The Burrowing Mammoths of Siberia
Dominic Green
The Nail-Biting Climax to his Stirring 'Elephant Trilogy'
by
Reverend Colonel Ignatius Churchward Von Berlitz M.A. (Dom. Sci.) Oxon.
(Oklahoma)
Mammoths are a Woolly Problem to the Siberian Archaeologist. Whilst
unearthing his Tartar Encampment, he will frequently have to clear away
dozens of these great carrot-topped beasts which he has Dug Up without
meaning to. Indeed, the Ancient Yakuts came to rely on the Unearthing
of these Deep-Frozen Proboscideans from the Permafrost as a Food Source,
referring to the creatures as the 'Mountain of Meat', and thinking them
to be huge mole-like creatures that burrowed under the ground. Today,
it is known that the Mammoths were in fact exterminated by an
Unidentified Cataclysm that froze them solid with tropical flowers still
in their mouths and the sweat of an Equatorial Existence still running
down their woolly arctic brows.
For years, Paleontologists have laughed at the Yakuts, thinking, How On
Earth Could Something As Big As An Elephant Burrow Under The Ground.
However, now the Shoe is on the Other Side Of The Face, as Primitive
Cave Paintings clearly show Mammoths trapped in Pits being Mercilessly
Speared by Bloodthirsty Yakuts, Uighurs, Ostyaks, and Trangiapans.
These Cave Paintings have long been held to show the Uighurs'
resourcefulness in digging Pits in which to Trap their Elephantine
Enemy; but a simpler hypothesis appears when one Lathers the Problem
Liberally and applies Von Berlitz's Hammer*. The Mammoths were in the
Pit all along! The Uighurs merely Dug Them Up and Threw Spears At Them,
possibly when the Mammoths came close to the surface to forage for juicy
worms. These Mole Mammoths were evidently plentiful in Ancient Times,
as is demonstrated by the vast quantity of hitherto unexplainable Tumuli
dotted all over Illinois and Europe, some of which are so large that the
Ancient Europeans and Illinoisians were able to Dig Into Them and Bury
Dead People Inside. These Mounds are evidently Mammoth Molehills. Of
course, it is known due to recent scholarly and intrepid research that
Mammoths were also Aquatic, and propelled themselves through the icy
waters of Loch Ness by vigorous flapping movements of their ears;
therefore we can see that Mammoths were not simply 'Mole-Like', but in
fact more similar to Voles and Beavers, creating Gigantic Tiny Holes in
riverbanks and leaping out to surprise incredulous fish.
Of course, Norwegian Sailors' Tales tell of Colossal Ten-Armed
Creatures, Big As An Elephant, that Pull Over Sea Vessels. There are
few creatures in the Sea as big as an Elephant, except of course for
Elephants and Whales; most Whales, however, are peaceful herbivores
which browse on tiny marine krill plants. The only large Whale known
not to be herbivorous is the Sperm Whale, which, if it were the size of
a Man, would be able to swim a thousand miles through Treacle. However,
the Sperm Whale (whose numbers are sadly declining due to vast
quantities of False Oestrogens on the warheads of Japanese Whaling
Harpoons) feeds on Giant Squid, not on Viking Longboats, and so these
giant ten-armed creatures can be no whale. Instead, they must be
Elephants, and the increase in Prehensile Appendages from One to Ten in
Viking accounts can be ascribed to Fishermen's Exaggeration. Did not
the Vikings exaggerate shamelessly as a matter of cultural course?
Turn-of-the-Millenium records exist of the discovery of a marvellous,
vast continent of unbounded opportunity by Viking Seapersons, for
example, whereas what was in fact discovered was America.
Yours
Reverend Colonel Ignatius Churchward Von Berlitz M.A. (Dom. Sci.) Oxon.
(Oklahoma)
* A safer tool than Occam's Razor, and one which may be entrusted to Small
Children and Police Departments
Mike Lowndes
The good Reverend has again bestowed upon us, as if from a great height,
the compact and nutritious results of his recent ruminations.
In article <2+907JAoGg2xEwI6> The Reverend Colonel Ignatius Churchward Von
Berlitz M.A. (Dom. Sci.) Oxon.
> (Oklahoma) wrote:
> Of course, it is known due to recent scholarly and intrepid research that
> Mammoths were also Aquatic, and propelled themselves through the icy
> waters of Loch Ness by vigorous flapping movements of their ears;
I must thank the Reverend most courteously for his indirect
acknowledgement of my contribution to this field of knowledge. However, I
must protest, dear Reverend that you have not read the latest installment
of my thesis and therefore are unfortunately ignorant of the facts. The
Aquatic Mammoths of Loch Ness do not flap their way through the murky
depths using their ears! The musculature in these magnificent organs is
far too waek for such a purpose. My dear Reverend, the truth of the
matter came to me in a moment of pure intellect in the little room. I
surmise that these huge and graceful aquatic ungulants propel themselves
/backwards/ through the icy waters, using their long, flexible and very
powerful proboscii as propellers. As we all know, the waters of the Loch
are Too Murky to See Through, and that combined with the Mammoth's poor
eyesight make it much more likely that their Delicate Tails are their main
Organs of Sensing whilst swimming through the Loch, and traversing the
vast undergroud channels conneting the Lochs of the Great Glen with the
Sunken Ruins of Atlantis.
> therefore we can see that Mammoths were not simply 'Mole-Like', but in
> fact more similar to Voles and Beavers, creating Gigantic Tiny Holes in
> riverbanks and leaping out to surprise incredulous fish.
My dear sir you are a Genius! I have myself observed several Gigantic
Tiny Holes in a photocopy of a sketch of a photograph of the banks of Loch
Ness and on my next Field Study Trip I shall endeavour to build a Huge
Tiny Robot to explore them fully!
One must Shake and Tremble at the thought that one day these magnificent
creatures may leave the Loch and return to their subterranian natures,
causing untold devastation to Modern Civilization and Car Parks.
As Ever Yours,
Jordan Ishmael Parquet-Parquet III Esq.
Anthroapologist and Aquatic Mammoth Hunter.