was
involved in it, I guess, thought it was. The real mistake
was the "read my lips" promise in the first place. You just
can't promise something like that just to get elected if you
know there's a good chance that circumstances may overtake
you.
...
So that's what I'll do as president. I don't think we've
got a person to waste and I think I owe the American people
a White House staff, a Cabinet and appointments that look
like America but that meet high standards of excellence, and
that's what I'll do.
...
ROOK: Governor Clinton, you said that you will raise
taxes on the rich, people with incomes of $200,000 a year or
higher. A lot of people are saying that you will have to go
lower than that, much lower. Will you make a pledge tonight
below which, an income level that you will not go below? I'm
looking for numbers, sir, not just a concept.
CLINTON: My plan--you can read my plan. My plan
says that we want to raise marginal incomes on family
incomes above $200,000 from 31 to 36 percent, that we want
to ask foreign corporations simply to pay the same
percentage of taxes on their income that American
corporations play (sic) in America, that we want to use that
money to provide over $100 billion in tax cuts for
investment in new plant and equipment, for small business,
for new technologies, and for middle class tax relief.
Now, I'll tell ya this. I will not raise taxes on the
middle class to pay for these programs. If the money does
not come in there to pay for these programs, we will cut
other government spending or we will slow down the phase-in
of the programs. I am not gonna raise taxes on the middle
class to pay for these programs.
Now furthermore, I am not gonna tell you "read my lips"
on anything because I cannot foresee what emergencies might
develop in this country. And the president said never,
never, never would he raise taxes in New Jersey, and within
a day Marlin Fitzwater, his spokesman, said now, that's not
a promise.
So I think even he has learned that you can't say "read
my lips" because you can't know what emergencies might come
up. But I can tell you this. I'm not gonna raise taxes on
middle class Americans to pay for the programs I've
recommended. Read my plan.
And you know how you can trust me about that? Because you
know, in the first debate, Mr. Bush made some news. He'd
just said Jim Baker was going to be secretary of state and
in the first debate he said no, now he's gonna be
responsible for domestic economic policy.
Well, I'll tell ya. I'll make some news in the 3rd debate.
The person responsible for domestic economic policy in my
administration will be Bill Clinton. I'm gonna make those
decisions, and I won't raise taxes on the middle class to
pay for my programs.
...
BUSH: ... Now, my problem is--I heard what he said.
He said I want to take it from the rich, raise $150B from the
rich. To get it, to get $150 billion in new taxes, you got to
go down to the guy that's making $36,600. And if you want to
pay for the rest of his plan, all the other spending
programs, you're going to sock it to the working man.
So when you hear "tax the rich," Mr. and Mrs. America,
watch your wallet. Lock your wallet because he's coming
right after you just like Jimmy Carter did and just like
you're going to get--you're going to end up with interest
rates at 21%, and you're going to have inflation going
through the roof.
Yes, we're having tough times, but we do not need to go
back to the failed policies of the past, when you had a
Democratic president and a spendthrift Democratic Congress.
*** END QUOTES***
Why do the chants of "see I told you so" start to peal in my ears?
--
Emil Thomas Chuck e...@acpub.duke.edu BSE in BME in 1993
"You just can't promise something like that just to get elected if you
know there's a good chance that circumstances may overtake you."
- Bill Clinton, East Lansing MI debate, Mon Oct 19 1992
Herbert Rutledge
|> I've been asked to post some Clinton jokes -- I think the best
|> ones are his broken promises or waffles, but here are some real
|> jokes. Now, I know I'll get flack from people saying 'that's
|> not funny!' or 'that's stupid' but that's the nature of the
|> business.
[ Jokes deleted. This is supposed to compare favorably with the
material in the QuayleQuote file? I've seen better stuff in
"Highlights for Children." ]
|> Boy, I'm just waiting for the flames now!
Don't hold your breath. We're still waiting for the jokes.
Nathan Mates
>
>I've been asked to post some Clinton jokes -- I think the best
>ones are his broken promises or waffles, but here are some real
>jokes. Now, I know I'll get flack from people saying 'that's
>not funny!' or 'that's stupid' but that's the nature of the
>business. Jokes are interchangeable and some of the best
>Clinton jokes are the ones that are old but changed slightly to
>fit the situation. I heard many Quayle jokes where Quayle took
>the part of the idiot, country bumpkin, ethnic group, etc.
>(My favorite: Quayle gets in a taxi and the driver doesn't
>recognize him. Driver says "Hey, wanna hear the latest Quayle
>joke?" Quayle becomes idignant and says "I'm Dan Quayle!"
>Driver says "Ok, then I'll go real slow..")
>
>(Note: some of these come from Nathan Mates, nat...@cco.caltech.edu.
>He maintains a Clinton joke list (some good/some bad) at ftp.cco.caltech.edu)
>
Thanks for the vote of confidence. This is the first of two files (the
next will be my next post. Both files are available via ftp from (save
yourself some typing) cco.caltech.edu in the pub/humor/political directory.
>Boy, I'm just waiting for the flames now!
>:)
>Julie
>DISCLAIMER: All opinions here belong to my cat and no one else
Flames? I have an asbestos suit on :)
Clinton Jokes
Note:
This list is being maintained by Nathan Mates, nat...@cco.caltech.edu, or
MSC #850, Caltech, Pasadena, CA 91126-0001. Please send any submissions to
one of the two addresses. You can freely distribute this file as long as this
message remains intact.
Q: What does Jeffery Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have
in common?
A: They both look like the work of a butcher...
Q: If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the
Clampents?
A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintence in the 6th grade.
>" The President, Vice President and all civil Officers of the United
>States, shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction
>of, Treason, Bribery, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors."
>So what are you accusing Clinton of? Please be specific. As I said we
>haven't had a good flame war in a while and writing "He just sucks" might
>be guaranteed free speech but it is probably wouldn't stand up in court.
Hmm....High Crimes and Misdemeanors, eh? How about impersonating a leader?
Intent to defraud the American people? Adultery (which I am sure was still
on the books in Arkansas at the time of his escapades)?
>a 200 dollar hair cut? What kind of example does that set?
With hair like Clinton's, two hundred bucks isn't ENOUGH to make it look
right.
"Death, Taxes, and Democrats will always be with us, at least Death never
gets any worse" ... A Wise Man......
Why doesn't Clinton have the courage to call his plan what it really is?
"Socialism"
"I want to focus like a laser beam on the economy"-- Bill CLinton.
With some spelling mistakes, what does this become?
Bill Clinton's definition of LASOR: "Little Attention Spent On Recession"
Or alternatively: "Latest Administration Screws Our Retirement"
[On the claim that "lying" should be grounds to nullify an election:]
"If that's the standard, President Clinton could get the death penalty
at this point." -- Jay Leno
Military investigators finally found the reason for the
Presidential helicopter crash. The helicopter, which had
been used by Clinton on his trip to the aircraft carrier
Theodore Roosevelt, went down last week in Maryland,
killing four crew members.
Yeah, they found pieces of Bill's hair in a bearing assembly...
Air Force One crashes, instantly killing President Clinton, Vice
President Gore, and their wives. Being the very important people that
they are, St. Peter greets them personally at the Pearly Gates and
informs them that they have been granted an audience with God. They
are lead by St Peter to a tremendous thrown room. The Supreme Being,
of course, is seated upon the thrown.
"And who might you be?" God asks of the Vice President.
"I am Albert Gore Jr, Vice President of the United States of America".
"Ah, yes. You have done much for the environment. Love your work.
Come sit on my left. And you there, who are you?"
"Your holiness, I am William Jefferson Clinton, President of the
United States."
"Right. You are a brave man who has confronted some difficult issues.
Come sit on my right. Now, who might you be?"
"My name is Hillary Rodham Clinton and YOU are sitting in MY seat."
Q: Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair?
A: He won't pay her $300.
_The Star Spangled Banner_
(revised for co-president Bill)
Oh, say can you see, a Clinton presidency?
Where we all get poor
Albeit e-qual-ly
Whose broad is he sleeping with?
Did he inhale or just take a whiff?
Character's not an issue,
Make Ted Kennedy president.
From the White House West Wing
You can hear Flowers scream
And the guv'ment's red ink
Gets worse with each week.
Oh, say does Billy Clinton remind you of Jimmy?
In the land of free health care and no GNP.
---Ralph D. Taite
---BTW, the President won't get mad about this will she, Bill?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are some memos found in the trash behind the primary building of
the FBI (Federal Bureau of Incompetents) in Washington, D.C. They're
probably classified information, and possession of them on your computer
system no doubt is considered a federal offense. Enjoy!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
This small Wacko cult isn't giving in. Do you have any instructions?
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Try playing "Feelings" over and over again 24 hours a day. That should
get the point across.
The Director
To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
Thank you for the suggestion. Unfortunately, playing "Feelings" over
and over again 24 hours a day has succeeded only in convincing the Wacko folks
that the end of the world is at hand. They're a bit less cooperative now.
Any more suggestions?
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Add searchlights at night. And add to the playlist something by
The Partridge Family.
Still The Director
To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
They like the Partridge Family.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Sickos.
STD
To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
We're getting bored out here. Can we go in now?
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Not until we've wiped their reputation a bit. Notify the reporters
about Koresh's sexual abuse of young, baby frogs.
The Director and Producer
To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
We have no substantiated reports of sexual abuse of young, baby frogs.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Do you have a point?
The Brilliant
To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
Unsubstantiated rumors of baby frog abuse will not withstand scrutiny.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
What scrutiny are you expecting, agent? Who's going to stand up for
a cult leader who's abused baby frogs?
Better than Brilliant
To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
We've had a tiny accident at the compound.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
How tiny?
Better than Brilliant,
but slighty Worried
To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
It kind of like, burned down. Sort of. Sir.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Notify the press the cultists committed mass suicide by burning down
their compound.
Brilliant, Almost Godlike
To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
We haven't gathered any evidence at all yet, let alone of
a mass suicide.
Pretty Good Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Do you have a point?
Try to remain more formal in your memos.
The BAG Director
To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
No sir, thank you sir.
Agent 2x3276
To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: President Billy Bob Clinton
Will:
What the hell are you folks doing over there?
Bill
To: President William Clinton
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
Sir:
Just doing our best to maintain law and order on a cult of
baby-frog-abusing Partridge Family fans, sir.
Director Sessions
To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: President Billy Bob Clinton
Will:
Oh. Okay.
Mr. Bill
To: Members of the Press
>From: President William Clinton
Dear Members of the Press:
The FBI has informed me of a tiny error they've made. I take full
reponsibility. It wasn't my fault.
The President
_______________________________________________________________________________
Why is it more dangerous than normal to sit next to Bill Clinton
while he's smoking?
The smoke is still firsthand!
Why doesn't Hillary wear mini skirts around the White House?
Answer: Because her balls show.
Re: Spy Magazine: CLINTON'S FIRST 100 LIES
I'm waiting for "Penthouse Magazine: CLINTON'S FIRST 100 LAYS".
Seems like a natural for The Great Fornicator.
Clinton was also asked to explain a remark he made to Russian President
Boris Yeltsin at their April 3-4 summit. He reportedly said,
``When the Japanese say yes to us, the often mean no.''
During a picture-taking session in the Oval Office, Miyazawa attempted
to defuse the situation by jokingly pointing out that ``every language
has its own pecularity.''
Smiling, Clinton told the news conference, ``I don't know what I meant
anymore.''
Gee, anyone think that sounds like something that our revered and
honored prez would say?
After today's coroner's report we may learn that David Koresh
"smoked but didn't inhale"!
99. "If Thomas Jefferson were alive today, I would appoint him Secretary of
State. And then I would suggest to Senator Gore that two of us resign
so he could become president."
- Of course, Slick Willie apparently doesn't realize that in such a case,
the Speaker of the House would become President first.
- If Thomas Jefferson were alive today, Clinton would be the Governor of
Arkansas!
What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
A: His face
Q: What is the Arkansas state flower?
A: Gennifer
Clinton is not a "tax and spend" Democrat, he is a "contribute and invest"
democrat.
UPI - NEWS FLASH!
After agonizing for several days over the situation in former Yugoslavia
where ethnic Serbs, Bosnians, and Muslims are engaged in a fierce civil
war, President Clinton today announced that he is strongly in favor of
diversity.
THE WHITE HOUSE
Office of the Press Secretary
For Immediate Release April 27, 1993
EVENTS ON THE PRESIDENT'S SCHEDULE FOR
TUESDAY, APRIL 27, 1993
11:30 am EDT THE PRESIDENT ADDRESSES THE ANNUAL MEETING OF THE
NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF REALTORS, Sheraton
Washington Hotel, Washington, DC
4:30 pm EDT THE PRESIDENT GREETS THE MENS AND LADIES NCAA
BASKETBALL CHAMPIONS, The White House, Washington,
DC
UPCOMING EVENTS ON THE PRESIDENT'S SCHEDULE
Friday, April 30 The President Introduces
National Service program
Saturday, April 31 The President Delivers Weekly
Radio Address to the Nation
###
Hmm, April 31st. Should be a great speech. Glad to see part of
Clinton's cost cutting included calendars for his staff.
In a NBC Evening News report on the homosexual march on washington
this weekend, one lady (Dee Mosbacher?) commented on the President's
unwillingness to march with the homosexuals.
"I think," she said, "if a million saxophone players showed up
outside the White House, he'd go out there and blow a few notes."
Maybe the group was just expecting too much..
Subject: Clinton on Tailhook Symp.
After reading the investigation report Clinton remarked,
"Maybe draft dodging was not such a good idea!"
George: (In southern drawl) Say there Mr. Clinton, I hear you and the misses
are getting divorced.
Billy: What ever gave you that idea?
George: Why it says right here in the newspaper.
Billy: Let me see that...It's says I threw out the first pitch on Apr.3rd.
-----
Seen on a bumper sticker this morning on I-285:
Honk if Bill Clinton says you're rich!
Heard this one this morning on the radio.
It's been discovered that Clinton is a test tube baby...
Apparently, he wasn't worth a f*ck back then either!
Subject: New Bumber Sticker seen in D/FW
First Hillary
Then Gennifer
Now US.
The White House
Office of the Press Secretary
-----------------------------------------------------------------
For Immediate Release April 19, 1993
STATEMENT OF PRESIDENT CLINTON
I am deeply saddened by the loss of individual income tax
contributions in Waco today. My thoughts and prayers
are with the families of David Koresh's victims. I too, know
what it feels like to be hiding from the federal government.
The law enforcement agencies involved in the Waco siege
recommended the course of action pursued today. The Attorney
General informed me of their analysis and judgment and
recommended that we proceed with today's action given the risks
of maintaining the previous policy indefinitely. I still don't
know what those risks are. I told the Attorney General "Hell yeah,
go with it!......Pass the bong, Chelsea."
Heard on Rush Limbaugh:
Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?
A: Put Janet Reno in charge.
On the 4/23/93 Tonight show, Jay Leno noted in his monologue that Clinton
had broken so many promises that he has actually run out of promises to
break! So he has asked his aids to bring him a list of all of Reagan's and
Bush's promises so he can start working on breaking their promises too!
Clinton's riding a horse, and hears someone shout "Hey, look at the prick
on that horse!" When he gets home, he takes a look & sees he's been
riding a mare.
Hillary's right-hand man, who got her the nomination in 1992 & was
governor for a long time, was a dope-smoking man named Bill
Clinton. One night, a burglar broke into the White House &
surprised Hillary in bed. Brandishing a gun, he told Hillary to
put her head under the covers & not make a sound. Hillary scrunched
down, but that made her ass stick out the side. The burglar said
"That goes for you too, Bill!"
Comparison of last 2 Democratic presidential candidates:
DUKAKIS CLINTON
% Of Vote Received 45 43
Military Experience rode around in a "TANK!? WHERE??"
tank, looking like
an idiot
Wife Kitty Shitty
Running-Mate's Wittiest "You're no Jack "Bill Clinton and I
Comment in VP Debate Kennedy" believe that
<insert your favorite
asinine comment here>"
Considered Too Passionless? Yes Just ask Gennifer...
>"Read my Lips, no new taxes! That is of course until I
>want to buy enough bombs to destroy Mars, and Venus, along
>the earth 47.5 times over."
Excuse me, but if I remember correctly (and I do!), Bush did not want to raise
taxes, but the Dummycrats in Congress pressured him into it.
When asked about his complete economic plan, Clinton said that Socks ate it.
From a study by the Minot branch of the Limbaugh Institute for Advanced
Conservative Studies:
A Comparison of the Last Presidential Candidates
George Bush Bill Clinton
----------- ------------
War Record Fighter Pilot Draft Dodger
Drug Usage Thyroid Medication Pot Smoker
Extramarital Affairs None 1000
Greatest Achievement Ended Cold War Gennifer Flowers
Position On Viet Nam Support of Country "The What?"
Position On Taxes Proposed Tax Cut Raise Em Baby!
Foreign Affairs Experience To numerous to mention Once Dated A
Mexican Girl
Favorite Song God Bless The USA To All The Girls
I've Loved Before
Church Episcopalian Red Brick
Favorite Vegetable Tomatoes Al Gore
Internation Experience Ambassador to China Moscow
UN Ambassador Troublemaker
Military Leadership Commander In Chief Former Captian of
Paintball team
Ticket Name Bush/Quayle 92 Bubba1/Bubba2
Least Favorite Food Broccoli Draft Beer
Abortion Bill Against It Paid It
Closest Brush With Death Shot Down in WWII Hillary
Came Home Early
Favorite Actor John Wayne Rob Lowe
Favorite Baseball Team Braves Dodgers
Favorite Bill Job Training 2000 Himself
Anti-Drug Policy Just Say No Don't Inhale
Looking Forward To Ending Recession Legalizing Prostitution
Reporter: Did you meet satan during your 1992 campaign swing through Georgia?
Clinton: No I didn't...inhell.
Captain Kirk and an away team down to Earth after going through a time
disturbance cloud, landing in Washington D.C. right in the middle of Clinton's
inagural ball. They look around, and Kirk says;
"Beam us up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here."
Read in Car and Driver.
I've heard of the Clintons being referred to as Billary, combining Bill and
Hillary. Well, why not switch it around and say "Hillbilly"... Hey! That
fits all too well.
And please I mean no offense to the President. Or her husband.
From a study by the Minot branch of the Limbaugh Institute for Advanced
Conservative Studies:
A Comparison of the Last Presidential Candidates
"Jimmy Clinton's Blues"
written by Les Aspin Doctors
Well I don't know how to tell you this
A taxing day in Metropolis
I think I'll talk to my market analysts
Don't want to hear it from the journalists
More taxes coming and there's the proof
Bill and Hilly under the White House roof
I think we're all going down the drain
You know Congress ain't gonna feel his pain
Hillary's gonna put you in her plan
Don't close those doors now, no don't kill Superman
Come downtown and party with me tonight
I got a pocket full of Clintonite
Bill's breaking budgets in a single bound
He's making promises he can't live down
Give his policies four years and we'll all be free
He's Jimmy Carter not Bill Clinton, you'll see
He's been to Moscow, traveled the world
He's the one who got elected, but the President's
a Wellsley girl
Don't believe his New Democrat spiel
I know he'll borrow what he can't steal
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was
jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about
them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
Received this from a guy who works at Apple:
********************************************
President Clinton, as part of his goal to increase technical awareness
and interest in the sciences, asked the various major computer
companies to cooperate in a large Multimedia publishing project. The
general theme was "Elephants".
The piece from Apple was titled: "User Friendly Elephants and Their
Friend, the Mouse".
IBM's: "How to Sell an Elephant to Someone Who Wants a Racehorse".
Novell's: "Connecting Elephants".
Borland's: "All Elephants Should Cost $99".
NeXT's: "Painting an Elephant Black".
Microsoft's: "Why You Should Buy Microsoft Windows".
The United States of America
presents
The Not Ready For Prime Time Administration
Starring HILLARYYYYY CLINTON
Co-starring her smiling husband, Billie Jeff
And Featuring
Donna "Poltergeist Psychic" Shalala
Robert "don't need the leg room" Reich
Ron "didn't pay social security either" Brown
Roberta "never met a woman she didn't like" Auchenberg
Janet "never met a man she did like" Reno
Warren "lied to Congress too" Christopher
Lloyd "agreed with Dukakis too" Bentsen
George "he'll say anything" Stephanopoulos
Dede "what's my job" Meyers
Hazel "who's she" O'Leary
And the all Male chorus line from the Little Getcher Hard Rocks
Off Cafe
(c) Matt Giwer
Read in Car and Driver.
I've heard of the Clintons being referred to as Billary, combining Bill and
Hillary.
Well, why not switch it around and say "Hillbilly"... Hey! That fits all too
well.
And please I mean no offense to the President. Or her husband.
From The Simpsons, April, 1993
<Bart> Didn't you think there was something wrong when you were
+getting checks for doing nothing?
<Grandpa> I thought it was because the Democrats were back in power.
"Jimmy Clinton's Blues"
written by Les Aspin Doctors
Well I don't know how to tell you this
A taxing day in Metropolis
I think I'll talk to my market analysts
Don't want to hear it from the journalists
More taxes coming and there's the proof
Bill and Hilly under the White House roof
I think we're all going down the drain
You know Congress ain't gonna feel his pain
Hillary's gonna put you in her plan
Don't close those doors now, no don't kill Superman
Come downtown and party with me tonight
I got a pocket full of Clintonite
Bill's breaking budgets in a single bound
He's making promises he can't live down
Give his policies four years and we'll all be free
He's Jimmy Carter not Bill Clinton, you'll see
He's been to Moscow, traveled the world
He's the one who got elected, but the President's
a Wellsley girl
Don't believe his New Democrat spiel
I know he'll borrow what he can't steal
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was
jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about
them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
Reporter: Did you meet satan during your 1992 campaign swing through Georgia?
Clinton: No I didn't...inhell.
Captain Kirk and an away team down to Earth after going through a time
disturbance cloud, landing in Washington D.C. right in the middle of Clinton's
inagural ball. They look around, and Kirk says;
"Beam us up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here."
*snicker*
THE DECLARATION OF CLINTONDEPENDENCE...
(with original words from Declaration of Indepence in UPPERCASE...
as transcribed by jPm)
WHEN IN THE COURSE OF HUMAN EVENTS, IT BECOMES NECESSARY
FOR ONE PEOPLE <or a multicultural society> TO DISSOLVE THE
POLITICAL BANDS WHICH HAVE CONNECTED THEM TO ANOTHER, AND TO
ASSUME AMONG THE POWERS OF THE EARTH, THE SEPARATE AND EQUAL
<,yet culturally diverse,> STATION TO WHICH THE LAWS OF NATURE
AND OF NATURE'S GOD <nature> ENTITLE THEM, A DECENT RESPECT
TO THE OPINIONS OF MANKIND <peoples of political incorrectness>
REQUIRES THAT THEY <the patriots of change> DECLARE THE CAUSES
WHICH IMPEL THEM TO THE SEPARATION.
WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF-EVIDENT THAT ALL MEN
<especially womyn> ARE CREATED EQUAL <and therefore entitled
to tailor-made bludgeons of litigation for the enhancement of this
equality>, THEY ARE ENDOWED BY THEIR CREATOR WITH CERTAIN
INALIENABLE RIGHTS, THAT AMONG THESE ARE LIFE, LIBERTY,
AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS, <and government provided retirement
benefits and government provided shelter and government provided food
and government provided unemployment insurance and government
provided education and government provided health care ...>--THAT
TO SECURE THESE RIGHTS, GOVERNMENTS ARE INSTITUTED AMONG MEN
<and maintained by bean-counted people to provide proportional
representation of every distinguishable human attribute>, DERIVING
THEIR JUST POWERS FROM THE CONSENT OF <43% of> THE GOVERNED
<which includes the recipients of the said inalienable rights>,
THAT WHENEVER ANY FORM OF GOVERNMENT BECOMES DESTRUCTIVE OF THESE
ENDS <viz: providing the complete livelihoods of the citizens>,
IT IS THE RIGHT OF THE PEOPLE <all 43%> TO ALTER OR TO ABOLISH IT,
AND TO INSTITUTE NEW GOVERNMENT, LAYING ITS FOUNDATION ON SUCH
PRINCIPLES <or lack there of>, AND ORGANIZING ITS POWERS IN SUCH
FORM, AS TO THEM SHALL SEEM MOST LIKELY TO EFFECT THEIR SAFETY
AND HAPPINESS <and transfer wealth to them>. PRUDENCE, IN DEED,
WILL DICTATE THAT GOVERNMENTS LONG ESTABLISHED SHOULD NOT BE
CHANGED FOR LIGHT AND TRANSIENT CAUSES <but, rather for the catchy,
undefined slogan of "Change!">; AND ACCORDINGLY ALL EXPERIENCE HATH
SHEWN THAT MANKIND ARE MORE DISPOSED TO SUFFER <evils such
as self sufficiency>, WHILE EVILS ARE SUFFERABLE , THAN TO RIGHT
THEMSELVES BY ABOLISHING THE FORMS <of self sufficiency> THEY ARE
ACCUSTOMED <and replacing them with "a free ride on the government
gravy boat">. BUT WHEN A LONG TRAIN OF ABUSES AND USURPATIONS
<i.e. the longest economic boom in U.S. history while competing against
the most competitive economic world market in history >, PURSUING
INVARIABLY THE SAME OBJECT, EVINCES A DESIGN TO REDUCE THEM UNDER
ABSOLUTE DESPOTISM <such as encouraging individual success rather than
collective dependence on government>, IT IS THEIR RIGHT, IT IS
THEIR <patriotic> DUTY, TO THROW OF SUCH GOVERNMENT, AND TO
PROVIDE <contributions and> NEW GUARDS FOR THEIR COLONIES;
AND SUCH IS NOW THE NECESSITY WHICH CONSTRAINS THEM TO ALTER
THEIR FORMER SYSTEMS OF GOVERNMENT. THE HISTORY OF THE PRESENT
KING OF GREAT-BRITAIN <usa> IS A HISTORY OF REPEATED INJURIES
AND USURPATIONS <and refusal to acknowledge and protect the
inalienable right to receive wealth redistribution payments>,
ALL HAVING IN DIRECT OBJECT THE ESTABLISHMENT OF AN ABSOLUTE
TYRANNY OVER THESE STATES. TO PROVE THIS, LET THE FACTS BE
SUBMITTED TO A CANDID WORLD. <crimes of "King" George and his
party follow>
HE HAS REFUSED TO ASSENT TO LAWS, THE MOST WHOLESOME FOR
THE PUBLIC GOOD <such as pork barrel packages and encouraging
the immigration of people with AIDS while trying to reduce
public health care costs>.
Q: What did the band play at Clinton's inauguration?
A: Inhale to the chief
Q: What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp
A: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton apprehensive about going to the movies?
A: Because he's afraid the usherette will ask to see his stub.
Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?
A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.
Hillary came into the room with a big smile and a spring in her
step. "My you're in a good mood," said Bill. "Why are you so
happy?"
"I just got back from my annual physical exam and the doctor said
I had the breasts of a 25 year old woman, " Hillary gushed.
"Did he say anything about your 46 year old ass?" Bill asked.
"No," said Hillary, "your name wasn't mentioned once."
When Clinton was asked if his administration would have an
abortion bill, he replied "No, I've already paid it."
George Bush reminds many women of their husbands, on the other
hand Bill Clinton reminds many women why an increasing number
of them are staying single.
During the campaign, Dan Quayle said that if his daughter got
pregnant, he'd let her decide whether or not to have an abortion.
Marilyn Quayle said that if her daughter got pregnant, she would
insist that she have the baby.
Bill Clinton said, "The woman's a liar. I was in Cleveland at
the time!"
In article wrote:
: >>Thought I'd put a little fun in my life. So I sent the Clinton Jokes list t
o
: >>Clinton. After a hard day, I thought our beloved President would love to ha
ve
: >>a little humor. :)
: >
: >Cool idea! Let us know if he likes them......
: >
: Let us know if he understands them.
:
-Let us know if he can READ them.
-I doubt he will even see them. Everything passes by Hillary's desk first.
-What makes you think Hillary lets him read the mail?
Reporter: Did you see satan during your 1992 campaign?
Clinton: No I didn't..., im hell.
---- Lyrics to "I am Hillary Hear Me Roar"
I am Hillary, hear me roar
I'm more important than Al Gore
I could run this country if I had the chance
I've got an office down the hall
so Bill can't fool around at all
in this White House family, I wear the pants
Oh, yes, I'm his wife
But I'm in love with politics
Oh, yes, this is the life
I might run in ninety six
If I have to, I will say anything
I am strong (strong)
I'm un-divorceable (divorceable)
I am Hillary!
Oh, yes, this is the life
I might run in ninety six
If I have to, I will say anything
I am strong (strong)
I'm un-divorceable (divorceable)
I am Hillary!
<Somebody wrote:>
I saw a cartoon with Bill Clinton dressed as Barney (labeled Blarney)
singing:
"I love you,
and you love me,
send me all of your money"
<Someone else wrote>
I've been struck lately by the "appearance of impropriety" so
prevalent in the Clinton administration. With the liberals in this
group pointing at Reagan and Bush whenever a conservative complains
about Clinton-doublespeak, I decided to start a Clinton Corruption
Watch. At the rate he's going he'll hit 100 before the next election.
Let's just see how long it takes.
===============================================================================
96. 3-29-93
Hilary Clinton, in violation of the Federal Advisory Committee Act,
and Judge Royce Lamberth's injunction, holds a formal fact-gathering
meeting.
97. 3-23-93
Attorney General Janet Reno fires all 90 US attornies, effectively
terminating the Justice Department inquiry into the doings of Rep. Dan
Rostenkowski.
(If the Justice Department actually indicts Rep. Rostenkowski, this
item will be removed from this list.)
98. 3-10-93
Hilary's Task Force on National Health Care Reform is held, by Judge
Royce Lamberth, to be in violation of the Federal Advisory Committee Act.
Judge Lamberth issues an injunction against any more fact gathering
meetings "until such time as the Task Force is in full compliance with
the requirements of FACA".
99. The Resolution Trust Corporation, responsible for resolving the
Savings and Loan bailout, forgives the 26 million dollar debt of Treasury
Secretary Lloyd Bentsen's son.
100. White House spokesman George Stephanopoulis is discovered to be
in violation of the Ethics in Government strictures against lobbying
your former bosses on the Hill within one year of leaving office.
TRAGEDY STRIKES IN BATHROOM; NATION MOURNS DEATH
Li'l Foxx
Duke Chomicle, Apr 01 93 Front page
Tragedy swept the nation last night when Clinton was found dead in the
White House bathroom. Declaring a state of emergency, the grief-striken
spouse took total control of the presidency.
"This is a period of great tragedy for our nation," Clinton
declared early this morning. "However we must look forward to the
future and embrace it wholly."
"The Clintons were always a team. It only seems natural that
when one dies, the other should take over," said former Vice President
Al Gore. "For the past three months, there has been a lot of uncertainty
as to whom was really in charge. Now there's no question whatsoever."
Gore will assume the office of First Lady which was vacated
because of last night's events. At a press conference this morning, he
expressed confidence and caution about the nation's future. "I feel
confident, yet cautious about the nation's future," he said.
Dr. Pat Francis, a medical specialist at the Walter Reed Army
Hospital, said the cause of Clinton's death is still unknown. However
sources at the FBI have revealed that it may possibly have been
alcohol-related.
"We discovered a large, empty bottle of hairspray in the vicinity,
and that very well may be the cause of death," one anonymous FBI agent
said cautiously. "Of course, Clinton could also have been using it to
style all that thick, luxurious hair."
A distraught Chelsea Clinton expressed grief at her parent's
death. "I loved both my parents very much, but I always knew either of
them could do a great job as president," she said confidently.
Cautiously, she added: "And now things are how they were meant to be."
The White House was inundated with telegrams expressing
sadness and sorrow over the great leader's death.
British Prime Minister John Major was among the sympathetic.
"I regret not getting to know either of the Clintons very well since
the inauguration in January," he said. "Also, I regret my glasses."
For Russian President Boris Yeltsin, Clinton's death only
emphasized the mortality of humankind. His own mother passed away
last week, and the service was beautiful although the flowers were a bit
too much. They really did a great job with her makeup, though, he said.
"I'm especially happy with the way they did her hair," Yeltsin
said. "It was not too poofy, but it was still shiny and full of body."
Riah Selzwit, the Russian mortician in charge of hair, was
pleased by Yeltsin's comment. "Thank you," she said confidently,
except in Russian of course. "I will be honored to style the dead
American leader's hair as well. Such thickness! Such glory!"
"That's a great idea, JoePiet <<manager of Auxiliary Services
at Duke>> said. "Let's put it on <<food>> points."
Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas
of Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She
sees this and calls out "Fifty dollars!" He's tempted, but the
price is a little high so he calls back "Five!" She'd disgusted
and turns away and Bill continues his jog.
A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and
as luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she
won't come down on her price. "Fifty!" she shouts and Bill
answers her "Five!" No sale.
About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get
into shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get
to the seedy part of town and the same prostitute is still there.
She eyes Bill and Hillary together and yells "See what you
get for five dollars!"
Bill Clinton Is My Shepard, I Shall Not Want.
He Leadest Me By Still Factories And
Abandoned Farms. He Restoreth My Doubt
About The Democratic Party. He Anointeth My
Wages With Taxes And Inflation. So My
Expenses Runneth Over My Income. Sirely
Poverty And Hard Living Shall Follow The
Democratic Party, And I Shall Follow The
democratic Party, And I Shall Work On A
rented Farm And Live In a Rented House Forever.
Five Thousand Years Ago Moses Said: "Pack Up
Your Camel, Pick Up Your Shovel, Move Your
Ass And I Will Lead You To The Promised
Land." Five Thousand Years Later Franklin D.
Roosevelt Said: "Lay Down Your Shovel, Sit On
Your Ass, Light Up A Camel, This Is The
Promised Land." This Year Bill Clinton Will
Take Your Shovel, Sell Your Camel, Kick Your
Ass, And Tell You He Gave Away The Promised Land.
I'm Glad I'm An American, I'm Glad I'm Free.
I Wish I Were a Dog And Clinton Was a Tree.
There were 3 high school-aged boys walking down the street in Washington.
Suddenly, they see Bill Clinton go jogging by, and he's about to be hit by a
car. So, they pull Bill out of the way and save his life. Bill says
"Thank you for saving my life. I'll grant each of you one wish."
The first boy says, "I want to go to Georgetown."
Bill pulls some strings and gets the boy admitted.
The second boy says "I want to get into West Point, but it normally requires
a Congressional appointment".
So Bill calls up his Democratic friends in Congress and gets the boy his
appointment.
The third boy says "I want to be bured in Arlington National Cemetary."
Bill says "That's an odd request for a 17-year old!"
The boy says "Yeah, but when my father finds out I saved your life he's gonna
kill me!"
--Thanks to Rush Limbaugh, apparently.
POLITICALLY INCORRECT DEFINITIONS OF WHAT
BILL CLINTON'S REALLY SAYING
What he says............................What he means
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"My fellow citizens"...................."Suckers"
"I didn't inhale"......................."I think you're all idiots"
"goals"................................."lies"
"broad-based contributions"............."taxes"
"investing in our infrastructure"......."pork-barrel spending"
"spending cuts"........................."decimating the military"
"jobs program".........................."military base lay-offs"
"Vietnam"..............................."where?"
"Attorney General"......................"the first semi-qualified woman
I could find without a criminal
record"
"God bless America"....................."God help us, 'cause
I don't have a clue"
"Fairness".............................."screw all of you"
"I feel your pain"......................"and I like it"
"Economic program"......................see "investing in our
infrastructure"
"diversity"............................."millionaires"
"opportunity"..........................."federal handout"
"compassion"............................see "opportunity"
"crime"................................."gun control/ban",
ref "Attorney General"
"deficit reduction".....................see "goals" and "Economic program"
"foreign policy"........................see "Vietnam" and "spending cuts"
"Health care reform"...................."nepotism",
ref "broad-based contributions"
"The Big Dinner in Los Gatos:
After a couple of Cocktails, President Clinton and the entire Entourage were
finally served.
John Sculley was presented with Grilled Salmon, Garnished with a small bowl
of Apple sauce.
Hilliary Rodham had Breast of Chicken.
Al Gore had Quail.... Of course.
When the Waiter presented President Clinton with the finest Cut of
Prime Rib you ever saw, He Looked at the plate and said " I ordered
the Pork Chops!!" The Manager (Who was hovering at this point, said
respectfully "Mr. President, I was there when you ordered and you
requested the Prime Rib." Bill Replied " I never said that"..."
The current menu at the White House
Mar 22 1993
From Kosher Kitchen, add 15% broad-based value-added contribution.
Certain items may not be available from Kosher Kitchen.
Changes in menu and kitchen by First Lady Hillary Clinton
(NYT Feb 01 93)
Certified by the Department of Agriculture, won the 1993 Espy award.
NOTE: I more suggestions for a "lite" menu for Secretary Aspen. We
do not want to contribute badly to his heart condition.
Breakfast
Waffles (catered by McDonald's)
1. Pain waffle $2.25
2. Waffle with a middle class tax cut NOT AVAILABLE(1)
3. Waffle with Lloyd's consumption tax syrup (2) BTU-dependent
4. Fried Waffle in Haitian Rum Sauce $3.25
with curly-excuse potatoes $2.99
(not available for Jesse Jackson)
(1) It's not the #1 item on our menu. I don't know who suggested that it
would be, but we never said it would be a balanced part of our
nutritious healthy budget of calories.
(2) With added ethanol. Also "reduced calorie" available, especially for
those with gas problems.
Fruit Loops in milk (camouflaged) 21 votes
trial basis until July from Senate
Nunn of the camouflage NEGOTIABLE
"Chelsea's breakfast specials"
{lots of sausage, bacon, and waffles}
with Quaker Oats $3.15
with condoms $3.50
with RU486 (test recipe) UPON REQUEST
Jogging track hash rounds $1000 gratuity
Stuffed Shelby Thousands of
Ball-and-chain, whipped, & opposition-free jobs in AL
QUOTE: ... The day after Clinton announced his budget
package to a joint session of Congress, Vice President
Al Gore sought to sell the plan by visiting lawmakers.
But he was embarrassed at a meeting in Sen. Richard
Shelby's office when, as the cameras rolled, the Alabama
Democrat publicly complained that the proposal was "high
on taxes and low on cuts."
The response from the White House was swift and
unapologetic: officials said they would move from Alabama
to Texas the management team for a space shuttle contract,
a loss of 90 jobs for Shelby's state. "We tolerate
dissention here," said one administration official familiar
with the episode. "But he embarrassed the veep on national
telelvision instead of speaking to us privately."
/Clinton musters support for plans by courting congress/
Richard Berke, NYT News Service
Mar 08 93 from Duke _Chronicle_ p. 13.
Budget cuts
from Democrats Not available due
to an "emergency"
$30B to be announced and executed in 1997-98.
The NY Times reports that Rep. Charles Schumer was asked why
the Democratic plan (lots of tax increases) is better than the
Republican plan (no tax increases). Schumer said "what makes our
budget the best is that it can pass, and we're doing something
about the deficit."
RLS Mar 19 93
from Republicans Found in trash
1. Rep. John Kasich (R-OH) produced a Republican plan
which would reduce the deficit by $429 B over the
next five years, without any tax increases.
2. Santorum-Specter plan (cut $97B of spending)
Subject: Re: Give me specifics == Yet Another Lie
Date: 9 Mar 93 16:26:02 GMT
3. Gramm-Lott amendment in Senate
4. Sen. Hank Brown (R-CO): WSJ Mar 09 93, p A16.
5. Rep. Gerald Solomon (R-NY). Compromise bill that
incorporated elements of the Clinton plan's
taxes and Kasich's spending cuts. Defeated with
the Kasich plan on Mar 18, 1993. Cuts included
"killing" the superconducting supercollider, and
an additional $60B in defense cuts underneath
the defense cuts set by Bush, Powell, and Cheaney
which were $50B beneath the 1990 Budget deal caps.
Sandwiches
1. The Congressional Special
Two FAKE pork patties (it's a Kosher kitchen,
after all), special interests, and an industrial
strength laxative (to help it go down smooth)
on a sesame and caraway seeded bun (to show
the bun's cultural diversity) $3.95
Tenderheart recipe
25% fewer staff members than the old WH menu,
but have yet to see if the Congressional
Special's recipe will follow the lead $4.50
2. The Social Security Special SEE NOTE
3. Spotted Owl Wings @ SEE NOTE
4. Fried chicken lips (demonstrated by DNC) $120 K
cf. The Economist, Feb 27; RLS Mar 08 93
5. Supreme Choice Sandwich $13.20
May substitute for White bread anything that is
tested pro-choice, has minority status, and has
liberal activist connections to Clinton's law
school profs at Yale.
6. Carville's Blackened Louisiana Basketball Final Four
tickets
Carville was also asked why so many campaign officials had been
brought back to the White House to straighten things out. He
replied "well, it's like how many blacks you played on the
basketball team in Louisiana 20 years ago - the rule was three
at home, four on the road, and five when you're behind."
Reported in RLS Feb 26 93
[Right after he had been brought into the White House to fix
the Clinton administration's mess of things, Carville talked
about how "the President is doing a fine job, but the
problem is we don't know what to do with her husband."]
NOTE: Cannot be served at this time, as it is an endangered species.
- VP A.G.
@ Spotted Owl Wings is an actual menu item at the Bordermine Cafe in
Colorado [RLS Feb 03 93]
Entrees
1. Sacrificial Republiclamb with scapegoat cheese ***SPECIAL***
with Ronaroni memory of 1980s
with Broccoli guilt of Horton
with Quail and a baked potatoe price is a joke
2. The Rainbow Cabinet Trout
(confirmed in less than a month)
in a special interest jus $11.00
with a salad fit for millionaires $9.00
a la Hillary (grilled over wood for at least
90 min) $7.95
feminist flambe' (a sprinkling of womyn/en) $7.75
with Reich-a-roni (laborously stirred) $7.50
in a Ron Brown sauce (w/o Social Sec Sauce,
with golden parachutes) $1.4M
with Zoe-cchuni NO LONGER
AVAILABLE
Nevada-style (all croutons from Reno) $8.36
a la Gore (without fish, not cooked over a stove, no nukes
or microwaves, not stored in a Freon-using refrigerator ... hell, it's
just pieces of raw organically grown grass) $9.50
3. Suefood Surprise
with a cabinet full of lawyers $10.95
with a cabinet full of millionaires $10.95
with a "leaner" bureaucracy $10,950
fully serviced by illegal immigrants NOT AVAILABLE
with micromanagement NO EXTRA CHARGE
Children's Legal Defense Fund Portion
with a parental lawsuit and an Al Gore
Environmentally sound coloring book
(bag of crayons, no book - would mean
the death of a tree!) PARENTS BILLED
4. Stephanopoultry assortment (from the "Chicken Plant")
without a Dee-Dessert $6.75
with a large Gephardt role $7.95
special prosecutor UPON REQUEST
5. (Mis)Steak of the Union $10.15
Burned to a crisp. (Hey I guess we asked for it.)
6. Forest Gridlock Summit Vegetarian Pizza
(may substitute marijuana for oregano
in Arkansas:: 01/28 AP Report) $8.95
"WORKING TOWARD NEW, BALANCED AND COMPREHENSIVE POLICY
FOREST CONFERENCE SET FOR APRIL 2 IN PORTLAND, OR
After Years of Gridlock, Action to Save Jobs and Precious Resources
... It is time to break the gridlock that has blocked action
and bring all sides together to craft a balanced approach to
the economic and environmental challenges we face."
Wed Mar 10 93 White House Press Release
Beverages
1. Hope Springs Eternal (Flavored dirty tap water from the Arkansas River
near the "Chicken Plant")
In a recycled glass or plastic bottle
(BYO Bottle) $2.25
"Dolphin-Free" $2.95
"Soak the Rich" punch
We'll back a truck to the nearest
window, stick a nozzle in your mouth, and
irrigate you like some Tennessee Valley
Authority project. UPON REQUEST
2. Celestial Blackmail Teas $100K
[Celestial Teas targeted by the New York Boycott Colorado
group, which was formed in protest of Colorado's rejection of Amendment
2. Story by Walter Smith, Colorado Springs IT Center, Feb 05 93]
3. Shalala Shake $2.50
Milk shake with PC pudding and a pink flamingo
decoration. Stirred with tongue depressor.
[Inspired by a picture of 1000 plastic pink flamingoes placed on
a quad area in the University of Wisconsin.]
4. CAFE au EPA 40 mpg
5. Dallas Cowboy Stampede Scalp of Wash Redskin
Dee-Desserts
Slick Willy Long Island % $1.00
Hillary's health care cookies $2.99
with Celestial Blackmail Tea $3.99
Triple layer-of-taxes cake (SALE PRICE!!!!) $30K or more
Schoolhouse deficit cake $128.31
Sweet death of pro-life movement (Gunned down) Freedom of Choice
Access Act Passage
% Really, this is an actual menu item in Harry's Chocolate Shop,
an adult bar in West Lafayette IN. (It's $3.00 w/tax.)
Source: Kevin L. Stamber, Purdue Univ.
********** SPECIAL NOTICE ********** SPECIAL NOTICE **********
Any item from the old John F. Kennedy menu 15% off menu price.
Any item from the old Franklin Roosevelt menu is 20% off.
Any item from Eleanor Roosevelt's recipe book is FREE!!!!!!
**************************************************************
LIST OF FINANCIAL PATRIOTS
Larry Villella, a 14-y.o. in Fargo ND [Feb 22 93] $1000.00
"I think you're really a symbol of what's best
in this country, and I'm proud of you and I
thank you for doing this." -- Bill Clinton
An elementary school [RLS Mar 08 93] $ 130.00
An elementary school [RLS Mar 08 93] $ 200.00
Liz Smith, gossip columnist, NY Newsday [Mar 03 93]:
"Now is your chance actively to help Uncle Sam with his
deficit headache. Do you want to do something useful,
while waiting as Congress tries to sweat out and melt
down President Clinton's new tax program? Well, you can!
Simply figure out how much you can bear to part with and
make out a check to the government of the US, marking it
as a contribution to help reduce the deficit.
"This is a trendy and good thing, no matter how
big or small your contribution, and it is something that
more and more people are doing to show they really want
the deficit reduced. If everybody in the country sent a
small check or money order, it could make a very big
impact. Address your envelopes to President Bill Clinton,
The White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC 20500."
A prison inmate at Somers CT [RLS Mar 17 93] $ 25.00
WEBSTER'S CLINTONESE - TO - ENGLISH DICTIONARY (FIRST EDITION)
CLINTONESE ENGLISH
__________ _______
"My fellow citizens" "Suckers"
"I didn't inhale" "I think you're all idiots"
"goals" "lies"
"broad-based contributions" "taxes"
"investing in our infrastructure" "pork-barrel spending"
"spending cuts" "decimating the military"
"jobs program" "military base lay-offs"
"Vietnam" "where?"
"Attorney General" "the first semi-qualified woman
I could find without a criminal
record"
"God bless America" "God help us, 'cause
I don't have a clue"
US President Bill Clinton plans to reduce the budget deficit by an appeal to
sacrifice. The problem, however, is that every time he gets near a virgin...
In an article on Northern Ireland, the political party Sinn Fein
was described as the political wing of the IRA. I guess that
makes the U.S. Democratic Party the political wing of the IRS.
President Clinton had heard of all the starving people in Somalia, and wanted
to get a look for himself. He ordered his aides to prepare Air Force One.
On the plane, the president looked down with his binoculars, and said "My
God! Look at them! Skinny, starving -- where are our troops?"
An aide chimed in: "Er, Mr. President... that's not Somalia. It's Arkansas."
VoiceFromWhiteHouse> Sorry, but we just have to cut all our
- non-essential staff here
(voice revealed to be Hillary)
Hillary> So, Bill, I'll give you 'til 5 to get out!
Reporter 1> The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still
place their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of
salvation!
Reporter 2> And that concludes our report from the Clinton White
House
Slick Willie appoints his wife to chair health care reform and now appoints yet
another Kennedy to be, of all things, Ambassador to Ireland. Who said nepotism
in American government is dead?
Hillary is being driven around Washington D.C. and spots
a little boy sitting in a park with a wagon. She thinks,
'this is a great press opportunity' so she has her driver
pull over. She gets out to talk to the little boy and
discovers that he has 6 little puppies in the wagon.
She comments on how nice they are and the little boy says
'thank you ma'm, they're Democrats!' Of course Hillary is
extremely pleased by this.
A few days later, Bill decides to take one of his jogs down
to McDonalds, which is close to the park, and Hillary mentions
that if he should see a little boy with a wagon he should
stop and talk to him. Well, Bill sees the little boy with
his wagon and puppies so he tells the little boy 'what nice
puppies those are!' The boy says, 'Thank you sir. They're
Republicans!' 'Wait a minute,' says Bill, 'Hillary told
me that they're Democrats.' The boy responds, 'Yes sir,
but now their eyes are open!'
Bill Clinton dies and goes to the pearly gates, where St.Peter asks him
who he is and what he did. Bill replies, "I am Bill Clinton, and
I was president of the United States!" St. Peter says, "Ok, I will
take you to meet the Lord." So they go to meet the Lord, who says
"Who are you and what have you done?" Clinton replies, "I am Bill
Clinton and I was president of the U.S.A.!" The Lord then says,
"Come Bill, sit on my right hand." Clinton then sits down to the right
of the Lord, extremely happy.
Al Gore then dies and goes to the pearly gates, where St. Peter asks him
who he is and what he did. Al replies much the same as Bill did,
stating that he is Al Gore and was Vice-president of the US. St.
Peter then takes him to meet the Lord, who offers Al the seat on his
left side. Al accepts, and like Clinton, is ecstatic.
After a while, Hillary dies and gets to the gates. St. Peter asks who she is
and what she did, to which she replies, "Hillary Rodham Clinton, wife
of the president of the US." Peter then takes her in to meet the Lord
who repeats the question, "Who are you and what have you done?"
Hillary replies, "I am Hillary Rodham Clinton, and you are in my seat!"
Didja hear that in response to Pres. Bill's habit of dropping
in on local McDonalds the McD's national management has annouced
a commemrative double cheeseburger, the McClinton?
Of course, when you get it, the price has doubled, and it's got
half the meat.
How about that footage on the news yesterday of our new Commander-in-
Chief on the deck of the aircraft carrier (Teddy Roosevelt?)..
After throwing one of his snappy salutes (he's *almost* got that down),
I half expected him to give the order, "Let's turn this thang around.
We're taking 'er to the dump."
Or "Are there any communists on board? How'd you like to be in charge
of a floor of the Pentagon?"
Or "Those who voted for me, step forward. The rest of you are out of
work."
Or "I want you to re-target those missles from Moscow to EIB headquarters."
Or "Admiral, tell me about your plans for Gay Heritage Month..."
Zipity do dah,
Zipity ay,
Billy boy's the prez,
Now we're all gonna pay.
They'll take all your money,
And give it away.
They'll leave you with nothin
for a rainy day.
[ Chorus ]
He's got a big chip on his shoulder
dont ask me why, cause I don't know.
He seems to really hate the mid class
he wants to knock you right down on you'r fat ass.
Zipity do dah
Zipity ay
Congress is behind him
now we're all gonna pay.
Energy taxes are rising each day
my house is gettin colder cause the gas went away
I can't fill my car so I can'v get away
Dr. Kervorkian take my troubles away.
The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption
are Las Vegas and Washington, DC.
The difference between the two is that in Washington the
drunks are gambling with *our* money!
WGST radio in Atlanta reported yesterday that the Clinton's cat Socks arrived
at the White House after being driven from Arkansas by a friend.
Acording to the reporter, "Socks ran around the room becoming familar with the
new surroundings. There was that one embarassing moment though when Socks, as
cats will do, began scratching a post. Unfortunately, it was Vice President
Al Gore."
"A Gore friend told him to urge Clinton to pick Sigourney Weaver
for Attorney General: 'She knows how to handle aliens.'"
Arkansas 12th Grade Reading Test
Slick Willy, Administrator
Test #1 Test #2
MR Farmers MR Snakes
MR KNOT MR KNOT
OSAR OSAR
CMMT Pockets CMBDI's
LIB LIB
MR Farmers MR Snakes
Test #3 Test #4
MR Ducks MR Mice
MR KNOT MR KNOT
OSAR OSAR
CM Wangs CMEDBD Feet
LIB LIB
MR Ducks MR Mice
Test #5
CM Puppies
MR KNOT Puppies
OSAR
CMPN
LIB
MR Puppies
After taking un-official office, Hillary wants to have her middle
name used when news reports refer to her, Hillary Rodham Clinton.
Since she is quite assertive and is giving Mr. Bill and
others advice on many matters, maybe she should be called
Hillary "Ram-rod 'em" Clinton.
Q: How does Bill Clinton say "Fuck you"?
A: "Trust me."
It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic Party
emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a
bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while
being screwed.
If Bill Clinton wins the election this November, they're going to have an
air-conditioned sauna installed in the White House -- so he can have it both
ways.
Bill Clinton is *so* fat, when he wears his yellow raincoat, people shout,
"Taxi!"
Bob Kerrey, when asked about Bill Clinton evading the draft: "Do I care if he
evaded the draft? Well, a part of me does." [Bob Kerry lost an leg in
Vietnam.]
Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
A: One has two boobs, the others *are* two boobs.
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
A: By the wise look in the eyes.
Richard Belzer told this joke on TV today, apparently after watching Bill
Clinton's performance in last night's debate (loosely paraphrased):
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?
A: He's the stiff one.
I heard that some of the women in Arkansas are so fast that they have to put
a governor on them!
"One thing's for sure about Clinton...
-- He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!"
Q: What does Gennifer Flowers do when she misses Bill Clinton?
A: Eats Waffles
My brother explained why Bill Clinton is having so many woes:
Bill Clinton has been in the Flowers and weeds!!
So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex life. Seems today
he finally admitted that he had sex with Gennifer Flowers a couple of times...
...but he didn't come.
They said in the debates that Governor Clinton's home state of Arkansas has
the lowest teen pregnancy rate in the nation... I'd like to thank the
governor for wearing a condom."
It's interesting that Bill Clinton chose a a running mate who DID inhale.
Perhaps had the country paid more attention to Gennifer Flowers, Clinton
would have picked Gary Hart instead.
From a Mike Royko column:
Gov. Clinton, after that blond bimbo got up on TV and said you had been her
lover boy for years, you and your wife went on TV and your wife was
affectionate, supportive and calm. Would you care to share with millions of
American men how the heck you managed to talk your way out of that pickle?
Bill Clinton is *so* fat, when he makes love to two women at the same time,
they never see each other.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.
Aides for presidential candidate Bill Clinton hotly denied new allegations of
misconduct. Officials of the company marketing the popular "Where's Waldo"
puzzles noted a striking resemblance while examining the bare-breasted woman
depicted frolicking in the water with an as-yet-unidentified man.
Clinton denies that he has ever met the woman, and says he was with Waldo the
whole time.
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and
one to obscure the issues.
A: None -- He'll only promise "change."
George Bush:
"Change, change, change... That's all we'll have in our pockets if Bill
Clinton is elected president."
Heard on MTV News:
"Bill's brother who who owns a band, Politics, will be playing at the
inauguration if Bill Clinton gets elected. Bill's brother will bring down the
house just like Bill Clinton will bring down the country."
Did you hear Hillary Clinton ate beans on Friday night so
she could take a bubble bath on Saturday?
BILL CLINTON STATUE COMMITTEE
1040 Bufoo Street
Little Rock, AR 72205
Dear Friend,
We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for raising five
million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in the Hall of Fame in
Washington D.C.
This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the statue. It was not
wise to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a
lie, nor beside Senator Joe McCarthy, who never told the truth, since Bill
Clinton could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside the statue of Christopher Columbus, the
greatest Democrat of all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not
know where he was, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on
borrowed money.
Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your
shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised
Land!" Nearly 5,000 years later, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit
on your asses, and light up a Camel, this IS the Promised Land!" Now, Bill
Clinton is going to steal your shovels, kick your asses, raise the price of
Camels, and mortgage the Promised Land.
If you are one of the fortunate few who has anything left after taxes, we
expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.
Fraternally,
The Bill Clinton Statue Committee
Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and Bill Clinton's campaign limo?
A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing
something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow
manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, "Little boy, what ARE
you doing?"
The boy replied, "I am making George Bush, Mister."
Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, "Why are you making George Bush?
Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?"
The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can't make Bill Clinton."
"But why not?" asked the man.
The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn't enough bullshit here to make Bill
Clinton."
Arsenio:
I heard that Harris [headed for the electric chair] was going to imitate Bill
Clinton...
He wouldn't inhale...
TRUE STORY
A friend told me he saw this on F-Troop last night:
The Captain, the Chief, and an Inspector General were discussing the Chief's
breaking of a Treaty. The following was the dialog:
Inspector General: But Chief, how could you break the treaty?
You smoked the peace pipe with us!
Chief: Ah, yes. But, I didn't inhale!
HELLO! Sound familiar everybody? Not only can't Clinton tell the truth,
but he plagiarizes his lies!
There was a line in George's speach where he said I raised taxes 1 time and I
lived to regret it. Bill Clinton did it 132 times and loved every minute.
(I thought he was going to add: And it's the same way on adultry.)
Governor Bill Clinton had billed himself as a common man's president. In
order to garner the votes of two states, he decided to go baby-kissing and
flesh-pressing along the border of Louisiana and Arkansas. There, he
encountered a strange fellow working at a gas station, a common man if there
ever was one.
"Sir, I'm Governor Bill Clinton, and I'm running for president," said Gov.
Clinton, extending his hand out for a handshake.
"That's mighty fine! I'm a great admirer of yours, Governor. You've done
great things for the state of Arkansas," replied the man enthusiastically.
The odd man, noticing the Governor's outstretched hand, shook his head sadly
and said, "I'm sorry Governor. As much as I'd like to shake your hand, I
can't do it right here. However, I will shake your hand if you cross the
highway with me."
Willing to do anything for a vote, Clinton agreed and crossed the highway
with the man. Upon reaching the other side, the odd man vigorously shook the
Governor's hand. Curious, Clinton asked of the man, "Why is it that I may
shake your hand only after crossing the highway with you?"
The man replied, "Oh, that's simple, Governor. You see, that there was
Louisiana, and this here is Arkansas. Everyone knows that boob touching is
legal only in Arkansas."
Reagan speech 8/17/92, referring to Bill Clinton (with veiled reference to
Lloyd Bentson's comment to Dan Quayle during the 1988 VP debate; also after
joking about his (Reagan's) advanced age):
All right. Listen to me. This fellow they've nominated claims he's the new
Thomas Jefferson. Well, let me tell you something. I knew Thomas Jefferson.
He was a friend of mine. And, governor, you're no Thomas Jefferson.
Reagan speech 8/17/92 at Republican National Convention:
When we see all that rhetorical smoke billowing out from the Democrats,
ladies and gentlemen, I'd follow the example of their nominee: Don't inhale.
Bill Clinton justifies his proposed increases in government spending by
dividing it into investment spending and consumption spending:
GNP = C + I + Government Investment + Government Consumption
He claims that goverment investment is productive and is worth running a
deficit for.
The question is whether the government can really make that many investments
that are better than private sector investments. People are scared that under
Bill Clinton and the Democrats, we will instead get:
GNP = C + Pork Barrel + White Elephants
+ Bureaucracy + Inefficiency
+ Uncontrolled Costs
+ Politically Correct Spending
+ Outrageous Boondoggles
+ $500 Billion Bank Bailouts
+ Favors to Lobbyists
+ More Favors to Big-Voting-Bloc Special Interests
+ Even More Favors to Big-Money Campaign Contributors
Most people don't think that politicians, government bureaucrats and academic
economists would know an efficient investment from a hole in the wall. They
think that politicians would end up calling everything they like, including
increases in their own salaries, a form of investment.
DLC STUDIOS
Presents
SLICK WILLIE
One Man's Story Of Saying Whatever It Takes To Get Elected
He'll do to America what he did to Arkansas.
He won't inhale.
He won't take us to war... because he wouldn't go himself.
Hillary Clinton as "Tammy Wynette" Gennifer Flower as "The Bimbo"
Ted Kennedy as "His Chaperone" Mario Cuomo as "The Godfather"
Don't Miss the Sequel: GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS!
DLC Studios presents
BILL CLINTON as "SLICK WILLIE"
in a BLOODWORTH-THOMASON production
Executive Producer: RON BROWN
Directed By: JAMES CARVILLE
Screenplay by: GEORGE MCGOVERN
Based on the Book By: GLORIA STEINEM
Music by: SISTER SOULJAH Performed by: ICE-T
Featuring:
JESSE JACKSON as "THE RAPPER"
AL GORE as "THE TREE HUGGER"
PAUL TSONGAS as "ELMER FUDD"
JERRY BROWN as "GOVERNOR MOONBEAM"
Special Apperances by:
JIMMY CARTER WALTER MONDALE MICHAEL DUKAKIS
ARSENIO HALL THE HIPPIES THE YIPPIES
HISPANIC LESBIANS AGAINST RACISM
COMMITTEE TO SAVE THE GAY WHALES ACT UP EARTH FIRST!
UNIVERSITY OF ARKANSAS ROTC UNIT
Soundtrack Available On Rated R: Ridiculous
TIME-WONDER TAXPAYER BEWARE
Records and Tapes
George Bush:
"When Bill Clinton blows his taxophone, America will be singing the blues."
THE ADVENTURES OF PRESIDENT BILL
It's Friday night and President Bill is working late in the White House.
Suddenly the big, red telephone on his desk rings.
RINGGGGGGGGGG, RINGGGGGGGGGG, RINGGGGGGGGGG
President Bill:
Hello! Hello!
Voice on the Line:
President Bill! We have a report that Boris Yeltsin
just ordered the launch of all Russian missiles
in a full-scale nuclear attack against the United States!
President Bill: [take-off on a Clinton tirade against Jesse Jackson]
AW SHIT!!!
HE SAID HE WOULDN'T DO IT!
THAT DIRTY, DOUBLE-CROSSING BACKSTABBER!
SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!
BAM!!! goes the receiver back in the red telephone's cradle.
President Bill grabs the briefcase next to his desk,
whirls the combination locks, flings open the lid,
and jabs in a series of top-secret access codes.
A voice comes over the briefcase speaker.
Voice:
Mr. President, is this a drill?
President Bill:
Listen to me.
We're being attacked by the Russians.
Launch a full-scale response immediately.
Voice:
Are you sure, Sir?
President Bill:
HELL YES!!!
FIRE THE MISSILES!!!
FIRE THE GODDAMN MISSILES!!!
Voice:
OK Sir, we're launching them this minute.
President Bill:
Thank you, Son!
The speaker goes silent and President Bill collapses in his chair.
Suddenly, an aid flings open the door and bursts into the room.
Aid:
Hey Bill! Neat joke, huh?
Sounded real, didn't it?
Attacked by the Russians! What a gag!
Hey, you want something from the kitchen, Bill?
How about a Pizza or something?
Say Bill, are you OK? You look kinda pale.
You OK Bill?
Bill???
I just realized why Clinton visited Tandem yesterday rather than Sun or HP
which would have brought larger crowds.
He thought Tandem would be a friendlier crowd when he heard they were a
"fault tolerant" company.
Reporter: Governor Clinton, what damage do you think has been done to your
campaign by your wife's comment the other day about how "Hitler was really a
great guy" ?
Clinton: (Mixture of sadness and anger, but articulate as always.) Hilary and
myself are shocked, outraged, and deeply saddened by this terrible
misunderstanding. The media hype is way out of proportion. You guys should
know us by now--we would never say anything like that. And though she did say
a few things about Germany she certainly didn't mean anything offensive by
her remarks, which I might add have been willfully and shamefully taken out
of context and distorted. There is nothing in my life, or Hilary's life,
which can be construed as deroguerotory toward the German people. We honor
them. Some of our best friends are Germans. My own grandmother was
one-quarter German. And it certainly isn't true that Germans are excluded
from our country club. In my eleven years as Governor of Arkansas I was
responsible for hiring more German-Americans than my three predecessors
combined. We have some pie charts which we'll pass around for all you boys
so you have the whole story. Once the American people know all the facts
they'll understand just how ridiculous this is.
Part of this just naturally comes from being the frontrunner, although I
never thought of myself that way or wanted to be called that. You boys just
keep taking your best shots. The American people have seen the worst of me
and they aren't turned off by what we stand for. But this latest outrage is
just too much. You boys ought to be ashamed. Sleaze for soundbites, trash for
cash, that's what this is. We have good reason to believe the audio tapes
were doctored. We're not even sure if that's Hilary's voice. You guys ought
to have checked this out better before launching a major attack on my wife.
The whole story was phony to begin with. In fact, our sources suggest that
this is is just the latest manifestation of the viscious smear campaign
orchestrated by the white house, who have declared many times that they will
do whatever it takes to win this election. And that's part of the reason tha
we're so outraged about this--the very gall of the whole thing. The only
nazis you find in America these days are people like David Duke, who of
course is a Republican, not a Democrat. But I certainly don't mean to imply
that George Bush has any Nazi skeletons in his closet. As I told Hilary just
this morning, "Two wrongs don't make a right."
It also comes as no surprise that Governor Brown has jumped on the bandwagon
and has repeated these ridiculous charges every chance he gets. It is clearly
in Governor Brown's interest to do whatever he can to turn the discussion
away from his "flat tax" proposal which would spell disaster for the people
of this nation. And former Senator Tsongas, although he tried to claim he
was above such things, has also chimed in with a few comments of his own and
he maintains he isn't even running any more. Unlike Senator Tsongas and
Governor Brown, I've always tried to focus on issues, and God knows we've
tried to avoid misleading or negative campaigning of any kind.
(Turning up the heat, getting more dramatic.)
The millions of citizens of this great country who are out of work or scared
of losing their jobs or their health insurance know what I stand for. People
are genuinely disillutioned with the way things are in Washington, and this
kind of sideshow just reinforces their disgust. People have been let down,
they've been shafted by Washington. They want to know whether they have a
vehicle for their resentment. I have always run my campaigns as a change
agent. I'm as much of an outsider as anybody. I ran the first ad against the
congressional pay raise!
Certainly this is a sad commentary on the manipulation of the media, and the
people, by evil forces who oppose our candidacy. Here we are trying to bring
everyone together in this country so that we can work for the future, and
once again viscious lies are spread about us and guerilla tactics are used
against us. Besides, I thought you guys were supposed to be on my side. It is
just plain cowardice to keep bringing this up and attacking my wife instead
of raising honest issues like the need for more submarines, my support for a
middle class tax cut, the way Senator Tsongas wants to break the backs of
poor honest retired folks by slashing their social security payments, how
opposed I am to raising the gas tax, or the way Jerry's flat tax would
cripple the nation. Maybe Hilary should have just stayed home in Arkansas and
baked some cookies.
Saw this on "In Living Color" last night:
Barbara Bush to Hillary Clinton: "Your daughter's so ugly Woody Allen
wouldn't touch her."
New campaign slogan for Gov. Clinton:
Smell my lips.....No more Bush
I heard Bill Clinton was Grand Marshal of a stock car race during the Labor
Day weekend. A politician strikes me as an excellent choice to preside over
an event where people drive in circles at high speed.
Ya know, I kinda hope that Clinton does get elected... It will be the first
time in a long while that I'll have been able to *really* enjoy political
humor...
Bill Clinton has been advised by doctors to save his voice and
not speak a single word for the next couple days.
Guess this means he'll have to contradict himself in mime...
Bill Clinton is *so* fat when he sits around the White House, he sits
*around* the White House.
Acronyms:
CLINTON = Chicken Lickin' Idiot Now Taking Over Nation
CLINTON = Crazy Liberal Intent On Needlessly Trashing Our Nation
CLINTON = Clearly Loose Internal Navigation Techniques Occupy Never-Neverland
GORE = Genniffer's Only Remaining Enterprise
GORE = Greatly Oriented to Radical Ecology
EARTH DAY = Ecological Alarmism Retold To Hysterical Dopes And Youngsters
GORE = Great One Regulating Everything
Well, now that the election will be a thing of the past tonight, I guess Bill
Clinton will be glad. Why you ask?
So he can put Jennifer Flowers to bed! [literally]
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving
this year?
A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!
A2: Because they can't afford any more pork
A3: Reagan ate all the jellybeans
A4: They've been having turkey FOR YEARS
A5: Because Bill is having Gennifer
A6: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.
If you don't like BUSH, you're a homo.
Why does Hillary have a big mouth?
She likes to bl** whales.
Why does hillary have a grimace on her face?
Bill forgot to take the di*** out.
Why did Bill use the di***?
Because Hillary bit it off!
Why did Gennifer Flowers leave Bill and talked?
Bill had NOTHING to give her!
About the porno film,
Slick Willie bl*** the country.
And a Perot Joke:
Doesn't Perot look like Radar 30 years later?
And another Clinton joke:
Hillary isn't just butt ugly, she's up-butt ugly!
Vote Democrat... It's easier than getting a job
Come April 21, Many Americans will be seeing the following 1040EZ, Thanks to
Bill Clinton:
Enter your salary from last year on line 1. ..........line 1_____________
Please remit Line 1 for tax due.
Put all Comments/ Complaints in the box that follows: -------
| |
| |
-------
Yes, I would like to give $1 for a re-elect the president fund...
-------
does Bill Clinton really live on Bufoo Street?
Is that short for buffoon street?
Its great that Clinton is such a common place name...
It makes for great signs (thanks, Rush) like ...
<PROSPERITY
CLINTON
CLINTON AVE
DEAD END
CLINTON
PROMISCUITY AHEAD
==========
Subject: something to show for it
Last night David Lettermen mentioned that Gennifer Flowers is going to do a
"spread" in the December Penthouse magazine.
He remarked that it will be good, for once, to see something that a Presidential candidate has done.
==========
And now something NEW and ORIGINAL...
President-Elect Clinton promises to make the administration more
representative of the population. Well, I think he should consider making
Millie the Dog Secretary of State. After all, President Bush recommends her
highly "knows more about international relations than those two bozos
combined.." and after all, how many dogs have been appointed Secretary of
anything?
And finally, the way things are going to be under Clinton, we won't have any
stature as a superpower any more, so we might as well have a Secretary of
State that barks if someone breaks in.
On the front page of the 11/9/92 New York Times, there is a piece
entitled "Clinton, After Raising Hopes, Now Tries to Lower Expectations."
In this piece, the major campaign promises made by President-Elect Clinton
are summarized as follows.
1. He said he would end welfare "as we know it."
2. He would restore America's industrial manufacturing base so that good,
high-paying jobs are widespread.
3. He would insure that no working family would fall below the poverty line.
4. He would make "health care a right, not a privilege," for all Americans
without subjecting businesses to an additional tax burden or rationing health
care.
5. He promised to eliminate adult illiteracy in five years.
6. He promised to halve the Federal deficit in four years without raising
taxes on the middle class or significantly cutting the Government entitlement
programs that account for the bulk of Federal spending.
7. He promised offering a modest tax break to the middle class.
8. He would guarantee all Americans either a college education or two years
of vocational training after high school, under the guidance of a national
service program that would "solve the problems of this country while
educating a generation of Americans."
9. Mr. Clinton pledged to keep abortion legal while "making it as rare as
possible."
10. He promised to end racial, religious, geographical, and sex-oriented
divisions in society.
11. He promised to safeguard environmental concerns without costing jobs.
12. He promised to protect the rights and privileges of workers without costing business growth.
Good Luck, Bud!
Wary Klink Live-Pillory Clinton
Wary: "Hello, welcome to Wary Klink Live. Tonight's guests will be
First Lady elect Pillory Clinton. In our second hour, our
guest will be Dr. Heidrich Von Schmillshonshtenstenton D.D.S.,
P.A., Ph.D., M.D., A.C.L.U A.F.L.-C.I.O, A.S.A.P., A.S.P.C.A.,
S.P.Q.R., C.I.A., F.B.I., I.R.S., nd H.R.S., discussing the
finer points of redneck philosophy. (Titles and Degrees 1.)
Welcome Mrs. Clinton.
Pillory: Thank you it is a pleasure to be here.
Wary: Now, we will open the phones in a moment, but first, how does
it feel to have singlehandedly ruined this country's economic
structure? (Emotional Terms 2.)
Pillory: Wonderful, Wary. It's an incredible power trip to hold the
future of an entire nation in your hands. I won't enjoy
destroying this nation from the ground up, much, but it must
be done. Change must come, and tearing it up and starting
from scratch is the only way.(Radicalism 3.)
Wary: Well, good for you. Now, to our first caller from Xanadu,
Nebraska.
Caller 1: Miz Klinton, I am a profezzor of Eaztern Philozophiez, and I
find your previouz statements to be grozzly offenzive. How
can you claim that a pro Marxist/Leninst/Stalinist policy is
the best course when Lao Tsu clearly statez that eventz muzt
be allowed to take their courze if the society is to reach a
higher level.(Status 4.)
Pillory: Everyone is against me, I can't understand it, I want to help
the nation!
Wary: Next caller. (Click) Umm...this caller is from Pigsnout,
Georgia.
Caller II: (German accent) Hello, this is Dr. Schimillschonshtenstenton,
I regret that I will be unable to attend your show this
evening as I have had car trouble here in town. However the
wonderful people of the town have graciouly offered to
provide the entertainment for the evening.
Wary: How is that Mr Schim... Doctor
Caller II: We are going to watch some film called "Deliverance". I'm
told it's quite good.
Wary: I'm terribly sorry doctor, but enjoy the movie.
Caller II: I'm cartain I will, they are such a polite and forthcoming
people (Appearance 5.)
Wary: Our next caller is from San Juan, excuse me San Joo Wahn, Texas
Caller 3: (southern twang) I want to talk to that wife of a commie
sympathiser!
Wary: Please, sir, keep the insults to a minimum.
Caller 3: Bush and Quayle weren't that bad, we have had 12 years of
republican presidency, why change it now? (Conservatism 6.)
Pillory: I find it impossible to believe that anyone could find any
benefit from a republican presidency! (Inconceivability 7.)
Caller 3: You What!
Wary: People, don't fight. I'm sure the answer lies somewhere
between your two views. Can't we all just get along?
Pillory: No.
Wary: Okay. Next caller from Vallder, Colorado.
Caller 4: Hi, my name is Edward Winslow, and I am a former Perot
supporter.
Class: HI EDWARD!
Caller 4: I really don't understand all this pro-Clinton sentiment.
Clinton's presidency will be the biggest bomb in American
history (Metaphor 8.)
Wary: Mrs...
Pillory: Ms.
Wary: Sure. Ms Clinton, your response.
Pillory: I agree, my presidency will be an explosive one, impacting
every aspect of American society. (Shift of Meaning 9.)
Wary: Excuse me, I think he means...
Pillory: Next caller.
Wary: ... that ...
Pillory: NEXT CALLER
Wary: (sigh) from Waldorf, Michigan.
Caller 5: Ms. Clinton, I agree with you whole-heartedly in every aspect
of your philosophy. Your views on the socio-political
ramifications of the subcouncious integral psychosexual male
egobarrier are simply brilliant. (Technical Jargon 10.)
Wary: What?
Pillory: Shut up, Wary.
Wary: Hey...
Pillory: Stay on the line caller, I'll discuss my new theories and
policies with you after the show.
Wary: Can I have my show back now?
Pillory: Yes, you may.
Wary: Next Caller from New Jonestown, Arkansas.
Caller 6: We just called to say that all five thousand of us here in New
Jonestown support you Ms Clinton, and we're holding a party in
your honor, hey, this many of us can't all be wrong. (aside)
Hey, is that Kool-Aid ready yet? (Numbers 11.)
Pillory: It's good to know that some americans are intelligent, thank
you for your support.
Wary: Next caller from Gernee, New Zealand.
Caller 6: 'ello, I can't see why you yanks dumped Bush, af'er all, you
know what they say. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
(Sophistical Formula 12.)
Wary: Excellent, my foreign friend.
Pillory: Just what we need, competitors telling us how to run our
country. This is what dragged us down in the first place.
(Causal Oversimplification 12).
Wary: Next Caller, after all we wouldn't want to run up his phone
bill.
Pillory: I have a few choice words for that man!
Wary: Too late Pillory, next caller from New Orleans, Louisiana.
Caller 7: Yeah, is this Geno's Bar?
Wary: No, wrong number
Caller 7: You sure this ain't Geno's?
Wary: Yes, this is Wary Klink, Live.
Caller 7: Oh, anyway, you really ought to try Geno's. It has awesome
food. Geno's is my favorite bar. In fact, why don't you come
to Geno's after work? (Repetition 13.)
Wary: Next caller from Fallax, Montana.
Caller 8: Clintons Must Die! Clintons Must Die! Clintons Must Die!
(Slogan 14.)
Wary: Next Caller.
Caller 9: Hi, I'm from Boston, and what I want to know is why people
would elect someone like you as President. I mean that's
like putting a serial killer in a nursing home. (Similie 15.)
Pillory: What is wrong with you people? What good could come from any
Republican, no matter how liberal? (Prejudice 16.)
Wary: Next Caller from Saldo, California.
Caller 10: Ms Clinton, I'm sure your administration will have long
lasting effects on the nations future. (Vagueness 17.)
Pillory: ... Thank You...
Wary: Next Caller from Juno Alaska.
Caller 11: Congratulations on winning the White House, Ms. Clinton. May
your term of office be short and uneventful.
Pillory: ...
Wary: Next caller from Little Rock Arkansas.
Caller 12: Honey, this is Fuzzy, what kind of peanut butter was I
supposed to get.
Pillory: Jif, Bill.
Caller 12: Oops, I got skippy, but you can't really blame me, after all,
I have so much to remember. All those bills you told me to
sign, an entire shopping list, what size panty hose you
wear... (Rationalization 18.)
Wary: Panty Hose?
Pillory: Bill, that was inappropriate.
Caller 12: Hey, if you can call me out of a disaster relief meeting to
tell me to pick up some tuna, I should certainly be able to
call you about peanut butter! (Nor Drawing the Line 19.)
Wary: Panty Hose?
Pillory: Is it too much for me to hope for that you would remember
three senteces together without a week's worth of coaching?
Caller 12: Next caller.
Wary: Hoboken, New Jersey. (aside) Panty Hose?
Caller 13: Hi, I'm a ultra-ultra left Marxist. I think that if we just
dissolved all the world governments, every one would stop
fighting and save the environment. (Wishful Thinking 20.)
Pillory: Sure, and Stalin was a humanitarian.
Wary: Next Caller from Nattlemeyer, Vermont
Caller 14: I am a Political Science professor from Mannington College
and I find that both sides have their merits. I feel that
more data must be gathered before we can decide if replacing
Bush was a positive step. (Academic Detatchment 21.)
Pillory: Look, we won't have any fence walkers in this administration!
Either you support the reforms we will make, or you are
against them, period. (Drawing the line 22.)
Wary: Gee, we have another caller, what a surprise.
Caller 15: Hey, I've got your number boss-lady. You claim that you want
to help the nation, yet your husband said, and I quote "...We
will if elected, ... raise taxes, ... send ... jobs
overseas,... and spend more..." (Quotation out of Context 23.)
Pillory: I don't recall him saying any such thing.
Caller 15: He said EVERY word of it ma'am.
Pillory: I'm sure he did SAY every word of it, just not all together.
(Emphasis 24.)
Wary: One last caller and then our time is up for the evening.
Kalleytrepp, your on the air.
Caller 16: Mrs. Clinton...
Pillory: Ms.
Caller 16: Excuse me?
Pillory: Ms., not Mrs. Mrs. is an archaic and degrading term whose
sole purpose is to keep women in their traditional role as
second class citizens.
Caller 16: Can you please define a "second class citizen"
Pillory: Certainly, one who is denied certain rights and privaleges
Caller 16: Such as?
Pillory: Such as... Well um, take for example..(Abstract Terms 25.)
Wary: That's all the time we have this evening, we'll see you next
week when we will have lame duck president George Bush as our
guest.
Remember, send praises, flames, and bomb threats to lhe...@unf6.cis.unf.edu!
--------
No, but on last night's tv show, Rush mentioned the new song, "Inhale to the
Chief."
November 11, 1992:
Bill Clinton (President-Elect) was at the Arkansas War Veterans Memorial
Service today. THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS. A DRAFT DODGER "honoring" war veterans
with his presence?
Okay, okay. Let's just put this in perspective.
Bill Clinton at the Veterans' Day Memorial is like:
* Sinead O'Connor at Burger King
* Willie Horton outside prison
* Jerry Brown having Earth citizenship
* Gloria Steinem chasing men
* Madonna teaching chastity
* Jack Kervorkian doing CPR
* Earth First! running a logging company
* Fidel Castro joining Amnesty International
* The Sacramento Kings at the NBA Playoffs
* Dr. Spock giving corporal punishment
* David Duke in the NAACP
* Van Halen teaching classical music
* Molly Yard in a swimsuit
* Steve "Dennis Hall" Chaney actually *being* "pro-life"
What Is A Deathocrat Made Of?
Oh, what is a Deathocrat made of?
Of purple haze and militant gaze.
That's what a Deathocrat's made of.
Of sullen cynics, abortion clinics.
That's what a Deathocrat's made of.
Of pseudo-scholars and guilt trip wallowers,
hollow woe hollerers and hollower followers,
cowerers, glowerers, frivolous borrowers.
That's what a Deathocrat's made of.
Party of the strange and twisted.
Champion of each vice once hissed at.
Mockers of the tried and true.
Seekers who have not A CLU.
Where kinky notions find a home,
from whence the dinky dollar is thrown
to anywhere unjustified
from out the middle class's hide.
Pretenders pressing vague agendas,
they pose as philanthropic menders.
Pitting class and class and class,
these scions of the stubborn ass.
Kill a tree and risk their might!!
Abortion? ... Why, a woman's right!
Depict George Bush as mad aggressor,
Castro as some quaint professor.
Appeasing all tyrants who act with bold violence,
with wishfullness, wistfullness, blissful dead silence,
they cheat on their spouses and back revolutions
where Marx and machine guns are posed as solutions.
They run in circles, swim in fees,
fly from responsibility.
A criminal will earn their pity
while victims mount in every city.
"The poor", they say, "we help upgrade!"
but back in 1978
with Democrats as the ruling tenants
of White House, Congress, and the Senate,
gaslines grew, inflation soared!
The poor did better under Ford.
Jimmy and Fritz looked pale and wan.
"Who can we possibly blame this on?"
The people, that's who, as they did when they said,
"Things are bad ... they won't get better.
It's not our fault. Go wear a sweater."
They spent other folks' money to garner votes and praises,
leaving indexed taxing brackets that meant automatic raises,
that moved the poor and middle class,
their 'special friends', they said,
to brackets where scant years before
the rich and fat had laid.
And when Reagan said at last, "Indexing has to go!",
they said, "The old will soon be dead!"
and similar cries of woe.
They cursed and wurst and fairly burst with ugly histrionics.
Inflation fell. But what the hell, it can't be Reaganomics!
The man's success left them a mess when he said with rhetoric blistery,
"The dreaded reds will make their beds on the old ash heap of history!
"Abortion is lethal and communists evil!!"
Oh, how these rubes are uncouth!
What gay-bashing, chauvinist, war-monger bigots!
When will they ever see truth?
So what is a Deathocrat made of?
What IS a Deathocrat made of?
Of moral despoilers, and strident annoyers,
devious lawyers, and porno mag voyeurs,
of prayer interdiction and socialist fiction,
stupid decisions and history revisions.
Of shear abdication as sex education,
equivocation and scorn for our nation.
Of asinine fratricide.
Bully for OUR side!
That's what a Deathocrat's made of.
AMEN!
I thought you'd all like to hear about the potential candidates meeting
with the Wizard of Oz...
First, President Bush went to see the Wizard and said, "Everyone says I have
no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart".
So the Wiz said,"So be it".
Second was Dan Quayle. He said to the Wiz, "People think I'm unintelligent
and have no common sense what so ever...I wish to have a Brain".
The Wiz said, "So be it".
Third was Ross Perot. "People say I have no confidence and I lack conviction...
..I wish to have some Courage".
And then Bill Clinton approached the Wizard.
The Wizard looked at him, and said, "Well, what do you want?"
To which Clinton replied, "I'm here for Dorothy!"
Those who say the Gang of Four in China are dead have been proven wrong by
the presense of Bill Clinton, Hilary Clinton, Tom Foley, Richard Gephardt,
and George Mitchell together in Little Rock last night. Let's hope there is
no conservative student rally in Lafayette Park or they will send in the only
tank of the U.S. Army on them.
Hiliary stopped using her maiden name when she found out from Gennifer who
the REAL Rodman was.
Q: What was Bill and Chelsie Clinton doing in the voting booth?
A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to sc#$w the people!
It has finally happened. The uneducated finally voted. I can't think of
anything funnier than what happened on Nov. 3, 1992. I heard this on the
news, honest, Mr. Bill "Why no, I didn't inhales, why do you ask?" Clinton
received more than 50% of the votes from people who did not graduate
highschool.
Sorry, but that does not make me feel comfortable.
I find it very difficult to believe that someone would vote for a person who
committed adultery, and lied, about the same thing, three times! This is
living proof that christian, or even pseudo-christian, morals have no place
in America.
Cudos to those for the funniest laugh I have ever had.
1) So what if Bill did it with Jennifer or Gennifer or
whatever her name is? A little playfulness doesn't seem to have
affected John F. Kennedy's standing as one of the great Presidents of
our history.
And in order to live up to his standard, if Clinton is elected, I guess he'll
have to fuck Madonna and get the CIA to stage her "suicide".
I thought you'd all like to hear about the potential candidates meeting
with the Wizard of Oz...
First, President Bush went to see the Wizard and said, "Everyone says I have
no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart".
So the Wiz said,"So be it".
Second was Dan Quayle. He said to the Wiz, "People think I'm unintelligent
and have no common sense what so ever...I wish to have a Brain".
The Wiz said, "So be it".
Third was Ross Perot. "People say I have no confidence and I lack conviction...
..I wish to have some Courage".
And then Bill Clinton approached the Wizard.
The Wizard looked at him, and said, "Well, what do you want?"
To which Clinton replied, "I'm here for Dorothy!"
What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Bill Clinton?
Figuring out what to do with the other 3K.
From The Wall Street Journal, 11/19, page one (reprinted w/out permission)
"Reality Sets In: Clinton Advisors Find
Promises are Easier to Make Than Keep"
----
"They are Drawing Up Lists of Tax Increases and Cuts in
Entitlement Programs / One Target: Big Corporations"
----------
"WASHINGTON -- Bill Clinton's advisors are already realizing that campaign
promises are easier to make than to keep. During the campaign, Mr. Clinton
promised not only to shield the middle class from tax increases but to cut
their taxes. He promised to halve the deficit in four years. He said his
rivals -- not he -- were the ones who would slash government benefits that
go to the middle class.
"...But now, a sobering reality is sinking in... the president-elect's new
economic transition team, headed by Harvard Prof. Robert Reich, is drafting
lists of spending cuts and tax increases -- euphemistically described as
'loophole closers' -- that go well beyond those in the economic plan set
forth during the Clinton campaign. One juicy target for new taxes: U.S.
corporations. A potential source of big spending cuts: the costly,
fast-growing 'entitlement' programs, many of which shower benefits on the
middle-class people Mr. Clinton promised to protect.
"...Simply put, Mr. Clinton has to decide -- much as President Bush did four
years ago -- whether to break his campaign promises early on, when he has the
most political capital, or later, when he might hope the public has forgotten
them.
"...many budget experts in both parties -- and some of them under
consideration for senior posts in the Clinton administration -- say it is
almost impossible to exempt the middle class from pain and reduce the
deficit substantially." [Quoted is Alice Rivlin, former head of CBO, said to
be under consideration for a 'top economic post.']
"...Rep. Leon Panetta, a California Democrat and House Budget Committee
chairman, says, 'If you're putting together a significant deficit-reduction
package, the middle class is going to carry part of that burden. There's no
way to avoid that."
"In another warning suggesting that he is thinking more seriously about the
deficit, [Clinton] recently said that 'all have to sacrifice and contribute
over the long run.' When pressed about his promised tax cut for middle-class
families [as published by the Clinton campaign; it's on paper], he didn't
exactly offer any guarantees..."
So the issue before us is this: Clinton's team has only NOW stumbled upon
the numbers that his opponents (and some media) were pointing to, all during
the campaign? The same facts, figures, and statistics that his team is now
using as a basis to break their promises are not new; they were available to
ANY citizen at ANY time during the campaign, in any dime-store almanac -- and
obviously ignored by the Clinton team.
In fact, the article includes a table -- again, available to any citizen who
cared to know the truth -- showing that families with incomes below $80,000
(the class Clinton promised to protect) accounted for 75% of the personal
income reported to the IRS in 1990. How can Clinton et al pretend that these
numbers didn't exist during the campaign?
One can only conclude that Clinton and his were completely ignorant of
reality -- and/or that they lied outright.
Four doctors, a German, a Frenchman, a Russian, and an American are
discussing state of the art medicine at an international doctors convention.
The Frenchmen proclaims "Ahh, medicine in France is so advanced that we can
put a liver in a man and have him back to work in 6 weeks."
The German says "That's nothing. In Germany we can put a lung in a man and
have him back to work in 4 weeks."
The Russian says "You guys know nothing about medicine. Surgery in Russia is
so advanced that we can take half a heart from one man, put it in another, and
have both out of bed and looking for work in 2 weeks."
The American doctor just shakes his head. "You are all so backward. We can
take an ***hole out of Arkansas, put him in the White House, and the very next
day half the country will be looking for work!"
Which is worse, a Vice-President who can't spell or a President who can't add?
Two guys are sitting at a bar talking politics when one asks the other what he
thinks Clinton should do with the abortion bill.
He replies "I think he should pay the damn thing."
This is a true fact. Shortly before Bill Clinton took the inaugural oath
of office, the band struck up the theme song from Monty Python.
If this was actually programmed by Clinton's staff, it may forbode an
interesting four years. Alternate theory: some undergraduates from
Caltech swapped the band's sheet music.
YOUR NEW OFFICIAL TAX FORM
1. Enter your social security number:
___-__-____
2. How much money did you make last year?
___________
3. Send it in.
4. How much money do you have in savings?
5. Send that in, too.
6. Please enter comments/complaints here: [ ]
Jesse's addendum:
Oh, BTW, we'll be taking your pension fund too.
And we're taxing your company out of existence. Please attach "YOUR NEW
OFFICIAL WELFARE APPLICATION FORM".
Clinton: "I will consult both sides of the issue on Free Trade."
Reporter: "Uh, That would be you Governor Clinton!"
The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important military parade of
the year. For 1992's parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev invited Bill Clinton to
come watch it with them.
The parade commenced with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of
infantry, followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They
had mobile ballistic missile launchers, electronic jamming vehicles, and
throughout the entire time the formations were overflown by squadrons of the
most advanced interceptors, fighters, and long-range tactical and strategic
bombers. Clinton, who had never been this close to war in his life, was
suitably impressed.
Then he noticed that, way back at the end of the parade, there was a
disorganized, messy bunch of men in rumpled suits tagging along behind the
last artillery pieces.
"Who are they?" he asked.
"Ah," said Yeltsin, "those are our economists!"
"But I thought this parade was military..." said Clinton, confused.
"Mr. Clinton," said Gorbachev, "have you SEEN the damage those men can do?"
Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.
Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did?
A: A dead girlfriend.
I just heard that Bill Clinton visited the White House a couple of days ago
and got quite a surpirse. I guess he was jogging one morning and saw that
someone had written "Clinton Sucks!" in the snow (you know, yellow snow?).
Anyway, Clinton was furious and ordered an investigation. And so after the
investigation was completed Clinton demanded the results. The head of the
Secret Service said "Well Sir, we have a problem. We did tests on the urine
and determined that it belonged to Jesse Jackson, but that's not the problem.
The problem is that it is Hillary's handwriting!"
"On the first day of Clinton, he promised we will see a tax cut for you and
for me.
"On the second day of Clinton, he promised we will see two more million jobs,
and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the third day of Clinton, he promised we will see three liberal judges,
two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the fourth day of Clinton, he promised we will see four balanced budgets,
three liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the fifth day of Clinton, he promised we will see five folding wings of
the Air Force. Four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two more million
jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the sixth day of Clinton, he promised we will see six billion in aid to
students, five folding wings of the Air Force. Four balanced budgets, three
liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the seventh day of Clinton, he promised we will see seven days a week of
health care, six billion in aid to students, five folding wings (of the Air
Force). Four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two more million jobs,
and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the eighth day of Clinton, he promised we will see aid to Somalia, seven
days a week of health care, six billion in aid to students, five folding wings
(of the Air Force). Four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two more
million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the ninth day of Clinton, he promised we will see `nein' to German
competitors, aid to Somalia, seven days a week of health care, six billion in
aid to students, five folding wings (of the Air Force). Four balanced budgets,
three liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the tenth day of Clinton, he promised we will see attention to the
deficit, `nein' to German competitors, aid to Somalia, seven days a week of
health care, six billion in aid to students, five folding wings (of the Air
Force). Four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two more million jobs,
and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the eleventh day of Clinton, he promised we will see eleven billion for
Boris, attention to the deficit, `nein' to German competitors, aid to Somalia,
seven days a week of health care, six billion in aid to students, five folding
wings (of the Air Force). Four balanced budgets, three liberal judges, two
more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me.
"On the twelfth day of Clinton, he promised we will see twelve jobs for
Hillary, eleven billion for Boris, attention to the deficit, `nein' to German
competitors, aid to Somalia, seven days a week of health care, six billion in
aid to students, five folding wings (of the Air Force). Four balanced budgets,
three liberal judges, two more million jobs, and a tax cut for you and for me."
LITTLE ROCK --- Right before Christmas, President-elect Bill Clinton lost his
voice, probably because of allergies to all the Christmas greenery at the
Arkansas governor's mansion. The President-elect puts up with the allergies
to get in the holiday spirit -- he "hangs pine garlands and mistletoe," but
he was surprised they bothered him because he doesn't inhale. An aide said
the allergies are "nothing to worry about," they just make the president-elect
stuffed up and irritable. The future President was quoted as saying something
like "I doad doe whad de fug yur talkin' aboud. I feel fide. I could
negoadiate a tready. Bud off. Get owda here." Given how often he loses his
voice, his aides say the President-elect is learning "an internationally
understandable set of gestures," in case he has to negotiate when he is
totally voiceless and cranky.
In a related story, Clinton aides refused to explain why there is
mistletoe hung over such odd locations as the secretarial pool, near the
women's restroom, and on Gennifer Flower's automobile dashboard.
Well, we're now a week into the Clinton administration, and the problems
of the nation have been solved. Taxes on the middle class have been cut.
President Clinton has taken a stance against waste and ordered a 10%
across-the-board cut in government spending, and a national health care
plan has been put together to provide basic medical services at a
reasonable cost, one which will be competitive with commercial insurers.
Ha ha, only kidding....
Actually, Mr. Slick has barely figured out how to operate the desk phone
in the oval office, and the feces are striking the ventilation equipment
with a rythym that might make for a good rap tune.
The leaders of the Senate - folks like Dan Moynihan and Sam Nunn (both
democrats, BTW) are looking downright embarassed at the simultaneous
display of supreme arrogance and ignorace that seems to characterize the
Clinton administration. Republican house members are being
uncharacteristically quiet - perhaps just letting Mr. Slick select his
rope?
(Another possibility is that we will see a congress and senate that will
realize that they basically have a loose cannon in the White House, and
do their best to minimize the damage. And the thought of Congress being
more responsible than the president is Scary. Stock-up-on-ammunition-
and-canned-goods type of Scary.)
Taxes: Better get out the vaseline, folks: That 4% tax increase that was
only going to apply to people making over $200k looks like it might
actually be 8%, and the folks making less than half that $200k figure
are getting ready for a "regrettable necessity" announcement expected in
the next couple of months. The latest estimate is that, if he wants to
provide any cut, even to the absolute lowest brackets, he's going to
have to start boosting taxes at a family income of about $50k.
Oh, and everybody better get used to paying more for gas: Al Gore (who
has done something remarkable by making Dan Quayle look like a model of
sophistication and intellect) has discovered oxygenated gas. Even though
it's been proved irrefutably that this has no measurable benefit (and,
in fact, several drawbacks - one of them being a significantly higher
cost). Oh, and you're going to be getting slapped with an Energy Tax,
but poor folks might be entitled to a rebate from an agency whose
existance will be paid for with the gas tax, and whose sole purpose will
be to administer the collection and disbursement of energy taxes.
Latest news is that, even with the worst-case tax increases, Clinton's
health plan will end up gobbling up more money than his spending cuts
and tax increases will raise, and boost the deficit just a teensy,
weensy bit. Say a couple hundred billion or so. And that's from the
democratic spin doctors, who are making a valiant effort at damage
control, so you can be pretty sure that the Actual Mileage Will Probably
Be Lower.
I can sense a feeling in America, something like that of a drunk waking
up on Saturday morning, going "oh God, what did I do?" Well, folks, a
couple of Tylenol ain't even going to touch the headache that Slick
"Night Train" Clinton is going to give you! When Clinton was elected, I
hoped that I'd be able to get a few laughs at his spastic attempts to
manage the country - but what I'm presented with, reading the paper
every day, is an embarassment of riches. The man makes George Bush look
like a distinguished elder statesman.
Slick Willy's Queen Berets (sung to the tune of The Green Berets)
Falling fairies from the skies;
I broke a nail, oh I could cry;
Don't you like how my tushy sways;
We are the fags of the Queen Berets.
Slick Willy's words upon my ears;
"You guys have rights, be proud you queers;"
I once was scared, now I'm OK;
Cause I'm a fag in the Queen Berets.
Put silver earclips on our nuts;
We love the pain, now spank our butts,
The way you walk is awfully cute;
I sure would love to pack your chute.
This Army stuff is really slick;
Free meals and clothes and lots of dick;
When I retire, I'll still get paid;
So thank you Bill, from the Queen Berets.
When my lover gets aids, I will not worry;
If the government won't pay we'll leave it to the jury;
All medical bills paid, I'm no longer afraid;
Thank you tax payers, from the Queen Berets.
I can't wait to jump in a fox hole;
I just hope that it's with Bob Hope;
They say he cares about all us soldiers;
We'll find out, when my hands are on his shoulders.
At the end of day we turn out the lights;
Practice torpedo runs into the night;
Then we practice our fencing, I thay touche;
We are the fags of the Queen Berets.
======================================================
FROM NATIONAL REVIEW, February 15 1993, The Week, p.14
======================================================
"Little noted by the press, vegetable-rights activists raided the
kitchen of the Willard Hotel in Washington, D.C., and liberated
several vegetables and fruits that were to be murdered and eaten by
PETA at its inauguration gala."
What's clintor's executive order #1?
Flowers by his bedside.
Did you hear that Dr. Kevorkian has renamed his death machine
"CLINTONATOR"?
Unlike a respirator it doesn't let the patient inhale.
(I think this came from Rush L.)
The way the tax scheme will run in the next few years:
1993: Anyone who earns more than $25,000 a year and is not working for a
federal, state, or local gov't agency is RICH and will be taxed into poverty.
1994: Anyone who earns more than $25,000 a year is RICH and will be taxed into
poverty.
1995: Anyone who is not working for a federal, state, or local gov't agency is
RICH and will be taxed into poverty.
1996: Anyone who earns is RICH and will be taxed into poverty.
("Clinton presidency" is a tasteless joke in itself.)
Besides, where's the Gore quote during the inauguration:
AG: Who's that guy? (pointing to a bust of ...)
Guide: That's President George Washington. (after he had said it about
a minute before)
There's also Chelsea's "rash" comment: She needed medication at Sidwell
Friends, and the nurse couldn't give her any medication without having
contacted the parents. Chelsea said something like, "Oh that's okay. My
mom's been pretty busy lately. Better call my dad."
1993
HILLary, BILLarY, Socks
Its time to sell my stocks
The market is down
And the clown's in town
HILLary, BILLarY, Socks
1994
HILLary, BILLarY, Socks
I must sell my smocks
National Healthcare is in
How can I win?
HILLary, BILLarY, Socks
1995
HILLary, BILLarY, Socks
I think I'll sell my socks
My feet will be cold
But I am not old
HILLary, BILLarY, Socks
1996
HILLary, BILLarY, Socks
I now live in a box
Thanks for the crate
But the TAX was too great
HILLary, BILLarY, Socks
Hillary, Billary, Sock.
I now live in a box.
I once lived in a crate,
But the tax was too great.
Hillary, Billary, Sock.
Hillary, Billary, Socks.
The economy's taking hard knocks.
We voted to end...
We got "tax and spend"
Hillary, Billary, Socks.
Hillary, Billary, Socks.
Credibility's on the rocks.
From: a chicken in every pot.
To: a chicken who smoked pot.
Hillary, Billary, Socks.
(okay, so the meter's a little off ;-)
Hillary, Billary, Socks.,
My Taxes are up like my cock.
Took a look down,
But all I could do was frown,
Because the government removed my crown.
-Ross Perot '93
Hillary Billary Socks.
The First Lady wears the jocks.
Jennifer said
He's good in bed,
But the voters don't give a shnocks.
Hillary Billary Socks.
They listen when She talks.
"Now listen to me,"
Said she to he,
"Or else I'll change the locks."
Hillary Billary Socks.
The Congress of Hard Knocks.
Please send a fax
To axe the tax,
Or else they'll clean our clocks.
Hillary, Socks, and Bill.
The conservatives have had their fill.
The liberals are back.
And on the attack.
And finally paying that bill. (alternate last line: The conservatives are
best told to chill.
Hillary, Billary, Socks,
The Dems are breaking gridlocks.
Now won't it be fun
to see something get done.
While the right-wing is taking it's knocks.
Hillary, Socks, and Bill
The Liberals say now they will
pay off the debt
with the poor well kept
It's straight from Capitol Hill
But the libs are in for a scare
Cause Slick Willy just isn't aware
That raising our tax
And spending the max
Will leave our economy bare.
Hillary, Socks, and Bill
The Liberals say now they will
pay off the debt
with the poor well kept
It's straight from Capitol Hill
But the libs are in for a scare
Cause Slick Willy just isn't aware
That raising our tax
And spending the max
Will leave our economy bare.
You can sing it to the tune of "I'm Popeye the Sailor Man."
Hillary, Billary,, Socks....
Bill likes men who suck cocks.
Can the Army cope,
While picking up the soap?
Hillary, Billary, Socks....
Hillary, Billary, Socks
Now empty are our Docks
The tariffs so high
They reach the sky
Hillary, Billary, Socks
Hillary, Billary, Socks
The mice ran up the clock
The tax hit all
Except the Ball
Hillary, Billary, Socks
Hillary, Billary, Socks
How empty are our docks
The taxes hit and down we fell
Except for those on the Hill
Hillary, Billary, Socks
I've heard there's a new programming language out from
University of Tennessee. It's called Algor.
There are some problems with it though. The syntax is very
formal and inflexible. And it's not a very powerfull language either,
since it won't allow you to alter the operating environment.
Personally, I don't think it'll be even around in four years.
Everyone complained when Quayle misspelled potato. How come no one's been
screaming about Clinton's gaffe? He clearly spelled BUTT incorrectly when
he said, "I'm gonna tax your BTU's..." -- Tony
(to the tune of "THE ADAMS FAMILY")
They're slimy and they're cheesy
They're dedicated P.C.
They're altogether sleazy
The Clinton Family
da da da da tax tax
da da da da tax tax
da da da da da da da da da da da da tax tax
Their policies are daft
They'll gladly accept graft
Bill dodged the draft
The Clinton Family
da da da da
da da da da
da da da da da da da da da da da da tax tax
They're politics will disgrace
Your income will be displaced
Their daughter is a dog-face
The Clinton Family
da da da da
da da da da
da da da da da da da da da da da da tax tax
The wife is a commie
The husband is balmy
The A.G. is not a mommie
The Cinton Family
da da da da
da da da da
da da da da da da da da da da da da tax tax
Hillary, Billary, Socks,
Our prez is taking knocks,
We all have played,
But the bills need paid,
Hillary, Billary, Socks.
[RADIO 30 SEC. SPOT]
[SFX - OFFICE SOUNDS IN B.G.]
[ROY]
Hey, Dale - I didn't expect to see you at work - I heard you got
fired last week.
[DALE]
I was. But that was before I asserted my rights under the Family
Leave Plan.
[ROY]
But, Dale - you don't HAVE a family.
[DALE]
A minor detail, Roy. I called the Law Firm of Rodham & Clinton and
they took my case, got my job back, got my gay brother an
officer's commision in the Army, and promised to line my wallet
with the cash they're gonna get my soaking my middle-class, fat-cat
boss! I'm on Easy Street. Why, I'm as good as tenured! They
couldn't fire me now if they WANTED to!
[SFX - FADE OUT]
[ANNOUNCER]
Are you out of work? Do you care? At the Law Firm of Rodham &
Clinton, we don't care if you've ever put in an honest day's
work in your life. We think you deserve all the money you can get,
regardless of your ability or willingness to work. Call today, and
ask about our "Buy Now, Suffer Later" program. Your first
consultation is free. As an added bonus, the first 50 callers will
receive, absolutely free, a pair of monogrammed rose-colored
glasses, and a list of promises not worth the paper they're
printed on. So if you're one of the "motivationally challenged" and
want to get what you feel is coming to you, don't wait. Call
today!
[ANNOUNCER #2 - TAG ENDING]
The Law Firm of Rodham & Clinton is a Professional Abbomination,
licensed to steal in 50 States and in the District of Columbia.
Call us today! The Law Firm of Rodham & Clinton - where "Soak the
Rich (and the not-so-rich) is our ONLY business!
BTW - if they get divorced, do you think Hillary will get to keep
the house?
Hillary Billary Socks.
The President's head's full of rocks.
He wants us to pay
More in taxes today.
Guess I'll have to wear holes in my socks.
Hillary Billary Socks.
The President's head's full of rocks.
His back's made of noodles
His cat chases poodles,
And his wife stirs a cauldron in frocks.
Hillary Billary Socks.
Let's stuff them all into a box.
Then drive down the road
With the slippery load
And hope it don't wear out the shocks.
Slick Willie you making us gag,
Your plan is NOT in the bag,
Your giving us the curse,
Now what could be worse?
4 years with Hillary on the rag!
Hey Bill, the truth cant be ducked,
In '96 the Dems will be bucked,
If they dont take it on the chin,
And we vote the bastards back in,
This nation will surely be fucked!
Slick-Willie, you make us gag,
Your plan is NOT in the bag,
You're giving us the curse,
Now what could be worse?
4-years with Hillary on the rag.
Hey Bill, the truth can't be ducked,
In '96 the dems will be bucked,
If you don't take it on the chin,
And we vote you bastards back in,
This nation will surely be fucked!
Hillary, Billary, Socks.
The Prez to the nation now talks:
"I'll cut spending," he said
"Just as soon as I'm dead."
Hillary, Billary, Socks.
Everyone complained when Quayle misspelled potato. How come no one's been
screaming about Clinton's gaffe? He clearly spelled BUTT incorrectly when
he said, "I'm gonna tax your BTU's..." -- Tony
There are too many bills to pay without having to pay the one in washington.
As I was walking out of the county recreation center today
I noticed a slide flash on a closed circuit TV display that
announced:
Animal Lover's Dance,
at Hidden Pond
Now I realize that Bill and Hillary are in the White House
and we're rid of a lot of those puritanical sexual hangups
of the Bush administration, but is this REALLY the sort of
thing our tax dollars should be sponsoring?
A little publicized Grammy Award:
In the category, best new government artist
"Baby, Give it Back" by Sir Tax-a-Lot (William Jefferson Clinton)
Hospital sources report that Defense Secretary Les Aspin
is having a "change of heart" about gays in the military.
Health care costs rise uncontrollably. In England, they have begun
rationing health care services and in some cases they have waiting lists
for certain services. In fact, they now have a nine month waiting list for
abortions.
Clinton told his wife: I am sick of politics and formal life.
Why don't you take a break and relax? She asked. He asked how?
She said I've heard of this place in DC on a hill on the ocean,
we can go there as anonymous and be ourselves. So they both
descized (sp?) themselves; dressed up in normal cheap clothing,
and drove a cheapy car to the location. They got in a
romantic-kissing-and-*** atmosphere, the police shows up,
Police: Give me some id young man; you are under arrest.
BIll : Why, I've never done anything like this before, forget
about my id, PLEASE.
Police: I don't have to go thru this everyday, I know you've never
done it, but this bitch with you comes here everyday .
Hillary Clinton is NOT running the country. Elanor Roosevelt is :-)
(If case you don't know, Hillary has admitted to having private,
imaginary conversations with Elanor Ro0osevelt)
CLINTON'S APPOINTMENTS
HOUSING LEONA HELMSLEY
TRANSPORTATION TED KENNEDY
TREASURY C. KEATING
VET. ADMIN JANE FONDA
EDUCATION DAN QUAYLE
HEALTH DR. KERVORKIAN
CIA ROSS PEROT
NASA JERRY BROWN
HOUSE SPEAKER STOCKDALE
HEALTH/HUMAN RES. MAGIC JOHNSON
LABOR MURPHY BROWN
PROTOCOL ROSEANN BARR
EEO DAVID DUKE
FAMILY VALUES WOODY ALLEN
WHITE HOUSE STAFF JENNIFER FLOWERS
DRUG CZAR MARION BARRY
"Today that President Clinton commenced the first round of White
House staff cuts. It is also reportedly the first time
Mr. Clinton has given a woman a pink slip that he hasn't asked
her to try on first..."
Did you know Bill Clinton has AIDS?
What do you expect when you screw everyone in the country?
Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a
Gas station. As the guy was filling up their car (he was dressed
like a typical grease-jockey) he said to Hillary "I went to High
School with you". She recognized him and agreed with him.
Later as they were driving down the road Bill said "If you had
married him you wouldn't be married to the President".
Hillary said "O yes I would - He would be President."
here are some names for our 42nd president:
Commander-in-thief
Wilhelm von TaxUndSpendenHeim
Bilhelm von Bubbastein
Wilhelm von KleinerStein (Lil' Rock Ark. in german!)
Hillary Rodham
One-term-Willy-Nilly
the Great Pretender
Bilhelm HotAirenHof
etc...
I came up with this idea for a different kind of version of Fleetwood's
Don't Stop, I thought it was fitting since Clinton and Gore played this song
at their election party.
> "Don't Stop" (real lyrics have "> >" before them)
>
> (original words by Christine McVie of Fleetwood Mac)
>
> If you wake up and don't want to smile,
> If it takes just a little while,
> Open your eyes and look at the day,
> You'll see things in a different way.
If you wake up and don't want to file
It takes just a little while
Open your eyes and you're gonna pay
You'll see things in Hillary's way
> Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
> Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
> It'll be, better than before,
> Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
Don't start thinking about low taxes
Don't start, cause they won't be here,
They'll be, higher than before,
Reagan is gone, Reagan is gone
> Why not think about times to come,
> And not about the things that you've done,
> If your life was bad to you,
> Just think what tomorrow will do.
Why not think about bad times to come,
And not about the things that you've won,
If your life was bad to you,
Just think what Bill Clinton will do!!
> Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
> Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
> It'll be, better than before,
> Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
Don't start thinking about low taxes,
Don't start, cause they won't be here,
They'll be, higher than before,
Clinton/Gore won, Clinton/Gore won
> All I want is to see you smile,
> If it takes just a little while,
> I know you don't believe that it's true,
> I never meant any harm to you.
All I want is to see you file,
It takes just a little while,
I know you don't believe that it's true,
I never meant any promise to you.
> Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
> Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
> It'll be, better than before,
> Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
Don't start, thinking about your money,
Don't start, it'll soon be here,
It'll be used, better than before,
Reagan is gone, Reagan is gone.
> Don't you look back,
Don't you feel taxed
> Don't you look back.
Don't you feel taxed
Dateline: Washington, DC February 26, 1993
When questioned by reporters shortly after the World Trade Center
terrorist bomb exploded, the President responded, "If Congress will
just pass the Brady Bill, I'll sign it." Mr. Clinton further said, "If
the passage of this much needed legislation had not been obstructed by
the National Rifle Association, this senseless tragedy would not have
occurred, because there would have been a mandatory seven day waiting
period in place before this assault-type car bomb could have been
used." In closing, Mr. Clinton said, "I urge Congress to break the
gridlock and act today to prevent further atrocities of this kind from
occurring."
Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
A: NO FEE - If No Recovery!!!
NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. (UPI) -- President Clinton said Monday life is
more dangerous in America than in war-torn Somalia for many people
because of a glut of firearms and endorsed passage of a bill requring a
five-day waiting period before a handgun may be purchased.
Bumper sticker on Arkansan car:
If you can read this
You're not from here
The Secret Service has been worried by Bill Clinton's practice
of taking early morning jogs. They got a real scare the other
day when somebody threw a beer at the president. Fortunately,
it turned out to have been a draft, and Clinton was able to
dodge it.
"I celebrated Presidents' Day in an authentic manner. I jogged to McDonald's,
had a couple Big Macs, broke some promises from a couple months ago, and
then took some money from some average middle-class citizens."
Subject: Heard this on CNN
A condom manufacturer, trying to capitalize on the popularity (?) of
President Bill Clinton, is introducing a new line of condoms called the
"Slick Willie."
[I assume its lubricated...]
Bill Clinton will launch health consciousness campaign and promote
jogging and reportedly he asked Hillary would she run.
"No", she said,"not now, not until '96."
Hillary, Billary, and Socks,
with the Clintons, the White House surly rocks.
But will the nation come to grips,
when, in the spirit of "Read my lips",
we fill in more in the "Amount you owe" box.
CLINTONIA - any of a genus of herbs of the lily family with
yellow flowers on a naked stalk.
Mr. Clinton at first said that he would immediately let gays serve in the
military, but of late he's been saying he has to study the matter.
At first i said to myself, "Oh, come ON, Mr. Clinton, it's beginning to look
like you made this particular promise to appeal to a consituency and now that
you've gotten elected you're backpedaling", but matters are more complex and
subtle than i then realized. I was looking up an unrelated matter in the
online Ada Reference Manual, and I see the following examples of incomplete
types [3.8.1]:
Examples of mutually dependent access types:
type PERSON(SEX : GENDER); -- incomplete type declaration
type CAR; -- incomplete type declaration
type PERSON_NAME is access PERSON;
type CAR_NAME is access CAR;
type CAR is
record
NUMBER : INTEGER;
OWNER :PERSON_NAME;
end record;
type PERSON(SEX : GENDER) is
record
NAME : STRING(1 .. 20);
BIRTH : DATE;
AGE : INTEGER range 0 .. 130;
VEHICLE : CAR_NAME;
case SEX is
when M => WIFE : PERSON_NAME(SEX => F);
when F => HUSBAND : PERSON_NAME(SEX => M);
end case;
end record;
MY_CAR, YOUR_CAR, NEXT_CAR : CAR_NAME; -- implicitly initialized with
null value
GACK! Ada is, of course, a DOD project.
Of COURSE Mr. Clinton can't let gays into the military immediately -- they
would need to rewite the Ada manual. Further study is indeed needed.
--
* Nathan Mates nat...@cco.caltech.edu * MSC #850, Pasadena CA 91126
* No fancy quote, no disclaimers for irate employers, no .sig-- oops,
* Too late for that! Several Megabyte joke collector and IIGS hacker
* operating out of Caltech, the world's best place for an education!
Nathan Mates
Note:
This list is being maintained by Nathan Mates, nat...@cco.caltech.edu, or
MSC #850, Caltech, Pasadena, CA 91126-0001. Please send any submissions to
one of the two addresses. You can freely distribute this file as long as this
message remains intact.
_The Star Spangled Banner_
(revised for co-president Bill)
Oh, say can you see, a Clinton presidency?
Where we all get poor
Albeit e-qual-ly
Whose broad is he sleeping with?
Did he inhale or just take a whiff?
Character's not an issue,
Make Ted Kennedy president.
From the White House West Wing
You can hear Flowers scream
And the guv'ment's red ink
Gets worse with each week.
Oh, say does Billy Clinton remind you of Jimmy?
In the land of free health care and no GNP.
---Ralph D. Taite
---BTW, the President won't get mad about this will she, Bill?
Yeah ralph ole hillary is uppity isn't she. she should just sit back in
the closet like pat nixon, betty ford et al - drinking and popping pills.
At least with people like you around America will never be short of
greedy little bastards who run long on stupidity - a toothless cog in
the machine.
---Craig M. Todd
>> a 200 dollar hair cut? What kind of example does that set?
>>
>> I thought that he would be more caring about the feelings of the poor.
>> (heh heh)
>> :-)
>
> Oh, a $200 haircut isn't going to hurt anyone. Where are the people
> who were complaining about Bush's buying socks for the grandkids at
> the mall, and Nancy Reagan's designer gowns?
Speaking of double standards -- remember all the hooting & ridicule when Bush
bought a few pairs of socks? Oddly, when Golden Boy took to the stores to
buy shirts -- and parroted, practically verbatim, Bush's "doing my part to
stimulate the economy" remark -- those same voices were silent.
What a difference ideology makes.
GRIDLOCK (n), term denoting Congressional resistance to the President's
agenda. This term may be used ONLY when Clinton's agenda is opposed by
Congressional Republicans (i.e., Bob Dole, R-KS). Not to be confused with
"meaningful debate" or "healthy disagreement", an identical situation
that exists when the President's agenda is stymied by Congressional
Democrats (i.e., Dave Boren, D-OK).
Q: What does Jeff Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have
in common?
A: They both look like the work of a butcher...
Q: If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the
Clampents?
A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintence in the 6th grade.
Military investigators finally found the reason for the
Presidential helicopter crash. The helicopter, which had
been used by Clinton on his trip to the aircraft carrier
Theodore Roosevelt, went down last week in Maryland,
killing four crew members.
Yeah, they found pieces of Bill's hair in a bearing assembly...
After an intensive study of the presidnet's personal life, it has been
determined that he is not a heterosexual, a bisexual, or even a
homosexual.
He is suffering from the rare infliction of egosexual since he is
constantly screwing himself.
"We're a rock-and-roll band and we'll bring down the house the way Bill is
going to bring down the country!" -- Roger Clinton
Some key definitions to help decode Clinton's speeches. More will be added
as the president's meaning becomes clear. Remember, do not attach
meaning to words, it's symbolism that is important.
all - Clinton's constituency. as: We ALL must make sacrifices
to restore America's economic health.
ask - Clintoneze for legislate. i.e. asking:legislating
campaign - actually, this is a misspelling. It really is champagne
promise promise.
change - (verb) redefinition of the term "tax cut" to its true
meaning, "contribution". (noun) that portion of your
income that will now be heading to Washington, as:
The CHANGE we are asking for is necessary if we are to
restore America's (and, uh, Washington's) economy to number
one in the world.
contribution - that portion of your "excess" income that Washington
believes it can make better use of than you. This
'90s term is designed to make you feel good while
Uncle Sam picks your pocket.
Formerly known unpopularly as "taxes" (shhh. don't say the T
word out loud, it's not politically correct).
courage - ability to perform a humanitarian act or deed without regard
to personal safety or welfare. as: America had the COURAGE
to elect Bill Clinton as president.
first lady - this term has been replaced by the title "co-president"
middle class - that portion of society whose range of income extends from
the end of the poor to the beginning of the wealthy.
Also known as the mule class or the "burdened" class.
poor - what the middle class becomes after it makes
its contribution.
sacrifice - Clintoneze for the act of denying self in order to
make your contribution. as: We must SACRIFICE for
the good of all.
Formerly known as socialism, it has proven itself
effective in places such as China, Cuba, Rumania and
the Soviet Union. One need only talk to citizens
of these nations to see the effect.
spending cuts- What the president promised during his campaign. He will
help you make these by asking you to have the courage to make
your contribution. as: Increased contributions must be
balanced by the appropriate SPENDING CUTS.
we - You, me, us, them. as: You know WE must sacrifice for
the good of all.
Since the president and congress are none of the above,
they are not part of we.
wealthy - anyone making $1.00 a year more than you.
(elected officials are exempt).
This is the class of society that, to quote Commerce
Secretary, Ron Brown, "made out like bandits during the
'80's". Mr. Brown didn't do too shabby himself during that
time. He made hundreds of thousands annually lobbying
congress on behalf of several major Japanese corporations.
Of course now he is just a humble "servant" of the people.
Terry Peres
: For the record, the haircut was not a $200 one, but more like a $50K or $70K one,
: counting the expense for keeping AF1 idling. What it cost to the airliners
: circling around in the sky is anyone's guess.
Sorry to correct you dave, but the money spent by the private airlines to
keep their planes in the air for an hour will Bilzo got his haircut cannot
be considered an expense to the taxpayer.
No, it was an "Investment in America" on the part of the airlines.
Good one! anyone else notice that the Clinton group is now number TEN
in articles posted to the net? Could there be a corelation here? As
his popularity drops, he shuvels out more of his bull?
A father from Little Rock was
overheard talking to his son
at the Arkansa State Fair.
Father: M R MIDDLE CLASS
Son : M R KNOT
Father: S A R
Father: C M M T POCKETS
Son : L I B
Son : M R MIDDLE CLASS
(of things to come!)
As you know, there were many candidates for National Bird. Franklin
favored the wild turkey which is a tough resourceful bird, totally unlike
the butterball thing you buy at ThanksGiving. Others favored the American
Bald Eagle because it looked fierce and noble.
Bill Clinton's choice for National Bird, is the Yellow Bellied Sap Sucker.
Co-President Rodhams choice is either the Shrike (the female of which,
castrates its mate after coupling, [Watch your balls, Bill!]) or the
Harpie which is a kind of vulture. Harpies were the birds that tore out
Prometheus' liver because he had the temerity to bring down fire from the
Home of the Gods.
Labor Secretary Reich's choice is the mineature budgie, a dimunitive bird
that talks much and says little. Ms. Reno's choice is no doubt the Jail Bird.
The Liberal Media have only been telling part of the haircut story, my
conservative friends.
It seems that while Bill was getting his haircut, he also got a manicure.
Actually, being a country boy and all, Bill did know for sure what a
manicure was a first, but the manicurist was a beautiful woman wearing a
very revealing low-cut blouse. So he sat quietly and enjoyed the view.
Just as the haircut was done, the manicurist was finishing up, and looked
up and asked Bill: "Do you want your cuticles push back?"
"Aww no, that's OK", replied Bill, "it'll be all right when I stand up."
[On the claim that "lying" should be grounds to nullify an election:]
"If that's the standard, President Clinton could get the death penalty
at this point." -- Jay Leno
Subject: We were so poor that...
We were so poor that even Bill Clinton's tax plan would'nt call us rich.
Bill: ``Guess what! I just heard that George and Washington aren't husband
and wife!''
Hillary: ``What difference does it make as long as they love each other.''
What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby?
To sit in the Oval Office and collect du
Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, Bill Clinton.
Gonorrhea --- it can be cured.
Why is Bill Clinton not circumcized? [per Gennifer Flowers]
It would involve throwing away the best part.
Why did a Bill Clinton send an unsigned check for a hundred dollars to a
charity?
He wanted to make an anonymous contribution.
RECIPE FOR: DEMOCRATIC PARTY MIX
INGREDIENTS:
All kinds of: FRUITS, NUTS and FLAKES.
Liberal portion of PORK.
Enough dark chocolate to meet the required QUOTA.
DIRECTIONS:
Mix all ingredients well. (Must be stirred up by a FEMINIST).
Cook over a BURNING AMERICAN FLAG until HALF-BAKED.
Soak in CHEAP LIQOUR for a week, sprinkle with diced FETUS,
garnish with whole POT leaves, and serve FLAMING.
**This recipe is based on Ideal Conditions. If everything
is not Ideal then it will not work at all.
SERVING SUGGESTIONS:
Best if eaten with your MISTRESS while high, drunk and standing
on the American Flag at an NEA sponsored HOMOSEXUAL bondage art
exhibit during a PRO-ABORTION rally lead by FEMI-NAZI Hillary Clinton.
WARNING:
Not for Human Consumption. Only LIBERALS can eat this substance.
If accidentally ingested by a conservative, simply induce
vomiting. The best way to do this is to go to an NEA art exhibit,
listen to some obscene rap music, or watch the democratic national
convention.
Clinton Economic Axioms
Taxing smoking will reduce smoking.
Taxing alcohol will reduce drinking.
Taxing energy will reduce energy consumption.
Taxing business will increase business.
Taxing health care will increase health care.
Taxing productivity will increase productivity.
Restricting trade will increase trade.
Cabinet meeting...
Janet Reno: Good morning, Hillary!
Hillary Ramrod Clintor: mmmm! mmmm! (sticks her tongue out and
mumbles) Excuse me, I've got an erection.
Why is Hillary suing Bill for divorce?
Because he's doing to everybody what he should only be doing to her.
Who was the biggest corporate contributor to Clinton's campaign?
Snap-On Tools, Inc.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AMERICAN K.I.A. POOL
RULES: 1. Put your name in the appropriate space
2. Put your guess of the date and time President Clinton will get
the first American killed in Bosnia in the appropriate space
3. Enter as often as you can afford
4. Each entry costs one (1) young person in reasonably good
fighting trim
WINNERS: Will receive a reasonable facimile of a Presidential
condolence letter and a genuine replica of the
purple heart the deceased family gets! Impress your
friends!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date of first
Name of young person American K.I.A.
Your Name: (Entry Fee): in Bosnia:
========================== ============================== ================
__________________________ ______________________________ ________________
__________________________ ______________________________ ________________
__________________________ ______________________________ ________________
__________________________ ______________________________ ________________
__________________________ ______________________________ ________________
Top 10 Pet Peeves of Algor
10. He's just a heartbeat away from obscurity
9. All those Big Mac wrappers on the White House lawn
7. Having to be Roger's designated driver
6. All that practice spelling 'potato'
5. (missed also, damn)
4. WWF superstars won't answer their mail
3. (can't read my handwriting here, ack)
2. Press forgets that he had an affair with Gennifer also
1. Getting buried alive
Rumor has it that President Clinton is considering starting a new career
as a book wholesaler. He is said to be especially interested in the former
best-seller, "The Peter Principle". Even his harshest critics think that
Mr. Bill may be on to something this time.
The media has come up with some good nicknames for Bill Clinton,
is anyone keeping a list?
Actually, this would apply to almost anyone he comes in contact with
I suppose. (Al Gore, Hillary, socks...;)
There's Billary, Al "Captain Planet" Bore, Slick Willy(old),
The Capitol Hillbillies (Did the Capitol Steps do this?)
Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
A: They were dating the same girl in high school.
Al Gore's daughters were overheard at Take-your-Daughter-to-Work-Day
complaining that they were bored and demanded to go back to school
Clinton on his hundredth day in office said he's done a lot but still has a
lot farther to go. That's right, he hasn't broken all his campaign promises
yet"
President Clinton's latest trial balloon is that he wants to create a new
trust fund. The plan is that all money raised by new taxes would go into
this fund and that all the money in this fund would go toward paying off
the national debt. One of Clinton's advisors has reportedly been fired
for suggesting that this new fund be named "Social Security #2".
Yet Another Clinton nickname:
Willy the Weasel.
Well, Lem says it's early to say.
Looks , though, Mr. Clintons threat to scatter US Post Offices and
postal workers around in Serbia and Bosnia has brought a truce to the
area.
Subject: Bill ' Ricky Nelson ' Clinton!
Fools rush in
Where Europe fears to tread
And so I go to Bosnia
My ass around my head
Though I see
The danger there
If there's a chance to be like Kennedy
Then I don't care!
Fools rush in
Where wise men never go
But wise men never run for president
So how are they to know?
When we bombed
I felt an erection begin!
So open up the bays
And let this fool rush in
Uncle Sam stop issuing seven-year bonds on Wednesday.
< whistle > < whistle >
Hint: It's a big, big hint from Uncle Sam :)
Friday, May 14, 1993
NEW YORK -- President Clinton's brother, Roger, and another man
became embroiled in a heated argument at a New York Knicks
basketball game, the New York Post reported today.
Devion Arkison said Roger Clinton attacked him when he made a
remark about the president.
Arkison, 28, said Clinton jumped from his seat at Madison Square
Garden Wednesday night, grabbed him in a chokehold and scratched
his face.
Clinton said Arkison "was being very crude...and my principles were
such that when people are insulting my brother or my mother, I felt
I had to say something," the Post said.
Witnesses told the Post they overheard Arkison say, "Bill's outta
here in three years, and your 15 minutes of fame are almost up."
The Clinton presidency has been faltering in recent weeks and polls
show that Bill Clinton has the lowest approval ratings of any modern
president.
[Like David Letterman predicted, Roger is going to be *trouble*.
It's Jimmy and Billy Carter all over again.]
Bill and Hillary are driving through Arkansas and stop at a full-service
station. Hillary points at the grease
monkey filling their car with gasoline and exclaims: "Look! It's the guy I used
to date in high school!"
Bill (pompously): "Aren't you lucky you married me and not him?"
Hillary: "Not at all, if I had married him, he's be President now, and you'd
be pumping gas."
Q: How does Hillary know that Chelsea's got her period?
A: She tastes blood on Bill's prick.
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?
A: If his lips are moving, then he's lying.
Q: What are Bill's two favorite campaign promises?
A: ``The check is in your mouth'' and ``I won't come in the mail.''
Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
A: Neither one is very bright.
Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight?
A: Runs away from the draft.
Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]?
A: He's got his jogging suit on.
Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team?
A: The Dodgers.
Q: Why does Hillary always try to get on top?
A: Because Bill can only f--- up.
Bill Clinton goes to a hair stylist.
"Good morning Mr. President, what are you going to do about Bosnia?"
"I'm here to have my hair cut, what the f--- do you care about Bosnia?"
"I don't care a f--- about Bosnia, dahling, but it's easier to cut your hair
when it stands on end."
What did Hillary say to Bill before the election?
"We'd better win this one, or I'm moving in with Marina Navratilova!"
White House press conference.
Reporter: "Mr. President, you have admitted that you smoked pot once but didn't
inhale the smoke...
Have you also engaged in any indisrections with the population group that are
your most ardent supporters?" [am I phrasing this right... -D? ]
Clinton: "Yes, I sucked a c--- once, but didn't swallow the cum!"
Also I saw a bumper sticker "Abort Clinton" the other day.
Q: What was the *real* reason for Clinton to dodge draft?
A: He could not make it as a Naval Aviator
Q: What would Clinton do if he did not get into politics?
A: Become a botantist and play with Flowers
Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's
speaking engagements?
So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.
"When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million
new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be
tax collectors." -- Jay Leno
I am Clinton. Hear me roar!
As I send the troops to war!
And I spread the military across the land
But I'm still a small Nero
With a long, long way to go
Before I can invade Poland!
Yes, I lied. And my promises were feigned.
Yes, I dodged the draft
But look how much I gained!
If I want to, I can bomb ANYONE!
I am PRESIDENT!
I am INVINCIBLE!
I am Clllliiinnntttttoooonnnn!
War. So exciting and new
Come aboard. Bill's expecting you!
The War Boat,
Soon we'll be making another run
The War Boat,
Promises something for everyone
Put your mind on adventure
Set your sights on Cyrus Vance
And War
Won't hurt anymore
It's a Tomahawk blast
On a distant shore!
Hmmm. I see here <glancing at watch> that Bill's a little
ahead of schedule. The Poland Invasion is supposed to be
4-5 years AFTER the election. But, I should have known
Bill was an achiever after the Waco Easy-Pop Oven.
The trouble with political jokes is that the dumbest one of them got elected
President...
When Bill's Congress passes a law, it's a joke... but when Hillary tells a
joke, it's the law.
[Gennifer Flowers] It could be worse... Bill Clinton could be caught in bed
with a dead woman or a live man...
They say, ever since he met JFK as a kid, Bill Clinton wanted to be President
in the worst possible way... And he's succeeded beyond his wildest dreams.
Q: What's Bill's fondest wish now?
A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.
Q: Why do they put Bill Clinton's picture on the insides of toilet bowls?
A: So the assholes can see who they voted for.
The trouble with Bill Clinton is that he approaches every issue with an open
mouth...
Election night...
Bill: ``Honey, we won!''
Hillary: ``Honestly?!''
Bill: ``Let's not bring that up...''
Q: What's a Clinton sandwich?
A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.
Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?
A: For spare parts.
Did you hear that the Clintons had Air Force 1 remodeled?
Now it's got two left wings.
Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new breed of chicken
and named it in honor of Bill Clinton?
It's a brainless, spineless, dickless, left-wing asshole, tar-and-feathers
yellow chicken with no balls.
(Footnote: Tyson Foods are some Arkansas chicken farmers who torture their
chicken (ever heard of de-beaking?), pollute the environment with chickenshit,
and have paid millions of dollars to Co-Governors Bill & Hillary Clinton to
look the other way. :)
Reporter: ``Ms. Co-president, what are your views on capital punishment?''
Hillary: ``I like it when women are hung like men!''
Aide: ``Mr. President, what do you intend to do about that abortion bill?''
Bill: ``Shhhh! Tell that quack I'll pay it first thing next month.''
Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?
Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.
Bill asks a page girl out. Her response: ``Mr. President, if you can raise
my skirt as high as you're hiked our taxes, if you can get your dick as hard
as your've made our lives hard, if you can screw me like you've screwed the
American people, then I'll go out with you!''
How many people work in civil service under Bill?
Maybe one in ten.
Why did Bill abolish coffee breaks for civil servants?
Because coffee kept them awake all day.
A Washington woman calls 911: ``There's a Republican standing outside my
window, masturbating!''
``Lady, how do you know he's a Republican?''
``If he was a Democrat, he'd be screwing somebody!''
Q: Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"?
A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist?
A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.
Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, who'd land
first?
A: Who cares?
Clinton has designed a new energy efficient car with no seat and no streering
wheel, for those of us who have lost our asses and have nowhere to turn.
Clinton is trying to tell us a no-frills medical care plan. Trouble is, medical
care is a frill.
Two birds flying over the White House...
``Say, are you for Clinton?''
``Why not? He's for us!''
The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and Hillary's
faces on them...
But test marketing showed that the customers would spit on the wrong side
of the stamps.
Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?
A: Trying to save both faces.
Clinton is shaking hands with voters.
``Pleased to meet you,'' says one old man, ``I've heard a lot about you.''
Clinton laughs: ``But you can't prove any of it!''
Bill Clintons is addressing a gathering.
``We've got to tighten our belts...''
The audience is clapping.
``We've got to make sacrifices...''
The audience goes wild.
``Things will get much worse before they get better...''
Audience: ``Thank you, Mr. President!'' ``That's good for the business!''
Bill is flabbergasted. ``I'm trying to tax all the business out of business,
what the hell are you telling me that I'm doing something that's good for
your business? Where am I at, anyway?''
Aide: ``At the undertakers' convention!''
Pre-election voter registration drive in Arkansas. Two Democrat activists are
walking through the local cemetary, copying the names off the tombstones.
They come across an old tombstone so covered with dirt and moss that they
can't make out the name.
``Let's skip this one,'' says one.
``Naw, this man's got as much right to vote for Bill Clinton as anyone
else lying in this cemetary.''
Ballot counting an Arkansas... Among the thousands of Clinton ballots, they
see a single Bush ballot.
``Put it aside,'' says the chief counter. A few hours later they see another
Bush ballot. The chief smiles:
``Just as I thought, the Republican bastard has voted twice! Annul both his
votes.''
Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Ronald Reagan are in a boat in the Potomac,
when suddenly the boat develops a leak. They have only one life preserver
jacket. Bill says: ``Let's do the Democratic thing... Take a vote to see
who gets the life preserver.''
They each write a name on a piece of paper and stuff it in a coffee can.
Bush and Reagan get one vote each; Clinton gets six.
Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying
aboard Air Force 1.
Bill: ``Why don't I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make
someone happy.''
Hillary: ``Why don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make
ten people happy.''
Al: ``Why don't you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy.''
Tipper: ``Why don't we all jump out the window and make everybody else happy.''
Q: If Bill and Hillary and Al and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat
capsized, who would be saved?
A: The United States of America!
Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to
improving jails?
A: Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.
A travelling salesman in a remote part of Kentucky stops at a local bar
for a few beers and remarks: ``Bill Clinton is a horse's ass!''
The bartender says: ``You can't say things like this around here!''
``Excuse me, I didn't realize this is Clinton country.''
``What are you, nuts? This is horse-breeding country!''
An aide brings Clinton the results of the latest public opinion poll.
``The American public thinks...''
Clintin interrupts: ``When I want to know what the American public thinks, I'll
ask myself!''
Heckler: ``Who pulls your strings, Bill? What special interests control you?''
Clinton (visibly upset): ``You leave Hillary out of this!''
Clinton is giving a speech. A member of the audience wakes up momentarily
to ask: ``Hasn't he finished yet?''
A neighbor replies: ``He's finished an hour ago, but he hasn't stopped.''
``What's he talking about, anyway?''
``Dunno, he didn't get there yet.''
Clinton gives a 3-hour speech. After the speech he kicks an aide
on the shin: ``This was supposed to be a 1-hour speech!''
``Mr. President, you've read the original and 2 xerox copies!''
Yeltsin visits Washington, DC. Clinton is giving a speech:
``Dear President Mitterand! Hillary and I are delighted...''
An aide tugs his sleeve: ``This is President Yeltsin!''
C: ``I can see that, but the teleprompter says `Mitterand'!''.
Bill: ``Have you heard my last speech?''
Hillary: ``No, I didn't know it was the last one!''
Chelsea asks Hillary: ``What did you have at the state dinner?''
H:``Some beef, some asparagus, and 7,374 green peas.''
C: ``Don't bullshit me, Mom, when did you count the peas?''
H: ``While your father was giving the speech.''
Little Chelsea walks into the bathroom while Bill Clinton is taking a shower.
She points to his penis and asks: ``Daddy, what's that for?''
Bill grins: ``Wait till your mother goes out to a cabinet meeting, and you'll
find out.''
Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?
A: Heredity.
Chelsea asks Bill: ``Daddy, what's a Lesbian?''
``Ask Hillary, he'll show you.''
Chelsea comes comes to Hillary and announces that she has
lost her virignity.
``You were a little to old for this,'' says Hillary,
``but did you at least enjoy it?''
``The first five congressmen were fun, but then my pussy got real tired.''
Chelsea is entertaining a boyfriend in her White House quarters. At some
point she unzips his fly, bends down, and starts sucking his cock. When he
comes, she timidly asks: ``Did you like it?''
``I liked it an awful lot, but I'd never guess that you too are gay!''
1994... What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy?
If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed your
family --- YOU'RE HAPPY.
1996... Yeltsin asks Clinton: ``Bill, what's your hobby?''
C: ``I collect jokes about myself.''
Y: ``How many have you got already?''
C: ``Three concentration camps full!''
gar...@ingres.com
>In article <1993Jun2.1...@llyene.jpl.nasa.gov> ju...@eddie.jpl.nasa.gov (Julie Kangas) writes:
>
> Clinton Jokes
>Note:
>This list is being maintained by Nathan Mates, nat...@cco.caltech.edu, or
>
> Clampents?
>A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintence in the 6th grade.
>
>Intent to defraud the American people? Adultery (which I am sure was still
>on the books in Arkansas at the time of his escapades)?
>
>>a 200 dollar hair cut? What kind of example does that set?
>With hair like Clinton's, two hundred bucks isn't ENOUGH to make it look
>right.
>
>"Socialism"
>
>To: ATF Agent 2x3276
>>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
> Notify the press the cultists committed mass suicide by burning down
>their compound.
> Brilliant, Almost Godlike
>
[more stuff deleted]
>Heard this one this morning on the radio.
>It's been discovered that Clinton is a test tube baby...
> Apparently, he wasn't worth a f*ck back then either!
>
[even more stuff deleted]
> George Bush Bill Clinton
> ----------- ------------
>War Record Fighter Pilot Draft Dodger
> THE DECLARATION OF CLINTONDEPENDENCE...
> (with original words from Declaration of Indepence in UPPERCASE...
>---- Lyrics to "I am Hillary Hear Me Roar"
[an increadible amount of stuff deleted, including lots of repeats]
I have only one response to these jokes.
GROAN!
gar...@ingres.com
[same jokes deleted]
What do you mean "silly Clinton jokes, part II?" These are the exact same
jokes that were on part I. And a large part of part one was repeated
several times.
Are you trying to say that these are so good that they should
be told several times?
Jason K. Schechner
about any of the points contained herein.
In article <1993Jun2.1...@llyene.jpl.nasa.gov> ju...@eddie.jpl.nasa.gov (Julie Kangas) writes:
> 3. "The critical issues that America is crying out for leadership on:
> jobs, the health-care crises, the need to control the economy...
> I will deal with them from day one."
He said "deal with" not introduce legistlature to deal with.
How do you know he didn't have a panel looking into the health care
crisis from the beginning? As I read, he did.
>
> 4. At the MTV Inaugural Ball he said, "Hillary and I have to go to eleven
> balls tonight, but...Chelsea's going to stay."
Am I to assume Chelsea didn't stay or that he and Hillary
weren't invited to 11 balls?
>
> 5. In May 1992 he said he wouldn't support anything that "promoted the
> homosexual life-style."
Allowing gays in the military doesn't promote homosexality.
Teaching how to perform anal sex in sex-ed classes would, though.
Making homophobic bigotry illeagal is not promoting it, any more than
making racism illegal promotes Jewish, or Black, etc lifestyles.
> 9. "Reagan voted for Clinton," a top staff member told TV Guide. "I
> have it on the highest authority."
As senile as that ass is I wouldn't be even slightly suprised.
> 19. At the MTV Inaugural Ball: "Do my wife and daughter look great tonight
> or what?"
I assume you think they looked aweful? I would disagree.
>
> 20. He vowed to "oppose racial quotas."
And what racial quotas has he imposed/sponsored?
>
> 21. He promised "no token appointments."
Who do you feel is a "token appointment"?
> 27. "I will not hide behind the walls of the White House" -- September 1992
> At press time, he had avoided a formal press conference longer than
> any other modern president.
Formal press conferences are not the only way of getting
information, etc out the the public. Just because he hadn't had a
"formal" press conference doesn't mean he was hiding. I think it was
just the opposite.
> 28. "I invested in the future of our people and balanced the state
> budget with honesty and fairness and without gimmicks."
What do you feel were 'gimicks'?
> 31. He counted a rise in the taxes on Social Security as a spending cut.
And why not? Money not paid to SS recipients is as much a
spending cut as anything else. Call it a tax or a cut, it's still
money that the government isn't spending that it would have spend had
he not changed policy.
> 34. "I call on Congress to enact an immediate jobs package of over $30
> billion" -- February 1993. The plan contains $15 billion in direct
> investment.
You can blame the Republicans for this. They said anything
over $15 would be instantly shot down. This was the largest amount he
thought he could get passed. Evidently it was still too big.
>
> 35. "An America in which the rich are not soaked..." On top of his "top"
> rate, people making more than $250,000 also pay what he once called
> a millionaire's surtax.
As far out of context as this is it could mean anything.
There go those _evil_liberal_elipses_ again!
> 38. He vowed to crack down on "those who see the tax code as a table
> game to be won," but his plan leaves the top capital-gains-tax
> rate at 28 percent, once again creating tax shelter incentives.
And how does leaving the capital gains tax at 28% promote
loopholes? Would you like Clinton to lower it or raise it?
>
> 39. "I'm going to tell you, in very plain language, what I plan to do
> as president."
And how has he not loved up to this?
> 43. He says he wears a 45-Long, but he really wears a 46-Regular.
Ever consider that different suits are cut differently? I
wear a 45 extra long in some brands, and a 45 long in others.
> 44. After pledging to cut the deficit in half within four years, he now
> says it's "impossible."
Blame your pal George Bush for publicizing incorrect data.
>
> 45. "I have to be honest with you: The debt is $50 billion a year bigger
> than we were told it was before the election." He said the fact that
> the deficit was $346 billion was an "unsettling revelation." But
> the previous July he had said, "The projected deficit is up to $400
> billion."
He was talking about his own projection, which happened to be
more correct than he wanted it to be. He figures it'll be $400B, but
decided that Bush saying it will be $346B is probably more correct
because he has access to more data so he uses that, with a warning
that Bush may have been full of manure. He was right on all counts.
>
>
> 47. His deficit projections do not include the cost of the savings-and-
> loan bailout, which could add $25 billion to both fiscal 1993 and
> '94.
Wouldn't it have been nice if Bush had told him about these
goodies?
> 48. "America has always transcended the hopes and dreams of every other
> nation on Earth."
And what is wrong with this?
> 50. Asked what he'd eaten during a campaign stop at Wendy's, he said
> he'd ordered grilled chicken and a Diet Coke. He later confessed,
> "I also had a small cup of chili. I usually get a large."
My GOD! Why hasn't he been impeached yet!
>
> 51. "I'm trying, I'm really working on this" -- on his diet. "Offered
> a choice of lamb, beef or chicken as an an entree, he took all three,
> plus fish chowder, brocolli, salad, bread, and two scoops of apple
> souffle" -- The New Republic, March 15, 1993
Not only should he be impeached, he should be shot.
Definately.
>
> 54. Asked what role Hillary played in his selection of Reno, he said,
> "None."
Do you have some information that she did? I would guess that
she might have had some he didn't realize. Remember that Hillary is
his wife and they are together a lot (like any happily married couple
is). If politics comes up (which I'm sure it does) she is bound to
speak her mind. I see no problem with this. I can't be worse than
Nancy Reagan's depending on an astrologer!
>
> 55. "Our plan seeks to attack subsidies that actually reward companies more
> for shuttling their operations down here and moving them overseas."
> The plan actually rewards companies that do research and development
> here for their plants overseas.
Proof?
> 56. "Large, highly profitable companies will have to pay a greater portion
> of their net earnings in taxes." Larger depreciation write-offs mean
> many companies will have lower -- and sometimes nonexistent -- net
> earning to tax.
The Republiclones were complaining that taxes on business were
too high. Now you complain that they're too low? You can't have it
both ways!
> 58. "I cut the federal bureacracy by 100,000 positions." Many of the
> "positions" he cut had not no working in them.
Yes, but they were PAID positions, meaning that someone was
getting money for doing almost nothing. He stopped this practice. Is
this a problem? At least they won't become 100,000 people looking for
work.
> 59. "The time has come to show the American people...that we can not only
> start things, but we can actually stop things."
Where's the problem with that?
>
> 60. "We are slashing subsidies." In the first year of his plan, farm
> subsidies will actually double.
First of all, I disagree with him on this one, BUT there are
other subsidies than farm subsidies. Tobacco (which should be
eliminated), and computer chips for instance.
>
> 63. Presented with a two-foot pen symbolizing the presidential line-item
> veto, he told Republican senators, "I surely look foreward to using
> this."
Maybe he just meant the pen.
>
> 64. "I cut the White House staff by 25 percent." He achieved this by
> defining *staff* to exclude hundreds of military communications
> personnel at the White House, as well as the Trade Representative's
> Office and the Office of Management and Budget.
Oooh! You hate it when your own tactics are turned against
you! Think about Reagan's definition of the "unemployed". Also, he
did cut a large chunk of the White House payroll. Better cut the
payroll than put more people out of wor.
>
> 65. He went to court in March and argued that his wife was "the functional
> equivalent of a federal employee." Three days earlier, Hillary had
> told reporters questioning her quasi-federal-employee position, "I
> kind of view myself in some ways as a citizen representative."
Why can't she be both?
>
> 66. "Every day I still get up and I feel a lot of gratitude just for
> having the chance to serve."
I guess you have proof that he doesn't feel this way? Would
yo ucare to share it?
> 67. He promised, "The old adage 'Mi casa, su casa' will be true when my
> house is the White House," then banned smoking.
I would have done the same. He doesn't smoke, so why should
he be subject to others' smoke? Not only that but Chelsea is 13, so
her lungs are especially sensitive to cigarette smoke.
>
> 68. About his plan to close many military bases throughout the country,
> he said, "This isn't downsizing for its own sake. This is right-sizing
> for security's sake.
Where's he lie in this?
>
> 69. On why he visited the aircraft carrier Theodore Roosevelt the day he
> unveiled his military-base-closings plan: "I need to be here because
> I'm commander in chief."
Definately. He certainly ISN'T the CIC. How could he think
he was?
>
> 70. "I never broke the laws of my countries."
What laws has he broken? When he smoked the pot in England it
was legal at the time, btw.
>
> 71. "If I become president, I will have a Cabinet that looks like America"
> -- July 1992. Thirteen of his Cabinet's 18 members are lawyers, and
> more than three quarters are millionaires.
You would rather he walk into downtown DC and just grab people
at random? He is a lawyer, therefore he knows more lawyers than
anything else, so it would stand to reason that of the people he knows
the majority would be lawyers.
>
> 72. "I want to appoint one person, one man or woman, to oversee and
> coordinate all federal efforts [related to AIDS]." At press time,
> he had not gotten around to it.
He never said he would do it immediately.
>
> 74. Asked whether Clinton was preparing to withdraw Baird's nomination on
> January 21, Stephanopoulos replied, "Not at this point...Right now, Zoe
> Baird is his nominee." About 13 hours later, Baird withdrew.
I don't see a lie here. She was a nominee at the time and
then she withdrew. Clinton didn't withdraw her nomination. What's
the problem?
>
> 75. "I decided to run for president in 1991 because...I was afraid that the
> American dream was in danger."
I don't see a lie here.
>
> 76. "It's not our policy to leak stories about potential nominees"
> -- Stephanopoulos, denying that the White House had told reporters
> that Kimba Wood would be the next attorney general nominee.
What's the problem here?
> 78. "It was never the administration's position that that was an issue,
> and it's unfortunate that that ever was out there" -- Myers, asked if
> the information that Wood had begun training to be a Playboy bunny was
> leaked by someone inside the administration.
First of all show me a lie here, and secondly show me a
Clinton lie here.
>
> 79. The White House also leaked inaccurate stories suggesting that Wood's
> husband, Michael Kramer, had lobbied for Wood under the pretext of
> interviewing Clinton for Time.
And Clinton is responsible for whatever the White House
leaks/says?
>
> 80. Asked about his new personal no-junk-food policy, he clarified, "I
> don't necessarily consider McDonald's junk food."
They have salads and iced tea right? :-) Ok, you got me here.
> 82. After urging Bush to get involved in Bosnia throughout the campaign,
> Clinton announced in February, "I do not believe that the military of
> the United States should get involved unilaterally there now."
Again, he had access to much more information one he got
elected.
>
> 83. "It would be a great mistake to read this... as some initial foray
> toward a wider military role" -- on the Bosnia food drop, early March.
You have to realize that we can't control everything that
happens over there. New developements happen and policy has to change
to reflect them.
>
> 84. Calling to thank En Vogue for agreeing to back up his brother, Roger,
> he told the group he would come by the party and accompany Roger on the
> sax when they sang "Rock Me, Baby."
Heavens! Kick him out for being so busy that he can't get out
to play his sax with his brother!
>
> 85. He said through a spokeswoman, "The schools in the District of Columbia
> and across the country are good schools."
Yes, they're good, but the private schools are better. Show
me a place where that isn't true.
>
> 86. "He doesn't dye his hair," according to a spokeswoman.
Can you prove he does? Also, this isn't him lying, it's a
spokeswoman, if he does.
>
> 87. Asked why Hillary Clinton would get a West Wing officem a spokeswoman
> said, "Because the president wanted her to be there."
Is there a lie here? I didn't think so.
>
> 88. "Mrs. Clinton was Hillary Rodham Clinton all through the campaign
> and the transition" -- Hillary Rodham Clinton's press secretary.
I first heard the term "Hillary Rodham Cliton" early in the
campaign. They just toned it down because people were affraid that
she might actually be an intelligent, independant woman. Mercy!
>
> 89. In January he said, "I'll miss going down to the Y in the morning,
> my blue-collar gymm where there's nobody in bright Spandex outfits."
Prove that this isn't the truth. Maybe he likes seeing people
in bright Spandex. I know I do. :-)
>
> 90. He said, "It is time for us to realize that there is not a government
> program for every problem."
There's a problem with this?
>
> 94. Responding to reports that Clinton is a "closet cigar smoker," an
> aide insisted, "He's not a cigar smoker. He chews on them."
Prove that he smokes them. My uncle chews on cigars because
he things they taste good.
>
> 95. "[Bush] won't take on the big insurance companies...I will."
> Managed competition, his preferred health-reform plan, helps big
> insurance companies.
His health-reform plan isn't out yet even now. How can they
say this?
> 97. Asked last June whom he would put on the Supreme Court, he said, "I
> think Governor [Mario] Cuomo would make a good Supreme Court Justice."
Maybe he does think that. I do.
>
> 98. "If we do right by this country, I don't care who gets credit for it."
>
> 99. "If Thomas Jefferson were alive today, I would appoint him Secretary of
> State. And then I would suggest to Senator Gore that two of us resign
> so he could become president."
Where's the lie in this?
>
> 100. "I want one of those great 100 days in which Congress would adopt my
> healthcare and educational policies, my energy and economic initiatives,
> and where the private sector would become engaged in a whole new
> partnership to make this country great again."
>
He wanted it, but it didn't happen. Does that make it a lie?
My brother wanted the Redskins to win the last Superbowl. The fact
that they didn't even get to it doesn't make him a liar, just one sad
little boy.
Whew! Finally finished. The stuff I deleted was either
because I agree with you, or it's something that has yet to be proven
or disproven (like the jobs bill, or the deficit reduction, or health
care reform etc)
-Jason
--
God is real. Unless declared an int.
Todd Andrew Simpson
a lesbian or a man in drag (well, which is it?), Chelsea is ugly,
Hillary is President, and Bill has really weird hair.
Some of these jokes were funny... the first time, anyway. Perhaps
you can edit the joke list?
And then there are the kind of jokes someone was complaining about
when they (the jokes) made fun of Quayle, what one might call the
"<insert name here>" genre of joke. I came up with a couple myself,
took me maybe 45 seconds; I didn't see them in the list, you can add
'em if you like....
Clinton's pulled over on the highway, cop takes a look at his license
and unzips his fly, Clinton sez "Oh no, not another breathalyzer
test"...
$100 bill sitting on the floor in the middle of a room, there are
three people in the room: a Clinton Administration official who tells
the truth, a Clinton Administration official who always lies, and the
Tooth Fairy. Lights go out, then come back on again; the $100 bill is
gone. Who took it? The Clinton Administration official who always
lies, coz the other two don't exist!!!
Real funny, huh?
Todo
Jeffrey S Linder
(Jason K. Schechner) writes:
> Bear with me, this is going to be long. I invite discussion
>about any of the points contained herein.
>
>In article <1993Jun2.1...@llyene.jpl.nasa.gov> ju...@eddie.jpl.nasa.gov
(Julie Kangas) writes:
>
>
> And what racial quotas has he imposed/sponsored?
The nomination of Lani Guinier(sp?) comes to mind. Also his claim to make
the cabinet look "more like America".
>>
>> 21. He promised "no token appointments."
>
> Who do you feel is a "token appointment"?
The attorney general nominations. All women after he vowed to appoint a
women to that position?
>
>> 27. "I will not hide behind the walls of the White House" -- September 199
2
>> At press time, he had avoided a formal press conference longer than
>> any other modern president.
>
> Formal press conferences are not the only way of getting
>information, etc out the the public. Just because he hadn't had a
>"formal" press conference doesn't mean he was hiding. I think it was
>just the opposite.
Answering question from grade school and high school kids is real tough.
"What is ou favorite color Mr. President?". "Blue. NO! Green!...AAHhhh" :)
>
>> 28. "I invested in the future of our people and balanced the state
>> budget with honesty and fairness and without gimmicks."
>
> What do you feel were 'gimicks'?
He was forced by law to balance his state budget. He couldn't break the
law, it might damage his political viability.
>
>> 31. He counted a rise in the taxes on Social Security as a spending cut.
>
> And why not? Money not paid to SS recipients is as much a
>spending cut as anything else. Call it a tax or a cut, it's still
>money that the government isn't spending that it would have spend had
>he not changed policy.
But classifying it as a spending cut without the details is smoke and
mirrors at best.
>
>> 34. "I call on Congress to enact an immediate jobs package of over $30
>> billion" -- February 1993. The plan contains $15 billion in direct
>> investment.
>
> You can blame the Republicans for this. They said anything
>over $15 would be instantly shot down. This was the largest amount he
>thought he could get passed. Evidently it was still too big.
Oink, oink, oink, oink. It is political payback, nothing more.
>>
>> 35. "An America in which the rich are not soaked..." On top of his "top"
>> rate, people making more than $250,000 also pay what he once called
>> a millionaire's surtax.
>
> As far out of context as this is it could mean anything.
>There go those _evil_liberal_elipses_ again!
Punishing success is no way to stimulate the economy or to encourage
success.
>
>> 39. "I'm going to tell you, in very plain language, what I plan to do
>> as president."
>
> And how has he not loved up to this?
>
What he is doing now does not remotely look like what he campaigned on.
>
>> 44. After pledging to cut the deficit in half within four years, he now
>> says it's "impossible."
>
> Blame your pal George Bush for publicizing incorrect data.
>>
Get your head out of the sand!. Bill Clinton told Business Week well before
the election that the defecit would be $400 Billion Dollars.
>> 45. "I have to be honest with you: The debt is $50 billion a year bigger
>> than we were told it was before the election." He said the fact that
>> the deficit was $346 billion was an "unsettling revelation." But
>> the previous July he had said, "The projected deficit is up to $400
>> billion."
>
> He was talking about his own projection, which happened to be
>more correct than he wanted it to be. He figures it'll be $400B, but
>decided that Bush saying it will be $346B is probably more correct
>because he has access to more data so he uses that, with a warning
>that Bush may have been full of manure. He was right on all counts.
$50 billion dollars out of a budget of 1500 billion? Ohmigod! It must
be crisis time again.
>>
>>
>> 47. His deficit projections do not include the cost of the savings-and-
>> loan bailout, which could add $25 billion to both fiscal 1993 and
>> '94.
>
> Wouldn't it have been nice if Bush had told him about these
>goodies?
The Democratically controlled OMB knew. Is this some sort of state secret?
>
>>
>> 54. Asked what role Hillary played in his selection of Reno, he said,
>> "None."
>
> Do you have some information that she did? I would guess that
>she might have had some he didn't realize. Remember that Hillary is
>his wife and they are together a lot (like any happily married couple
>is). If politics comes up (which I'm sure it does) she is bound to
>speak her mind. I see no problem with this. I can't be worse than
>Nancy Reagan's depending on an astrologer!
Nancy Reagan did't interview the cabinet nominees either. If she wants
to discuss it with Billy Boy OK. But interviewing the nominees? Who
voted for her? Why couldn't I interview them?
>>
>
>> 56. "Large, highly profitable companies will have to pay a greater portion
>> of their net earnings in taxes." Larger depreciation write-offs mean
>> many companies will have lower -- and sometimes nonexistent -- net
>> earning to tax.
>
> The Republiclones were complaining that taxes on business were
>too high. Now you complain that they're too low? You can't have it
>both ways!
Do you really think that corporations pay taxes? Their employees and
customers pay the taxes.
>
>> 58. "I cut the federal bureacracy by 100,000 positions." Many of the
>> "positions" he cut had not no working in them.
>
> Yes, but they were PAID positions, meaning that someone was
>getting money for doing almost nothing. He stopped this practice. Is
>this a problem? At least they won't become 100,000 people looking for
>work.
The Fedearal beaurcracy fluctuates by 100K to 200K employees per year.
>
>> 60. "We are slashing subsidies." In the first year of his plan, farm
>> subsidies will actually double.
>
> First of all, I disagree with him on this one, BUT there are
>other subsidies than farm subsidies. Tobacco (which should be
>eliminated), and computer chips for instance.
Read George Will's column today. The peanut subsidy, the wool subsidy...
just to name a few.
>>
>> 64. "I cut the White House staff by 25 percent." He achieved this by
>> defining *staff* to exclude hundreds of military communications
>> personnel at the White House, as well as the Trade Representative's
>> Office and the Office of Management and Budget.
>
> Oooh! You hate it when your own tactics are turned against
>you! Think about Reagan's definition of the "unemployed". Also, he
>did cut a large chunk of the White House payroll. Better cut the
>payroll than put more people out of wor.
Most of these people weren't of the payroll. He just sent them back to
the Agency from which they were on loan. They are still on the Federal
Payroll.
>>
>> 65. He went to court in March and argued that his wife was "the functional
>> equivalent of a federal employee." Three days earlier, Hillary had
>> told reporters questioning her quasi-federal-employee position, "I
>> kind of view myself in some ways as a citizen representative."
>
> Why can't she be both?
She is not covered by any ethics laws, nor was she confirmed by the Congress,
yet she is shaping one of the most important programs this country has
seen and is answerable to no one.
>>
>> 66. "Every day I still get up and I feel a lot of gratitude just for
>> having the chance to serve."
>
> I guess you have proof that he doesn't feel this way? Would
>yo ucare to share it?
Hea had a chance to serve 25 years ago.
>
>> 70. "I never broke the laws of my countries."
>
> What laws has he broken? When he smoked the pot in England it
>was legal at the time, btw.
Read Paul Greenburg(?) from Arkansas. He still has a legal obligation
to ROTC that he has never fulfilled.
>>
>> 71. "If I become president, I will have a Cabinet that looks like America"
>> -- July 1992. Thirteen of his Cabinet's 18 members are lawyers, and
>> more than three quarters are millionaires.
>
> You would rather he walk into downtown DC and just grab people
>at random? He is a lawyer, therefore he knows more lawyers than
>anything else, so it would stand to reason that of the people he knows
>the majority would be lawyers.
Does that look like America? He made the claim. He is also a middle-aged
white male. If his cabinet was MAWM I am sure you would use the same
justification.
>>
>> 72. "I want to appoint one person, one man or woman, to oversee and
>> coordinate all federal efforts [related to AIDS]." At press time,
>> he had not gotten around to it.
>
> He never said he would do it immediately.
But he promised to hit the ground running. I think he just hit the ground,
without a parachute.
>>
>>
>> 76. "It's not our policy to leak stories about potential nominees"
>> -- Stephanopoulos, denying that the White House had told reporters
>> that Kimba Wood would be the next attorney general nominee.
>
> What's the problem here?
>
>> 78. "It was never the administration's position that that was an issue,
>> and it's unfortunate that that ever was out there" -- Myers, asked if
>> the information that Wood had begun training to be a Playboy bunny was
>> leaked by someone inside the administration.
>
> First of all show me a lie here, and secondly show me a
>Clinton lie here.
2+2 still equals 4
>>
>> 79. The White House also leaked inaccurate stories suggesting that Wood's
>> husband, Michael Kramer, had lobbied for Wood under the pretext of
>> interviewing Clinton for Time.
>
> And Clinton is responsible for whatever the White House
>leaks/says?
Ultimately he is. After all, he is their boss. That's called leadership.
>>
>> 82. After urging Bush to get involved in Bosnia throughout the campaign,
>> Clinton announced in February, "I do not believe that the military of
>> the United States should get involved unilaterally there now."
>
> Again, he had access to much more information one he got
>elected.
>>
If he didn't have the info, why was he shooting his mouth off?
>> 100. "I want one of those great 100 days in which Congress would adopt my
>> healthcare and educational policies, my energy and economic initiative
s,
>> and where the private sector would become engaged in a whole new
>> partnership to make this country great again."
>>
> He wanted it, but it didn't happen. Does that make it a lie?
>My brother wanted the Redskins to win the last Superbowl. The fact
>that they didn't even get to it doesn't make him a liar, just one sad
>little boy.
It can't happen if the proposals aren't put before congress.
JSL.
Spencer PriceNash
> Clinton Jokes
>Note:
>This list is being maintained by Nathan Mates, nat...@cco.caltech.edu, or
>MSC #850, Caltech, Pasadena, CA 91126-0001. Please send any submissions to
>one of the two addresses. You can freely distribute this file as long as this
>message remains intact.
This goes on and on, and it's not even that funny.
Stop it you're killing me
--
Spencer PriceNash spe...@spencer.ann-arbor.mi.us spe...@umcc.umich.edu
The Official Internet Quayle quote files are available via anon ftp.
ftp to umcc.umich.edu, cd to pub/quayle, and pick up the 2 files.
869483 Denys Larry
|>In article <1993Jun2.1...@llyene.jpl.nasa.gov> ju...@eddie.jpl.nasa.gov (Julie Kangas) writes:
|>
This post of Jason's should be written out in calligraphy and framed for
the office of a cult awareness group. Could the followers of David Koresh
been more fanatical and devoted? It is just so monumentally stupid, it's
funny.
|>> 3. "The critical issues that America is crying out for leadership on:
|>> jobs, the health-care crises, the need to control the economy...
|>> I will deal with them from day one."
|>
|> He said "deal with" not introduce legistlature to deal with.
|>How do you know he didn't have a panel looking into the health care
|>crisis from the beginning? As I read, he did.
|>>
Jason sounds just like Slick himself. God, he did not promise to do
anything about the problems, he's just going to study them, right?
What about that big word "change", Jason?
|>> 19. At the MTV Inaugural Ball: "Do my wife and daughter look great tonight
|>> or what?"
|>
|> I assume you think they looked aweful? I would disagree.
|>>
Does the word butt-ugly ring a bell with you.
|>> 20. He vowed to "oppose racial quotas."
|>
|> And what racial quotas has he imposed/sponsored?
|>>
Probably the ones Stephanoupolis was talking about when he said
that the cabinet was filled with a "balance of excellence and diversity."
Far be it for Clinton to appoint and hire based upon merit.
|>> 21. He promised "no token appointments."
|>
|> Who do you feel is a "token appointment"?
|>
Did they ever find a lesbian lumberjack with one leg, blue spots, and
a law degree to fill the spot they were looking for? I heard they searched
everywhere.
|>> 27. "I will not hide behind the walls of the White House" -- September 1992
|>> At press time, he had avoided a formal press conference longer than
|>> any other modern president.
|>
|> Formal press conferences are not the only way of getting
|>information, etc out the the public. Just because he hadn't had a
|>"formal" press conference doesn't mean he was hiding. I think it was
|>just the opposite.
|>
When the press claimed the prez was hiding from them, that was
probably a pretty good clue that Slick was avoiding the media.
|>> 31. He counted a rise in the taxes on Social Security as a spending cut.
|>
|> And why not? Money not paid to SS recipients is as much a
|>spending cut as anything else. Call it a tax or a cut, it's still
|>money that the government isn't spending that it would have spend had
|>he not changed policy.
|>
You, hoo. Anyone home? Cutting social security outlays does not cut
the deficit by one cent, (not the real deficit anyway). The SS program
is running a surplus.
|>> 34. "I call on Congress to enact an immediate jobs package of over $30
|>> billion" -- February 1993. The plan contains $15 billion in direct
|>> investment.
|>
|> You can blame the Republicans for this. They said anything
|>over $15 would be instantly shot down. This was the largest amount he
|>thought he could get passed. Evidently it was still too big.
|>>
No, evidently it still had $15 billion too much pork in it.
|>> 38. He vowed to crack down on "those who see the tax code as a table
|>> game to be won," but his plan leaves the top capital-gains-tax
|>> rate at 28 percent, once again creating tax shelter incentives.
|>
|> And how does leaving the capital gains tax at 28% promote
|>loopholes? Would you like Clinton to lower it or raise it?
|>>
Try this one on for size, Brainy Smurf. Top tax rate at 36%. Capital
gains at 28%. Smart taxpayer that has control over where his income comes
from decides that he would rather make most of his money off capital gains
rather than normal income. Smart taxpayer ends up paying at a rate 8% less
than 36%. Get it, now?
|>> 39. "I'm going to tell you, in very plain language, what I plan to do
|>> as president."
|>
|> And how has he not loved up to this?
|>
Ha. Can you say T A X C U T.
|>> 44. After pledging to cut the deficit in half within four years, he now
|>> says it's "impossible."
|>
|> Blame your pal George Bush for publicizing incorrect data.
|>>
Maybe you should blame the congressional budget office--controlled by
democrats, by the way--for coming up with the wrong figures.
|>> 45. "I have to be honest with you: The debt is $50 billion a year bigger
|>> than we were told it was before the election." He said the fact that
|>> the deficit was $346 billion was an "unsettling revelation." But
|>> the previous July he had said, "The projected deficit is up to $400
|>> billion."
|>
|> He was talking about his own projection, which happened to be
|>more correct than he wanted it to be. He figures it'll be $400B, but
|>decided that Bush saying it will be $346B is probably more correct
|>because he has access to more data so he uses that, with a warning
|>that Bush may have been full of manure. He was right on all counts.
|>>
Yup, Comrade Clinton can do no wrong. He never makes a mistake.
Small question. If his initial figures were so much more accurate than
Bush's, and, as he told us repeatedly, he had a plan, then why didn't
his plan take into account this $400 billion that he so presciently
predicted.
|>>
|>> 47. His deficit projections do not include the cost of the savings-and-
|>> loan bailout, which could add $25 billion to both fiscal 1993 and
|>> '94.
|>
|> Wouldn't it have been nice if Bush had told him about these
|>goodies?
|>
Wouldn't have been nice if he would have asked some of his cronies in
congress about those goodies.
|>> 50. Asked what he'd eaten during a campaign stop at Wendy's, he said
|>> he'd ordered grilled chicken and a Diet Coke. He later confessed,
|>> "I also had a small cup of chili. I usually get a large."
|>
|> My GOD! Why hasn't he been impeached yet!
|>>
Good question.
|>> 51. "I'm trying, I'm really working on this" -- on his diet. "Offered
|>> a choice of lamb, beef or chicken as an an entree, he took all three,
|>> plus fish chowder, brocolli, salad, bread, and two scoops of apple
|>> souffle" -- The New Republic, March 15, 1993
|>
|> Not only should he be impeached, he should be shot.
|>Definately.
|>>
Watch it. You could be visited by the SS like I was.
|>> 54. Asked what role Hillary played in his selection of Reno, he said,
|>> "None."
|>
|> Do you have some information that she did? I would guess that
|>she might have had some he didn't realize. Remember that Hillary is
|>his wife and they are together a lot (like any happily married couple
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Looks like you inhaled a lot more than Clinton did. Just what planet
are you from, anyway?
|>is). If politics comes up (which I'm sure it does) she is bound to
|>speak her mind. I see no problem with this. I can't be worse than
|>Nancy Reagan's depending on an astrologer!
|>>
So they piloted the nation based on the stars. At least they did not
claim to have spoken with dead people.
|>> 60. "We are slashing subsidies." In the first year of his plan, farm
|>> subsidies will actually double.
|>
|> First of all, I disagree with him on this one, BUT there are
|>other subsidies than farm subsidies. Tobacco (which should be
|>eliminated), and computer chips for instance.
|>>
|>> 63. Presented with a two-foot pen symbolizing the presidential line-item
|>> veto, he told Republican senators, "I surely look foreward to using
|>> this."
|>
|> Maybe he just meant the pen.
|>>
Maybe Hillary will use it. :-)
|>> 64. "I cut the White House staff by 25 percent." He achieved this by
|>> defining *staff* to exclude hundreds of military communications
|>> personnel at the White House, as well as the Trade Representative's
|>> Office and the Office of Management and Budget.
|>
|> Oooh! You hate it when your own tactics are turned against
|>you! Think about Reagan's definition of the "unemployed". Also, he
|>did cut a large chunk of the White House payroll. Better cut the
|>payroll than put more people out of wor.
|>>
He did? How much money did he cut?
|>> 65. He went to court in March and argued that his wife was "the functional
|>> equivalent of a federal employee." Three days earlier, Hillary had
|>> told reporters questioning her quasi-federal-employee position, "I
|>> kind of view myself in some ways as a citizen representative."
|>
|> Why can't she be both?
|>>
A small, minor, almost unimportant thing, say, like the law, gets in
the way of it.
|>> 66. "Every day I still get up and I feel a lot of gratitude just for
|>> having the chance to serve."
|>
|> I guess you have proof that he doesn't feel this way? Would
|>yo ucare to share it?
|>
Oh, I am sure he does feel a lot of gratitude. Like, what other job is
there where you can hold up an entire airport while you get a $200 haircut.
The guy's lived off the public dole his entire life; it's not like he's
qualified to do anything else. I bet he's very grateful.
|>> 67. He promised, "The old adage 'Mi casa, su casa' will be true when my
|>> house is the White House," then banned smoking.
|>
|> I would have done the same. He doesn't smoke, so why should
|>he be subject to others' smoke? Not only that but Chelsea is 13, so
|>her lungs are especially sensitive to cigarette smoke.
|>>
I suppose that's why after the election there were pictures taken of him
with a large cigar in his mouth.
|>> 69. On why he visited the aircraft carrier Theodore Roosevelt the day he
|>> unveiled his military-base-closings plan: "I need to be here because
|>> I'm commander in chief."
|>
|> Definately. He certainly ISN'T the CIC. How could he think
|>he was?
|>>
Yeah, how could you? It's not like anyone with an IQ above 80 would
actually go to war on the orders of a draft dodger.
|>> 70. "I never broke the laws of my countries."
|>
|> What laws has he broken? When he smoked the pot in England it
|>was legal at the time, btw.
|>>
Yup, there's no problem with lying. Just make sure that there is that
verbal distinction with a difference. I bet adultery is illegal in
Arkansas.
|>> 71. "If I become president, I will have a Cabinet that looks like America"
|>> -- July 1992. Thirteen of his Cabinet's 18 members are lawyers, and
|>> more than three quarters are millionaires.
|>
|> You would rather he walk into downtown DC and just grab people
|>at random? He is a lawyer, therefore he knows more lawyers than
|>anything else, so it would stand to reason that of the people he knows
|>the majority would be lawyers.
|>>
After blasting Bush and the Republicans as elites and the friends of
the rich, does Clinton appoint 7 millionaires like Reagan? Does he appoint
6 millionaires like Bush? No he appoints 9 millionaires.
BTW, he is not a lawyer. He has never practiced anything but feeding at
the public trough.
|>> 72. "I want to appoint one person, one man or woman, to oversee and
|>> coordinate all federal efforts [related to AIDS]." At press time,
|>> he had not gotten around to it.
|>
|> He never said he would do it immediately.
|>>
Yup, he never got around to it, just like his laser-like focus on the
economy. Focused like a laser beam, what a joke.
|>> 74. Asked whether Clinton was preparing to withdraw Baird's nomination on
|>> January 21, Stephanopoulos replied, "Not at this point...Right now, Zoe
|>> Baird is his nominee." About 13 hours later, Baird withdrew.
|>
|> I don't see a lie here. She was a nominee at the time and
|>then she withdrew. Clinton didn't withdraw her nomination. What's
|>the problem?
|>>
Like she just decided by herself to withdraw? Clinton's goons had done
everything short of beating her with rubber hoses to get the point across
that she should withdraw. Small little clue here: When did a nominee
ever have a president march up to the press and say that they no longer
supported the nomination. Nominees always withdraw on their own
"volition". Get a clue, dude.
|>> 75. "I decided to run for president in 1991 because...I was afraid that the
|>> American dream was in danger."
|>
|> I don't see a lie here.
|>>
Yeah, it was just a simple mistake. What he meant to say was, "I decided
to run for president in 1991 because...I was afraid the American dream
was beginning to rekindle and I wanted to snuff it out with the biggest
tax increase in world history."
|>> 76. "It's not our policy to leak stories about potential nominees"
|>> -- Stephanopoulos, denying that the White House had told reporters
|>> that Kimba Wood would be the next attorney general nominee.
|>
|> What's the problem here?
|>
Maybe it's a problem with the fact that the Whitehouse did leak the name
to the press.
|>> 80. Asked about his new personal no-junk-food policy, he clarified, "I
|>> don't necessarily consider McDonald's junk food."
|>
|> They have salads and iced tea right? :-) Ok, you got me here.
|>
He sure does. But what did you expect? He probably saw the sign
outside the big 'M' amd read it as seventy bazillion voters served
here and decided that he couldn't let such an important voting bloc
get alienated.
|>> 82. After urging Bush to get involved in Bosnia throughout the campaign,
|>> Clinton announced in February, "I do not believe that the military of
|>> the United States should get involved unilaterally there now."
|>
|> Again, he had access to much more information one he got
|>elected.
|>>
So why did he open his big mouth and criticize Bush for his policy?
Was he too stupid to realize that the prez has more info? If you ask
me, it does not take anymore info than what you see on TV and read in
a history book to realize that it would be foolhardy to wade into the
fray over there.
|>> 85. He said through a spokeswoman, "The schools in the District of Columbia
|>> and across the country are good schools."
|>
|> Yes, they're good, but the private schools are better. Show
|>me a place where that isn't true.
|>>
Yup, private schools are too good for the regular citizens of the
U.S of A. That's why Clinton promised the UEA to do everything in his
power to prevent people from sending there kids to them.
|>> 86. "He doesn't dye his hair," according to a spokeswoman.
|>
|> Can you prove he does? Also, this isn't him lying, it's a
|>spokeswoman, if he does.
Anyone who doesn't need glasses a half an inch thick could see the
way Slick's hair color changed from day to day. Are you implying that
some spokeswoman just took it upon herself to lie about Clinton's hair?
That Clinton had nothing to do with it? That a bridge in Brooklyn can
be had for the very reasonable price of $5000.
|>> 88. "Mrs. Clinton was Hillary Rodham Clinton all through the campaign
|>> and the transition" -- Hillary Rodham Clinton's press secretary.
|>
|> I first heard the term "Hillary Rodham Cliton" early in the
|>campaign. They just toned it down because people were affraid that
|>she might actually be an intelligent, independant woman. Mercy!
|>>
Precisely. They insisted that the news media refer to her as Hillary
Clinton during the campaign and then changed after the election. Of
course since the people might be afraid that thoroughly justifies the
Clintons deceiving people, right?
|>> 89. In January he said, "I'll miss going down to the Y in the morning,
|>> my blue-collar gymm where there's nobody in bright Spandex outfits."
|>
|> Prove that this isn't the truth. Maybe he likes seeing people
|>in bright Spandex. I know I do. :-)
|>>
I know that no one would enjoy seeing Bill in bright spandex. I shudder
at the very thought.
|>> 90. He said, "It is time for us to realize that there is not a government
|>> program for every problem."
|>
|> There's a problem with this?
|>>
Possibly it is the fact that everything that Clinton has thus far
advocated is diametrically opposed to that statement.
|>> 94. Responding to reports that Clinton is a "closet cigar smoker," an
|>> aide insisted, "He's not a cigar smoker. He chews on them."
|>
|> Prove that he smokes them. My uncle chews on cigars because
|>he things they taste good.
|>>
Does he chew on joints too? Sounds like another variation of "didn't
inhale" to me.
|>> 97. Asked last June whom he would put on the Supreme Court, he said, "I
|>> think Governor [Mario] Cuomo would make a good Supreme Court Justice."
|>
|> Maybe he does think that. I do.
|>>
I don't. But evidence has come to light that before Cuomo took his
name out of the running, no preliminary investigation had been done on
him, unlike other candidates who were in the running. Just one more lie
by the Slickster.
|>> 99. "If Thomas Jefferson were alive today, I would appoint him Secretary of
|>> State. And then I would suggest to Senator Gore that two of us resign
|>> so he could become president."
|>
|> Where's the lie in this?
|>>
If you go back to 2nd grade and read you copy of the Constitution you
would find that Washington wouldn't become president, and not because
Gore would welsh on the deal.
|>-Jason
|>--
|>God is real. Unless declared an int.
|>
Maybe he's a boolean. Either he exists or he doesn't exist.
Larry Denys
Phil Miller
: Did they ever find a lesbian lumberjack with one leg, blue spots, and
: a law degree to fill the spot they were looking for? I heard they searched
: everywhere.
I guess they forgot to look in yer bed.
: I know that no one would enjoy seeing Bill in bright spandex. I shudder
: at the very thought.
That would do it for you, eh?
Tom Hinson
out those of different persuasion (even to the point of goading). In
addition, this is an alt newsgroup, so almost anything goes.
Fallacious argument abounds and I don't know of any poster on this
newsgroup who doesn't (even intentionally?) resort to faulty technique
at times (myself included).
Nonetheless, intellectual dishonesty steps over the bounds in my view.
One form of intellectual dishonesty is a followup that deletes part(s)
of an original post *without even indicating that something has been
snipped*! The following post by Gupta is a case in point. Note that
nowhere does Gupta indicate that he has deleted material.
Is there a *rule* that deletions must be noted? No, but doing so is
not only simple courtesy but also intellectual honesty.
=====================================================================
In article <6DeH5B...@monsoon.com>, s...@monsoon.com (Sunil Gupta) writes:
> tdhi...@miavx1.acs.muohio.edu (Tom Hinson) writes:
>
>> In a previous thread, several a.f.d-q'ers argued that _merely_
>> achieving the position of President was not enough to warrant respect;
>> the person had to _earn_ it. I wonder if any of them currently
>> respect Clinton (and if so, on what basis, pray tell?).
>
> Does not the above statement evince your adoption of said principle,
> or are you merely employing situational ethics?
>
>> As for being "Mr. Sunny Side of the Street" I confess to being an
>> optimist. If at least one side of the street is sunny, then that's
>> the side I'll walk; if neither side is sunny, I'll carry an umbrella
>> and bemoan my fate just like everyone else. But I won't expect anyone
>> else to provide me with an umbrella, much less carry one over me.
>
> One is tempted to suggest that your crossing the street is due more to
> the desire to avoid the homeless people on one side rather than any
> perceived sunlight on the other.
>
>> One final observation: because this is an _alt_ newsgroup (as one
>> a.f.d-q'er reminded me not too long ago), no one seems compelled to be
>> logical, rational, focused, or consistent. Why should _I_ be? :)
>
> And indeed noone would feel compelled to apply those labels to you
> after reading your post. Well, I guess you've answered the first
> question.
>
> - Sunil
======================================================================
Summary response:
Not necessarily.
No.
Do you always answer a(n implied) question with a question?
Did anyone ever counsel you to avoid the temptation of trying to tell
someone else what his motives and desires are?
And indeed noone [sic] should apply labels at all in this
Queen-of-Hearts newsgroup . . . especially you!
Yours in intellectual honesty,
-- Tom