I'm Kenny, Sue Me!
kau...@uiucdcs.uucp
[alternate titles: A Boy Named Sue, Look For the Union Libel]
Somewhat incoherent ranting ahead - read at your own risk.
A new craze has hit Americans of all types. They are poring through
written and broadcast material, hoping to find slanderous material, so that
they may sue somebody. Conversely, they have become paranoid, afraid to say
anything themselves, on the grounds that they will probably be sued.
Wapnermania has struck the US.
It really is sad. People's egos are so fragile that they have begun
worrying that anything untrue said about them will be taken as gospel by
everyone else and that their characters will be permanently damaged. They
dig deeper trenches and hide behind them, thereby threatening the free exchange
of ideas. Why, look what's happening on this net!
How many companies are scared shitless that someone will be either stupid
enough or Wapnermanic enough to sue them for what an employee will say? Only
a lawyer could take those disclaimers seriously. I really get my jollies
suing big corporations because somebody they're paying flamed me. This isn't
Fantasy Island! The only reason I'd consider suing Time Inc. is if they
refused to deliver me the Sports Illustrateds I have due. Why not add the
disclaimer: "I am not responsible for delivery of my company's products"? :-)
Look at the Stargate mess? Why does the stuff have to be moderated,
they say. Because the beamers are afraid of being sued. The unspoken
message: Transmit this, and I'll see you in court. What an ultimatum! Looks
like the entire net is itching to sue everyone else.
Do I see jj suing the person who called him a "bleeding heart liberal"?
Are Helen Anne and Walt suing and countersuing each other? (sorry to give you
two ideas :-( ) Is Jeff suing each and every one of us??!!? Lord knows, with
the prevalent attitudes, these people could easily feel justified to take
such action.
I urge you to take a look. When somebody says a heap of lies about you,
who of any value is actually going to believe them? If some of us begin to
take down our legal barriers, perhaps others will too. It may be a slow
process, but Rome wasn't dismantled in a day either. We should begin to search
for truth, rather than lies.
Ken Kaufman (uiucdcs!kaufman)
DISCLAIMER: This article contains no disclaimer whatsoever, and all
suggestions that one exists will be disclaimed. Anyone stupid enough or
Wapnermanic enough to take anybody - whether or not they were involved in the
production of this article - to court on account of the fact that they feel
libeled by any of the above statements deserves the full ridicule of the
general public.
The Napoleon of Crime
CAMERA OPENS ON CROWDED COURTROOM:
Voice-over announcer: Yes, it's time to start another session of STUPID
PEOPLE'S COURT, Judge Moriarty Wapner presiding (and
sitting in for David Letterman...). Today it's The
Case of The Rampant Knuckleheads. The baliff is
bringing them in now:
(Uniformed Officer leads two net.flamers in by their collars...)
Baliff: ALL RISE FOR JUDGE WAPNER!
Judge MW: No need, I'm just reading net.singles... Read the
charges.
Baliff: The Defendant, Mr. Mewling J. Loudmouth, is charged
with slandering the Plantiff, Ms. Sensitive M.
Humourless, in a series of 312 net articles.
Judge MW: You may remove their blinders, baliff.
(Baliff removes the hoods covering the plantiff and defendant's heads;
instantly upon seeing each other, they begin frothing at the mouth,
screaming, and jabbing their fingers as if trying to hit 'f' keys.
Luckily the baliff has their collars tied to different ends of the
room, so they cannot tear each other apart and leave the court stuck
with the cleanup bill...)
S. Humorless: You pond-sucking scum! You monstrous, humorless
bigot! Your <edited out for our younger readers> is
the size of an aggie!
M. Loudmouth: You can't repress me, you fascist cow! Free Speech,
you fascist slug, is something I must have on the
net! Or else the Constitution will fail, the courts
will dry up, and my employers will fire me since I
no longer look busy while posting articles. You
fascist fascist!!
S. Humorless: Invertebrate! Mongloid! Jockstrap-Breath!
M. Loudmouth: Pig! Leper! You have rhino acne!
S. Humorless: Queer!
M. Loudmouth: Lesbian!
S. Humorless: #$@*! You!!
M. Loudmouth: #$@*! #$@*! You!
S. Humorless: #$@*! #$@*! #$@*! You!
M. Loudmouth: Yo' Mama!
Judge MW: I think that's enough. Bring them before the bench,
baliff.
(Baliff tightens choke chain and drags them to the front of the court)
Baliff: Walkies!
Judge MW: Mr. Loudmouth, how many newsgroups did you send the
original article to?
M. Loudmouth: Why... ALL of them, your honor.
Judge MW: Can you explain your actions?
M. Loudmouth: It was a topic of universal importance, your honor!
Judge MW: Even to net.sportsfishing?
M. Loudmouth: ESPECIALLY there, sir! I understand they're big
fans of my postings in the smaller newsgroups.
Judge MW (under breath): Another insanity pleading...
How many groups did you post to, Ms. Humorless?
S. Humorless: Well, after quoting the ENTIRE article in my
posting, I posted my response to the same number of
newsgroups.
Judge MW: ALL of them?!
S. Humorless: And then I reposted it two days later for those
people on vacation...
(Judge M. Wapner pulls out huge rubber mallet and bops both plantiff and
defendant over head with it, knocking them both into a stupor)
Judge MW: The court finds you both a pair of Ding-Dongs. From
now on, KEEP IT IN NET.FLAME!!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
So just remember these three rules:
1) If your posting is just abuse of the originator, mail it, don't
post it.
2) If it's a boring flame, it's not a flame. A flame is fun for the
whole family, wittily written and with a tweek to the original. If
it's just a bunch of contradictions, skip it; we don't want to hear
it, as we are ALL a bunch of flame gourmands here in net.flame...
3) Most importantly, never forget:
WE'RE ALL BOZOS ON THIS BUS!
...because if you do forget the rules, you just might wind up in
**STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT**
"If you tell the truth, you must smile. Otherwise, people will kill you."
Moriarty, aka Jeff Meyer
John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc.
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David HM Spector
- Dave Spector
NYU/acf Systems Group
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