What Is Single
Greg Woods
I get the impression that most of the things discussed here recently
have little to do with being "single", as I define the term, and have more
to do with coping with and maintaining a love relationship. These topics
belong in net.social, but certainly not here. People involved with a love
relationship may be, in some cases, legally single, but certainly their
lifestyle more closely resembles married people's than it does mine, or
anyone else who is really SINGLE. Topics appropriate for "single" people
are how to cope with/enjoy life *without* a love relationship, or possibly how
to go about finding same. Finances in a relationship and ex-lovers of lovers
have nothing to do with either of these things.
Am I way out in left field here, or does anyone else feel the same way I do?
If so, *post* a supporting reply. No one is going to listen to me alone.
Secondly, if the general consensus is against me, how about creating a
net.singles.only? I.e. somewhere where I can post an article of the form
"I'm lonely and what can I do about it" and not have the majority of answers
come from people telling me how easy it was for *them* to find a girlfriend.
Even worse is the women who like to tell me how wonderful their boyfriend is.
That's not the kind of discussion I want to see. I would like a place where
I can find emotional support, sympathy and/or helpful suggestions from people
whose lives are similar to mine, not listen to answers from people who I feel
really can't relate to my situation.
Greg "really single" Woods
P.S. I am not attempting to put down those who have a relationship going. I
*do* think ex-lovers of lovers, and other recent topics in net.singles, are
worthwhile topics, and I *do* read net.social as well. I just don't think
they belong in net.SINGLES.
P.P.S. Sorry about this, but Cindy Paloma, would you please send me your
mail address again? I edited your letter to me while answering it, and in
the process stupidly deleted the return address.
G.
--
{ucbvax!hplabs | allegra!nbires | decvax!brl-bmd | harpo!seismo | ihnp4!kpno}
!hao!woods
Neal Weidenhofer
Greg, I'm sorry but I don't agree for a number of reasons:
A love relationship (or lack of one) is a very big thing in
anyone's life--especially, it seems, singles. I enjoy reading about
other people's relationships to the extent that they are willing to
share.
A closely related point is that a love relationship is a very
different thing for a single person than it is if you're married. I've
tried both (I don't know whether you have or not). I think your
statement:
>...People involved with a love
>relationship may be, in some cases, legally single, but certainly their
>lifestyle more closely resembles married people's than it does mine, or
>anyone else who is really SINGLE.
is totally incorrect (no flame intended).
When people tell you how easy it is to find a girlfriend, I think
they are trying to answer your question about what to do about being
lonely--it IS incredibly easy--and nearly impossible to tell anyone how
to do. I met my most recent girlfriend behind the desk at a library when
I went in to check out some books, would that work for you? it probably
wouldn't have worked for me if there had been someone else working the
desk that day.
I'm sure you've heard all of the standard advice a hundred times
"Be yourself", "Do the things that you like to do--if you don't like X
then someone you meet at X is not likely to be a good match: X in {bars,
baseball games, museums, artgalleries, ...}", "Keep your eyes open &
pay attention to people", etc., etc., etc. It DOES work and there really
isn't much more that one person can say that would apply to anyone else.
The main thing for me, incidentally, was finding out that it was
possible for me. Hearing lots of people tell me how easy it was was
painful but helpful in that way.
I really would like to see more of the types of articles that you
were asking for, however. How about sharing some of your experiences?
I'd also be willing to see subgroups formed. It's probably not
necessary though, there's only been < 100 articles on this one.
I apologize if anything I said sounded like a flame--I'd like to
see a dialogue on this--maybe I'M the one that's off base.
Regards,
Neal Weidenhofer
Denelcor, Inc.
<hao|csu-cs|brl-bmd>!denelcor!neal
bban...@sjuvax.uucp
I enjoyed the (original) article that this is a followup to.
I, being "truly single", thought that I was the only one in this
exalted condition around. I suppose misery loves company.
Anyhow, some background if I may. My last relationship ended
amicably well over a year ago. Since then, I haven't entered
another one due to a combination of choice and circumstances.
The circumstances are that I simply don't have the opportunity
to meet people easily. Another followup to the original article
states that (this person) met their current girlfriend at the
checkout counter of a library. I hardly think this is the norm.
Consider the following scenario :
You walk up to someone you're attracted to, and say
"Hi, I'd really like to get to know you better. What
are you doing Friday evening."
Depending on her vocabulary, upbringing etc. You get one of the
following replies.
a) Go away or I'll call security (or police or whatever).
b) Get Lost!
c) F*ck off, turkey!!!
Not very encouraging! Some readers on the net may state that this
would never occur if they were approached in similar fashion.
Perhaps! Maybe its just that I'm an ugly b*st*rd :-)
No! The way to meet women (or anyone for that matter) is through
mutual friends. That's partially my problem. Since I moved here
I left my friends, support circle, etc. behind. My colleagues (sp?)
at work are all middle aged, married and live in suburbia. The
department I work for doesn't have a graduate program. And I'm
definitely not going to ask my students out. So it's a case of
having neither the chicken, nor the egg and craving omelette.
The choice part is a bit more involved. Presently I don't
feel secure enough to invest the tremendous quantities of time
and effort that must be put into a successful relationship.
Although my last relationship ended without rancour, a couple
of previous ones didn't. Getting raked over the coals tends to
make one gun-shy. Although I'm constitutionally unable to bear
anyone ill will, I have made it a point to avoid those two ex-s
since. I have had the opportunity to have some meaningless
encounters, and have sorely been tempted. However I'm just square
enough to find the concept of casual sex distasteful.
So how do you live with your "really single" status? I don't know.
These are the (admittedly imperfect) ways that I handle it.
Become a workaholic. This has the advantage of self-satisfaction
in the performance of your job, possible career advancement, etc.
However it isn't much fun! I'm sure if the people who knew me during
High School, Undergraduate School etc. could see me now, they'd be
totally amazed at the transformation. ( By nature I'm a lazy layabout.
My greatest regret is not having had the foresight to be born wealthy.)
Take up some hobbies that you enjoy, can be done alone, and has no
connection whatsoever with your work. Cooking (no snickering! I eat
my own cooking and enjoy it.) and Bicycle riding provide this outlet
for me. Take up a sport if you can ( Pocket billiards not acceptable),
preferably one that takes you outdoors. Working up a sweat does a
great deal when you wish to suppress an overactive libido. Don't
be afraid to do things or go places on your own. I take myself to
the movies quite frequently. It's not as enjoyable as it might have
been with a date, but it beats sitting at home watching syndicated
reruns of "Taxi". I even cruise malls at times -- not looking for
a pick up; but just to convince myself that the human species exists.
(Though the people you see at malls sometimes make you wonder).
All this helps, but doesn't solve the problem. I still get awfully
lonely at times... and yes, in case you're wondering, I did spend
Thanksgiving hunched over a terminal reading the net and playing
rogue.
I think this is already too long. Usually I'm far more pithy.
In conclusion, I'd like to quote a friend who was also
"truly single" when he said this :
"Sometimes, I get very lonely, but I can handle it.
Sometimes, I get very h*rny, but I can handle it.
It's the times when I get both lonely and h*rny that
I can't handle."
Regards,
Binayak "also really single" Banerjee
--
Binayak Banerjee
{astrovax | bpa | burdvax}!sjuvax!bbanerje
Sargent
of those of us who are unmarried, un-posslq'ed, and unattached. I have read
the existing articles with MILD interest (I do have some interest in learning
about a) how humans operate [I'm not always sure how to act human], b) how I
might handle situations I might be in EVENTUALLY). But articles about those
who are in relationships (including marriage) don't touch on my burning
issues, like:
I discovered recently that deep in myself, I honestly did not believe that I
was attractive, despite my rational knowledge that I have quite a bit going
for me which could attract a woman. I dealt with (got rid of) this false gut
feeling of unattractiveness (by lots of prayer, but this isn't net.religion).
Now what do I do? Seriously. Inasmuch as I seek for a relationship that is
also a good friendship, I tend to be very picky (possibly too much so, out of
fear of getting involved with a) a loser, b) someone who will eventually
reject me maximally [this is a leftover of my parents' divorce]). Most of the
single women I know, I don't think I'd want to date. Those whom I, on serious
consideration, think I might want to date, either have already turned me down
or have been snapped up by another man with similarly good taste. Being
associated not only with a university but also with a campus church, most of
the women I know have lived several fewer years than my 28; one of them
recently cited the age difference as a reason for turning me down. Thus I
feel cut off from almost all the women I know. What do I do to get a fresh
supply? I hate to, for instance, switch to a different church with what
appears to me to be a mercenary attitude (going there not primarily for
spiritual reasons, but to use it as a means of meeting women)--not to mention
that most churches seem to be "family" churches, singles being the invisible,
forgotten ones (that's another topic, and a good one worthy of discussion,
but not my main point). Also, I have no intention of going to a local bar or
two with reputations as "meat markets"; I'm not looking for meat, and I really
don't enjoy bars (and I've recently noticed that even small amounts of alcohol
tend to give me headaches).
So my question is really the basic, fundamental one: Now that I believe I can
attract women, how do I go about finding one I would want to attract?
-- Jeff Sargent/...pur-ee!pucc-h:aeq
(I'm not sure about that path address since we went to 4.1c; perhaps you'd
better post responses rather than mail them--anyway, that will give similar
but less outspoken sufferers access to the same info.)
jo...@felix.uucp
I will risk my net.neck and state that I do not agree with Greg Woods and
Jeff Sargent, and I think that many of the disputed discussions *are*
relevant here. Perhaps I do misunderstand the original charter of
net.singles, but it does not seem to me that it must be dedicated to people
who have no "significant other" and possibly want one. If you want
a group to discuss the such woes, lets move it to net.lonely (cheap shot?).
Single people are different from "alone people" and from "married people".
I am single, often, but not always alone. I happen to enjoy such
discussions as "how to deal with your lover's ex", and I consider it a
relevant subject to many *single* people (and in some cases married ones too).
I guess it's a matter of personal interest.
I am also sympathetic to the anxiety of being alone and not wanting it that
way. Fortunately at the moment I am not alone, but one never knows how
long that will last. However, I suggest you don't brush off comments
by married folks, or comments about married life, especially the positive
ones. Many of these people feel that their situation is a successful
achievement, and are willing to share the "secrets" of their success; they
do not just rub it in. In some cases these people have achieved what some
of us are still looking for. It's hard to argue with success. There is
some good advice here, even though it may not be THE ANSWER.
Which brings me to ... THE ANSWER. I have never found that there is any
one magic secret (anyone out there disagree? If so, let's here it!!).
The best possible single piece of tangible advice I can offer is to
always keep a positive attitude (not what you are looking for, huh?)
about yourself, and about relationships. Feel positive. I know that
when I feel lonely for companionship, the longer it goes, I fell less
confidence and self esteem. It sometimes caves in on me. And that
feels plenty *bad*. And it shows. Most people are more attracted
to happy positive people anyway. May sound trite, but ...
For a good place to meet MOTAS, my favorite is continuing education
classes at my local Junior College. I took ceramics for a few semesters,
no major requirements, and lots of socializing. Friends and parties
are another good source. But we all know this already, right? The bottom
line is, no matter where you are, the approach is usually difficult. But
where you are may provide a "better selection".
Getting back to my original statements, I enjoy the cross section of
discussions here, and vote that net.singles be concerned with the single
(unmarried) lifestyle, not just about what is is like to be alone, and
how to overcome it.
There is more to being single than finding your MOTAS.
If you want expert advice, pay an expert.
John Gilbert
...!trw-unix!felix!john
ba...@umcp-cs.uucp
marry to be happy, or to have a fulfilled life, etc. (A woman without
a man ...) Yet, is anyone out there a permanent, HAPPY bachelor (Or
the female equivilent)? How will you feel when you are 50, or 70?
On the one hand, I don't wish to make getting married my life
ambition. But, when I think of NOT being married (or the equivilent)
years from now, well, I don't think I'd be happy. I'd feel I was
missing something. I think I have a deep inside predjudice about this -
I can't help feeling that 50 year old bachelors have something wrong
with them (this goes for both men and women). Anyone out there have
any thoughts on this?
I'll add logs too,
- rene
--
"Peoles have feeelings, too"
Arpa: rene.umcp-cs@CSNet-relay
Uucp:...{allegra,seismo}!umcp-cs!rene
Carl Yaffey
42 - close enough? I'm VERY happy being single for all the reasons
listed here over and over again. Primarily the incredible freedom
and the exciting, varied experiences. I'm not against marriage
or heavy relationships - just very content with my life at the present.
Yes, I have a relationship going currently. I hang around a LOT of
single people of ALL ages (teens to 80's) and find a large variety
of opinions about single life. It's fair to say that being "old" and
still single (or single again) is not automatically bad. I find
it interesting that you feel there is "something wrong" with a
50-year old batchelor! I admit I chuckled and thought, "just wait,
just wait!". I find it very satisfying to be where I am with what I
know - and I'm even healthy, too! It would be very interesting to
know how you feel x years from now when YOU are 50 - married or not.
Have a happy life.
--
Carl Yaffey
AT&T Bell Laboratories
Room 1H143
6200 E. Broad St.
Columbus, Ohio 43213
614-860-3399
cbosgd!cbdkc1!cly
Sargent
I don't think I ever said that net.singles should be RESTRICTED to dealing
with the difficulties of those of us presently unattached. Greg Woods went
farther than I did. However, I do agree with Greg that those of us who were
already feeling left out were made to feel even more left out by the well-
attached (complacent?) netters who apparently either never knew or had long
forgotten what it was like to be involuntarily unattached for a long time.
However, I'm no longer worrying about WHETHER I will find myself significantly
othered, just WHEN. The psychotherapeutical value of prayer is truly amazing;
it enabled me to come to a belief that I will, for certain, eventually enter
into a relationship (more than friendship) with a woman. Now all I need is
patience....
-- Jeff Sargent/...pur-ee!pucc-h:aeq
Tom Blenko
However, I'm no longer worrying about WHETHER I will find
myself significantly othered, just WHEN. The
psychotherapeutical value of prayer is truly amazing; it
enabled me to come to a belief that I will, for certain,
eventually enter into a relationship (more than friendship)
with a woman. Now all I need is patience....
Now all you need is the woman! :-)