Inside the Developers Studio
Senane
profitable trade skills. In the cackling klaknak's estimation, Brad's blind
obsession with the player driven economy is EQ's potential fatal flaw. I
have to admit that I am extremely harsh with Brad in this parody, so I am
compelled to add that I think he has done an incredible job with this game
and he and his team are to be commended. However, his dedication to the
player run economy has all the intelligence of blunt force trauma.]
We would like to take this time to dedicate a special section to Verant.
Although, to our minds, Everquest has been a fairly well run game to this
point, we feel that the latest shenanigans in the hills of Verantia have
sunk ... nay ... have sunken to new lows in the annals of idiocy. To wit,
the editor's will provide, for the first time, an inside look into the inner
workings of the Verant's development meetings followed by several, special
idiot files.
[Editor's note: idiot files not included (yet)]
Brad: Ok, everyone let's get to work. First, let us open with a prayer, and
then everyone introduce themselves. Jesse.
Jesse Jackson: Thank you. Brad. Let us pray. O Lord please hear our cry, as
we make a better game try. Be with us as we pray for Appalachia, be with us
as we consume pharmacopoeia. Protect us from the irate customer's phlegm,
for only we know what is truly good for them. Amen.
Brad: Amen. Let's introduce ourselves. My name is Brad, and I serve the Dark
Lord.
Three legged mule drunk on cheap scotch: I am in charge of the player run
economy.
A Spoon: Hi, I am a spoon. I am in charge of the trade skills.
Tom Buck: Hello, I am Tom in charge of marketing.
Brad: Ok, good. Now. Who brought the ether?
Tom Buck: Gotcha covered.
Brad: Ok, first of all, as you all know, I have a huge inferiority complex
because .... Bwaaaaaaaaaa ...
Three legged mule: bwaaaaaaa ...
A spoon: Bwaaaaaaa ...
Brad: Bwaaaaa ... great ... ether, man ...
Tom Buck: Bwahhhhh ...
Brad: Can't ... concentrate ... who ... brought ... am ... pheta ... mines..
Tom Buck: Bwaaaaaaa ...
Brad: Heh heh. Turnips. Anyway, as you ... no kidding, man ... have you ever
actually seen a turnip? It's like... heh heh ... it's like this little
purple man ...
Brad: Hi, everyone! I am turnip man! Heh heh. Don't eat me! I'm not tasty!
Mule: Bwahhhh...
Tom Buck: Pants...
Brad: Ok, but seriously. As everyone knows, I have a huge inferiority
complex because Lord British philosophically changed the face of roleplaying
and all I have done is create a simple hack and slash game. Now ... bwaahhhh
... excuse me ... now, remember people, the key here is NOT to ensure the
customer has fun, but to ensure my legacy as a chief game designer.
Bill Clinton: Right on!
Brad: Thanks, Bill. Anyway, without a legacy, I will not be able to get
angry at Verant over some silly thing and leave in a huff, taking millions
of more dollars from another gaming company.
A spoon: Oh, a turnip! Heh heh. I get it
Brad: Now, since I am not very creative, I have decided that a player run
economy is going to be my legacy. Mule, what are the numbers?
Mule: Well, 98% of the customers think the player run economy idea sucks.
Brad: Good... good... that means this is cutting edge stuff. What do the 2%
say?
Mule: They say it is realistic and that you are a god.
Brad: Ah, excellent. What are their names?
Mule: Limp Spigot and JoMamasTwat.
Brad: Excellent. Make them GMs. So....how do we make this player run economy
work?
a spoon: Well, for one thing, we need to make all trade skills unprofitable.
Brad: I see.
a spoon: And then ... and this is the genius part ... we make it so that the
only things players can make, no one wants.
Brad: But how does that help the player driven economy?
a spoon: Dude, it is so clear.
Brad: Hmmm ... I need more drugs. Did someone bring anything else?
Jesse Jackson: I brought some battery acid.
Brad: Ah, good.
Brad: Bwaaaaaaaaaaaa.
a spoon: Bwaaaaaaaaa.
Brad: Ah, now I see ... it's pure genius. It's like, you know, that new coke
thing. Create a product no one wants and then sell it! Excellent.
Tom Buck: Pure postmodern neoSmithianism with a retroactive, zero sum supply
side rotisserie chicken.
Mule: Bwaaaaaaa ...
Brad: But, if we nerf, say, pottery, wont some people exploit it by buying
prepatch sketches and selling them post patch?
Mule: Yeah, so what. It's so radical, you will have other companies knocking
your door down to hire you.
Brad: Excellent. This calls for more drugs.
Brad: Bwahhhhhhhhh
a spoon: Bwahhhhhh.
intern: Sir, sir! We have asked people to play on a server we are testing,
but no one is obeying our command!
Brad: Gahh ... fuggit ... bring down all the servers ... tell the idiots it
is something wrong with ... the Cerf net... Heh heh ... Cerf ... Cert! Did
you know there was a tiny drop of Retsin in every Cert?
intern: Yes sir!
Brad: This meeting is adjourned.
****
Brad: I am here, my lord.
Lord British: Have you screwed your customers yet?
Brad: Aye, my lord.
Lord British: Excellent. I have taught you well.
--
I'd like a volunteer from the audience at this point - you, the Warrior Lord
of Thebes in the front row.