Jokes from Leno, Conan and SNL
Steve Timko
Apparently no Letterman press release of jokes this week.
From NBC press releases
QUOTABLES FROM NBC’S ’THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO’
(Mondays-Fridays, 11:35 p.m.-12:35 a.m. ET)
The following are quotes from Jay Leno’s monologues for the week of
Feb. 1, 1999 "Atlanta Falcons’ Eugene Robinson is gonna give back the
Bart Starr Award for high morality in the NFL. He got the award the
day he was arrested for soliciting a prostitute. I thought this was
very nice. He said it wouldn’t be right to have something sitting on
his mantelpiece that’s big and heavy and his wife could throw at him."
"As I mentioned yesterday, Dan Quayle announced he is running for
President of the United States. And today he said if he can’t be
President, he’ll settle for a new dirt bike.
A company is coming out with a Bill Clinton cologne. And this is great
cologne, ’cause no matter what you do, you wind up smelling like a
rose. It’ s the best cologne!’
Gary Coleman’s trial is underway. He’s accused of punching a woman who
asked him for an autograph. And today the judge ordered the woman to
undergo a psychiatric exam to find out why the hell she was asking
Gary Coleman for his autograph.
Muhammad Ali has been chosen to be on the 75th anniversary cereal box
of Wheaties. And in a related story, Atlanta Falcons’ Eugene Robinson
is gonna be on a box of Trix.
It’s not official, but Dennis Rodman may be coming to the L.A. Lakers.
His agent says Dennis prefers L.A. because he wants to continue living
within 10 miles of his wife, Carmen Electra. They’re very close.
According to the Star, Soon-Yi has put Woody Allen on Viagra because
they want to start a family. I guess Soon-Yi is anxious to have a
little sister.
At the Los Angeles Zoo, a female chimpanzee gave birth, but all the
male chimps at the zoo have had vasectomies, and today the zookeeper,
Joey Buttafuoco, said he didn’t know anything about it.
Michael Jackson is recovering from a broken wrist. You can pretty much
write your own joke there." Internet users can find more information
about NBC and its programming at www.NBC.com.
QUOTABLES FROM NBC’S ’LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O’BRIEN’
(Mondays-Fridays, 12:35 p.m.-1:35 a.m. ET)
The following are highlights from Conan O’Brien’s monologues on "Late
Night with Conan O’Brien" from Feb. 2 to Feb. 5: "Monica Lewinsky
testified in the impeachment trial yesterday. When Lewinsky was asked
if there was any obstruction, Monica said, ’Well, the dress did kinda
get in the way.’
Several senators have said that they want the final vote for the
impeachment trial to be held on Abraham Lincoln’s birthday.
Afterwards, a very confused Strom Thurmond said he won’t be able to
attend because he’s going to Lincoln’s birthday party.
People who watched the Super Bowl with President Clinton said they
were impressed with all the sports trivia about football he knows. For
example, the President says Denver is the team with the most
cheerleaders named Tiffany.
In a new interview, Kate Winslet says that whenever she gets depressed
she thinks of her love scene in ’Titanic’ with Leonardo DiCaprio.
Meanwhile, Leonardo DiCaprio says that whenever he gets depressed, he
just has sex with a super model.
According to a new poll, after watching the impeachment trial,
two-thirds of Americans don’t think live witnesses are necessary.
Meanwhile, the other one-third said that after watching the
impeachment trial, they don’t think the Senate is necessary.
President Clinton and Hillary were in town last night for a fundraiser
where they charged $10,000 a head. In a related story, Monica Lewinsky
was in town to raise funds and she charged $10,000 a head.
The other day, police in London arrested actor Johnny Depp because he
was swinging a long, thin wooden plank at a group of photographers.
Later, Depp was let go because they realized the thin wooden plank was
just Kate Moss.
Hillary Clinton is very upset because her daughter Chelsea is featured
on the cover of the next issue of ’People.’ Hillary’s also upset
because her husband Bill is on the cover of the next issue of ’Big
Booty.’
In a speech yesterday, Al Gore said that it’s time that the Senate
stopped trying to impeach the President. Gore went on to say, ’But
folks, I do appreciate the effort.’
Earlier today in California, Tiger Woods and Kevin Costner teamed up
for a charity golf tournament. Apparently everything was going fine
until Kevin Costner got stuck on a water hazard and spent $200
million.
Last night, thousands of Internet users were very disappointed because
they were unable to log on to Victoria Secret’s Web site and watch the
live fashion show. Afterwards, several computer users said they’ve had
it with the Internet and they’re going back to being rejected by women
in person.
Yesterday at the impeachment trial, a heckler in the Senate gallery
was arrested after standing up and yelling, ’Take a vote, let’s get it
over with.’ The weird thing is, it was President Clinton.
Thanks to an overwhelming vote at the impeachment trial yesterday,
Monica Lewinsky will not be appearing on the floor of the Senate.
After hearing this, President Clinton said, ’What about the floor of
the Oval Office?’
The NBA season starts tonight and you can tell the players are a
little out of shape. In fact, at practice yesterday Latrell Sprewell
got winded halfway through strangling his coach.
A new book came out this week called ’A Complete Guide to Everything
Men Need to Know About Sex,’ and this book tells men all the ways to
make sex more satisfying for women. There’s also an edition written
telling women what men like, but all it says is ’Say Yes.’ "
QUOTABLES FROM ’WEEKEND UPDATE’ ON NBC’s ’SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE’ (Saturdays, 11:30 p.m.-1 a.m. ET)
The following are highlights from "Weekend Update with Colin Quinn" on
NBC’s "Saturday Night Live" (Saturday, Feb. 6): "From the news capital
of the world...
Bill and Hillary are upset about a cover story on their daughter
Chelsea in the new ’People’ magazine. They say they’d give up on the
press altogether if it wasn’t for the good, decent people at ’Hustler’
magazine.
While on a ski trip this week, New Jersey Governor Christie Whitman
broke her leg. Wait a second: she’s from New Jersey and three days
after the Super Bowl she ends up with a broken leg? Ski trip my ass.
Sounds to me like somebody went a little bit too heavy on the Falcons.
In a rare moment of bipartisanship this week, Senate Democrats
withdrew their opposition to the Republican proposal for a tax cut.
The Senate Democrats originally complained that the cuts were only
going to help the rich, but the they remembered that they were the
rich.
According to an interview in ’Daily Variety,’ Farrah Fawcett is eager
to go back to work, and is considering all offers to get her career
back on track. Well Farrah, I would like to offer you a role in my
next movie. I’m shooting it in my apartment and it’s called ’I’ve
wanted to do this since 1975.’
Celeste Wisniewski, a Monica Lewinsky look-alike, has been standing
outside Monica’s hotel hoping to attract the attention that Monica was
avoiding. This is good news for society. Now stalkers have stalkers.
What I can’t figure out is, who’s prouder: the father of the girl who
performed oral sex on the President, or the father of the girl who
wants people to believe she’ s the girl who performed oral sex on the
President.
CIA Director George Tenet warned this week that Saudi terrorist Osama
bin Laden is preparing to launch another attack against U.S.
facilities. And. how about where, George?
An aide to Washington, D.C. mayor Anthony Williams was forced to
resign because he used the word ’niggardly,’ which actually means
’stingy’ or ’ miserly,’ but sounds like a racial slur. In a related
story, NBC announced it will not longer use the words David Spade.
Israel’s National Parks Authority has authorized a private contractor
to build a submerged bridge into the Sea of Galilee that would allow
tourists to simulate Jesus’ miraculous walk on water. Yeah, I think
Jesus would appreciate a data input technician on vacation from Tom’s
River, mimicking one of his greatest feats: ’Hey, look, kids! Daddy is
moon walking across the lake just like our Lord and Savior did back in
the 1800s.’
American warplanes attacked newly installed Iraqi anti-ship missile
launchers along the Persian Gulf. An enraged Saddam Hussein scolded
his troops saying, ’You see, this is why we can’t have nice things!’
A female chimp in the Los Angeles Zoo gave birth this week, but of the
six possible fathers in the exhibit with her, three had vasectomies,
two are too young and one is too old to have fathered the baby.
Confused scientists don’ t know whether the birth is the result of a
genetic miracle or the worst case of beer goggles in history.
Last week at the Super Bowl, when Cher came out to sing the national
anthem, she was escorted onto the field by a young boy who seemed to
be terrified. He didn’t know it was Cher. He thought it was Marilyn
Manson.
I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it."
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