C. Ryan: Depeche Monde, 4/8/93
Stephen Davis
by Conor Ryan
[The following article was printed in The Columbia University Spectator on
4/8/93. It is copyrighted material owned by the Spectator. It may not be
reprinted or sold for profit.]
The election is over, Columbia has a new President, and Duran
Duran is back in action. What's on my mind is ... where the heck is
Gumby?
You remember Gumby! He's that green clay figure with the slanted
head. Gumby can walk into books, and thus travel through time. Gumby can
break apart into little Gumbies, stretch super thin and even roll into a
little ball of clay. Well, the list goes on and on. I know you're saying
to yourself, "Why is he bringing up the Gumbmeister now, of all times?" I
propose to you that the 1990's should be the decade of the Gumby.
Gumby is the perfect role model for kids and adults alike in these
tumultuous times. Gumby breaks all barriers and has appeal to all
Americans in this wonderful mosaic. Green is a neutral and safe
ethnicity/color. Gumby (so far as I can remember) is sexless, or at least
has no secondary sexual characteristics (which, I'll admit, makes the
personal pronoun situation very sticky). Thus Gumby-appeal affects people
of all colors, genders, and most importantly, sexual orientations.
By the way, this brings up another cool thing about Gumby that
will no doubt appeal to a lot of diction fans. As is the case with
"smurf" (at least in Smurf Village... you know, in the forest down the
road from the Gummie Bears), I have found "gumby" to be one of those
amazing words with limitless potential. You can substitute the word gumby
for nearly any verb. For example: "I really gumbied that test!" or, "My
boyfriend and I Gumbied last night for an hour!" (The jury is still out on
the capitalization question.)
The major obstacle in Gumby's path to real stardom is ... who else
but Barbie. I hate her. In my mind, Barbie has some very serious issues to
settle before she runs for president, as I've heard she's planning.
First of all, I'd like to know just how Ms. Barbie has come to
acquire one of the world's foremost car collections as well as statements
of ownership for nearly every type of store and business, from the
recording studio, to the car wash, to the malt shop. My suspicion is that
Barbie has a big time sugar daddie.
And as for her "friends" Skipper and Ken, they're just too easy to
pick on. Ken, if you're listening, just put your cheap little earring in
the right ear, where we all know it belongs, and come out of Barbie's pink
closet. Skipper, honey, you make 90210's Donna seem like an absolute
braniac.
Face it, Barbie is so Dynasty, so cocaine, so 1980's, so....Trump.
Good ole' Gumby on the other hand, is pan-sexual and into wild and wacky
stuff, as long as it's safe and no one gets hurt (except maybe the
Blockheads, but who cares?). Gumby and insider trading would never mix.
Gumby roams around with his friends/companions (Hmmm, I wonder...?) Pokey,
Prickle, and my total favorite, Goo.
I'll grant you, my theory (sometimes known as "Gumby is God") has
yet to receive any widespread acceptance or attention in the literary
community, or even the Claymation world.
In fact, some seem to feel that the 1990's will be the decade
where the sexes are seen as different-but-neat-in-their-own-way. They'll
try to tell you that Anna Nicola Smith, that bovine Guess? model, and
Fabio, the over-muscled posterboy for romance covers, are the respective
leaders of the future. Don't believe them.
It makes so much more sense to put everything in one....well, one
fierce, little ball of clay. Gumby! As Kelly Le Brock might have said,
"Don't hate him because he's neat!"
[Conor Ryan's email address is: ck...@columbia.edu]