Dark Musings: 04
Anonymous
(4)
I have often seen admonitions on ASB to make sure, before you take
a submissive, that they have a strong sense of self. That in order
to give yourself, as you must in submission, you must have a self
to give. You must be strong and confident in your own self. I can'
t second this enough.
I don't know if I would have done anything differently. I would
like to think I would. All I can hope for is that my example will
show others where they might keep from making the same
mistakes.
I had heard about negotiation and contracts and many other '
standard' BDSM concepts. I had talked to my friend about his
relationship, and still I blundered.
I have a terrible fear of abandonment. I fear nothing more than
being left alone and unloved. Because of this fear, I have spent
my life believing that if I speak up and tell people what my needs
are, they will leave me. And I did it again.
I don't think I will ever forget the first time my email Master
first put his hands on my body. It was incredibly exciting. He
was a very skilled lover, and more than anything, he had one
special gift. He liked to touch.
Sounds simple, doesn't it. All my life I was starved for physical
affection. I love to touch and be touched, and in so many of my
relationships, that was a forbidden thing. And now that I had it, I
didn't want to give it up.
He told me of the things he wanted to do to me, of the slave he
wanted me to become. He talked of cherishing me and forcing me to
feel all the pleasures inherent in my long-buried desires. His
voice and my need wove a beautiful spell and I stepped into it
willingly.
All of the things we talked about excited me, they were like a more
loving version of the GOR books. Now I know how very far from a
real BDSM relationship that was.
I was his possession. He did with me as he desired. We did not
talk about my needs. After all, I was a slave, my needs weren't
important; what was important was what my Master desired.
Now that is not to say that I didn't find much of what we did to be
exciting. It was very exciting. I liked the sense of being
possessed, of being owned. Most of what he forced me to do, I
loved. And at that time, if I had a nagging sense of
unfulfillment, I pushed it aside, not willing to examine it.
I followed his orders, tried to change myself to become the person
he wanted me to be. I loved him and my desire to please was
intense. He had told me that he had trained other slaves; I was
not the first one he had owned.
Later I was to find out this was not the truth. The things he had
me do were simple; mostly they had to do with what I wore and my
conduct around him. I spent the nights with him garbed in silk and
ready to please.
As I said, much of what we did excited me, but much of it left me
with a vague sense of disappointment. I didn't know how to define
it, didn't know what to call it--and then I found ASB.
Dark