Red Dwarf Meets Star Trek
Steve M Lake
Just a quickie to say that I've written a Red Dwarf meets StarTrek story,
and am thinking of posting it here. Is that okay with you lot ?
Just thought I'd better check first. If enough people say yes, i'll post it.
If not, i'll say so, and anyone that REALLY wants a copy can mail me, and
i'll mail it to them. OK ?
And the quote for the day:
"Morning farmer lister, Oim Juuurst poping dooon to the shoorps in Moi
submarine, can I get you anything ????" - Rimmer (The End)
Nicholas J Clayton
>Just a quickie to say that I've written a Red Dwarf meets StarTrek story,
How many of us wrote it?
Yeah, go ahead and post. Did I send you the latest version? If not, I'll mail you that first, since it's more up to date.
Rgds, Nik
---
_/ _/ _/_/_/ _/ _/ For those who are wondering why,
_/_/ _/ _/ _/ _/ What we call SF ain't Sci-Fi,
_/ _/ _/ _/ _/_/ It's just there a fine line
_/ _/_/ _/ _/ _/ Between Robert Heinlein,
_/ _/ _/_/_/ _/ _/ And "Son of the Two Headed Fly"
Steve M Lake
OK, Due to extreme demand (Well, 8 people anyway) I'm going to post it in
the next few days, as soon as i've checked the spelling etc.
Watch this space !
Steve M Lake
Okay, here it is, the long awaited (Well, 2 days)
STAR TREK (the next generation)
MEETS
RED DWARF.
(Sorry Nik, but I couldn't stand the Email any longer, I HAD to post it)
[Shot of outside of Enterprise]
Picard: Captains log stardate 4/4704.3 We are in orbit
around the outpost Ciety Alpha 12, some rather dubious
circumstances surround this mission, with neither Star
Fleet or myself knowing little of the situation, other
than a strange glowing hole has appeared in the
starfield.
[Cut to bridge, Picard is in his chair, Riker is leaning
on the arm of his chair, Worf is at his post, Geordi is
at science station 5, and Data and Wesley are on the
Helm.]
Picard: Mr Data, Any change?
Data: No change as of yet sir, although I am getting a
message from the planet saying that they are getting a
great suntan from the glow. It would appear that the hole
is giving off all forms of electromagnetic radiation, as
well as various gasses, mostly methane.
Picard: Any sign of audio waves ?
Data: No sir, the gasses are not transferring any sound.
Riker: (Smirking) Silent but violent !
Data: (Turns his head inquisitively) Sir ?
Riker: Never mind Data, just an old childish joke.
Data pauses for a second and then continues: Ah yes [He
stands] a reference to the exhaustion of gasses from.....
Picard: Yes, thank you mister Data, I think we get the
picture.
Data: Yes Sir.[He takes his seat and presses various
buttons]
Geordi: Sir, I'm getting a strong change in frequency
from the hole... Sir its changing colour !!!
Picard: Data do you agree?
Data: Yes sir, it would appear that it is indeed changing
colour.
Picard: On screen [Worf presses buttons and the screen
shows the hole changing colour]
[cut to outside, showing the hole which was previously
yellow changing to red]
[Fade to black, Run opening credits]
[Fade back in to show hole changing colour, and then
switch to the bridge; Jupiter mining ship Red Dwarf]
[Rimmer, Cat, Lister and Kryten are stood staring at a
view screen which shows the inside of the hole, ILM are
strutting their funky stuff]
Rimmer: ALIENS ! I knew it, Aliens.
Lister: Shut the smeg up Rimmer, Shut up.
Kryten: [to cat] Sir, unlikely as it may seem, the
singular act of plugging your super deluxe hair dryer
into the control room power supply has put us in a
space/time hole, and I feel that I must say that I think
that you are a complete SMEEEG HEERRD.
Cat: Well if you'd wired up some decent sockets in my
room, not ones that go "VIIISST" every time you use one
then everything would be OK.
Lister: Look, what does it matter how we got here, we're
here now anyway.
Cat: Yeah he's right, at least the view outside matches
my suit. [He spins]
Holly: Hang about, I'm picking something up.
Lister: What is it Hol ?
Holly: Well either its a hyper-light speed battle
cruiser, or its some sand stuck in the scanner.
Rimmer: Aliens, See I told you !
Lister: For the last time shut the SMEG up.
Holly: Uh oh, I was wrong, it's only a highly destructive
photon torpedo probe.
Rimmer: I Knew it, it's the body snatchers, they come to
your house trying to sell a set of Encyclopedia
Galacticas and then VOOOM there goes your face.
Cat: Yeah, their motto is They came, They saw, They stole
your ass.
Holly: Hang about, we've got a message.
Lister: [pressing buttons] Lob it up Hol.
[The screen fizzes and Picard appears]
Picard on screen: This is captain Jean Luc Picard of the
federation starship Enterprise, Please Identify yourself.
Lister: Smeggin' Hell, they're human, we've come through
a time hole.
Cat: Was that a woman I saw in the background ?
Kryten: This is very strange, The Enterprise was just in
the design stages when we left earth, about 4 years ago,
but it would not have been commissioned for another 6
years, and I'm sure it used to be green !
Holly: I S'pose that we could have come back just after
the Enterprise was commissioned, Say 11 years after we
left.
Kryten: Of course, it was not the Enterprise that was
green, it was the Romulan Bird of Prey. Sorry sir my
memory chip seems to have become momentarily dislocated.
[Lister hits Kryten over the head with Cats hair-dryer.]
Kryten: Thankyou sir, I needed that.
Cat: My hair dryer!!!....Oh never mind....it was fried by
Plastic Percy's wiring anyway.
MESSAGE SCREEN: "I repeat this is Jean Luc Picard do you
understand us?"
Lister: Hol open hollering frequencies.
Rimmer: That's hailing frequencies [whilst pulling hand
down over face]
Lister: I knew that smeg head
Holly:Okay Dave hailing frequencies open, s'funny that
saying open when you mean on. I mean who invented that
anyway? ,what a weirdo...
Lister: YO!! matey how's it hangin'??
Picard: Who are you?
Lister: I'm .........
[Lister gets pushed off by the impatient Rimmer.]
Rimmer [saluting]: Greetings captain , the names Rimmer
,Arnold.J.Rimmer, space adventurer and part time
technician.
Cat: Yeah and I'm a Gargle beast from Traall who can only
say the word vicarage on every second Tuesday.
Rimmer: Shut up cat.
[Cut to bridge of Enterprise]
Picard : [to data] give me an intellegence scan.....
Data : The only intelligence there is the rats, if my
scanners are right, although there is also a human, a cat
type organism, and an unknown creature at the other end
of the ship. From the data available, the other organism
seems to be a shape changer, a genetic mutation from some
years back.
Picard : Quite finished with the lecture data?
Data : I still have 5 hours of data left at human speed
sir.
Picard : OFF..[Data Slumps into a crumpled mess]
Riker: How can you do that sir?
Picard: Emergency measure, for switching off blabbering
robots.
Riker: I want him on! [He smirks]
Picard: Stop smirking Riker. Data stays off until we need
him.
Lister (on screen): Hey dudes, what date is it?
Picard: stardate 4/4704.3
Lister (on screen): Ok matey cut the crap. I want the
date,the whole date, nothing but the date. In English ok?
Picard: errrrrr......Data?
Riker: You switched him off sir.
Picard: ON
Data: As I was saying I have more than 5 hours of data at
..
Picard: Shut UP! Good. Now tell me the A.D. Date.
Data: April the 3rd 2447 sir, to the best of my
knowledge.
Lister (on screen): Thank you. Now kindly piss off.
Picard: I can't do this, we haven't had the first
commercial break yet!
Data: Inquiry...'Piss off' sir?
Picard: Ancient Colourful metaphor.
Data: Oh..A slang word describing the action of...
Picard: OFF
***-------------------------------------------***
Commercial Break....
People start trying to sell you the holiday of the life
time, it will only put the first national bank in hock if
you borrow from them, and an even bigger bill if you make
it back.
The special offer on space weetabix, the best way fill
your space-suit, from top and bottom at the same time.
***-------------------------------------------***
Fade back to outside, The Red Dwarf is now fully through
the time hole, and is making the Enterprise look slightly
small.
Picard: Captain's log, Supplemental. We have encountered
what would appear to be an almost totally deserted
Jupiter mining vessel, The remaining crew, namely A
human, a cat like humanoid, similar to those from Cattia
5, an android and a hologram, who claims to be Captain
Arnold J Rimmer, Space adventurer, and their slightly
erratic computer, all seem to be friendly enough,
although the contact we have had with them seems to be
little more than a insult throwing session.
Fade to bridge of Enterprise.
Picard: Mister Data [He pauses] Oh Hell....ON..
Data:...urinating......Sir what happened, I seem to have
missed something.
Picard: Don't worry it was only the adverts. Open hailing
frequencies to the Red Dwarf
Worf: Aye Sir [He presses buttons]
Computer: Feeeeedle squirdge
Worf: Hailing frequencies open Sir.
Picard: Captain Rimmer...
[Rimmer appears on the screen with a stupid Napoleon
costume on, His H sign has been recently polished and
catches the light shining it into Picard's eyes.]
Rimmer: Yes Captain Picard, what do you want, I was just
about to show my telegraph pole photograph collection to
Kryten.
Picard: [shading his eyes and wincing at the thought of
the photos] We would like you to beam over and join us in
our visitors suite.
Rimmer: The transporter beam won't work with me.
Picard: [under his breath] Thank god!
Rimmer: [continuing] But we will come over in our Starbug
shuttle, Is there anything else you want us to bring, you
know, spare warp drive command module, Bazzookoids, you
name it......
Picard: That won't be necessary thank you, although your
personnel file would be useful to prepare for your
arrival.
Rimmer: Okie Dokie, I'll get holly to send 'em over.
[He salutes again, and presses a holo-button]
Seconds pass......Rimmer's image is still on the screen,
frantically pressing hologramatic buttons.
Rimmer: How the hell do you turn this smeg pile off
Data: I belive the button that you are looking for is to
your right
Rimmer: This one ?
Data: No, down a bit.
Rimmer: This one ?
Data: No, next to the thrextron oscillator switch.
Rimmer: Ah.....Which one's that?
Picard: Data...
Data: Sir ?
Picard: Hurry up Data.
Data: Ah, I have an idea [He presses lots of buttons] Red
Dwarf Computer Access code 12D53Q6.3.
[Holly appears in the top right hand corner of the
screen]
Holly: Oi What was the idea of waking me up, I was just
having a snooze. Who are you anyway....'ere, you're an
android arn't you.
Data: No, I'm an Eggplant.. [getting very annoyed] why
does everybody ask me that.
Picard: Data !
Data: Yes Sir..Computer,..
Holly: That's Holly to you.
Data: Okay, Holly Turn off Captain Rimmer's Sub-space
terminal.
Rimmer: Oi, I'm getting there.
Holly: Captain..[laughing] CAPTAIN, Oh no he's just...
Rimmer: I've got it. [He presses the button and the
screen goes blank]
Entire Enterprise bridge crew: Thank God for that.
Worf: Captain, The crew-data files are being down loaded
now.
Picard: Good, Riker, take the com. I'll be in my room.
[switch to Lister's room, Red Dwarf. Lister is on his
bunk bed, Rimmer is at the table and Cat is by the micro-
chef]
Lister: So, let me get this straight Rimmer, You said
that you were a Captain, an a space explorer, and that we
would go over to the Enterprise and be brain washed into
being nice little star fleet crew members by their
constant babble....No thanks.
Rimmer: No, I said I was a Space Adventure not space
explorer
Cat: Think that we're lucky that he didn't call himself
Admiral
[Kryten enters the room]
Kryten: Excuse me sirs, but we have just received a
message from the Enterprise asking for us to come over.
They seem to have no record of Mister Rimmer, for some
strange reason their computer only had the message "Mind
your own smegging business" in his data area.
Lister: I wonder why [He jumps down from the bunk and
walks towards the room] So Captain, what'll we do now.
Rimmer: Well, we go over there and meet them.
Cat: Yeah, and maybe we can meet some women too..
Lister: Last one to Starbug 1 is a total Spud Brain
[They all bundle out of the door. Cut to starbug 1
interior. Kryten is at the controls, Rimmer is in the
back rehearing a greeting speech, Cat is brushing his
hair in front of a mirror on the inside of a locker, and
Lister is spraying his socks with a spray can]
Cat: [To Lister] Hey buddy, are you expecting to meet
somebody
Lister: Yeah, I hope so.
Cat: Well I hope they like fly spray.
Lister: Why? [He stops, and looks at the can] OH SMEG.
Cat laughs
Kryten: [Pressing buttons] This is Starbug 1 Shuttle from
the Jupiter mining craft Red Dwarf, are we cleared for
entry.
Enterprise: This is engineer P. B. Smedley you are
cleared to land in bay 2. Do you want a tractor beam
lock.
Rimmer: No, we can manage perfectly thank you.
Kryten: But Sir.
Rimmer: Bring her around Kryten.
Kryten: But.....
Rimmer: Just do it Kryten
Kryten: [reluctantly] Yes Sir mister Rimmer sir.
[Switch to outside view, The starbug's thrusters fire and
power it towards the Enterprise's docking area.]
Rimmer: Right now turn left a bit...
[Kryten pulls left on the joystick]
Rimmer: No, no..right a bit
[Kryten pulls right, the Enterprise looms nearer]
Rimmer: Right, now pull up a bit..
[Kryten pulls up]
Rimmer: Ah... Perfect, Lower landing gear Kryten.
Kryten: But sir the landing gear is fixed in position.
Rimmer: Ah yes Kryters, I was just checking to see if you
knew.
Kryten: [If he was capable of sighing he would] Yes sir.
[Switch to outside view, the starbug is powering towards
the docking bay]
[switch to Enterprise bridge]
Wesley: Captain, Sir
Picard: Yes Wesley, what is it now ?
Wesley: Its the Starbug
Picard: What's that, some type of medical jargon that you
picked up from your mother ?
Wesley: No sir, it's the Red Dwarfs Shuttle.
Picard: Oh, what about it ?
Wesley: Its on a collision course for the docking bay
roof
Picard: WHAT.........Worf sound red alert, get a fire
crew to docking bay 2.
Worf: But sir, we haven't got any fire crews on this
ship, we have got security squads, shall I send them ?
Picard: [Putting his face in his hands] I don't care,
send the ship's cat !
Worf: But it's not qualified sir !
Wesley: The starbug will hit in approximately 10 seconds.
Data: Sir, may I suggest a Fire SQUAD be sent to the
docking bay ?
Picard: But Worf said we don't have a fire squad
Worf: No Sir, I said we don't have a fire CREW !!!
Picard: Send The fire people, I don't care what they are
called, [shouting] JUST SEND THEM NOW !!!!!
Geordi: ARRRRGGGGGHHHH
Picard: What was that ?
Geordi: Tension breaker, It had to be done !
[Switch to Starbug]
Kryten: Sir If you don't let me alter the course soon we
will crash into the docking bay ceiling
[Lister enters the cockpit]
Lister: [looks out of the windscreen] PUSH DOWN KRYTEN
NOW
Kryten: But sir, master Rimmer told me to stay on this
course.
Lister: I don't care.[He jumps forwards, through Rimmer
and pushes forwards on the joystick]
[switch to outside view, the Starbug smashes head first
into the docking bay floor, bounces, hits the ceiling and
removes the well battered tail]
[Switch to inside of Starbug, Cat is sitting head first,
upside down in the locker, Lister is lying of the floor,
Rimmer is shaking his head in disgust and Kryten is still
sat in his seat]
[Kryten comes round]
Kryten: Oh my goodness.
Rimmer: Nice one Kryten, Good landing... I'm sure that
there is a little room for improvement in that manoeuvre,
but altogether not bad, I mean, at least one of us is
still alive !
Kryten: I'm S S S S S Sorry S S S S Sir.... Excuse me
[he bashes his head]
HEAD: QUOOOOGWEEEP
Kryten: Ah That's better, my guilt mode went into over
load and it shorted out my voice module.
[Lister comes round]
Lister: Smeg, I feel like I have just eaten a hand
grenade vindaloo. What happened man ?
Rimmer: Kryten here decided to play skipping stones with
the starbug, He actually managed a "THREE", some kind of
galactic record, In fact I think I shall call up the
Guinness book of records right now.
Lister: Shut up, I mean you gave the order to stay on
course, "Left a bit, Right a bit...Perfect" Yeah perfect
to get us all killed.
[Cat comes round, and a scutter bleeps back on-line]
Cat: Woaah That was not a good move.
Lister: What, you mean I should have left us to crash
into the wall ?
Cat: No...Hell I don't care about that...I mean these
socks,[He lifts his foot] With this shirt [He opens his
jacket].
Rimmer: Wait a minute..[to Lister] Are you telling me
that YOU practically wiped us out.
Lister: Yeah, but it was better than your docking attempt
with the wall !
Rimmer: So....
[There is a knocking on the door]
Door: KNOCK KNOCK
[See I told you !]
Worf's Voice: Come out with your hands up you Human
Bastards
Riker's Voice: Worf, They are visitors, FRIENDLY visitors
!!
Worf's Voice: Well If these are friends, I'd hate to see
the enemies.
Lister: Hol....
Holly: [holly appears with an ice bag on her head]
Strewth,
What a headache, I feel like I have drunk 20000 gin and
tonics, with out the tonic !
Lister: Open the door Kryten
Kryten:[Presses buttons] Sir, the door appears to be
jammed
[Cat, Lister and Rimmer all look at Kryten.]
Lister: Well we do need something about 6 foot long with
a flat top
Kryten: Oh no, not again !
[switch to outside of starbug, the docking bay is
totalled, Worf, Riker and a security squad are all
standing by the door. Suddenly the door bursts off it's
hinges]
Worf: [drawing his phaser/dustbuster] Freeze
[Cat and Lister, who were using kryten as a battering ram
drop him on the floor and put their hands up. Rimmer
steps out from behind them ]
Rimmer: At ease, I am Captain Arnold J Rimmer, Commander
of the RED DWARF
Riker: What does the 'J' stand for ?
Lister: Nothing, He just added it to make his name sound
less dorky.
Rimmer: [Changing the subject] So, are you the captain?
[to Riker]
Riker: [Smirking] No, I am just the first officer, the
captain is on the bridge commanding the starship.
Cat: Hey buddy, I don't know who does your wardrobe, but
I think it would be better with out the stupid trousers,
and you should make it more shiney like this [He spins
and the light catches the 50000 sequins on his jacket and
blinds everyone]
Everyone: ARRRRGGGGGH
Lister: Don't do that man, or at least warn us so that we
can put on our shades.
Riker: If you would follow me, I will show you to the
hospitality suite where we shall dine.
Lister: Brutal
[Fade to black and the adverts]
****---------------------------------------------------
****
'Ere they've 'Ad their Weetabix.....etc.
New Persil, much better than the old persil, even though
we have made absolutely no changes in the formula what so
ever!
That awful SEALINK advert with the crap sound effects
MARVIN THE ANDROID, YOUR PLASTIC PAL WHO'S FUN TO BE WITH
****---------------------------------------------------
****
[Fade to Enterprise in orbit around the small orange
planet, with RED DWARF in the back ground]
Picard's Voice: Captains Log Supplemental. The visitors
from the RED DWARF are enjoying our hospitality suite,
the hole in space from which they came has now closed,
apparently they cannot go back. We are still unaware of
the reasons of why the timehole appeared in the first
place.
[Switch to hospitality suite]
Lister: [To Autocook Food synthesizer] Yo, I'd like a
drink please
Autocook: Water, Orange squash, Limeade or Lemonade ?
Lister: Well, I was thinking of something a little
stronger
Autocook: Ah... How about coffee, De-caf of course
Lister: No, I mean something with a little Kick
Autocook: How about a Donkey Juice...Get it..DONKEY
JUICE.....Oh never mind
[Geordi walks up behind Lister]
Geordi: Sorry about that, we stopped off at the planet
MUPP-ET a few days ago and the autocooks haven't been the
same since.
Lister: Oh right...Listen Autocook, I want a Large Lager
and A Hamburger NOW, or else I will get Rimmer to
demonstrate his telegraph pole photo collection
Autocook: BLLEEEEP.....Please wait, processing order
Geordi: That's great, I wish I'd thought of that
Lister: [Sticks out his hand] Dave Lister
Geordi: [Takes his hand and shakes it] Geordi La Forge
Lister: Pleased to meet you, man. The guy over there in
the Brutal suit is Cat [He points to Cat], The dork's
name is Rimmer, but you already know that, and the
Mechanoid is Kryten.
Bob the skutter: Bllep-Blooooop SQuirgge
Lister: Yeah, OK, This is Bob, the skutter !
Geordi: Hi there Bob
Bob: Bloople Squirggle
Door: PPPPPSSSSSSSSHHHHHHhhh
[Data Enters]
Door: PPPPPSSSSSSSSHHHHHHhhh
Geordi: Data, come over and meet the visitors.
[Pan across room to Rimmer and Kryten]
Rimmer: Kryten, who is that guy over there with the
yellow skin, Is he ill or something ?
Kryten: I belive, sir, that that is Leutenant Commander
DATA, and android with a positronic brain. In many ways
he is similar to myself, except for the fact that my
brain is merely electronic.
Rimmer: Ah,.....Don't look, he's looking this way.
[Pan back to Data, Geordi and Lister, Bob has skuttled
off to find something to do.]
DOOR: PPPPSSSSSHHHHHHHhhh
[Wesley Enters]
Wesley: [Pulls Data away from others] Data, why has that
man over there got a square head, Has he had an accident
?
Data: I belive, Wes, That that is A Series 2000
Mechanoid. I thought they were extinct 6 years ago.
Wesley: Extinct ? But I thought that androids and robots
and things like that can't die.
Data: We can't, but we can be de-commisioned and shut
down. Until about 5 years ago, the main cybernetics
manufacturers, such as the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation
who's androids were all called MARVIN, and for some
strange reason were all paranoid, set a clause into their
robots so that after 25 years or so they would
automatically power down and be superseded by the new
model. Thankfully this is no longer socially acceptable
and was outlawed by the federation.
Wesley: Oh, so how come he is still on-line, so to speak
Data: I have to admit, I do not know !
[Switch to bridge]
Troi: Sir, I sense a great load of guilt from Captain
Rimmer, as If he is lying about something.
[Holly appears on the screen]
Holly: Alright, how's it going ?
Picard: What are you doing on my screen ?
Holly: Well I couldn't help over hearing what was being
said about a certain hologram, and well, I think that he
might have told you a minor porky pie.
Picard: Can we have his real ID please computer ?
Holly: Oi, I do have a name you know
Picard: [Sighs] Why do I put up with this ?
Troi: It' s your job as a Starfleet Captain
Picard: Go on then, what would you like me to call you?
Holly: Well Holly is my name, but my friends call me
Holly !
Picard: Well... Holly, Can we have the real personnel
file for Captain Rimmer ?
Holly: [Sniggering] He obviously lied more than I thought
! It'll take me about [she hits her head on the screen 3
times] Three seconds to find out the right disk record !
Picard: Ok, Picard out.
[Worf presses buttons and Holly disappears]
Picard: [Presses badge]
Badge: Bllep Bllep
Picard: Geordi, can you tell me what is wrong with their
crazy computer ?
Geordi's voice: I don't know captain, but Kryten the
mechanoid is here, I could ask him !
Picard: Good, bring him up here to the bridge.
Geordi's voice: Shall I bring the others up too?
Picard: Well you can bring the Cat creature, and um,
what's his name... Blister or something, but do not.. I
repeat DO NOT bring the hologram !
Geordi's voice: Yes Sir.
[switch to hospitality suit]
Geordi: [to Lister, Kryten and Cat] If you would come
with me, Captain Picard want's to see you. Captain
Rimmer, Lt O'Blighty here will show you the Warp Drive.
Rimmer: [to Lister, Cat and Kryten] Ha ha, now I get the
tour and all you get is to meet the captain...See you
later lowly smeg heads..
[Lt O'Blighty leads Rimmer towards the door]
Door: FFFFFFFFSSSSSSSssshhh
[Rimmer and O'Blighty leave the room]
Geordi: Well that took care of him !
Cat : So how come he gets the preferential treatment ? I
mean, what are we.... Milwall supporters or something ?
Geordi: On the contrary, it is you that is getting the
preferential treatment, Lt O'Blighty is the most
obnoxious, boring, most annoying officer on this entire
starship.
Lister: Oh. Well they should get on well then.
[They walk over to the door, It opens with the usual
FFFFFFFSSSSSssshhh noise and they leave, along with
Wesley and Data.]
[Cut to bridge, Everyone is in their normal places and
Holly is on the screen.]
Picard: Troi, what do you think of the rest of the Red
Dwarf crew?
Troi: [Smiling] Well the Liverpudlian is quite nice,
although I hear there is a strange fly spray smell around
him.
Picard: That's not what I meant !
Troi: Oh, well the Cat-creature is extremely vain and
egotistical, he appears to care only for his appearance.
The Mechanoid is just eager to please, although I sense a
deep sense of humour. And Lister is reasonably kind and
generous in his own sort of way, but he does not respond
well to authority.
Riker: You can tell all of that without even meeting them
?
Troi: Well unlike some of us, I have READ THE SCRIPT
!!!!!!!
Door: FFFFFFFSSSSSSSSssssshhhh
[Lister, Cat, Kryten, Geordi, Data and Wesley all burst
out of the turbo lift]
Kryten: Oh my heavens, It was tight in there !
Cat: Yeah, I'll never eat sardines again.
Data: I have to admit, It was rather void of free space.
Picard: Welcome to the USS Enterprise. I am Captain Jean
Luc Picard, this is my first officer [He points to
Riker], this is councillor Troi [He points to Troi
(amazing)] and I belive that you have already met
Security officer Worf.
Lister: Yeah, you could say that !
[Riker smirks]
Geordi: I belive there was something you wished to ask
Kryten, Captain
Picard: Ah yes. Tell me Kryten, why is it that your
artificially intelligent computer with a supposed I.Q. of
6000 is so stupid ?
Kryten: Well It is my theory that she is suffering from
an extremely advanced form of computer senility, It is in
fact just bad sectors on her 30000000Gb Hard disk system,
but over 3 million years of continuous use, I belive that
there are quite a lot of them.
Picard: How many ?
Kryten:...well....
Data: I calculate approximately 29999999Gb worth sir,
Which would leave her with only 1 Gb of memory and system
space available to operate on. Seeing as the A. I. System
takes 900 Megabytes this only leaves her with 100
Megabytes memory space, Hence her present IQ of about 12.
Picard: [Covering his face] Oh god, now I have two
babbling androids to contend with !
Kryten: I'm sorry sir, but I resent the insinuation that
I was babbling.
Data: So do I.
Cat: Would you please get on with the story before we are
all to old to be able to be in it.
Lister: Yeah I agree, lets cut the cryto-fashist crap and
do something about Holly's problem!
Picard: [looking up] Is there something we can do?
[ At this point Wesley and Data walk across the room and
sit at the Helm. The two that were previously there leave
via the "back door" (You know the one behind Worf)]
Kryten: Well, If I may be permitted to speak
Picard: Go on then [and then he mumbles] I know I'll
regret this.
Kryten: As Mister Rimmer's hologram projector and memory
works fine after 3 000000 years of use, I must assume
that the problem is non-physical, and just a question of
the drive's formatting coming undone, where as the actual
data tracks are perfectly intact.
Riker: Uh Huh [smirking and leaning on his chair arm]
Kryten:... In which case If we can somehow fix the file
allocation tables on the boot sector, holly would have
her proper memory and IQ restored.
Riker: Right !!....What did you say after hologram ?
Picard: Shut up number 1.
Wesley: I can do it .I can do it.
Everyone: SHUT UP WESLEY
Data: Sir, I belive that there is a piece of software on
release that can perform that function .
Wesley: I know what it is. I know what it is.....Lemmi
say it Data.. Go on Lemmi..please !
Data: It is called Norton Disk Doctor version 300.01
Wesley: AAaawwww I wanted to say it .
Picard: Shut up Wesley or I will demote you to toilet
cleaner.
Geordi: We don't have toilets, do we sir?
Picard: Of course we do.
Geordi: [turning away and looking embarrassed] And all
this time I used the garbage disposal chute.
Picard: Data, do we have this software on the ship?
Data: I do not know sir.
Picard: Worf, search the computer inventory for a Norton
Disk Doctor 300.01
Worf: Aye sir.
Picard: Until we find it, would you like a tour of the
ship? [He turns to Lister, Cat and Kryten]
Lister: Now that's more like it.
Cat: Yeah, tell me Captain, do you have any tailors on
board ?
Picard: Yes we have the best tailors in the galaxy.
Cat: AAoooww Lets go buddy.
Door: FFFFSSSssshhhh
[Picard, Cat, Lister and Kryten enter the turbo lift]
Picard: Number 1, you have the com.
Door: FFFFSSSSssshhhh
[Cut to outside of Enterprise, Play some music, then cut
to Rimmer and O'Blighty, still in the main engine room]
O'Blighty: And then the Klingon said "What
Tribble"....Hah ha ha ha ha ha ha [He can't stop
laughing]
Rimmer: Oh yes that's right you silly little Irish git,
It's bore Rimmer to death day, Everyone got up this
morning and said "What shall we do today? Oh I know lets
go and Bore Arnold Rimmer, he's good for a laugh".
O'Blighty: Oh yeah, then this other bloke came in, he was
a romulan, and said "OK who nicked the hatstand.." Ha ha
ha ha ha [He cracks up again]
Rimmer: Good grief
[Bob the scutter whizzes past followed by a football
sized tribble wearing deely boppers]
Rimmer: Well, there's something you don't see everyday.
[Switch to turbo lift entrance out side holodeck 3]
Door: PPPPPPPFFFFFFSSSSSssssshhhhhh... Crunk
[Picard, Cat, Lister and Kryten all come out of the lift]
Picard: [presses badge] Engineering, get someone up to
holodeck 3 to fix the turbolift door.
Voice on badge: Yes sir, we will as soon as we sort out a
minor problem that we have down here.
Picard: Who are you, and what is the problem ?
Voice: This is J.J Whittleschnide, Third technician. We
have a problem with a rather large Tribble wearing deely
boppers. It hasn't done anything yet, it just keeps
running around after a skutter.
Picard: Ok, inform me of any developments. Picard out.
Lister: So what's this place then?
Picard: This is a holodeck. In it any data can be
transformed into matter in the forms of any place, person
or object anywhere, as long as we have the simulation.
Lister: So say if I had a urge to go to a nudist beach in
the south of Spain ?
Picard: You could effective go there, although you would
be confined to the size of the holodeck.
Cat: So, what is it?
Picard: I just told you, It transforms nothing into
anything you want by altering it's molecular structure.
Cat: Ah [He turn to Kryten] So what is it?
Kryten: Well it converts places objects or people stored
as data in cyberspace into real living breathing beings.
Cat: Ah [He turns to Lister] So what is it?
Lister: Its a magic room
Cat: Well why didn't you say so.
Picard: We did !
[He presses some buttons on the wall]
Picard: Computer, set program to simulate Earth, ummm.
Computer: Place not recognised, please be more specific.
Lister: [Looks at Picard]
Picard: Go ahead.
Lister: Earth, England, Liverpool, Charley's Disco
Palace, Date 12 march 2434, about 9pm.
Computer: Please wait, program initialising.
[From the holodeck there are lots of strange hissing
noises and whirs]
Computer: Program complete, please enter
Holodeck doors: CLWOOOOOOOORAAAAAAAARR
Kryten: Hmm, an interesting noise, sort of a cross
between a whooosh and a cloooooaaar
Cat: [walking in] Hey this reminds me of the Better Than
Life total immersion game we played a few years ago.
Lister: Yeah , except this is real.
[They all enter. It is a loud disco with lots of people
all dancing and jigging around. Extremely loud Stock
Aitkin and watercress style music is blairing from the
PA]
Picard: I'm curious to why you chose this date and time
and this place. I must say it does not seem to suit your
style.
Lister: Well it' s where Chrissy Kachanski used to hang
out, and I know for a fact that she was here on this
night, at about 9.
Picard: Chrissy Who ?
Cat: His girlfriend before the accident.
Picard: Accident ?
Kryten: You mean you don't know yet ? Well the entire
crew of the Red Dwarf was wiped out by a nuclear
explosion caused by faulty work to the drive plate by a
certain Mister Rimmer. Christine Kachanski was the
Communications Officer, Lister here was a Third Level
technician and Mister Rimmer was a second level
technician, not a captain as he told you.
Lister: Kryten..
Kryten: I'm sorry sir, I guess that I have not got the
knack of lying just yet !
Picard: So how do you and the Cat fit in ? and how did
Lister here survive?
Kryten: Well, Master David here was safely in a stasis
booth for bringing his cat aboard at the time of the
explosion, and he was revived by Holly 3 million years
later. Now Holly being quite eccentric by now revived
Mister Rimmer as a hologram to keep master David company.
The Cat evolved from Master David's original cat and I
was rescued from a wrecked ship on a small planet's moon,
as were the starbugs.
Picard: Phew. I'm glad that's over with. So the hole that
you came through was a Time hole similar to that created
by using the famous "Sling-shot effect".
Kryten: Yes, except ours was created by a faulty
hairdryer
Picard: [Slaps his forehead] Now why did I even bother
asking ?
[The music changes to something a little more likeable]
Lister: Hey, there she is !
Cat: [Looking] Hey buddy I take back all that I said
about you having bad taste !
Kryten: Who is that with her ?
Lister: Oh that's Rimmer's lover, Yvonne Magruder.
Picard: [Beginning to "Bop" to the music] This music is
quite good !
Cat: [Spots another girl] Hey she' s nice
[The girl comes over it is Tasha Yar]
Picard:[Stunned] Leutenant is that you ?
Tasha: Watch it creep. Who the hell are you any way?
Picard: Whoa this is too weird, Computer .
Computer: Yes how may I help?
Picard: Pause !
Computer: Program Paused !
[All the computer generated activity stops]
Cat: AAAaawwww, I was just enjoying myself !
Lister: Yeah man, what did you do that for ?
Picard: That girl there was a member of my crew, until
the she got killed by an intelligent oil slick, Now she
is here in my holodeck talking as if she has never met me
!
Kryten: It is possible Captain, however unlikely it may
seem, that she was at this disco on the same night as we
have chosen to "step into " so to speak.
Picard: That would explain why she didn't know me.
Computer.
Computer: Yes
Picard: At what date did Leutenant Natasha Yar join the
Enterprise.
Computer: Stardate 4/......
Picard: NO not the stardate, the AD date.
Computer: July 13th 2445 9.30 A.M.
Picard: Thank you
Computer: Your Welcome !
Picard: See, we haven't even heard of each other yet, let
alone met !
Badge: Bllep Bllep
[Picard presses his badge]
Picard: Picard here
Voice of Worf: Sir we have located the software you
required, it is down-loading even as we speak
Picard: Down loading, where did you find it exactly ?
Voice of Worf: Starbase 24 kindly lent us a copy.
Picard: But that's Piracy
Voice of Worf: Yes ?
Picard: Oh never mind, It's for a good cause.
Voice of Data: Don't worry sir, I checked with the
publisher, They said it was Ok.
Lister: That was a public service announcement. Holy
Smeg, do you guys always do everything by the book ?
Voice of Wesley: Yes because we musn't be bad
Picard: Shut up Wesley. Computer. Save program position.
Computer: Please enter filename
Lister: Red Dwarf 1
Computer: Saving
Picard: Computer EXIT
[The holodeck doors appear from nowhere]
Doors: RWWCCCOOOOOOOOOSSSHHH
Kryten: Hmm.
Picard: Come on let's see if we can fix your computer.
[ They step into the turbo lift]
Picard: Transporter Room.
[Switch to Engineering, P.B Smedley , O'Blighty and the
other red-coats are all running around trying to catch
the tribble who is still chasing Bob the scutter]
Smedley: Come here you fluffy little........[He jumps at
it and lands on his chin]
O'Blighty: Eat this [He fires his Phaser at the tribble
and wipes out a small insignificant engineer.]
OOooppss....sorry !
Rimmer: Oh my god, they're like the keystone kops. Bob !
Bob: SQuuuurrreeep
Rimmer: STOP
[Bob squeals to a halt. The tribble stops and turns into
a 10 foot tall filling cabinet]
Everyone: Huh what the .....
[It then turns into a kebab, a lemon, a tennis racket, an
HP laser jet 4, a Sinclair ZX81, a banana, and finally
Frank Bruno]
Frank Bruno: Where' s Harry ?
[He runs off round a corner and disappears]
Rimmer: Thank god that's over with. O' Blighty or
whatever your name is, I want to see somewhere else now.
O'Blighty: How about the Phaser Range ?
Rimmer: Okie dokie.
[Switch to transporter room, Riker and Data are already
there, along with Transporter Chief O'Brian]
Riker: So the Klingon says.....
Door: PPPSSSSSHHHhhh
[Picard enters with the others]
Picard: Number 1, Data are you ready ?
Data: I have the computer disk here Captain
Riker: Sir, should we really do this I mean may be Holly
wants to be stupid (?)
Picard: Number 1, don't be stupid
[Picard, Data, Riker and Kryten step onto the transporter
pads]
Cat: Hey what is this thing?
Picard: Oh no, not again?
Lister: Yeah Is it safe ?
Data: Oh yes.....
[Lister and Cat step on to the two remaining pads]
Data: There is always a 0.0000001 percent chance that
your molecules will not rearrange correctly at the other
end though...
Picard: Energise..
O'Brian: Yes sir.
Lister: No wai...
[O'Brian moves his hand over the control panel and they
disappear]
Transporter beam:
VVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssSSSSSSHh
[Switch to science room of the Red Dwarf]
Transporter beam:
VVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssSSSSSSHh
[They all appear]
Lister: Whooa, freaky man.
Cat: I feel like I'm being drunk
Kryten: What's wrong with being drunk
Data: Just ask a glass of water !
[Picard looks questioningly at Data]
Data: A literary reference sir, It seemed appropriate !
Riker: Right, now let's get on with what we were doing.
Lister: Right. Hol
[Holly appears on the screen]
Holly: Yes Dave ?
Lister: Wer'e going to try to make your IQ 6000 again OK
Holly: Yeah so how you gonna do it ?
Lister: You don't want to know
Holly: OK so what do you want me to do ?
Lister: Just sit there and do nothing.
Holly: Seems easy enough
Data: Ok can I start now ?
Riker: Go ahead
Picard: I give the orders
Riker: Sorry sir
Picard: Go ahead Data.
[Data puts the disk in the disk drive]
Holly: 'Ere I hope that disk was virus checked
Data: Of course. I did it myself !
[He starts pressing buttons. A voice comes over the
system]
Voice: Norton Disk Doctor 300.01 Checking Program
Integrity............Verified. You may call me NDD.
Lister: What is this crap ?
Picard: SSSHHHHhhh
Cat: Hey that' s a great impression of your doors
Riker: Shush
NDD: Which drive do you wish to check ?
Picard: Um.....Data
Data: Please list options
NDD: Drive A: 567Megabyte Floppy Disk Drive, Drive B:
56Mb Floppy Disk Drive, Drive C: Main A.I. Drive 30000000
Gigabytes.
Data: Drive C: Please
NDD: Checking Boot Sector.....[WHIR WHIR] Boot sector
contains a few bad sectors, do you wish to correct the
problem
Data: Yes
NDD: Ok......Boot sector repaired. [Whir Whir] Checking
F.A.T.s...
Picard: What ?
NDD: File Allocation Tables Dummy !
Riker: Great, a program with an attitude problem.
NDD: I heard that ! Checking FILE ALLOCATION TABLES !!!!!
OOOOOOOOOhhh my goodness these are slightly up the
proverbial creek. I suppose you want me to fix them ?
Data: If you wouldn't mind
NDD: Oh well, I've got nothing better to do, This may
take a while..
Lister: Is this gonna work ?
Kryten : Well It should do, providing the problem is not
physical.
Cat: And if it is ?
Data: Then I am afraid that your Holly will not be fixed,
and will just continue to get worse until she is so thick
that she cannot remember how to switch her self on, and
will effectively be dead !
[Fade to black .....Time for some adverts again]
*--------------------------------------------------------
--*
The Weetabix ad' again.
The awful Capri Sun advert where the boy sticks the
drinks up his sleeves.
Radion Automatic Gets your blues whiter than white, and
your pinks and reds and.......
An advert for the next program
*--------------------------------------------------------
---*
Fade back to picture of Enterprise and Red Dwarf
Lister: Third technicians log. Well why not, everyone
else seems to do one of these so why not me ? The Bald
Eagle himself has zapped us all back to the Science Lab
on the Red Dwarf. Now Data the android is attempting to
fix Holly. Kryters, Cat and me , and the 1st officer old
smirk-a-lot himself are just standing watching as the NDD
as it calls itself does it's work.
[Cut to science room]
Data: How are you doing?
NDD: About half way there now?
Kryten: You mean after all of those adverts and Master
Davids attempt at a Log entry you are only half way
through ?
NDD: Well I'd be a lot faster if you lot would shut up
and leave me alone !
Picard's Badge: Bllep Bllep
[Picard presses the badge]
Picard: Yes what is it ?
Geordi's Voice: Sir, we've got an emergency situation
over here
Picard: What is it ?
Geordi's Voice: Well sir, First Frank Bruno burst into
someone' s quarters on the family decks and we have a
number of people saying that it turned into a 12 foot
tall monster, not unlike those from ALIENS and stuck this
long rubbery sucker thing to someone's head. That person
is now running around saying that he wants to talk and
set up poster campaigns to get rid of the monster.
[Lister looks at Cat. Cat looks at Kryten and then at
Lister]
Lister: Oh smeg, not another one
Picard: What do you know about this ?
Lister: It's a genetically engineered lifeform that went
slightly wrong, It's mad and feeds on emotions. It can
look like anything and changes it's shape to induce the
strongest emotions in its prey.
Data: That must be the genetic mutant that we detected on
our preliminary scan of this ship.
Geordi's Voice: Well what ever it is I think we need to
get it soon before it zaps anyone else.
Picard: Understood. Picard out.
Lister: Listen, no offence but you are gonna need more
than a couple of dustbusters and a few matchbox phasers
to beat this genetic mutant.
Picard: Ok what do you suggest ?
Lister: Follow me !
Data: Sir, I will stay here and mind the NDD
NDD: Oh I can't manage by myself eh ?
Picard: Ok so be it.
[Lister followed by Cat, Kryten Picard and Riker all
leave the room and head off down the corridor]
Kryten: Excuse me sir, but where are we going ?
Lister: To the armory to get bazookoids, where else ?
Cat: Yeah, No genetic mutant is gonna get the best of the
Red Dwarf Possy !
Picard: [To Riker] I think I'm going to regret this.
Riker: Nonsense sir, I think it will be quite fun !
Picard: You've been hanging around too many Klingons
number 1
[They reach a door marked Armory]
Lister: Open code 13223265qqxb7
[The door swings open]
Picard: How do you know that code, only the captain
should know that !
Lister: Ah well, Holly told me because she thought she
might forget it
Riker: Ask a silly question !
Cat: Right, grab your weapon. [he takes a bazookoid and
chucks it to Picard who gingerly catches it]
Picard: How do you use these ?
Kryten: Oh it's quite simple sir, just untag the binary
lock, adjust the thermoselector, flip the visipad and
press the finger sensi-touch switch, Ha so simple a baby
could use it.
Cat: He means switch of the safety bit. twiddle this bit,
look through the target and pull the trigger when the bad
dude is in sights.
Picard: Ah thank you ! Number 1 [He passes Riker a
Bazookoid]
[They all have bazookoids now and Picard presses his
badge]
Badge: Blip bleoooop
Picard: Damn the batteries are flat.
Riker: Don't worry sir, I'll do it [He presses his badge]
Badge: Bllep Bllep
Riker: Riker to O'Brian, Beam us over.
O'Brian's voice: Yes Sir.
Transporter Beam: VVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvssshhhHHHHHHHHHH
[They all disappear . Cut to transporter room on the
Enterprise]
Transporter Beam: VVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvssshhhHHHHHHHHHH
[They all re-appear]
Picard: How do we know what were up against ?
Kryten: Well I have configured this Bazookoid that I have
to act as a tracking device to track the shape changer.
It will sound a beep when we are near.
Lister: Great, Lets go and get it.
Riker: Well it would help if we knew where to start
Picard: Computer
Computer: Yes Captain
Picard: What is the location of the shape changer ?
Computer: It is currently on deck 4 corridor 2, heading
towards the storage deck.
Picard: Thank you.
O'Brian: I could beam you straight there if you want
Riker: May I suggest sir, that we power up our bazookoids
before we go ?
Picard: Make it so
[Everyone switches the big red "ON" switches]
Bazookoids: PPPIIIIIZZZZZZOOOOOIIIIIIIIIRRR
Picard: Energise
[O'Brian does his stuff]
Transporter Beam: VVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvssshhhHHHHHHHHHH
[They disappear, Cut to storage deck]
Transporter Beam: VVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvssshhhHHHHHHHHHH
[They all re-appear and wave their bazookoids around
gingerly]
Cat: Hey, looks like we beat him here
Lister: How do we know that it isn't one of these boxes ?
Kryten: My bleeper hasn't gone off yet, so we appear to
be relatively safe.
Bleeper: BLEEEP
Kryten: Whoops, looks like I spoke too soon !
Lister: Lets just be careful ok
Picard: Agreed.
Cat: What was that movement over there ?
Riker: It could be the alien
[They all spin and fire... A large hole appears in the
wall and Rimmer appears from behind some boxes]
Rimmer: What the smeg are you trying to do. Wipe out your
own ship ?
Lister: Yo, Rimmer, what are you doing down here ?
Rimmer: Well things started to get a little hairy in
engineering so I came down here to umm...
Cat: Hide?
Rimmer: Yes That's it !
Picard: WAIT !.... How do we know that he is the real
Capt.. I mean Technician Rimmer ?
Riker: We don't
Lister: Smeg
Kryten: Might I suggest asking your computer for help ?
Picard: Good idea, Computer, what is the position of
Cap..I mean Techn.. Oh Hell.. Where is Rimmer ?
Computer: Mister Rimmer is current located on deck 7 with
Leutenant O'Blighty !
Cat: Lets nuke it !
[Before any of them can fire, Rimmer/the alien turns into
it's real self and sticks a tube on Riker's head]
Kryten: Oh my..
[Riker falls to the ground, the alien turns into a
rabbit, then the Road Runner]
Alien: BEEEP BEEEP
[It sticks out it's tongue and takes off around the
corner]
Lister: Eat this you alien scuzbucket [He fires, but the
alien out runs the shot and disappears through a door,
which promptly gets blown away by the missile.]
Riker: What the hell hit me.
Picard: Are you OK?
Riker: Screw you, It's none of your business !
Kryten: Oh dear, It appears that the alien has stolen
Mister Riker's sense of politeness
Picard: [presses his badge] Doctor Polaski, could you
report to the cargo deck immediately
Polaski's voice: Yes sir.....Captain, how come I have not
been in this episode so far ?
Picard: Because you annoy me, now get down here ! Picard
out.
[Cut to Data in the science room of The Red Dwarf]
Data: Have you nearly finished yet ?
NDD: Yes I am nearly done fixing the F.A.T.s
Data: How long ?
NDD: About 2.3451minutes....Approximatly
Data: Ah, Thank you
[Holly appears on the screen]
Holly: 'Ere what's goin' on, I feel all wibbily
Data: Try to ignore it, your IQ will soon be restored to
6000
[Switch back to Picard and the others, Polaski enters]
Polaski: What happened ?
Kryten: The genetic mutant sucked the ability of being
polite out of mister Riker
Polaski: How is that possible?
Riker: Who cares you stupid old biddy.
Polaski: I'll have you know I am the same age as the
captain.
Riker: Exactly !
Picard: Right, that does it. Give him a heavy sedative
and take him to sick-bay. Kryten, is there any way to
reverse the process ?
Kryten: Well, the only way that I know of is to destroy
the alien
Lister: Yeah, It worked before
Cat: So what are we waiting for? Christmas?
Picard: Lets go. Doctor, I'll see you later
Polaski: OK
[Polaski guides Riker out through the remains of the
door. Picard, Cat, Lister and Kryten all walk towards the
alien's last position]
Picard: Is there any way we can determine exactly where
the alien is ?
Lister: Well we could ask your computer
Picard: No, it's too obvious
[Suddenly a small black ewok runs past]
Ewok: Dangggar ewoks..
Cat: Ahh. isn't that cute......
[The ewok turns into the 12 foot tall slobbering alien
and zaps Cat]
Cat: UUugghhh That's truly disgusting.. Why is everything
so UGLY ?
Lister: This time let's get it
[The alien turns into an extremely fast light cycle and
burns of down the corridor]
Picard: After it.
[They all race off after the alien/light cycle down lots
of corridors. Finally it turns off in to holodeck 1]
Picard: Now we have it. Computer, set program to alter at
our commands
Computer: Do you wish mortality override ?
Lister: What does that mean ? What are you doing ?
Picard: It means can anything get killed in there.. Yes
we do computer, we want to override the safety mechanism.
What I am doing is playing the shape changer at it's own
game. Anything we want we can have with this program. If
I said Give me a hyperlight speed potato for example, a
hyperlight speed potato would appear in my hands.
Lister: Excellent !
Computer: Program set.
[The doors open and they walk in, Cat is trailing behind.
The holodeck is still it's empty black with yellow lines]
Cat: Yeuch.. horrible
Lister: Why does he say everything is so ugly?
Kryten: His ability to like the look of things has been
removed
Picard: Where is the creature ? I can't see it
Kryten: It is here, perhaps invisible ?
Lister: Change background to woodland
[The background changes, a yellow and black alien shape
appears]
Cat: Fire !!!
Kryten: WAIT... Computer, set weapons to do no damage to
us or the holodeck, just the alien
Computer: Weapons set..
Cat: Now can I fire ?
Lister: It's too late, he's disappeared
Picard: Hang on, there's an extra tree there... Computer,
Give me a chainsaw
[A chainsaw appears in Picard's hands, replacing his
bazookoid. He starts it up]
Chainsaw: BBBBBbbbBRRRRRRROOOOOOOooommm.....
BBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz
Picard: Eat this you alien scum
[He slices at the tree which screams and turns into a
cricket ball. It then flys forwards and hits Picard on
the nose, knocking him senseless]
Cat: Computer... Baseball bat
[His bazookoid is replaced by a baseball bat]
Cat: Bye bye mister ugly
[He smashes the ball with all his strength, it flys into
the far wall of the "Forest" and the background shimmers.
The ball then disappears]
Lister: Smeg, we've lost him again
[Picard comes round]
Picard: Did we win yet?
Kryten: Not yet sir.
[Suddenly a man appears, he looks strangely familiar]
Cat: Who are you ?
Man: I am captain James T Kirk of the starship Enterprise
Picard: Computer, Phaser
[His chainsaw disappears and turns to phaser mark 3]
Picard: I don't belive you...Fire
[They all fire, but Kirk disappears with just a wound to
his arm]
Kryten: We have him wounded now, he may not have as much
control over the shape changing
Lister: Wanna bet
[King Kong appears and grabs at Picard, who ducks and is
just missed]
Picard: Computer, change background to New York Skyline,
and put us all in aeroplanes and the alien on top of the
empire state building
Lister: I like it..
[ The woodland disappears and is replaced by the New York
Skyline and small 1 man planes appear around Cat, Lister,
Kryten and Picard]
Cat: But I can't fly. especially not this rustbucket
Picard: It doesn't matter, the computer can !
Alien: Roar Roar
Lister: Yo computer, give me a bazookoid on the front of
this plane
[One appears, the alien swings at Kryten's plane, but
misses]
Lister: Eat hot plasma
[He fires about 22 rounds of missiles, each one a direct
hit, in what seems like a huge explosion of fur, slime
and light, they all hit]
[Finally the light dies down and the smoke clears, they
all sat, covered in red and green slime on the floor of
the empty holodeck, which is just yellow and black again]
Cat: Did we get it ?
Lister: Would somebody punch this guy out ?
Kryten: The alien has been eliminated
Picard: Yeuch, this stuff smells. computer, can you clean
this stuff up ?
Computer: Simulation Overload.. Re-enter command
Picard: Oh ......SMEG...I said Clean
Computer: Yes
Picard: This
Computer: Yes
Picard: Stuff
Computer: Yes
Picard: UP
Computer: Program set
VVVVVVVVVVSSSSSSSSsssssssssssssssssshhhhhh
[In a mass of light and colour the slime disappears and
they are all clean, their bazookoids are all lying on the
floor]
Picard: Computer...Exit
[The doors open and they pick up the bazookoids and walk
out. In the corridor, Riker, Rimmer and Leutenant
O'Blighty are all waiting.]
Riker: Well sir did you get it ?
[O'Blighty gets board and wanders off]
Picard: Oh we got it alright number 1, I don't think
he'll be back
[A woman walks past]
Cat: WWWooooooaaa, I'm off, see you later
Lister: Well he's back to normal....Cat, stay here.
Riker's Badge: Bllep Bllep
[He presses it]
Riker: Yes
Data's Voice: It's Leutenant commander Data here sir
Riker: Yes Data?
Data's Voice: Sir, the NDD has finished, Holly is ready
to be re-started
Riker: [to Picard] Sir should we beam over ?
Picard: Absolutely, I wouldn't miss this for the world
A Wet Pilchard: blurb lodfos blorud?
Lister : what?
Pilchard: Oh nothing I'm just in the wrong story
Kryten: What was that ?
Riker: Oh, just ignore it, it's the writer's younger
brother messing with the word processor !
Data's voice: Sir, are you coming over?
Riker: Yes Data,...O'Brian beam us over
O'Brian's voice: Yes sir!
Rimmer: Wait, it won't wor...........
Transporter Beam:
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvssssssSSSHHHHHHH
[They all disappear, cut to science room, Red Dwarf]
Transporter Beam:
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvssssssSSSHHHHHHH
[They all re-appear, except Rimmer]
Lister: Where's Rimmer ?
Kryten: Well, I can only assume that the transporter de-
activated his light bee and he is lying on the floor
somewhere
Picard: There is that him over there?
Cat: Yep
[He picks up the small pill shaped machine]
Rimmer's tiny voice: I suppose you think this is funny?
Get me back now!
Data: I'm sorry but we cannot, at least until Holly is
re-activated
Rimmer's tiny voice: What, why is she off line, have I
missed something
Lister: No man, you've missed everything , we even saw
Magruder !
Rimmer: Where ?
Lister: In the Holodeck, along with Kachanski and this
other girl called Yar.......or something.
Data: Really, Leutenant Yar is in our holodeck ?
Picard: We'll sort it out later Data, now get Holly on
line.
Data: But.... Oh okay sir......Red Dwarf Computer Access
Code 12D53Q6.3. engage re-initialisation sequence 323QA
[Lots of lights flash, screens go blank and finally.....]
Holly's voice: Sequence engaged.......[Her face appears
on the screen, except the dozy look has gone]...Blimy I'm
intelligent, I Know everything
Kryten: Okay then, why does bread always land butter side
down ?
Lister: Good one man !
Data: I know this one !
Picard: SSSssshhh Data, we want to see if Holly knows
Holly: The bread always lands butter side down due to the
wind resistance of the bread and the increased mass on
the one side of bread......Crikey......I never knew I
knew that !
Rimmer's voice: Get me back
Holly: Oh sorry, here we go.
[ There is a bright flash and Rimmer re-appears]
Rimmer: Ah, that's better, now lets go back to this
holodeck thingie and see Magruder.
Lister: And Chrissy !
Data: And Tasha.
Picard: Ah...Data, she will not remember you, the
computer simulation is from before she joined the
Enterprise
Data: Oh.
Cat: So, she won't remember you, so what, she's still
great to look at !
Data: That's not the same!
Cat: It is to me..
[Picard presses his badge]
Badge: Blooooop squoomm
Picard: Damn, I must get this fixed, Number one, get us
back !
Holly: I'll see you there !
Riker: [Pressing his badge] O'Brian, bring us back to
holodeck 3's entrance.
O'Brian's voice: Yes sir.
Transporter Beam:
VVVVVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvssssssssssssssSSSSSHHHHHHHHH
[They all disappear, and reappear out side holodeck 3,
except Rimmer ]
Rimmer's voice: I'm getting rather fed up with this !
[A hologram of Holly's head appears]
Holly: Ok Rimmer, you smeg head, If you ask nicely I'll
change you back
Rimmer: Please will you get me back ?
Holly: Ok....
[ There is a bright flash and Rimmer re-appears]
Rimmer: I hate that !, it's like being sucked up your own
nose and them being spat out of the end of a machine gun
!
Data: Holly, is there any way of updating a holodeck
simulation with data from a transporter beam file ?
Holly: Yeah, you just cross reference the transporter
file output with the memory files in the holodeck subset,
yeah you could make an exact copy of someone, as holodeck
matter only though !
Lister: What the smeg.....I'm lost.
Picard: Me too.
Riker: Huh ?
Cat: I don't care.....[he looks at his hand] Damn, I've
split a nail.
Data: What if you re-directed the output from the
holodeck to the main transporter beam memory banks ?
Kryten: The holodeck image would become real, and if you
programmed the nural input of the transporter creation
with the computer holodeck memory......
Data: The person would become real !
Holly: Yeah that'd work
Rimmer: Wait a minute, are you saying that you can create
things and give them memory from files ?
Kryten: That's roughly it sir !
Rimmer: Files such as hologram files ?
Holly: I s'pose so
Rimmer: Then I could become alive again !
Lister: And Chrissy and Magruder and Tasha whatshername,
and any one else that we have hologram or transporter
trace file for !
Holly: Exactly, so Rimmer, do you want to try it out ?
Rimmer: Ok.
Data: I'll inform leutanant O'Brian.
[He walks off towards the transporter room]
Holly: Rimmer, I'll have to de-activate you for a while.
Picard: Isn't there a risk involved ?
Rimmer: Wai....
[In a flash Rimmer disappears]
Holly: Oh yes, he could be permanently wiped from
existence
Riker: Do you think we should have told him?
Cat: Are you kidding ?
Lister: Yeah, I mean we want to see if it works, not wait
around a few million years to wait for him to make up his
mind !
Picard: You're right, I will file in my report that he
agreed whole heartedly, despite the risks
Riker: But sir, that's lying !
Picard: So, sue me !
Riker's badge: Bllep Bllep
[He presses it]
Data's voice: Sir, we are ready for the transfer
Holly: Ok, Interfacing with Enterprise computer now.
[A noise like a ZX Spectrum loading is heard]
Holly: 'Ere, your computer says how come I have got a
face and she hasn't ?
Picard: I don't know
Riker: Duh
Data's voice: Sir, I belive I can answer that
Picard: Go on then
Data's voice: The writers did not think of it
Cat: It figures
Lister: Can we get on with this please ?
Picard: Yes, Holly commence transfer of mister Rimmer
into holodeck matter and then true matter
Holly: Ok, hold on this might have a few weird side
affects.
Lister: Why ?
Kryten: Well we are fiddling with reality and well,
frankly, it's a bit dodgy !
Riker: How weird can it get ?
Holly: I dunno, lets find out.
[The lights dim and Rimmer's light bee disappears. A dog
appears on the ceiling and begins barking "I Should Be
So Lucky". Then the dog disappears and four middle aged
men dressed in overcoats with large backpacks turn the
corner, chasing a large red blob]
Picard: Who are they ?
Peter Venkman: Hey, are you kidding, Were the
GHOSTBUSTERS !
Egon Spengler: Nice ship you have here !
Picard: [stunned] Thank you
Winston Zedamore: Throw the trap Ray !
Ray Stantz: Ok Winston.
[He grabs a large black and yellow striped box from his
backpack, throws it down under the red blob and stamps on
the control pad, The box opens and a light beam sprays
out]
Ghost Trap: FFFSSFSFSFSFFHSHFSHHHHhhhhhh
Ghost: AAAAAaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhh...........
Ghost Trap: FFFFFFSFSFHHhhhhhhhhhTT
[The box closes and the blob is gone]
Egon: That was a mean one
Peter: It's miller time !
[The ghostbusters perform a "high 5" and disappear]
Lister: Well I'd call that pretty weird ! Are you done
yet Holly ?
Holly: Nearly...
[Wesley enters from a turbo lift, a large vat of custard
appears over his head]
Wesley: Sir, what is going on ?
Picard: Kryten, you explain.
Kryten: Well master Crusher, we are attempting to create
matter with holodeck matter and insert into it mister
Rimmer's personality and memory .
Wesley: Oh is that all.
[The custard tips out all over him]
Wesley: MMMmmmmmffffff
Cat: I think that means "I can't speak when I'm covered
with two tonnes of custard"
Lister: Brutal
Riker: I have wanted to do that for months
Picard: I've wanted to for YEARS number one !
[The vat and custard disappear, leaving Wesley clean]
Picard: Damn.
Holly: Right I've done it, he should be beaming in now
[Fade to black and adverts]
*---------------------------------------------*
'Ere they've 'Ad their Weetabix (AGAIN)
M&Ms Advert with lots of American kids and 50's cars
Coka cola with lots of American kids and 50's cars
Mars advert with lots of American kids and 50's cars
Tango advert with lots of American kids and 50's cars
*---------------------------------------------*
[Fade back to transporter room]
Cat's log: Goalpost head is beaming in, and I want some
food!
Lister: That's it ?
Cat: Well, it was better than yours !
Lister: It was not.
Kryten: Sirs, please stop this petty bickering
Data's voice: Why do I always miss it ?
[Picard, Riker, Kryten, Lister and Cat all step into the
turbo lift, Holly disappears]
Picard: Transporter Room
Lift: Yes Sir
[Cut to transporter room, Holly's head has appeared above
O'Brian and O'Brian is stood watching as the controls
activate themselves. Data is stood watching the
transporter. The others enter]
Picard: Data, how's it going ?
Data: The procedure appears to be going to plan sir,
although if there were a problem, we would not know yet!
Lister: That's reassuring.
[The transporter beam hums into action]
Transporter Beam:
vvvvssssssssshhhhHHHhhHHHhhhhhhhHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
[Rimmer appears]
Rimmer: Did it work ?
Data: [Scanning with a tricorder] It would appear so.
Lister: Are you really there man?
Rimmer: I think so, quick [stepping off transporter] give
me something to hold.
[Riker gives Rimmer his phaser]
Rimmer: [Looking stunned] I'm alive, I can touch, I can
eat, I can smell, I'M ALIVE
Cat: No kidding, but I prefered you when you were dead !
Picard: Holly, can we do this with the others now?
Holly: Ok, just tell me who, and I'll zap 'em back to
life.
Lister: Well, Chrissy and Magruder for a start.
Data: And don't forget Tasha !
Holly: Ok but things might be a little weirder than last
time if I do all three at once
Lister: I'ts alright, I'm kind'a getting used to it
Picard: I agree, we may as well get it over with, but
first let me inform the crew
Riker: Good idea, we don't want anyone to think that they
are crazy
Picard: Computer, give me the P.A.
Computer: OK, but only if I can have a face
Picard: Agreed, you can have a face, just like Holly's if
you like
Computer: Oh no, I want to be attractive. P.A. Is on !
Holly: Cheek
Picard: Crew, this is your captain speaking, things are
going to get a bit strange, infact down right weird for
the next few minutes, so don't be afraid, and above all
DON'T PANIC.
[He pauses] P.A. Off
Data: That reminds me of a famous 20th century piece of
literature that I once read
Riker: Haven't you read nearly all 20th century
literature Data?
Data: True, But this one was strangely different, it
described the people of the Betelguese system most
accurately, even down to the colour of their space craft,
it was suggested that the author himself was perhaps an
alien.
Lister: So.
Cat: Yeah, what has that got to do with anything ?
Data: I'm not sure, I was just babbling as usual
Holly: Can I do it yet?
Picard: Yes, please go ahead
Holly: Get ready, here it comes.
[ The lights dim once more and a large white 50's style
fridge appears beside O'Neil and starts singing about
gold.]
Lister: Freaky
Cat: Yeah, I agree, who would buy such an ugly
refridgerator, it looks like a white coffin
[The fridge disappears and is replaced by a squareish
robot]
Robot: Oh great, just when you think life can get no
worse, ping here you are on the transporter room of the
starship Enterprise.
Picard: How did you know that ?
Robot: I've got a brain the size of a planet, and he asks
me how I know that? Typical humans, think they know
everything and ask you how you knew that !
Lister: Shut up, you're worse than Rimmer
Robot: Well at least I have a sense of humour !
Cat: He does have a point.
[The robot disappears and a cartoon style italian looking
person appears]
Kryten: Ah, I know this one, you are Mario aren't you
Mario: Yes, what am I doing here, where is my house?
Lister: You tell me, where DO you come from ?
Mario: Why Super Mario Land of course.
Rimmer: Ask a stupid question
Mario: Must go now, bye bye
[He disappears and all appears to return to normal]
O'Brian: Is that it ?
Holly: No, almost done though.
[ Suddenly the transporter room background disappears and
is replaced by a seedy looking hotel lobby, there is a
tall balding man at the desk]
Man: Right, how can I help you ?
Data: Well, we don't need your assistance right now, we
are doing fine thank you
Man: OH well that's OK THEN, zapping into my hotel and
saying that you are FINE. [He starts to shout and go red
in the face] Fine FINE, How can you be fine, you just
appeared from nowhere and you are FINE ?????
Lister: Where are we anyhow?
Man: Torquay of course, where do you think you are, the
starship Enterprise ???
[ another man enters, except he is short and spannish
looking]
1st Man: Ah Manwell, do these people look fine to you
dressed in their silly futuristic clothes ?
2nd Man: Si, they are-a looking fine-a to me
1st Man: Look you Idiot, one has got a square head and
another one is yellow how can you say they are fine ?
2nd Man: Qua ?
[ A woman enters]
Woman: Never mind him, he's from barcelona !
Riker: I can't stand much more of this
Picard: I agree, Holly how long now ?
Holly: a few more seconds
Lister: Yo Matey, have you got a brochure ?
1st Man: Yes, Why ?
Lister: So I can stick it down your gob!!! Now come
here...
[The hotel disappears and the transporter room reappears,
the transporter hums into life]
Transporter beam:
VVVVVVvvvvvvssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHH
[ Chrissy kachanski, Yvonne Magruder and Tasha Yar
appear]
Chrissy: Where am I ?
Lister: You are here, with me where you belong !
Cat: YEUCK !!!
Rimmer: Magruder..
Magruder: Rimmsy
Picard: [Looks at Riker] Rimmsy ?
Riker: I agree with the Cat
Tasha Yar: Data, what am I doing here, we were just
beaming down to that awful planet with the living sludge
or whatever it was so where did everyone go, and who are
they [looking at Rimmer, Lister, Cat, Kryten, Chrissy and
Magruder]
Data: It's a long story, one which I will be happy to
explain in detail In my quarters over dinner
Tasha: Why mister Data, is that a proposition ?
Data: That was the intention
Picard: I prefered the Hotel, even with the grotty staff
!
Riker: At least it's all over with now
O'Brian: Sir, the computer is demanding that you give her
a face.
Picard: Holly, help her pick one out.
Holly: Ok, I love face shopping
Riker: Let's Eat
Rimmer: Great Idea, mine's a 12 course meal, I haven't
eaten in over three million years !
[ They all laugh, except Riker who just smirks. fade to
picture of exterior of the Enterprise and Red Dwarf]
O'Blighty's voice: And the Klingon said, What Tribble...
[Fade to the bar/disco on the Red Dwarf, everyone is
there, except Tasha and Data ( Strangly)]
Picard: O'Blighty..
O'Blighty: Yes sir
Picard: Remind me to get you a transfer to captain...
Riker: WHAT
Picard: Let me finish, captain of a class 10 garbage
ship, with only 1 crew member.
Lister: That's more like it, you know, I thought that you
guys would be really, well really...
Riker: Square ?
Lister: Yeah, but really you're not bad at all, a little
goodie goodie, but not too bad. Which just goes to prove
that you should'nt judge a cover by it's book
Kryten: Book by it's cover
Lister: What ever
Rimmer: That was a public service announcement. Really,
you guys are so sickly. You're worse than Rainbow Brite
riding a My Little Pony whilst playing with dollys.
Cat: Shut up H Head, or should I say Rimmsy
Kryten: Yes sir, where is Miss Magruder anyway ?
Geordi: From what I've seen of her, so to speak, she's
probably practicing her boxing with a gorrila.
Rimmer: She's not that bad
Worf: Well, I wouldn't go out with her, and I'm used to
Klingon women
Wesley: Well, what I wan't to know is howcome you lot all
get girls and all I get is a lollypop
Picard: Because you are only an ensign
Wesley: Lister's only a technitian, but he got a girl,
and a very nice one too.
Chrissy: Thank you, sweety [She pats him on the head]
[Riker smirks. Holly appears]
Holly: Alright, right, your computer has chosen a head,
but be warned, it might come as a bit of a shock
[The old holly's face appears (you know Norman whatsit)]
Computer: Alright dudes, what's goin' down in groove town
?
Holly: Sorry, the personality goes with the head
Picard: But I thought our computer was female ?
Polaski: It's whatever it want's to be
Computer: Ere I wouldn't mind a name either
Picard: I think Computer will surfice !
Riker: Don't be so boring, how about ARNOLD
Computer: NO, Computer is fine.
[ Computer disappears, along with Holly]
Picard: [to red dwarf crew] So, what are you going to do
now?
Lister: Well, weve still got a long way to go to get to
earth.
Kryten: Yes, It will take several years to get back at
the speed of the Red Dwarf
Rimmer: Yeah, but now I am alive and we have, shall we
say company, It won't be so boring.
Cat: Speak for yourself, who have I got ?
Picard: Ah well, about that, one of our female crew
members has requested if she can come along with you
Kryten: Which one ?
Riker: Oh, you don't know her, but her name is Leutenant
Tsu, she is over there bounce.... I mean dancing away.
[you can almost see Cats eyes pop out on stalks and the
famous bugs bunny style siren]
Cat: Bye Bye.
[He quickly moves over to the dance floor]
Kryten: That just leaves me.
Picard: Create yourself a series 2000 female mechanoid in
the Holodeck, and we will, realityise, if that is the
right word, her.
Kryten: [sort of grinning] Beam me up scotty !
[ He walks off, planning]
Lister: Cheers Mateys, It's been a good laugh.
Chrissy: Why so final, we will be on route to Earth, why
shouldn't the Enterprise stop off every now and then and
visit ?
Rimmer: Great, and maybe they can bring a picnic
...Yeuck, I think I'm gonna' be sick
Lister: I've been waiting years to do this
[He smacks Rimmer in the mouth, who promptly collapses on
the floor]
Picard: Normally I don't condone violence, but.......
[Cut to outside of ships, both heading towards the twin
suns of the system, a voice says "Who was that masked
man" and another says "Why that's Jean Luc Picard" and
the ships fly off into the sun set]
*************** T H E E N D*******************
(But left open for a sequal ?)
Message from the auther: I Hope you've had fun reading
this, I've certanly had fun writing it. If there are any
typos or weird sounding words, it's because I can't
spell, and neither can my spell checker. For example it
replaces Picard with Pilchard. What a pain !!!!
Please distribute in good faith, you can copy it, up load
it, down load it, do what ever you like as long as it
remains in it's original unchanged form.
Look out for a sequal incase I decide to write one, I'm
thinking about Battlestar Galactica meets Star Wars next
time, Interesting thought eh?
Cheers, and thanks to Nick Hatton for help with the first half of the
plot. Dan Powell for some of the typing and a bit of plot, Craig Bapty
and Nik Clayton for originally up loading it,and some plot stuff, and
also to anyone else who knows me for not having me commited (yet).
Look out for more from me in the near future:
Steve "The Mad Hippo" Lake
Ian Collier
>Picard: [Beginning to "Bop" to the music] This music is
>quite good !
What's this? It's got a good beat! :-)
Ian Collier
Ian.C...@prg.ox.ac.uk | i...@ecs.ox.ac.uk
Robert Sadler
Sounds more like ST meets the Mary Whitehouse experience.
--
Robert Sadler
There's a hoopy frood who really knows where his towel's at.
Paul Neve
I'd already started one of these! I have been posting it to the Star
Trek newsgroups as I went along, and have received a favourable
response there. Anyway, I didn't post it here as I haven't seen
creative material here before...
Anyway... It's not quite like the one already posted; mine is half
serious with all the characters staying in character...
Here goes...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Captain's Log, stardate 44182.7
We are proceeding at Warp 9 to the Kugos VI scientific colony where
research is taking place in regards to the creation of artifical worm-holes.
Starfleet Command recieved a garbled transmission from Dr. Shane Athem, the
otherseer of the colony, approximately an hour ago. He managed to establish
that the colony was under attack; unfortunately, contact was lost before we
could establish by whom. Since then no further communications have been
recieved with the colony, and the only tranmissions from this area have been
a strange series of audio tones. It is suspected that the Borg are involved;
a Ferengi transmission was intercepted by a listening post on the Federation
border, describing a group of cube-shaped ships passing through the nearby
Genetia sector and advising ships to avoid the area.
This information, like any intercepted from Ferengi space would usually
be taken with a pinch of salt at best, but the Borg are never to be taken
lightly. The use of the phrase "cube-shaped ships", plural, disturbs me
especially.
Mr LaForge and Mr Data have made extensive modifications to our weapons
since our previous communication with the Borg, but their improvements
remain untested and neither of them can guarantee that they will have any
effect on the Borg. Mr Data has also written a program that uses the
Enterprise's communication channels to transmit random pulses over the same
subspace domain that the Borg use to communicate, theoretically cutting off
the Borg's collective consciousness. The operative word is "theoretically";
as before, nothing is certain.
It may be that Kugos VI remains unharmed and that the loss of
communications is a mere technical malfunction. However, if the Borg are
involved, I fear the worst.
***
"Mr. Worf, any changes?"
"Negative, sir. We are continuing to recieve the same set of audio
tones from the vicinity of the colony, but no coherent transmissions."
"Analysis of the tones, Mr. Data?"
"Inconclusive," answered the android. "An unknown source could be
jamming the colony's communications, but if this is correct, they are
using an unknown technique."
"Mr LaForge, report your status."
Geordi's voice came up from Engineering.
"Everything's ready, Captain. The warp engines are ready to transfer
power to the phasers, but I still can't ensure that the capacitors will
be able to take that much power. If it is the Borg, we'll have to take
the risk."
"The shields?"
"I can give you a solid energy barrier for around thirty seconds using
Data's new software, but I can't predict how much power I'll need. We could
find ourselves a sitting duck after we've used it."
"Like you said, Mr LaForge, we'll have to take the risk. Bridge out."
Picard sat back in the command chair, feeling his apprehension grow
more acute by the second.
***
Athem burst in as the floor quaked under the Borg assault.
"We've got to get the out of here!" He looked closer at Drassum.
"What the hell are you doing?" he said. "You've started the tachyon chamber!"
He swerved quickly to avoid a piece of falling debris, tripping over the
wreckage of a computer console as he did so.
Drassum looked up for a second to glance at Athem. He continued to
punch buttons on his console as the attack intensified. As he did so, a
melodic hum began to fill the room, drowning out the sounds of explosions
and weapons fire.
Athem staggered over to Drassum and peered at the flickering text on
the computer screen. His expression changed to one of horror. "Are you mad?"
he cried. "You'll kill us all!"
Drassum pushed Athem away from him. "You don't understand! This is all
I've ever been able to get to work all my life! All my life I've worked on
this, and after years of failed experiments and miscalculated formulae I
finally perfect it, and this happens! Well nobody's going to stop me now!
Not you, not Starfleet, not even the Borg!"
Athem flew at Drassum, trying to tear him away from the controls.
"Don't you get it?" he screamed at Drassum's face. "Everybody will die!
You'll wipe out everything from here to the Neutral Zone! Don't do it!
We'll all die!"
"It'll work now, I know it will! This time I've got it right!"
"Don't be a fool! It's never worked before, why should it now? I'm
telling you, that equation will start a catastrophic chain reaction! Look
at those figures! For once in your life do something right!"
Drassum pulled away and punched in the final sequence. "That's it!" he
yelled triumphantly. "They'll see! They'll all see now! Mock my research,
did they? I'll show them!"
The console started to spark and the melodic hum which had been rising
to unbearable levels became a dischordant screeching. Drassum looked on in
amazment.
"No! It can't be! I did everything right! There's nothing wrong! Why?
Oh, God, WHY?!!"
He collapsed into a hunched up shape on the floor, sobbing.
Athem looked aghast as the containment chamber started to vibrate.
The metal was glowing red hot due the intense heat behind it.
Drassum got up and walked over to the console. He hit it hard, making
a visible dent.
"Why can't I ever get anything to work?" He punctuated his words with
another thump on the console. "Why won't it work?" Thump. "Oh, please,
make it work!" Thump. Thump. Thump!
Athem looked at the man in disgust. He stomped towards Drassum, landed a
swift uppercut on his chin and ran out of the room.
The quivering mass that was Drassum remained where it fell.
***
"Captain! Single Borg vessel, firing at the colony!"
"Visuals." The familiar cube shape appeared on the screen.
"Mr. LaForge, are you ready yet?"
"Sorry, Captain," said Geordi. "You'll have to wait a few more minutes,
I'm having trouble recalibrating the shield and phaser neutonals to
compensate for the power increases..."
Worf interrupted.
"Borg vessel has changed the direction of its attack. Now firing at...
Captain, the Borg are firing on a convoy of shuttlecraft!"
"Hurry it up, Mr. LaForge!" Picard looked at Riker.
"Let's give them something to shoot at that fights back," said Riker.
"Agreed, Number One. Helm, take us past them at full impulse, then hit
them with full photon torpedo and antimatter spreads."
The Enterprise shot past the Borg and let fly with everything it had.
The fireworks that occurred looked very impressive, but the Borg took it
in their stride, and retaliated by unleashing their cutting beam. Picard
was ready.
"Evasive!" he barked.
The Enterprise dived sideways, flinging itself clear of the Borg
weapon with mere feet to spare.
"Missed!" crowed Riker. The Borg cutting beam re-targetted, proving
Riker wrong even as he uttered the word. Picard was almost thrown from
his seat at the Enterprise shook violently. The beam tore right through
the shields and carved a huge gash in the secondary hull.
"Shields have failed," reported Worf.
"Geordi, where's that extra phaser power?" asked Riker.
"It's coming! I'm channelling warp power to the phaser banks... now!"
Worf watched his console in amazment as the phaser levels climbed to
impossible levels. He stabbed the controls; a wide beam of energy flickered
into being between the Borg ship and the Enterprise, engulfing the cube
shaped vessel in a crackling sphere of energy. The Borg ship shuddered
visibly.
"We have breached the Borg's subspace field," reported Data.
"Hit them again," ordered Picard. "Let's see if we can do some damage."
Data was just executing the command when the lighting on the bridge
increased to an unbearable insensity. All the controls went dead.
Then everything went black...
***
At about this time, Kryten was hoping that Starbug's controls would go dead;
after all, a ship with no controls had to be safer than one with Rimmer as
its pilot.
"Look Kryten, that asteroid shouldn't have been there, that's all there
is to it. You just can't face being wrong, admit it."
Kryten considered telling Rimmer exactly what he thought of him, but
decided against in. Mechanoids who use that sort of language never get
into Silicon Heaven, he thought. He sure was regretting offering to give
Rimmer flying lessons. It had turned out that Rimmer had never actually
passed his shuttle piloting test. Upon close examination a large blob
of Tippex was apparent on Rimmer's Pilot's License, and when this had been
dissolved it was clear that the word that had been obscured was
"provisional".
After a month or so of piss-taking by Lister and the Cat, Kryten had
taken pity on Rimmer and offered to give him lessons. One set of holographic
controls later and Rimmer was in business.
Or rather, he wasn't. Kryten had actually lost count - no mean feat for
a mechanoid - of how many near misses Starbug had endured with Rimmer at its
holo-controls. He could remember Rimmer narrowly avoiding Red Dwarf itself,
several gas giants, three stars, two asteroids (this was the third), a
two mile long Coke can, and a small statue of Elvis Presley, (Rimmer managed
to find potential targets to collide with that defied sanity) but after this
lot the other mishaps all sort of dissolved into one. Kryten was gradually
losing his patience; another mean feat for a mechanoid.
"Mr Rimmer, sir, perhaps it would be better if we packed up for today
and continued another time. Mr Lister will be getting worried."
"Lister getting worried? He wasn't even out of bed when we left."
"Well, we did leave at 5 am. I think that's just a teeny bit early."
"Time waits for no man." Kryten looked confused. "Julius Caesar said
that, Kryten."
Kryten was sure he didn't, but failed to see the point in arguing.
Rimmer took his silence as a cue to perform a loop-the-loop, which he
fluffed up miserably, almost smashing into the same asteroid again.
"Sir, I really must ask you to be more careful!" said Kryten, his face
full of worry.
"I'm always careful Kryten, you should know that by now."
"Well, you're doing well for a beginner," said Kryten, not wanting to
hurt Rimmer's feelings, "but if you can't avoid asteroids on your test then
in all likelihood the examiner will fail you."
"I didn't see it. Anyone can not notice a little bitty asteroid on a
screen. How was I supposed to notice it?"
"Well sir, how about me shouting 'Mind the asteroid' in your left ear?
Didn't that suggest to you that all was not well?"
"I didn't hear you."
"Well, the flashing red alert lights?"
"What flashing red alart lights?"
"The loud siren noise and Starbug's navigation system shouting 'alert'?"
Rimmer looked at the mechanoid through narrowed eyelids. "You're
jealous!" he exclaimed.
"I'm sorry, Mr Rimmer?"
"You're jealous because I'm a better pilot than you are after just three
lessons."
Kryten was somewhat taken aback by this. "I don't think that's quite the
case," he spluttered. Not only was Rimmer a slightly worse pilot than Dan
Quayle's grandmother, but they had actually been on 623 lessons. Kryten's
programming was kicking in now; "don't offend the human, don't offend the
human," it droned. Kryten wanted to call Rimmer a smeg at unfeasibly loud
volumes, but that probably came under the category of 'offending the human'.
"I can't be jealous," he said. "After all, I'm a mechanoid."
"Well Lister's being teaching you how to lie, so how do I know you're
telling the truth?"
Kryten stuttered incoherently. "Well, sir, er... sir... um... er, sir,"
he declared.
"What's wrong, Kryten? Got hiccups?" said Rimmer sarcastically, as he
went back to the controls. Kryten knew that Rimmer had returned to his flying
without even looking over at him because Starbug started to shudder violently.
Kryten sat back down, and started to practice saying "smeg". Lister had told
him to keep practicing, especially when he was with Rimmer. Despite putting in
many hours' worth of work he still couldn't get it right.
Starbug started to shake from side to side, meaning that Rimmer was
actually trying to steer the ship in a course other than a straight line.
***
The lights returned at half strength but only a small number of the
computer displays came back on. The main viewscreen remained black.
"Damage report, Mr. Data?"
"Uncertain, Captain. We appear to have been attacked with a precisely
focused subspace pulse, which has neutralised our main computer system.
I am attempting to compensate using the backup systems."
"Any other damage, Data?" asked Riker.
"This is also uncertain, Commander. At the moment I cannot obtain any
accurate data from the computer."
"What about the Borg? Did they generate the pulse?"
"Unlikely, sir. They appear to be suffering similar effects to their
systems."
Data's fingers danced over the controls and the main viewscreen flickered
back into life. The picture was full of static, but it was plain to see that
the Borg were having even more difficulties than the Enterprise. The Borg
vessel was spinning towards the surface of the planet, hopelessly out of
control.
"I would hypothesize that the Borg place far more dependence on their
computers than we do; this would explain why they appear to have been
affected more adversely than we have."
Data's words went unheard as the rest of the bridge looked on in
amazment, watching the Borg spiral ever more out of control.
"Borg vessel will enter Kugos atmosphere in exactly ten seconds,"
announced Data.
Before it hit the atmosphere, a strange distortion appeared in the
Borg's path. It crackled with energy, flashing a cascade of swirling colours.
The Borg vessel span straight into the centre of the distortion. To the
eye, it shrank slowly, then it quickly compressed into a single point,
vanishing unexpectedly in a burst of blinding light.
The Enterprise crew maintained an amazed silence for several minutes. It
was Data who, once again, finally broke the silence.
"Captain, I have achieved limited access to the sensor controls. The
distortion appears to be a worm-hole of some kind, but it is unlike any we
have previously encountered."
"Have they done it?" asked Riker. "Have the Kugos team actually created
a stable worm-hole?"
Riker and Picard looked at each other. Both of them remembered at
exactly the same time.
"The shuttles!" they exclaimed. Riker looked at Data. "Have you
got them?"
"I cannot find the shuttles on any of our operational sensors."
"Wait!" called out Worf, pointing at the screen. "What's that?!"
***
"You're not watching, Kryten. You're supposed to tell me my mistakes."
"Smeeeee... smeeeeeeeeeggggg, smeeeee! Oh, it's no use, I just can't
get it right!"
"What ARE you talking about? Are you watching me or not?"
Kryten was lost in concentration and wasn't listening. His whole face
screwed up with the sheer effort he was putting into his work.
Rimmer quickly swerved to miss a white giant star. Good job Kryten
hadn't seen that, he thought. I can avoid things, if I try!
In his jubliation at his first major solo success Rimmer completely
failed to miss the big wobbly temporal distortion thingy that had suddenly
appeared and flew smack bang into the middle of it.
"Er, Kryten?"
"Smeee, smeeeee.... what have you hit now, sir?"
"Well... I haven't actually hit it."
Kryten looked up. He looked at what was going on outside. He looked
over at Rimmer.
"Well you can't hit something that isn't solid," explained Rimmer.
"SMEEEEEEEGGGGGG!!!!"
Suddenly they entered the heart of the big wobbly temporal distortion
thingy and felt the universe come apart around them and their feet leak out
of their nostrils.
Starbug vanished amidst a dazzling array of special effects which would
have been utterly beyond the BBC's budget.
***
Lister knocked on the door.
Silence.
He opened the door slightly. "Cat?" he called.
Still no answer.
Lister opened the door wide and walked into the room. The Cat sat in a
trance, unblinking, looking at something with a rapt expression on his face.
Lister followed the Cat's gaze.
The Cat was staring at a full-size holographic image of himself.
"Cat?" asked Lister again.
The Cat remained entranced by himself.
Lister tapped Cat on the shoulder.
Not a peep. Not a single twitch.
Lister reached down and pulled the mains plug of the holographic mirror
out of its socket.
The Cat yowled and jumped five foot into the air. He whirled round to
face Lister.
"Don't ever do that again!" shrieked the Cat. "I've never been so
scared in all my life!"
"What are you going on about? I only turned your holographic mirror off.
Something's come up."
"Worth interrupting a mirror session for?" asked the Cat. "Didn't you
consider the trauma that'd put me through?"
"But Starbug's disappeared from our scopes," said a confused Lister.
"So?! I'll have nightmares for a month now! Sheesh, some people have
got NO consideration!" grumbled Cat. "If I don't get at least three hours'
self-admiration time a day, I get all stressed out and panicky!"
***
Meanwhile, Rimmer had found himself abruptly transferred to the
holographic generation chamber aboard Red Dwarf. Where moments before he
had been piloting Starbug, he had suddenly found himself here.
He sat on the step for a while, considering the events leading up to
this. The piloting lesson with Kryten. The narrow miss with the asteroid.
The second narrow miss with the SAME asteroid. The utter non-miss with the
big temporal wobbly thingy. And he had to admit, as non-misses went, it was
a biggie. It was a whopper. A giant flame-grilled whopper of a non-miss.
In fact, it was such a gigantic non-miss even Rimmer begrudgingly had to
class it as a hit.
Eventually, Rimmer came to a conclusion.
"Oops," he declared.
This just about summed things up nicely.
He looked around the chamber once more. "Oops," he confirmed.
Rimmer got up and toyed with the holograph controls. This was a real
control panel with a holographic projection of itself superimposed over
it, which allowed holographic crew members to use the console. Despite
actually being a hologram, Rimmer knew rather less about holographic
hardware than he did about, say, the Norwegian leather industry. He could
name every single recipient of the Hammond Organ Player of the Year Award
since 1926, but did not really know what "Temporal location of alternative
holographic generator identified - translating data for remote execution"
meant. This would have been a rather handy thing to have known at this
time, because this is exactly what had just appeared on the screen.
***
"Sensors indicate that it is a ship of some kind." said Data. "I cannot
identify its design, as the computers are still inoperative. However, I do
not personally recall having encountered a vessel of this type."
The small green wasp-shaped vessel continued to drift closer.
"Is it anything to do with the Borg, Data?" asked Riker.
"Unlikely, sir. The level of technology is too primitive."
"Any lifesigns?"
"I cannot obtain accurate readings. However, there is an Earth-normal
atmosphere aboard the vessel."
"Number One, prepare an away team," said Picard. "Make sure they're
armed; we don't know what we're dealing with here. Best take Dr. Crusher
as well; there may be casualties."
***
The idea of asking Holly for help had crossed Rimmer's mind, but
that would have been embarassing. A hologram having to ask a senile
computer about holograms? No way, thought Rimmer. He was sure that
he could figure out what "Translation routine complete - ready to
transfer RIMMER.EXE to external system" meant. Arnold Rimmer, BSC
(Bronze Swimming Certificate) could deceipher a sentence of computer
jargon, surely?
A largish button marked "Transmit" on the control panel started
flashing and Rimmer hesitated with his finger over it. Then another
button caught his eye; it was labelled "Help".
Great, thought Rimmer, and pressed it.
"An alternative holograph generator has been located closer to
the intended potential temporal location of RIMMER.EXE than the
current actual temporal location of RIMMER.EXE," explained the computer.
"Press Transmit to transfer control of RIMMER.EXE to the potential site.
Press Cancel to return control to the default holograph execution system."
Well that certainly clarified things.
He noticed that the legend next to the button he had just pressed now
said "Help on Help". He pressed it.
"Press Help to get help," elaborated the computer.
"Ah," said Rimmer.
He bent over the controls, unable to decide what to do.
***
"What the smeg is it?"
"I'll tell you what that is," said Cat. "That is the most uncool
spaceship in the galaxy!" Having delivered these words of wisdom, the
Cat went back to doing his fingernails.
"Any lifesigns, Hol?" asked Lister. Holly's face appeared on one
of the screens.
"I can't tell," said the computer. "The time distortion's blocking
my signals."
"Where's the two heads?" inquired the Cat, not taking his eyes from
his nail file.
"What? What heads?"
"Novelty condom head and Bonehead? Where are they? Are they on board
that flying Rubik's Cube?"
"Rimmer's in the holographic generation chamber," announced Holly. "I
think he must have snapped back here when Starbug disappeared."
This was news to Lister. "Rimmer's where?" he spluttered.
"He's in the holographic generation chamber," repeated Holly.
"Stay there, Cat!" said Lister. "Keep your eyes on that ship". He
sprinted towards the Hologram Chamber.
"Sure thing," said the Cat, once Lister had gone. Then he strolled
nonchalantly back to his room and turned his holographic mirror back on.
***
Rimmer was going to flip for it.
He had got Holly to generate a holographic coin. Heads for "Transmit",
tails for "cancel". He flipped the coin.
Tails. Cancel.
Come to think of it, thought Rimmer, that was probably the most prudent
thing to do. Cancel usually means don't do something, and when you don't
know what the something is, doing it isn't really a great idea.
His finger stopped a millimetre away from the cancel button.
What if cancel meant cancel program. ie, cancel him!
Best of three, thought Rimmer and flipped the coin again.
Tails. Cancel. Still.
Oh, what the hell, thought Rimmer, and made to press the button.
Suddenly Lister burst in.
"What the smegging hell is going on here?"
Rimmer whirled round to face Lister and in doing so, nudged the
transmit button.
Rimmer had approximately 0.02 seconds to realise what he had done
before his holographic image shimmered, flickered wildly and vanished in
front of Lister's eyes.
***
The away team materialised into a cramped control room. There was not
a single panel that was undamaged; even the chairs that the pilots would
sit on had been torn from the floor and twisted out of shape, almost
beyond recognition. The display screens were all smashed, and the controls
were buried beneath a massive chunk of metal that had fallen through the
top of the craft.
Riker looked round slowly. He whistled.
"My thoughts exactly," said Dr. Crusher. "It's a wonder they're still
maintaining an atmosphere."
Riker looked at Crusher. "Any lifesigns?" he asked.
She looked up from her tricorder. "Yes... and no. It's not quite
registering as a lifesign, but definitely has organic components."
"Where?"
"Through there," she replied, pointing towards a doorway.
Riker made to walk through, but Worf held him back.
"Let me go and check first," said the Klingon. "As the Captain stated,
we do not know what exactly is out there." Riker considered, then nodded.
Worf walked through the door.
A pause.
Then an inordinately polite voice said, "Excuse me sir, I'm terribly
sorry to bother you, but would you be so kind as to remove this control
panel from my head?"
***
"What the smegging hell is going on here?" repeated Lister. He walked over
to the hologram controls and looked at the display. Unlike Rimmer, he had
no qualms about asking Holly for help.
"Hol, what's this going on about?"
"Rimmer's program's been transferred to an alternate holographic
generator," answered Holly.
"Why?"
"Well, because he told it to!"
"What a prat!" But then, Rimmer's claim to prathood was one that was
firmly established, and this statement was therefore nothing new.
"Can't we just get him back from here?" asked Lister.
"No, you've got to send him back from the alternate site."
"Alternate site...? We've only got the one hologram chamber, so where's
Rimmer gone?"
"How should I know?"
Lister considered, then suddenly it hit him.
"The flying brick! It must be on board that!"
Lister started to sprint back to the control room, realised that he
was actually EXERCISING by running, and adopted a more leisurely pace.
When the ship started shaking he started to walk briskly. It was not
until the sound of distant explosions reached his ears that he started
to run again.
***
Kryten looked up into what was positively the worst case of space mumps he
had ever seen.
"I am Lieutenant Worf of the starship Enterprise."
"Pleased to meet you, Mr. Worf. I know a good cure for space mumps."
Riker and Crusher walked in and gave Kryten curious looks. Kryten looked
over at Riker.
"Are you this man's commanding officer? Shame on you! He shouldn't be
working, he should be resting! Can't you see he's ill?"
Riker looked at Kryten with his mouth wide open.
Worf spoke up. "I am a Klingon," he explained.
Kryten looked horrified. "You really mustn't put yourself down like
that!" He glared at Riker. "What have you been doing to this poor man to
break his spirit like that?"
Riker's chin dropped down another two notches.
"Worf isn't ill!" said Crusher. "He always looks like that."
"Why?" asked Kryten. "Were you involved in some horrific accident?
Have you ever thought about corrective surgery?"
Worf's head filled with visions of pounding this person's strange
shaped head against the floor, but decided that it wouldn't really go down
well with Riker.
"No, that's what he's SUPPOSED to look like. He's a Klingon, not a
human." Crusher considered the most tactful line of approach, then went on.
"We're a bit confused about how you look, though. What exactly ARE you?"
Kryten had always thought that the Infomax Data Corporation was so
massive that even the few primitives left untouched by civilisation
in the South American rainforests would have recieved at least one
piece of junk mail from them during their lifetime, so was surprised at
the question. Rather than answer it, he asked another question.
"Could you please pass my left leg, sirs?" He motioned towards the
limb in question.
Dr Crusher looked at the leg, picked it up and scrutinised it closely.
She ran her tricorder sensor over it.
"This is extraordinary," she murmured. "Commander, this ...person... is
a mechanism!"
***
The Cat looked at the apparition of beauty that was himself.
The ship shook around him, but nothing distracted him from his task.
He had three hours of self-admiration to get through and nothing was going
to stop him. You'd have to drag him kicking and screaming to get him away.
Without warning, someone materialised in front of his holographic
mirror.
"Hey! Get out my way!" burst out the Cat in surprise. "Do your unexpected
materialisations someplace else!"
The Cat looked at the newcomer closely.
"Hey man, have you any idea how uncool you look in all that metal?"
The newcomer did look severely unfashionable. He could beat Rimmer at
being the most unfashionable prat in the known universe, thought Cat. If
he was trying to achieve a futuristic look, he'd arsed it up no end. It
looked as if the guy had just stuck metal and electrical components all over
his body in complete disregard to all fashion considerations.
"Cool is irrevelent," said the newcomer.
Cat couldn't believe his ears. He couldn't allow that to go unpunished.
He retaliated. "You're so unfashionable, it hurts my eyes to look at you!"
He turned to face Cat. Then he said it. The phrase the Cat would have
nightmares about.
"Fashion is irrelevent."
"BLASPHEMY!" yelled the Cat in a religous frenzy, and launched himself
at the Borg.
The Borg swatted him away as if he was no heavier than a feather; he
landed in a heap in the corner. The Borg made towards him. Cat started
to grovel.
"Okay man, I take it back. You're slick, man! You're cool! You're
positively chilly! Man, is that a fashion statement or what? Where can I
get one of those outfits?"
The Borg drew nearer. He still looked utterly uncool, it was just
now he looked extremely menacing as well.
***
Picard had seen many strange variations on the humanoid form during his
travels, but this one had to be one of the strangest. The man's head
looked as if all the curves had been removed and replaced with right
angles.
He struggled to keep his surprise at the man's appearance from showing.
"I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard. Welcome aboard the Enterprise." He held
out his hand for Kryten to shake.
"Have you ever thought about wearing a wig, sir?" asked Kryten. "Wait a
moment... I think I have one in here." He released a catch on his side and
his stomach compartment opened. Then he put his hand in, withdrew something
that looked like an old English sheepdog and plonked it on Picard's
head.
Kryten stood back to admire his work. He smiled at Picard. Picard stood
there, flabbergasted, with his hand still extended.
"That's much better," said Kryten. "No-one would ever know that was a
wig." Picard made to speak. "Oh, there's no need to thank me," admonished
Kryten. "I'm just doing what a mechanoid should, serving humans." He
flipped his stomach shut.
The Enterprise personnel all did perfectly serviceable impressions of
guppy fish at feeding time. Then Picard came to his senses.
"Mr Worf!" he barked.
Worf was oblivious to Picard. He was still in a daze.
"Worf!"
Worf stiffened. "Sir?"
"Take this... individual... to the brig!"
Worf grabbed Kryten's arm and frogmarched him away. Kryten was still
beaming from ear to ear.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well... opinions, compliments, flames, anybody?
Part 3 (this is parts one and two) should be ready within the next
fortnight...
Email (INTERNET): cs_...@ceres.king.ac.uk
-------------------------------------+-------------------------------------
This post is shareware. If you read | "Pleased to meet you, Mr. Worf.
it and like it you are required to | I know a good cure for space mumps."
send me 5 pounds registration fee. | (Kryten, upon meeting Lt. Worf)
-------------------------------------+-------------------------------------
Paul "Insanity is an art form" Neve
Jessica Raine
--Jess
Kerr Avon
(well, so far, at any rate).
-be seeing you!
--
| Thor Thomas a.k.a. Kerr Avon Internet:tth...@nyx.cs.du.edu |
| ------------------------------------------------------------------- |
| DISCLAIMER: As always, should I be caught or killed, the secretary will |
| disavow any knowledge of my actions. |
Kevin Charles Rubio
In article <1jmlgr...@mercury.kingston.ac.uk> cs_...@king.ac.uk (Paul Neve) writes:
> "Have you ever thought about wearing a wig, sir?" asked Kryten. "Wait a
>moment... I think I have one in here." He released a catch on his side and
>his stomach compartment opened. Then he put his hand in, withdrew something
>that looked like an old English sheepdog and plonked it on Picard's
>head.
[...]
> "Take this... individual... to the brig!"
I quite enjoyed the story. For the most part the characters act
properly, but not at this point. I really don't think Picard would
throw someone in the brig simply for putting a wig on his head.
I'm not sure about the handshake, either. Kryten should have worried
about Rimmer before leaving StarBug, too, but that can be written in
by having an away team member say that Kryten had mentioned another
crewmember of StarBug.
Cat was a sinner -- the cat religion was not to be cool, and to be slobby.
So, perhaps `sacrilege' isn't a good word to have used, although his fervor
is quite apt, and very amusing indeed.
Of course, the idea of a stable wormhole (of distance rather than dimension,
though) has been used already, as part of the premise of the new Star Trek
series, "Deep Space Nine."
I look forward to future episodes, though! Rimmer may finally get his
dream, to meet aliens -- if he gets a chance to meet any. I expect he'll
be a bit surprised that the Borg and Klingons are not exactly Quagaars!
--
Email replies must be sent to kee...@deeptht.armory.com
Glen Barnett
me a while to work out what you meant.
Glen
Mr. R.M. Wood
second one.
The second one of these was MILES better then the first 'effort'
(2800 lines and it never once occurred to the writers that it
was crap!).
They both suffered (the 2nd only slightly) from simply re-hashing
old RD jokes instead of making up their own. Come on lads, you're
supposed to make up a story in the STYLE of RD - not just nick
jokes (and storylines : Polymorph, Restoring Holly's IQ etc.) from
the series.
The first was also too childish (I often get accused of being too
childish myself, but some of your stuff even made me cringe
(Ghostbusters, Mario, the rest of it)).
Incidently, how long did they both take to write?
The reason I am so interested in these articles is that I am trying
to write a book myself, and wondered about the quality of jokes that
other amateurs could come up with. After reading the first RDMST
article I couldn't believe that I was ever worried! The second one
was good though - perhaps the writer should turn his hand to writing
something completely original!
Sorry if I've upset any/everyone (again!).
Bobby `Dirk for PM!' Wood.
Steve M Lake
actually written in late '91, so that explains why the StarTrek bit
was out of date. And I agree, some of the jokes were re-used RD ones
(OK most of them) and I also agree, looking back on it, it was a bit
crap. But It's a laugh innit ???
BTW I'm going to write another one, seriously this time, which
,hopefully, you should find more entertaining.
Just to underline the fact, the first one was written as a joke and a
*Parody* (which _Means_ it's not exactly true to form) so don't take
it too seriously.
-Steve
Jon Roch-berry
>Read the ENTIRE first one of these, but only the RD bits of the
>second one.
>
>The second one of these was MILES better then the first 'effort'
>(2800 lines and it never once occurred to the writers that it
>was crap!).
>
>They both suffered (the 2nd only slightly) from simply re-hashing
>old RD jokes instead of making up their own. Come on lads, you're
>supposed to make up a story in the STYLE of RD - not just nick
>jokes (and storylines : Polymorph, Restoring Holly's IQ etc.) from
>the series.
Hold on, are we talking about the one distributed on FidoNet as REDTREK.ZIP
where they use NDD to restore Holly's IQ, beat the Polymorph in the Holodeck,
and use the transporter to bring back Crissie? The first time I read it, I laughed a lot & really enjoyed it.
Ok, it wasn't *so* good when I re-read it last week.
>
>The first was also too childish (I often get accused of being too
>childish myself, but some of your stuff even made me cringe
>(Ghostbusters, Mario, the rest of it)).
>
Ok, it does look that way now, but it was quite fun when it was first posted.
I assume the 2nd one is the one posted a few weeks ago, that was `to be
continued...'? Has it been, or have I missed the 2nd post?
I think both suffer from something that writers often take a while to learn -
you don't have to have something happening all the time. Its ok to fill in
details & take it easy, rather than having each plot point one after the other.
I thought both were a bit frantic. Having said that there were some very funny
parts in both that were right in character & worthy of Grant & NAylor
themselves (or is that going to far?! :)
Keep up the work lads
--
+------------------------------------------------------+--------------------+
| J o n a t h a n R o c h - B e r r y | Insert witty |
| MSc Software Engineering, Westminster University, UK | comment here |
+------------------------------------------------------+--------------------+
Nik Clayton
>They both suffered (the 2nd only slightly) from simply re-hashing
>old RD jokes instead of making up their own. Come on lads, you're
>supposed to make up a story in the STYLE of RD - not just nick
>jokes (and storylines : Polymorph, Restoring Holly's IQ etc.) from
>the series.
Hmm. Why? RD themselves rehash plots, and take ideas from other shows. Shape of the polymorph, with an extending sucker, aka Alien. Lister becoming RoboCop, a world were things happen backwards (inumerable SF films), immediate matter transport (Wax World) and holograms that have the illusion of reality (ST:TNG holodeck). OK, they might do it a bit better (or even a lot better) but they still do it.
>The first was also too childish (I often get accused of being too
>childish myself, but some of your stuff even made me cringe
>(Ghostbusters, Mario, the rest of it)).
RD is not exactly high brow stuff. And hopefully the absurdity creates the humour. For a lot of people it has.
>Incidently, how long did they both take to write?
The first posting (by Steve) was in the order of a couple of months, primarily because a couple of pages would get written a day, then it would be distributed to several other people (the other authors credited in the post) to see if it made them laugh. If it did, it stayed. If it didn't then it was re-written or dropped.
>The reason I am so interested in these articles is that I am trying
>to write a book myself,
Best of luck. Something I would never contemplate doing (I couldn't manage the work, and then the eventual criticism).
>and wondered about the quality of jokes that
>other amateurs could come up with. After reading the first RDMST
>article I couldn't believe that I was ever worried!
You are truly too kind B-) B-) B-) Granted, some of it was in-joke...
>Sorry if I've upset any/everyone (again!).
Not at all. It's been posted in several places now (I was Fidonet for quite a while before coming to Uni) and I've had 30 or so replies from people who enjoyed it as the simple parody it was intended to be, and 3 (4 including your reply) who thought it went too far. Hmm, why did I include that? Probably 'cos I'm on the defensive now <grin>. But seriously, each to his own, as they say. And thanks for the comments.
Nik Clayton
>In article <C1H3w...@compsci.liverpool.ac.uk> scs...@csc.liv.ac.uk (Mr. R.M. Wood) writes:
>>Read the ENTIRE first one of these, but only the RD bits of the
>>second one.
>>
>>The second one of these was MILES better then the first 'effort'
>>(2800 lines and it never once occurred to the writers that it
>>was crap!).
>>
>>They both suffered (the 2nd only slightly) from simply re-hashing
>>old RD jokes instead of making up their own. Come on lads, you're
>>supposed to make up a story in the STYLE of RD - not just nick
>>jokes (and storylines : Polymorph, Restoring Holly's IQ etc.) from
>>the series.
>
>Hold on, are we talking about the one distributed on FidoNet as REDTREK.ZIP
>where they use NDD to restore Holly's IQ, beat the Polymorph in the Holodeck,
>and use the transporter to bring back Crissie? The first time I read it, I laughed a lot & really enjoyed it.
That was the first one, yep.
Thank you for the kind words, that's made my day ("Oi, Steve. I told you *someone* liked it...")
>Ok, it wasn't *so* good when I re-read it last week.
Oh well, can't have everything I suppose.
Kurt Schumacher
>
>Okay, here it is, the long awaited (Well, 2 days)
>STAR TREK (the next generation)
>MEETS
>RED DWARF.
>
>Data: Holly, is there any way of updating a holodeck
>simulation with data from a transporter beam file ?
>
>Holly: Yeah, you just cross reference the transporter
>file output with the memory files in the holodeck subset,
>yeah you could make an exact copy of someone, as holodeck
>matter only though !
>
>Lister: What the smeg.....I'm lost.
>
>Picard: Me too.
>
>Riker: Huh ?
>
>Cat: I don't care.....[he looks at his hand] Damn, I've
>split a nail.
>
>Data: What if you re-directed the output from the
>holodeck to the main transporter beam memory banks ?
>
>Kryten: The holodeck image would become real, and if you
>programmed the nural input of the transporter creation
>with the computer holodeck memory......
>
>Data: The person would become real !
>
>Holly: Yeah that'd work
>
>Rimmer: Wait a minute, are you saying that you can create
>things and give them memory from files ?
>
>Kryten: That's roughly it sir !
>
>Rimmer: Files such as hologram files ?
>
>Holly: I s'pose so
>
>Rimmer: Then I could become alive again !
Thought you might like to know: a conversation *very* similar to the
above (without the Red Dwarf characters, of course) appeared in the
episode of ST:TNG shown in the USA this week. The general idea was
the same: beaming something from the holodeck to the transporter
room to make it real. I won't reveal any more about the plot since
it won't show up in the UK for a while and I don't want to ruin the
story. (Unless, of course, someone begs and pleads.)
Kurt
Steve M Lake
matter's limitations. I thought up the theory used in Star Trek Meets
Red Dwarf, after seeing the first episode that they talked about the
limitations in. Why didn't they think of this before.
Oh well, it WAS a nice unique story idea.
-Steve
Bill White
Possible ST:TNG SPOILER
They didn't actually solve the holodeck problem yet. If I were the
captain of the Enterprise 1701-D I think I'd follow the advise of
another ST fan on Cleveland Freenet and padlock the holodeck and give
the crewmembers a monopoly game to pass the time away with. The story
in question is called "Ship In A Bottle" & is a sequile (kind of) to
"Elementary My Dear Mr. Data" (note, I could be wrong on the exact
title of the original show, ST has never been one of my strongest areas
of expertise).
--Additional: Our biggest enemy is going space crazy through lonliness.
The only thing that helps me maintain my slender grip on reality is
the friendship I share with my collection of singing potatoes.
--Holly
Red Dwarf II, Queeg
--
Bill White, aa...@Cleveland.freenet.edu OR aa...@Medina.Freenet.edu
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Assistant Sysop, Cleveland & Medina County Free-net's
Science Fiction and Fantasy Sig
Shane Derek Killian
>above (without the Red Dwarf characters, of course) appeared in the
>episode of ST:TNG shown in the USA this week. The general idea was
>the same: beaming something from the holodeck to the transporter
>room to make it real. I won't reveal any more about the plot since
>it won't show up in the UK for a while and I don't want to ruin the
>story. (Unless, of course, someone begs and pleads.)
>
Next Generation episodes thay've done, apart from The Best Of Both
Worlds...
How far behind are you in the UK? I understand it's much farther behind
than we are on Red Dwarf here.
TheMad...@cup.portal.com
GREENSBORO, NC USA
-----
186,000 mps: It's not just a good idea -- It's the law.
Steve M Lake
>Next Generation episodes thay've done, apart from The Best Of Both
>Worlds...
What was the episode called, so as I can see if I can get it on video
>
>How far behind are you in the UK? I understand it's much farther behind
>than we are on Red Dwarf here.
>
On video, we're about 1 season behind. On TV the last one we saw was
Best Of Both Worlds Part 2, So we're a tad behind there. Oh, by the
way, Red Dwarf meets StarTrek II is well underway, and at the moment
it's called Invisiborg. I won't give the plot away *just* yet, coz I
dunno who it'll end up.
>TheMad...@cup.portal.com
>GREENSBORO, NC USA
>-----
>186,000 mps: It's not just a good idea -- It's the law.
Steve "the Mad Hippo" Lake
steve...@brunel.ac.uk
It's humour Jim, but not as we know it !
Shane Derek Killian
>>Next Generation episodes thay've done, apart from The Best Of Both
>>Worlds...
>
>What was the episode called, so as I can see if I can get it on video
>
Also, "The Inner Light" is a fabulous episode.
>>
>>How far behind are you in the UK? I understand it's much farther behind
>>than we are on Red Dwarf here.
>>
>
>On video, we're about 1 season behind. On TV the last one we saw was
>Best Of Both Worlds Part 2, So we're a tad behind there. Oh, by the
>way, Red Dwarf meets StarTrek II is well underway, and at the moment
>it's called Invisiborg. I won't give the plot away *just* yet, coz I
>dunno who it'll end up.
I think I missed part one...I'm relatively new here. I've been playing
around with a RD/ST:TNG crossover. Actually, I've written an original
Red Dwarf story. If there's interest, I'll post it.
TheMad...@cup.portal.com
GREENSBORO, NC USA
-----
Error 020: STACK RUNNETH OVER
DG LEGROS
RD meets TNG when have the two met? Are we talking book, show what?
--
----------------------------------------------------------------------
_____ | Dommy the Mouse (INTERNET D.G.L...@bradford.ac.uk)
____/____^>. | (JANET D.G.L...@uk.ac.bradford)
| Rodents rule ok! :-)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Steve M Lake
>I'm not sure what I've missed here guyz but what is all this about
>RD meets TNG when have the two met? Are we talking book, show what?
>
Red Dwarf Meets Star Trek is a story that myself and a load of my
friends wrote in lots of very boring lunchtimes and computer studies
lessons. It's basically a parody, but with some interesting (I think
anyway) story line twists. There is also another Red Dwarf meets
startrek, that someone else wrote (Sorry, I can't remember who) but
they've only posted the first part so far.
Incidently, if you read my red-trek and you want more by the same
authors, we've written tonnes of other stuff, although none
red-dwarf-ish. Having said that, please mail me if you want it posted
to this (Or any other) newsgroup. Rec.humor would probably be more
suitable.
Just to help you in your decision, here is the list of stories by us.
(The Silly Sod Society)
Red Dwarf Meets StarTrek
Red Dwarf Crew meet the Enterprise crew, with comic results 8)
StarTrek (TOS) the search for breakfast
StarTrek The Old Generation parody about a very hungry mutant spaceworm
Bill & Ted's Henley College Adventure
The Most Excellent duo meet the silly sod society
Six Men And A Banana
The Silly Sod Society meet practically everyone in every space file ever.
Sherlock Holmes and the mystery of Dans hair
Sherlock Holmes meets the silly sods, amongst other things
The Intergalactic Megaheroes Go Shopping
The Silly Sod Society go on an intergalactic shopping spree
The Universal Banana
The Silly Sod Society wage war against some nasty green aliens
There is some others too, but they aren't finished yet.
If there are any fellow silly sods out there, you will like these
stories (probly) -Steve
Adam Lawrence Salter
Steve...@brunel.ac.uk (Steve M Lake) writes:
Please explain what you are talking about.
adam
P.S. Redw Dwarf meets Star Trek?
Sven Nielsen
>
> Incidently, if you read my red-trek and you want more by the same
> authors, we've written tonnes of other stuff, although none
> red-dwarf-ish. Having said that, please mail me if you want it posted
> to this (Or any other) newsgroup. Rec.humor would probably be more
> suitable.
>
YES, PLEASE!!!!!!
I cracked up just reading the titles (but then, I laugh at puns, so don't
use my character for a basis), and would love to see these posted in Rec.
Humor (best place IMEO too). Or if you guys don't want to post them
there, then please e-mail them to me at bbs.da...@tsoft.net.
Thanks in advance for a horrendously huge laugh...
--Dalvenjah FoxFire
______________________________________________________
| Dalvenjah FoxFire (but Sven Nielsen in real life) |
| bbs.da...@tsoft.net apple!tsoft!bbs.dalvenja |
| "How does something like that crap?" |
| --The response of Lady Mira upon sighting a two- |
|headed demon much like Dr. Doolittle's Pushmi-Pullyu|
Steve M Lake
>
>
> Please explain what you are talking about.
>
>
>
> adam
>
>P.S. Redw Dwarf meets Star Trek?
Surely you mean Red Dwarf meets StarTrek. I expect it was a typo, so
I'll let you off. Anyway, Red Dwarf Meets StarTrek (TNG) was a story
that myself and a load of friends wrote about 2 years ago. It was
basically a "What If Red Dwarf met the Enterprise ?" sort of story. I
posted it here about a month back, so it's probably been deleted by
now.
-Steve "The Mad Hippo, and King of Mars Bar Land" Lake