K 3 gone wrong
Randy Goldsmith
I have been married to my wife for a year due to paper work she has
only been here for 3 months. Every time we have an quarrel she
threatens to call the police and say I beat her. Or to go to the DR
and run up a big bill.
I am tired of living this way, she is going home to Ukraine to
visit next month, and will be gone for a month. Is there a way I can
make it so she can not return?
I hope if I were to divorce her that would do it, but the wedding
took place in Ukraine and I am told would need to divorce her there to
do any good this way.
PLEASE HELP
Randy
Patrick
Originally posted by Randy Goldsmith:
Sounds to me like she is homesick! She is threatening to do these things
to hurt you - because she is in pain (homesick). This will pass in time
but I do beleive there is no way of keeping her out of the country.
If a marriage is valid around the world no matter where you got wed, a
divorce is valid around the world no matter where you get divorced!
I think you need to work this out - find out how you can live with the
homesickness until it wanes. Don't just shut her out because she is
struggling with her new life and you want an easy life - strikes me as
you are being selfish!
Patrick
--
Rete
Don't agree that your wife's behavior is her reaction to homesickness.
Anyone, in my way of thinking, who uses threats of filing criminal
charges for acts not committed is manipulative and controlling. As for
financial retribution for your disagreement with her, if DR stands for
doctor, then let her go to one. Perhaps there is a medical reason why
she is behaving in this manner and a doctor will be assistance in
helping her.
I, too, thought that a divorce was possible in the US even if you
married outside of it. Her country might not recognize it but
the US would.
As for restraining her re-entry, doubt there is anything you can do
about that. The K-3 allows her to leave and re-enter the US. She
still has to file for adjustment of status and that will be based on
your marriage. So ask a good immigration attorney if you have any
leverage in that area if that is still your thought.
If you just want out of the marriage, then divorce her and get on with
your life and allow her to get on with hers.
Originally posted by Randy Goldsmith:
--
Patrick
Originally posted by Rete:
> Anyone, in my way of thinking, who uses threats of filing criminal
> charges for acts not committed is manipulative and controlling. As
> for financial retribution for your disagreement with her, if DR stands
> for doctor, then let her go to one. Perhaps there is a medical reason
> why she is behaving in this manner and a doctor will be assistance in
> helping her.
>
> I, too, thought that a divorce was possible in the US even if you
> married outside of it. Her country might not recognize it but the
> US would.
>
> As for restraining her re-entry, doubt there is anything you can do
> about that. The K-3 allows her to leave and re-enter the US. She
> still has to file for adjustment of status and that will be based on
> your marriage. So ask a good immigration attorney if you have any
> leverage in that area if that is still your thought.
>
> If you just want out of the marriage, then divorce her and get on with
> your life and allow her to get on with hers.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Hi Rita,
Its a good job your not a marriage counseller - none of this work
through your problems with you is there. :)
More of the fast food culture advice of if it doesn't work flush it
down the toilet and get a new one! Sometimes things aren't as black and
white as she needs a doctor - homesickness is a horrible thing and
makes people act this way, people need time to adjust and if their
partner is not understanding to there needs then they get defensive and
lash out - the only person she knows she can lash out at is him. I was
in the same boat when my wife moved to England - if we quarreled she
would walk out the house and I would not see her for hours and hours -
she would go to Travel agents and look flight prices and then go to the
movies to see something that would remind her of home and have popcorn
(comforting things).
What chance does Randys wife have of going to the movies to see a
Ukrainian movie (slim I would think) so there is no escape. If when
she goes home she realises the marriage is not working she will stay
in the Ukraine.
Your from NY aren't you Rita, I thought you might advise him to go and
see Tony Soprano and he will sort it out!
Women are to be loved not understood
Patrick
--
Rete
Originally posted by Patrick:
>
> Hi Rita,
>
> Its a good job your not a marriage counseller - none of this work
> through your problems with you is there. :)
>
> Ukrainian movie (slim I would think) so there is no escape. If when
> she goes home she realises the marriage is not working she will stay
> in the Ukraine.
>
> Your from NY aren't you Rita, I thought you might advise him to go and
> see Tony Soprano and he will sort it out!
>
> Women are to be loved not understood
>
> Patrick
What a crock of horse manure Patrick. ;-) The man does not want a
marriage counsellor. If he did and she did, then they would be seeking
professional help rather than asking on a NG about ways to get rid of
the offending spouse. They have been married for a while now.
Your view of what might constitute homesickness is your opinion and you
are most certainly free to think that way. I see anyone who resorts to
threatening behavior as being manipulative and controlling. My view; my
entitlement. Homesickness is "usually" displayed with depression,
unwillingness to participate in daily life, crying, etc. Not with
threats of retribution and financial ruin. Those actions are usually
results of anger and hostiity. And if she is angry who knows but that
there might be a basis for it in her husband's behavior.
And for the record, I never watched the Sopranos and never will. I
don't know any hit men or anyone with a criminal record for that matter.
I'm a Sex In The City viewer.
As for the last sentence of your post, I find that most offending. How
do you love someone you can't understand and how can you imply that a
woman's emotions and thought processings are so alien that they cannot
be comprehended by a man. But then as a woman, perhaps I should not be
offended. Man's thought processings are rather simple and don't tend to
encompass anything more than simplistic avenues. ;-))
--
Patrick
Originally posted by Rete:
>
> What a crock of horse manure Patrick. ;-) The man does not want a
> marriage counsellor. If he did and she did, then they would be
> seeking professional help rather than asking on a NG about ways to get
> rid of the offending spouse. They have been married for a while now.
>
> Your view of what might constitute homesickness is your opinion and
> you are most certainly free to think that way. I see anyone who
> resorts to threatening behavior as being manipulative and controlling.
> My view; my entitlement. Homesickness is "usually" displayed with
> depression, unwillingness to participate in daily life, crying, etc.
> Not with threats of retribution and financial ruin. Those actions are
> usually results of anger and hostiity. And if she is angry who knows
> but that there might be a basis for it in her husband's behavior.
>
> And for the record, I never watched the Sopranos and never will. I
> don't know any hit men or anyone with a criminal record for that
> matter. I'm a Sex In The City viewer.
>
> As for the last sentence of your post, I find that most offending.
> How do you love someone you can't understand and how can you imply
> that a woman's emotions and thought processings are so alien that they
> cannot be comprehended by a man. But then as a woman, perhaps I
> should not be offended. Man's thought processings are rather simple
> and don't tend to encompass anything more than simplistic avenues.
> ;-))
Hey don't blame me for the last line - that was Oscar Wilde! I just used
it as I walking down a more simlistic avenue!
--
Folinskyinla
Originally posted by Randy Goldsmith:
Hi:
I'm an immigration lawyer and not a marriage counselor. So I'll just
handle your legal questions.
1. No, once she has permanent residence, conditional or otherwise, the
US citizen spouse has no power to compel removal or refusal of
entry. That is entirely up to the government, not you. This is
enshrined in the Violence Against Women Act -- you obtained a wife,
not a slave.
2. Marriage is legally valid if valid under the law where celebrated.
Divorce is valid if valid if valid under the law where ONE of the
spouses resides. This is a general rule and there are exceptions.
For example, a NY resident goes to the Domican Republic and gets a
divorce. If the other spouse makes no legal appearance in the D.R.,
no divorce as far as NY is concerned. But lets say that NY spouse
travels to the D.R. and the other NY spouse makes a written formal
"appearance" in the D.R. -- then it is valid. There were a pair of
cases from the Supremes in the late 1940's called "Williamson"
involving a North Carolina couple where one of them got a Nevada
divorce and then remarried. Interesting reading.
--
Certified Specialist, Immigration & Nat. Law, Cal. Bar Board of Legal Specialization
Sara999
Originally posted by Rete:
> ...for your disagreement with her, if DR stands for doctor, then let
> her go to one. Perhaps there is a medical reason why
>
Inever thought of that, I though he meant Dominican Republic :)
--
Caro
>
> I have been married to my wife for a year due to paper work she has
> only been here for 3 months. Every time we have an quarrel she
> threatens to call the police and say I beat her. Or to go to the DR
> and run up a big bill.
>
> It is difficult from a post to know if your wife is homesick or
> "mean". However, the first months in a foreign country are always the
> most difficult ones, and she might very well act strange because she
> needs "attention" and support to go through these first months.
>
> Here is a story. I have been used since I am kid to spend quite a lot
> of time in foreign countries in Europe by myself. When I left for the
> US to go to graduate school, I just couldn't wait to go home after the
> first term. For Christmas break, I was traveling back home with a
> friend, and as soon as we realized that our last exam was earlier than
> we had expected, we went to the travel agency to change our tickets.
> The last exam was on Friday from 2:00pm-4:00pm. I asked for ticket for
> Saturday, and my friend was really surprised and protested to get
> tickets for Friday for a plane at 7:00pm (getting back home from the
> University is 15mins, airport is about 1h away, need to be at the
> airport 2 hrs in advance...). So that is what we did, and 3 months
> later, after having counted down a lot of days, we rushed out of our
> exam [really couldn't care less about our final that day!], and just
> made it in time for the plane. In London, we found the strength to run
> like crazy to make our plane to Paris, and to argue so that they would
> let us on the plane that was about to leave. After that first trip
> back home, I never had the same need to go home.
>
>
> I am tired of living this way, she is going home to Ukraine to visit
> next month, and will be gone for a month.
If she is homesick, she will recharge her batteries at home, and feel
much better once back here.
If she does call the police and say that you beat her, I assume that
they will be looking for some kind of evidence that you actually did
beat her, and probably make a medical examination. So, I am not sure
what she would gain by doing that, and on your side, you probably have
nothing to be afraid of.
Anyway, if you want to give it a shot to the homesick part, here is a
couple things that would make me happy when I am homesick. You might
find this list helpful if you are looking to fetch some ideas:
- Anything special from our "relationship".
- Anything food related that reminds me of France.
- Flowers are always good.
- Anything that I could be doing in Paris that I normally don't do in
the US (museums, sitting in a cozy cafe, getting a pastry in the
street, concert...).
- Anything that I prefer doing in the US than in Paris (biking, hiking,
jazz bar, swing dancing, cookies...).
- Getting together with French friends.
- Calling my family and my friends in France.
- When we filed for AOS, my husband made a smart (and preventive) move
to avoid homesickness while I was "stuck" waiting for AP/finishing my
dissertation/looking for a job. I was playing with a cat at a
petstore, having no intent to buy a cat at that point, but just
because I love cats. It was not too difficult for him to persuade me\,
later on to adopt this cat [that had been sitting on my lap for the 2
hours], although I knew it would be crazy to get a cat at his point
(cross-country move 3 months later). Anyway, the next week-end, we
returned to adopt the cat. The move with the cat was not even that bad
:-), and I was really happy to have adopted the cat at that time.
Hope that this helps, and good luck with everything!
Caroline
--
Margaret
that your spouse has beat you up or running to the doctor and running
up a huge bill? I don't think so. How many people do you know that
show homesickness this way? I'm certainly not one of them. Even my
11 year old son is homesick at times but doesn't act like a looney
tune. Sorry, I say it as I see it.
Patrick <mem...@britishexpats.com> wrote in message news:<450090.1...@britishexpats.com>...
JuMu
doctor after it...
You don't beat her, don't you?
Rete <mem...@britishexpats.com> wrote in message news:<450196.1...@britishexpats.com>...
> I'm a Sex In The City viewer.
>
So am I, though I thought it was 'Sex And The City' ;)
Great show.
greetings JuMu
Rete
Originally posted by Patrick:
>
>
> Absolutley no Oscar Wilde, Edgar Allen Poe or Mark Twain quotes in
> case they offend someone! (literature eh! so un-pc)
>
> Patrick
Sorry Patrick but I'm not a fan of Wilde. I do know and enjoy Poe and
Twain though ;-) So use the quotes but identify them as quotes for
those of us unfamiliar of whence they came.
Fast food culture? Is that a new term for Generation X? I still love
the Yuppies and Puppies terms. BTW I;m 54 so guess I am of neither of
those generations.
Actually I'm not into quickie divorces myself. Was married for seven
years before hubby decided that being a nomad and enjoying a bi-sexual
lifestyle was more his speed than being a husband and daddy. And I'm
still working on this marriage ;-) ... four years and counting.
Rete
--
Patrick
Originally posted by Margaret:
> that your spouse has beat you up or running to the doctor and running
> up a huge bill? I don't think so. How many people do you know that
> show homesickness this way? I'm certainly not one of them. Even my
> 11 year old son is homesick at times but doesn't act like a looney
> tune. Sorry, I say it as I see it.
>
>
Hi,
the "acting like a looney" (technical term) is not a sympton of
homesickeness but a reaction to the environment that envelopes it. If
she is homesick it will manifest itself in many forms but if these
"simple cries for attention" are ignored they become cries for help.
Threatening to call the police is a cry for help - its a "will you for
fucks sake wake up and address the problems I am having". She hasn't
woken up one morning and started this, this has been a gradual decent.
I am still qujite amazed at the attitude of some of you that it would be
easier to end the marriage after 3 months rather than try and sort it
out. Marriage is difficult under normal circumstances without having the
added pressures of homesickness. My wedding vows said "till death us do
part" (hence the sopranos reference earlier - although I don't watch it,
or sex in the city) not "till she pisses me off us do part" - Maybe
nowadays till death is not always expected but 3 months is not long
enough. The Fast food culture has a lot to answer for!
Absolutley no Oscar Wilde, Edgar Allen Poe or Mark Twain quotes in case
they offend someone! (literature eh! so un-pc)
Patrick
--
Scarlett
>they offend someone! (literature eh! so un-pc)
>
>Patrick
Well! I would just like to register how deeply offended I was by your latest
post, Patrick!
Not even a hint of old Oscar? WHAT can you be thinking of?
To lose him in one mail could be described as unfortunate. But this is not the
first Oscarless post I have seen from you today. And that, as Mrs Malaprop
would say, can only be described as careless!
;)
Scarlett
Girard Bourque
I can understand why the law came about. But like a lot of well meaning
laws, is it being taking advantage of too much? Seems like I read an
article not too long ago, that stated this law was being used against the US
to obtain green cards. It seemed that females from Russia were being taught
to find a US fiancé/spouse. Go to the US and then claim abuse. He is at
fault without an investigation and they are automatically approved. The USC
is left with his head spinning.
Maybe they need to rethink or take a closer look at this law.
Jerry
Girard Bourque
mrtravel
investigation.
Get the facts straight.
Margaret
hell with my husband and never again would I allow anyone to treat me
that way again. We knew each other from work so it wasn't like he or
I had come in from another country and one was pining away as the
result of homesickness. He turned on me not long after we married and
I stayed in it for 9 years in the hopes that it would work out. We
even went for marriage counselling. I see the poster's wife is
already running back to her home country after only three months of
being in the U.S. and staying in her home country for a month. It
doesn't appear as though she wants to remain any longer to work things
out. She may have realized she made a mistake in all of it. I would
like to see nothing more than all marriages working out, believe me.
Somehow I can see that once the poster's wife returns to the Ukraine,
she will not be back. Maybe no one agrees with me but I know what it
was like to live under threats, so I can sympathize with what this
person is going through.
Patrick <mem...@britishexpats.com> wrote in message news:<450566.1...@britishexpats.com>...
wolf2743mi
coached as to how to do things if they do not like their situation once they
arrive in America. They know that they will be allowed to stay in America if
they get a good DV record started with the authorities. After all, that is
American law. Some of these women are experts at using any loop hole they can
find. If she is screaming DV for no reason. Then you can reasonably suspect
that this is what she is doing. Do not misunderstand me. There are many good
women in Ukraine. It just seems as though more of this sort of thing comes from
there then any other place.
As for the K-3.She can indeed re-enter the USA. She must be married to the
original petitioner at the time of her AOS. Or, she is history. If you think a
divorce is the best way to go here. Then you should do so immediately. Do not
allow her back into your house( without witnesses) so she can work up a DV on
you. You know your situation better then anyone else. Have courage and do what
you know you must do. It will get rough. But not nearly as rough as if she
continues with her final plan. Good luck in your decision. I hope you decide
well.
Take care
Mike
mrtravel
wolf2743mi wrote:
>
> As for the K-3.She can indeed re-enter the USA. She must be married to the
> original petitioner at the time of her AOS. Or, she is history. If you think a
> divorce is the best way to go here. Then you should do so immediately. Do not
> allow her back into your house( without witnesses)
Careful here.. In many states, his house is also HER house.
How do you expect him to stop her from entering THEIR house?
Is he going to physically restrain her?
Mike
packing!!!!Russian women are notorious for this!
Patrick
>
>
> Simple enough, buy her ticket, beat her up and send her
> packing!!!!Russian women are notorious for this!
>
Mike,
this is not helpful - advising men to beat up their wifes! What kind of
a sick puppy are you.
Maybe he shud git a gun an do himself sum rusky shootin', hoopin' an a
hollerin'!
Just out of interest what colour is your neck?
Patrick
--
Caro
>
> I see the poster's wife is already running back to her home country
> after only three months of being in the U.S. and staying in her home
> country for a month. It doesn't appear as though she wants to remain
> any longer to work things
> out.
On that one, I do not agree with you. I do not think that one can read
much in this statement. It depends on how old she is, what her
relationship with her parents is, how many times she left Ukraine
before, if she has lived with her parents before moving to the US or if
she was living by herself, and so on.
When I was a student, I was going home every 4 months or so, and I was
staying there for close to a month whenever I could. It didn't mean that
I was giving up on my American boyfriend [who was accompanying me once a
year on my trips], I just wanted to be back home with my family and
friends. My boyfriend and I were communicating everyday through internet
or phone, and he never felt like it was a problem or I was not serious
about our relationship. He was usually actually the one to encourage me
to buy the tickets when I was thinking about scheduling a trip.
Caroline
--
Marjeta
what's really going on within their marriage.
Bad behavior is often caused by stressful situations and it boils down
to something barried in that person's mind; it doesn't necessarily
mean you don't love someone. In this case the bad behavior seems to be
getting a little out of hand so I don't know if it's homesickness, but
it could be.
I can say that because I've experienced it. After 3 weeks that I spent
with my fiance in the US there was a moment when I felt very homesick
due to certain events that occured. I was crying like a baby and I was
acting hostile towards my fiance as much as that was hurting both of
us. You may as well call it irrational and childish but sometimes
feelings are stronger than reason and you might end up expressing your
inner fears in such an obscure way instead of ignoring and swallowing
everything (which is even worse) or discussing the real issues. The
main problem is often communication which is even harder in a
multi-cultural and multi-lingual marriage.
Nobody said that she is running away from him (or I may have missed
that part) but she may just be running from the environment she found
herself surrounded by. It is a very difficult situation to be dealing
with for some people. I think there is always hope, but only if both
parts are willing to work it out. In this situation unfortunately I
don't see anything that would point in this direction, which is rather
sad.
In the case of homesickness problems can be solved rather quickly if
the fiance/husband devotedly tried his best to help her out by showing
more affection and attention and talked to her about it. A lot of
people however freeze at the first obstacle that shows up on the
horizon. Yeah, men often freeze and they're often ignorant about
what's going on inside their woman's mind (and I don't mean to be
sexist here, it's a fact).
What I'm trying to say here is they should BOTH try work it out and
since this man doesn't show any inclination to do so you cannot blame
all this exclusively on the Ukranian fiancee. It's obvious from the
way the original poster writes about his marriage after only 3 months
that perhaps some sensitivity was lacking on his side from the start.
You can't just sit and listen to your wife's threats for 3 months,
there's gotta be a story behind it.......
I don't want to criticize him nor his "unhappy" bride, it just angers
me to see how quickly people give up when things suddenly don't look
so rosy and pink. The person you thought you knew as the sweetest
little girl in the end turns to be a control freak?? I don't know
about that because a person you KNOW and consciously decide to marry
does not change into a monster after 3 months of marriage. Most
probably all these people didn't know who they were marrying in the
first place and that's where it all starts.
Sorry about the preaching again. No useful advice for the original
poster as usual........ |:)
Marjeta
Don't make the same mistake again by marrying someone you don't really know. Peace.