[Fwd: [MiSTied] Hellmosexuals and Satanic Influence]
Sylvan SilverNight
MiSTing of three recent postings to several gay discussion newsgroups
that prove LSD testing didn't end in the 60's. I can think of no other
explanation for the psychotic visions shared with the public so lovingly
by Brother Boyd. And, for dessert, I have another Web rant from the
Logos group playing Inquisition.
MiSTing Title: "Hellmosexuals and Satanic Influence"
Individual Pieces/Authors: "Hell is FULL of Homosexuals!", "God Will
PUNISH You Sodomites!" and "Hell Now Larger Than EVER!" by Brother
Norman Boyd and "Indicators of Satanic Involvement" by David L. Brown.
MiSTing Archive Categories: PARA, PG (the originals are pretty vile),
RANT, RR
===============================================================================
(Opening Credits - Mike/Pearl/Bots)
(.....1.....)
(.....2.....)
(.....3.....)
(.....4.....)
(.....5.....)
(.....6.....)
(Scene: SOL Interior. A small pulpit has been set up on the main
console with a cloth laid over its front. On it is a silhouette of TOM.
Two candelabras flank the pulpit as TOM rises up; he is wearing a cassock.)
TOM: (after clearing his throat) Ahem. Hear ye, all faithful and
subservient penitents of the holy writ of Servo; let us rise and give
thanks unto me...
(In the foreground, in front of the console, CROW walks on-camera.)
CROW: Hey Servo, what's up?
TOM: Ahhh! Our first penitent soul hath arisen!
CROW: Hunh?
TOM: Kneel and give thanks, Brother, for I am both merciful *and*
powerful!
CROW: Uh, right.
TOM: (incredulously) Don't you want ever-lasting Salvation, Brother
Crow?
CROW: (calling to MIKE, off-camera) Mike! Servo's playing "God" again!
MIKE: (shouting from off-camera) Again? All right, I'll be right
there...
TOM: What th'? Oooh! Crow!! This isn't playing! It's a legitimate
religion I've started! Servotology!
CROW: Riiiight. And the difference would be...?
(MIKE walks on-camera behind the console next to TOM.)
MIKE: Ok, Tom,... Haven't we warned you about playing God before?
TOM: But Mike; I'm not playing!
CROW: (in a tattle-tale voice) Servo really thinks he *is* a God this
time, Mike!
TOM: But I'm not a God! I'm a leader of a nondenominational,
hyper-secular, philosophically-enlightened, salvation path!
CROW: Which *happens* to be named "Servotology".
TOM: (sighing) Which happens to be named "Servotology". (in an annoyed
voice) Geez! Why does this surprise you? I spent centuries as a
disembodied being of pure energy beyond the edge of the Universe; you'd
think I'd know *something* about the eternal metaphysical questions that
perplex us daily!
MIKE: (skeptically) Well, Tom, I spent the same amount of time out
there and *I* certainly didn't get any cosmic insights to the nature of
life, the Universe and everything.
TOM: Oh ye of little faith! Repent your blasphemous ways or ye shall be
smitten!
MIKE: "Smitten"?
CROW: Listen, Servo. The only wisdom that *I* found at the edge of the
Universe was that Steven Hawkings is right about Dark Matter,
interstellar dust can really itch in your underpants even if you *are* a
disembodied being of pure energy, and eternal oneness with Creation is
nothing compared to a few thousand Nut Goodies!
(The commercial sign lights start flashing.)
TOM: But ... but what about Salvation? What about the dispensation of
your eternal soul?!!
CROW: (in an uninterested tone) What about them?
MIKE: (to the camera) We'll be right back after we sort out this little
heresy.
(MIKE taps the flashing lights.)
MIKE: So Tom, you know something that we don't about the afterlife?
TOM: (stammering) Well, not as such...
(----------go to commercial----------)
(--------back from commercial--------)
(SOL Interior. TOM is still in his cassock but his pulpit is gone.
MIKE is grilling TOM about the finer points of his new religion.)
MIKE: Now Tom, about this whole Tori Spelling being the Anti-Servo; how
do you account for her generally good nature and budding acting skills
in light of your accusations that she's a damnation-inspired temptress
from the third pit of Catalepsy?
TOM: (flustered) Well ... well, isn't it obvious?
MIKE: (shaking his head) Uh, no...
CROW: Yeah, Servo. And since when would the demons of
self-righteousness and superficiality wear the triple masks of Lott,
Starr and Barr?
TOM: (getting annoyed) Well ... well...
MIKE: (thinking about it) Actually, Crow, that kinda makes sense to me...
TOM: (exasperated and bobbing back and forth) Ok! Ok! I admit it!
This new religion is bunk! I just made it up to fulfill my deep-seated
need to be worshipped! Satisfied now?!!
CROW: (shrugging) Yeah.
MIKE: (nodding with a slight smile) Much better, yes...
TOM: (with a sniffle) So, you guy's'll worship me then?
MIKE: Uhhhh... No.
CROW: You kidding? I don't even like following you down the hall after
lunch!
MIKE: But we'll try to remember your birthday...
TOM: You will?
(The mads light starts flashing.)
CROW: I make no promises.
MIKE: Sure we will... But later. Pearl's calling. (He taps the
lights) Yes Pearl?
(Castle Interior. PEARL is dressed in a black suit with dark
sunglasses. She is going over some papers with BOBO, who is dressed
similarly. OBSERVER's normally purple cloak is now a shiny black. Each
of them wears the same type of sunglasses with fedoras ala the
stereotypical Men In Black.)
OBSERVER: (noticing the camera) Ah! Pearl, Mike and the robots are
on
line two.
PEARL: Do they have clearance?
OBSERVER: (stymied) Well, uh, I'm not sure...
BOBO: Oh, but Lawgiver! *You* called *them*, remember?
PEARL: (smacking BOBO with a sheaf of papers) You don't have to remind
me! I'm the brains of this outfit!
OBSERVER: Well, actually Dr. Forrester...
PEARL: Can it, snowball!
OBSERVER: (snapping his mouth shut) Right. Canning in process...
(PEARL walks to the foreground and smiles to the camera.)
PEARL: Well Mike; Bots... Welcome to my newest phase in my overall plan
for world domination!
(SOL. The guys look on skeptically.)
CROW: Hey! They're playing "Men In Black"!
TOM: No fair! I wanna be "Agent J"!
MIKE: (chuckling) Calm down you too. We'll play later. (to the
camera) Uh, Pearl? What's with the mortician get-up?
(Castle.)
PEARL: (dryly) Very funny, Nel-slime. You should be a comedy-writer.
OBSERVER: Indeed. Madame Forrester has hit upon a brilliant direction
for her quest to dominate the primitive life forms on this miserable planet.
PEARL: That's for sure! Y'know time and again, I've asked myself why I
don't rule the world already? I mean, I have the evil know-how, I have
the connections, I have the Secret Masters Of Fiendishness membership
card...
(SOL.)
TOM: Well, it seems to me, Pearl, that your real flaw is that you've
always lacked intelligence.
(The guys nod in agreement.)
MIKE: (nodding) I've gotta agree with you here, Tom.
CROW: I think you hit the nail on the head.
(Castle.)
PEARL: What?!! Why I oughtta...
(SOL.)
TOM: Yep; it seems to me that the reason you have failed time and again
is your complete lack of intelligence regarding what your enemies and
rivals are up to.
CROW: Yeah, your finger isn't exactly what I'd call on the pulse of
current events.
(Castle. The trio look on, dumbfounded.)
PEARL: You ... you knew?!! How long...? (her eyes narrow and her voice
lowers threateningly) When were you going to share this nugget of
information with the rest of us?!!
(SOL. The guys are all wearing dark glasses.)
MIKE: I'm sorry; you weren't cleared for that information.
(The BOTs snicker.)
(Castle.)
PEARL: Oh, so that's how you wanna play it, is it? Bobo! Get me my
Master Plan!
BOBO: Well, wish I could Lawgiver, but I'm afraid I'm not cleared for
that info...
OBSERVER: Bobo's quite right, Madame. First law of international
espionage is to maintain iron-clad security!
PEARL: (annoyed) Fine. Whatever. Brain Guy, get me the Master Plan!
OBSERVER: You mean the one we thought up after capturing those two FBI
agents who came looking for their Society members?
PEARL: (nodding, exasperated) Yeah, that one!
OBSERVER: Inspired by the dour fellah and the red-haired agent?
PEARL: Yes...!
OBSERVER: The one that calls for us to aim a planet-wide tractor beam
at Europa?
PEARL: (angry now) YES! That one!
OBSERVER: (coldly) I'm sorry Pearl; you obviously know too much about
it. You'll have to be ... eliminated. (he draws a small faux-gun from
under his robes.)
(PEARL rolls her eyes, knocks the gun away and grabs OBSERVER by his
tunic just beneath his neck.)
PEARL: Listen, you pigment-challenged, brainless oaf! I want my plans!
(She turns to the camera) Well, Mike, the fine-tuning stage of my
Master Plan has hit a slight snag, so in the meantime, I'm going to send
you some light reading. (she shoves OBSERVER back off-camera with a
crash) It's another in a series of over-weaning theological
condemnations from the USEnet and World Wide Web. Maybe it'll even show
Servo there what a *real* religion can be turned into by a zealot... Enjoy!
(SOL Interior. Lights are flashing.)
TOM: Great. More theology...
MIKE: We've got Internet siiiign!
CROW/TOM: (running to and fro) YAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
(.....6.....)
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(.....1.....)
(Theater Interior. The USEnet troll-spam slowly scrolls up the screen.)
> Subject: Hell is FULL of Homosexuals!
CROW: (in an announcer's voice) Yes, here in Hell, our lease expires in
just 30 days and all Homosexuals MUST GO!
TOM: Stock up now! Bisexuals and Transvestites are 50% off!
MIKE: Fill all your gay needs!
CROW: Offer void in Utah.
> Date: 2 Jun 1999 01:25:53 GMT
> From: Brother Norman Boyd <norma...@hotmail.com>
TOM: (in a shrill, old lady's voice) Norman?! Norman Bates?! Are you
looking at pretty women again?
CROW: (hang-doggedly) No, mother...
> Organization: The One True Church
ALL: Who's the Sun-God? He's the One-God! Ra! Ra! Ra!
> Newsgroups: alt.homosexual
>
TOM: Man, you'd think these guys would have learned by now not to troll
the gay newsgroups.
CROW: Yeah, and aren't trolls just an outgrowth of European, Pagan
mythology?
MIKE: (sounding introspective) Hmmmm... Maybe you're right. Maybe our
'normalboy' here is a repressing Pagan...
> Last night at our Memorial Day Prayer Meeting the Lord caught me up
> in the Spirit and showed me visions of Heaven and hell.
TOM: But it was after six p.m., so I couldn't get the matinee prices.
> In hell I saw literally BILLIONS of homosexuals.
CROW: (in a Carl Sagan voice) Bill-yons and bill-yons...
> They are digging
> ever deeper pits in the burning cinders to make room for their fellows,
> who fall out of the sky in ever greater numbers without ceasing.
TOM: Talk about overcrowding the prison system...
CROW: Sounds like God needs to open up a tenth level.
> They
> writhe in torment as they are sodomozed by demons for all eternity. They
> long for even the tiniest droplet of pure water to quench their
overpowering
> thirst and to cool their blistered brows.
MIKE: Y'know guys, this is sounding less like a vision and more like a
bad acid trip.
CROW: (in a freaked-out voice) They're everywhere, man! Everywhere!
Little demons with ... with ... three-pronged toothpicks! They're
sodomoz-ing me!
> Yet there is no water in hell,
> no rest, nor release. The digging of stinking, caustic, radioactive ore
> goes on twenty-four hours a day.
TOM: (in a deep, conspiratorial voice) The secret source of U-235!
CROW: Well, not anymore...
TOM: Hunh?
MIKE: 'Fraid Crow's right, Tom. Lucifer *was* part of the original
Manhattan Project, but his firm, Satantech, got taken over in a hostile
stock-trade by Oppenheimer and Fermi in 1952.
TOM: Geez, why am *I* always the last one to find this stuff out?
> The suffering sinners lose all track of
> time because there is no daylight in hell -- only flame.
TOM: (singing) "Is this burn-ing, an eter-nal flame?"
> Flesh that was
> once lusted after, slavered over, and worshipped is now burn to a crisp.
MIKE: Now, is Brother Boyd describing Hell here, or K.F.C.?
> The cries of the damned rise up from the pit every second, but are only
> echoed back onto those who willfully and deliberately said no to God and
> the Sacred Salvation He offereth.
TOM: And apparently God, in his infinite Wisdom, just sits back and has
a good chuckle about it all... (in an exasperated voice) That's it
guys, we gotta bring this "God" fellah down!
MIKE: (with a chuckle) Tom, keep in mind; that's not really God. Where
extremists are concerned, it's more like the Actor who plays him on TV...
TOM: Well, he's not getting *my* Emmy-vote!
> Lesbians will fare no better in the hereafter, let me assure you.
CROW: Hell is an Equal-Opportunity torturer...
> Because they closed up their orifices to men they will be whipped
> mercilessly by she-demons and brutally violated by lust-crazed satyrs for
> all eternity.
CROW: Whoa... Now *there's* an image! Heh-heh...
TOM: Think Boyd might be repressing some fantasies here?
MIKE: Either that or he's spent one day too long on FurryMUCK.
> Then they will be ripped open and scattered to the burning
> winds. They will nonetheless never die. One leg will be caught in a
> thornbush, another will be crushed under an avalanche -- and the agony
> only increases with every passing moment.
MIKE: (standing up) Uh, Mr. Boyd? Mike Nelson here. Uh, if these are
the kind of dreams you've been having, maybe you'd consider counseling?
(he shrugs and sits down again) Just a suggestion...
> No one ever climaxes in hell -- except the demons -- whose seed is
> scalding hot.
CROW: Demon seeds? Hey, they weren't in my Garden Path catalog!
> No one ever gets out of the Bottomless Pit, my friends,
> and God will no longer hear your desperate please for mercy.
TOM: Yeah, well, apparently all-knowing, all-powerful and
all-compassionate has its limits.
CROW: Besides, spelunkers at Carlsbad found the bottom of that pit
decades ago!
> You will be
> tortured forever and ever without a second's respite.
> God then showed me a Vision of Heaven.
MIKE: It looked like a J.C.Penny's White Sale...
> Because I took my problems
> with homosexual lust to Jesus and laid them at His Feet saying, "Not my
> will, but Thine, O Lord, be done," I shall dwell in an eighty-room
> mansion on a twenty-square-mile estate with soothing rivers and streams
> and swaying pine trees to sit under and meditate upon the Glories of
> God.
TOM: Well, *someone's* got a pretty inflated sense of self-worth here!
CROW: Either that or he's hoping Jesus has a foot-fetish.
MIKE: CROW!!
> I will have crushed velvet draperies and the finest crystal
> chandeliers in every room.
CROW: (in a child-like voice) And I'll have a pony, a swimming pool, a
race-car that goes real fast...
TOM: (in a similar voice) And God'll give me a big rocket ship with
real photon torpedoes, and ... and ... everything!
> I will walk on streets of pure gold and find
> precious jewels falling from every wall.
MIKE: (as a news announcer) The economy of Heaven collapsed today when
a surplus of precious stones was found falling from the sky. Witnesses
chalked it up to an Act of God.
TOM: So if God hates homosexuals, why did he hire Liberace to do the
interior decorating?
> I will pick up such baubles and
> fling them aside.
CROW: (ducking) Hey! Watch where you're throwing those things!
> Next to Jesus, Whose Glorious Light filleth every
> cubic inch of the place, such trinkets are as nothing. I will hear the
> great sages of your preach and teach while basking in lush glades where
> thrushes and doves coo.
TOM: The great sages of your what?
MIKE: I think he meant "Yore", Tom.
TOM: Yeah, well if these sages are so great, why are they basking around
under coo-ing doves? I mean haven't they seen the state of statues in
most public parks?
CROW: Y'know Servo, he might have been talking about the great sages of
"Yor, Hunter From The Future"... Like that old guy who did the "Flying
Walendas"-bit over the nuclear reactor.
MIKE: (shuddering) For the sake of the afterlife, let's hope not.
> Surely no one in his right mind would choose hell over Heaven. Don't
> believe the lies you hear about hell. You will NOT party there or enjoy
> the company of the damned.
CROW: TV's Urkel stars with Fran Drescher in "Company of the Damned"!
MIKE: (in a menacing voice) The guests you never thought would leave...
> You will HATE every second of it.
TOM: So Hell is like reading this post, then?
> Choose
> eternity in Heaven NOW!
CROW: Act NOW! Call 1-800-GOOD-HEAVENS! Salvation *is* limited...
> No short-lived earthly treasure OR pleasure is
> worth even a moment in hell. Please, please, brothers and sisters, I beg
> of you, repent now and stay OUT of hell. God doesn't want anyone to buen
> in hell,
MIKE: Then I suppose he shouldn't have *created* Hell in the first
place, now shouldn't he?
CROW: How do you 'buen' in Hell anyway?
> but many of you with your scoffing and mocking and intenttional
> disobedience leave Him no choice in the matter.
TOM: (snickering) Intenttional scoffing and mocking? Now, who would do
something horrible like that?
> Ye must turn or BURN!
TOM/CROW: (chanting) Turn it, turn it, turn it...
MIKE: (sighing) Guys, Brother Normal here doesn't have a gun in his
hand and even if he did, he's not about to shoot himself with it.
CROW: Well, hope springs eternal...
>
> Praying HARD for you,
CROW: (in a Beavis voice) Heh-heh... Heh-heh... He said "Hard".
(The guys get up to go; MIKE picks up TOM as he heads out past CROW.)
>
> Brother Norman Boyd
> Heaven-Bound and FREE at Last!
TOM: Yeah? Well, so are we...
(They depart the theater.)
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(.....3.....)
(.....4.....)
(.....5.....)
(.....6.....)
(SOL Interior. TOM is sitting behind the console, leaning over a piece
of paper. A tiny pencil is attached to one of his hands and he bobs it
to and fro as if writing.)
TOM: (in a halting, low voice; as if echoing what he's writing) Dear
God... I am writing to you regarding one of your eternal servants;
Brother Normal. (he pauses as if thinking, then resumes.) Look, God;
Normal has made numerous USEnet claims to having been gay earlier in his
life, but *you* turned him around. (TOM pauses again) Now as I see it,
this makes *you* at least *partially* responsible for his current
behavior. (starting to get angry) Can you please tell him to knock it
off?!! I mean, really; this guy is *extremely* sick! I mean what kind
of God are you anyway?!! (TOM's voice starts rising to a pitch) What
did we do to deserve this kind of treatment from some nut with
nightmares?!! Desecrate a shrine?!!
(A sudden BOOM echoes through the room accompanied by heavenly music.
The hexfield viewscreen opens shedding blindingly bright light through
the main console room. TOM looks startled and turns towards the hexfield.)
TOM: (in awe) Oh, my God... It's ... God!
GOD: (in a warm, baritone voice of wisdom) Yes, Tom; it is I...
TOM: (shivering) Uh, gee God; Ummmm... (TOM starts stammering; getting
even more nervous for his tone of voice in his letter) I ... I'm sorry
about tellin' ya off like that an' all... (he gulps) B..but it's just
that this Brother Normal is *really* getting on my nerves...
GOD: (chuckling) Normal? Oh, "Norman"! Don't get me started on *that*
nut! He really is a pain in the tuckus, isn't he?
TOM: (doing a double-take) What? You know about him?
GOD: (annoyed-sounding) Well, what did you expect?
TOM: (in an embarrassed, rushed tone) Oh, right. All-knowing,
all-seeing and that stuff... Right. (after a pause) Well, uh, if you
know about him, why don't you just smite him or something? Take him off
our hands?
GOD: What? And have to deal with him personally any sooner than I
*have* to? Just what part of "Omniscient" are you interpreting as "stupid"?
TOM: Geez, don't get huffy...
GOD: (sighing) I'm sorry, Tom; but the truth is, I just don't work that
way... Brother Boyd has to be given the same chance as everyone else to
make amends for his wrongs in this life.
TOM: Yeah, but Boyd says that it doesn't matter *what* homosexuals do!
He says that they'll all be tortured forever if they don't give up their
relationships!
GOD: (chuckling in a good-natured way) Oh come on, Tom... Would I do
something like that? Heaven's big enough for *all* My children -
homosexual and straight alike! Heck, I even have room for really
depressing homosexuals like Tennessee Williams!
TOM: Wow! Tennessee Williams is in Heaven?
GOD: Who do you think's heading up our Theater Arts department?
TOM: So gay people aren't going to suffer?
GOD: Well, I *am* all-compassionate, you know... Was there ever any
doubt?
(The music stops and the hexfield closes with a bump. The heavenly
lights fade.)
TOM: Wow... Just think; God! (he does a double-take) Uh, wait! God!
What's the nature of life? How can I find happiness? God?!!
(CROW and MIKE walk in, talking about maintenance issues)
CROW: I dunno, Mike; I still think we should let the auto-repair work on
my...
TOM: (interrupting) Crow! Mike! God was just here! He was here and
... and everything!
CROW: Hunh?
MIKE: God?
TOM: (still enthused) Yeah! He was just here an' everything! He told
me that gay people were Ok and that Tennessee Williams is still
gainfully employed and that Normalboy is just a loud fruitcake!
MIKE: (chuckling amiably) Whoa... Slow down, Tom... Slow down...
TOM: But it's *true* Mike! He was here and ... and everything!
CROW: Suuuure, Tom. God came here and told you the secrets of the
Universe...
TOM: (sounding a bit dejected at first) Well, not exactly. I didn't
ask him about that part... (brightening) But he *did* tell me the rest
of it!
(The commercial sign lights start flashing)
MIKE: (patting TOM on the shoulder) Well, that's just great Tom... (to
the camera) We'll be right back.
TOM: (insistently) But He *was* here, Mike! He was!
MIKE: (nodding) Of course he was, Tom. Of course...
(----------go to commercial----------)
(--------back from commercial--------)
(Theater Interior. The guys enter from the right as the troll spam loads.)
TOM: I'm telling you guys, it really *was* God...!
CROW: (annoyed) Give it a rest, Servo.
(They take their seats.)
MIKE: Well, here we go again; brace yourselves guys...
> Subject: God Will PUNISH You Sodomites!
TOM: Mike? Why do bad movies have sequels so often?
MIKE: Well, it's mostly financial.
CROW: Yeah; The easiest films to make are cheap films, Servo.
MIKE: And -like many emails- they require less thought and care so they
tend to come out rapidly and with lower quality than stand-alone scripts...
TOM: Oh, I see now! So, it's out of a desire to cash in on a popular
theme with as little original outlay or substance as possible?
CROW/MIKE: Exactly...
> Date: 8 Jun 1999 01:51:01 GMT
> From: Brother Norman Boyd <norma...@hotmail.com>
CROW: The Ed Wood of religious email!
> Organization: The One TRUE Church
> Newsgroups:
alt.homosexual,alt.gay,alt.queer,alt.sodomite,alt.filth,alt.fags
>
> You sinners can scoff and mock all you want to.
TOM: (in a Jay Leno voice) Scoff all you want; we'll mock more.
(CROW and MIKE groan)
> You can't stop the
> rising tide of Divine WRATH that will soon collide with the earth and
> utterly destroy all life upon it.
TOM: Wasn't that the plot of "Armageddon"?
CROW: Sounds more like "The Fifth Element" to me...
MIKE: "Star Queers 2: The Wrath of John Divine"!
> Jesus is coming very soon and with Him
> the Terrible Judgment of sinners like you who love the devil and make fun
> of Holy Things.
TOM: Yes, Jesus is bringing the judgment of sinners upon the righteous
for their centuries of misdeeds in His name!
MIKE: Pretty fitting punishment, if you ask me...
CROW: "Make fun of Holy Things?" We can't joke about doughnuts?
MIKE: Apparently only devilish doughnuts, Crow.
CROW: (exasperated) Well, that's just great. There goes my new
material! (He throws a sheaf of papers up over his head which flutter
down over the three of them.)
> By this time next year you could easily be strapped to a
> windlass and slow-roasted over a roaring fire for centuries on end.
TOM: If you lived here, you'd be tortured by now...
> Satan is planning a big barbecue, all right, and he's fooled most of you
> into thinking it's a big party where you can carouse and revel and lust.
CROW: Brother Normal isn't capable of understanding sarcasm, I guess...
MIKE: It's probably just a defense mechanism, Crow. How else can he
explain his failure to convert the sinners except to take their snide
comments seriously?
> You're all in for a VERY rude awakening when Jesus comes to separate His
> Faithful Sheep from the devil's nasty old goats. And I can guarantee you
> He's going to turn you goats into a huge heap of burgoo!
TOM: Goat burgoo?
CROW: (in a Wilford Brimley voice) It's the right thing t' do!
MIKE: (after a pause, to CROW) Now, *that* was obscure...
CROW: Thanks, Mike!
> How DARE you smegma-sniffing flesh-worshippers insinuate that Our
> Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ was a sodomite -- or even sympathetic to
> you seed-slurping, anus-licking riff raff.
TOM: How *dare* you imply that the Prince of Peace was compassionate?!!
CROW: Geez, this guy has a terrible potty-mouth, Mike!
MIKE: Well, someday he'll have his mouth washed out with soap. Don't
worry; what goes around, comes around.
> He came here to CURE
> homosexuality, not to defend your "rights" to engage in it.
TOM: So, Jesus was God's repair man?
MIKE: Yeah, and Heaven an' Earth were built by the lowest bidder.
> When the
> Holy Bible says Jesus cured cases of leprosy, it usually means He healed
> cases of herpes spread by promiscuous homosexuals.
CROW: (singing) "Leprosy... I've got pieces falling off of me... I'm
half the man I used to be, all because of le-pro-sey..."
> Ditto the blind and
> deaf and dumb.
MIKE: Ray Charles, Marlee Matlin and Rush Limbaugh?
> Most such defects are caused either by inbreeding or by
> some sort of venereal horror that is transmitted sexually -- and usually
> HOMOsexually.
MIKE: Homosexuality causes blindness? Does the Center for Disease
Control know about this?
TOM: Forget the C.D.C.! Does Scott Thompson know about this?!!
CROW: Sounds like Boyd's mother used to tell him that if he didn't stop
doing that, he'd go blind.
> And Jesus did NOT cradle the Apostle John in His Arms. You will
> give an accounting to Christ Jesus in person for your foul blasphemy of
> His Holy Truth as recorded in the Bible.
MIKE: One would hope Jesus would have a sense of humor about all this,
otherwise there's gonna be one long line!
TOM: Yeah, Salvation would take forever.
> And how dare you give ear to devil-loving witches who put a dress on
> Satan and call him a "goddess."
CROW: Lucifer's a transvestite?
MIKE: Not exactly Crow. He's talking about the Witches and Pagans now.
TOM: Hmmm... Does that also include those who want co-redeemership of
Mary to be cannon?
MIKE: (shrugging) Probably. It sounds like any female image would
threaten Normalboy, here.
> Don't you realize that Satan is the wily
> serpent who will tell absolutely ANY kind of filthy lie just to get
> people into hell? It's true.
TOM: (in a German accent) Ah... But vot is "truth"?
> I have seen legions of unrepentant
> homosexuals baking in the fiery furnaces of hell.
ALL: (annoyed) We know.
> They thought they were
> going to a picnic in Satan's tropical garden. Little did they know they
> were going to a 24-7 TORTURE chamber where the agony never lets up.
CROW: What, Microsoft Tech Support?
TOM: (in a deep, menacing voice) Where do you want to go today?
> Some
> of you will be roasted alive in burning potholes and urinated on by
> demons.
MIKE: Actually, that sounds more like braising than roasting.
CROW: Mike, have you been watching the TV Food Network again?
MIKE: (reverently) Bobby Flay is God.
> Many of you will swim in vast shallow seas of feces, into which
> hundreds of new homo sinners pour every day - head first. That's because
> you're all so focused on your anuses and vile bodily fluids.
CROW: Seems to me that Boyd is more fixated on bodily fluids than most
gay people...
> You will
> ALL grow to regret every sick homosexual thought you ever allowed to
> dominate your feeble minds.
TOM: For a guy who believes that cases of blindness, deafness and
mute-ness can be attributed to homosexual sex, isn't calling the mental
facilities of gays "feeble" like the pot calling the kettle black?
> Please, brethren, for your own sake, say NO to Satan today and
> repent of your many sins of disgusting sodomy and gomorramy.
MIKE: So Boyd's answer is to "just say 'No'"?
CROW: Well, it *is* a brilliant approach, Mike! It sure worked in
curbing drug use amongst American youth, didn't it?
> God doesn't
> hate you.
TOM: Which is *why* he created an escape-proof pit of eternal suffering
in the first place!
> He loveth you -- and wanteth to heal and SAVE you from an
> eternity in the Pit.
CROW: Why is Brother Normal lisping all of a sudden?
MIKE: Must be lingering elements of Homosexuality.
> But in order to receive His Free Gift of Salvation
> you MUST renounce the devil and his temptations, including fleshly lusts
> for persons of the same sex.
TOM: Yes, if you open your new account with Heaven Financial, you'll get
this Free Gift of Eternal Salvation!
CROW: Jesus Saves!
MIKE: Yeah, but he only gets 1.25%.
> Homosexual acts are ABOMINATIONS unto the
> Lord, but God can and will help you throw off the homosexual yoke of
> Satan and to escape the horrors of homo hell.
TOM: Homo Hell? Must be in the unabridged version of "The Inferno".
>
> Pray to God and He Will SAVE You,
> Unworthy Scabs That You Are!
CROW: Geez, I wish he'd make up his mind... Is he insulting gays or
saving them?
MIKE: He's probably never heard that it's easier to attract flies with
honey than with vinegar.
TOM: Mike, lets face it. Brother Boyd's probably never heard of
subtlety, sarcasm *or* honey!
>
> Brother Norman Boyd
> Fount of Christian Compassion
(All break down laughing)
TOM: Yep, when I think of compassion, the three names that leap to mind
are Mother Theresa, Florence Nightingale and Norman Boyd.
> The One TRUE Church
>
CROW: Whoa; bet that comes as a real surprise to the Hindus and
Santerians...
(Fade to planet bumper.)
(----------go to commercial----------)
(--------back from commercial--------)
(SOL Interior. The guys have a picnic cloth set on the main console, a
basket of sandwiches, a thermos and a relish tray.)
MIKE: Well, then...
CROW: Yep; well then...
(TOM simply shakes his head.)
TOM: Y'know what disturbs me most about Boyd, guys?
CROW: Uhhhh... His steadfast adherence to visions and dreams over
philosophical analysis and judgment?
MIKE: I know! His seeming contradictions between his claims to have
been a homosexual and his apparent total lack of understanding of the
motivations behind gay relationships!
TOM: (shaking his head again) Not quite, guys. It's Brother Normal's
reactions to being mocked and derided. It was almost as if he could
hear us...
CROW/MIKE: (understanding) Ahhhhh....
CROW: Yeah, that *was* disturbing!
MIKE: Almost as if he was aware of us; reading his post like that...
TOM: As if we were characters on some low-budget, cable-TV show...
(Slowly, all three look towards the camera; MIKE looking disturbed.
After a couple seconds, the mads light starts flashing.)
TOM: (laughing it off) But it's probably the usual reaction from a
zealot, disturbed that his message is eliciting humor rather than fear.
(They chuckle amiably at TOM's assessment.)
CROW: That sounds about right, Tom...
MIKE: (sighing) Yeah, but now we've got an incoming communication from
the Castle on the hexfield viewscreen. (he taps the light) Yes? Hello?
(The hexfield opens to reveal the interior of a kitchen. PITCH is
standing there in a chef's hat.)
PITCH: (rubbing his hands together) Ahhhh... Greetings one and all!
ALL: (in a dull monotone) Hello, Pitch.
PITCH: I've been working hard down here in Hell's kitchen and I just
thought I'd introduce you guys to our new assistant chef; noted
character actor, Wilford Brimley!
(An older man looking a lot like Kevin Murphy dressed up to look like
Wilford Brimley walks on-camera next to PITCH.)
WILFORD: Hello!
PITCH: Yep; after his stint in Cocoon 2, his status as a lesser devil
was confirmed and has been growing by leaps and bounds ever since!
WILFORD: We'll never grow old and we'll never die...
MIKE: (dubiously) So now you've got him working in Pearl's kitchen...
WILFORD: Well, you can't expect a fellah to start *out* at
Commander's
Palace, do you?
CROW/TOM: Hunh?
PITCH: That's right Willy... Keep reaching for the stars!
(Behind PITCH and WILFORD, PEARL -still dressed in a black suit and her
spy accessories- walks in carrying a bowl full of glop.)
PEARL: Ok, Pitch; I don't know what you've done for breakfast, but it's
about as edible as a Chicken McNugget! (She notices WILFORD) Who's this?
PITCH: (rubbing his hands together) Ahhhh, Pearl! Uh, this is Wilford
Brimley; star of stage, screen and -now- your kitchen!
WILFORD: Oatmeal does a body good!
PEARL: (looking annoyed) Listen Pitch, this so-called breakfast here is
crap-o-la! Fire Brimley or find yourself a new castle to haunt!
PITCH: But ... but, Pearl; what did you expect? This is the food of the
damned!
PEARL: (reaching out and grabbing one of PITCH's oversized ears) Listen
snack-cake, if I want the "food of the damned", I'll go to Denny's.
Until then, lose Brimley, fix me some decent Cream of Wheat and then get
to work on fixing the furnace... (she turns to go) This castle's freezing!
(PEARL departs.)
PITCH: (looking to WILFORD with a shrug) Uh, I don't know what to say...
WILFORD: (amiably) Oh, don't worry about it. I hear there's a
Hell's
kitchen over in Bloomington off 35W; I'll do my internship there...
PITCH: Well, I'm glad you're understanding about the whole thing...
PEARL: (shouting from off-camera) PITCH! Get your lazy butt in gear or
I'll be serving Devil's Food Cake tonight!
PITCH: (hurriedly) But we seem to have reached an impasse. I'll see
you later! (To MIKE and the BOTs) Later fellahs!
ALL: (in a monotone) Bye, Pitch.
(The hexfield closes with a bump.)
MIKE: (shaking his head) Well, I guess it just goes to show that you
never know who's a minion of Lucifer and who's not.
CROW: That's for sure, Mike...
TOM: Yeah, I'll say...
CROW: I mean, Pitch! A servant of Satan? Who'd have thunk it?
MIKE: Yeah, I know what you... (he pauses, looking at CROW; perplexed)
Hunh?
(The movie-sign lights start flashing.)
TOM: Great, now we have spam-sign again...
MIKE: We'll talk about this later, Crow.
(They quickly depart the console room.)
(.....6.....)
(.....5.....)
(.....4.....)
(.....3.....)
(.....2.....)
(.....1.....)
(Theater Interior. The rant slowly scrolls up the screen.)
CROW: So, whatta ya think this one's all about?
> Subject: Hell Now Larger Than EVER!
ALL: (groaning) Oh no...
TOM: Y'know guys? I think I'm never going to go to church again. It's
just too depressing!
> Date: 15 Jun 1999 02:25:27 GMT
> From: Brother Norman Boyd <norma...@hotmail.com>
TOM: Him again? What *is* it with this guy?
MIKE: He must enjoy inflicting pain, Tom.
CROW: Mike, after the previous two bits of USEnet diarrhea from this
nut, he'd have to be the most sadistic clown since Jack Nicholson put on
white face and went traipsing around Gotham City...
> Organization: The One TRUE Church
> Newsgroups: alt.homosexual
MIKE: (after thinking about CROW's statement) Hmmm... He *is* a bit
over-the-top in a comic-book, cartoonish, Fred-Phelps-kinda way...
TOM: (as if having the same revelation) Yeah! And his dialogue *is*
full of overly-descriptive alliteration and childish emotional appeals...
CROW: Hey! All he really needs is a skin-tight costume and a cape!
ALL: (shouting) It's Normal Boy!
CROW: (paraphrasing Kenny from "Gamera") "Enemy of all people".
>
> I attended a twenty-four hour Prayer Rally at Church again on Sunday
> and once again God caught me up in the Spirit and showed me new glimpses
> of eternal hell.
CROW: Another hellish vision? Man, God must really have it in for this
guy...
TOM: Well, wouldn't you?
MIKE: Y'know guys, after a while I'd probably ask God for a break;
prophetic visions can really get in the way of a guy's beauty sleep.
> It seems that a new wing has been added just for sexual
> perverts, most of whom are homosexuals. More about that later.
TOM: Tonight on "Sixty Minutes"!
MIKE: (as an aside to TOM) Actually, I already read about this in "The
Onion". It's no big surprise.
> I don't want any of you to get the wrong idea.
ALL: Too late.
> There are more
> heterosexuals in hell than homosexuals. The problem is that 98% of the
> homosexual population goes to hell, while only about 66.6% of the
> heterosexual population goes to hell.
MIKE: Whoa! Population surveys in Hell!
CROW: Well, where do you think all the telemarketers go?
TOM: But what about that 2% of homosexuals who aren't in Hell?
CROW: Oh, well they have time off in Limbo for good behavior!
> God does NOT hate homosexual
> people. He loves them and is eager to heal and to cleanse them of the
> nasty affliction that makes them lust after members of the same sex.
MIKE: Wouldn't you think that being a disembodied soul in Heaven would
kinda address that issue?
> But
> He cannot tolerate disobedience.
TOM: Jehovah: butch dominatrix.
CROW: (after making a whip-cracking sound) On your knees, maggots!
Worship at my feet!
TOM: Geez Crow, again with God's foot-fetish?
CROW: I, uh, don't know what you're talking about, Servo...
> He despises their sin and His Flaming
> Wrath is cast down onto those who cling to their sins and actually take
> pride in them.
TOM: And now we have a flaming God...
CROW: (as God) Oh, you thilly boy! Heaven is for *everyone*! (giggle)
> Homosexuals destroy the fabric of society by making
> wanton sex the basis of relationships.
MIKE: For an allegedly former-homosexual himself, I kinda get the
feeling that Brother Boyd had the wrong idea about what the basis of a
relationship is in the first place.
CROW/TOM: (sarcastically) Noooooo...!
> They also abuse children in an
> effort to recruit them into the devil's lifestyle.
TOM: (in a whisper) Pssst! Hey kid, wanna buy a lifestyle, cheap?
CROW: First one's free...
> Heterosexuals prey on
> the young as well, and God will annihilate them for that, but homosexuals
> are obsessed with "boys" and actually vampirize their youth and vigor.
CROW: (in a bad Lugosi/Count Floyd accent) Blah! Blah! I vant to suck
your...!
MIKE: (grabbing CROW's beak and holding it shut) That's enough of that,
Crow...
CROW: (muffled) Awwww...
> Vampires and werewolves are not the creatures of books and movies, but
> there are homosexuals who drain the vitality and bodily fluids of others.
TOM: Oh great, now he's bashing gay werewolves!
MIKE: I wonder if he knows about Buster Wilde?
> God showed me harsh visions of the lower depths of hell so you would
> get the message about homosexuality and mend your ways in time to stay
out.
TOM: You sure he wasn't just trying to send *you* the message, Norman?
> Homosexuals who open up their dirty anuses to penetration by other
> men and any number of inanimate -- and one or two animate -- we all know
> about the gerbils some people use --
CROW/TOM: Eeewwwwwwww!
TOM: Geez, Mike! This is really disturbing! He's really obsessed with
all sorts of deviant behavior here!
MIKE: Hang in there, Tom.
TOM: Oh, I'm not concerned for me, Mike. I'm worried about him!
Normalboy's obsessions really seem unhealthy! If he's not careful he
could end up stressing himself to an early grave!
CROW: If *I* were him, I'd be more worried that my sphincter would
tighten up to the point where I'd pucker myself out of existence.
MIKE: (suppressing a laugh) Crow!!
> objects will be impaled on sharp
> stalagmites in the new wing of hell, which is called "the Caves."
MIKE: (in a "Mole People" professor voice) Down ... down...
CROW/TOM: Mike!
MIKE: (cowed) Sorry, sorry...
> Corrosive fumes rise from the floor of the Caves at intervals, burning
> the flesh of the spiked Sodomites.
CROW: (like a high school principal at a prom) All right, who spiked
the Sodomites?
> There are frequent volcanic eruptions
> and showers of hot cinders, from which no sinner can escape.
CROW: "Joe Versus The Volcano 2: Hell's Revenge"
MIKE: Starring Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan and Rosanne along with a host of
diabolic extras!
TOM: Coming this Christmas to a theater near you.
> On the
> shoulders of each such sinner sits another with his secret parts
> (sometimes including the anus) close to the mouth of the Stalagmite
> Sitters.
TOM: Humans have secret parts?
MIKE: Yeah, we don't talk about it often, Tom. They're small
compartments under our arms where we store our valuables.
CROW: Really? Neat!
> Urine and feces pour forth in great abundance into the mouth of
> the Shoulder Straddlers.
TOM: Geez Crow, you were saying something about a potty mouth?
CROW: I think I'm going to have to scrub my eyes out with soap after
reading this.
> Men can be stacked five or six high in this
> way.
TOM: Oh, I get it; Hell has a Tupperware-like efficiency!
> The topmost has a stalactite shoved down his throat. The sinners
> writhe and struggle to free themselves from the endless torment but in
> vain.
MIKE: Wouldn't it be easier to simply tape their eyelids open and force
them to watch "The View" for all eternity?
> Demons fly by and rip limbs off the sufferers and feast on them.
> Their urine and feces are smeared into the open wounds. The air is thick
> with biting gadflies and stinging wasps.
CROW: Arianna Huffington and Janet VanDyne?
> A demon announces that the
> Caves are to be considered the steamrooms and saunas in which hundreds of
> homosexual fantasies were played out on God's Green Earth.
CROW: Well *there's* Norman's problem! He's been listening to
announcements made by demons!
TOM: You'd think he'd be smarter than to listen to their accounts of
what the afterlife is like...
(after a brief pause)
CROW: (muttering in a Beavis-like voice) Heh-heh. Demons rule...
>
> Lesbians who closed their wombs to men are often impaled on geysers whose
> rushes of superheated but dirty water and lava scald their most sensitive
> parts.
TOM: (exasperated) Man, Sigmund Freud would have a field day with this
guy!
CROW: Spurting geysers; women who'll have nothing to do with him... You
don't need a shrink to figure out this message, Tom.
> Parasitic worms chew away at the breasts they withheld from men
> and had tattooed with other women's names and images.
MIKE: Makes you kinda wonder what's gonna happen to all those guys with
the word "Mom" tattooed on their shoulders...
> Frequent
> hellquakes add to their torment, but they are never dislodged from their
> positions.
TOM: "Hellquakes"? Great, now he's trying to get creative on us.
CROW: Trust me, Tom; Normalboy doesn't even have the creativity of a
sub-par AD&D fan-fic author...
MIKE: An AD&D author who never gets dislodged from his position? Now
that *is* Hell!
> Others who used their fingers to touch forbidden things
> clutch at stalactites from which sulfuric and nitric acid drips
> endlessly, running down their flabby bodies and dissolving their flesh,
> which soon regenerates.
TOM: How Promethean; Boyd's borrowing from *every* theology now!
CROW: So Mike, refresh my memory again on the Ph-level of the afterlife
and the solubility of the human soul?
> Their blood falls into the mouths of their
> sisters sitting astride volcanic cones. Soon, lime joins sinners
> together as stalactites and stalagmites merge and pierce the internal
> organs of sinners, adding to their agony as their entrails burst forth
> and spatter those being tortured below.
ALL: Ewwwwww!
CROW: Geez, Boyd!
MIKE: (groaning) Well, *that* was a Freddy Krueger moment...
TOM: So, snuff films and stories are illegal, but as long as you
disguise it as preaching, it's Ok?
>
> The screams of the damned never stop, but they only echo back from
> the mouth of the cave, which is generally sealed off from the rest of
> hell by a volcanic lavafall.
TOM: (sarcastically) Oh, it's only *generally* sealed off from the rest
of Hell.
MIKE: Well, the maintenance staff has to be able to get in to clean out
the offices every Wednesday and Saturday.
> The smell of sulfur is so thick you have to
> cut it with a chainsaw.
CROW: But you'll want to use a spoon to get every drop!
>
> None of you want to go to hell, I know. But to get into Heaven where
> Georgian Mansions await with their carefully tended lawns, marble
> columns, gushing fountains, bejewled flagstones, crystal chandeliers,
> satin sheets, and plush carpets
CROW: ...all of which will be meaningless in the light of God's love, so
I don't know why I keep bringing it up...
> you must turn your back on lust --
> particularly on filthy homosexual lust. The most gorgeous man is not
> worth an eternity in the Caves.
MIKE: But Lucy Lawless in fishnet stockings with a whip just might be
though...
> Trust me on this one and REPENT now!
TOM: (singing in falsetto) R-E-P-E-N-T, find out what it means to me!
> Please, pray to God and He will heal you now. Think about the gruesome
> horrors of hell and flee from them.
(The guys get up, MIKE picking up TOM as they get ready to go)
MIKE: Don't worry...
TOM: ...we will...
CROW: Not!
>
> Praying hard for all you hellbound FILTH,
CROW: (as Boyd) I love you all, *you hellbound filth, you*! May God
grant you mercy ... *in HELL*!
>
> Brother Norman Boyd
>
(They depart the theater.)
(.....1.....)
(.....2.....)
(.....3.....)
(.....4.....)
(.....5.....)
(.....6.....)
(SOL Interior. GYPSY is standing with the guys as they walk on-camera
from the right, shaking their heads.)
TOM: Brother, I hope that's the last we hear of *that* mook!
MIKE: I hear ya, Tom...
CROW: Still guys, he *may* have had a point.
TOM: (annoyed) No, Crow. He didn't. End of story.
CROW: No, no... I mean think about his tactics: insult and degrade the
very people you're trying to convince to your way of thinking! Call
them "filth" in an effort to get them to live up to your standards of
cleanliness! It's brilliant!
MIKE: Uh, Crow, I don't think that's really a positive point.
CROW: Why sure it is! Look... (he turns to GYPSY) Say, Gypsy -you
unconsiably rotten cook you- I love and care for your meal-making abilities!
GYPSY: (gasping, as if offended) But Crow! You like my food!
CROW: Of course I do, you poor excuse for a cuisinart... That's why I
have to tell you how depraved and rotten it is!
MIKE: (rolling his eyes) That's enough Crow...
TOM: Yeah, Boyd's techniques don't work.
CROW: Oh yeah, Tom? I wouldn't expect you to understand -rancid pile of
broken circuitry that you are- even though I love you and care for what
happens to you in months to come...
TOM: (doing a double-take) Hunh? Hey! You take that back!
CROW: You want me to take back my love and care? Oh Servo; you cut me
to the quick!
MIKE: (holding CROW's beak shut with one hand) Ok, that's enough of
that, Crow. I mean how would *you* like it if someone did that to you?
(he lets go)
CROW: What do you mean?
MIKE: (pondering idly) Well, what if someone called you a gold-plated
freak with a bowling-pin beak in an effort to discourage you from
chewing your fingernails?
(There's a brief pause as CROW ponders this.)
CROW: (breaking down and crying) G...gold-plated freak?
TOM: Oh geez; good-one, Nelson!
MIKE: Crow, Crow... It was just an example!
CROW: (still sobbing) That's it, I'm outta here! (he dashes off,
shouting back to MIKE and the others) And just for that, I'm going to
chew my nails more than ever!!
(Commercial sign lights start flashing.)
TOM: Great, now we've got commercial sign.
MIKE: Well, I didn't mean...
TOM: I'll go get Crow. (He zips off-camera after CROW) Crow! Put down
those clippers! You don't even *have* fingernails!
GYPSY: That's Ok Mike... I still love you... (She rests her head
against MIKE as he hits the buttons)
MIKE: (sighing) Thanks, Gypsy...
(----------go to commercial----------)
(--------back from commercial--------)
(Theater Interior. The web page slowly loads as the guys enter and sit
down.)
MIKE: I'm sorry, Crow. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings...
CROW: Yeah, well, just thank Tom for stopping me from chewing my arm off.
TOM: Think nothing of it.
> Indicators of Satanic Involvement
>
TOM: Barring a signed photo of Anton LeVey, that is...
> by David L. Brown
CROW: Hey! Didn't he write that warning to parents about Magic: The
Gathering?
MIKE: At least it's not another USEnet spam from Normalboy.
CROW: Well, he's still a repeat offender in *my* book... When are they
gonna start locking these nuts up?
MIKE: Crow, Mr. Brown is just voicing his opinion.
CROW: No, I meant Pearl, Bobo and Brain Guy!
>
>
>
TOM: Whoa! Vertical, emphasis-spacing! Almost fell in there...
> The existence of one or two of these things is not 100% proof that the
young
> person is involved in Satanism.
MIKE: But it just might be; so feel justified in the violation of your
offspring's privacy!
> It does mean you should look deeper.
CROW: Use a microscope...
> Check
> the persons bedroom, the garage, the basement, tree house or near by woods
> to see if you find other signs.
MIKE: Be sure to check for moles or warts on their skin; and don't
forget to see if your child floats when bound and thrown into a nearby
river... That's a sure sign of Satan's influence!
> If you uncover a number of these signs, it
> is a good indicator that the person is dabbling in the occult. If you have
> any questions contact David Brown at the address that appears at the end
of
> this article.
CROW: Or contact your local exorcist.
>
>
>
TOM: Dang! Those things are like pit-traps... What's with this spacing
anyway?
MIKE: Well, it could be due to anything, Tom. Stripped out images, bad
formatting...
TOM: Incompetent usage of the World Wide Web...
MIKE: Well, yeah... Anything!
> Look for These Signs --
TOM/CROW: (singing) "Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs...!"
>
> Occult drawings on books, notebooks
>
> Discovery of a diary (called a Book of Shadows) filled with strange signs,
> symbols, drawings (pentagrams, 666, horned figures etc.), & written
entries
TOM: (in a teenage-kinda voice) "Dear Diary... I think Marilyn Manson
just rocks; I've told all my friends about him/her and really wish I
could be a slave to the Dark One."
CROW: Are you there Satan? It's me, Marilyn!
>
> Poems speaking of blood, murder, Satan, evil, dying
MIKE: Well, there goes half the prose in the New Testament...
> or mocking God
CROW: Ok, ok, ok... Stop me if you've heard this one... Jehovah and
Lucifer are walking into a bar...
TOM/MIKE: (dryly) We've heard it.
>
> An unusual interest in the Bible without a change in behavior (many people
> read the Bible to learn about Satan or to blaspheme the Scriptures by
> mocking them or writing them backwards)
CROW: (in a concerned mother's voice) Dear, I caught Junior reading the
Bible today and ... and his behavior is just as pearly-white as it was
yesterday!
TOM: (as a concerned father) It must be Satanic influence!
>
> Discovery of a copy of the "Satanic Bible" or "Satanic Rituals" by Anton
> LaVey, books by Aleister Crowley or books other books, magazines, comics
or
> writings with heavy occult themes
TOM: "Hansel & Gretel"!
CROW: "The Tempest"!
MIKE: "The Wizard of Oz"!
>
> Interest in occult-related movies, video games
TOM: Yeah, ya kinda gotta agree with him here, guys. I only saw fifteen
minutes of "Practical Magic" and *already* I wanted to kill someone...
>
> Obsession with fantasy role playing games like Dungeons and Dragons,
Tunnels
> and Trolls, etc.
CROW: *Especially* watch out for that "etc" game; it's a doorway to Hell
itself!
>
> He/she is called by a different name by friends
MIKE: Names like "loser", "geek" and "dweeb" are common amongst
practitioners of the Dark Arts...
>
> Talking in rhyme
TOM: Yes! Shun poetry in *all* it's forms! Rhyme is the work of the
Devil!
>
> Boys growing long fingernails
CROW: I can see it now... Lee Press-on Occult Nails; for the busy
Satanist!
>
> Previously unnoticed cuts, marks, tattoos, or brands on the body (These
are
> often in obscure places like the buttocks, genitals, breasts etc. and
often
> on the left side of the body)
TOM: Well Mrs. Johnson, your son's either involved in the occult or
tends to stagger to the left. Either way, I say we call in Father
Troughton.
>
> Eating raw meat
MIKE: Well, there goes my idea for writing "Steak Tartar for the Soul".
>
> Unusually violent rebellion
(CROW starts humming the Imperial March from "Star Wars")
TOM: (in falsetto) Luke's just not a farmer, Owen; he has too much of
his father in him...
MIKE: (in a fatherly, concerned tone) That's what I'm afraid of.
>
> Occult paraphernalia like bones, animal skulls, knives, candle
(particularly
> black, red, white), pentagrams, hooded robes, etc.
CROW: Sounds like a Wiccan Pre-med student to me...
>
> Evidence of animal torture or sacrifice
ALL: (shocked) Mary Kaye Cosmetics worships the Devil?!!
>
>
>
> What if you discover your son or daughter is dabbling in Satanism or the
> occult?
TOM: Give them up immediately! Shun them! Maybe your next child won't
be broken...
> First, keep calm. Don't lose your temper. Let them know you love
> them and are concerned about their well being.
CROW: Then, when they least suspect it, >WHAM!!< club them like a baby
seal and take them off to an intervention!
> Warn of the dangers
> associated with Satanism, witchcraft and occult practices. It may be wise
to
> contact your pastor, a Christian organization that specializes in working
> with youth dabbling in occult activities or your local police department.
MIKE: Above all, don't discuss different theological beliefs with your
children. It'll only confuse the impressionable scamps.
> Dabbling in Satanism is not just a phase your child will out grow.
CROW: (in a Valley-girl accent) Like, I was totally into Satanism once,
but it's -like- *so* last year. I worship Mithras now!
>
>
>
> For more information, write:
>
> Logos Communication Research & Counseling Dept.
> P. O. Box 173
> Oak Creek, WI 53154
CROW: For all your brainwashing needs...
>
>
>
TOM: Warning! Warning Will Robinson; emphasis approaching!
> Links For Your Convenience
> [ Home ] [ Lauren Stratford ] [ Hitler's Occult Ties ]
MIKE: Y'know, my sister bought me an Occult Tie once. It was this awful
thing with green stripes and yellow dots...
> [ Dangers of Hypnosis ] [ Magic -The Gathering ]
CROW: Been There!
TOM: Read That!
MIKE: Choked on the T-shirt...
> [ The Martial Arts ]
> [ Mythology Examined ] [ New Age Dictionary ]
CROW: (in a 1950's announcer's voice) Redefining reality for a better
tomorrow!
> [ Occult Numerology & (9)
]
> [ Ouija Board - A Game? ] [ About Pocahontas ] [ The Rising Subculture ]
TOM: I don't suppose he's talking about Trekkies, do you?
MIKE: (chuckling) Somehow, I doubt it...
> [ Paganism Examined ] [ Truth About Witches ] [ Witch and Witchcraft ]
> [ A Letter to Witches ] [ Witchcraft Today ]
CROW: You'd think that after centuries of slander and libel, at least
*one* Witch would take these guys to court.
MIKE: I think the statute of limitations against the authors of the
"Malleus Malificarum" ran out some years ago, Crow.
> [ Satan Defined ]
> [ The Purpose of Satan ] [ Does Satan Exist? ] [ Doom of Satan's Lie ]
> [ Satanic Indicators ] [ Satan's Strategy ]
CROW: Hmmm... Now what was that line Gandalf used in "The Two Towers"
to describe a person who studies the ways of the enemy?
> [ D&D - The Game ]
> [ D&D - Biblical View ] [ D&D-Christian Concerns ] [ D&D - Overview ]
MIKE: Gee, all that fuss over just one letter in the alphabet...
TOM: I shudder to think of what he has to say about M&M's.
>
> How you can be Sure you are going to Heaven
> E-mail questions and comments to Pastor David Brown
CROW: That's all you gotta do to get to Heaven? Send some questions and
comments to this guy?
TOM: Man, God's admission policies have really gotten lax!
MIKE: (picking up TOM and heading out) Well, at least salvation can be
found via the Internet. A lot of religions are still using snail mail...
(They depart the theater.)
(.....1.....)
(.....2.....)
(.....3.....)
(.....4.....)
(.....5.....)
(.....6.....)
(SOL Interior.)
CROW: Whew! That was mercifully short!
MIKE: Yeah, Pearl must be slipping...
TOM: (suspiciously) Slipping? Maybe... But maybe it was part of your
own dark plan, Crow!
CROW: Hunh?
TOM: Oh, don't think I didn't notice! You have the sign of the Devil
all over you!
MIKE: Uh, Tom...?
TOM: Don't stop me Mike, this evil fraud must be revealed for what he
is! Ever notice how his crest looks suspiciously like two long horns
joined in the middle? Coincidence? I think not!
MIKE: (quietly) ...actually, it looks more like a Lacrosse racket...
CROW: Oh yeah? Well what about you?!! You're red, short and don't have
normal legs!
TOM: What? But I was designed this way...
CROW: (skeptically) Oh? Or could your lack of legs be because you're
hiding your *hooves*?!!
MIKE: (intervening) Ok, Ok... That's enough guys. There's no Satanic
influence on the Satellite.
TOM: Yeah? Well, I'd expect you to say that, Mr.
I-won't-wear-a-red-jumpsuit. Why is that, again Mike? Because it'd
make you look too much like the Devil you are?!!
MIKE: Hunh?
CROW: And you ever notice how he always gets off on punishing us? It's
almost as if it's his *job* to punish people!
TOM: Oh my God, Crow! You're right! Why he's even called this
satellite his "own personal Hell"!
MIKE: Now wait a minute...
CROW: He's the Devil!
CROW/TOM: AAAAHHHHHHHHH! (they go running off-camera)
MIKE: Crow! Tom! Come back; I'm not the Devil!
(MIKE goes running after the bots as the mads light starts to flash.
Slowly, from behind the console, PITCH rises up with an evil grin and
taps the light before sinking back down again.)
(Castle. BOBO is strapped down under a Goldfinger-like laser as PEARL
stands in the foreground next to a big switch. She's holding a pet
chinchilla in her hands and stroking it softly.)
PEARL: (in a slow, steady tone) So, Agent Bobo-Seven; you have
succeeded in capturing my beloved Fig Newtons. But -in the end- it is
*you* who have been captured!
BOBO: Yeah? Well, you expect me to talk?
PEARL: (rolling her eyes and adopting a more normal tone of voice) No.
I expect you to cough up my Fig Newtons or else I'll start splitting
hairs! (she puts the chinchilla down and puts her hand on the switch)
BOBO: Oh!
(OBSERVER steps in from stage-left abruptly, panting.)
OBSERVER: Madame! You can call off the vivisection! (With a
flourish,
he produces a package of Fig Newtons) I found them on the chair in the
kitchen!
PEARL: (abashedly) Of course! I must've left them there after my late
night snack! Boy! Is my face red! (she takes the Newtons with a smile
and addresses the camera) Well, that's all I could dredge up today
guys; but don't you worry... Now that Auntie Pearl has her Fig Newtons,
I'll be even better prepared to visit my vengeance upon you next time!
(She removes a Newton from the bag and pops it in her mouth, leaning on
the switch as she does so)
(Fade to black as we hear a ZAP and BOBO's scream of pain.)
OBSERVER: I'll get the Bactine.
-----x-----
CREDITS:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 was created by Joel Hodgson.
This MiSTing is the mental work and suffering of David J Rust.
Special thanks to Jonah Falcon (NYnLA...@aol.com) for the Liberace
joke! :)
Dr. Forrester, Pearl Forrester, Brain Guy, The Observer, Professor Bobo,
TV's Frank, Joel Robinson, Mike Nelson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo, Gypsy,
Cambot, Magic Voice, Deep 13, the Satellite of Love and other specific
contents are copyright (c) 1999 (currently) of Best Brains, Incorporated
and is used without permission as an act of parody. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc. -or any other individual, company or
organization identified herein- is intended or should be inferred.
(Keep Circulating The Tapes)
> And I can guarantee you
> He's going to turn you goats into a huge heap of burgoo!