Dark Musings: 06
Anonymous
(6)
The events I am recounting here actually happened. Writing them
has been a healing experience for me, and I hope that they may
provide a learning experience for some others.
I have written this anonymously for a reason, and I ask all of you
who know who Dark is to respect that anonymity.
********
I started a series of email correspondences with several people.
Nothing erotic, just a nice way to exchange ideas with people who
had far more knowledge than I.
One of the people I corresponded with was a warm and witty man. He
encouraged me to explore other areas of the net and thus an even
more personal means of communication
began.
At this time, if anyone had asked me to talk about my Master, I
would have described things in glowing terms. I was still doing a
very good job of pushing things into the back of my mind. I didn't
know any other kind of Master/slave relationship, and the fear of
losing what I had was still uppermost. I had some discontents, but
I considered these small. I had tried some overtures that would
allow me more of the things I felt I wanted/needed, but always I
warred within myself. Telling myself that a slave doesn't ask for
things, a slave is for the Master's pleasure, not their own.
He rarely did any of the types of things I have now come to
associate with D/s. He did a few small things when we were out in
public, but most of what we did consisted of sex and lingerie.
The things he did in public caused an interesting reaction. On the
one hand, I found certain of them very exciting, others I found
extremely distressing. I had talked to him about how I found his
sexual fondling of me in public to be very upsetting. I would get
very tense and distressed.
At the time, I didn't truly understand my reaction, and my Master
just told me not to worry about it, that who cared what others
thought. Again, this was a symptom of our underlying problem.
And again, I would tell myself that I loved him and I should give
to him what he needed, even if it caused me distress. After all,
wasn't that proof of how a slave submitted?
Talking to Jeffery literally changed my life.
At first we just chatted about different things, both silly and
solemn. Jeffery was a sub/bottom. He, I, and a couple of other
friends would spend hours talking to each other about all kinds of
things. We talked and talked, and as we did, we came to know more
about each other. I learned a lot in those talks about what others
did in D/s relationships. I learned how they were similar to my
own. But more important, I learned how they were different.
It was very apparent from the beginning that these people had
something that I didn't in the D/s relationship. There was a sense
of respect between the Dom and sub that was missing in mine. A
sense that what the sub wanted/needed was important, that it did
matter. I know this sounds like an obvious thing. It wasn't. To
me it was a revolutionary thing.
Dark