Dark Musings: 07
Anonymous
(7)
It's funny how sometimes you don't realize how empty your life is
until someone comes along to fill up those places. Jeffery did
that. We laughed and talked and talked some more. I really liked
him.
I could feel that things were shifting towards something more than
a friendship, moving into something that was deeper, richer, and
far more dangerous. Jeffery and I seemed to have an uncanny sense
of communication. Almost as if we knew what the other was
thinking. I had never experienced anything like it before.
I remember one day when I first realized how wonderful this was.
Jeffery was very different from me in one basic regard. He was a
massive flirt. Polyamorous and bisexual, his pool of possible
partners was large, and he made the most of it. I have always
tended to be a one-partner sort of person. I concentrate highly on
whoever I am involved with, leaving little interest in outside
liaisons.
This particular day, Jeffery was talking with me, the discussion
had turned introspective, both of us realizing that things were
more than mere friendship, when it became apparent that he had been
carrying on a conversation simultaneously with me and someone
else. I was very upset, but I thought I didn't show it. I told
him I would talk to him later and signed off.
On the way home I thought a lot about why I was upset. Here I felt
I had been baring my soul to him, and he had been flirting with
another woman at the same time. It left me feeling hollow and
added to my feelings of insecurity. But as I thought about this, I
told myself how ridiculous it was to be upset. Jeffery was my
friend, he didn't owe any rights of exclusivity to me.
When I got home, I logged back on the computer, and found that
Jeffery had sent me a piece of email. It was an eloquent apology
for hurting me. I cried.
What touched me most was the fact that he had known I was hurt, not
angry, but hurt, and he took pains to remedy the fact. It was one
of the most touching pieces of email I ever received from him, and
there have been many.
Things proceeded on with us talking, and the feeling of being
poised on a steep bank sliding out of control toward something
increased. He had given me his phone number, and hesitantly, I
called.
Sometimes things in virtual life are distorted, and when they meet
with real life there is a discordant clash; with Jeffery it was
harmony. Talking to him on the phone was as easy and wonderful as
it was in virtual reality.
All this time, I was struggling with my feelings for my Master. I
didn't know what to
do. I loved him, and wanted to continue our relationship, and I
felt it needed some changes. When I tried to introduce what I felt
would be good solutions, I was met with inertia at best, and
hostility at worst.
It was at about this time, prompted by talks with Jeffery and my
other friends, I finally began to admit I was in an emotionally
abusive relationship. And as with all relationships of this kind,
it would be so much easier to walk away from, to change, if it was
all horrible.
My Master was a very wounded man, tormented by demons from his
past. He had shaped himself into what he was in an effort to
survive. He loved me passionately, and the only way he knew how.
I recognized that. I also recognized that within him lay the
spirit of a loving and kind man.
Part of the betrayal that had so hurt me earlier in our
relationship, was the fact that he had lied to me about his marital
status. He was married and polyamorous. I had always been
monogamous, and knew that I was not suited to a poly lifestyle.
Intellectually, I knew people could love more than one person. I
had seen it happen with my Master. He loved his wife, and he loved
me. I never thought I would want to try it.
Dark