Storytime! The Bruce-Partington Plans (credits)
John Elliott
"Doctor Who" characters owned by the BBC.
Sherlock Holmes was created by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. The original
story 'The Adventure Of The Bruce-Partington Plans' is, I believe, in
the public domain.
For Adam's, Adric's, and Zoe's various nitpicks, I am indebted to Leslie S.
Klinger's "The New Annotated Sherlock Holmes.".
The Dillon-Wagoner Gravitron Polarity Generator, better known as the
spindizzy, was created by James Blish in his 'Cities in Flight' books.
This Time Round originated by Tyler Dion.
Look Who's Talking created by Imran Inayat.
Storytime, the Bradleyard and Lydia were created by BKWillis.
You may recognise some lines from 'The Goon Show' by Spike Milligan and
others, 'Battlefield' by Ben Aaronovitch, and 'Virginia' (again) by Macaulay.
"Mornington Crescent" was created by the Rosicru%$^"@ NO CARRIER
Daibhid Ceanaideach
Excellent. Multiple LOLs!
And you're right, the Host sound exactly like Electra, the Mornington
Crescent computer. I'm not going to get that out of my head now...
--
Dave
"There is no Neils the Bouncing Cat! He's gone!
Now there is only... P-Cat, the Penitent Puss!"
Paul Andinach
(I particularly liked the little details, like Pigbin Josh, and the
ticket barrier routines, and the casting of Queen Victoria.)
Paul
--
The Pink Pedanther
vj
with moving the piano for some reason...).
It could have been different, you know - just been watching the
Silurians & the Brig gets his own back on the Doctor (he snaps "You're
no Sherlock Holmes yourself!" at the Brig) by calling him "Doctor
Watson". Just thought I should mention it. <looks innocent>
Loved it.
Vicky
John Elliott
: It could have been different, you know - just been watching the
: Silurians & the Brig gets his own back on the Doctor (he snaps "You're
: no Sherlock Holmes yourself!" at the Brig) by calling him "Doctor
: Watson". Just thought I should mention it. <looks innocent>
Jeri Massi has done what I think you're hinting at (played entirely
straight, no less).
<http://www.jeriwho.net/whofic/holmes01.htm>
--
John Elliott
Thinks: This is what a nice clean life leads to. Hmm, why did I ever lead one?
-- Bluebottle, in the Goon Show
Daibhid Ceanaideach
> Great fun! :-) (I do also want to see how the Delgado Master gets on
> with moving the piano for some reason...).
Do you? Do you *really*?
Daibhid:
This is the BBC Gnome Service. And now, by the wonders of the steam-driven,
wind-up Usenet, we present: THE WHO SHOW! Starring the Fourth Doctor as
Neddie "the Doctor" Seagoon.
Fourth Doctor:
What what what? I don't do this sort of thing, I have an arrangement.
Daibhid:
You're not in Storytime, you're in a parody of a radio programme.
Specifically, the exciting tale of Captain Tancredi's Piano.
Fourth Doctor:
Oh, very well. It was in the days of the UNIT era, April 197x, when I saw
the advertisment. I quickly made it to the address, which, as the previous
story explains, was in 1895. To get there, I took a length of piano wire
and a Yale key, and made this sound.
FX:
VWORP! VWORP!
Count Scarlioni:
Sapristi Dematerialisationo! And when he arrived, I took a door handle and
some hinges and made this sound.
FX:
Door rattles and opens.
Fourth Doctor:
Good morning, I am the Doctor.
Scarlioni:
What a memory you have!
Fourth Doctor:
I've come to move the piano.
Scarlioni:
Come in!
Delgado Master:
Ah, we have company. My name is Grytpype-Thascales. Have a gorilla.
Fourth Doctor:
No thanks, I'm on the patch.
Master:
Would you mind getting off it, it belongs to my friend the Brigade-Leader.
So, you've come to move the piano? Here's your money: five pounds in
fivers.
Fourth Doctor:
Ha ha! Five pounds for moving a piano! It's money for old rope!
Master:
Is it? I'd have thought you'd bring something more useful.
Fourth Doctor:
No, I have simple tastes. Where is this piano?
Master:
It's, er, in the Braxiatal Collection.
Fourth Doctor:
What what what what what? You mean this piano is on an asteroid? Aargh,
I've been tricked!
FX:
Thud!
Scarlioni:
For the benefit of those without media players, the Doctor has fainted.
Master:
Don't waste time! Open his jacket and take the weight of his wallet off his
chest!
Scarlioni:
Aha!
Master:
Found anything?
Scarlioni:
A signed photo of the Fourth Doctor, a press cutting from "Monarch of the
Glen", a CD of Kylie posing with a Dalek, and a photo of Kylie singing.
Master:
He's still out cold. Let me try this.
FX:
The sound of a jelly baby falling to the floor.
Fourth Doctor:
Brigadier, the apatosaurus is large, placid and stupid! Where am I?
Master:
On your way to get Captain Tancredi's piano from the Braxiatel Collection.
Fourth Doctor:
Aargh!
Master and Scarloni: (singing)
April on Asteroid KS-159, we've found a Charlie...
Daibhid:
Faced with the prospect of getting Tancredi's piano from an asteroid, the
Doctor went to visit British Rocket Group for advice.
Fourth Doctor:
Or I could just take the TARDIS.
Daibhid:
Yes, but then the next scene wouldn't happen. It starts with you knocking
on the door.
FX:
Knocking on the door.
Jackie Tyler:
Oh, that must be the Prime Minister at the... Hang about, I'm Minnie
bleedin' Bannister? I'm gonna have words with someone about this...
Professor Travers:
Yes, it must be the Prime Minister.
Jackie Tyler:
Miss Hawthorne, she could have been Minnie Bannister. Or Ma Tyler (no
relation) from "Fendahl". Or what about... eh? Oh, right. It must be the
Prime Minister. Come in, Harriet, come in.
Professor Travers:
Tell her we're very sorry.
Jackie:
What for?
Travers:
Well, make something up, anything will do.
Jackie:
We're sorry, Harriet, we're sorry... You're not the Prime Minister!
Fourth Doctor:
Not yet, but give me time. I am the Doctor.
Travers:
Would you like to buy a psychic paper?
Fourth Doctor:
No thanks, I'm trying to give it up.
Travers:
So should Tenth. It's a very cheap device.
Fourth:
Is it? Then maybe I will buy one. But just now I need to leave the planet.
Travers:
He's an alien invader trying to escape!
Jackie:
Stop him!
FX:
A pitched, and highly confused, battle.
Travers:
Now get out!
Fourth Doctor:
I will, but I will return in the next post! Until then, readers may like to
put on a 1950s jazz tune, to get the full "Goon Show" effect.
Daibhid:
And if you *have* got the full "Goon Show" effect, consult your doctor
immediately.
Daibhid Ceanaideach
The Who Show: Captain Tancredi's Piano Part 2
Daibhid:
When we left the Doctor, played by Neddie Seagoon, played by Tom Baker,
played by the Fourth Doctor, played by Sir Highway Secombe ... Hmm. Bits of
that may be in the wrong order. Anyway, when we left him, he was trying to
get to Asteroid KS-159 to steal Captain Tancredi's Piano from the Braxiatel
Collection. With only a fiver to his name, he had stowed away on the first
spaceship he could find.
FX:
Spaceship noises.
Fourth Doctor:
In the depths of the ship I lay, completely alone. Or so I thought.
Harry Sullivan: (singing)
I talk to the trees, that's why they put me away...
Fourth Doctor:
The singer was a tall, ragged idiot.
Harry: (singing)
Ragged idiot..
Fourth Doctor:
He carried a plastic MP3 player, and wore a metal trilby.
Harry: (singing)
Metal tril... (breaks off) Oh! Hello, shipmate of mine. Where are you
a-going?
Fourth Doctor:
Nowhere. I think it's safer to stay in the ship until it arrives at
Asteroid KS-159.
Harry:
You're going to Asteroid KS-159? That's a coincidence; it's where the
ship's going. Everything's going to be fine, fine, fine...
Fourth Doctor:
When the ship docked with the asteroid, I left the idiot and checked into a
hotel. Next morning, I sat in my room eating my breakfast, when a fork at
the end of a long pole tried to spear my gumblejack.
Sixth Doctor:
Aha!
Fourth Doctor:
Who the blazes are you?
Sixth Doctor:
I'm terribly sorry, I was.. ah.. fishing.
Fourth Doctor:
Fishing? This is an asteroid!
Sixth Doctor:
The... um... river must have dropped.
Fourth Doctor:
Who are you, sir?
Sixth Doctor:
I've got it on a peice of psychic paper. Ah yes, I am the Doctor! Major
Doctor Bloodnok the Sixth, late of the Third Gallifreyan Defusilliers, MD,
OBE, RSVP, All-night-grill and Bar.
Fourth Doctor:
You're acting suspciously suspicious. I've a good mind to call the manager.
Sixth Doctor:
Call him, I am unafraid.
Fourth Doctor:
No, why should I call him?
Sixth Doctor:
Then I shall. Manager!
Lemaitre:
Oui m'suir?
Sixth Doctor:
Throw this man out!
Fourth Doctor:
Ow!
FX:
Door slams.
Sixth Doctor:
And now for breakfast. Gumblejack, toast... Wait, what's this? Great
Sesquipedalia, it's a fork on a pole! And it's after my gumblejack!
Fourth Doctor:
I was just fishing.
Sixth Doctor:
What? I've a good mind to call the manager!
Fourth Doctor:
Go on, then.
Sixth Doctor:
No, why should I?
Fourth Doctor:
Then I shall. Watch me turn the tables, readers. Manager!
Lemaitre:
Oui m'suir?
Sixth Doctor:
Throw this man out!
Fourth Doctor:
Ow!
FX:
Door slams.
Fourth Doctor:
Alone on the asteroid, I went to the notorious Most Easy Canteen, the most
wretched hive of... are you sure we won't get into copyright trouble for
this?
Daibhid:
In all honesty, I think it's a bit late to worry about that now.
Fourth Doctor:
I was looking for a man who specialised in piano robberies from the
Braxiatel Collection.
FX:
Whoosh!
De Flores:
Good evening. You are lookink for a man who specialises in piano robberies
from ze Braxiatel Collection.
Fourth Doctor:
Good heavens! How did you know that?
De Flores:
I read it on alt.drwho.creative.
Fourth Doctor:
Good show! Garkon?
Cyberman:
Oui?
Fourth Doctor:
Two glasses of English port-type cooking sherry.
Cyberman:
Oui.
Fourth Doctor:
This piano we must steal is the one that belonged to Captain Tancredi.
De Flores:
Piano? Don't you mean Captain Trancedi's mandolin?
Fourth Doctor:
No, it definitely belonged to Trancedi himself, not his man Dolin.
De Flores:
Meet me outside ze Braxiatel Collection on ze stroke of two.
Fourth Doctor:
What time?
De Flores:
When ze clock strikes tventy past tvelve. Auf Wiedersehen, pet.
Fourth Doctor:
True to my word, I was there dead on three.
De Flores:
You are late. Zis is my Oriental assistant, Weng Chiang.
Weng Chiang:
Ah, I am honoured to meet you.
Fourth Doctor:
What does this creep know about piano-stealing?
De Flores:
Nothing, he's just here to remind everyvon that this vas written before
political correctness, and ensure BBC 7 have to apologise before
broadcasting it. Now zis is ze map of the Braxiatel Collection, and ze
ducts around it.
FX:
Paper unfolding.
Fourth Doctor:
Now... you take that end... that's right... unfold it there... aha...
yes... it's big isn't it?
De Flores: (in distance)
Yes, it is. Now ve split up, and meet in ze old Library of St John at
midnight.
FX:
Clock strikes.
De Flores:
Is zat you, Doctor?
Fourth Doctor:
No, it was a clock.
Bob the Muse: (with a French accent)
Everyone out. Closing time.
Fourth Doctor:
Quick, hide behind this pane of glass!
De Flores:
But you can see through it!
Fourth Doctor:
Not if you wrap this towel round your head!
Bob the Muse:
Everyone out, and that includes the idiots with the towels round their
heads.
Fourth Doctor:
You fool, you can't see us!
Bob the Muse:
Yes I can. Get out or I'll call the police.
De Flores:
I vill shoot him!
Fourth Doctor:
No, you'll break the glass. I'll make a hole first.
FX:
Glass breaks.
Fourth Doctor:
There, you can shoot him through that.
FX:
Gunshot.
Bob the Muse:
Oh, I die! I fall to ze ground. You have shot me!
(in normal voice)
I'm *never* doing this again, Daibh. You were Wally Greenslade to start
with, but as soon as he gets shot...
Fourth Doctor:
Never mind, Bob. Swallow this tin of Regenerato, recommended by nine out of
ten Time Lords. The other one was the Beevers Master. And pretend you're
listening to Duke Ellington, as we bridge to the final part!
John Elliott
: Daibhid:
: This is the BBC Gnome Service. And now, by the wonders of the steam-driven,
: wind-up Usenet, we present: THE WHO SHOW! Starring the Fourth Doctor as
: Neddie "the Doctor" Seagoon.
LOL! Have a photograph of a four pound note.
Daibhid Ceanaideach
Daibhid:
As you may recall, we left our heroes in the Braxiatel Collection,
preparing to steal Captain Trancedi's piano. If you don't recall, tough.
I'm not telling you again.
De Flores:
Doctor, there is someone under Captain Trancedi's piano, trying to lift it
all by himself!
Fourth Doctor:
He must be mad!
Tenth Doctor:
Dum de dum...
Fourth Doctor:
Wasn't Harry playing Eccles?
Daibhid:
Yes, but I've just thought of a joke that works better if it's Tenth, so
roll with it.
Fourth Doctor:
All right. The Tenth Doctor! What are you doing here?
Tenth Doctor:
I signed a contract that fooled me, fooled me mark you, to take this piano
back to England.
Fourth Doctor:
What? You must be an idiot to agree to something like that! Now, help me
get this piano back to England.
Cast:
Sounds of strained lifting.
Fourth Doctor:
No, it's too heavy. Let go.
FX:
Crash!
Tenth Doctor:
It's lighter when you're not lifting it, isn't it?
Fourth Doctor:
I have an idea. I'll cut the legs off with the sonic screwdriver!
FX:
Sonic whine... Thud!
Sonic whine... Thud!
Sonic whine... Thud!
Sonic whine... Thud!
Fourth Doctor:
There, I've cut all four legs off the piano.
De Florres:
Strange. It's ze first time I've seen a piano vith four legs.
Tenth Doctor:
Here, I keep falling down!
Fourth Doctor:
Whoops, sorry. Here have some Leggo, the wonder leg-grower. Recommended by
all good hexapods.
Alpha Centauri:
I've never heard of it.
Tenth Doctor:
Ah, that's much better. And this leg, it's a *fightin'* leg!
Fourth Doctor:
Was that the joke you needed Tenth for?
Daibhid:
Yep.
Fourth Doctor:
Well, never mind. I'm sure it's not as bad as it looks.
Daibhid:
They managed, by sweating and struggling, to get the piano to the
spacedock.
Sixth Doctor:
Halt! Hand over that piano in the name of Asteroid KS-159!
Fourth Doctor:
Sixth, we know you're not from the asteroid.
Sixth Doctor:
One step closer and I'll strike with this fork on a pole!
Fourth Doctor:
You do and I'll attack with this gumblejack!
Sixth Doctor:
You must let me have that piano. You see, I foolishly signed a contract...
Fourth Doctor:
Yes, yes, we're all in the same boat. We have no money, so the only way to
get the piano back to Earth is to fly it. Everyone in, prepare for launch
and...
FX:
Spaceship taking off.
Fourth Doctor:
Blast off!
Orchestra:
"Flavia's theme"
Fourth Doctor:
Piano's log. Stardate 5273.4 No food, no water. Sixth down with the Lurgy.
Tenth up with the lark.
Sixth Doctor:
Fourth, take the keyboard, I can't steer any more.
Fourth Doctor:
Tenth, take the keyboard.
Tenth Doctor:
Ooo. Sorry, I can't, I haven't brought my music.
FX:
Spaceship
Sixth Doctor:
It's a recording of a spaceship! We're saved!
Fourth Doctor:
Yes, saved! For those of you who haven't got a media player, there's a man
in a spacesuit coming towards us.
Adric:
Yes, it is I, Space Ranger Adric, fresh from the Starliner to claim this
planetoid for the Alzurians! (Thinks: I wonder why we're suddenly claiming
planets in N-Space.) Hooray! Sedna is now Alzurian. Cements in brass plate,
steps back to salute. Aargh! I'm floating away into voidy-type space! Help!
Fourth Doctor:
Here, grab this fork on a pole!
Adric:
It's got a gumblejack on it!
Fourth Doctor:
Well, you must keep up your strength. Take my hand.
Adric:
Why? Are you a stranger in paradise?
Fourth Doctor:
For those without a media player, I'm pulling him back onto the piano.
Adric:
Piano? This isn't a piano! It's Sedna!
Fourth Doctor:
No it isn't, it's Captain Trancedi's piano.
Adric:
No it's Sedna, the trans-Neptunian object!
Fourth Doctor:
Shut up, or I'll push you off the piano.
Adric:
It's not a piano, it's... Aaargh, you've deaded me! I don't like this game!
Fourth Doctor:
Why not?
Adric:
Because now I'll never know if I was right!
Daibhid:
What do you think, readers? Was it Sedna, or was it Captain Trancedi's
piano? Send your answers to anyone but us. Meanwhile, if you would prefer a
happy ending, here it is.
Ninth Doctor:
Everybody lives, Rose! Just this once, everybody lives!
Daibhid Ceanaideach
Daibhid:
That was "The Who Show", starring characters from Doctor Who and with a
plot (for want of a better term) and jokes nicked ... that is *borrowed*
... from "The Goon Show", both of which are the property of the BBC. The
original throwaway gag was by John Elliot and Storytime was created by B.K.
Willis.
Daibhid Ceanaideach
> Daibhid Ceanaideach <daibhidc...@aol.com> wrote:
>: Daibhid:
>: This is the BBC Gnome Service. And now, by the wonders of the
>: steam-driven, wind-up Usenet, we present: THE WHO SHOW! Starring the
>: Fourth Doctor as Neddie "the Doctor" Seagoon.
>
> LOL! Have a photograph of a four pound note.
No thanks, I'm trying to give them up.
vj
See, I knew moving the piano would be interesting... ;-)
Vicky