*** NEED LAWYER JOKES ***
Robert....@cs.cmu.edu
i need any and all lawyer jokes. believe it or not, my prof. is giving
extra credit in a class for the best lawyer jokes. please e-mail me your
favorites. if there's an on-line compilation of jokes, i'd appreciate a
pointer to where to find it.
thanks,
bob (ha...@cs.cmu.edu)
school of computer science
carnegie mellon
pittsburgh, pa
Robert MacGillivary
This is also a reply to the message asking for lawyer lightbulb
jokes (lawyer bashing is one of my more favorite topics - my
girlfriend works for one):
(Original*)
Q. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A.1 Two. One to screw and one to sue.
A.2 One, but it takes 4 years and costs 8 thousand dollars!
(Other Jokes)
Q. What do you call 1000 lawyers chained to the bottom of the bay?
A. A good start. (this is and old one but a good one)
Q. How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead
lawyer on the highway?
A. The skid marks lead up to the skunk.
--------------------------- RMG (the Anarchist)
Len Babin
: i need any and all lawyer jokes. believe it or not, my prof. is giving
Here in Ottawa, they are using lawyers for laboratory experiments.
This is being done because lawyers are easy to train, there is no
shortage of them and there are some things that rats just won't do.
--
Len Babin Cyberspace explorer
lba...@ccs.carleton.ca
OTTFFSS - What's the next letter?
Mess with Texas
wrote:
>
>
> i need any and all lawyer jokes. believe it or not, my prof. is giving
> extra credit in a class for the best lawyer jokes. please e-mail me your
> favorites. if there's an on-line compilation of jokes, i'd appreciate a
> pointer to where to find it.
>
Q: What's the difference between and catfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a scum-sucking, shit-eating bottom-feeder and the other is a
fish.
--
===Dana Netz, Electrical Systems Engineer | "All I know is, everything
===Electrochemical Engine Center | you know is wrong"
===Los Alamos Nat'l Labs, New Mexico | - "Happy" Harry Cox
===Vicki Robinson? Hmmm, I've heard that name somewhere before...
Ross Smith
>Robert....@cs.cmu.edu wrote:
>
>: i need any and all lawyer jokes. believe it or not, my prof. is giving
>
>Here in Ottawa, they are using lawyers for laboratory experiments.
>This is being done because lawyers are easy to train, there is no
>shortage of them and there are some things that rats just won't do.
And besides, with lawyers there's no danger of the scientists growing
fond of them.
--
Ross Smith (Wanganui, New Zealand) ... al...@acheron.amigans.gen.nz
GCS/S d? p c++++ l u-- e- m---(*) s+/++ n--- h+ f g+ w+ t+(-) r+ y?
Keeper of the FAQ for rec.aviation.military
"It may not be the Amiga that'll win out in the end. It may not be Unix.
But, God willing, it won't be Microsoft either." (Charlie Gibbs)
Jay Hipps
Not enough cement!
Smile (Cynthia Lux)
In article <bhatchCp...@netcom.com>, bha...@netcom.com (Bob "Another beer, please" Christ) writes:
> In article <2q0le2$3...@crl2.crl.com> jhi...@crl.com (Jay Hipps) writes:
> >What do you have when you have 10 lawyers up to their necks in cement?
>
>
> >Not enough cement!
>
> Yeah, real funny, butthead. I just happen to be a lawyer.
> Go fuck yourself.
>
> Bob
Why should he? Lawyers screw so many poeple that he is sure to get it
eventually!!!
---Little Miss Nitpick
Aside: Yes, I know there are some fair lawyers out there, but this is rec.humor,
where we flame EVERYBODY, so DEAL WITH IT!!!!
Bob Another beer, please Christ
[ 14 blank lines deleted ]
David P Goshorn
>Subject: Re: *** NEED LAWYER JOKES ***
>Date: Thu, 28 Apr 1994 16:39:42 GMT
>Robert....@cs.cmu.edu wrote:
>: i need any and all lawyer jokes. believe it or not, my prof. is giving
>Here in Ottawa, they are using lawyers for laboratory experiments.
>This is being done because lawyers are easy to train, there is no
>shortage of them and there are some things that rats just won't do.
>--
>Len Babin Cyberspace explorer
Yeah, and it doesn't piss off the animal rights people.
Andrew J. Templin
> [ 14 blank lines deleted ]
> >Not enough cement!
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
It's been said before; I'll say it again:
The problem with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don't think they are
funny, and we don't think of them as jokes.
> Bob
P.S. Nice try with misc.test, "Bob". Better luck next time...
--Andrew
--
Andrew J. Templin
Sysadmin - Network junkie - Confused Programmer(tm)
OHIONET - Columbus, OH
"My opinions do not necessarily represent OHIONET - no way, no how..."
Gary Kubat
>In article <2q0le2$3...@crl2.crl.com> jhi...@crl.com (Jay Hipps) writes:
>>What do you have when you have 10 lawyers up to their necks in cement?
> Yeah, real funny, butthead. I just happen to be a lawyer.
>Go fuck yourself.
>Bob
Whiner. It's attitudes like these that continue the jokes. Just what
in your post should we consider funny? That you're a lawyer? Or that
you act like you have real feelings?
Real life episode: While working a forecasting shift at a military
base, I received a call (as did a few co-workers over a period of days)
by a woman in a nearby city. She wanted us to turn off our weather
modifying plasma generator. It was messing up her TV reception and
giving her family headaches. Scary thing is that she wasn't joking.
(Aside: An observer logged out the plasma generator as a joke on our
equipment outage log. When a $4K work order to repair it reached the
Comm Sqdn CO, he thought it only slightly amusing).
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Gary B. Kubat "Trust me... Dept of Atmospheric Science
I'm a weatherman!" Colorado State University
Internet: ku...@typhoon.atmos.colostate.edu
Std disclaimer: My opinions only, not those of the Air Force or CSU.
Gregory_Clifford_W HILL
>In article <CozAA...@cunews.carleton.ca> lba...@superior.carleton.ca (Len Babin) writes:
>>Robert....@cs.cmu.edu wrote:
>>
>>: i need any and all lawyer jokes. believe it or not, my prof. is giving
>>
>>Here in Ottawa, they are using lawyers for laboratory experiments.
>>This is being done because lawyers are easy to train, there is no
>>shortage of them and there are some things that rats just won't do.
>
>And besides, with lawyers there's no danger of the scientists growing
>fond of them.
>
>--
> Ross Smith (Wanganui, New Zealand) ... al...@acheron.amigans.gen.nz
>
so we can do what we want with them ( see the threads on insect and cat torture for ideas ... ).
Greg-o
Dave Earp
he looked like. To his dismay, a strong wind made that impossible.
There was, however, a snake sunning himself on a rock nearby.
"Sir," said the rabbit in a timid voice. "Could you tell me
what I look like, as I have never seen myself in the reflecting pond."
"Sure", said the snake. "You have two big floppy ears, little pink
eyes, a cotton ball tail, two buck teeth, and a nose that constantly
twitches."
"Thank you," said the bunny, "I must be a Rabbit."
"That you are," replied the snake. "Can you return the favor, I have
never seen myself either."
"Ok," said the bunny, "you have two beady little eyes, a forked
tongue, you have slimy scales on your back, and you slither through the
grass on your tummy."
"Aw shit," said the snake," I must be a lawyer."
.
.
"Law Student, n. ....Scum in training." The American Heretic's
Dictionary.
Cheers, Dave.
Rogerr1005
"I could just kill my lawyer."
(OK, David Letterman said it last night, but it does fit the topic)
d...@epx.cis.umn.edu
>thanks,
>bob (ha...@cs.cmu.edu)
Here is THE lawyer joke. (Even lawyers like this one.)
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall
be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the
entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated
by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option
of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the
aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to,
the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at
his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of
elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party
of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point
being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of
the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local
and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first
part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of
the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner
consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this
self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a
clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party
of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the
objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth
part, also known as "Partnership."
--
************************************************************************
* * *
* Douglas E. Gogerty * No, I'm from Iowa... *
* d...@epx.cis.umn.edu * I just work in outer space. *
* * -James T. Kirk *
************************************************************************
Rogerr1005
ku...@typhoon.atmos.colostate.edu (Gary Kubat) writes:
She wanted us to turn off our weather modifying plasma generator. It was
messing up her TV reception and giving her family headaches.
=================
What's a "weather modifying plasma generator?"
Paul Mattes
A doctor, dentist and lawyer were playing golf at their country
club when they got stuck behind a foursome playing terribly
slow. After their round, they went to the clubhouse to
complain.
"Look..we pay our dues..we're good members here and we deserve
better than that". The pro looked back and said "Guys I'm
sorry but I should have told you that foursome ahead of you
were blind"
Feeling terrible about his comment the doctor said "tell them
if they ever need medical care, they should come see me. It's
on the house". The dentist replied in kind saying
"absolutely...if they need oral work it's totally no charge"
The lawyer thought for a second and said
"F**k em !! Let 'em play at night"
(and I've got lawyers in the family !!)
Paul D. Mattes
"Life's too short to drink cheap wine"
Bill Evans
: I know there are some fair lawyers out there
Um, could you share with us how you know this? It seems counterintuitive.
-- Captain Nitpick
Dave Ribar
>
>Smile (Cynthia Lux) (fr...@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu) wrote:
>: I know there are some fair lawyers out there
>
>Um, could you share with us how you know this? It seems counterintuitive.
>
>-- Captain Nitpick
Cut her some slack, she could be refering to their complexions.
Bill Evans
: She wanted us to turn off our weather
: modifying plasma generator. It was messing up her TV reception and
: giving her family headaches. Scary thing is that she wasn't joking.
Did she threaten to come after you with a gun? Or did you keep the
WMPG up and running?
-- Captain Nitpick
Adrian Hurt
Dear Sir/Madam,
My client, Jay Hipps, has decided to take you to court
over your false accusation, namely that my client's head is in any way
similar to a butt. In addition, my client attempted to comply with the
instruction at the end of your article, and as a result has suffered
injury of a painful and personal nature. You are therefore being sued
for compensation.
See you in court!
I. Cheatham
Dewey, Cheatham & Howe, Solicitors
--
Two dangerous criminals are chatting in the prison:
-" Me, I am sure I will be acquitted. I have obviousely chosen the best
lawyer in the world. Mind you, he managed to convince me of my own
innocence!"
--
A silly and stupid lawyer was appointed to defend a dangerous criminal.
This criminal looked down his nose at the lawyer, and asked the judge:
-"Is that....my advocate?"
-"Yes!"
-"But, tell me your Honour, if he should die suddenly, would you appoint
another one for me?"
-"Of course!"
The criminal whispered to the judge: "Can I see him in private, just for a
while?"
--
"Keyboard? How quaint!" - M. Scott
Adrian Hurt | JANET: adr...@cee.hw.ac.uk
UUCP: ..!uknet!cee.hw.ac.uk!adrian | ARPA: adr...@cee.hw.ac.uk
Gary Kubat
We have no idea. It may be that the poor woman saw it on Star Trek, or
some other sci-fi program. The event first occured at a beneficial time,
though, since we were all stressed during an exercise, 14 hour shifts, etc.,
so it really broke the tension.
I still get laughs when I call back there and ask them to flip the switch
back and forth really fast!
-gk
Gary Kubat
Actually she indicated she would contact the governor and congressmen.
And don't worry, we kept the WMPG on--after all it's the only thing
that prevented all of North America from being flooded off the face
of this planet during the infamous floods of last year. It's also
keeping the radioactive waste from Chernobyl from being transported by
the global winds into America. Slightly more important than TV
reception I think.
-gk
you're reading what?
Well, you're long and feel like a prick, but you have no balls..
You must be a lawyer.
Uh Dave - should these jokes _really_ be in alt.tasteless?
- Tae
Aric TenEyck
>i need any and all lawyer jokes. believe it or not, my prof. is giving
>extra credit in a class for the best lawyer jokes. please e-mail me your
>favorites. if there's an on-line compilation of jokes, i'd appreciate a
>pointer to where to find it.
Lawyers---they're kinda like speedbumps, except you don't have to slow down.
Robert A.Buckley
>In article <2q0le2$3...@crl2.crl.com> jhi...@crl.com (Jay Hipps) writes:
>>What do you have when you have 10 lawyers up to their necks in cement?
>
> [ 14 blank lines deleted ]
>
>>Not enough cement!
>
> Yeah, real funny, butthead. I just happen to be a lawyer.
>Go fuck yourself.
Sorry to hear about your mishap, Bob. How did it "just happen"
that you're a lawyer?
You aren't one of those poor wretches that got shanghaied by
"Fast Eddy's Pretty Good Lawyer School and Pawnshop", are you?
I heard he musta kidnaped and brainwashed a good coupla hundred
honest citizens before they caught him.
A mind is a terrible thing to waste, isn't it, Bob?
Bob "So Sue Me" Buckley
bb...@itsa.ucsf.edu
Scott Rainey
>-- Captain Nitpick
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
What's the difference between a dead rattlesnake on the road and
a dead lawyer on the road?
There are no skid-marks in front of the lawyer.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetary
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents
did for a living.
"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all
day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up,
scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father,
Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano
in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to
geography. Later that day, she went to Billy's house and rang
the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher
explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I
explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The scene is heaven, with three men standing at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter says to the first man, "Let's see, you're Mr. Jones,
the engineer. We've been expecting you. Please follow me."
Saint Peter leads him down a hall to a door marked #101.
"This is where you'll be staying Mr. Jones," says Saint Peter as
he opens the door. Inside is a dark, dank, cold, musty room.
Water is dripping from the rocklike walls where torture equipment
is hanging. Chained to the center of the floor is a growling,
fierce-looking dog.
Mr. Jones steps in and a loud voice cries out from above,
"Mr.Jones! You have sinned!"
Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the remaining two men
waiting at the entrance gate.
"And you are Mr. Smith, the doctor", Saint Peters addresses the
second man. "You are in room 102. Please follow me." Once
again when the door is opened this room is dark and dank, water
dripping down the walls with horrible torture equipment hanging
everywhere, and a growling, snarling dog chained to the center of
the floor.
As Mr. Smith steps in, a voice from above cries,
"Mr. Smith! You have sinned!"
Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the last man waiting
at the entrance gate.
"And you must be Mr. Brown, the lawyer. We have been waiting for
you. You are in room number 103. Please follow me." When they
get to room #103, Saint Peter opens the door to reveal another
dark, musty, gloomy room with torture equipment hanging from the
water dripping walls.
But in the center of the room stands Bo Derek. As the lawyer
steps in the room the voice cries out,
"Bo Derek! You have sinned!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The lawyer died. Having not lived an all-that-honest life he
found himself at the gates of Hell. "Welcome to Hell" announced
the Devil greeting him warmly. "Glad you could join us. As your
last taste of free will, you are allowed to choose which of three
possible places that you will spend the rest of eternity."
There were three doors behind the Devil. He opened the first
door. Flames shot into the room and the lawyer could see
thousands of people amidst the fire. "No" said the lawyer. "Not
this one."
The Devil opened the second door. The lawyer could see thousands
of people slaving away at a large rockpile. They were all being
whipped as they hammered the large boulders into smaller
boulders. "No" again said the lawyer.
Finally, the devil opened up that last door which showed
thousands of people in a incredibly large lake with vomit up to
their chins. All of them were chanting 'Dont make waves, dont
make waves...' "That's awful!!" commented the lawyer in
repulsion.
"You think that's bad?" asked the devil, "you should see it when
the angels spend the weekend here with their motorboats!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
The Pope died and went to heaven. When he got there, he found a
lawyer in line in front of him at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter
came over and told the Pope, "Just a minute, I'll be right back".
At that, Saint Peter took the lawyer away.
When Saint Peter came back, he told the Pope, "Follow me to your
new quarters." Along the way they passed many people in their
heavenly abodes, and they happened to pass by the quarters of the
lawyer who had preceded Saint Peter through the Pearly Gates.
The Pope was awe-struck by the opulence and splendor of the
lawyer's quarters. There were fine silks, rare foods and drinks,
soft music, and attractive young women to serve him for eternity.
Saint Peter and the Pope finally arrived at the Pope's new
quarters. The Pope looked in and saw a 6 foot by 9 foot room
with bare walls, a plain bed and a Bible for entertainment. The
Pope said, "I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I am wondering
why the lawyer gets such a magnificent room and I get this small
room.
Saint Peter said, "Well, you see, we have a great many popes here
in heaven, but only ONE lawyer."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
How do you save a drowning laywer?
Throw him a rock.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Person 1: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Person 2: No.
Person 1: GOOD!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A rabbi, a priest, and a lawyer were all caught in a shipwreck.
Naturally, there are a lot of sharks circling around. All of a
sudden, one shark darts in and grabs the priest for lunch. No
more priest.
The rabbi starts praying frantically, but to no avail, as a shark
comes in and eats him, too.
Now the lawyer is really worried, as a shark is coming for him.
But, miracle of miracles, the shark puts him on its back, carries
him to shore, and lets him off.
The lawyer, curious, waits till the shark is far enough away not
to eat him, and asks, "How come you didn't eat me?" And the
shark replies, "Professional Courtesy!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Hildago was defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was captured
on is way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and
shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over
to the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him
to the army where he was then executed.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into
the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony.
Doctor Green came over to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was
in court when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer
Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?'
Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and
I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my
client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were
no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk
make me sick.' "
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making
a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken
sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs
anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that
after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my
office. This is the only place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally
appeal your case to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate
for a kidney stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by
looking at him."
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when
you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to
crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day day when you
called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I
said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' "
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my
ounce of Demerol?"
"I better check you out first."
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if
I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
"What for?"
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get
sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
"I'm not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ
after you pass the kidney stone?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the
country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year.
Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his
(no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this
place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend
to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a
lawyer, agreed.
Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and
living in the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion
went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they
went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and
raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears -
a male and a female.
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for
cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear
reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has
he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff
grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the
lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while
visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head.
He just had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye,
leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in
the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer
who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took
a little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and
hell was in need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to
Lucifer.
Saint Peter: "This fence needs some repair. I'll see to it that
it gets fixed if you will help pay for it."
Lucifer: "If you want it fixed, you pay for it."
Saint Peter: "The fence is partly your responsibility and you
will help pay for it or I will sue you for that amount."
Lucifer: "Ha!! Where do you think you are going to get a
lawyer?!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the
bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer
for my 'gator."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A hindu, a rabbi, and a lawyer are traveling together and need to
stop for the night. So they stop at the next farmhouse, and find
lodging, with the qualification that the house is only big enough
for two of them, and one will have to sleep in the barn. So the
hindu volunteers and goes out to sleep in the barn while the
lawyer and rabbi sleep in the house.
A few minutes later, however, the lawyer and rabbi hear a knock
on the door, and opening it, find the hindu who protests "There
is a cow in the barn. Surely you can't expect me to sleep with
cattle." So the rabbi and the lawyer agree that perhaps the
rabbi should trade places with the hindu, and the rabbi goes out.
Within a short time, the hindu and the lawyer are getting ready
to go to sleep, when again there is a knock on the door. Opening
the door they find the rabbi protesting, "There is a pig in the
barn. Surely you can't expect me to sleep with a pig!".
Weary of the whole problem by this time, the lawyer pulls the
rabbi into the house, grabs a blanket and heads for the barn.
Almost immediately, there is a third knocking at the door, and
opening the door they find the pig and the cow. "Surely you
can't expect us to sleep with a lawyer."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study
of the law.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer
interprets the truth.
- Jean Giradoux
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those
who know the judge.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence, so
let's discuss his absence of character!
- Michael Lara
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
"There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when
he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his
salary as 'unearned income.'"
- ibid
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
A very rich man, who was very close to his money, got together
with his closest friends one day, who happened to be a Priest, a
Doctor, and a Lawyer (or course.)
The Rich Man was very old, and getting older, and was thinking
about his approaching death. He told his three friends this,
and asked them to do a favor for him when he died.
"Here are three envelopes, each contain $100,000, one for each of
you. I don't wish to go to the afterlife without my money.
Please, when I am buried, would each of you throw your
enveloples into the grave on top of my coffin?"
The three friends agreed, and took the envelopes.
Sure enough (of course) the Rich Man died. At his funeral, the
Doctor, the Priest and the Lawyer threw their envelopes on his
coffin.
As they were leaving the funeral, the Priest said to the others,
"I have a confession to make. The church needed a new altar
badly, so I . . . I took $5000 to buy it," and looked at his
feet.
The Doctor said, "Well, since ou've admitted it, I too must
confess that I took the money. The children's hospital where I
work needed a new, expensive X-ray machine, so I took $30,000 to
buy it."
The Doctor and the Priest both turned to the lawyer, expecting a
similar confession. Instead, he said "Oh, now, I didn't take any
of the money. I put a check for the entire $100,000 in the
envelope!"
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
--
Scott Rainey - President
OverByte Computer Systems ---- P. O. Box 6500 Portland OR 97228-6500
Jay Hipps
walks by.
"Wow," says one to the other. "Look at her! I'd sure like to fuck her."
"Really?," replies his companion. "Outta what?"
******
What do you call a bus full of lawyers with one empty seat going off a cliff?
A damn shame.
******
Oh, and to those wonderful attorneys who replied to my last joke: you
might check up on the difference between a joke and reality. Really, I
wasn't advocating mass cement graves for attorneys. Oh, and as for
putting it in "alt.tasteless"--since when have attorneys shown any taste??
(surprised I have to explain these things)
JH
Bob Another beer, please Christ
>Heard a different version:
>Well, you're long and feel like a prick, but you have no balls..
>You must be a lawyer.
Fuck you! I've told you all before that laywer jokes aren't
funny.
Bob
Bill Evans
: Fuck you! I've told you all before that laywer jokes aren't
: funny.
How could we have forgotten?
-- Captain Nitpick
Bill Evans
: Really, I
Attorneys are special. Each deserves individual attention.
-- Captain Nitpick
Dan Schwarcz
>eventually!!!
>
>---Little Miss Nitpick
>
>Aside: Yes, I know there are some fair lawyers out there, but this is rec.humor,
>where we flame EVERYBODY, so DEAL WITH IT!!!!
This is a test
Jan Chojnacki
>> Yeah, real funny, butthead. I just happen to be a lawyer.
>>Go fuck yourself.
>
>that you're a lawyer?
>
>You aren't one of those poor wretches that got shanghaied by
>"Fast Eddy's Pretty Good Lawyer School and Pawnshop", are you?
>I heard he musta kidnaped and brainwashed a good coupla hundred
>honest citizens before they caught him.
>
My friend the lawyer was reading this thread over my shoulder and he sure got
a good chuckle out of it - he was one of those shanghaied by Fast Eddy, but
he's gone into rehab and they think he'll survive deprogramming. He may even
be human when he checks out of the clinic.
>Bob "So Sue Me" Buckley
>bb...@itsa.ucsf.edu
>
Oh Bob, love that cough syrup of yours.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ja...@icebox.iceonline.com : If you eat a live toad first thing in the
: morning, nothing worse will happen to you all
Fido: 1:153/7116 : day.
Amateur Radio: VE7FJC : To you or the toad.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Matthew B Cravit
> Yeah, real funny, butthead. I just happen to be a lawyer.
> Go fuck yourself.
Lighten up! I am an (aspiring) lawyer, and still get a chuckle out of
these. In fact, some of the best lawyer jokes I have heard have been
told to me by lawyers.
As a friend of mine said (she's a lawyer), "Lawyers as a group take
themselves far too seriously. If you can't laugh at yourself, who can
you laugh at?"
Take a chill pill.
/Matthew
(Followups to the *.test groups have been removed)
--
Matthew Cravit, N9VWG | All opinions expressed here are
Michigan State University | my own. I don't speak for MSU
E-Mail: crav...@cps.msu.ed | and they don't speak for me.
PGP public key available from http://web.cps.msu.edu/~cravitma
Matthew B Cravit
lawyer:
"3 surgeons are discussing what kind of patient they most like to
operate on. The first surgeon says, 'I like operating on scientists
best -- you take them apart, fix the problem, and when you go to put
them back together, all the parts are numbered.' The second surgeon
says, 'No, I like engineers the best -- you take them apart, fix the
problem, and when you go to put them back together, not only are the
parts numbered, but they are color-coded.' The third says, 'No the
best to operate on are lawyers -- you take them apart, fix the
problem, and when you go to put them back together, and there are only
two parts, a mouth and an a**hole, and the two are interchangeable!' "
/MC
THE_PHANTOM
> In article <CozAA...@cunews.carleton.ca> lba...@superior.carleton.ca (Len Babin) writes:
>>
>>: i need any and all lawyer jokes. believe it or not, my prof. is giving
>>
>>This is being done because lawyers are easy to train, there is no
>>shortage of them and there are some things that rats just won't do.
>
> And besides, with lawyers there's no danger of the scientists growing
> fond of them.
>
> --
> Ross Smith (Wanganui, New Zealand) ... al...@acheron.amigans.gen.nz
> Keeper of the FAQ for rec.aviation.military
> "It may not be the Amiga that'll win out in the end. It may not be Unix.
> But, God willing, it won't be Microsoft either." (Charlie Gibbs)
>
What do you call 10000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean??
-- A start.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? - take your foot off his head.
Jochen Bink
>The lawyer died. Having not lived an all-that-honest life he
>found himself at the gates of Hell. "Welcome to Hell" announced
>the Devil greeting him warmly. "Glad you could join us. As your
>last taste of free will, you are allowed to choose which of three
>possible places that you will spend the rest of eternity."
>There were three doors behind the Devil. He opened the first
>door. Flames shot into the room and the lawyer could see
>thousands of people amidst the fire. "No" said the lawyer. "Not
>this one."
>The Devil opened the second door. The lawyer could see thousands
>of people slaving away at a large rockpile. They were all being
>whipped as they hammered the large boulders into smaller
>boulders. "No" again said the lawyer.
>
>Finally, the devil opened up that last door which showed
>thousands of people in a incredibly large lake with vomit up to
>their chins. All of them were chanting 'Dont make waves, dont
>make waves...' "That's awful!!" commented the lawyer in
>repulsion.
>"You think that's bad?" asked the devil, "you should see it when
>the angels spend the weekend here with their motorboats!"
There's another punchline to this kind of joke:
The lawyer decides for this third room "Hey, at least I won't
toil and sweat, I'll be warm and cozy forever!"
So he goes in and stands in the vomit with the rest, when the
devil screams:
" ALL RIGHT FELLOWS, THE BREAK IS OVER, EVERYBODY SIT DOWN AGAIN! "
--
Jochen Bink, ISS/IAP/THD, Hochschulstr. 6, 64289 Darmstadt
E-mail df...@hrzpub.th-darmstadt.de; Tel.: (06151) 16-3982, (FAX)-4123
Dave Lovely
A: A soldier leaves you when you are dead.
--
*******************************************************************************
David Lovely dlo...@mbvlab.wpafb.af.mil
Sverdrup Technology, Inc. 513/429-5056
4200 Colonel Glenn Highway, Suite 500 513/255-1115 (direct)
Beavercreek, Ohio 45431 513/476-4414 (just the Fax)
Model Based Vision Laboratory, Wright-Patterson AFB, Dayton, Ohio
Unix/Network Administration: "You name it...I will break it!"
Proud owner of a 1987 VW Cabriolet Wolfsburg Edition with a hip-hop stereo.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Mr. President, I am still waiting for my "Middle-Class Tax Cut"!
*******************************************************************************
Roberta Richards
Q: What's the difference between Kurt Cobain and a whiner attorney named Bob?
A: When God presented Cobain with the choices:
1) Post childish complaints to rec.humor
2) Blow his brains out,
he made the right decision.
(I'd put a smiley here but do you think Bob would get it?)
Alan Scott (husband of...
The opinions expressed herein are those of the poster.
--Cancel the clown; I'm vapor. (Darlene Conner)
William Peterson
>wrote:
>
>
>
> i need any and all lawyer jokes. believe it or not, my prof. is giving
> favorites. if there's an on-line compilation of jokes, i'd appreciate a
> pointer to where to find it.
>
Q: Why do they bury lawyers 6' under?
A: Deep down, they're really nice guys...
Ron Christian x5545
>Go fuck yourself.
>
Yeah. Which reminds me: Why do lawyers wear neckties?
To keep their foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Bob, seems to me you have two choices -- keep the money and endure the
jokes, or find a more ethical (albeit lower paying) profession.
Cheers.
Ron
--
"When an attempt is made in government to separate the wheat from the
chaff, we always seem to dump the wheat and keep the chaff. This is
because the chaff gets to choose." -- Oliver
Joseph K.
> Yeah, real funny, butthead. I just happen to be a lawyer.
>Go fuck yourself.
>
>Bob
Poor thing...
You were probably wandering the net in search of
alt.lawyers.praise, or rec.ego.boost, when you came upon rec.humor...
"Surely" you thought to yourself, "surely these kind, humorous people
will take me in, cleanse my wounds, nurse me back to health." And then
IT happened. The cutting remark, tossed off casually by one of the
larger jokemongers. You cried out "Objection!", but they merely laughed,
and leered. "You're not in Court anymore, boy..." Captain Nitpick said,
leaning closer to check your grammar. You looked around wildly, but
there was no escape! Derision poured on you from every side and there was
nothing you could do, no way to avoid the pummelling cascade of
insults...
except the q key, idiot.
Next time try NOT READING it if it BOTHERS YOU. [important
concepts capitalized for greater comprehension]
A american lawyer, an american tourist, a russian, and a cuban
are all riding in the same compartment on a train across europe.
They begin talking, and after a little while, the russian pulls
out a bottle of Vodka and offers everyone some. They all accept gladly,
and once everyone had gotten some, the russian throws the bottle out the
window.
"What are you doing?" the other three ask. "That bottle was
nearly full!"
"Well," the russian explained, "In my country, vodka is so common
that it is practically worthless. So we don't save the extra."
A little while later, the cuban gets out a box of cuban cigars,
and offers everyone one. After everyone has taken one, he throws the box
out the window.
Once again everyone is surprised at this apparent waste, but the
cuban gives the same explanation as the russian gave:
"In my country, cigars are so common that they're worthless."
The american feels he must match this display of excess.
So, after a few minutes thought, he gets up and throws the lawyer
out the window.
{laughter}
-K.
Ron Rothenberg
RO>pointer to where to find it.
Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
-rsr-
* SLMR 2.1a * I am immortal, at least till I die.
Richard C. Gowan
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up over their face!
snicker,snicker,giggle,TEEHEEHEEHAHAHAHAHAW!HAW!HAW!HAW!
Dale Lee
What do you call a lawer with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?
BOB
People don't start wars. They just die in them. Government Leaders start wars.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dale Lee |
4001 Discovery Drive | Handguns should be illegal. Then nobody would have them.
Suite 250 | Drugs are illegal. And nobody has them... Oops!
Boulder, CO 80303 |
303-541-6806 | Give Pizza Chants
Internet da...@advtech.uswest.com Visualize Whirled Peas
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boulder: Where the newspaper gets thrown further to the right every day.
Free Health Care that's "Always There" tm, No Matter What the Cost.
Smile (Cynthia Lux)
Just tell him/her, "HEY! Your epidermis is showing!"
The poor person won't know WHAT to do!
---Little Miss Nitpick
Bill Evans
Joseph K. (kpar...@Emerald.tufts.edu) made the following noteworthy contribution
to the highly esteemed collected works of rec.humor:
: "You're not in Court anymore, boy..." Captain Nitpick said,
"'Ey, mon!" he said. "Ya grammar's open!"
-- Captain Nitpick
Woody Thrower
>In article <gowanr-11...@162.48.110.47> gow...@aa.wl.com (Richard C. Gowan) writes:
>
>What do you call a lawer with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?
>
>
>BOB
Oh gawd. This hardly qualifies as a lawyer joke. Replace "lawyer" with
"bisexual photographer" and it makes the same sense.
You could have at LEAST picked an ethnic joke, where the word "lawyer"
meant something. "Why did the chicken cross the road in front of the
lawyer's house?" is about as qualified to be called a lawyer joke.
(Still working the nitpicking out of my system.)
--
Woody Thrower (wo...@park.uvsc.edu)
Thomas Quinot
: Here is THE lawyer joke. (Even lawyers like this one.)
: Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Has anybody a pointer to a reasonably complete collection of the Lightbulb
jokes ?
AdvTHANKSance,
Thomas.
--
ThoThoThoThoTho
Totolitoto !
Jim Cirin
Thanks very much for that great compilation of lawyer jokes. I enjoyed
them very much. It was also very refreshing to actually read a message
that had SOMETHING to do with the title of the thread!
Bob Another beer, please Christ
>Has anybody a pointer to a reasonably complete collection of the Lightbulb
>jokes ?
Sure. Just look up your ass -- must be a couple thousand
of them.
Bob
Jason Erickson
Q: What do you call a thousand lawyers buried up to their necks in
sand at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.
--
/*------------------------------------------------------------------*/
/*In real life: Jason Erickson |Phone: Home: 973-0245 */
/*email: jher...@peruvian.cs.utah.edu or | Work: 582-1565 */
/* jason.e...@m.cc.utah.edu | ext. 2469 */
/* | */
/*------------------------------------------------------------------*/
/* "DYSLEXICS UNTIE!" */
/*------------------------------------------------------------------*/
Michael W Slattery
This is a test,
this is your brain on a test
.....
--
**********************************************************************
Mike Slattery msla...@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu
Byrd Polar Research Center msla...@geo1b.mps.ohio-state.edu
The Ohio State University Toba, where are you?
SmallCo
attacked. why not?
Professional courtesy.
J C Kirk
Lawyer: "Now, isn't it true that on the 5th November last year, you rode
naked through the streets on top of a dustcart, letting off fireworks,
and singing 'I did it my way' loudly?"
Defendant: "What was the date again?"
John
--
******** | "He's very English. If he goes over the edge, the
********* ********** | worst outward sign will probably be that his
* ******** | grammar will deteriorate."
* *** |
******** | _Timetrap_ (David Dvorkin)
e-mail : J.C....@durham.ac.uk
The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek:
7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon
and torture you for information.
Wolfgang von Thuelen
Lawyers get frequent flyer points.
--
Wolfgang von Thuelen Internet: wo...@mbnet.mb.ca
ISM Information Systems Management Corp. CompuServe: 74147,523
400 Ellice Avenue Voice: +1 204 946 6776
Winnipeg, MB, Canada R3B 3M3 Fax: +1 204 947 3837