> > CUT TO: > > INT. TV STUDIO -- MACHINE ROOM - MORNING Crow: Morning in the Sweet Valley High machine room. The Diet Pepsi tastes a little sweeter. The modulators are a little less smelly. The sporks are a little more plastic... > > The place is a madhouse as Students prepare for the > broadcast. Servo: (as Star Trek's Scotty) Jim, ah need more Oxy 10! This zit on my nose -- she's about t' blow! > Jessica waits anxiously at the door, eyes > peeled for Liz. She grabs a passing Student. Mike: Do I look fat? Give me your honest opinion! > > JESSICA > Have you seen Elizabeth? > > The Student shakes his head. Crow: Sorry I can't answer you with words, but they'd have to pay me extra. > > COLLINS > (entering) > Ten minutes, people! Mike: We couldn't hold the attention of the audience for ten minutes, people. > (to Jessica) > Jessica, I need to proof your copy. > > JESSICA > Sorry, Mr. C. Servo: I gave it to Potsie and Ralph, and they're still down at Arnold's. > That irresponsible Liz > is still Xeroxing. Crow: Yeah, she's wasting the best years of her life with that machine. We try to tell her she needs help, but she won't listen to reason. I guess she's just a hopeless Xeroxoholic. > > INT. CONTROL ROOM - SAME > > Patty sits at the Switcher, wearing a headset. She > checks the monitor feeds from Cameras One and Two. Mike: (as Patty, annoyed) Will SOMEONE please get that Dick Cavett creep out of here? He's blocking the camera! > > PATTY > ...okay, looks good, Camera One. Camera > Two, zoom out. ...Camera Two? > Hello, Camera Two? That's you, Todd. Servo: Oh good. Another Todd scene. > > INT. STUDIO FLOOR > > Todd, behind Camera Two, wakes up. > > TODD > (springs to life) > ...oh, sorry. Mike: (as Todd, drowsy) I was just dreaming about meeting Corey Haim. > > INT. MACHINE ROOM - BY DOOR > > Jessica paces. Elizabeth enters. > > JESSICA > Elizabeth! I knew you'd make it. Crow: I knew you'd make it to a certain plateau in show business and no further. > Where are the stories? > > Elizabeth hands Jessica some papers. Jess looks them > over, puzzled. Servo: Hey! Wait a minute! These are in Sanskrit! > > JESSICA > These are blank... Mike: They're my new conceptual art pieces. I'm charging $5000 a piece for them. > > ELIZABETH > They are? Silly me. I must've > inadvertently exchanged the stories I > wrote with the ones you wrote. Crow: So Raul is trying to turn this into a morality play about the evils of tape-switching, I guess. > > JESSICA > Is there supposed to be some kind of > irony going on here? Servo: Well, technically, "irony" implies either a contrast between what is spoken and what is meant OR between what is intended and what is accomplished. Liz's brilliant blank paper ploy actually falls under the category of "poetic justice," as filtered through hack writing -- i.e. that of Raul Fernandez. > > ELIZABETH > How can you stand there and pretend > you don't know what I'm talking > about??? Mike: Easy! I haven't read the script! > > JESSICA > Practice? Crow: (as Jess) I have plenty of practice not knowing what people are talking about! > > ELIZABETH > You knew how much work I put in, Mike: That tape took me fifteen whole minutes to make -- minutes I could have been spending writing a fan letter to Jonathan Taylor Thomas! you > knew how much I wanted to be anchor! > And still you switched tapes just so > you could get the job! Servo: (casually) Yeah, well, what are ya gonna do... > > PATTY(O.S.) > Fifteen Seconds! Where's Jessica? Crow: Getting hammered, as usual! > > JESSICA > ...okay, okay. I admit it. Mike: I'm an alcoholic. > It was > dishonest, selfish, and inexcusable. > Now, if I can just have the stories-- > > COLLINS > (enters) > What's going on here? Servo: Oh, nothing much. We were just debating whether Leonardo DiCaprio is totally mega-hot or just plain hot. > > ELIZABETH > It's about my tape-- > > COLLINS > I told you, Elizabeth, my decision is > final. Now stop interfering Mike: I'm sure there's an opening for you at MSNBC! > and let > Jessica get to work. > > Collins herds Jessica into... Crow: Hopefully, it's some sort of slaughterhouse. > > INT. CONTROL ROOM Crow: Damn! > > Collins opens the door to the Studio Floor. > > JESSICA > But the stories-- Servo: --on this show totally suck! > > COLLINS > No time to proof them now; I'll just > have to trust you. Now go! We're > LIVE, remember? Mike: Stomp your foot once if you understand, twice if you don't. > > Collins pushes Jess into... Crow: This time, it's got to be the slaughterhouse. > > INT. STUDIO FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Crow: Damn! I should've known not to trust that Fernandez! > > Jessica scrambles to take her place behind the News desk. Servo: Taking her place beside Deborah Norville in journalism history! > > PATTY(V.0.) > Four, three, two ... Mike: We've got movie si... oops! > > The Floor Director points to Jessica as Camera One's > tally LIGHTS. Jess freezes like a deer in its glare. Crow: Must... find... a salt lick! > She manages a smile. Servo: Those lessons with Strasberg really paid off! > > JESSICA > Hi ... I'm Jessica Fakewield-- Mike: Her Freudian slip is showing. > Wakefield-- with the oracle On Air > News ... So... Here we are. Our > first live broadcast... Servo: You are looking live at sold out Sweet Valley High! > Yep. Live. > No editing to save our butts, no sir. Crow: (gasps) She said "butts"! > > INT. CONTROL ROOM > > Patty, Collins, and Winston. Mike: Yikes! Is it really wise to have these three dynamic characters on camera at the same time. I mean, can one screen hold their combined energies? > > PATTY > This doesn't look good... Servo: My resume does NOT look good. > > Elizabeth enters, looks at the monitors. Collins looks > to her. She shrugs. Mike: (as Liz) I thought this Fernandez guy was a professional writer, too! > > INT. STUDIO FLOOR > > Jessica's starting to sweat. Crow: Think of all the class time that's going to waste as students throughout the whole school are watching this! > The Floor Director gives > her a "HURRY UP" sign. > > JESSICA > Oh! The news. Yes, well, a lot has > happened this last week. Mike: Violence, corruption, sex, betrayal... and that was just the last French Club meeting! > Bunches ... > (forces a smile) > Why there's so much going on, you > just can't keep track. Heh... > (smile drops) > ...Yep, a whole lotta news. Servo: Great big gobs of greasy, grimey gopher news. > (beat) > And now, with the details, my sister > Elizabeth. Elizabeth... Crow: (as Redd Foxx, feigning heart attack) This is the big one, Elizabeth! I'm comin' to join ya, honey! > > INT. CONTROL ROOM > > Collins looks to Elizabeth. He's obviously figured out > what happened. Mike: He's wound up as a regular on a third-rate syndicated series and will never get the chance to play Hamlet like he vowed to himself he would. > > COLLINS > I should have known. Servo: I should have known to take that part on "ER" instead of this! > Now go get > 'em... Mike: Go get 'em drunk, that is! > > Collins pushes Elizabeth into... Crow: An elevator shaft where she plunges to her... Mike: Crow, just don't, okay? > > INT. STUDIO FLOOR > > Elizabeth assumes a professional demeanor as she walks > behind the news desk. Servo: Feel the wrath of my professionalism! > Jessica stands to let Elizabeth > take her place. Crow: ...And the torch is passed to a new generation of bimbos. > > ELIZABETH > Thank you, Jessica. > > JESSICA > Anytime ... > > Jessica exits. Elizabeth looks into camera. Servo: You are now under my control. You will do exactly as I say. I guess what I'm getting at is... SLEEEEEEEEEP!!!! > > ELIZABETH > Good morning Sweet Valley. Here's > the news you need to know... Mike: There is no future awaiting you in the real world! Give up now! > > INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS > > We HEAR Elizabeth continue with her report as Jess enters > and quietly shuts the door to the stage. Collins comes > up to her. > > COLLINS > We should talk... Servo: ...about how to invest the money we're making from this show. I have a feeling it's going to be a short ride for both of us. > > Jessica swallows hard. Crow: That's what it says on the wall of the boys' bathroom! Mike: I let that one slide, Crow, because I know this script has been tough on you. Crow: I appreciate it, Mike. > > INT. CONTROL ROOM - SAME > > The Program Monitor shows Elizabeth, but the text below > her still reads "Jessica." [Crow "sings" a bit of the song "Jessica" by the Allman Bros.] Crow: Da-da-da DEE-da DEE-da DEE-da, wah wah wah wah > Patty calls to Winston. Servo: C'mere, loverboy. > > PATTY > Winston. The graphic still says > "Jessica." Type in a new card for > Elizabeth. > > WINSTON > By your command ... Mike: So let it be written! So let it be done! > > Winston sits at the Character Generator, types. Crow: "It was a dark and stormy night..." > At the > Switcher, Patty takes the new text. > > PATTY > Perfect. > (into headset) > You're up next, Bruce. Servo: Too bad you have to follow such a thorough professional. > > WINSTON > (grumbling) > Bruce ... All: BROOOOOOOOOOCE!!!! BROOOOOOOOCE!!!!! > > Winston glares at Bruce through the window. A light goes > on in Winston's head. Servo: I paid too much for my muffler! > He re-patches some cables, types > into the character generator. Mike: Cranks up the Pink Floyd music, and turns this into one groovy laser light show. > > INT. STUDIO FLOOR - SAME > > Elizabeth finishes up. Crow: (as Ted Baxter) ...leaving 28 people condominiumless. > > ELIZABETH > ...And now, with his take on the > news, Bruce Patman. > > Camera Two's tally light goes on, Camera One's goes out. > > BRUCE > Thank you Jess-- I mean Elizabeth. > Hello fellow Gladiators. As if you > didn't know, Servo: ...I like to torture small animals. And who are you to tell me it's "wrong"? > I'm Bruce Patman. And > this is the Patman Perspective... Mike: I'm peeved as heck, and I'm not going to take it for too much longer! > > INT. CONTROL ROOM > > Bruce's face fills the program monitor. Crow: If I were that program monitor, I'd rather be filled with Ernest Borgnine's butt. > > PATTY > Where's his card? > > WINSTON > Coming right up... Servo: Lame comic relief coming right up... > > Winston smiles, punches a button. "The Patman > Perspective" Mike: And now, the Pac-Man perspective: Why don't those ghosts just leave me alone? > appears below Bruce's face. Then the text > starts moving, revealing ... > > TEXT SCROLL > See how my nostrils flare when I > talk? Crow: See how my lips move when I read? > > PATTY > Winston... > (punches buttons, to no effect) Servo: Your puny buttons are useless against my nerdiness! > Winston! > > INT. STUDIO FLOOR > > Bruce continues his commentary. Jessica kneels beside > Elizabeth. Mike: Bless me, mallrat, for I have sinned. > > JESSICA > Elizabeth, I'm so sorry. I know that > what I did was really low-- > > ELIZABETH > What did Collins say? Crow: Oh, he mumbled something about how he's tired of people judging his lifestyle and that he and Ramon are just good friends. > > JESSICA > I have to talk to the Principal. Servo: He thinks he can get me a walk-on part on "Xena." > > Elizabeth looks back down at her copy. > > ELIZABETH > Can't say you don't deserve it... All Three: You don't deserve it! > > JESSICA > Don't be mad. This is the first time > you didn't let me walk all over you > and get away with it. You finally > stood up to me. Mike: Are they referring to the blank paper thing? Servo: Yeah, that was a real "zinger," wasn't it? > And the only reason > you did is because I behaved so > awfully. > > ELIZABETH > You're saying I should be thankful? Crow: Yeah, we could be doing summer-stock in Hoboken, NJ! > > JESSICA > Yes ... > > Jessica ventures a smile. Servo: And we all learned a valuable lesson: truly virtuous people will also be good on-camera, while evil people will embarrass themselves in public. > > ELIZABETH > (a beat, then smiles) > You're a nightmare. Mike: And, yet, I cannot wake up in a cold sweat and escape you. > > INT. CONTROL ROOM > > on the monitor, Bruce continues obliviously as text > continues to scroll under him. Patty struggles to pull > Winston away from the character generator. Servo: Good luck trying to seperate a nerd from anything computer-related! > > BRUCE (ON MONITOR) > ...well I don't care what people > think! Crow: I still say Hulk Hogan deserved an Oscar for MR. NANNY! > America is beautiful! I > love America! And to those who > don't, I say love her or leave her! Servo: So his specialty is uncontroversial controversial issues. > > TEXT SCROLL > America is the name of my sheep... Mike: Isn't that the name of an e.e. cummings poem? > > FADE OUT. > > END OF ACT TWO Crow: (as Elvis) Now the stage is bare / And you're standing there [*, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog Bone] [Satellite of Love - Bridge] [Tom, coffee cup still in place, is strapped down on the console. Mike, wearing a welding mask, is holding some sort of laser-gun / blowtorch. Crow is wearing shop-class goggles.] Mike: Okay, hold still, Tom. We'll have that "I Hate Mondays" mug off you in no time! Servo: I'm not so sure about thi... [Too late. Mike aims the laser-torch at Servo and starts blasting away. It creates a lot of smoke, but the coffee mug remains in place.] Servo: Mike! Stop! You're gonna singe my paint job! [Mike stops. He lifts up the welding mask.] Mike: Phew! That thing is on there but GOOD! Crow: I still think a sledgehammer is the way to go. Let me go get one. [Gypsy enters.] Gypsy: Hi, guys! What's going on here? Mike: Oh, hi, Gyps! We're trying to get this coffee mug off Tom's forehead. The laser-torch did nothing, so Crow is about to get a sledgehammer. Gypsy: Have you tried water? Mike: (scoffing) Water? Have we tried WATER?! You actually think this mug would come off if I picked up a glass of water like this one here... [Mike picks up a nearby glass of water.] Mike: ...And just tossed it at the mug, like this... [He tosses the water at the mug.] Mike: I mean, really, Gypsy, did you honestly think... [The mug falls off. Everyone is stunned into silence.] Gypsy: You're welcome! [Gypsy holds her head up and exits.] Mike: Well, how 'bout that... [Lights; siren] Mike: Oh no! We've got Sweet Valley sign!!! [Dog bone, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, *] [Everyone takes their seats] > > CREDIT TAG > Servo: The "credit tag," eh? Well, guess it's time to drag out the aliases and stage names. > FADE IN: Mike: Just a few more minutes left, guys. Crow: Yeah! Maybe there'll be some more discussion of the latest advances in audio-video equipment. That'll make the time fly by! > > INT. HALLWAY > > Bruce walks along the hall. Students point and GIGGLE > behind his back. Bruce is puzzled. Marco accosts him. Servo: The highly-anticipated return of Marco. > > MARCO > Oh man, Bruce. You were great today! > Those jokes running under your > editorial were a howl! Crow: I saw the best minds of my generation, destroyed by "Sweet Valley High." > > BRUCE > Jokes? Mike: You know -- those humorous statements Raul Fernandez can't seem to come up with? > > MARCO > Dude, come on! America's the name of > your sheep? Crow: When everybody knows your sheep is named Daisy! > (laughs) > That's funny stuff! Servo: Of course, I also find FAMILY MATTERS to be a puckish satire. > > BRUCE > (covering) > --Well, of course. I wrote it. > > Bruce looks around, spots Winston LAUGHING with Enid. > Winston smiles, waves. Bruce is livid. Mike: Bruce couldn't even SPELL livid. > > BRUCE > Egbert!!! > > Winston dashes off. Bruce runs after him. Crow: You can't hide from my love! Why fight fate? > > > INT. STUDIO FLOOR - DAY > > Winston locks himself in the control room. Bruce enters, > POUNDS on the glass. > > BRUCE > You're history, egg-head! Servo: Egghead? You mean the villain from "Batman"? Well, I suppose that character DID play some role in television history, now that you mention it. > > Through the glass, Winston laughs at Bruce. Mike: Later that day, Bruce returned to school with an Uzi and went on a kill-crazy rampage. Still, while he lay dying on the ground like an animal, Winston had to admit it had been a pretty funny joke. > > FADE OUT. > > END OF SHOW Servo: End of careers. Crow: End of pointless, prolonged misery for three innocent victims of Raul Fernandez's cruel abuse. [*, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog Bone] [Satellite of Love - Bridge] [A huge banner has been affixed to the wall -- "OUR FRIEND, THE SPORK." The whole place is filled with spork-related art: i.e. paintings of sporks, sculptures made from sporks, and a spork mobile hanging from the ceiling. Crow and Servo are already behind the console when Mike enters.] Crow: Oh good! You're here, Mike! You're just in time for our lavish, expensive gala tribute to the spork. Not only did this wondrous utensil play a big part in today's story, it has also improved the quality of life for every man, woman, and child alive today. That's why we decided to put on this exhibit called "OUR FRIEND, THE SPORK." Tom's about to read some of his famous "spork haiku." [Japanese music plays faintly in the background as a spotlight hits Tom.] Servo: How I love the spork It's two utensils in one It can puncture tires [Mike and Crow applaud. Servo takes a bow.] Servo: Thank you! Thank you! Mike: (wiping away a fake tear) Oh, that was lovely. And I'm assuming all these sporks were paid for... Crow: ...with your credit card, naturally. Mike: Aha. Crow: We assumed you wouldn't balk at spending $750 for such a noble cause. Mike: Y'know, I would normally be upset if I heard that, but I'm so worn out after that "Sweet Valley High" script, I can't muster any anger. [Red light flashes.] Mike: We're getting another call from Pearl. Maybe that'll get me sufficiently angry. [Strange new world.] [Two of the Earwacks are fanning Pearl with big palm leaves. Another is painting her toenails. She's just kicking back in her royal throne.] Pearl: Hey, Nelsoneddie, how did you and your little toys there enjoy today's script? [SoL - Bridge] [They grumble.] [Strange new world.] Pearl: I thought you'd like it. We've been having a great time here on Endust. Observer has started an Endust Community Theater. They're putting on a production of "Death of a Salesman." [Camera pans right. Observer is standing on a crudely-fashioned bamboo stage with a couple of furry creatures.] Observer: We never told the truth for ten minutes in this house! [The creatures are clearly confused. One ventures a guess.] Creature: Oooga... chucka? Observer: No, no, no! Your line is "We always told the truth!" Listen, Weebo, you're playing Willy Loman. That's the most important role in the entire play. You've got to take this seriously! [Camera goes back to Pearl.] Pearl: Isn't that charming? Even Bobo seems to have assimilated. Some of the Earwack children are using him as a Maypole. [Camera pans left. Bobo has been tied to a pole. Little Earwacks are busy putting twigs around his feet.] Bobo: Oh, help... [Back to Pearl.] Pearl: How precious is that, huh? So it looks like we might be setting up permanent shop here on Endust. [The camera pulls back, revealing a woman who looks very much like Pearl. The other woman is standing next to Pearl's throne and looking very impatient. She wears a long robe and holds a scepter.] [SoL - Bridge] Mike: Uh, Mrs. Forrester, who's that next to you? [Strange new world.] Pearl: Oh, it's just the Earwacks' real god. (beat) THE REAL GOD?!? Uh oh. [She smiles at the goddess.] Pearl: Uh, hi. Nice to meet you. Say, that hairstyle looks great on you! [Pearl dashes away.] Pearl: Come on, Observer, we've got to get out of here. [Observer follows after her.] Observer: Oh, drat! I just had a big speech coming up! [They exit. The goddess takes the throne. The Earwacks gather around her and start the "ooga-chucka" chant.] Bobo: (off) Uh, could someone please untie me? I'm starting to chafe. [Roll closing theme song and credits.] Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its associated characters and situations are the property and trademarks of Best Brains, Inc. In no way should this MiSTing be construed to be an infringement on those rights. All rights reserved. Copyright (C) 1998 Joe Blevins "Saved by the spork..."