The final hour! and it hurts like hell!!!
A.J.M.
Well it started about 2 1/2 months ago. We've been married for 5 1/2 years
and yes we seperated because she was not sure of the relationship and how
felt about me. Something like, " I love you but, not like a wife should
love a husband." We had had our problems but, like any marriage you work
thru them together. So I gave her the space because I thought it was a
phase she was going thru. Thru those 2 1/2 months we occasionally made love
and it felt like old tmes. There were rumors that she was seeing other
people but, I feel confident that she wasn't (Just people that have no life
and trying to create problems.)
I went out and kept myself busy with friends and family but, nothing like
the love we once had.
Now we've come down to the wire. She asked me to sit down a divide up our
assets and close any accounts we have jointly. Everything has been
completely amicable and very friendly. She and I have decided not seek
lawyers because they just make war. We don't have any kids and she seems to
want everything I don't and I want everything she doesn't. So that part
seems OK but, now she wants to make it final and get a divorce! I kinda
thought it would come to this but deep down inside I prayed and believed
that she would come around and we could save it. I don't want to give up!!
But how can you force someone to stay or work it out, by the way he is
going to counseling. I just want to say that this GODDAMM HURTS!! More than
anything I've ever experienced before. I'm a very handsome man, with a good
job and a good head on my shoulders and my friends and family tell me
"Don't worry there alot of women who would love someone like you" the only
problem is that I'm in love with only one. I guess there aren't any easy
answer if there are any at all, I just know that someone out there is going
thru or has gone thru what I am going thru and I would like help on how to
cope and try to understand. My self esteem is probably at it's all time low
and I try to keep myself busy so I won't think about us but, sometimes it
gets to me. I read someplace that however long the marriage or relationship
was is how it takes to really get over it. Is that true?
I guess I've gotten alittle long winded but, I didn't know where else to
turn that would understand my plight. Any advise would be appreciated!
Thanks for listening.
--
A.J.M."Fuente"
fue...@icanect.net
George
Just came on this board. You are going thru a difficult time and
emotion and feelings are all entangled; that is understandable. Just
because there is a vow, doesn't mean marriage always works like a story
book; there is no guarantee. Looks like you two are educated and civil
enough not to wage war against each other and that's a good sign.
When you separate, there should be no contact of any sort, let alone
making love. Space means her own space, so her mind could be clear, to
sort things out. Meanwhile, conduct your own life as usual, although
it's easier said than done.
There is always this inevitable feeling that everything is too late; I
should have done this, I should have done that, to prevent the marriage
break-up. We are also influenced greatly by societal values, beliefs,
and the way we are brought up as to what a marriage is supposed to be.
Human relationship is complicated; if you are confused, it takes time to
sort out your feelings. But don't blame yourself, and don't blame her.
If you truly love her, after the separation and she comes to tell you
she wants to be back with you, you are ready for her anyway, and life
becomes beautiful again, not without a little adjustment on both sides.
But if she wants a divorce, let her go. Then forgive her, for anything
she has done to hurt you. Then forgive yourself. Tell yourself 10
times in front of the mirror everyday that you forgive her and you
love yourself and you will feel better after a while.
Try living your life without her; stay on a routine. Don't give way to
self-pity; you are wasting your tears. You were good enough for her 5
1/2 years ago; you will be good enough for another lady in the near
future. Take your time, work out your feelings, anger, frustration,
however long it takes. There is no time limit. You don't want to carry
that confusion to the next relationship; that will destroy you and your
future spouse. Sexual desire can be strong, because you feel deprived
somewhat. That's normal. Pick up a religion, volunteer, take your mind
off her. Give yourself to other people, help someone. You will feel
better in a short time. Life can be rebuilt. But you must be willing to
forego the past, and start from the present, and you must be willing to
give before you can forget. You will be healed. The next lady who
comes into your life will undoubtedly be a luckier one, because that's
what you want her to be.
email me if you want to talk, when you feel alone and weak; I have been
to all the corners of confusion you are now experiencing. I am also a
male. Take care
ronan
"A.J.M." <fue...@icanect.net> writes:
> Well it started about 2 1/2 months ago. We've been married for 5 1/2 years
> and yes we seperated because she was not sure of the relationship and how
> felt about me. Something like, " I love you but, not like a wife should
> love a husband."
At this point, it would be appropriate to get some
specific grievances out of her. This statement means nothing.
She ought to specify exactly what the heck she is missing, or
wants and isn't getting, or what's making her unhappy, or angry,
or whatever.
> So I gave her the space because I thought it was a
> phase she was going thru. Thru those 2 1/2 months we occasionally made love
> and it felt like old tmes. There were rumors that she was seeing other
> people but, I feel confident that she wasn't (Just people that have no life
> and trying to create problems.)
At this point, it would be appropriate to ask her whether
she's seeing other men. You have a right to this information.
> OK but, now she wants to make it final and get a divorce! I kinda
> thought it would come to this but deep down inside I prayed and believed
> that she would come around and we could save it. I don't want to give up!!
> But how can you force someone to stay or work it out, by the way he is
> going to counseling. I just want to say that this GODDAMM HURTS!!
You've been passive about this, in the hope that passivity
was the way to go. But I think it's time to get active and tell
her that you think you made a mistake giving her space, and you'd like
to
_talk_ about the problems and see a counselor _together_. Would she
consider this before going through a divorce?
Then the ball's in her court. You can't make her reconsider
anything. But you can certainly ask!
Good luck!!
Karen
-=-=-=-=-
Karen Ronan
Amelie CA
<< My self esteem is probably at it's all time low
and I try to keep myself busy so I won't think about us but, sometimes it
gets to me. I read someplace that however long the marriage or
relationship
was is how it takes to really get over it. Is that true? >>
You need to work on your self-esteem right now it seems to me. She is
being terrible to you. You need to figure out why you are taking it. It
is NOT true that it takes you as long to get over a relationship as you
were in it. Every single situation is different and everyone has their
own time table. Just be true to yourself.
"We can't all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by." -Will Rogers
BrianMac48
A.J.M.,
Read your posting and want you to know that I am going through the exact
same thing. My wife and I were married 18 years (yesterday was our
anniversary) and have 2 children. Things seemed fine up until about 2
years ago when she started roaming on the internet and got hooked on the
chat lines. To make a long story short, she fell in love with a man she
met online and decided to leave me. The worst part is that I just had a
major operation and am still at home in a wheelchair and on crutches. She
packed her things and moved out leaving me here with my 16-year-old son to
care for me. This comes about after we had some problems last year and
went to counseling, afterwhich I thought everything was resolved.
My marriage and my wife were the most important aspects of my life and now
she is gone and I am totally devastated. Just like yourself, I gave my
wife space in hopes that it was just a phase she was going through, but
things just did not work out the way I had anticipated. She told me that
she has fallen out of love with me and that she wants a divorce. I tried
to convince her to go back to counseling so we could possibly work things
out, but she refused, telling me that her mind was made up and that she
wanted out of our marriage. What I have to do now is concentrate on
getting well, then deal with the inevitable.
The only advice I can offer is to seek counseling. I have been in touch
with the therapist who saw my wife and I last year and it seems to have
helped a bit. Also I am going to inquire about group therapy, where you
meet with people who have been going through similar experiences.
This has been the most difficult period of my life, and I don't know how I
have been able to cope with it all, but I guess you get strength from
somewhere. Just like you, I wanted nothing more than to have my marriage
work, and have the joy of spending the rest of my life with my wife, but I
guess it was not meant to be. I wish you luck and hope that you can
eventually get over this major hurdle in your life.
Brian M.
bria...@aol.com