american travellers tourist france advise help

[jarhead]

The following advisory for American travellers heading for France was compiled
from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence
Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the
Centres for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the
French don't know about. It is intended as a guide for American travellers
only.
No guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.
General overview: France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the
continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though
not nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain,
Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not
very good shopping.
France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and
EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilisation are champagne,
Camembert cheese and the guillotine.
Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning
is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One
continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people wilfully
persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in
any foreign country, watch your change at all times.
The People: France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink
and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and
have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general
gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are
their good points.
Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from
their behaviour. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common.
Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they
hand out medals.
American travellers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps
and colourful trousers for easier mutual recognition.
Safety: In general, France is a safe destination, though travellers are advised
that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French
surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch
whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market
prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before.
A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been
opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.
History: France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important
historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau
and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.
Government: The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections
are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For
administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments,
districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor
tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though,
confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either
Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly.
Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South
Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most
current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named
Jacques. Further information is not vailable at this time.
Culture: The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to
see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie
that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes. And nothing, of
course, is more boring than a French novel.
Cuisine: Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is
just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are
excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word.
In general, travellers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels
such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.
Economy: France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's
in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are
not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking
the roads with their lorries and tractors. France's principal exports, in order
of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided
missiles, champagne, high-calibre weaponry, grenade launchers, landmines,
tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
Public holidays: France has more holidays than any other nation in the world.
Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation
Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in
Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile
Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the
Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays are National
Nuclear Bomb Day January 12), the Feast of St Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1),
and National Guillotine Day (November 12).
Conclusion: France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape,
and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it
weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for it is
that it is not Germany.
A word of warning: The consular services of the United States government are
intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such
as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation.
In the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at
least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of
5.l5 am and 5.20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is
supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists
or something similarly useless.

Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. We advise you to take your holidays
at Miami Beach.

[waggg]

I hope you'll fit better there ...

FU2 : alt.support.schizophrenia