Star Whores 1 [Last Tango on Tatooine]
Lord Vader
STAR WHORES
or LAST TANGO ON TATOOINE
by Jefferson Morris (jfmo...@capaccess.org)
(copyright 1994)
C3PO stepped out the oil bath slowly, savoring the feeling of
his newly-lubricated servomotors and gears sliding sensuously in
place. Ignoring the towel offered to him by R2 (who carefully
averted his baleful blue eye), 3PO stepped demurely over to Luke.
"Luke."
"Call me Master, bitch."
"I see, Sir Luke."
Luke slapped 3PO sharply.
"What do I look like, a Jedi knight? Come on."
3PO gently reached down with one glistening gold hand,
caressing the bulge beneath Luke's sand-worn utility belt. He
smoothed Luke's khaki pants, then moved his hand up to a small
device hanging on the belt.
"Would you like to restrain me, Master?"
Luke gripped the restraining bolt activator tightly,
extricating it from 3PO's grasp.
"What about the condensers on the North Ridge, Master?"
"Fuck 'em."
Luke gently flicked the switch. With a metallic shudder,
barely perceptible in the waning light of the twin sunset, 3PO was
immobilized. Luke waved a hand in front of his eyes.
"Are your speech centers still activated?"
"Yes, Master."
"I want it in Bocce."
"Suuejik gelia iksta moom." (I'm hot and ready)
"You like it with humans, don't you, whoredroid?"
"Suuejik huis napra refilia." (I fuckin' love it)
Luke dropped to one knee, his eyes fixed on 3PO's gleaming
groin. He licked it brusquely, leaving a filmy swath of saliva
over its glistening sheen, obscuring the reflection of his own
flushed visage. He pried 3PO's codpiece loose and began chanting
rhythmically, breathlessly.
"I'm gonna get a dianoga, and I'm gonna have the dianoga fuck
you. And the dianoga's gonna vomit in your face, and I want you to
swallow the vomit. You gonna do that for me?"
"Woon." (Yes) 3PO tingled at the thought of the dianoga's
long, slimy tentacles wrapping themselves around him, its red,
bulging penis (often mistaken for an eye on a stalk) forcing itself
into his warm metallic confines.
"I want the dianoga to die while you're fucking him. Then I
want you to go behind and smell the dying farts of a dianoga. You
gonna do all that for me?"
"Woon, iksta baga lampeel. Baga lampeel!" (Yes, and more
than that. And more!)
Luke gripped his modestly-sized penis. As soft and shapeless
as a dead mynock. He snorted.
"I'm not hard yet, whoredroid. Tell me a story. Something
dirty that'll get me going."
"I'm sorry sir, I'm really just an interpreter, and not very
good at telling dirty stories."
Luke looked up at him, his eyes shining. "You know what I did
to my last protocol droid?"
"No, master."
"Disintegrated his ass. Improvise, whoredroid."
3PO's circuits began blazing, trying to come up with
something. He began shaking with the effort.
"Well master, uh...a long time ago..."
"Yeah?" Luke began masturbating listlessly.
"On a planet...really far away..."
"Go on, whore."
"There was this new hope for, uh...Actually it was a dark time
for the...Rebellious Fighters."
"Which was it?"
"Well it was a dark time...but there was also a new hope. The
Rebellious Fighters had just...stolen the blueprints for a space
station built by the...the evil Galaxy Federation."
Luke dropped his flaccid penis. "You're right, you can't tell
stories for shit. Well, you had your chance." Luke wearily got to
his feet.
"Viilesa japsta womoni pustell iks bambam." (Master, I am
fluent in over 6 million forms of fellatio)
"Save it for the Spice Mines of Kessel. Or maybe I'll just
blast you into...who-the-fuck-knows-what?" Luke unhooked his
blaster from his belt, and put it on its highest setting. 3PO
began trembling.
"Viilesa, gradoo!" (Master, wait!)
"Now what the fuck?"
"R2 is projecting some kind of message."
"Yeah, right."
"The message appears to be important. A young lady."
"Is she hot?"
3PO shrugged. "Nothing to shout about."
"Shut the fuck up, then. Fucking protocol bullshit. I told
Uncle Asshole I didn't want another babbling protocol 'bot. But
whatever Luke wants, he has to do the opposite. Sometimes I wish
some Imperials would burn his wrinkled ass down with a blaster on
low. Set me free from this shithole. I'd lick their boots clean."
"Human-cyborg relations, huh kid?" The familiar voice
startled Luke. He whipped his head around. A dark figure stood in
the corner of the bay, leaning insouciantly on Luke's T-16.
Slowly, he stepped out of the shadows.
"Good with droids is one thing. Good with the living. That's
something else." Solo's disarming, lopsided grin spread over his
handsome face. Luke's heart sped up a beat.
"Feel like partying, Solo?"
"Kid, I been from one end of the galaxy to the other, I've
seen some pretty strange stuff, but..."
"Save it, Han. Smuggle anything in your ass lately?"
"Try smuggling this, kid. Beru said it was a treasure more
precious than stolen data tapes." Han pulled his perfectly
circumcised cock out from behind his zipper. It glistened with
pre-ejaculate, the urethra hanging slightly open like an expectant
mouth. It reminded Luke of the new vaporator he had installed on
the South Ridge last week, protruding from the landscape and
hungrily sucking moisture from the parched Tatooine air.
"What a piece of junk."
"It's the dick that made the Kessel run in less than 12
parsecs. It may not look like much, but it's got it where it
counts, kid. I've made a few special modifications myself."
"Tired of Wookiees, huh?"
"You should talk, puttin' the moves on Goldenrod. Next you'll
be programming binary load lifters and shaking down jawas for
landspeeder rides. I shudder."
"You think I dig mechanicals? I was just about to burn this
metal prickteaser down."
Han pulled his own blaster from its holster. "I can arrange
that." He flipped the safety off.
3PO's eyes widened...
The blasts illuminated the bay like a flashbulb. 3PO's limbs
scattered in all directions. A whiff of ozone settled over the
room. Luke and Han put away their guns.
"What are you gonna tell your uncle?"
"I don't know. I'll tell him it had a bad motivator. Won't
be the first time."
"Beru tells me your uncle has a bit of a bad motivator
himself."
"Yeah, she gets the itch bad. Put the moves on me once."
"No shit, kid. How was she?"
"Dry as the South Ridge. We almost caught fire. The lowest
point of my otherwise shitty life. Why do you think I'm hustling
droids?"
Han slapped his thigh. "Today's your lucky day, kid. You
ever make it with a Corellian?"
"Can't remember."
"What are you waiting for, a writ from the Emperor?"
Luke strode over and gripped Han's shaft, which seemed to
squirm in his hand like an exotic fish. It swelled with blood, as
if it was taking a breath.
"You're hung like a ewok, for Christ's sake. The Sarlacc
wouldn't swallow this."
Han smirked. "You've sucked off so many Womp Rats, you don't
know a real dick when you see it. I've made Tauntauns blush."
"No wonder they call you 'Hand Solo.' I've got a bad feeling
about this." Luke held Han's cock between thumb and forefinger,
examining it clinically.
"What did you expect, an ion cannon? If you can't make it to
hyperspace it won't be my fault, kid. You've been stretched by
every Snaggletooth and Stormtrooper in the sector. Show me one toy
in this bay that wasn't bought with some lonely Imperial fruit's
per diem, and I'll eat a bowl of Wampa shit. They've got your
biography up in the cantina bathroom. You should read it
sometime."
"I wrote some of it."
"Is it true you can ride a Bantha through your ass?"
"On a warm day."
"On this dust ball? You got any Banthas around?"
"I'm off Banthas. Krayt dragons are my kick now."
"Then don't blame me. Use the Force. Either that or hit the
bricks and open up a leather bar in the Jundland Wastes."
Luke began working Han's cock in his hand, kneading it like
dough. Han closed his eyes.
"How's Biggs?" Han's voice was barely a whisper.
"Big as ever. He's still working drunk Tuskan Raiders on
weekends. Saving up for the Academy."
"And that old Jap fossil you used to hang with? Oki-Ben
Whatshisname?"
"That wizard's just a horny old man. Stumbles through Mos
Eisley babbling about the Clone Wars and showing minors his
'lightsaber.' Needs the Force to get it up. Then he feeds 'em a
line of shit about how their fathers were Jedis, and how they were
offed by 'a pupil of mine, before he turned to evil, blah blah
blah.' Can you believe he still catches people with that shit?"
"So you got the fuck out?"
"Fuck yeah. Split when I found him with Greedo's cock
mysteriously stuck up his ass. 'Vital to the survival of the
rebellion,' he said." Luke shook his head. "Old bastard."
"Tough break, kid. What was your father, anyway?"
"A navigator on a spice freighter."
"Another space-lifer, huh? Whatever happened to him?"
"Got gang-fucked to death by a bunch of bounty hunters on Ord
Mantell. So they say."
"Sorry to hear that, kid."
"I don't give a shit anymore."
"Well in that case..." Han's right hand slid slowly into
Luke's pants, playing over his soft buttocks. "Let me hang you,
Luke."
Luke shrugged. "Boring conversation, anyway."
*********
Luke slowly extracted the hydrospanner from his rectum, then
fell with a fluid, sated plop, piss and shit running over his
thighs. Han waved an arm in front of his face.
"What an incredible smell you've discovered."
"Fuck you, Corellian."
Han was already lighting up a Tibanna gas pipe. He held the
gas in his lungs, then passed the pipe to Luke.
"Good shit. I've got a connection on Bespin."
"Who doesn't?" Luke inhaled sharply, nearly coughing.
"So what are you gonna do now, kid?"
"I don't know. Stick around one more season, tops. Maybe
join the Imperial Legion. A lot of new jobs on that Death Star."
"I hear you can't see shit out of those helmets. A pregnant
Dewback could be lying next to you and you wouldn't notice unless
you looked right at it. And the armor is shit. You take a drained
blaster shot in the ankle and you're galactically fucked."
"Well...it's a living, right?"
"That it is, kid. That it is." Han blew a smoke ring at the
ceiling, then coughed. "What about that Jedi thing? You still
blindfolding yourself and letting remotes zap you in the ass?"
"I'd rather blow a dead Ugnaught in a sandcrawler's john."
"No, in other words?"
"I can't believe I was once that stupid."
"Believe it."
"Eat me."
Han and Luke sat in silence. Luke reached for a tissue, and
wiped semen from his hand, frowning.
"My uncle smells you on me and I won't eat for a month. I'll
be bumming rootleaf at the Tosche station."
Han slapped his knees with both hands and got up.
"Where are my shorts, kid?"
"Fuck should I know?"
Han found his clothes and began dressing. He squinted at R2.
"You know, that droid over there has been playing the same
message over and over all night."
"I'm gonna have its memory erased. Never buy from a drunk
Jawa."
"Who's the chick? Wouldn't mind smuggling something in her."
"Some princess."
"A message for you? Shit, kid, I'd go for it."
"With my luck we're probably related."
"Well then, you think a princess and a guy like me..."
Luke blew a raspberry. "Probably only fucks other members of
the Alderaanian royal family. Gotta preserve the bloodline."
"I was on Alderaan once, on leave from the fleet. Couldn't
get a spice-addicted whore for 1000 credits. Corellian come ain't
tasty enough, I guess. Everybody there thinks they shit ice cream.
Somebody ought to blow up that fucking planet."
"Amen. Maybe I'll deactivate that droid and make it into a
waste disposal unit."
Han began dancing around the room, pitching his voice like a
little girl. "'Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope! Help
me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope! Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi,
I just blew the pope!"
Luke laughed, and sucked the last wisp out of the pipe.
"This bud's dead."
Han abruptly stopped dancing. "Yeah, I better get back.
Chewie's probably pulled someone's prick out of its socket by now.
Never should have bought that chess game. Need anything?"
"Just somebody to teleport me off this fucking rock. If
there's an asshole of the universe, we're on the planet that's
closest to it."
"10,000 credits and I'll take you. You're pretty good in bed.
I could use you."
"You think your dick is made of carbonite? I'll pass."
"What are you gonna do?"
"Pick my ass and eat it, I guess. So long, Solo."
Han's voice was suddenly serious. "May the Force be with you,
kid."
Luke spat a brownish lunger on the floor. "Stick the Force up
your ass."
Han grinned, flipped Luke the bird, and left.
Alex
Could someone repost the whole thing? I've only got 1, 8 and 9.
Alex