Committed, Loving, yet Asexual Relationships
Claia Bryja
This seems like a good newsgroup to discuss a MAJOR personal concern of
mine. I am an asexual person wondering if my lack of sexual interest
might doom me to relative loneliness-- a life with many good and special
friends, but without a lifelong, deeply loving, committed bond to anyone.
By this, I mean something like a marriage. It hurts being alone; I don't
want to grow old alone; I want to share the sorrows and glories of my
life with someone who will always be there to share their own with me,
etc.; I even want to adopt and raise a child or two, and do want want to
do that alone either.
Now, for complicated reasons which I won't get into, I won't be ready to
enter into that kind of relationship for at least a year or two. I'm
just thinking ahead to the rest of my life beyond my current concerns.
The problem I see is that everybody around me seems to be sexual, and
seems to make sex an important ingredient in their emotionally committed
relationships. I cannot see any of my friends "marrying" someone without
being sexual with that someone. It looks to me like most people would
not be able to handle being "married" to a person who doesn't want sex.
But this is all just my perception. I have only asked really probing
questions of a few people, and I realize that maybe I'm just cynically
downplaying my chances for happiness. Hence, this posting. I want a
good sampling of what people who are knowledgeable and concerned about
relationship issues think of this. Am I right? Am I an extreme minority,
or do you think that there are lots of potential "spouses" out there for
a person like myself? (BTW, I put "marriage" and "spouse", etc. in
quotes because I use these words in a spiritual sense rather than a
legal one. I think any pair or small group of people of any mix of
genders can be "married.")
-- Claia B.
P.S. For those people who want to call into question my asexuality,
please don't! Yes, I've tried sex. I've had two sexual partners
in my life-- one of each gender-- one where there was great love
between us-- one where there wasn't. I know what I'm saying "no"
to. I just don't care for it. It's not my cup of tea. I've
been celibate for nearly four years now, and I haven't missed it
a bit. I also know how difficult, draining, and ultimately
distructive it is to feign a sexuality that doesn't come naturally
for the sake of pleasing someone else. I have no intention of
repeating that mistake.
Dennis Stockert
>
>This seems like a good newsgroup to discuss a MAJOR personal concern of
>mine. I am an asexual person wondering if my lack of sexual interest
>might doom me to relative loneliness-- a life with many good and special
>friends, but without a lifelong, deeply loving, committed bond to anyone.
>By this, I mean something like a marriage. It hurts being alone; I don't
>want to grow old alone; I want to share the sorrows and glories of my
>life with someone who will always be there to share their own with me,
>etc.; I even want to adopt and raise a child or two, and do want want to
>do that alone either.
>
Seems to me that the rules you've set up for a relationship pretty much
constrain you to waiting until you find someone that feels as you do and
wants the same type of relationship. My own perception is that this is not
a large percentage of the population, so your search may not be short. It
does not sound like a "marriage" of convenience or one based on setting up
a household for mutual financial advantage is quite what you want (though
probably somewhat more common and easier to find)...... I hope you find
something that meets your needs....
I admire your courage... it's not easy to decide to be yourself when that
runs counter to the "norm"....
***********************************************************************
* Dennis Stockert * Life is what happens to you while *
* rq...@lims01.lerc.nasa.gov * you're planning other things - Mom *
***********************************************************************
* No one that knows me would mistake my opinions for those of *
* any respectable organization *
***********************************************************************
Kenn Barry
>I am an asexual person wondering if my lack of sexual interest
>might doom me to relative loneliness-- a life with many good and special
>friends, but without a lifelong, deeply loving, committed bond to anyone.
Hmmm. Tricky situation.
>It looks to me like most people would
>not be able to handle being "married" to a person who doesn't want sex.
>But this is all just my perception. I have only asked really probing
>questions of a few people, and I realize that maybe I'm just cynically
>downplaying my chances for happiness. Hence, this posting. I want a
>good sampling of what people who are knowledgeable and concerned about
>relationship issues think of this. Am I right? Am I an extreme minority,
>or do you think that there are lots of potential "spouses" out there for
>a person like myself?
I think that, in absolute numbers, there may be a pretty large
number of people who could be potential spouses for you. And since you
only need to find one, I certainly wouldn't call your situation hopeless.
On the other hand, I think potential mates for you are probably a very
tiny percentage of the total population, and that's going to make
locating them difficult.
A question and a suggestion: first, do you require that
your mate also be asexual, or would it be acceptable if they wanted an
asexual marriage, but would be sexually active outside the marriage?
If the latter is acceptable, the pool of potential mates for you will
be larger.
I suggest you might try advertising (e.g., singles ads, etc.).
The chance of your meeting a suitable mate by pure chance don't seem
promising, and advertising should raise the odds considerably. Also,
it's very important that you make it clear to any potential mate that
you are ruling out a sexual relationship. I infer you would do so,
but since you didn't say so explicitly, I thought I'd mention it.
Failing to do so could cause much mutual heartache.
- From the Crow's Nest - Kenn Barry
----------------------------------------------------------------
ELECTRIC AVENUE: apple!netcom!barry
Peter H. Hellmonds
The first time I had sex with a woman was not great either, because it
just happened to be that there was not too much we two had in common ...
The second time with someone else it got better, the third time even
better. But some other times it wasn't great. I think we , the kids of
the 50's, 60's and 70's who came into the adult period when sex was not
related to children anymore (for those to take precautions) , anyways,
we have the chance to actually try to find a partner that suits us.
I found that sex is much more fun with a person you are really fond of,
who attracts you tremendously, who takes you as you are, who knows how
to please your body and your brains, your emotions and your thoughts...
It is often hard to find all of the above in one person. We also get
more and more expectant of the wonder(wo)man, prince, princess ...
My advice: keep trying to find a person with whom you can be at ease
with, where you can be yourself, where you have a chance to let your
emotions spill out and over without having to be afraid of anything,
without having to think about whether it's right or wrong ...
Most people have had the luck to experience sex as being fun. Others
have had difficulties getting rid of victorian purist ideas implanted in
their brains during upbringing (by which I do not want to imply that the
person originating this discussion is part of this group - merely trying
to bring in some of my experience).
To sum this up: Don't worry about the way you feel. Don't think too much
about "it". Maybe, just maybe, there comes a time when you meet a really
nice person. That person would not be pushy at all, would not be trying
to get you to do what you don't want to. That person possibly becomes a
great friend, then a close friend . . . Things develop. Some people
need more time...
This might sound as if I would like to try to bring you "on the right
track", but it isn't. All I'm saying is that what you think is
asexuality could actually be just the reaction to not having found the
right person. (Two times trying is not very much - just like trying to
find the needle in the haystack) The reason why I think that this could
be the case is that you are actually fond of finding a person to huddle
and cuddle, to have a relationship (just w/o sex). That's very o.k. But
the appetite often comes with the food. It can happen that you find a
person who will bring to rise the appetite for sex even in you. If I was
served Hamburgers day in day out I probably would lose my appetite for
food altogether --- until someone serves me Linguini with Clams in
Tomatosauce with a dry white Italian wine. (hmmm) Same with sex !! ;->
Give it another try, is my advice. But without trying to take it like
fast food. A good dish takes time to prepare . . . Good Luck!!!
Peter
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hell...@phoenix.Princeton.Edu
______________________________________________________________________________
D
Tomatosauce and some dry white Italian wine (hmmmm). Same with sex ;-)
B
S
To sum this up: there is nothing wrong with the way you feel. I
currently have a girlfriend who I like very much and we are great
friends. Sex is not the most important element in that relationship. But
more important than that is that we have a good time with each other,
loving and caring. We probably won't ever get married, or even stay
toegther for many years.
friends and everything, but she does not attract me physically as much.
So, we don't have as much sex as she wants r
C