Dark Musings: 02
Anonymous
(2)
This is a series of postings recounting some events that changed my
life, and the lives of those who touched me. I have written
anonymously to protect the privacy of those involved. I ask others
to respect that.
****
In my next relationship I went a step further: this partner found
it occasionally exciting to handcuff me while we had sex.
Sometimes I would pretend that I didn't want the sex and would
struggle, fighting to keep him from penetrating me, and when he
finally did, I would be so excited I would orgasm loudly and easily.
Once we had a bit of a bad time. We were doing our usual laughing
and playing routine, when I had a flashback to the rape. Luckily,
my partner could immediately sense that there was something wrong
with me, and he let me up, holding me and soothing my fears. It
brought all the old guilt back, however, and for a very long time I
avoided such play. Several years into this relationship, I
discovered computer bulletin boards, and that led me to make
friends with a man who shared many of my interests in life. We
were friends and sex never entered into our relationship, but we
could talk about nearly anything. He was sweet and witty. A
special kind of guy. He was also a slave. I didn't know it at the
time, but he was owned by the woman he lived with.
I don't even remember how the conversation got started, but I do
remember his hesitation and fear when he came out to me about his
interests. He was very brave, because he had previously told a
person he cared for, and she decided she could not deal with things
and chose to no longer be his friend.
I was stunned. I had no idea that there were whole groups of
people who had the same types of fantasies I had. I mean, I had
heard of bondage, but I thought it was just a mild sex game. I had
no idea there was a lifestyle attached to it.
I was fascinated and began to ask lots of questions. I learned
that there was a culture involved with this, a whole realm of
safety precautions, and all kinds of things that had never even
entered my mind.
I was fascinated by all of the things we talked about. And at the
same time, part of me kept wondering if doing this kind of thing
was wrong. My friend talked of pain as if it were the height of
pleasure. I told myself that although I really got excited by the
thought of being owned, and the thought of having to endure forced
pleasure, I would never be interested in pain. That was just too
much, too far for me to even contemplate. I only wanted pleasure.
Little did I know then how very delicate is the line that separates
the two.
I talked to my friend quite frequently about his secret life. And
somewhere along the line I began to desire some of fantasies I had
to become real.
I don't know when it changed. When I slipped from mostly fear and
a little fascination to a burning need to experience this.
Gradually, though, it happened, gradually I needed to know this.
Not wanted, needed.
My relationship was not a happy one, and one of the mistakes I made
here is one that many couples make. I thought the introduction of
BDSM into our sex life would help repair some of the damage.
Little did I realize that it would actually help to topple the
shaky supports we had erected, and push the relationship towards
the end.
I was afraid to talk to my mate about introducing this into our sex
life. I was concerned I would be labeled a flake by him, or he
would turn from me in disgust. I really wanted to explore this,
and since we had a monogamous relationship (or so I believed) I
knew I needed to get my newfound desires satisfied through him.
I was torn between needing to talk to him about this, and not
knowing how to approach it. Finally, I hit upon a partial
solution. I wrote a series of erotic stories for him. I felt that
perhaps it would bring back a bit of the spark we were currently
missing, and I could introduce the things I wanted in a non-
threatening way. If he found something offensive, I could let him
know that it was only a story, and perhaps remove some of the
threat.
It worked. We talked about the stories and I found that he was
interested enough in trying some of the things that I had
fantasized about. He agreed to try and become my 'Master'. Here
is where I made my second big mistake. I didn't understand the
danger of handing over your power to a person who is not only brand
new at this, and consequently not very knowledgeable, but handing
your power to a person who is resentful and angry at you.
The experience left a lot to be desired. Instead of having the
fantasy fulfilled, it became an excuse to hurt me. It was only
through talking to my friend that I learned what a travesty of a
loving BDSM relationship I was in. At the time, I was willing to
put this down to my mate's inexperience. I still wanted to try
this, somehow I knew it could work and be something much more than
what we were doing.
Talking it over with my friend, I decided to try being the Mistress
and not the slave. I felt that perhaps by example I could show my
mate what I wanted. I approached my friend and asked him if he
would consider doing a favor for me. I wanted him to show me what
to do. I asked him to dominate me in one session so I could
learn. I felt that way I could have some first-hand experience
about what to do, and would be better able to follow through with
what I had planned for my mate.
My friend thought it out carefully, and eventually told me no, he
wouldn't top me. He had decided that our friendship was worth too
much and he didn't want to take a chance on ruining it. I accepted
his decision, and took up his alternate offer to give verbal
advice.
I had talked with my mate about doing this switch, and he was
willing to try. So I became his Mistress.
I was woefully inadequate to the task. I know now that there is a
certain mindset to being a Dom, and I didn't have it. I didn't
know what to do when he seemed reluctant to follow my orders. I
didn't want to punish him. He wouldn't communicate with me, and I
was working blind. Finally, after a few efforts, I quit.
I can't say that things went down in flames, there wasn't a
spectacularly negative incident that turned me away from domming.
I just recognized how totally inadequate I was, and stopped before
there was a disaster.
It was a totally unsatisfactory end to my first real foray into BDSM.
Dark