Dogs ...No Way
Malcolm Tippett
I wrote this for my wife's Obedience dog club (HA!) magazine ...I thought
I would share the hell of dog owning with a wider section of humanity .
Pity me , for I have suffered (and still suffer) from dogs.
DOGS ... NO WAY!
You saw it today , the most BEE-UU-TEE-FUL puppy . It has melting brown
eyes , soft fur that is a delight to touch and the lickingest little
pink tongue. Visions of yourself and man's best friend appear before your
eyes ... sharing cosy evenings in front of the fire , romping through
sunny fields , playing ball .... Ah! the companionship , the loyalty...
Well do I have news for you .... FORGET IT !!!!!!
A puppy's appealing looks are camouflage for a weapon of destruction that
can only be described as a slow-release natural (or unnatural) disaster.
Quite apart from the puddles and poops on the carpet , you have to
consider that puppies have TWO ends , and the chewing end should come
with hazard warnings. WORSE .. the puppy grows BIGGER and the capacity
for destruction quadruples as the size doubles.
Before we get to the the really bad bits , think what is involved with
a pet dog
..Feeding (dogs are walking garbage disposals) , vet bills (there is no
such thing as a healthy dog) , being tied down (who feeds the dog when
you are on holiday?) , having to go walkies in blizzard conditions when
you have the flu and a broken leg, spending thousands of dollars on
fencing the section and buying kennels etc. "Ah yes !" you say , "But the
return in love and loyalty outweighs the disadvantages ." Well again I
have news for you , THIS IS NOT TRUE. For those of you who know what a
BBS is (a computerised Bulletin Board for posting messages ) I started
the ball rolling by complaining on a BBS of the damage caused by HER
(better halfs') Belgian Shepherd (Turvuren) ..I found from the replies
that we had gotten off relatively lightly.
So what terrible things led me to express opinions of detestation and
loathing for things canine ??
The first thing was the FUR .. all over my clothes , the floor , the
furniture. No matter how often you brushed/vacuumed the fur came back
(yes the cats contributed as well).
The second thing was how quickly the house got DIRTY with wet dogs in it .
Dogs don't come through doorways , they -slide- around the door-post ,
and leave wet muddy patches when they do .. the pale yellow carpet turns
brown from muddy feet and your clothes get wet and filthy from dogs being
overly affectionate and bouncing at you.
The third thing was the TORN lino in the kitchen , new puppy found it
great fun to tear strips of lino off the floor .. first you scrabble
like crazy with your claws to start a tear , and then you use teeth to
tear off a lovely strip of lino to chew . We are still too scared to
replace the lino as the next puppy will probably do the same . I
suggested we did the kitchen floor in stainless steel , SHE thought I was
joking. (I did say that the dogs are HERS' not mine didn't I ?).
The fourth thing (and the worst) was the DESTRUCTION of the bottom
layers of the books in the hall bookshelves ... amongst the
destruction lay the pitiful remains of my one and only school prize.
The fifth thing was the HOLES in the lawn , SHE only got upset when
they turned into holes in HER garden.
The sixth thing was the overzealous guard-dog instinct , BARKING at
shadows at three o'clock in the morning , yet when my car was
burglarised outside our house DEAFENING SILENCE .
The seventh thing is where the dog PUTS it's cold wet NOSE ... especially
when you have just had a hot shower.
The eighth thing .. dog was out visiting friends with HER . Dog was
inside, but being the contrary type animal he is , dog saw outside and
thought it far more inviting. At high speed dog headed for the
outside...only there was a glass RanchSlider door (closed) between dog
and outside . The dog survived but the door didn't. (Definition of DOOR
... something the pet dog is always on the wrong side of.)
There are other things , like how much time SHE spends with the dogs
instead of attending to her poor husband's emotional needs (snivel) but
we won't go into that.
After all the above I said we got off relatively lightly ????????
I shall relate some of the horror stories I got in reply.
There was the poor chap who visited his cousin , cousin has a BIG
Rottweiler which plays by swinging truck tyres around and fetches a
large length of four by two timber. Well poor chap got between Rotty and
cousin while Rotty had said hunk of four by two in mouth (after doing a
quick retrieve) . Quickest way back to cousin was through chappies legs
...... need I say more???????
Same dog also tugged the bit of cloth poor chappy was accidentally standing
on .. Rotty was so strong , unfortunate chap was thrown head-over-heels.
While on the subject of Rottweilers ... I saw a rough , tough ,
patch-wearing , 6 foot gang member being taken for a walk by a Rotty (I
didn't dare laugh though).
Now for the good bit .... the Destroyer Doberman from Hell.... if this
doesn't put you off dogs then nothing will. I shall quote it to you as
it came to me . "Right , what our female dobie has done: Ate the lino in
the laundry, likes eating the sofa but for some reason leaves the lazyboy
alone, digs holes all over the lawn, digs up small trees and the moves
them to a different area in the yard (without chewing them) , takes
underpants and socks from the bedroom and takes them outside (again, she
doesn't chew them, just shifts them), eats the rugs - both underneath and
top sides, chews wires (we leave the power off when we go out), chews the
sides of plastic dog bowls, removes the collars and flea collars off our
other dogs and chews them , (she slips them off over their heads), eats
floorboards, drinks water out of the toilet bowl."
In another message the saga continued
"Yep, and the waterbed bladder, and some of our ex-boarders son's toys', and
some of XXX's undies and a couple of bras and some socks, and a
sweatshirt, and the video remote control, and my plants, and cigarette
butts and whole packs of cigarettes." End of quote.
A reply came from another Dobie owner about her dogs chewing habits ..
again I will quote it as received. (With slight censorship )
"The chewing on stuff ain't too hot, Dobies seem to be renowned for it,
and after three separate occasions of swallowing objects mine developed
peritonitus and that is/was horrible, the third time we couldn't afford
the $1500.00 and so she was put down."
From another message the following quote ....
"Our dogs have chewed the dining room chairs,slightly ripped our ex-boarder's
sofa (only a little bit though), ate the lino in the bathroom, scratched
the bath, dug up half the lawn (who needs grass anyway - you only have to
mow it!), tried digging under the house numerous times, tried digging
under a couple of fences numerous times, peed on about $150.00 worth of
plants in the back yard and killed them, tried eating the weatherboards
on the house, ate some of our ex-car's carpet............. "
NOW DO YOU BELIEVE ME ????
YOU DON'T WANT A DOG !!!!
Get a pet shark for the swimming pool instead.
PS SHE/HER is the dog's mother .... before you get all upset at my sexist
attitude , I love my wife (the only reason I put up with the dogs) and
when we write each other notes , I sign as HIM and my wife signs as HER.
Malcolm .Tip...@welcom.gen.nz
David Craig
Malcolm Tippett wrote:
>
> I wrote this for my wife's Obedience dog club (HA!) magazine ...I thought
> I would share the hell of dog owning with a wider section of humanity .
> Pity me , for I have suffered (and still suffer) from dogs.
>
> DOGS ... NO WAY!
< SNIP stuff about dogs chewing things... >
The worst dog for chewing that I ever encountered was a bull terrier who chewed through a motorcycle
helmet. Yes ... I was mine, and no, the dog never paid for it. ( except maybe a swift kick where it
would have hurt any other living creature ;^)
> NOW DO YOU BELIEVE ME ????
Absolutely.
> YOU DON'T WANT A DOG !!!!
Yes I do, I adopted an adult dog whose previous person had moved into a flat. This dog will not put
anything into her mouth unless she _knows_ that she can digest it. Won't play fetch. Won't play
tug-o-war. Doesn't chew furniture, books, lino, helmets etc.
> Get a pet shark for the swimming pool instead.
da doomp dumpdumpdump (jaws music)
Christopher Fobbs
get a cat-- you don't have to get up six in the morning to walk em
Christopher Fobbs
get a cat-- you don't have to get up six in the morning to walk em
CHRISTOPHER FOBBS WVL...@prodigy.com
Peter BARLIN
In article <8378...@welcom.gen.nz>, malcolm...@welcom.gen.nz (Malcolm Tippett) writes:
> I wrote this for my wife's Obedience dog club (HA!) magazine ...I thought
> I would share the hell of dog owning with a wider section of humanity .
> Pity me , for I have suffered (and still suffer) from dogs.
>
>
> DOGS ... NO WAY!
>
> You saw it today , the most BEE-UU-TEE-FUL puppy . It has melting brown
> eyes , soft fur that is a delight to touch and the lickingest little
> pink tongue. Visions of yourself and man's best friend appear before your
> eyes ... sharing cosy evenings in front of the fire , romping through
> they turned into holes in HER garden.
> The sixth thing was the overzealous guard-dog instinct , BARKING at
> shadows at three o'clock in the morning , yet when my car was
> burglarised outside our house DEAFENING SILENCE .
> The seventh thing is where the dog PUTS it's cold wet NOSE ... especially
> when you have just had a hot shower.
> The eighth thing .. dog was out visiting friends with HER . Dog was
> inside, but being the contrary type animal he is , dog saw outside and
> on the house, ate some of our ex-car's carpet............. "
>
> NOW DO YOU BELIEVE ME ????
> YOU DON'T WANT A DOG !!!!
> Get a pet shark for the swimming pool instead.
>
>
> PS SHE/HER is the dog's mother .... before you get all upset at my sexist
> attitude , I love my wife (the only reason I put up with the dogs) and
> when we write each other notes , I sign as HIM and my wife signs as HER.
>
> Malcolm .Tip...@welcom.gen.nz
I get the strangest feeling he has no liking for dog!.don't know
how I come to that conclusion,maybe I'm psycho.!!!!
here's one to console you.
Little Johnny was waiting at the front gate for his dad,with a
tear in his eye.He couldn't wait to tell him that his new puppy had
died..There it was,on it's back,legs in the air ,stone dead.
"It's gone to heaven," consoled his dad. "Don't worry. I'll buy you
another one."
A week later little Johnny was waiting at the front gate for his
dad again.
"Gee dad," he said,"we nearly lost mum today.When I came home she
was lying on her back,legs in the air calling out"Gawd,I'm coming"
and if it wasn't for Uncle Fred holding her down we could have
lost her ."