Help Kibo Divorce Barbara Bain!
James Kibo Parry
Okay, I've been married to Barbara Bain for 23 hours, and I've only had sex
four times, and she's not all that good. Also I never can tell when she's
trolling me, I wish she had a ":-)" or ":-(" or something she could put on
her forehead to indicate her emotions, if she has any, to other people.
And I keep getting confused when she stands next to my somewhat melted wax
sculpture of a faceless robot that was sandblasted. And my fingers are all
wrinkly from helping her out of those wet paper bags she keeps trying to
act her way out of.
So, I need a divorce soon, or I will go insane. Like Steve Jobs.
The problem is, I'm co-dependent enough that I can't go a day without being
married to a BIG TV STAR, so before the divorce I'll have to re-marry my
ex-wife, the vivacious and energetic Claudia Christian, formerly of TV's
"Babylon 5". Only then can I split with the eerily Kubrickian Barbara
Bain.
But there's a catch. Claudia will only take me back if I prove my manhood
by demonstrating that I'm a bigger genius than Steve Jobs is. I can do this
only by thinking of a better, faster, cheaper, and more sadistic way of
destroying Apple Computer Inc. than Steve Jobs can, and I'm not up to the task.
So far I've tried:
* Announcing that from now on Mac OS will have hardware copy protection
that makes you type in a made-up city population from a dark red sheet
printed in light blue every time you click the mouse or press a key.
* Making a new computer shaped like Carl Sagan.
* Replacing the buggy handwriting recognition in the Newton with
100% accurate fatass recognition, which makes every Newton shout,
"HEY!!! YOU GOT SOME FAT ASS!!!" all the time, even when turned off.
* Ensuring that every copy of Apple's new "Rhapsody" operating system
will have the same serial number but a different version number.
* Porting Mac OS to run ONLY on a Blip handheld game from the seventies.
I don't mean all Blip games from the seventies, I mean *a* Blip game.
It would then be filled with gunpowder and launched into the Sun.
* Redesigning all of Apple's computers to use a five-thousand-volt
power supply, and eliminating all insulation and the case to save money.
Also they will all include a free durian jammed into the hottest part.
* Moving the Apple corporate office to Troy, New York and renaming the
company "Rancid Squidmaster Computers, Where We Listen To Vanilla Ice."
We will simplify licensing by merely requiring all Mac users to use
Mac OS on the corporate property in Troy. We will encourage brand
recognition by using scratch-and-sniff ads to make people associate
Apple computers with the smell of Troy.
* Telling Motorola, Apple's primary supplier of PowerPC chips, to go
screw themselves because Apple's so clever it can make computers without
any sort of chips in them. Also the computers will be guaranteed to
make every user able to fly, or we'll pay each of them a billion dollars.
* Gathering all of Apple's assets, inventory, records, personnel, and
stock certificates and detonating a big nuclear warhead to vaporize them.
None of these strategies is as efficient as Steve Jobs's plan for
destroying Apple from the inside. This is where YOU come in!
YOU CAN HELP KIBO DESTROY APPLE! And then Kibo can divorce the
harrowingly unimpeachable Barbara Bain!
Please post your ideas for how to destroy Apple to alt.religion.kibology.
NOTE: Do not mail ideas for how to destroy alt.religion.kibology to Apple.
-- K.
The form factor of the
Mac ecosystem's zero
maintenance application
memory footprint
in the Yellow Box's
resource fork's metadata
has driven Steve Jobs insane!
E Teflon Piano
In article <kibo-ya02408000R...@news.std.com>,
ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) wrote:
}
}Please post your ideas for how to destroy Apple to alt.religion.kibology.
Convince the Apple Board of Directors to hire that guy who thought up
"New Coke" as the new CEO by using MacRumors to inject the threat of Paul
Allen using his proxies to force Microsoft to force Apple to offer *one*
free clone license for CHRP technology to "whomsoever can pull a stick
from a dead, butt-head astronomer's ascii-note address at Macworld-Vogue
1998. Then get that New Coke Guy to force the Education Market to take
free upgrades to Mac OS 8.666, which includes a special "easter egg" where
sometimes Applekey-S uses the Speech Manager to blurt out "Animal House's"
John Belushi's coughing fit during the trial scene. The other times it
briefly flashes a PICT of Bill Gates' wife's hooters in the menu-bar,
instead of the the little oil-slick Apple logo. Also there will be a
special control panel to log on to the net and forge Steve Job's private
e-mail and route it to the Times Square Giganti-tron print spooker. The
first e-mail will be an internal memo deriding advice to change the
version number of the Education Package to something less satanic on the
grounds that "those fundy trailer trash don't have the money to buy nor
brains to use our products anyways." The second will be a memo suggesting
that Oracle become the database provider for the NAMBLA, because "the name
is phonetically postitioned" to take advantage of this synergy.
--
E Teflon Piano is now AppleEvent aware, and is running under Mac OS 8.
ŠE[dibs] 1994-1997
Beverley R. White
In article <kibo-ya02408000R...@news.std.com>,
James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:
>Okay, I've been married to Barbara Bain for 23 hours, and I've only had sex
>four times, and she's not all that good. Also I never can tell when she's
>trolling me, I wish she had a ":-)" or ":-(" or something she could put on
>her forehead to indicate her emotions, if she has any, to other people.
Is that kind of like the Sailorsenshi when the astrological symbols flashed
on their foreheads so Luna the Cat knew who they were? Would that mean that
Barbara Bain could turn into Sailor Smiley?
That scares me. Barbara Bain in an exaggerated sailor suit spinning around
a bunch of :-)s is scary.
>* Porting Mac OS to run ONLY on a Blip handheld game from the seventies.
> I don't mean all Blip games from the seventies, I mean *a* Blip game.
> It would then be filled with gunpowder and launched into the Sun.
So MacOS would run over top of Solaris, then?
Yep! That'll do it. Slow as fukk.
--
bev. do unto me as i want to do to you.
Jaffo
:}
:}Please post your ideas for how to destroy Apple to alt.religion.kibology.
You could like, sneak up to Steve Jobs and like, put his hand in a bowl of
warm water while he's sleeping, and then he would like PISS HIS PANTS and then
all the other Execs at Apple would jump up and point at him and laugh and say
HAHAHAHAHAHA you pissed your pants you stupid baby!
And then he would destroy the company just to get revenge on them.
I think this is what happened to Netscape, because my stock is down 47% since
last January. It's the only logical explanation.
Jaffo
P.S. This technique has already been tried on Bill Gates, but it didn't work
because he uses rubber sheets.
--
Actually, a forest fire is MUCH easier to control than a government. A fire
cannot change the rules it operates under when it is attacked. A fire can't
vote itself immune to water.
Outtatune
On Sun, 14 Sep 1997 12:18:39 -0500, ja...@onramp.net (Jaffo), in a
blaze of cybernetic lucidity said:
>You could like, sneak up to Steve Jobs and like, put his hand in a bowl of
>warm water while he's sleeping, and then he would like PISS HIS PANTS and then
>all the other Execs at Apple would jump up and point at him and laugh and say
>HAHAHAHAHAHA you pissed your pants you stupid baby!
>
>And then he would destroy the company just to get revenge on them.
I recall an A&E documentary on Jobs and Apple... it was made less than
8 years ago. Jobs was still fuming over being booted from *his*
company.
I truly believe Jobs is out to kill Apple because HE couldn't be the
one to run it when it was riding high. I think he is having revenge on
everyone that had anything to do with his being ousted for the
soda-pop prince. A true dog-in-the-manager scenario.
Selling out to Gates is just icing on the cake. The ultimate
sacriledge and subversion of Apple to its only 'nemesis'.
-----------------------------------------------------
Cynic - n., An idealist whose rose-colored glasses
have been removed, snapped in two and stomped into
the ground, immediately improving his vision.
Jaffo
In alt.religion.kibology, on Sun, 14 Sep 1997 19:40:03 GMT, Outtatune said:
:I recall an A&E documentary on Jobs and Apple... it was made less than
:8 years ago. Jobs was still fuming over being booted from *his*
:company.
:
:I truly believe Jobs is out to kill Apple because HE couldn't be the
:one to run it when it was riding high.
You may very well be right. I have news for all these people who lose control
of THEIR companies.
Call this Business Finance 101. It's my advice for Gary Gygax and Steve Jobs.
If you want to maintain control of your company, STOP GIVING AWAY YOUR STOCK!
Find another source for the money, scale down operations and DON'T trust
outside parties with huge chunks of your enterprise!
And if you get so desperate for money that you turn control over to others,
DON'T BITCH when they exercise control over what they bought!
Stock purchases are not merely a LOAN. They are an exchange of control for
cash, and if you get so desperate for cash that you give away too much
control, you WILL eventually get screwed, no matter how trustworthy you think
these people are.
Because when THOSE people get desperate, they can sell control of YOUR company
to OTHER PEOPLE who may not even have a CLUE about how to manage your company.
Gary Gygax has a web page where he whines about how he lost control of TSR.
All because one of his partners divorced or something and his wife got control
of the stock. Gygax doesn't mention that he gave away that stock willingly,
and that he got money in return for that stock.
If you want to keep control of your company, DON'T SELL STOCK. And if you
really are as good as you say you are, the company will prosper under your 51%
ownership and you won't NEED anyone else.
But I'm getting tired of these boy geniuses who turn over the keys to their
enterprise to "less talented" people in exchange for instant cash and then act
all shocked and cheated when the people they sold to get together and boot
their prima-donna asses out on the street.
This isn't monopoly money, and it's not a dorm room poker game. You can't
come up after it's over and say, "I didn't really mean to bet that much on
that last hand, can I have my $20 back?"
If you're such hot stuff that you don't need your partners, go it alone, start
a new company, or use your earnings to buy stock FROM THEM so you maintain
control.
And, most important, if you don't think someone is competent to run your
business, don't give them stock! Find the money somewhere else! Get a sole
proprietorship and take it on the road!
Or admit that maybe you COULDN'T do it alone, and without those partners, you
wouldn't have an Apple Computer at all.
And then you can take your genius brain elsewhere and start Pixar or
something.
I'm sick and tired of people whining about the consequences of their own
actions, when the rules of the game are written clearly in black and white
before they start the game.
He who holds the stock, holds the power. If you want the power, HANG ON TO
THE STOCK DAMMIT!
Jaffo
M. Otis Beard
James Kibo Parry wrote:
>
> Please post your ideas for how to destroy Apple to alt.religion.kibology.
Why don't you just get Barbara Bain to marry Apple instead and watch
them destroy each other from the inside out? Two birds with one stone,
and all that.
If that doesn't work, you could spread a rumor that Apple is spraying
their computers with Alar before they leave the factory. It would work
in California, anyway.
Nick S Bensema
>destroying Apple from the inside. This is where YOU come in!
>YOU CAN HELP KIBO DESTROY APPLE! And then Kibo can divorce the
>harrowingly unimpeachable Barbara Bain!
>
Three words: "Port Windows 95".
--
Nick Bensema <ni...@primenet.com> 98-KUPD Red Card Holder #710563
~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Hey, that kinda looks like... Tom Selleck!"
Tlerll
In <kibo-ya02408000R...@news.std.com>, ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) writes:
{snip}
>None of these strategies is as efficient as Steve Jobs's plan for
>destroying Apple from the inside. This is where YOU come in!
>YOU CAN HELP KIBO DESTROY APPLE! And then Kibo can divorce the
>harrowingly unimpeachable Barbara Bain!
>
>Please post your ideas for how to destroy Apple to alt.religion.kibology.
Always glad to help Kibo. Here are my ideas:
* Make a new mac called the "Satanica 666", and move the company to a
"conservative christian community"(looney bin).
* Name new OS after Freuid (sp?). Move company next to a church of $cientology.
* Make Mac OS 9 CRAPPIER than Windows '95! Microsoft sues for copywright
infringement. Claims to have copywright on crappiness, suckiness, etc..
* Have apple make it's own version of the WEBTV!
***====******===******==******=******====***
*==Tlerll==**==who==**==is==**==a==**==Bozo==*
***====******===******==******=******====***
Jaffo
In alt.religion.kibology, on 15 Sep 1997 02:38:58 GMT, Paul Alan Sturm said:
:One would tend to think that Jaffo had a Whole Stack of ready-made axes to
:grind, for when the opportunity presents itself.
:
:'Course I agree with 'im 9/10 times.
All work and no play make Jaffo something something....
Go crazy?
DON'T MIND IF I DO!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHA!
Paul Alan Sturm
Jaffo (ja...@onramp.net) wrote:
: In alt.religion.kibology, on Sun, 14 Sep 1997 19:40:03 GMT, Outtatune said:
: :I recall an A&E documentary on Jobs and Apple... it was made less than
: :8 years ago. Jobs was still fuming over being booted from *his*
: :company.
: You may very well be right. I have news for all these people who lose control
: of THEIR companies.
[MAYJORSNIP]
: He who holds the stock, holds the power. If you want the power, HANG ON TO
: THE STOCK DAMMIT!
One would tend to think that Jaffo had a Whole Stack of ready-made axes to
grind, for when the opportunity presents itself.
'Course I agree with 'im 9/10 times.
--
Paul Sturm lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit, sed
diam nonummy nibh euismod tincidunt ut laoreet dolore magna aliquam erat
st...@cs.umn.edu volutpat. Ut wisi enim ad minim, lorem ipsum dolor sit.
A.J. Tolland
On 14 Sep 1997, it was written:
> }Please post your ideas for how to destroy Apple to alt.religion.kibology.
Turn management of Apple over to financial wizard Archimedes
Plutonium.
A.J. Tolland Soon to Be: a-to...@NOT-THIS.midway.uchicago.edu
"Will Work For Good .Sig Quotes."
Steven "Gazebo" Ehrbar
James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote in article
<kibo-ya02408000R...@news.std.com>...
> But there's a catch. Claudia will only take me back if I prove my
manhood
> by demonstrating that I'm a bigger genius than Steve Jobs is. I can do
this
> only by thinking of a better, faster, cheaper, and more sadistic way of
> destroying Apple Computer Inc. than Steve Jobs can, and I'm not up to the
task.
HOW TO DESTROY APPLE:
1) Hire Maya Angelu to write the helpfiles and documentatation, in verse
form. All Mac users will then simultaneously either blow their brains out
or start watching Oprah. Either way, they'll never buy a Mac again.
2) Get the rights to the OS/2 Warp for PowerPC and Windows NT for PPC
intallation programs. Use the OS/2 installer to install the NT installer
which will install -- the MkLinux installer, which installs... a 8086
emulator and CP/M-86.
3) A SWASKITA ON EVERY BOX!
4) Order the programmers to write Rhapsody in VisualBasic with COBOL
subroutines. Remember to hard-code the first three digits of the year in
all routines as 175.
5) Hire the last six CEOs of GM to serve as the "Executive CEO Committee"
Matt McIrvin
Tlerll <tle...@earthlink.N0B1FFZ.net> wrote:
> * Have apple make it's own version of the WEBTV!
You never saw a Bandai/(Apple) @World, did you? (Few did, outside of
Japan. This is the machine that Kibo and I pestered the guy about at the
1996 Boston MacWorld Expo. He showed us the "RETRUN" (sic) key on the
keyboard and said the price would be "under $200, HA HA HA HA!!! No,
seriously, folks, about $500." Then it failed to display the following
awesome picture file, which was inlined at the time, on my Web page:
http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/malted.jpg
Forget black! EVERYTHING BROWN! This much brown-ness is too much for
a Bandai @World.)
--
Font-o-Meter! Proportional Monospaced
^
Physics, humor, Stanislaw Lem reviews: http://world.std.com/~mmcirvin/
Rat Boy
In article <kibo-ya02408000R...@news.std.com>
ki...@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) writes:
> The problem is, I'm co-dependent enough that I can't go a day without being
> married to a BIG TV STAR, so before the divorce I'll have to re-marry my
> ex-wife, the vivacious and energetic Claudia Christian, formerly of TV's
> "Babylon 5". Only then can I split with the eerily Kubrickian Barbara
> Bain.
Claudia Christian, Barbara "Pour Le" Bain...lemme guess: Anouk Aimee
is the future ex-Mrs. Kibo, no? Then the cycle starts over again with
either Zha-Zha or ZZ Top.
Am I right?
> Please post your ideas for how to destroy Apple to alt.religion.kibology.
Simple. A giant worm.
--k.
Nick S Bensema
In article <01bcc199$9f6e6320$LocalHost@win95>,
YEAH! RAZOR-SHRAP SWASTIKA-SHAPED SHURIKEN!
With full-color instructions on how to kill small animals and children
with them.
Michael Straight
On Sun, 14 Sep 1997, James Kibo Parry wrote:
> Please post your ideas for how to destroy Apple to alt.religion.kibology.
For a very modest fee, the Internet 'Lectronic Legal Society can produce
an apt loon, er, disgruntled former Apple employee who can testify that:
1. Apple has for years intentionally marketed their product to kids.
2. Apple was fully aware of the addictive properties of Macintosh
computers and in some cases they purposely manipulated the product
to increase the level of addictiveness.
3. Studies show that the rainbow-apple-with-missing-byte logo is more
recognizable to school children than the throbbing Netscape 'N' or
the AT&T Death Star.
4. Jesse Helms doesn't give a damn about the farmers who grow components
for Macintosh computers.
5. Millions of PC users suffer from second-hand GUI.
Michael Straight forgets what position he holds with the ILLS.
FLEOEVDETYHOEUPROEONREWMEILECSOFMOERSGTIRVAENRGEEARDSTVHIESBIITBTLHEEPSRIACYK
Ethical Mirth Gas/"I'm chaste alright."/Magic Hitler Hats/"Hath grace limits?"
"Irate clam thighs!"/Chili Hamster Tag/The Gilt Charisma/"I gather this calm."
Sean Smith
>
>Okay, I've been married to Barbara Bain for 23 hours, and I've only had sex
>four times, and she's not all that good. Also I never can tell when she's
>trolling me, I wish she had a ":-)" or ":-(" or something she could put on
>her forehead to indicate her emotions, if she has any, to other people.
>sculpture of a faceless robot that was sandblasted. And my fingers are all
>wrinkly from helping her out of those wet paper bags she keeps trying to
>act her way out of.
>
>So, I need a divorce soon, or I will go insane. Like Steve Jobs.
>
a week, you'll be doing threesomes and foursomes with, say, Marisa Berenson or
Helen Shaver. And your life will have meaning again.
>The problem is, I'm co-dependent enough that I can't go a day without being
>married to a BIG TV STAR, so before the divorce I'll have to re-marry my
>ex-wife, the vivacious and energetic Claudia Christian, formerly of TV's
>"Babylon 5". Only then can I split with the eerily Kubrickian Barbara
>Bain.
>
*Sigh*, Kibo, you're my fave. Only you could use the phrase "Kubrickian"
and make it seem almost _dirty_.
>But there's a catch. Claudia will only take me back if I prove my manhood
>by demonstrating that I'm a bigger genius than Steve Jobs is. I can do this
>only by thinking of a better, faster, cheaper, and more sadistic way of
>destroying Apple Computer Inc. than Steve Jobs can, and I'm not up to the task.
>
>So far I've tried:
>
[snippa, snippa]
>
>* Moving the Apple corporate office to Troy, New York and renaming the
> company "Rancid Squidmaster Computers, Where We Listen To Vanilla Ice."
> We will simplify licensing by merely requiring all Mac users to use
> Mac OS on the corporate property in Troy. We will encourage brand
> recognition by using scratch-and-sniff ads to make people associate
> Apple computers with the smell of Troy.
>
Does it include the odor of the fella I used to see loitering outside the
Holmes and Watson tavern? The one who could make the milk in supermarkets
curdle simply by walking through the door? I saw him go by a construction site
once, and by the time he had reached the next block I swear some of the girders
had begun to sag.
>None of these strategies is as efficient as Steve Jobs's plan for
>destroying Apple from the inside. This is where YOU come in!
>YOU CAN HELP KIBO DESTROY APPLE! And then Kibo can divorce the
>harrowingly unimpeachable Barbara Bain!
>
>Please post your ideas for how to destroy Apple to alt.religion.kibology.
>
OK, you and Matt McIrvin put on long-hair wigs, little granny glasses and
mod late-60s clothes, then call a press conference. Speaking in good-natured,
working-class, Northern English accents, announce that you'll give money to
anyone who wants to make a film or an album or any kind of project. You'll be
bankrupt in just a few months!
Sean ("Can you get Barbara to dress up like an avant-garde
Japanese artist?") Smith
smt...@bcvms.bc.edu
Because some things
can't be helped--http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/6504;
Featuring "Daze and Quirks"
@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@
"... And I have heard many impudently say, that they have chosen their
Wives, and Wives their Husbands, by dancing. Which plainly proveth the
Wickedness of it."
Philip Stubbes - The Anatomy of Abuses 1573
Nick S Bensema
In article <kibo-ya02408000R...@news.std.com>,
James "Kibo" Parry <ki...@world.std.com> wrote:
>Okay, I've been married to Barbara Bain for 23 hours, and I've only had sex
>four times, and she's not all that good. Also I never can tell when she's
>trolling me, I wish she had a ":-)" or ":-(" or something she could put on
>her forehead to indicate her emotions, if she has any, to other people.
>And I keep getting confused when she stands next to my somewhat melted wax
>sculpture of a faceless robot that was sandblasted. And my fingers are all
>wrinkly from helping her out of those wet paper bags she keeps trying to
>act her way out of.
>
>So, I need a divorce soon, or I will go insane. Like Steve Jobs.
>
>married to a BIG TV STAR, so before the divorce I'll have to re-marry my
>ex-wife, the vivacious and energetic Claudia Christian, formerly of TV's
>"Babylon 5". Only then can I split with the eerily Kubrickian Barbara
>Bain.
>
>by demonstrating that I'm a bigger genius than Steve Jobs is. I can do this
>only by thinking of a better, faster, cheaper, and more sadistic way of
>destroying Apple Computer Inc. than Steve Jobs can, and I'm not up to the task.
You could prove your genius by creating a video game simpler than Breakout.
How about getting rid of the bricks? Or how about the paddle?
(Actually, I remember a Breakout clone written in BASIC for the PET and
Commodore 64 that gave you that exact option: to play without a paddle.
It would put up this fourth wall with a hole in it, and put the ball in
a random place and just let it bounce around until "you" lost the ball.
It was in a collection that included "atari ii", a clone of Space Zap
which I don't even think was made by Atari.)
--
Nick Bensema <ni...@primenet.com> 98-KUPD Red Card Holder #710563
~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Mmmph mm mmph mm mmm!!!" -Kenny
Gary Williams
No, no! You've got it backwards!
What you need to do is leave Apple alone:
it destroyed itself years ago,
when it inserted itself in the schools.
What you need to do is positive:
resurect Zilog!
Produce a processor that copies all others
and has extra features for each!
You can do it!
-- Gary
----
Stupid, yes; marketable, definitely!