Dark Musings: 29
Anonymous
(29)
In many ways, the next few weeks were the worst of my life. I was
determined to end it with Tom; but more than anything, I didn't
want to destroy him.
The fights after my return from seeing Jeffery intensified. I was
so strung out and on edge that I finally started seeing a
therapist. Since the problems had to do with things with Tom, I
went to the same therapist that was treating him.
It was an eye-opening experience.
Through him, I really began to see how dependent on me Tom was, and
how difficult leaving him would be. I knew it would be a slow
process, one that would hurt everyone involved, but I wanted to see
Tom as well as I could before I actually left him.
Jeffery had his involvement with his wife, and that was not going
to change, so I felt that it would not matter if I took the time
needed to gradually move out of Tom's life. That is, if I could
survive the pressure. The one thing that kept me going was knowing
that Jeffery loved me and that we could be happy together.
I didn't tell Jeffery of my decision. I felt that it would take
time to implement, and I wanted to be able to present it as
something that was already nearly done. I was a bit uncertain as
to how he would react to it, as well.
Things went on like this for a couple of weeks. The pressure from
Tom becoming even more intense. The talks on the phone I had with
Jeffery were not the light-hearted things we used to have. We didn'
t do much BDSM over the phone any more, mostly because of the
horrid pressure I was under. Unfortunately, it had some long-
reaching consequences.
Jeffery met a young woman who was curious about BDSM and untried in
its ways. When he first started his contact with her, I had no
idea what was going to happen.
He had told me that he was going to meet this person, and talk with
her. I didn't pay much attention to that; Jeffery was a
gregarious person and talked to a lot of people. I wish I had known
that this one was going to be different.
It was almost time for Jeffery to make his visit to see me here in
my hometown. It was something that we had planned and looked
forward to. It also caused the pressure to increase enormously on
me, since Tom was very unhappy about the impending
visit.
One night, two days before Jeffery was due here, we were talking on
the phone. He told me that he was interested in this young woman
he had met, that she wanted to learn more, and he wanted to teach
her.
I know my heart stopped.
In our contract, Jeffery had the right to play with others, to take
others as subs/slaves if he wanted. I knew that. I also knew that
if he did, I would be devastated. At the time, I couldn't handle
any more pressure, and the self-doubt this would start up would be
disastrous. But I quickly shoved down the feelings. I foolishly
pinned all my hopes on one little clause in our contract.
Though Jeffery had the right to take others, the contract indicated
that he was to take my feelings into consideration and be mindful
of the possible effect on me.
I trusted Jeffery so much that I was sure he wouldn't do this. I
was sure he would know that it would be too much, and he would end
his involvement with this girl. After all, hadn't I poured my
heart and soul out to him in the letters I sent him? I had laid all
my insecurities bare.
I was such a fool.
The next day, I talked to several of our mutual friends about it.
Jeffery had insisted that his involvement with this woman was going
to be minimal, but I knew that he was fooling himself. She was
already obviously besotted with him; I knew it would not be long.
Even though he kept telling me that he was her teacher, I knew it
would develop into much, much more.
And when I read a post he had made on ASB about their meeting, my
heart felt like it was breaking into little pieces. I tried to
tell him how I was feeling, and I tried to talk to him about how I
didn't think I could handle this. His response was to tell me that
if I asked, he would give her up, but I had to ask him.
I told him I couldn't ask him to do that.
You see, I really believe that he knew how it was affecting me.
And I was torn between his rights as a Master and my feelings. He
had explained how he needed another outlet. He told me we hadn't
been doing much lately, and this woman was local. He told me that
she wouldn't be anything to him other than a play partner. He said
that if I had ever met her, I would know that.
But he had seen her twice already, and even though he knew how it
affected me (and
I am convinced he knew it devastated me), he still wanted to have her
with him.
Here I was faced with a horrible dilemma. It was killing me. I
had never really been poly, and I thought I had done fairly well in
dealing with the problems so far. But this was too much.
I thought about how I was on the verge of totally changing my life
for him, and I thought about how much pressure I had taken so far
in order to be with him. I thought about the fights with Tom, the
way I had broken my honor. And suddenly I knew that this woman was
not the last one. I felt that if he could do this now, knowing
everything he did about me, and everything that I had gone through,
then she was just the first.
Jeffery could feel it: the distance, the hurt, and when I talked to
him about how something had been broken in me, and we needed to fix
it, he had a really interesting comeback.
I had asked him how to fix the problems we were having right now,
and he ordered me to tell Tom everything. He ordered me to tell
him of our clandestine relationship, that Jeffery was my true
Master. He ordered me to do it, or he said that he would post the
writings that I had sent him on ASB. Not right away, but
eventually. He said that one way or another Tom would know. He
would know how I had been deceitful, he would know it all. So I
might as well tell him.
I felt like I was going to die. I told Jeffery no, I could not do
that. Tom had been talking about suicide, and I was positive that
would push him over the edge. I couldn't do that. I couldn't
destroy him, and my whole life here. Not for someone who had just
refused to stop seeing a new person, knowing how it hurt me.
I know I did not ask Jeffery when he told me he would give her up
if I asked. Perhaps things would have been different if I had. I
just felt as if he didn't care that I was being ripped apart by all
of these different things. And he didn't care enough to stop
putting more pressure on me.
Jeffery told me that if I didn't do it, then our contract was
broken, and I was no longer his slave.
I asked him to please not do this, and every time I asked, he added
another requirement. If I wanted to stay his I would have to not
only tell Tom, but I had to tell the therapist the whole thing and
I had to not pledge myself to Tom again, unless I openly pledged
myself to him. I also had to come to Philcon in November alone and
openly be his slave. He did back down on the timing; he told me he
would give me until November, then he said May of next year. And
he offered to give up the new girl, and all his other women except
myself and his wife. He even said that he would drop all the other
demands, but I had to tell Tom. That one had to stay.
Finally, I broke. I told Jeffery that I loved him with all my
heart, but I could not destroy Tom. So we would have to end it.
I was so afraid. The relationship Jeffery was developing with the
new woman, the problems Tom was having coping. There seemed no way
out, and I knew that no matter what I chose, I would lose. Jeffery
wanted a promise, he wanted a time limit, and I couldn't give it to
him. I couldn't give him a false promise, not even to save our
relationship. I didn't know when I would tell Tom. I knew I
eventually would, but I couldn't put a time limit on it.
I cried, and he cried as if he were heartbroken. But I saw no
other choice. He warned me that he was still going to post the
writings, and I told him that I knew he would. I had given them to
him as gifts and they were his to do with as he wished, even if
they destroyed me.
After I hung up the phone, I felt dead. I knew that I would never
be happy, and that I faced a life of constant struggle and
torment. And I knew that it was all my own fault.
Dark