ccccotmc--results (long)

[R Robertson + R McGuire]

Well, the 'Crucify a Cute Commercial Character Of The Month Club' February
election is now over. The winners were, of course,

SSSSS M M U U RRRRRR FFFFFFF SSSSS
S S MM MM U U R R F S S
S M M M M U U R R F S
SSSSS M M M U U RRRRRR FFFF SSSSS
S M M U U R R F S
S S M M U U R R F S S
SSSSS M M UUUUU R R F SSSSS !

For those of you that are interested, here's how the voting went.
The first column is obviously the character's name. The second is the net
number of votes that the character got (use this for figuring standings).
right after the net votes are the notes (if any). In the parentheses (if
there) contain the following info: ('# of crucify votes' -'# of save votes'
(1/2) +('# of catagorical crucify votes'-'half the # of catagorical save votes')
(weight) ). For example Garfield got 58 kill votes, 63 save votes, part of 4
kill-all-cats votes and part of one save-all-cats vote for a grand total of
27 1/6 votes.

Smurfs 63
Garfield 27 1/6 *@% (58 -63(1/2) +(4-1/2)(1/3) )
the IBM Charlie Chaplin 24
Cabbage Patch Kids 21
Banner Toilet Paper Roll9 ~ (8 +(1) )
Purina Cat Chow Lady 7
Strawberry Shortcake 6
Pillsbury Doughboy 4
Snuggles talking bear 3
Monchichi 3
Brooke Shields 3
E.T. 3
Shirttails 2
Care Bears 2
Mrs. Butterworth 2
Conrad 2
Mr. Hall from the
Wintario lottery 2
Mr. Whipple 2
Morris 1 2/3 *@% (1 -(1/2) +(4-1/2)(1/3) )
Crazee Eddie 1
Boy George 1
Michael Jackson 1
Mr. T 1
Opus 1
Mickey Mouse 1
Bounty Lady 1
PacMan 1
Biskits 1
Jack-in-the-Box Man 1
Pringles Kids 1
Miss Piggy 1
Campbell's Soup Kids 1
Gumby 1
Quantis Koalah 1
Road Runner 1
Olympia Beer Artesians 1
Any 'Mc' talker 1
Elves (eg Keebler) 1/2 * (1 -(1/2) )
Bill The Cat 1/6 *@% (1 -4(1/2) +(4-1/2)(1/3) )
The Wendy's 'Where's
the Beef?' lady -1/2 * (0 -(1/2) )

-----------------------------------
notes

* 'save' votes.
% kill all cats.
@ save all cats.
~ kill inanimate objects

The best prize for the winners, so far, is...

>
> ...We fashioned a noose out of
>a used mandolin string, and a gallows from available branches. We then
>constructed a pyre of flowers of sulfur, HTH pool shock treatment (a
>powerful oxidant -- like saltpeter [it's calcium hypochlorite]), and
>magnesium shavings. Then a "fuse" delay was built with sterno, and
>the end of this was ignited. Soon a red flame shot up, and the
>smurf's body began to distend in the intense heat (this mixture melts
>glass in 100 seconds), and then ran through the noose. The hot, melted,
>burning plastic hit the oxidizing flames and boiled with unbelievably
>complex chemical activity. Then the furiously burning mess ran slowly
>down the hill. We then applied the other condiments we had brought
>along: Xerox toner fluid (foom!), 10X confectioners' sugar (swish,
>sizzle, nice smell), activated charcoal (fom!), sodium nitrate (bam!),
>potassium iodate (zap! purple smoke). This is great fun. We plan
>to do it again next year...
>
> --Spam (rhymes with Bam)
> ..!seismo!umcp-cs!eneevax!spam
>

As far as what we, as concerned members of the ccccotmc, can do, here
are a few guidelines. First, if you see a Smurf in a department store, for
example, just ignore it; it's not really there since it's dead, and there's
no such things as ghosts. Second, if you know of anyone who just loves those
little blue things, shun them as you would any necrophiliac. Always refer
to Smurfs in the past tense as they are no longer with us. Think of their
Saturday morning cartoon as a historical show rather than a current-events
show, because there are no longer any Smurfs around to hire as actors. If
you see an oversized Smurf walking around a shopping mall or the such, know
it or what it is--an imposter.

Barring spontaneous generation, raising of the dead, or freak genetic
mutation, we should be rid of those blue midgets once and for all.

NEXT MONTH...
From the steady stream of anti-Smurf votes I received in February it
looks as though the Smurfs would win again in March; then I'd have to go
out the little grave, dig up one of them, and crucify the stinkin' little
thing all over. Instead let's have a contest to see who can come up with
the most creative torture/death for a Smurf. I'll take suggestions all
through March, post a few of the better ones, take votes on those, and
summarize at the beginning of April. If I have the necessary equipmant
to carry out the best execution in early April, I will. (I still have one
or two of the little beasties locked up in a deep dark dungeon, kept
barely alive on bread and water.) So send in your Smurf-killing suggestions.

Ryan McGuire
(the rm of rrrm)

P.S. If you see an un-crucified Smurf, step on it.