Cheif Bridesmaid needs help! (LONG)
Jenny
As an unmarried woman who lives with her partner, I dont know much
about weddings..so i need some help!
My Best friend..who ive known for only a short while has asked me to
be her cheif bridesmaid..along with her fiancees sister and my 4 yr
old daughter. I was thrilled at this..but after a few trips out
looking for bridesmaid dresses I am beginning to wish this wedding
wasnt happening. My firiend, whos a size 8..told me she had found the
perfect bridesmaid dresses and that they were THE ones. I was very
excited and went to the store to take a look. The dress did look
fabulous on my friend and her other bridesmaid (about a zize 10), but
when I tried on a version in my size (size 26) it looked awful. I
could see how disapointed my friend was..but she said that we would go
an look for something else. Well after trying on lots of dresses in
lots of shops..I found a lovely dress that really flatters my shape
and size. Howerver it is only available up too a size 24 and has to be
specially made in my size. The dress is £100..but with the alterations
I will need it will cos an extra £70. The dresses that my friend loved
cost £175 each so in fact she will be saving £80..even though my dress
will have to be specially made.
We came out of the shop and I was excited that we had actually found a
dress that I liked. Then my friend started saying how she didnt want
to pay an extra £70 for my dress and that she wanted the other ones. I
pointed out to her that actually she would be saving money..but she
said the other dresses complimented her dress perfectly and would I
mind if she ordered the other.
Well actually I would mind..but I dont know what to do. I have already
booked my make up, nails, hair and bought jewlery which is going to
cost me £80..whichI dont mind paying..but I resent paying it if I am
going to be forced to wear a dress which is awful on me. My friend
insists that the bridesmaid dresses have to be identical..even though
me and her other bridesmaid are such different shapes. I have
sugessted that she orders similar dresses with adjustments for each
body type..but she says thats not an option. My 4 yr old daughter
looks an angel in every dress we have tried her in..so she is not a
problem.
What do I do? I really feel like telling my friend to forget having me
as a bridesmaid..but I dont want to hurt her. I dont thing she
realised how difficult and more expensive it can be finding clothes in
plus sizes..with her being used to wearing what ever she chooses...
Pleae help..I dont want to lose my friend..but I dont want to look a
fool on her big day either...
Jen
Liz
Donna <notare...@spamproof.com> wrote in message
news:#KK4uUaa$GA.264@cpmsnbbsa03...
> x-no-archive: yes
>
> Jenny, I empathize with what you are feeling, believe me. I have been a
> bridesmaid 9 times. I totally understand how you feel, I've been where
you
> are standing, and I appreciate that this is a difficult situation.
Having
> said that...
>
> ... you're being a pain in the ass. I know you feel justified, but you
are
> behaving just terribly.
Whaat? No she isn't. IMHO, the bride in question is not being at all
respectful of her friend's discomfort with the originally chosen dress. The
bride should order the dress she wants and permit her friend (!!) to wear
something she won't feel self-conscious and awful in all day, rather than
insisting they all be identically matched at the expense of her friend's
feelings.
IIRC, the OP is the 'chief' bridesmaid - that makes her of very good or best
friend status - I think a little more sensitivity is required. But that's
just me.
Liz - who doesn't care what the bridesmaids wear, as long as they're there!
Jenny
uncomfortable just to please my friend? Donna I dont think ou fully
understand what a plus size women feels in clothers that make her look
a fright..for one I would ruin my friends pictures! I wamt to be their
for her..but I would NEVER ask a friend, especially my best friend, to
wear something that makes her feel self conscious.
This would be an esy problem to solve if my friend would let go of the
idea of THAT PERFECT bridesmaid dress...even her mother has told her
it does nothing for me.
How do I deal with this..If I decline her offer what is the best way
of doing it..and do I stop my daughter being a bridesmaid too?
I want to be their for her but I am not doing it at the expensive of
my own happinees..I am worth more than that.
Jen
On Fri, 28 Jan 2000 13:47:23 -0500, "Donna"
<notare...@spamproof.com> wrote:
>x-no-archive: yes
>
>You know, *that* solution never occurred to me, which is kind of idiotic, as
>my bridesmaids are all wearing different styles. <thwacks head> I guess
>what I was assuming was that the bride wanted all the maids in the same
>dress, and that was the problem.
>
>You're right, though, Liz -- it would be nice if the bride could allow the
>maids to wear non-identical dresses. Perhaps Jenny could suggest similar
>dresses, and hopefully the bride will be happy with that. That's a terrific
>solution for everyone. (If, however, the bride wants all the girls to
>match, I still say get over the dress problem and focus on being a friend.)
>
>Donna
>
>Liz wrote in message <86shc7$2do$1...@newsmaster.cc.columbia.edu>...
ari...@pepper.eajenkins.earthlink.net
>x-no-archive: yes
>
>You know, *that* solution never occurred to me, which is kind of idiotic, as
>my bridesmaids are all wearing different styles. <thwacks head> I guess
>what I was assuming was that the bride wanted all the maids in the same
>dress, and that was the problem.
>
>You're right, though, Liz -- it would be nice if the bride could allow the
>maids to wear non-identical dresses. Perhaps Jenny could suggest similar
>dresses, and hopefully the bride will be happy with that. That's a terrific
>solution for everyone. (If, however, the bride wants all the girls to
>match, I still say get over the dress problem and focus on being a friend.)
That last piece of advice could apply to the bride, as well.
I find it hard to believe that any bride would seriously want her
friend to pay out big money for a dress the BM didn't like, all in the
name of friendship or matching dresses. There are many compromises
that can be made when it comes to picking out BM dresses. I had a
similar problem of BM's of different sizes who could not agree on one
style, so I chose the color and they chose their own dresses. The
styles varied somewhat, but it wasn't very noticable. Some people
were even surprised when I mentioned the dresses were not alike,
because they hadn't even picked up on that detail!
Ariane
Yarrow01
what the other girls are wearing, and I know how frustrating it is to have thin
friends who just *don't get it*, who have always been able to walk into any
store, and buy any item of clothing they see, and look great in it, and they
just can't fathom that it's not that way for everyone. I can totally relate to
where you're coming from. That having been said, however, the final decision
is always up to the bride. That's just the way it is. *You* may never put a
friend in this uncomfortable situation, but many brides are sticklers on
matching dresses, and if she's one of those then there's ultimately not much
you can do about it. Obviously she's acting in a way that seems unfair to you
and you have your right to feel that way, but if she won't consider any other
dress, and if you truly feel that you'd be humiliated in the one she's chosen,
then the only thing you can do is decline to be a bridesmaid. Perhaps you
could tell her that you really do support her and her upcoming wedding, and
you'd love to do a reading at the ceremony or a toast at the reception, but
just don't feel you can make the commitment to be her honor attendant.
You definitely do have to make a decision here, though: either accept the role
of bridesmaid, and the dress that comes with it, unconditionally, or decline,
and the sooner the better- it wouldn't be cool to drop out right before the
wedding. Good luck!
Kyra
ari...@pepper.eajenkins.earthlink.net
>So your saying that a have to spend the whole day looking and feeling
>uncomfortable just to please my friend? Donna I dont think ou fully
>understand what a plus size women feels in clothers that make her look
>a fright..for one I would ruin my friends pictures! I wamt to be their
>for her..but I would NEVER ask a friend, especially my best friend, to
>wear something that makes her feel self conscious.
>This would be an esy problem to solve if my friend would let go of the
>idea of THAT PERFECT bridesmaid dress...even her mother has told her
>it does nothing for me.
It's a hard decision. In the end, only you can decide how much
you're willing to go through for your friend. If you've tried to
explain how uncomfortable you feel and she still prefers that dress,
you can either bite the bullet and wear it, or bow out gracefully.
But do have a talk with her first. Perhaps the other bridesmaids
might be open to having another style of dress. Or maybe the bride
can be made to understand how badly you feel about being made to wear
the dress. Whatever you do, don't say anything like "If you were
really my friend, you would..." Keep things nonconfrontational.
>How do I deal with this..If I decline her offer what is the best way
>of doing it..and do I stop my daughter being a bridesmaid too?
Why should you do that? I don't think you have to stop your
daughter from being a BM, unless you have other reasons for doing so.
>I want to be their for her but I am not doing it at the expensive of
>my own happinees..I am worth more than that.
I agree it is a tough decision to make. If you feel that you
really can't be a bridesmaid and swallow the cost of a dress you don't
like, maybe you could offer to do something else, like read something
at the ceremony.
Ariane
Mmneely932
look good on us. However, it is her wedding. Very few bridesmaids really like
their dresses. If she's paying for the dress, wear it and be done with it.
Smile, and be happy for her. This isn't meant to sound cruel, but this is her
day, no one is really going to be looking at you, she's the one they're looking
at.
muhl...@aol.com
of standing up for you in something that makes her SO miserable that she
would rather not stand up for you. Personally, I find this attitude of
"my day, my wedding so I can crap all over the people I love" pathetic
one.
--
Melissa to Paul
09/24/00
Los Angeles, CA
In article <20000128235859...@ng-fm1.news.cs.com>,
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
Yarrow01
the bottom line is, it is her ultimately her prerogative to see the bridesmaids
dressed as she sees fit. There is only one course of action open to this
bridesmaid if she truly cannot bring her herself to wear the dress: she must
decline to be an attendant, as nicely as possible and ASAP. It will be the
bride's loss, and the price she will have to pay for her insensitivity.
Kyra
Ron Ng
>uncomfortable just to please my friend?
That's it in a nutshell.
>Donna I dont think ou fully
>understand what a plus size women feels in clothers that make her look
>a fright.
Maybe you should lose some weight then.
Ron Ng Knows!
mgerhauser
am sure that all parties involved can come to an agreement on what to wear
and all be happy.
The bridezilla attitude of "This is my wedding and you have to wear what I
say" has really got to go! Please don't misunderstand me here. If the
bride saw a bridesmaid dress that she loved and the bridesmaids dresses
liked it and were comfortable in it, then go for it. But if the bride picks
a dress and says that's the one - we can't look at anything else, you have
to wear this and that's it ~ when she knows that her best friend is
uncomfortable ~ I would have to say that she is not being a good friend to
her bridesmaid. With an attitude like that, I don't think I would really
want her as a friend in the first place!
When my bridesmaids and I went shopping for gowns I was concerned with two
things:
- Did they like the dress and were they comfortable in them? (this being
a priority.)
- Did I like the dress? (This one being second!)
While it is my wedding day, these friends are doing me the honor of standing
up for me ~ so why should they be miserable? Just so 20 years from now, I
can pull out a book and show people my wedding pictures and won't even
remember that the bridesmaids dresses were slightly different than I had
wanted to begin with!
I think sometimes Brides forget the whole reason for having a wedding in the
first place!
Michelle & Paul
Sept 30th, 2000
<muhl...@aol.com> wrote in message news:86u3pc$hi4$1...@nnrp1.deja.com...
> What kind of friend would you be to put someone who is doing the HONOR
> of standing up for you in something that makes her SO miserable that she
> would rather not stand up for you. Personally, I find this attitude of
> "my day, my wedding so I can crap all over the people I love" pathetic
> one.
>
>
>
> --
> Melissa to Paul
> 09/24/00
> Los Angeles, CA
>
Marie
its the bride's. Grow up and do the right thing. If you're that
uncomfortable, bow out. If she's really your friend, you'll grin and bear
it. You probably look better than you think you do in that dress anyway.
We all have different opinions as to our own appearances...
Jenny <li...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:3890bc4...@News.CIS.DFN.DE...
ILuvUMore2001
>So your saying that a have to spend the whole day looking and feeling
>uncomfortable just to please my friend?
I don't know what to think about what you have said here.... um.. isn't your
friend getting married? Why wouldn't you wnat to honor her wishes on her
wedding day?
If you can't fulfill the role that she had intended then do her a favor and
decline.
You said that you feel uncomfortable... well have you stopped to think that
maybe you are being too hard on yourself and that you really do look good in
the dress that she has picked?
> Donna I dont think ou fully
>understand what a plus size women feels in clothers that make her look
>a fright..for one I would ruin my friends pictures!
You don't know that for sure!
Don't let your insecurities get the better of you or your friendship.
> I wamt to be their
>for her..but I would NEVER ask a friend, especially my best friend, to
>wear something that makes her feel self conscious.
Is it really that bad?
If so, did you mention to her how you feel?
What did she say?
Did she say that you actually look nice in the dress? If she likes you in the
dress then why wouldn't you wear it for her on *her* wedding day? (And for
those that might be offended... yes..the bride and the groom are getting
married so it is essentially *their* wedding day even though we are only
speaking of the bride in question at this time...)
Could it be that maybe... just maybe you really look great in the dress but you
are being to hard on yourself?
>How do I deal with this..If I decline her offer what is the best way
>of doing it..and do I stop my daughter being a bridesmaid too?
Well... this tells me right there that it doesn't really matter what dress you
wear.. it sounds to me as though your heart really isn't in this for your
friend. If not, then why on earth would pulling your daughter have anything to
do with this at all?
>I want to be their for her but I am not doing it at the expensive of
>my own happinees..I am worth more than that.
There you go.. you have your answer.
I wish you nothing but the best.
I hope it all works out for you.
ILuvUMore2001
>Personally, I find this attitude of
>"my day, my wedding so I can crap all over the people I love" pathetic
>one.
>
Personally... this is getting really old.
We are discussing the *bride* right now... we all know that it's the *bride*
and the *groom* that are getting married.
I'm sure we all know that *THEY* are getting married. If we were discussing
the groom I'm sure a lot of us would be saying that it is *his* day and the
bride or other brides would not be offended. But then again... I guess it
would depend on *who* is reading the post.
Angela
*We* are getting married on June 9, 2001. This will be one of *my* most
treasured memories. This will be one of *his* most treasured memories.
*We* are happy about *our* wedding day to come!
:)
ILuvUMore2001
>
>>So your saying that a have to spend the whole day looking and feeling
>>uncomfortable just to please my friend?
>
>That's it in a nutshell.
>
>>Donna I dont think ou fully
>>understand what a plus size women feels in clothers that make her look
>>a fright.
>
>Maybe you should lose some weight then.
>
>
>Ron Ng Knows!
>
>
>
>
>
>
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
I know... i'm being vulgar right now...but I couldn't help it Ron.. you are a
blast to read even when you are blasting in my neighborhood.
I do really apreciate your honesty.
:)
LOLOL
muhl...@aol.com
You really missed the point YET AGAIN. I was not referring to the "my
wedding" vs, "our wedding" arguement. I was speaking about brides
having their friends wearing things that make them miserable all for the
sake of "it's my/our wedding and we can do whatever we want."
Try a little bit less of an emotional response next time and a little
bit more of a selective reading comprehension. The threads on this
newsgroup doesn't revolve around arguements you have participated in.
In article <20000131001442...@ng-fj1.aol.com>,
--
Melissa to Paul
09/24/00
Los Angeles, CA
Z. Santiago
You're saying that's its ok to be a Bridezilla because it's "THEIR" day to
do with what they will and because it's THEIR day, they can still crap all
over "THEIR" bridesmaids (and hell, the groomsmen too if they need more
people to crap on) because no matter how the bridal party feels, it's all
about the Bridezilla, what she wants and likes and what she and her
Groomzilla "envisions".
Psh.
--
...
ILuvUMore2001 <iluvum...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20000131210934...@ng-fg1.aol.com...
>
> It's still that *brides* day and she should get married the way that she
and
> her fiance invisioned it to be. Doesn't matter what you think or what you
> like.. it's about what that particular person wants and likes.
>
> Everybody is different.
>
> So...please lets not miss THAT POINT yet again.
>
> Thank You!
>
> :)
>
> Take Care,
>
> Angela
>
>
>
> >Subject: Re: Cheif Bridesmaid needs help! (LONG)
> >From: muhl...@aol.com
> >Date: 1/31/00 6:13 AM Pacific Standard Time
> >Message-id: <8745ab$i1o$1...@nnrp1.deja.com>
Z. Santiago
Let's put a little more succinctly... we're not talking about couples who
express their individuality through their wedding.
We're talking about the bride and groom who, in expressing their
"individuality," make choices that cause their loved ones involved in the
bridal party to either:
1) be unhappy but suck it up and support them, or
2) drop out because they of course have a choice and don't want to be
"forced" to do what they don't want to do..
Then, no they're not wrong at all, they're being a couplezilla.
And in this situation, I will say that being a couple/bridezilla is exactly
what Muhlyssa said.. "brides having their friends wearing things that make
them miserable all for the sake of "it's my/our wedding and we can do
whatever we want."
I say.. Couplezilla go ahead and embrace your zilla-ness. This is the stuff
that makes great wedding horror stories...
--
...
ILuvUMore2001 <iluvum...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20000131224248...@ng-fp1.aol.com...
> Actually ... what I am saying is that the bride and the groom will plan
their
> wedding the way that they want to plan it and that just because their
vision is
> not the same as yours...doesn't make it wrong.
> Nobody is forcing anybody to do what they don't want to do.. The bride and
the
> groom have a right to be happy and if that means that they want all the
ladies
> in *whatever* and all the guys in *whatever* then so be it... It is
*their*
> wedding.
>
> Just because you consider that to be *crapping* doesn't mean that it is
so...
>
> :)
>
> Glad to know that you agree that no two weddings are a like and that
everybody
> is entitled to their own individuality.
>
>
ILuvUMore2001
>You really missed the point YET AGAIN.
No, you missed the point.
Everybody has a different vision of how they see themselves getting married.
Some brides are liberal and some are not liberal.
Get over it!
It's still that *brides* day and she should get married the way that she and
her fiance invisioned it to be. Doesn't matter what you think or what you
like.. it's about what that particular person wants and likes.
Everybody is different.
So...please lets not miss THAT POINT yet again.
Thank You!
:)
Take Care,
Angela
>Subject: Re: Cheif Bridesmaid needs help! (LONG)
>From: muhl...@aol.com
>Date: 1/31/00 6:13 AM Pacific Standard Time
>Message-id: <8745ab$i1o$1...@nnrp1.deja.com>
>
>Angela:
>
>You really missed the point YET AGAIN. I was not referring to the "my
>wedding" vs, "our wedding" arguement. I was speaking about brides
>having their friends wearing things that make them miserable all for the
>sake of "it's my/our wedding and we can do whatever we want."
>
>Try a little bit less of an emotional response next time and a little
>bit more of a selective reading comprehension. The threads on this
>newsgroup doesn't revolve around arguements you have participated in.
>
>
ILuvUMore2001
>So Angela,
>
>You're saying that's its OK to be a Bridezilla because it's "THEIR" day to
>do with what they will and because it's THEIR day, they can still crap all
>over "THEIR" bridesmaids (and hell, the groomsmen too if they need more
>people to crap on) because no matter how the bridal party feels, it's all
>about the Bridezilla, what she wants and likes and what she and her
>Groomzilla "envisions".
>
>Psh.
>
>--
>...
Actually ... what I am saying is that the bride and the groom will plan their
Ron Ng
>
>No, you missed the point.
>
You both missed the point.
No matter who says it's their day, it's really MY day.
Ron Ng Knows!
Elisabeth Bates
of course, i thought it was all about me....hmm.
- lissie
Ron Ng (ronn...@aol.com) wrote:
: You both missed the point.
C. J. Morgan
: > Personally, I find this attitude of "my day, my wedding so I can crap
ILuvUMore2001 (iluvum...@aol.com) wrote:
: Personally... this is getting really old. We are discussing the *bride*
: right now... we all know that it's the *bride* and the *groom* that are
: getting married.
Angela,
You're confusing the topic at hand with one from a different thread.
C.J.
--
C.J. Morgan
ch...@torfree.net