Are you are *real* kiwi test

[Dave Matoe]

The following test was written for a waitangi day party we threw a few
years back. We were amused by the apparent lack of awareness for N.Z. holidays
(despite being listed in the Gary Larson Calenders) so we set out to educate
our mates on Kiwi trivia. The questions are by no means definitive and loads of
juicy in-jokes have been missed out (the Good night kiwi for instance - the jokes
no fun if you've never seen the thing....should be in bed anyways :-) There is a
slight ethnic tinge to the questions, but as a Maori I like to take the piss out of
myself more than anything else so no flames please.

Incidently, the answers were rated (by a somewhat dodgey set of standards,
but its my questionnaire so tuff if you disagree :-) and scored. I have included
these results in brackets. At the end is a total sheet to see if you passed or not.

I've also included some additional questions gleamed from notes from this forum.

1. How many Islands are there in N.Z.? (Warning! don't confuse this with
"Islanders" cos that answers "bloody heaps of em mate")
a) 1 [2]
b) 2 [3]
c) 3 [4]
4) Isn't it part of Australia? [1]

2. What is a Pakeha?
a) The Maori word for Parka - as in "Shit! its raining and I've left
my Pakeha at home" [1]
b) A foreigner [4]
c) The maori word for Pakistani's [1]
d) A crested white dove, symbolising international peace and harmony
lying on a plate with a lovely cheese sauce? [1]

3. What is the colloquial term for people of N.Z origin?
a) Bloody foreigners [1]
b) Bloody non-tax paying foreigners [1]
c) Kiwi's [4]
d) Fat bastards [-1] (insults do you no favours)

4. What is N.Z's national symbol?
a) A fernleaf [4]
c) Oi, what happened to B [1]
b) Ahh, there it is [1]
d) An odd fat bird that can't fly [3]
e) 'DB!' [1]

5. What is a Hori?
a) A short way of saying horrible - as in "Man, that bloke is a bit of a hori" [1]
b) The term used when you're only half horizontal [1]
c) Slang for 'a cuzzy bro' [4]
d) A fascist statement imposed on a minority group with the sole intent of
destablising their cultural position in a tumultuous ethinic climate, with the
hope of doing something or other that might be construed as brilliant
because it has words in it people can't understand (like wheel barrow and
vegemite. Multi-syllable words always were a killer) but its underlying theme
it to highlight what a gullible person you, the reader, are. [2]

6. What is a Honki?
a) Something you blow your nose into [1]
b) The subject of the verb 'to honk' [3]
c) A very pale maori [4]
d) The noise a goose being strangled makes [1]

7. What is a coconut?
a) A small hard furry nut [2]
b) A large furry nutcase [2]
c) Something sprinkled over a lamington [2]
d) All of the above [4]

8. Where can the largest concentration of kiwis be found?
a) Sydney [1]
b) Auckland [4]
c) Any boat from Hong Kong or Rarotonga [3]
d) The Gluepot tavern on a Saturday night [2]

9. What city is the Capital of N.Z?
a) Wellington [4]
b) Auckland [2]
c) Canberra [1]
d) One teaspoon of flour and 1 egg, mix together and bake for 5 minutes

10. What export generates the *worse* money for N.Z.?
a) Sheep [1]
b) Quality home grown T.V like Shortland St, Close to home
Spot-on or Pukimanu [3]
c) Dairy products [2]
d) Nudey pictures of Selwyn Toogood [4]

11. Who sings "I'm a little fire Engine"?
a) Fluke [1]
b) Flake [1]
c) Flock [1]
d) Flick [4]

12. What would have happened if you "just got your beans"
a) You would have a butt full of fart gas [2]
b) You would have just got a beating [4]
c) You just did the wild thing with a choice sheila [3]
d) Your cell mate 'hemi' wanted to play mummies and daddies and
mummy split your butt with her dick. [2]

13. What does 'choice' mean?
a) Excellent [4]
b) Several options available to an individual [3]
c) Short word for N.Z tea made by Choysa [1]
d) Whats left when all thats left in the box of xmas chocs is the revolting
marzipan ones which nobody likes. [1]

14. What is DB?
a) Two letters from the alphabet [-1] No one likes a smart ass
b) Sweet Nectar form the Gods [4]
c) David Bowies initials [2]
d) Chemical unit for Puhaa and Pork Bones [1]

15. From what TV program does Manu come from?
a) Close to home (The alchy school teacher) [1]
b) Shortland street (A hit and run victim under the sheet) [1]
c) Play School (The polynesian doll) [4]
d) Romper Room (The lady who sang 'bounce bounce bounce a ball) [2]

16. What is a tiki?
a) A tacky green plastic ornament worn by anybody NOT from N.Z. [3]
b) A green Maori symbol with his tongue pointing out? [4]
c) Something you get from your mentally imbalanced auntie cos she
wants you to get back in touch with your cultural roots [2]
d) The boat made famous by a Norweigian call CON [2]

17. What are Jandals?
a) A female blues trio from Aranui [1]
b) Something you wear on your feet [4]
c) Stink plastic rugby boots you had to wear when you were 5 [3]
d) A kiwi name given to something a bit poofy. i.e. "By jingo's that
invercargill forward pack are a pack of Jandals" [1]

18. What would you do if you had a Weta on your arm?
a) Remark how it complements your floral shirt [1]
b) Scream and yell 'getthefuckingthingoffame!!' [4]
c) Pay a visit to the local STD clinic [1]
d) Tell your little brother to stop pissing around or you'll punch his
lights out. [3]

19. What are Judder bars?
a) A pub for Judders [1]
b) A chocolate bar [1]
c) Humps on the road, designed to slow you down and destroy the
undercarriage of your car [4]
d) Things that wake you up when you're driving home from the pub
pissed [3]

20. What is a huu huu and what would you do with it?
a) A grub, you would eat it [4]
b) A grub, you can't eat it [3]
c) Something your little sister did in her undies five years ago
and you've taunted her about it ever since. [1]
d) Something that tastes like the thing your sister did in her
undies five years ago. [1]

21. What does L&P stand for?
a) Limp and Putrid [1]
b) Lemon and Paeroa [4]
c) Large and Penetrating [1]
d) Little and Pathetic [1]

22. What is the kiwi word for food?
a) Macdonalds [2]
b) Kai [4]
c) Tahky ah ways [2]
d) Kay Eff See [2]

23. What is a Feijoa?
a) A second generation Fijian immigrant [1]
b) A small sail on the front of a yacht [2]
c) A luvely piece of fruit [4]
d) The kiwi word for laxative [1]

24. What do you wear with your Barta Bulletts?
a) Cap, shirt [4]
b) Socks [3]
c) The luvley taffita outfit that matches your eyes [1]
d) Stubbies [1]

25. What is the correct kiwi phrase?
a) Rellies [4]
b) Relatives [3]
c) Rello's [2]
d) Bloody in-laws [1]

26. Which newsgroup do frequent most often?
a) REC.SPORT.RUGBY [2]
b) REC.SPORT.RACING [2]
c) REC.SPORT.BEER [2]
d) ALT.SEX.BIZARRE [2]
e) SOC.CULTURE.NEW-ZEALAND [4]

27. Who was the drummer in Grunt Machine?
a) Ray Columbus [1]
b) Max Cryer [1]
c) Tenika Buschkeyae [3]
d) Bruno Lawrence [4]

28. What was Channels two's first name?
a) South Pacific Television [4]
b) Channel 2 [1]
c) NZBC - 2 [1]
d) The black and White minstrel show [1]

29. Which kiwi song has the highest gross sales overseas
a) 'Everything is beutiful' by Ernie Lennard and Glynn Tucker [1]
b) 'The love bug' by unknown [1]
c) 'Tequila sunrise' by Annie Whittle [1]
d) 'Take the money and run' by Bunny Walters [1]
e) '1905' by Shona Lang [1]
f) ' Lets join together' by Ray something or other [1]
g) Any song by Craig Scott [3]
h) 'How Bizzarre' by OMC [4]
i) 'Rust on my car' Citizen band [3]

30. What was Fred Daggs flea entrant called?
a) Trev [1]
b) Murry [1]
c) Wayne [1]
d) Daggy boy [4]

The scores 0 - 48
Man did you dip out or what!. What a complete saddo you turned out
to be. The Dept of kiwi immigration had hopes for you, but you failed
us so dsimally that it pains us to even speak to you. We no more
want you to be a kiwi than the queen wants you as a sex slave. You
have obviusly never been to NZ, talked to someone from NZ or even
contemplated the gloriousness that it is to be a New Zealander. You
are about as popular as a hunchback with a burst hump. It is the findings
of this department that unless you have brought to the party a sister
worth shagging, a beer worth drinking, or some shit worth smoking
then its adios amoeba!!

48 - 78
Close. Very close. But sadly not close enough. You have reached what
is techmically known in the trade as a 'bloody stink' level of kiwism.
You can proudly say that you know a little of the greatness it is to be
a "omnimpotentlysuccessfulandincrediblymodestkiwi" which is truly a
wonderous feat. Should you wish to continue on your path to enlightenment,
the dept of kiwi immigration strongly suggests you read one of the
following publications :

Aotearoa 'Rugged individual'
New Zealand 'Shit we're good'
The kiwi 'Greatness and modesty personified'

Coincidently, these books are available from member of the dept of kiwism
for a very reasonable price.

78 - 120

CONGRATULATIONS!! You made it.

You have reached the highest standards known to man (and woman, lets
not get sexist here) The Dept of kiwi immigration has but one word to
say to you : CHOICE BRO (ok, technically two words but I never could count)
You have achieved the cuzzie bro level of kiwism. Billy T himself would
proclaim you a 'Fella'. Barry Crump (god rest his swanny) would proclaim you
a 'real top bloke' and Karen Haye would try and score some drugs off you.
Well done mate!!