Script for Series 3, Episode 6 (Plain Text)
Bon Scott
THE FAST SHOW: 3rd Series, #6
The players:
AW - Arabella Weir
CA - Caroline Aherne/Hook
CH - Charlie Higson
EM - Eryl Maynard
JT - John Thomson
MM - Maria McErlane
MW - Mark Williams
PS - Paul Shearer
PW - Paul Whitehouse
SD - Simon Day
M?, F? - irregular guest players
1. TAFFY
PW I was at a party last night. I got completely rat-arsed. It was brilliant.
[slight pause]
PW Feel a bit rough today, mind.
[INTRO CREDITS]
2. UNLUCKY ALF
[PW is sat in his living room, reading his newspaper]
PW Hm. Gerrin' a bit dark. Ah'll put me lamp on.
[PW tries the switch, but gets an electric shock instead...Bzzzt!]
PW Bugger!
[pause]
PW Oh, ah. Ah'll watch telly instead, eh? Mind you, it is a bit parky. Ah'll just
put fire r'on. Though knowin' my luck, summat trragic'll 'appen, prob'ly.
[PW gets another electric shock from the electric fire. Bzzzt!]
PW BUGGER!
[slight pause as PW sits in his chair, and picks up the TV remote]
PW Bloody electrrics in this place. Oh, I should be safe wi' this, at least. It's
batt'ry powered.
[PW presses a button, but only gets another shock. Bzzzt!]
PW CRRIKEY!
[slight pause]
PW Oh! Oh! Bloody deathtrrap, this 'ouse. Ah'd better not touch owt else
electrrical.
[the old bakerlite phone rings, PW forgets and picks up the handset...]
PW Hello?
[Bzzzt!]
PW Aksh- asksh- I'll get back t'yer!
[PW replaces the handset, and sighs]
PW Bugger. Ah should get an electrrician in, Ah s'pose, but it's yet another
r'expense.
[the cuckoo clock chimes, sending a spark across the room to PW. Bzzzt!]
PW Bugger.
3. THE WILEY INTERROGATOR
[M1 and SD are interrogating MW, who is seated at a table in a cell]
M1 Come on, stop wasting our time. We know you've been passing on inform-
ation. We can do a deal.
[slight pause. MW remains impassive]
MW I tell you, I don't know who's been tellin' stories about me - I'm clean.
SD Ha! Yeah, pure as the driven snow.
[pause as JT enters the room, in George Smiley guise, and takes off his hat]
JT Hello, I'm the new interrogator.
[JT shakes hands with M1]
M1 Hi. Roger Fenna.
[JT shakes hands with SD]
SD Steven Pope.
[JT shakes hands with MW, then steps back and looks absent-minded...]
JT I'm sorry, you were again?
[slight pause before MW's nice manners kick in]
MW Oh, I'm the secret double-agent bloke.
[pause as the others all smile, point at him and go...]
*3 Ah-haa!
[slight pause as MW realises his faux-pas]
MW (Shit.)
4. BILLY BLEACH
[SD is sat in an empty football stadium, reading. M1 approaches and sits
behind him...]
SD Someone's sittin' there, mate.
[pause as M1 seems a little reluctant to move, prompting SD to say...]
SD Look, I don't make the rules chappy, do I? Someone sittin' there.
[M1 finally gets up...]
SD Go on, do one.
5. THE INSECURE WOMAN
[MW - Walter Raleigh - comes up to a stoic AW - Queen Elizabeth I]
MW I bow before thee, most gracious, imperious, Virgin Queen of England. Thy
beauty has not faded in the many months that I have been at sea, and I
am ever more dazzled by your radiance and magnificence. If I were to
compare thee-
AW Yes, all right, but does my bum look big in this farthingdale?
6. COLIN HUNT
[CH is in the pub with his friends again]
EM They weren't!
PW They were! So when she said "she split up" wiv 'im, she's either lyin' or
she's gone bonkers.
CH Beep-beep!
AW You all right there, Colin? Only, there's a bit of a crush in here today.
CH Certainly is a bit of a Crowded House. Ha-ha! You would not believe The
Jam at the bar. I had to Squeeze past everybody. Huh! I said, "Don't
stand so, don't stand so, don't stand so close to me!" Hu-hu-huh!
[slight pause as AW laughs]
CH "De-doo-doo-doo, de-da-da-dah!"
[slight pause]
CH "KE-AY-AH-OH!" Hu-huh! Huh! Oh, dear. It must have been INXS of
twenty people in front of me. Yeah, there were "clowns to the left of me,
jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you!" Swish! Oh,
sorry, Maggie - there's your ear on the floor! Hu-hu-hu-huh!
PW Yeah - any danger of actually gettin' a drink then, Colin?
CH Certainly-burtonly. Here we are... U2. Hu-hu-huh! A Champagne Super-
nova for the Lady In Red. And a Red Red Wine for Marky Mark.
[slight pause as CH fakes giving EM a second drink]
CH This one goes especially to The One I Love. Oops! Only joking! There you
are, Doreen. Ho-ho! Oh, dear.
AW Oh, Colin - don't be such a tease.
[slight pause before PW tries to continue his conversation...]
PW And anyway, Maggie, whatever she says, they've definitely not split up.
EM How can she go out with him after what he did?
CH Oh, Wake Up Maggie! A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Love Is The Drug! Ha-ha! You
know, When A Man Loves A Woman - It's A Kind Of Magic! A-hu-hu-huh!
[PW is distinctly unimpressed by CH's attempts at humour]
CH You're Simply The Best! Hu-hu-huh! So, er... Papa Don't Preach. Er, er...
Shuduppa Your Face. Ha. Ooh! "I Need Somebody's Help-"
PW Colin, could we just have a normal conversation for once, without any
puerile jokes? Please?
CH Sorry! Force of habit. Sorry!
AW Seems To Be The Hardest Word!
[pause as CH, AW and EM laugh. PW is not amused...]
PW D-o-r-e-e-n!
AW Sorry.
PW Right.
EM Said Fred!
[pause as PW hangs his head in disbelief - even EM's at it now!]
PW Bollocks to the lot o' ya.
[PW gets up and makes to go off in a huff]
CH Never Mind The Bollocks, Mark - here's my Sex Pistol!
[CH jumps up and starts undoing his flies...]
7. THE GHOUL
[PW appears at a woman's bedroom window, in Uncle Fester/Dracula guise.
F1 is sleeping, but awakes when PW hovers over her, menacingly. she
screams loudly, but all PW does is talk to camera...]
PW Villeneuve in the McLaren! I know it's a turn up for the books, but TRUST
me! Monster, monster!
8. CHRIS THE CRAFTY COCKNEY
[a couple are parked in their cabriolet, arguing about directions]
F1 No, if we'd taken that right, there, we'd have-
M1 Look, this is not Ensign Road, is it?
F1 I know it's not Ensign Road-
M1 Hang on, hang on.
[M1 calls over to PW, who is dressed as a policeman]
M1 Excuse me - do you know where Ensign Road is, please?
PW You don't wanna ask me, mate.
M1 You don't know?
PW Course I know, I'm a copper! I'm just sayin', for your own good, you don't
wanna ask me.
[M1 laughs quietly]
M1 Wh-why's that?
PW Just leave it, all right?
M1 Why?
PW Cos I'll nick ya.
F1 But - we haven't done anything!
PW I know you haven't done anything. It don't matter to me. I am a copper.
I will nick anyone. I'm a little bit werr a little bit whey a little bit swish-
swish-swish! I'm a copper. I'm a little bit 'ello 'ello 'ello - what's goin' on
'ere, then? A little bit stick it in there, we'll say no more about it. A little
bit oh, dear - he fell down the stairs, Sarge. I am a copper. I will nick
anyone.
F1 [laughs]
M1 Yeah-heah, very funny. Now - is it left, or right?
[PW suddenly slaps the cuffs on M1. click-click!]
PW You're nicked.
9. JAZZ CLUB
JT Hello, and welcome to Jazz Club. Coool. On today's show, Britain's own
white witch-doctor, Jeremy Queen. With his band, Cumquat. Great. So,
Jeremy - lord of the bright young jazz scene - welcome.
[camera pans to SD, in rasta dreadlocks, top hat a la JK with feathers etc]
SD Easymoneymasta!
[slight pause]
JT Tell us, Jeremy, what do you ?? kneel ?? be digging for us, here tonight?
SD Tonight, I'm gonna play my new single, which is called "Car Pollution
Hypocwrisy". And it's a vast blend of diffewrent musical styles, all lumped
together in a huge cooking pot, which is my bwrain.
JT Neat.
SD Yes, my father was a Polish-Bwrocken-Fwranco-Austwrian Jew, and my
mother was and is the wind. Can you hear her on the bwreeze? Whoosh!
JT So, erm, how would you describe your new album, "Shakestool"?
SD It's like a huge magical carpet, interwoven with a thousand musical styles
and dwreams. Mum! Gone again.
[slight pause as SD flashes his head from left to right]
JT Erm, so if you could categorise it, what type of style of jazz would you
categorise it as?
SD Well for me, young lion, I would say, it was Acid Skiffle. ?? Unlike the
will an' his dog ??
JT Great. Revolution: Hypocrisy.
[pause before SD begins his best efforts at a Jamiroquai impression...]
SD "I was walkin' down the wroad the other day, I went to a shop an' I said,
a little piece of chocolate, when I got outside an' sat in my car, I opened
the chocolate, and looked at that bar, it had melted away, all over my
hand, I said ?? gosh that bar??, I said I don't need no melted chocolate
on the seats of my Ferrawri, so I gone inside my glove compartment,
gone inside my head..."
[quick clips of PW on flute, MW on bass and CH on hammond organ]
10. JESSE'S FASHION TIPS
MW THIS SEASON, I WILL BE MOSTLY WEARIN' YOGHURT.
11. THE DOG TRAINER
[EM is in the training field again with small jumps etc in the background]
EM I think Quail's far enough advanced in his training now, to take direction
from quite a long distance. He can see the palm of my hand as white,
against the green of the countryside. Always make your directions
deliberate and positive. And that way, your dog will feel confident and
secure when he's far away.
[pause]
EM Quail! Quail! Gedout!
[the dog doesn't move]
EM Quail! Quail! Gedout!
[EM gets a white handkerchief out of her pocket and starts waving it]
EM Quail! Quail! Gedout!
[pause]
EM Well, he's never done that before.
12. I'LL GET ME COAT: "MIDDLE-CLASS"
[MW, PW and M1 are in the kitchen, sat at a table]
MW All right guys? Leave the girls here, go down the pub?
PW Oh God, Henry - your so working-class sometimes!
[slight pause]
MW I'm not working-class! Jesus, if anybody's working-class round here, it's
you.
PW Huh!
MW I'm totally middle-class. My family have been middle-class for generations!
M1 Listen, I'm more middle-class than both of you. My father was an account-
ant, and I used to have piano lessons.
MW Well, I had cello lessons.
M1 Yeah?
PW Huh! Well, my family used to do recitals. Huh! With me on the viola. As
a quintet.
MW I went to a very good public school.
PW Yes, and I went to comprehensive.
M1 Oh, my God! You are working-class!
PW No. My parents could easily have afforded to send me to a public school,
but they were liberals. They chose to educate me at a comprehensive.
That makes me much more middle-class than you two!
*2 SORRY! SORRY! EXCUSE ME! SORRY!
MW I am the most middle-class person here.
M1 No!
MW We have two holidays a year. One of them in Tuscany or Provence, the
other one skiing. We always have red wine and water with our meals - right
from when we were very small - and we always ate salad out of a wooden
bowl!
M1 That is nothing. We were vegetarians.
PW How many cars did you have?
M1 Ha-ha-ha! Two, of course!
PW HA! Well, my parents got rid of their cars...
M1 Yeah?
PW ...and used to cycle everywhere in ill-fitting, multi-coloured, vaguely ethnic
clothing.
[slight pause]
MW We were on "Ask the Family" with Robert Robinson. And... we won.
M1 Big deal. I got two Blue Peter badges. It was the only programme we were
allowed to watch. Unless it was a nature documentary. And were weren't
allowed to watch I.T.V. at all!
[slight pause]
PW We didn't even have a television. We used to read, and I was bullied at
school as a result.
M1 SCHOOL? My father taught me at home. I did my A-levels when I was
eleven.
[slight pause]
PW My parents had an open marriage. And we frequently went on holiday with
my father's mistress and my mother's lover. And we had some jolly good
games of Scrabble as well.
[slight pause]
M1 Well I used to go to art galleries. Out of choice. And we always stood at
the front for the Last Night of the Proms.
PW Yeah?
M1 Yeah.
MW Well, I'm secretly gay.
[whoops! that revelation killed the conversation stone dead. M1 and PW
just stare at MW for a minute, who looks like he regrets his admission...]
MW I'll get my coat.
13. PUB LANDLADY
CA ... so Darren asked Sandra to marry 'im last Saturday, she said yes. That
weekend, she's gone out, she gone an' got loads o' drink, right? She's gone
an' got a load o' food, invited all their mates around. You know what it
was, don't you? She was 'avin' an engagement party. Simple as that.
14. THE SQUEAMISH ZOO KEEPER
[MW is stood looking at a gate, looking rather fraught]
MW I can't get out - the handle's got SPIT on it!
15. SWISS TONI
[CH is on the telephone]
CH ... yes, you will have it by the end of the month. You have Swiss Toni's
cast iron guarantee on that. Yes, I know I said that last month. Yes, I
know. Yes, I-
[the caller cuts him off. CH puts down the phone]
CH Answering the phone, Paul, is... a little like making love to a beautiful
woman. In that you've gotta... lift the receiver, put it to your ear, speak...
loudly and clearly... oh, yes - and don't forget to state your name.
[M1 looks like he wants to ask CH a question]
CH Yes?
M1 I hope you don't mind me askin', but - I've always wondered - why are you
called "Swiss" Toni? I mean, your not actually Swiss, are you? Is it cos -
y'know - Swiss things are reliable, an' that?
CH Well it's partly that, Paul. But it's mostly because I'm built like an alp, and
ridged like a Toblerone.
[slight pause]
M1 Really?
CH Yes, when a lady's been with Swiss Toni, she doesn't forget it in a hurry.
There's a club in this town, Paul, called the Pussy Club. And I am a
privileged member. Gold card. I walk up to the door and, "Oh - Swiss Toni.
Come right on in". I've even got a backstage pass.
M1 Sorry, where is that? I've not seen it.
CH No, Paul - I was using a metaphor. I was simply stating that I am a
popular man. I know what the ladies like. Fine wine, Belgian chocolates
etcetera, and consequently - they like me. My phone book is positively
engorged with the numbers of young ladies.
M1 Is that why your wife left you?
[M1 might be out of a job with the look CH casts him for that one]
16. PATRICK NICE
[MW is spraying his plants in the conservatory...]
MW ... and all my environmental proposals were accepted at the Earth Summit.
?? out of the developing nations. Even though it was just an off-the-cuff
remark about greenfly.
[slight pause]
MW Which was nice.
17. COMPETITIVE DAD
[SD is reading his newspaper in the living room, AW is sat on the sofa]
SD It says here, that apparently, when Tiger Woods was three years old, he
beat his father at a crazy golf course at Disney World.
[slight pause]
SD Well, he wouldn't have beaten me.
[B1 and B2 enter the room. B1 is carrying a painting]
AW Hello! How was school?
B1 All right. I came first in art! And Mr Yawbrey said it was the best picture
all year.
AW Oh, well done! I'm so proud of you! Look at that, Simon.
B2 And I made an easel in woodwork.
AW Wow! That's professional looking!
SD Well, it's certainly adequate, given the form. Tell me, Peter, how old are
you now?
B2 Thirteen.
SD Yes, I thought so.
[SD gives the easel a shake]
SD It's a bit rickety.
[SD turns his attention to B1's painting]
SD Is that supposed to be an apple, or an orange?
[B1 looks slightly aggrieved]
B1 An apple.
SD Cha-ha-ha. Is it really? Well, I suppose it bears a slight resemblance. Now
Peter, I want to show you something. And Toby - you can learn from this
as well.
[SD goes over to the sideboard to get some of his own paintings out]
SD Here is a picture of the Chateau at Semeur, on the River Loire. In Fronce.
[sic] Which I painted while I was holiday with my parents when I was
twelve. I think you'll agree, it bears more than a slight resemblance. Now,
the task was made all the more difficult, because I'd injured my hand, whilst
rebuilding Hadrian's Wall with the Young Conservatives.
[slight pause]
SD Now here is a portrait of my mother, done in charcoals. Just look at her
expression. Pensive, strong, intelligent... she was a remarkable woman, my
mother. A remarkable woman.
[slight pause]
SD Now here is a watercolour of the Thames at Westminster-
AW Shall we go and have a McDonald's to celebrate?
*2 Yeah!
[AW, B1 and B2 promptly dash out of the room. SD carries on, oblivious...]
SD -and you see... the Palace of Westminster, here, at Chorley...
[pause as SD looks around the room and realises there's no-one there. SD
hears them going out the front door, looks moody for a few seconds,
then kicks the easel over with his foot and shouts after them...]
SD THE EASEL'S FALLEN OVER!
18. UNLUCKY ALF
[PW is walking down the street to his house]
PW Well, the electrricians 'ave been, so that's me life-savin's gone. It was
worth it, Ah'spose, fer peace of mind. Two days they've bin in - rripped
the 'ole 'ouse apart. Ah've bin stayin' with me brrother, Ken.
[pause as PW reaches his front door. PW groans with old age...]
PW Greeugh! Ah'll go in now, an' make meself a nice cup o' tea.
[PW puts his key in the lock. Bzzz-zzzz-zzzz-zzzz-zzzz-zzzz-zzzt! PW is
zapped by a million volts. enough to make him levitate in mid-air for a
minute, still holding the key, before he manages to blurt out...]
PW BUGGER!
19. THE SQUEAMISH ZOO KEEPER
[MW is trapped between a circle of camels. all he can do is stand in the
middle, open mouthed and terrified!]
20. 13TH DUKE OF WYMBOURNE
PW Me? The 13th Duke of Wymbourne? Here? Alone with my best friend's
wife? At three o'clock in the morning? With my reputation? While he's
downstairs?
[pause]
PW (And what does he think I'm going to do? Sing her a lullaby or something?)
Mmm-rrrrr!
21. TOMMY COCKLES' GOLDEN MOMENTS / ARTHUR ATKINSON
SD Hallo, Tommy Cockles here. We're now going to see a piece of film which
has only recently been unearthed from Lou Grade's back passage. See if
you can spot a very young Arthur Atkinson in his very first feature film,
"A Hundred and Twelve, Tadpole Gardens". Arthur was there to provide
comic relief. Which, in my book, he didn't really do.
[slight pause as SD leans toward camera]
SD Between you and me, after the screentest, they tried to drop him. But
Arthur Atkinson kidnapped the producer's dog, and threatened to drown it.
Unless they used him. But that's Arthur - a bully, and a cheat.
[slight pause]
SD Anyway, watch the film, and see how Arthur flounders trying to adapt his
quick-fire style to the leaden pace of the early talkies. Roll VT!
[cut to grainy b/w clip of CH, EM, M1 toffed up in the parlour]
CH Al-i-son! I don't...believe it!
[slight pause]
CH You...with...Pe-ter!
[slight pause]
EM But...I love...him...Jonathon.
[lengthy pause]
CH Oh.
[there's a knock at the door. CH temporarily resumes normal speed]
CH Get that could you please, Lanchester?
[lengthy pause as MW - the butler - remains immobile]
MW Cert-ain-ly...sir.
[MW slowly moves towards the door - it's PW as a young Arthur, dressed
in a postal uniform. PW stands their for a while before saying...]
PW 'ere! I've - a - telegram - for - you!
[pause]
CH A...telegram?
PW Yes!
[lengthy pause as PW hands the telegram over to MW, who places it on his
silver platter to carry over to CH. PW puts his right hand on his hip to
make a crook, then points at the middle of it repeatedly with his left]
PW Eh?
[pause. CH and EM look bemused]
PW 'ave ya seen it?
[pause]
PW 'ere!
[pause. PW is still pointing]
PW Where - is - my - washboard?
[slight pause. PW is still trying to get through to them...]
PW Where - is - my - washboard?
[slight pause]
PW How queer!
[slight pause]
PW I'll be off, then.
[PW turns to leave]
22. BRILLIANT KID
PW Aren't 'oles brilliant? They're fantast-
[PW has just fallen down a hole]
23. SIX HOURS IN MAKE-UP
[JT is in a hair net and poncho, sat in front of a dressing room mirror. CA
is experimenting with different colours on the back of her hand]
JT The climax of the film - the true moment of supernatural horror - is when
my character - Peter, the Hungarian ventriloquist - looks into the mirror,
and realises he has changed places with his own dummy.
[slight pause]
JT I am the dummy!
[slight pause]
JT For this transformation to occur, it requires a little acting magic, and a full
six hours in make-up.
[CA quickly draws two lines down JT's chin from the corners of his mouth]
JT I control you, Peter! You are my puppet!
24. BILLY BLEACH
[a man is walking along a windswept, rainy clifftop, above a raging water-
fall. suddenly he comes across SD, and makes to sit down next to him...]
SD Someone's sittin' there, mate.
25. TAFFY
[PW gives a great big yawn]
PW Tired, I am.
26. ARCHIE
[MW and M1 are playing chess in the pub. M1 gets up to go to the bar.
PW seizes his chance and sits down at MW's table...]
PW You in the old chess game, I see? It's the 'ardest game in the world, that
y'know. The old chess game. Yeah. The old chess grand-masterin' I done.
Thirty years I done it. Man and boy. Nn. It is 'ard, innit? Y'know - the
old mental strain. Thinkin' all them moves ahead, huh? I used to think
games ahead.
[slight pause. MW remains seated, staring at PW impassively]
PW It got to me in the end. Yeah. I became mentally ill. Yeah. It's not what
done for me, though. No. I sustained a terrible back injury. In 1972, in
Reykjavik, when I tried to nut Spassky. Yeah.
[slight pause]
PW I carried on, y'know, for some time - with the madness, and the back. But,
er, a very good friend o' mine, he took me to one side, he said, "Archie,
chess is a young man's game. Ged out of it, son." Do you know who that
was? Alexander Higgins. Yes! Hu-hu-hur! I was up the canal on Wednes-
day afternoon with Stan. Yeah. I din' expect a lot, put I picked up a three
an' 'alf pound tench. Huh! Eh? Was a lot of fun on the pole with a one
pound ?? bossum ?? I can tell ya. Stan 'ad to mill it for me. He's only 'ad a
guppy, 'imself. It's gettin' embarrassin'. I think maybe he should look at
changin' 'is tackle or summing, eh?
[pause as PW has a quick sup]
PW Did you see Stars In Their Eyes last Saturday? There was a very good
Frank Sinatra impersonator on there. I don't normally like people imperson-
atin' Frank, y'know? But he showed a lot of respect.
[slight pause before PW looks down at the chessboard...]
PW Eargh! The squares!
[PW promptly shields his eyes with his forearm, and leaps up from the table]
27. THAT'S AMAZING
SD Hello, and welcome to That's Amazing, with ME, CARL HOOPER! TODAY, I'm
gonna show you THE VERY LATEST discovery from the world of science, as
I introduce to you a real-life mad professor. Doctor Norton Presterhouse,
from the Institute of Genetics, in Kentucky (and that's in the good old U.S.
of A.) G'day t'ya, Prof! So what have you crazy old boffins been dreamin'
up for us, mate?
M1 Ha-ha-ha! Well, you know, I wouldn't exactly say I was nutty. But, I
guess you gotta be a little bit crazy to do the kind of work that I do.
SD Yeah, well what exactly have you got to show us, mate?
M1 Well...
[pause]
M1 ... I guess your viewers'll be familiar with the film, "Jurassic Park".
SD Yeah, we've seen that. Now what exactly have you got to show us?
M1 Well, Carl, I guess you'll know what this is, then. A prehistoric mosquito
trapped in amber!
[M1 holds up a nugget of amber]
M1 And mosquitos like this, fed off the very blood of dinosaurs.
SD What exactly have you got to show us?
M1 Now, we an-nal-ised this... erm, an-ana-lise...
SD You mean analysed.
M1 That's the word. Y'see, I-I-I keep have trouble with that word. Which is
kind'a ironic, because in my work, I'm constantly having to an-nal-ise, er,
an-nal-ise...
SD ANALYSE!
M1 That's right! That's right. So, we at the Institute, an-nali- an-nal-ised this
mosquito, and re-AL-ised... that Jurassic Park might not simply be a fairy
tale. Now, through gee-netic coding, we've actually been able to create
and breed creatures that haven't walked this Earth for over sixty five
MILLION YEARS, Carl.
SD Like a real-life Jurassic Park?
M1 That's it! And... here it is.
[M1 reaches below the counter and produces a small blue fish tank, with
the words "JURASSIC PARK" written on a small label in felt-tip. SD looks
distinctly unimpressed]
SD That's a fish tank, mate.
M1 Was a fish tank. Now, it's Jurassic Park! Take a little look inside there,
Carl.
[slight pause as SD bends over to have a look]
SD They're mosquitos.
M1 That's right! Sixty five MILLION YEAR old mosquitos, Carl.
[pause]
SD Get off my show.
28. THE ANXIOUS POOR
[MW is leading his tribe down the street]
MW Quick! Come on!
29. TED AND RALPH: "BAD DAY FOR EVERYONE"
[PW is in the pub with his mates MW, SD & JT, playing a drinking game]
MW ...aspara-
*3 Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
SD Forfeit! Forfeit! Ha-ha-ha-ha!
PW It was carrots.
JT Ah. Now, get it roight this time, cos I'm dyin' o' thirst over 'ere.
SD Right. Ding-ding! Round two!
MW Tomato - what - aubergine - would - potato - you - turnip - like - carrots -
to - asparagus - drink?
SD Oh-ho-ho!
JT Tomato - pint... aubergine - of - potato - best - turnip - please!
*4 A-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
[MW goes off to get the drinks. CH appears at the door, looking around
for PW. when he finds him, he leans down to PW's ear to say quietly...]
CH (Ted, there's something I need to speak to you about).
SD Oi nominate Mr Mayhew.
*3 Ha-ha-ha!
CH Sorry?
*3 No! No, no, no!
JT Forfeit! Forfeit! You 'ave to say tomato.
CH I beg your pardon?
*2 A-ha-ha!
SD You've got to put a vegetable in front of each word, in the right order.
JT Look - this is 'ow it goes, roight? Tomatoes - aubergine - potato - turnip -
carrot - asparagus, then you add one o' your own, and then it's back to
tomatoes again.
[slight pause]
CH Yes, I'm sorry, I really have no idea what you're talking...
*3 Warrgh! No! Ha-ha-ha!
SD Forfeit! Forfeit!
JT Tomato - you - aubergine - have - potato - to - turnip - say - carrot -
the - asparagus - roight - broccoli - vegetables!
SD Ha-ha-ha! Or-o-or, aubergine - it's - potato - a - turnip - forfeit.
PW (It's a drinking game, sor.)
[pause]
CH (Look Ted, I really do need-)
*3 Barrrgh! Forfeit!
[pause as CH stands up to address them...]
CH It's, er, I'm very sorry, under normal circumstances - believe you me - I-I
would like nothing more than to, er, join you in your game, but... not
tonight, please.
PW Go on, sor, go on. Go on - it'll be a bit o' fun, sor.
[slight pause]
CH (Yes, Ted, really, I must-)
[MW comes back from the bar at that point and interrupts CH]
MW Tomato - 'ere's - aubergine - your - potato - drinks.
SD It's all roight - we got a new nominee.
MW Wahey!
SD Ha-ha-ha!
CH (It's a private matter-)
*3 BONG! Wa-ha-ha! Wahey!
[pause as CH finally admits defeat, and decides to play along...]
CH Er, er, tomato - it's - aubergine - a... potato - private - turnip - matter.
*2 A-ha!
JT See? You're gettin' the 'ang of it, now. That's roight!
PW That's right - don't be embarrassed, sor. Go on, it's just a little bit o' fun.
[pause as CH gulps back a shot of whisky to pluck up courage...]
CH Tomato - Ted... aubergine - your... potato - wife's... turnip - dead.
[PW's is grinning widely, until the word "dead", when it drops like a stone!
the others are all instantly subdued and look down at their feet]
CH Erm, I'm sorry. I really am sorry. Erm, I mean, tomato sorry.
[END CREDITS]
30. UNLUCKY ALF
[PW is in his kitchen. everything is alive and crackling with electricity...]
PW Ah 'ate... [Bzzzt!] Ah 'ate t' touch owt... [Bzzzt!] Ah know, Ah'll use old
kettle on't stove. [Bzzzt!] Yer can't go wrrong wi' gas, can yer?
[cut to 500ft above shot of PW's house. we hear a distant KABOOM! then
see PW whizzing past with a "Ah knew that'd 'appen" look on his face...]
PW Bugger.
31. BRILLIANT KID
[PW is in front of the same waterfall SD was at earlier in the programme.
PW leaps into the air, and simply shouts...]
PW BRILLIANNNNNNNNNNNNT!
[original script (c) BBC 1997
transcribed by Bon Scott]
--
Bon Scott