[SATELLITE OF LOVE- THEATER] > > The giants walk to the doors, now wearing red and white > horizontal-striped miniskirts (or ancient Egyptian garb?). Crow: Y'know, those giants must be really secure in their masculinity to dress like that. > They pull the iron doors open slowly, and we see the GOLD > GIRL DANCER lying on her back on the altar inside. Mike: Having back pain? Maybe you're sleeping on the wrong mattress! > > SHIRLEY > (pointing toward the mausoleum) > Look! Tom: [as Pat Barringer] It's me in my even MORE demeaning role! > > BOB > Be careful!--They'll see you. > Crow: [as Bob] Criswell just had surgery for his cataracts! > The Gold Girl Dancer rises slowly and seductively from the > table, then stalkingly dances out into the clearing. Mike: The stalker dance was choreographed by Mrs. David Letterman > She is > wearing a metallic gold tunic-like dress. Tom: Hey, her dress is made of gold lame. Mike: Uh, Tom, I think that word is pronounced "la-MAY." Tom: Trust me, Mike. If it's in THIS movie, it's just plain lame. > > We see a shot of Bob and Shirley watching, and suddenly the > Gold Girl's dress has disappeared. Crow: Big deal! She's wearing a copper-insulated girdle underneath. > > The Gold Girl Dance continues. Mike: But for how much longer? America waits and wonders. > > CRISWELL > Throw gold at her. Tom: Criswell must be a Democrat. He tries to solve a problem by throwing money at it. > > The giants pick up a bucket of gold doubloons and begin > slowly sprinkling them over the Gold Girl as she dances. Crow: Er, guys... I don't think this is what Reagen meant by the "trickle-down" effect. > She sits on the ground and reaches for the falling coins. > > CRISWELL > More gold. Mike: [as Criswell] Throw Flava Flav's teeth at her! > > The giants continue dropping gold coins on the Gold Girl. > She picks up the gold coins, rubbing them over her body, > in ecstasy. Tom: Isn't she afraid the chocolate in those coins is going to melt? > > CRISWELL > (excitedly) > More gold! Crow: Why does he keep saying that? He must be trying to start a catch phrase, like "Show me the money" or "Where's the beef?" > > The giants continue, to the delight of Criswell. The Gold > girl tries to scoop all the scattered coins closer to her. Mike: Why bother? Is she planning to do some shopping in the Underworld? > > CRISWELL > (impatiently) > More gold! Tom: [as Criswell] And step on it! "Matlock" is on in five minutes! > > The giants continue. Criswell is thrilled, and begins to > LAUGH loudly. Crow: [pretending to laugh] I just remembered a hysterical "Family Circus" I saw this morning. > > CRISWELL > (to the Princess) > For all eternity, she shall > have gold. Mike: And Hell's been off the gold standard for years! > > The Princess of Darkness laughs in acknowledgement, Tom: Suck-up! Crow: Brownnoser! > then > claps her hands twice, commanding the Giants to finish the > ceremony. Mike: [pauses] Oh, I guess I'll say it... "CLAP OFF!" Crow: C'mon, Mike, we already did a Clapper joke. > > The Giants walk toward the Gold Girl, who is still on the > ground playing with the gold coins and rubbing them on her > body. Tom: Here's a hint -- if the gold color rubs off on your skin, the coins probably aren't real. > The giants pick up the Gold Girl, who resists, trying > to maintain contact with the gold. She reaches for it as > they lift her up. Mike: ["mom" voice] C'mon, honey. It's time for bed. The coins will still be there in the morning, and you can play with them then. > > CLOSEUP of a BUBBLING GIANT CAULDRON full of a substance that > is supposed to look like gold. Crow: Yuck! It's C-3PO's jacuzzi! > > The Giants dip the Gold Girl feet first into the cauldron, > submerging her entire body. Tom: And now Miss Pat Barringer will do her impression of a French Dip sandwich. > > A few seconds later, the giants lift the Gold Girl out of the > cauldron. Crow: Be sure to leave your ghoul in the cauldron until she's toasted to a golden brown. > Her body is now entirely gilded, and she is stiff. Mike: Are you sure this is how the Solid Gold Dancers got started? > They lift her onto their shoulders, Tom: Why? Did she score the winning touchdown? > carrying her like a board, > walking in front of Criswell's throne, Crow: [as Criswell] This gilded nude woman is undercooked! Send her back to the kitchen. > then back into the > mausoleum, laying her body on the altar. > > We see Bob and Shirley, looking dismayed. Mike: [mournful] We're missing "Friends" for this! > > CRISWELL (VO) > And both couldn't help but > remember a line from one of > Bob's stories: Tom: "As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams..." Wait, that isn't it. > "A sudden wind > howls. The night things are > all about me. Crow: Night things? Could you be a little more specific, maybe? > Every shadow, a > beckoning invitation... Mike: ...to someone's open house. > to > disaster. I know I should > think of other things, of > pleasant things, Tom: Of "Wild Things." > but I can't. > How can I think of other things, > of pleasant things, Crow: Successful authors like Bob know that good writers use the word "things" whenever possible. For example: "It was the best of things, it was the worst of things, it was the age of things, it was the age of other things..." > when I am > in a place surrounded by > shadows and objects, which can > take any shape, here in the > darkness... Mike: So the "line" they were both reminded of was actually more like a rambling, nonsensical paragraph? Tom: Looks that way. > Any shape my mind > can conceive." Crow: Trapezoid, rhombus, you name it. > > Deep in the woods, we see THE WOLF MAN and THE MUMMY, walking > quickly. Mike: [as the Mummy] If we hurry, we can catch the last few minutes of "Judge Judy." > > Suddenly, Bob and Shirley are grabbed from behind by the WOLF > MAN and the MUMMY. Tom: Don't worry. The Wolf Man and Mummy just took a first aid class, and they want to try out the Heimlich Maneuver. > The Wolf Man and The Mummy drag Bob and > Shirley over to the clearing near Criswell's throne. Crow: [as Criswell] No, you idiot! I called for my pipe, my bowl, and my fiddlers three! > > The Princess of Darkness is now seated at Criswell's right > side with him on his throne. Mike: She is seated at the right hand of the father. She will come again in glory to judge the living dead. > > CRISWELL > Bring 'em in! Tom: [as Criswell] And have 'em sign my yearbook! > > The Princess of Darkness stands and walks to the end of the > altar below Criswell's throne, then sits on the lower seat at > the end of the altar and crosses her legs. Crow: [as Princess] Phew! That took a lot out of me! > > The Wolf Man and The Mummy drag Bob and Shirley over to the > center of the clearing to face Criswell, The Sole Ruler of > the Dark World. Mike: [as Mummy] We got the two hooligans who were throwing eggs at your mausoleum, Criswell. > > CRISWELL > They are live ones? Tom: As improbable as it may seem, yes. > > THE MUMMY > (with audible tape hiss added) Crow: Tape hiss was actually _added_ to this dialogue? That seems pretty gratuitous. > Yes, Master. > > CRISWELL > Live ones where only the dead > should be? Mike: What can I say? The underworld has really lax security. > > THE MUMMY > Yes, Master, and we caught > them, him and me. Tom: They caught _themselves_ then? > > The Mummy motions toward the Wolf Man. > > THE WOLF MAN > WWWWOOOOOOAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHAHAAAA!!! Crow: I hear he improvised all his dialogue. > > CRISWELL > You shall both be rewarded. Mike: With a cost-of-living allowance and a dental plan! > (To Princess) > My Dear Empress of the Night, > put these intruders to the > test. Tom: Have them play "You Don't Know Jack About Eternal Damnation." > > Medium Shot of Princess of Darkness. (Suddenly the Princess > of Darkness is beside the throne again, several feet from the > seat at the foot of the altar) Crow: Gee, that's odd. A continuity error in an Ed Wood movie? Who would have guessed? > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > But they are not yet one of us. Mike: [as Princess] They have not yet signed their membership cards or taken their loyalty oath. > > CRISWELL > (happily) > A situation easily remedied. Tom: [as Criswell] I love my work! > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > Tie them that they may watch. Crow: Y'know, this is the _only_ way Paul Simon could get people to sit through "The Capeman." > > CUT back to long shot of the entire throne and throne altar. > The Princess of Darkness is now seated again at the end of > the altar. Mike: [sings] Round, round, get around All: [sing] She gets around > > The Wolf Man and The Mummy tie Bob and Shirley to very tall > grave stones. Tom: [as Bob] Must... hide... arousal! > > CUT to medium-close shot of Princess of Darkness, whose chest > is heaving excitedly as she grips the handle of the long > sacrificial dagger tucked into the belt at her waist. Crow: [as Princess] Average-looking people get me _so_ hot! > > SHIRLEY > (desperately, to Criswell) > Fiend! Fiend! Mike: [as Shirley] Forcing us to watch a strip show was bad enough, but the two-drink minimum -- it's inhuman! > > PRINCESS OF DARKNESS > To love the cat, is to be > the cat! Tom: Suddenly, the movie becomes an ad for Friskies. > > Criswell motions toward The Princess of Darkness, who then > walks back up onto the altar and then sits down beside > Criswell again. [Mike and the 'bots start to leave.] Crow: She's logging more miles than a Northwestern flight attendant at this point. 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