Dark Musings: 22
Anonymous
(22)
I was not the only one having a hard time. Things were not exactly
easy on Jeffery, either. He loved me, and I know it hurt him to
listen to how hard things were for me. Also, the secret nature of
our relationship kept him from being open about his feelings for me.
The time that we spent on the phone was precious and wonderful, and
Jeffery talked of how we needed some time together to help fight
the loneliness we both felt. After talking about it, we decided to
make plans to meet in a couple of months. Jeffery would come to
visit my home, and it would be a wonderful thing to look forward
to. I knew there would be problems to overcome, but I also felt it
would be worth it. Jeffery continued his Mastery of me, and I
gradually found something fascinating happening.
I felt that Jeffery had given me so much, I wanted to give him
something back. I didn't have the monetary means to give him fancy
presents, and that wasn't the kind of thing I wanted to give him
anyway. In keeping with how I felt, I decided that the gift I
would give him was myself.
I started to write to him in email, little pieces of my thoughts,
glimpses into how I was thinking and feeling. It was a very scary
thing for me to do. Each time I wrote to him, I exposed a little
more of myself. Me, who had always made sure to keep the deepest
part of myself protected, was now opening that part up, bit by bit,
and presenting it to someone else.
It was the hardest thing I had ever done.
As I continued the process, letting him know my dreams and my
fears, I found myself trusting him more and more. He was
wonderful, and seemed to truly understand the difficulty of what I
was doing. He also seemed delighted at my gift.
I had never let myself be this exposed before. Being this
vulnerable was scary, but he was so loving, and I trusted him so
much. I came to believe that it was true, that he would not hurt
me. Later, this was to prove to be disastrous.
Life at home continued to be difficult. The therapy helped some,
but not completely, and loving times with Tom continued to be
interspersed with horrid arguments.
I continued to submit to Tom, and each time I did so, I found it
getting harder and harder. I found that I held myself back some,
in a way I had never done before. Tom was really trying to comply
with my wishes. One thing I had mentioned was a desire to become
more involved with the BDSM community. Tom and I joined a local
club, and we began going to a few meetings.
The first time we went, I was excited, looking forward to the same
kind of close-knit feeling I had had with the people at the party I
had gone to. I wore a very short dress that was mostly net, with
only a few places covered. I was in for a rude surprise.
At the meeting, I felt as if I was a piece of meat on display
before a hungry pack. Several men came up to us to talk, and as
they looked me over, I was revolted by their all-too-obvious
thoughts. There was even one man who grabbed me and kissed me.
I was livid. Even when I had walked around half-naked at the
party, I had never felt this way.
I am still not sure why there was such an obvious difference, but a
difference there was. Tom didn't seem to really notice how I felt,
though he had been angry at the grab. He seemed to brush my
objections off, insisting that he wouldn't let anyone else do
anything to me, and that I was being a bit overly sensitive about
the issue.
I was left with a feeling of dissatisfaction, and a bit of
trepidation, and I no longer encouraged our traverse out into the
world of BDSM.
During this time, Jeffery worked hard on a contract for the two of
us. This had been a sore spot in my relationship with Tom. I had
repeatedly asked for a contract, and repeatedly been put off about
getting one. Jeffery was determined not to have that happen in
our relationship, for which I was very, very grateful.
Dark