Is it possible to meet people through this newsgroup?
MOTAS
Summary: This FAQ discusses aspects of erotic spanking as an activity
between consenting adults, and answers questions related to the
soc.sexuality.spanking newsgroup.
Archive-name: sss_spanking-faq
Posting-Frequency: daily in alt.support.attn-deficit
Last-modified: December 15, 1997 -- Version: 1.9
Contributors: Dave in S. CAL, Debbie Ann, Adrian, Alex, C-Red, Llori,
John P, Greg, Amy, et al.
Permission is granted to copy and redistribute this document
electronically provided that it remains complete and unmodified. (CD
publishers take note: this does NOT include you.)
Until the FAQ becomes accepted by the *.answers moderators, the only
places to obtain this draft version are the newsgroup
soc.sexuality.spanking, alt.support.attn-deficit and the S.S.S.
Resource Site at <http://www.amythest.com/sss/>.
The Soc.Sexuality.Spanking Resource Site,
<http://www.amythest.com/sss/>, is a resource for the
soc.sexuality.spanking community. There you can find both HTML and
text versions of this FAQ, the SSS Charter, as well as other
information relevant to soc.sexuality.spanking -- moderation
information, privacy issue information , "town and resident"
information, etc. The site is designed to be ever changing in response
to the needs of this growing community.
Comments on this document can be sent to Greg <peri...@hotmail.com>
-or- Amy <A...@amythest.com>
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Contents of this FAQ:
NOTE: Click on an Entry to go directly to that Topic.
1. INTRODUCTION TO S.S.S.
1.1 What is soc.sexuality.spanking all about?
1.2 Why a new group, and why is it moderated?
1.3 What exactly is moderation?
1.4 What does moderation mean for me?
1.5 Why is this newsgroup so friendly?
1.6 Is spanking a form of BDSM?
1.7 What is the difference between spanking and spousal abuse?
1.8 What is the difference between spanking and flagellation?
1.9 Is it possible to meet people through this newsgroup?
1.10 Is it appropriate to post personal ads here?
1.11 What is alt.personals.spanking?
1.12 Is it appropriate to post binaries here?
1.13 What is alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.spanking?
1.14 Might I find certain postings to be offensive or distasteful?
1.15 What is "delurking" and how do I do it?
1.16 What is the roster and why should I submit an entry?
1.17 I'm female. Will I be inundated with unwelcome e-mail
solicitations if I delurk or list an entry in the roster?
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2. NEWSGROUP ETIQUETTE
2.1 What is appropriate to post here?
2.2 What is inappropriate to post here?
2.3 What are common mistakes made by newcomers?
2.4 Is it appropriate to flame hetero-centric language and attitudes?
2.5 Is it appropriate to post real-life experiences or stories
involving the spanking of children?
2.6 Is it appropriate to discuss the legitimacy of spanking as a form
of discipline for children in real life?
2.7 Is it appropriate to discuss news stories about spanking such as
the Michael Faye caning?
2.8 How should stories be titled and introduced?
2.9 Are male/male spanking stories appropriate to post here?
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3. COMMONLY USED TERMS AND ABBREVIATIONS
3.1 Post Types
3.2 Keywords Found in Story Subject Lines
3.3 Abbreviations and Definitions found on soc.sexuality.spanking
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4. SPANKING ORIGINS, FANTASIES, EROTICISM
4.1 I've been fascinated by spanking since I was a child. Am I alone?
4.2 Do my fantasies have to be consistent with my values and ethics?
4.3 Will my interest in spanking escalate into other forms of kinky
sex?
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5. SPANKING PLAY
5.1 I'd like to reveal my spanking interests to my partner but am
afraid of being rebuffed. What should I do?
5.2 I've approached everything well but my partner still reacts badly.
What shoud I do?
5.3 I've never been spanked before but would like to be. What should I
do?
5.4 I've never given a spanking before but would like to. What should
I do?
5.5 I feel silly when I try to play out spankings. How do I make my
experiences meet my fantasies?
5.6 What does consensuality mean?
5.7 What is a safeword?
5.8 Is there a consensus here regarding consensuality and safewords?
5.9 My partner or I have a low tolerance for pain. Will we be able to
enjoy spankings?
5.10 How can I get my partner to spank me harder?
5.11 How do I minimize the risk of physical injury during spanking
play?
5.12 Can you offer suggestions on how bruising can be prevented - or
at least minimized?
5.13 Treating a bruise
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6. MORE SPANKING ON THE INTERNET
6.1 Other Usenet Groups
6.2 Web Sites
6.3 IRC Channels
6.4 Spanking Mailing Lists
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1. INTRODUCTION TO S.S.S.
1.1 What is soc.sexuality.spanking all about?
Soc.sexuality.spanking (s.s.s.) is a moderated group that came into
existence as a result of the growth of off-topic (commercial and
binary) posts that began to dominate alt.sex.spanking (a.s.s.). The
discussions on s.s.s. cover topics dealing with spanking in an erotic
context, whether as fantasy or real experiences. In addition, s.s.s.
includes discussions on real life discipline between adults, and
sightings of spanking scenes in books, t.v., and movies.
<Back>
1.2 Why another group, and why is it moderated?
The reason for the move to a moderated newsgroup in a new hierarchy
was to ensure that the high signal-to-noise ratio (On-Topic vs.
Off-Topic posts) that made a.s.s. so popular early on, was given new
life. After long discussion in a.s.s., it was determined that the most
effective way to ensure control over the modern spam phenomenon and
other off-topic posts, was to moderate the group.
<Back>
1.3 What exactly is moderation?
Moderation is an invisible process for anyone whose posts remain
on-topic. Moderation ensures that the majority of articles posted to
soc.sexuality.spanking are on-topic; that is, that the posts meet the
basic criteria outlined in the s.s.s. charter. Moderation is
accomplished with a combination of a robotic (or automatic) moderator
(the bot), and human moderators .
The bot filters posts automatically, based on the s.s.s. charter
criteria. The human moderators are responsible for communication with
posters who make inappropriate posts, for ensuring that questions from
posters who do not understand why their posts were rejected are
answered promptly, and for answering technical questions about the
newsgroup.
<Back>
1.4 What does moderation mean for me?
It means that your time in s.s.s. will be more enjoyable, as you won't
have to spend as much time wading through the volume of spam that
infests most sex-topic groups. It means that the stories and
discussion threads will be easy to find, and easy to follow.
<Back>
1.5 Why is this newsgroup so friendly?
The vast majority of people who post to s.s.s want to talk about
spanking rather than to argueor fight. Many felt that a.s.s. had the
highest signal-to-noise ratio of any of the alt.sex newsgroups. People
whose only contributions were flames were not well received. Regaining
the feelings of community and support was the reason for the formation
of s.s.s, and in s.s.s. the tradition of welcoming newcomers with open
arms continues.
<Back>
1.6 Is spanking a form of BDSM?
Whether one considers spanking a sub-set of BDSM (bondage, discipline;
dominance, submission; sadism, masochism) is a matter of personal
preference. Some people relate only to spanking, while some relate to
the broader spectrum of BDSM.
<Back>
1.7 What is the difference between spanking and spousal abuse?
At a minimum, the difference would be whether there was consent of the
person receiving the spanking. If it is an erotic spanking, the
recipient has the right to getting some kind of pleasure from it. If
it is for real life discipline, there has to be a clear understanding
of the conditions of that framework, and the consent of the receiver
to those conditions. See Sections 5.6 thru 5.8 of this FAQ for more
detailed discussions of consensuality.
<Back>
1.8 What is the difference between spanking and flagellation?
Spanking is a subset of flagellation. The spankings of interest to
s.s.s. are reminiscent of childhood spankings that were administered
at home and school and that were applied primarily to the buttocks.
This includes spankings with hands, paddles, belts, straps,
hairbrushes, switches, and canes.
<Back>
1.9 Is it possible to meet people through this newsgroup?
Yes. By becoming a positive participant of s.s.s., others may become
interested in meeting you. While there appears to be a higher than
normal ratio of females to males in this newsgroup, males still
outnumber females so women will find it easier to meet men, and men
will find it easier to meet other men.
<Back>
1.10 Is it appropriate to post personal ads here?
No. Those who post personal ads will receive a note explaining that
personals should be posted to alt.personals.spanking,
alt.personals.spanking.punishment, or soc.personals.
<Back>
1.11 What is alt.personals.spanking?
Alt.personals.spanking is the appropriate newsgroup for posting to or
reading, when seeking spanking partners thru personal ads. Other
appropriate groups are alt.personals.spanking.punishment, and
soc.personals.
<Back>
1.12 Is it appropriate to post binaries here?
No. Binaries will be rejected under the terms of moderation. Please
post binaries to alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.spanking.
<Back>
1.13 What is alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.spanking?
Alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.spanking is the appropriate newsgroup to
post binaries (pictures) of spanking erotica.
<Back>
1.14 Might I find certain postings to be offensive or distasteful?
Yes. You should assume that there will always be some articles that do
not conform to your tastes or sensibilities. If a significant portion
of the articles offend you then this newsgroup is probably not for
you. If you believe certain things should be censored then YOU take
responsibility, and censor what YOU read.
<Back>
1.15 What is "delurking" and how do I do it?
To "lurk" is to read a newsgroup without posting. To "delurk" is to
begin posting to a newsgroup, usually with an introduction. Your
introductory post is a good time to tell people about yourself and
your particular tastes in spanking. The delurks that seem to generate
the best responses are ones with distinctive headers (ie Delurk from
Sara, or The Bronx Bomber Delurks).
Good information to include in a delurk post includes, but is not
limited to: childhood spanking experiences, sexual spanking
experiences, the kinds of articles you like to see posted to
soc.sexuality.spanking, your particular spanking tastes, etc.
Of course, you are free to post anything you like but negative
criticism right out the gate will not endear you to the other
participants. Many are content to read the posts of others; however,
those who participate by posting are able to realize the full
potential of what this newsgroup has to offer.
<Back>
1.16 What is the roster and why should I submit an entry?
The S.S.S. Roster is similar to a club roster. It is a compilation of
brief spanking biographies of some of the participants of this
newsgroup. It is updated and posted every month or two.
The roster is currently maintained by Witness. To submit an entry,
fill out a "roster template" and e-mail it to <wit...@xs4all.nl>. The
roster template is posted with each updated roster. If you have missed
the most recent posting, a copy of the current roster and the template
is located at <http://www.xs4all.nl/~witness/roster/>. More detailed
instructions are included with the template.
There are several reasons why you might want to list your entry in the
roster. The roster serves as an extended delurk so that others who
come along later may become familiar with you even though your initial
delurk is gone. You may wish to include geographical information so
that others in your area may contact you.
<Back>
1.17 I'm female. Will I be inundated with unwelcome e-mail
solicitations if I delurk or list an entry in the roster?
As is the case with most sex-topic newsgroups, females generally get
more attention than males. Some of this attention comes in the form of
e-mail and there is always the risk that you may find a particular
message to be offensive; however, the female participants of
soc.sexuality.spanking have reported that, for the most part, the
e-mail they've received is polite. Again, soc.sexuality.spanking is a
cut above most other sex-topic newsgroups.
If, for whatever reason, you absolutely, positively, cannot receive
spanking-related e-mail then *DO NOT* post to soc.sexuality.spanking
unless you are using a reliable anonymous re-mailer. To post with the
admonition not to respond is to place an unrealistic amount of faith
in the willingness of hundreds of thousands of anonymous people to
respect your wishes.
<Back>
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2. NEWSGROUP ETIQUETTE
2.1 What is appropriate to post here?
Just about any text that relates to erotic spanking -- fiction,
real-life anecdotes, childhood memories, questions, advice, scene
information, etc.
<back>
2.2 What is inappropriate to post here?
Non-text material is never appropriate. Please post spanking pictures
to alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.bondage (a.b.p.e.b.), or preferably
toalt.binaries.pictures.erotica.spanking (a.b.p.e.s.), although it is
still not available on many servers. You can then include a short post
in s.s.s to point to the binary group where it was posted (ideally,
giving the message-id of your binary post).
Personal ads, material that is not primarily spanking-oriented,
discussions relating to spanking as a form of discipline for children,
and gratuitous flames are also inappropriate. Ads should be posted to
alt.personals.spanking, alt.personals.spanking.punishment, or
soc.personals; general BDSM material should be posted to
alt.sex.bondage or soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm; discussions regarding
the value of spanking as a form of discipline for children should be
posted to alt.parenting.spanking; and personal disagreements belong in
e-mail, not in the public forum.
<back>
2.3 What are common mistakes made by newcomers?
Posting spanking binaries outside of a.b.p.e.b. or a.b.p.e.s.
Discussing personal grudges in public posts rather than through
e-mail. Attempting to brand as inappropriate that which is, in fact,
appropriate. Flaming and whining.
<back>
2.4 Is it appropriate to flame heterocentric language and attitudes?
No. Many heterosexuals read and post to s.s.s. and are to be extended
the same level of courtesy and tolerance by gays that gays demand of
hets. Do not flame hets for failing to purge their language of
heterocentric references or for failing to acknowledge the validity of
the Gay/Lesbian lifestyle. This is a forum for the discussion of
erotic spanking, not political correctness.
<back>
2.5 Is it appropriate to post real-life experiences or stories
involving the spanking of children?
Yes. Many of us either experienced or witnessed spankings as a child
and the recounting of these experiences is appropriate to post.
Furthermore, many spanking stories involve children being spanked and
these are also appropriate to post here. This is a sensitive area and
requires the ability to distinguish between what one fantasizes about
and what one acts upon. See section 2.8 of this FAQ for information
about how stories should be titled and introduced.
Blatant descriptions of sexuality involving children are offensive to
many here (and to society at large) and are to be approached with
caution. There does not seem to be a clear consensus on where the line
is drawn but suffice to say the emphasis should be on spanking rather
than on other forms of sexuality.
<back>
2.6 Is it appropriate to discuss the legitimacy of spanking as a form
of discipline for children in real life?
No. This is best left to alt.parenting.spanking. This is a sensitive
area since s.s.s. is a forum for the discussion of spanking as a form
of adult play, NOT a forum for discussing the validity of parental
discipline.
<back>
2.7 Is it appropriate to discuss news stories about spanking such as
the Michael Faye caning?
Yes. These are appropriate to post and discuss here because many of us
find real-life experiences to be erotic. Again, we try to avoid having
the discussion degrade into an argument about the legitimacy of
corporal punishment.
<back>
2.8 How should stories be titled and introduced?
Because tastes vary, it is customary to use descriptive titles when
posting a story. For example, if a story named "School Days" involves
the paddling of an 8-year-old boy by a female teacher, an appropriate
title might be "School Days (child spanking, F/m)". It is also common
for authors to list potentially controversial elements in an
introduction as a warning (or enticement). Sensitive areas include
non-consensuality, same-sex spanking, childhood spanking, explicit
sexuality, and elements of general BDSM. See Section 3 of this FAQ for
a list of commonly used abbreviations.
<back>
2.9 Are male/male spanking stories appropriate to post here?
Yes, male/male stories are appropriate to post here. If you don't like
them, don't read them. Do not flame people because they post male/male
spanking stories. Do not flame people because they are gay or
bisexual.
<back>
3. COMMONLY USED TERMS AND ABBREVIATIONS
3.1 Post Types
AD --> A post by someone with something to sell, or from a commercial
web site.
ADMIN --> Posts of an administrative nature, such as the weekly 'Bot
report.
Debporn --> a particular type of story post which features severe,
family setting discipline/humiliation including very raw anal/crotch
spankings. May or may not include sex. Very intense. Not for the
squeamish. May or may not have other labels.
FABLE --> A story with a moral.
FAQ --> Frequently Asked Questions.
HUMOR --> Joke posts or amusing stories.
OFF-TOPIC --> Generally a post that does not directly relate to or
refer to spanking, but one that may be of interest to the group.
REPOST or RELOAD --> A previously posted story being posted again.
SSC --> Short Story Contest. Most often a story entry, but also
identifies rules or contest administrative posts.
STARTLE --> A post that describes a real life event that was not
intended to be related to spanking, but that could have been taken
that way.
STORY --> A tale which may be either fiction or real life. Generally,
but not always, if the story is real life (RL), that will be indicated
in the subject line. There is no guarantee that labels will be
accurate, and the reader must always be aware that s/he is solely
responsible for what s/he reads. If a story gets into an area where
*you* are uncomfortable, it is up to *you* to take responsibility and
stop reading it.
QUESTION or ?? --> A post soliciting comments and answers from the
group.
<back>
3.2 Keywords Found in Story Subject Lines
Note: The terms listed below are by no means required to post a story.
They are simply guidelines to help both those who are looking for a
particular type of story and those who are turned off by certain
activities. Putting keywords in the subject line will give readers an
idea of the story content without having to download the entire post,
and reduces the chances of a reader being "squicked" (see below). It
is not necessary to choose words from each category below, only the
ones you feel are important for the readers to know.
Participants - x/y (x spanks y), where x and y are:
F--> adult female
f--> young female
M--> adult male
m--> young male
b --> pre-teen male child
g --> pre-teen female child
Examples:
F/m--> adult female spanks young male
M/Ff--> adult male spanks an adult female and a young female
MF/bg--> boy and girl are spanked by two adults
(Note: if two people switch roles, use 'F/M, M/F', not 'FM/MF' which
implies there are four people in the scene)
Methods:
otk (over-the-knee)
hand
paddle
cane
crop
strap
etc.
Scene types:
otk (over-the-knee)
hand
paddle
cane
crop
strap
etc.
Scene types:
r/l or rl --> real life
school --> teacher spanks student
public --> with spectators
office --> discipline at work
relig. --> spare the rod...
Other Descriptive Terms:
anal --> anal penetration
bond --> bondage (physical restraint)
cons --> consensual
debporn --> a particular type of story (made popular by Debbie Ann)
which features severe, family setting discipline/humiliation including
very raw anal/crotch spankings. May or may not include sex. Very
intense. Not for the squeamish.
edgy --> heavy b&d (drawing blood, breast/genital torture, etc.)
heavy --> a "heavy" spanking
incest --> incestuous relationships
nc, non-con --> non-consensual situations
oral --> mouth-to-genital contact
sex --> penetration
teen --> involving a teenager
Squick --> To disgust someone with an activity past the limit of
his/her tolerance; e.g., "Watching that hard caning squicked me!"
<back>
3.3 Abbreviations and Definitions found on soc.sexuality.spanking
Newsgroup abbreviations:
a.b.p.e.b. --> alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.bondage - one appropriate
newsgroup for spanking pictures
a.b.p.e.s. --> alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.spanking - the most
appropriate newsgroup for spanking pictures, still not available on
some servers
a.s.b. --> alt.sex.bondage
a.s.s .--> alt.sex.spanking
s.s.b. or s.s.b.b. --> soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm
s.s.s. --> soc.sexuality.spanking
Assville --> The online spanking community created by those who
frequent alt.sex.spanking, Assville has its own coffee shop (where the
Chief of Police can frequently be found); a thriving business
district; and even its very own bag lady. Due to its continued growth,
Assville is now spilling over into soc.sexuality.spanking, which will
make the community even more fun to explore. Feel free to stroll
around town, chat with the folks on the street, and generally make
yourself at home.
Asssville --> The online spanking community created by those who
frequent soc.sexuality.spanking. Asssville is a sister city to
Assville, above.
Terminology about people:
bottom --> One receiving a spanking
Switch --> One who likes both giving and receiving spankings
Top --> One giving a spanking
Sie --> Gender-neutral pronoun equivalent to "She or He"
Hir --> Gender-neutral pronoun equivalent to "Him or Her" or
possessive pronoun equivalent to "His or Her"
Abbreviations found in Posts:
AFAIK --> As Far As I Know
BTW --> By The Way
CHUDWAH --> Clueless Heterosexual Dom Wannabe
FAQ --> Frequently Asked Question(s)
FWIW --> For What It's Worth
FYI --> For Your Information
GIF/JPEG --> Compression formats for digital pictures (binaries)
HNG --> Horny Net Geek
IMHO --> In My Humble Opinion
IMNSHO --> In My Not-So-Humble Opinion
IMX --> In My Experience
IRC--> Internet Relay Chat
LOL --> Laughing Out Loud
MMF --> Make Money Fast, the Usenet's infamous chain-letter
MOTAS/OS/SS --> Member of the Appropriate Sex/ Opposite Sex/ Same sex
OTOH --> On The Other Hand
PISS --> Passive Ignorance Silence Strike
RL --> Real Life
ROTFL(MAO) --> Rolling On The Floor Laughing (My Ass Off)
RTFM --> Read the F***ing Manual
SO --> Significant Other
WIITWD --> What it is that We Do
WTH --> What The Heck/Hell
WRT --> With Respect To
YKINOK --> Your Kink is not OK
YKIOKIJNMK --> Your Kink is OK, It's Just not My Kink
YMMV --> Your Mileage may Vary
24/7 --> 24 hours, 7 days/week, full time
< > --> anything in brackets denotes action. e.g.: <smiling> or
<shaking head>
<g> --> grin
<bg>, <G> --> big grin
<eg> --> evil grin
<ng> --> nasty grin
<veg> --> very evil grin
<wg> --> wicked grin
(or any silly combination of the above -- i.e. <vbnewg> --> very big,
nasty, evil, wicked grin)
Some Useful Definitions
Lurker --> Someone who reads a group, but doesn't post
Delurk --> The act of announcing your presence to the community at
large, frequently accompanied by personal info or a story.
Squick --> To disgust someone with an activity past the limit of
his/her tolerance; e.g., "Watching that hard caning squicked me!"
Flame --> A vitriolic attack in response to a post, generally on a
personal level.
Flamebait --> An offensive article designed to incite a large number
of responses, thus drowning out more relevant discussions. If a
flamebait is cross-posted, each response will be cross-posted to every
group unless the newsgroup line is edited (Cf. Jello). A subject line
in all caps is a good indication of a flamebait.
Troll --> See Flamebait. The term either comes from 'trawl' (to drag a
big net to catch large numbers of unwary fish) or from the legendary
creature that waits under a bridge for an unsuspecting goat to cross.
Spam --> An article (almost always an ad or personal) posted to a
large number of groups which is clearly irrelevant to the group.
Technically, a spam is posted one group at a time, while a
Velveeta/Jello is cross-posted.
Velveeta --> An inappropriate article that is massively cross-posted
to other groups either to save on typing for the poster, or to avoid
detection by automated Spam-seeking Bot programs.
Jello --> A flamebait posted as a Spam/Velveeta, designed to
incapacitate the affected groups. The alt.sex.* hierarchy is a
favorite target for Jello posts.
Killfile --> A file used by some newsreaders containing a list of
subjects, names, or keywords to be deleted from the unread article
list before it is displayed.
Plonk --> To add someone to your killfile.
<Back>
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4. SPANKING ORIGINS, FANTASIES, EROTICISM
4.1 I've been fascinated by spanking since I was a child. Am I alone?
No. Just the traffic on this newsgroup is indicative of a widespread
interest in spanking. Vendors of spanking erotica have customer bases
of thousands. Double entendres about spanking abound on sitcoms.
Bondage parlors around the world have always done a brisk business in
spankings. You have plenty of company.
<Back>
4.2 Do my fantasies have to be consistent with my values and ethics?
No. Just as it is possible to have a rape fantasy without condoning
rape, it is possible to fantasize about spanking without condoning
physical abuse. Many of us feel that our actions must be consistent
with our values and that by playing spanking games that are safe and
consensual, we remain within our ethical bounds.
<Back>
4.3 Will my interest in spanking escalate into other forms of kinky
sex?
Maybe, maybe not. If you already relate to other forms of BDSM or
kinkiness, then exploring spanking may allow you to feel comfortable
with further explorations. However, there are many people who relate
to spanking only and play with it their entire lives without a desire
to "diversify".
<Back>
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5. SPANKING PLAY
5.1 I'd like to reveal my spanking interests to my partner but am
afraid of being rebuffed. What should I do?
Keep in mind that if spanking is a sexual turn on for you, it should
be treated just like any other sexual turn on in your relationship. If
it is 'too early' for you to be talking about sex, it's probably too
early for you to be talking about spanking. However, assuming you're
already talking about sex, there are some things you should remember
when talking about spanking as a part of sexplay .
You should try to be relaxed about your desires. If you seem nervous,
your partner might pick up on it, and react badly. Playful swats are
exchanged in many 'normal' relationships; what you're asking for is
just more of this 'normal' playfulness that couples engage in. And
your play will be consensual, so no one will be forced into something
s/he dislikes.
You have no particular reason to feel bad about asking for spanking
play. There is the possibility that your partner will refuse to engage
in spanking play at all; but, that is a danger in asking for any form
of sexual expression. While it can be painful to find out that you can
not engage in your favorite fantasies with someone you love, it is
nevertheless one of the risks of any relationship and any fantasy.
<Back>
5.2 I’ve approached everything well but my partner still reacts badly.
What should I do?
First, try to figure out why you got a bad reaction.
It is possible your partner has been raised to believe that
'hitting"'is wrong. In this case you must help your partner understand
that hitting and spanking are, for you, two totally different things.
Reassure your partner that you have no desire to be 'hurt', and that
for you, spanking is erotic stimulation.
Your partner or someone close to your partner may have been spanked or
beaten as a child, and talk about spanking might open those bad
memories back up. In this case, make sure your partner realizes that
you were talking about playful spankings, not real ones, and then try
to let the subject drop for the time being unless your partner wants
to discuss it further.
It's also possible that your partner doesn't have severe emotional
problems with spankings, but simply considers spankings as sexplay
'weird' or 'sick'. In this case, there is probably not much you can
do.
While people are often irrational about what is 'proper' sexplay, that
irrationality should not splash back onto you! If your partner decides
that spanking is not good sexplay, that's one thing; if your partner
considers YOU to be 'sick' for wanting to engage in spanking play,
there may be something seriously wrong with your relationship.
Partners should not consider each other's desires to be 'sick', even
if they don't want to engage in them personally. In this case, you may
have to decide if the relationship is worth continuing.
<Back>
5.3 I've never been spanked before but would like to be. What should I
do?
In some senses, it is easier to be a spankee than a spanker. You don't
have to worry about your partner thinking that you want to hurt him or
her.However, asking for a spanking comes with its own set of dangers.
The biggest thing you want to be careful about is pressuring your
partner. Unless your partner is already into spanking, it's very
likely that s/he has no idea what your looking for, and thus, has no
idea what you want. This can be very nerve-wracking! It isn't easy to
do something that you feel is hurtful to someone you care for.
Be patient. Your partner can't read your mind, and s/he can't feel the
pleasure that comes with the pain of a spanking. Your partner doesn't
know what effect s/he is having on your bottom so help your partner
learn what you like without being discouraging. When you receive a
spanking that you enjoy try to make it clear to your partner that s/he
has made you happy. Reacting in such a way is not only a good
relationship builder, it helps your partner get over the nervousness
of 'hurting' you and is a good way to help your partner get turned on
by spanking you.
Don't be afraid to guide your partner; you may feel silly laying over
your partner's lap and saying "okay, try just a bit harder this time",
but the long term benefits are worth it. . . both in getting better
spankings, and in improving communication.
Most importantly, give your partner time to get used to each new
'level' of spanking. Do not try to push your partner too fast; that's
a sure recipe for making your partner feel frightened or inadequate.
If you are adverse to asking for a spanking, you can try teasing and
being 'naughty' and hinting that you deserve one; however, unless your
partner is already into spanking, and unless you are looking for
fairly mild, playful spankings, you'll probably have to talk to your
partner sooner or later about your desires.
<Back>
5.4 I've never given a spanking before but would like to. What should
I do?
In some ways, this is easier than wanting to be spanked, because you
can take a more active role. However, unless your partner is already
into receiving spankings, or unless your desires are satisfied by
giving fairly mild spankings, you'll probably have to talk to your
partner about your desires sooner or later.
Be clear about your desires. While most people can end up dealing with
mild spankings, severe spanking is definitely not a taste that you can
or should expect someone to acquire. If you can't get turned on except
by fairly severe spankings, you may well end up having to find someone
who is already into being spanked. However, even if you can be
satisfied with playful, relatively mild, spankings, there are still
some issues to keep in mind.
First, before even thinking about pain, think about the emotional
aspects. Never spank someone for a 'real' fault or mistake unless your
relationship already has that aspect to it. Never suggest that your
partner is submissive in any way, shape, or form, other than in taking
a spanking, unless your relationship already has that aspect to it.
Most importantly, learn and respect your partner's preferences in
dealing with a spanking; you're already asking to do something
"harmful" to your partner; don't push your partner into a bad
emotional state at the same time!
Next, start slowly. The best 'first swat' is one that is given over
full clothing as a teasing or playful gesture. This lets you measure
your partner's emotional reaction to spanking, and lets you decide if
you want to press the issue. Be careful on those first few swats! A
single spank that hits too hard might give your partner the idea that
you're into 'pain', not 'spanking'. If your partner reacts well to
these initial swats, you might want to try to go further. If you do
so, however, be extremely careful! Yes, it can be a bit embarrassing
to admit that you would like to take your partner over your knee and
administer a good spanking; it can be a lot worse to have to apologize
for having hurt your partner, either physically or emotionally.
In any case, patience is an absolute necessity. If your partner isn't
'naturally' into spanking, you have to make sure that every spanking
you administer is a pleasant experience. Since the spanking itself my
not be pleasant, make sure that your partner always gets something
pleasant out of the experience. This helps link your playful spankings
to pleasure for your partner, and will actually help your partner
enjoy more and even harder spankings. Work slowly, not just
physically, but psychologically. If your partner ends up enjoying
light spanks over underpants, do not assume that your partner will
like the same 'physical level' of spanks on the bare bottom! There is
little physical difference, but the psychological difference is
immense.
When working on an uncertain person, spank fairly gently, and mix your
hard spanks with softer ones, and with lots of rubbing and caresses.
Even a person who doesn't specifically like spankings might learn to
enjoy a few hard swats to bring about a sting, followed by kisses and
caresses for contrast.
Finally, and most importantly, let your partner be your guide. Learn
to read your partner for signs that say when you're spanking too hard.
Also learn to read your partner for when you've actually gotten to the
'right' level of spanking! While your spankings may simply be
something your partner 'puts up with' for the pleasure of being your
lover, it's even better if you both end up enjoying the spankings.
<Back>
5.5 I feel silly when I try to play out spankings. How do I make my
experiences meet my fantasies?
You have to keep in mind that your fantasies are 'perfect images'
while your experiences probably won't be. In your mind, no one ever
spanks toohard, too light, too fast, or too slow. Your partner cannot
read your mind and thus may spank harder or lighter or faster or
slower than you want. In your mind the other person always says
exactly the right things. Your partner may not use those words.
If you don't enjoy role play, and there's role playing involved in
your spankings, you are being distracted from the 'main event'.
Similarly, if you love role play, but aren't getting any, you're not
getting any 'foreplay', as it were, before the main event. Negotiation
regarding the level and type of role play with your partner will help
a lot. But sometimes the level and type of role play seems to be
working but you still feel, ... well ... silly getting into the roles.
It does take practice. There's a certain kind of 'magic' woven through
roleplaying, and the 'spell' is best served through completely letting
yourself go into the role. The "scolding parent" will have a harder
time keeping a straight face if the "repentant teen" can't. . . but if
the teen looks nervous and embarrassed and guilty, the parent will
have a much easier time staying in character. This will make the scene
seem more real and more enjoyable for everyone. It might feel silly at
first; it gets easier over time.
<Back>
5.6 What does consensuality mean?
In general, consensuality means that both parties (the spanker and the
spankee) wish to engage in spanking play with each other and both are
able to stop the play at any time for any reason. Consensuality is
more difficult to define for spanking than for other types of erotic
play. For some, getting punished against one's will for a misdeed is a
powerful fantasy. To play out this fantasy thus requires some degree
of non-consent. However, at some point before the activity there
should have been some sort of understanding of what the conditions or
boundaries would be. A pleasurable (even if painful) experience for
both participants should be the ultimate goal of an erotic spanking
session.
<Back>
5.7 What is a safeword?
A safeword is a word that is used to stop spanking play immediately. A
safeword serves two purposes. It functions as a safety valve to
prevent the prolonged violation of limits. And, it allows the spankee
to engage in mock protests without confusing the spanker.
Common safewords are "red", "mercy", "uncle", and believe it or not
"aardvark" (it must be a west-coast thing). Some people also use
cautionarywords such as "yellow" to signal that the play is getting
close to the limits and should be softened but not stopped.
Safewords seem to be more widely used in the general SM scene than in
the spanking scene; however, it is considered wise practice especially
when playing with someone for the first time. There are some pitfalls
to watch for, however. The use of a safeword does not relieve the
spanker of the responsibility to read and respond to non-verbal cues.
Safewords can give a false sense of security to both parties which is
dangerous if other forms of communication are ignored.
It is considered bad form to intentionally force someone to use their
safeword.
<Back>
5.8 Is there a consensus here regarding consensuality and safewords?
Yes and no. It is a commonly held view here that spanking play should
be consensual; however, a number of tedious, circular discussions have
occurred regarding the right of a submissive to relinquish
consensuality (but isn't that still consensual?) or the necessity of
an explicit safeword (otherwise you don't have true consensuality).
This issue stirs extremely strong emotions for no apparent reason. The
consensus here is that it is not always necessary to use a safeword to
achieve consensuality.
<Back>
5.9 My partner or I have a low tolerance for pain. Will we be able to
enjoy spankings?
It depends. It is possible to work around a low pain tolerance with a
good deal of patience and role play. . . but it won't work at all if
one of the partners simply doesn't enjoy the gentler spankings
required.
Try spanking over full clothing. Good fitting blue jeans are a prime
choice because they shape the bottom but provide a great deal of
protection against sting. Even underpants will provide a lot of
protection from sting as long as you're not really trying to hurt your
partner.
Also, experiment with implements. There are a wide variety of
implements that provide a lovely 'smacking' sound with very little
effect, especially through underpants. Light, thin wood paddles, or
thin leather wielded somewhat gently work well for this. Some cloth
belts also make a good 'show', but don't tend to snap quite as well.
Also, some of the implements you'll find in adult toy stores are made
for exactly this purpose: making a heck of a show, with little actual
effect.
Finally, start very slowly. A slowly built up spanking will cause less
pain, and will also help build up a person's tolerance for spankings.
People DO gain 'tougher butts' over time!
<Back>
5.10 How can I get my partner to spank me harder?
If your partner actively enjoys spanking you already, you can probably
just provide some gentle encouragement. If your partner is not a
'natural spanker', however, s/he could very well be terrified of
'really' hurting you. This is an extremely hard thing to get over. Or,
your partner may be 'freaked out' by seeing you enjoy yourself from
something that's so obviously 'painful'. That is why the first step is
to avoid pressure. Your partner has some real, honest to goodness
issues to deal with.
One thing that will help is trust. Make sure your partner knows that
you *WILL* call a halt if it hurts too much. At the same time, joke
about how tough your butt really is, and how much it takes to 'really'
hurt. If you can do it without embarrassment, a demonstration of your
'prowess' might help. When your partner sees you smack yourself, hard,
and sees that you really didn't react badly, s/he might get over any
timidity. (BTW, when doing such a demonstration, make sure your
partner can see your face; a 'traditional' spanking leaves your face
hidden, so your partner can't see if you're smiling blissfully or
fighting back tears.) It might help to make a kind of game out if it,
too. Bet something your partner likes against spanks for you, then
coach your partner during your reward spanks.
It also helps, as always, if you can give feedback for every step
forward. If every harder spank gets a "Oh, MUCH better!", the spanks
will get harder and harder! Also, don't be afraid to stop a good
spanking in the middle for a long kiss of appreciation; again, you
might be sacrificing a prime spanking now, but you'll be setting up
better ones to come!
DO NOT mock or tease your partner for not spanking hard enough; this
may feel like you're insulting your partner and can lead to badly hurt
feelings. NEVER FORGET that a reluctance to spank hard is grounded in
some beautiful, caring feelings. You want your partner to see why
those feelings don't apply to your bottom; you certainly don't want to
get rid of them altogether!
<Back>
5.11 How do I minimize the risk of physical injury during spanking
play?
It is the responsibility of both parties to play safely. Just as the
spanker is responsible for respecting limits, the spankee is
responsible for communicating limits. While the spankee may be playing
a submissive role in the scene, he or she still has a real-life
responsibility to assure safe play.
A common mistake of beginning spankers is to play at too fast a pace.
This may not allow the spankee enough time to warm up or to
communicate if there is a problem. At least at first, spankers should
take a slow, deliberate pace.
The spanker should avoid spanking near or above the tail-bone. The
swats should be focused on the fleshy portions of the cheeks. Extra
caution should be taken when using instruments because of the
increased sensation they can administer and because they can cause
actual physical harm if misused. Heavy wooden paddles probably require
the most caution, especially when the spankee is bent over.
Assuming you have a trustworthy partner, you can minimize your risk of
physical harm by playing within your limits.
<Back>
5.12 Can you offer suggestions on how bruising can be prevented - or
at least minimized?
Toys that are heavy in relationship to their breadth bruise more.
Those that are lightweight sting more. Try paddles made of lightweight
plastic or wood to minimize bruising. Wooden spoons, ping-pong
paddles, and spatulas are also good to try. Just because an implement
is lightweight doesn't mean it can't really hurt!
Speeding up the rate between swats greatly affects the sensation.
Varying the number of fast repetitions, rather than the force, offers
another degree of control for the spanker.
Try to relax during play. Tension seems to accentuate bruising. Long,
gradual warmups help too.
If you want to avoid bruising apply cold to your bottom before and
after a spanking.
Keep your skin in good moist condition by using lotion. Dry skin will
crack easier.
You may want to consider a vitamin C supplement of 500mg three times a
day. Vitamin C helps build collagen tissue around blood vessels in the
skin. This will help the vessel resist rupture.
Some people have had good results healing bruises by using arnica
(either topical or oral, available in health food stores) and bruise
plasters (available in Asian herbal pharmacies).
People on anticoagulant medication (heparin, aspirin,
warfarin-coumadin) for problems with clotting should avoid playing
hard. Drugs that fall under the category of anti-inflammatory,
antidepressants or asthma medications also may inhibit clotting under
the skin. These drugs tend to make bruises larger.
<Back>
5.13 Treating a bruise
A bruise is actually internal bleeding. You want to apply ice so that
the blood vessels shut down. Do this in 15 minute intervals. Don't
apply heat to the skin. Let it warm up naturally.
After 24 hours you want to open up the blood vessels to the area so
that the blood that has pooled under your skin can be carried away. To
do this you apply heat.
This same rule should be applied for sore muscles. Always use cold for
thefirst 24 hours and then heat.
<Back>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6. MORE SPANKING ON THE INTERNET
6.1 Other Usenet Groups
Spanking as a legitimate form of discipline for children:
alt.parenting.spanking**
Erotic spanking:
alt.sex.spanking
alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.bondage
alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.spanking**
alt.personals.spanking
alt.personals.spanking.punishment**
alt.sex.bondage
alt.spank.jennifer.capriati
alt.spank.tonya.harding
**Not carried by many servers
<Back>
6.2 Web Sites
Note: This section is not intended to provide a complete list of
spanking related web sites. It includes only a few of the oldest and
most respected sites. Ones that will give you a good place to start.
There are many other sites other than those listed below (both
commercial and non-commercial), that are devoted to various aspects of
spanking. Some are devoted to stories, some to pictures, and others to
being a center for spanking resources and related links. Visiting the
sites listed below and exploring the links they have to other sites,
the spanking enthusiast can embark on a journey through hundreds of
sites spanning the breadth of cyberspace. Happy hunting!
The S.S.S. Resource Page <http://www.amythest.com/sss/>
This site contains information about soc.sexuality.spanking, including
a copy of the FAQ, the SSS Charter, Bios of the current Moderators,
and the current ASS/SSS Roster.
Maman - The Home of Maternal Discipline
<http://super.zippo.com/~lamaman>
Maman is a web site devoted to spanking by females in general and
"maternal" figures in particular. It contains a selection of both
real-life childhood memories, and fiction. "Maman is a non-commercial,
free access site run as a resource for the spanking community, and the
only contribution we ask is for you to share something. "
Laura's Spanking Corner <http://www.goodkitty.com/spanking/>
Maintained by Laura Werner, and no, that isn't her in the picture.
Laura maintains one of the premiere spanking resource pages on the WWW
today. "Welcome to Laura's Spanking Corner, an archive of stories and
other information related to the fine art of erotic spanking. For many
adults, including your hostess, giving and receiving spankings and
other types of corporal punishment is an intense, powerful, and often
erotic experience. It can lead to intense trust, wonderful emotional
releases, delicious naughty feelings, and a great deal of sexual fun!
This web page is dedicated to safe spanking play between rational,
informed, consenting adults. It is not about the disciplinary spanking
of children. If you are looking for discussions on spanking children
for discipline, look in the Usenet group alt.parenting.spanking, not
here, and don't mix your kinks with your children! "
Wulfram's Homepage <http://home.pi.net/~wulfram/home.html>
Wulfram's Homepage has a nice collection of spanking pictures and some
stories, as well as links to many other fine sites.
Uncle Jan's M/M Spanking Site
<http://www.worldonline.nl/~janvv/uncle.html>
The oldest M/M Site on the web. Features new pictures each month, and
links to other M/M sites in both Europe and the United States.
The Society for Human Sexuality at the University of Washington
<http://www.sexuality.org/>
A superb library of files concerning all aspects of sex. (From the SHS
Constitution) "It shall be the purpose of this organization to support
the understanding and expression of human sexuality. We will promote
education about and acceptance of all sexual orientations, as well as
all consensual and safe sexual practices."
Shadow Lane <http://www.shadowlane.com>
"Shadow Lane spanking erotica caters to a wide variety of esoteric
tastes within the corporal punishment genre. Our original spanking
videos are mischievous and uniquely romantic in the scene, designed to
appeal to women as much as to men. We edit and publish the
sophisticated spanking magazine Stand Corrected and distribute a
number of other high quality spanking publications which are all but
impossible to find in stores. We host two large parties each year (In
the Southern California area). We do not sell, trade or release our
mailing list to anyone."
Adam and Gillian's Sensual Whips and Toys
<http://www.catalog.com/utopian/www/whips.html>
Adam and Gillian have been providing whips,paddles and other impact
toys for the BDSM community by mail-order , since 1987. Their catalog
is browsable online at their web site. There is also a text-only
catalog available for download.
Santa Barbara Paddle Company <http://www.west.net/~sbpadl/sbpc.html>
"... is the nation's largest mail-order paddle supplier. Simply put,
our paddles are the finest available. We supply paddles to
fraternities and other organizations and individuals all over the
United States, Canada and the world. Now you can buy hot paddling
videos from us too!! (TPG Video <http://www.west.net/~sbpadl>) You can
order from us with complete confidence and confidentiality. All
products are shipped with privacy in mind and our mailing list is
never released to anyone."
<Back>
6.3 IRC Channels
#spanking
#overlap
#otk
#otkbrats
#xarcon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IRC undernet servers
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You can download a FREE demo copy of mIRC, the most popular IRC
software
in use today, at <http://www.geocities.com/~mirc/>.
Note: In order to get onto the undernet, you should be using one of
the following servers:
albany.ny.us.undernet.org 128.213.5.17 New York
austin.tx.us.undernet.org 128.83.162.106 Texas
boston.ma.us.undernet.org 129.10.22.11 Massachusetts
davis.ca.us.undernet.org 128.120.2.8 California
manhattan.ks.us.undernet.org 129.130.8.12 Kansas
milwaukee.wi.us.undernet.org 140.104.4.169 Wisconsin
norman.ok.us.undernet.org 129.15.22.33 Oklahoma
pasadena.ca.us.undernet.org 131.215.99.9 California
rochester.mi.us.undernet.org 141.210.10.117 Michigan
sanjose.ca.us.undernet.org 192.160.13.4 California
stgeorge.ut.us.undernet.org 144.38.16.2 Utah
tampa.fl.us.undernet.org 131.247.31.19 Florida
washington.dc.us.undernet.org 152.163.51.22 Virginia
<Back>
6.4 Spanking Mailing Lists
SubMiss -- Mailing address is <Sub...@Spanking.Com>. To subscribe
include the word "Subscribe" in the Subject line. A large mailing list
with heavy traffic, devoted to spanking, domestic discipline, and
sexual submission in the context of loving relationships. It has
several sub-lists (called SIGs), including: Age-play, IRC,
TECH-support, BDSM, and others. A digest version is available. For
more info, include "Help" in the subject line. Supports a "Library
corner" of stories and articles which members can download.
Listowners: Bobby & Debbie Scott <Bob...@Spanking.Com>.
The Spanker's Guide To The Galaxy -- Private weekly mailing list sent
out on Sundays. You subscribe from the web site at:
<http://www.iglou.com/fesse>. The mailing includes, stories, articles,
news, info on the web site, and humor.
Listowner: Fesseur <fes...@iglou.com>.
SSO -- (Subject Spanking Only) SSO is a high trafficked list about
spanking. Moderated and controlled by listowner and management team.
Subscriptions are screened carefully to permit adults only who have
this interest. SSO is a list/serv about spanking and spanking related
issues. Twelve Step Program Guidellines are in place regarding
feedback and interaction of members on the list. For more information,
contact <own...@sso-net.com>.
Listowner: Donald K.
<Back>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The authors would like to thank the readers of s.s.s. for all of their
constructive comments and suggestions during the compilation of this
FAQ. Further comments or questions about this document can be sent to:
Greg <peri...@hotmail.com> -or- Amy <A...@amythest.com>.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This document is part of the "BDSM" subsection of this site's online
library. If you're new to this site, we strongly recommend that you
visit our home page to get a better sense of all that we have to
offer.
See also: About Us, An Erotica Guide, Anna Marti, Betty Dodson,
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Hosting Erotic Events, Jack Morin, Laura Antoniou, Library Index,
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[Home]
Bea D. Essem
>1.8 What is the difference between spanking and flagellation?
>
>Spanking is a subset of flagellation. The spankings of interest to
>s.s.s. are reminiscent of childhood spankings that were administered
>at home and school and that were applied primarily to the buttocks.
>This includes spankings with hands, paddles, belts, straps,
>hairbrushes, switches, and canes.
I thank you for your hard work. Allah bless you! Since Palm-it has
been "man enough" in the past to explain the mental illness of sadism
[302.84 in the DSM] and masochism [302.83 in the DSM], a FAQ to which
he contributed will have to do.
Bea D. Essem
>3.2 Keywords Found in Story Subject Lines
>Participants - x/y (x spanks y), where x and y are:
>
>F--> adult female
>f--> young female
>M--> adult male
>m--> young male
>
>b --> pre-teen male child
>g --> pre-teen female child
Pre-teen? SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!
lurker
"Bea D. Essem" <pal...@ix.netcom.com> wrote in message
news:3d37ff9a....@plonk.plonk.plonk...
I fear you have only scratched the surface of their activities.
You need a strong stomach indeed to lurk in the Parsons/Palmer environment.
Bea D. Essem
>1.8 What is the difference between spanking and flagellation?
>
>Spanking is a subset of flagellation. The spankings of interest to
>s.s.s. are reminiscent of childhood spankings that were administered
>at home and school and that were applied primarily to the buttocks.
>This includes spankings with hands, paddles, belts, straps,
>hairbrushes, switches, and canes.
I thank you for your hard work. Allah bless you! Since Palm-it has
Bea D. Essem
>3.2 Keywords Found in Story Subject Lines
>Participants - x/y (x spanks y), where x and y are:
>
>F--> adult female
>f--> young female
>M--> adult male
>m--> young male
>
>b --> pre-teen male child
>g --> pre-teen female child
Pre-teen? SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bea D. Essem
>3.2 Keywords Found in Story Subject Lines
>Participants - x/y (x spanks y), where x and y are:
>
>F--> adult female
>f--> young female
>M--> adult male
>m--> young male
>
>b --> pre-teen male child
>g --> pre-teen female child
Pre-teen? SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bea D. Essem
>1.8 What is the difference between spanking and flagellation?
>
>Spanking is a subset of flagellation. The spankings of interest to
>s.s.s. are reminiscent of childhood spankings that were administered
>at home and school and that were applied primarily to the buttocks.
>This includes spankings with hands, paddles, belts, straps,
>hairbrushes, switches, and canes.
I thank you for your hard work. Allah bless you! Since Palm-it has