[Slam Dunk][FanFic][Yaoi/Lime] Loving in Vain
Maria Jose
this fic's YAOI, meaning Boy and Bouy love, so PLS don't read it if you
don't feel easy with it. I warned ya, so don't flame me.
Timeline: This is placed after Rukawa goes to the USA to play b-ball, so
Hanamichi is on his own. And what if he turns to another person to
ease his loneliness?
Bye, bye!!
Minako, the Glasses Keeper
"LOVING IN VAIN".
Look at me, Hanamichi-kun.
I'm so sorry, believe me. I just can't keep up anymore.
I'm grated of lie and of self-compassion. It's enough of seeing you
slowly dying in my arms, of letting the steam of our lovemakings blow
away the truth of our despaired attempts to shut up what we know too
much.
I don't love you. I can't love you.
*****
Everything started the second time you cried in front of me. The first
one was in the match against Kainan, three years ago. And that night,
you came up to the apartment I was sharing then with Hisashi, and before
we asked you what happened, you held me tight and said,
"It's over, Megane-kun. It's over. Rukawa rejected me".
For the first time Hisashi didn't scowl at you. You cried by us for
hours, telling us in between sobs that Rukawa told you not to wait for
him during his time in America, that he possibly would never, ever be
back. We three ended up half drunk, sleeping in the couch, holding each
other tight in our arms, like children searching for warmth in a cold
night.
Rukawa was right. He never came back. Even then you kept waiting like
a puppy, waiting for the letters that rarely came, enjoying the
experiences he told you in his e-mails, but always keeping himself out
of the picture, as if he was talking to a stranger.
It was too much loneliness he left there in your heart, and Kaede knew
it too well; hence his stubborn negative to continue your relationship,
trying not to hurt you. He told me once in a postcard that he didn't
want to tie you up to false hopes and expectatives; however, deep inside
I know, he didn't want to be tied up to you.
****
That afternoon, when Hisashi went out to buy his new b-ball sneakers, I
couldn't know that the brief, warm kiss he left in my lips, would be the
one of his good-bye. About two hours later, Haruko-chan came herself to
tell me in between sobs that an accident ended up with his life.
Hisashi's baby nephew Heike was there. He had the innocence of his,
then, five years. He barely blabed in his rudimentary language if death
was forever. As for me... I nearly thought it was a joke. That Hisashi
told Haruko-chan to tell me that lie, and later he'd pop out saying
'Missed me?', to hold me tight in his arms and kiss my face all over,
barely stopping in my lips.
But Hisashi's nephew tugged at my pants and, refusing to let go, began
to wail. Haruko-chan forced herself to stop crying seeing this and with
a voice I didn't knew she had, she told me everything. That he crossed
the streets in front of Chieko Sports before it was time and a drunken
driver hit him. That she and you witnessed everything. That he was
dead when the ambulance came.
I try to recall those days to no real use. My tears would come at the
sole mention of you, but I managed to restrain them. I knew that, even
if I cried, he wouldn't ber there to wash them away himself. Mitsui
Hisashi was dead, and my shock at his loss was so great, that I didn't
even had tears to spend for the one I loved with all my soul.
Heike thought at first that it was an error and his 'older brother' was
sleeping. He kept stubbornly believing it even after the funeral, even
after we put the mum flowers inside his coffin and I was the one who
turned on the furnace for the cremation (*).
How many walls I built to give the impression of being strong after
losing the love of my life. Yet they all fell down the same moment I
was alone in my, no, our room, lying on the same bed he made love to me
and I cuddled him afterwards, so many nights...
What was that for?, I asked myself, tears sliding down my face. Then
the door opened and you came in. I couldn't believe this was the
Tensai. No, that broken, pale figure couldn't be Sakuragi Hanamichi.
"Megane-kun, can I come?", you asked timidly.
"A.. ah, Hanamichi-kun. It's okay", I blabed stupidly wiping my tears
away and sitting in the bed. You smiled weakly and sat by my side in
silence.
We just stood there, trying at least to enjoy each other's company.
"You've been crying?", you asked breathlessly as you saw the still moist
traces down my cheeks.
"... What looks like I've been doing?", I replied harshly. I wanted to
slap myself as I realized. "Sorry", I add in a whisper.
"Megane-kun... You...".
You wrapped your arms around me like encircling a child's body. The
same strong arms and hands that made your Tensai passes and hurted the
thugs, now were cradling me. I couldn't help but cry...
"It... it hurts too much...", I remember that I murmured in your ear
when I could talk. "My still-born brother. My friend Meiko, at junior
high. My father, days after my graduation. Anzai-sensei, a year ago.
And now... now Hisashi...".
"They all. died?", you asked.
"Yes. They all died. Snatched away by Death. Why do the persons I love
leave so early... leaving me alone...?".
"You're not alone", you retorted. "There are your mother and your
sister, Micchy's family who all love you, Ryouchin, Ayako-chan, Gori,
Haruko-chan, Ka...".
I knew it was going to happen. You were about to say 'Kaede',
forgetting that he was far away.
"... Hanamichi-kun?", I whispered. Then I noticed you were crying too.
"... Who am I to judge you for crying, Megane-kun?", you said, quickly,
words spattering and crashing down, painfully. "I've been grieving
too... I can't bear this loneliness".
"But...".
You cut me off with a desperate kiss on my mouth. I couldn't react.
Arms wrapped around my waist, holding me tight. I couldn't deny myself
even when I desperately started to struggle. Even when I knew I couldn't
win, being physically weaker than you.
"Megane-kun...", you murmured in my ear as we parted, lowering me down
to the bed.
Tears rolled down my cheeks and my neck.
"Hanamichi-kun...".
"Without Kaede... I'm losing my mind... Please don't leave me alone,
I've been so left behind...".
Your coarse whispers streamed into my mind.
"Please...".
My flowing tears were dried by your kisses.
*****
In bed, right now I hold your naked body tighter in my arms, feeling the
coarse sensation clinging to me. Your skin is full of scars. Even
seeing you sometimes topless or straight naked in the locker room, I
never realized how many you had, contrasting to the skin that Hisashi
said, it was smoother than silk and satin together.
Your skin is so coarse like my voice that never dares to shout out the
pain I barely realized that my heart has impaled so deep. I stabbed
myself mentally and heartily every time we embraced and kissed, every
time I heard you talking of how much you've come to love me.
Because I knew, deep inside, it was a lie.
I don't remember since when exactly, we became lovers. Not really since
the night we tried to recall in each other the things we lost. But we
avoided each other for days, weeks, months, after that. When we re-met,
then I think it started.
Nor even Ayako-chan knew of us. The only one who learned of our
relationship was, ironically, the oh-so-clueless Haruko-chan, as she
found in your house my silver pendant - the one I was given in my
graduation. She directly asked why it was there, I felt like I could
tell her then, and she swore secrecy. I know she has kept her promise,
and she will until the end of times.
But whatever we had, was not love.
I had in me the longing of the scarred man who made me cry, laugh and
feel alive with his dazzling 3-pointers and his confidence. You had
sticked to your skin, Hanamichi-kun, the longing for the apparently cold
foxy-eyed boy who denied to express and give himself to anyone until the
end.
Even then we pretended that we never knew it, and let the time pass over
us. Leaves fell in Fall, snow fell down in Winter, sakura petals in
Spring and sun warmed us up in summer. Meanwhile we never dared to
uncover the lies and prefered to cover them up with the silent support
in our days and the nights when we left our bodies float in a painful
passion.
We both tried to unleash a dream no one ever had seen, but instead, we
lost ourselves in falseness and self compassion. And I only realize it
now, Hanamichi-kun, laying naked by you on your bed, my cheek against
your powerful shoulder...
****
My body is lean and flexible. Yours is muscled and strong. Just like
his'. Even in your body I unconsciously searched for the one who left
so soon. Counting your scars, timidly kissing your neck, letting your
lips touch my body to make me writhe in a pleasure that would saciate me
until next night. It never was the same but who cared back then?
Now I do care, as your sleeping form glows with sadness and loneliness.
Forgive me Hanamichi-kun. Forgive me for being so blind to you.
I wanted to make you think you'd reach with me the happiness Kaede
denied you. But I made you my puppet to forget Hisashi. He appears
everywhere for a moment, then flies away, and leaves the longing
stabbing me in the chest. Later when you come to me I try to make up
with a smile.
"Megane-kun, you seem to be a little gone again. Why don't you...?".
Then I would try to give the smile that used to be lively, and now is
only a shadow of what it was.
You see, now I recall our time together, and it's hard to believe you've
changed so much. You still sometimes fool around, laugh goofily,
headbutt your friends and call yourself the 'Tensai'. And now I see
that's a mask hiding your despair of seeing yourself so far of him.
Being there for you? No, no! I wasn't really there for you, but for
me! And not really for me, but for the hidden side of me, so selfish
and tortured, for the part everyone hides deep within. The side of me
that selfishly clings to Hisashi's memory, for the past... for... I
dunno what else it clings for.
I never wanted to admit I was so selfish and cruel to you,
Hanamichi-kun. I encouraged you to keep on with the vain feeling wer
tried to call 'love' when its name was 'selfishness'. It's true, it
could've become love, but we never dared to throw the cards, but we were
too afraid to discover the card 'Death' was in between.
****
Am I nuts? Am I so desperate that I'm taking the fattest chance?
I'm faraway so close.
Soul's a billion year far of yours, body's still in your arms.
Tonight is a night of realization. Tonight I just can't anymore.
Slowly, very carefully, I disengage myself of your arms encircling me.
I slip outta the bedclothes get up like in slow camera, trying not to
wake you up.
I take my clothes and get dressed. My glasses follow. Now fully
clothed... where are my sneakers? Ah yes. They're down on the hall by
the guest's slippers.
My bag's in my hands, I'm ready.
I, Kogure Kiminobu, know clearly I'm running away, but what can I do?
Staying here would only make the torture longer. Others would call this
'cowardness', but I want this time, to call it love.
Yes, Hanamichi-kun. Love.
My last act of love for you. I can't prolonge your agony anymore.
Let's cut it off right now before I decide to shut up my conscience
again. And whenever I look into your puppy eyes, I do like that. I
forget I'm not the one called to ease your pain, nor are you the one
to ease mine.
You see, it's easier. I have no courage to even be your executioner.
After all, despite the kisses and the cuddling, despite the nights and
the days, we never were in love, but called love to something it doesn't
deserve even the name.
I need to be with and by myself. So don't call me, please. Maybe
you'll understand and won't try to find me. There are times when
persons don't want to be found, and this is one of them.
I sadly smile as I get out of the room and quietly go to the hall. I
put on my sneakers and walk outside your house, the one I won't be back.
It's cold outside.
But the coldness of the night, can't compare to the coldness in my
heart.
I sigh realizing this, and go away.
Good-bye Hanamichi-kun.
Good bye.
Maybe forever.
***
END
(*) About Micchy's funeral: I investigated and found in the page of a
Japanese-American, very talented fanartist (Virgo might know ;) that
this is the ritual of Buddhist funeral, the most traditional in Japan.
Basically, the corpse is put in a coffin, and his loved ones put inside
mum flowers. After it, a monk reads a scripture to guide the person's
spirit to the Underworld. Later, the coffin is cremated in a proper
furnace, and the person whom the deceased loved the most (in this case
Kogure) turns on the furnace.
(**) I know it!! Rukawa was left as a major bastard here!! I feel
like I've been portrayed him, in my RuHana fics, too nice to be real.
It was a bestseller, I recognize, but it bored me at this point. I'll
make up later with a mushy RuHana, truce!!
(***) Borrowed from the song "Miyako Wasure" (Forget the City),
performed by GLAY.
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