Why some a'parents object: was:BASTARD NATION *offends*
Marley Elizabeth Greiner
>>> I too find the term offensive, I am an adoptee born out of wedlock!
That makes you a bastard, honey. You just haven't experienced your Bastard
Moment yet.
By all means necessary,
Marely
Founding Foundling, BN
The world is a bastard
DeerWatson
In article <1996082014...@postbox.acs.ohio-state.edu>,
egre...@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Marley Elizabeth Greiner) writes:
>That makes you a bastard, honey. You just haven't experienced your
Bastard
>Moment yet.
>
>By all means necessary,
>Marely
>Founding Foundling, BN
>The world is a bastard
Your Bastard Moment?????
I LOVE IT!!!!!!
Deer
Living the Bastard Moment
Marley Elizabeth Greiner
Thanks, but it's not original with me. Someone used that term here a few
weeks ago, and I loved it.
Now, does anybody care to reflect on their very own personal Bastard Moment?
Mine was a rather drawn-out affair. Although I'd seen our anon. situation as
a political situation for some time, it was all rather vague to me. My
Bastard Moment started with a personal post to me from our very own Ungrateful
Bastard, Steve Sellers, shortly after I located by bmother's adaughter and
reached it's peak when I realized what exactly had been done to us as a class.
No matter how good or successful many of our adoption had been, we had also
lost something very precious--the ability to define ourselves in the context
of history (since I'm an historian, that's important to me.) Or in the words
of my darling Charlie U--"to know where you're going in terms of where you've
been." Each of us who are active in the "reform" movement have reached that
moment of clarity--but each individual Bastard Moment is experienced and
interpreted in a personal way that may make sense only to us.
When Damzy got the BN page up and I saw it for the first time, I cried.
Really! After all those years we had a voice.
By all means necessary,
Marley
Founding Foundling, BN
The world is a bastard
PS Would the fella who first used the phrase "Bastard Moment" please step
forward and take his credit.
Lesli
In article <egreiner.3...@pop.service.ohio-state.edu>,
egre...@pop.service.ohio-state.edu (Marley Elizabeth Greiner) wrote:
>In article <4vmfoq$o...@newsbf02.news.aol.com> deerw...@aol.com (DeerWatson)
writes:
>PS Would the fella who first used the phrase "Bastard Moment" please step
>forward and take his credit.
>
"Bastard Moments I Have Known" on the BN Web pages.
****************************
Lesli (aka B.G. Blackburn)
Bastard Nation
Damsel Plum
ll...@cornell.edu (Lesli) wrote:
>I got it from Betti Jean Lifton's _Journey of the Adopted Self_. Check out
>"Bastard Moments I Have Known" on the BN Web pages.
>****************************
>Lesli (aka B.G. Blackburn)
>Bastard Nation
http://www.crl.com/~omatic/bastard/bastard.htm
My Dad's dying. Gotta go to Florida. Be back next week but might be
away for a while. See y'all later.
Damzy
Bastard Nation
Sub-Commandante for Public Relations
****************************************************
BASTARD NATION http://www.crl.com/~omatic/bastard/
****************************************************
PattyB
On Sat, 24 Aug 1996, Lesli wrote:
> Message-ID: <4vn8s5$l...@newsstand.cit.cornell.edu>
> References: <1996082014...@postbox.acs.ohio-state.edu>
> <4vmfoq$o...@newsbf02.news.aol.com>
> <egreiner.3...@pop.service.ohio-state.edu>
>
> In article <egreiner.3...@pop.service.ohio-state.edu>,
> egre...@pop.service.ohio-state.edu (Marley Elizabeth Greiner) wrote:
> >PS Would the fella who first used the phrase "Bastard Moment" please step
> >forward and take his credit.
> >
> I got it from Betti Jean Lifton's _Journey of the Adopted Self_. Check out
> "Bastard Moments I Have Known" on the BN Web pages.
>
> ****************************
> Lesli (aka B.G. Blackburn)
> Bastard Nation
>
"Bastard Moment" appears in BJ's book because of that great "fella", O.
Susan Moses! I have a feeling that Moses, as we so lovingly call HER,
is lurking here abouts --M O S E S-- come forward old girl, we need ya!
Patty B...
Friend of Bastard Nation
Marley Elizabeth Greiner
I only remember "Bastard Moment" from a couple weeks ago, when I KNOW a guy
used it. I've read BJ's book, and the phrase didn't sink in then (I'll have
read it again when I feel like being suicidal.) ) I had not experienced my
own Bastard Moment the first time around.
ADAPTEE
In article <4vmfoq$o...@newsbf02.news.aol.com>, deerw...@aol.com
(DeerWatson) writes:
>You just haven't experienced your
>Bastard
>>Moment yet.
>>
>>By all means necessary,
>>Marely
>>Founding Foundling, BN
>>The world is a bastard
>
>Your Bastard Moment?????
>I LOVE IT!!!!!!
>
>Deer
>Living the Bastard Moment
Hi everyone, my name is Belden, I'm Bastardmomentolic.
I've been conscious of this condition for about 8 years now. I've spent
most of my life seeking attention, taking every rejection personally, and
then blaming myself. I've smoked myself into oblivion to escape my own
pain, drowning in self pity. I've pretended to be someone else, adapting
to fit into the crowd. I've created fantasy to avoid reality.
NO MORE, I SAY!!!
From this day forward, I accept my status as a Bastard!
I AM BASTARD!!! Hear me ROOOAAARRRRR!!!
Power to the Bastards!
Beldonious
O Moses
Hi there! Someone call for the Queen Bastard Mother? Here I am. And yes,
indeed, I am the person who initiated the phrase "Bastard Moment". Gave
that to B.J. when she was working on the last book, it having appeared in
one of my own little collections that was printed in 1990.
What do you want to know, if anything, about the Bastard Moment?
Moses
ADAPTEE
In article <4vu79j$1d...@usenetp1.news.prodigy.com>, CQV...@prodigy.com (O
Moses) writes:
>What do you want to know, if anything, about the Bastard Moment?
What experiences led you to coin the phrase "Bastard Moment"?
With respect,
Belden
a0011261
Marley writes:
>
> Mine was a rather drawn-out affair. Although I'd seen our anon. situation
as
> a political situation for some time, it was all rather vague to me.
*************
Would you care to enumerate one section of the United States Constitution
that has less application to you since you are adopted? Along with how that
has had an impact in your life?
**********
> PS Would the fella who first used the phrase "Bastard Moment" please step
> forward and take his credit.
>
************
This is so telling. You all LIVE in that moment - the moment you were
adopted. It is the central and controlling reality of your life. You let it
define you. You're trapped in it. You can't redefine yourself as a free,
adult being with choice until you move OUT of that moment into what you
CHOOSE to do with adoption, with disabilities, with talents, with blessings,
with misfortunes, in your own life.
I'm adopted. It's ONE fact of my life - a rather nice one, really. There are
other facts of my life that really have a lot more to do with my everyday
quality of life. I don't let adoption control or define my life. I don't
know why bastardy is so important to some people. It makes no sense. It's
like joining a group of people who have freckles or something. It's just one
facet of a multifaceted identity.
None of us choose our parents - birth parents or adoptive parents. We can,
however, choose to define ourselves, to mold ourselves, to make ourselves
anything we like. I can't imagine why one moment - the moment of adoption,
MUST control your life. Make your own life. You've got free will. Deal with
something more immediate, like our political or social or spiritual problems.
Railing against adoption is like arguing against the tide. It happened. With
all due respect to those whose adoptions were lousy, grow up and get over
it.
I don't have a Bastard Moment. I have a LIFE. I made it for myself. Good and
bad, I don't let some birthparent, adoptive parent (as much as I love them)
or adoption professional define it. If you can't grasp that you have the
choice also, then I'm sorry for you.
KBS
the.usua...@airmail.net
no bastard, thank you very much.
.
Shea Grimm
a0011261 <a001...@mail.airmail.net> wrote:
>
>Would you care to enumerate one section of the United States Constitution
>that has less application to you since you are adopted? Along with how that
>has had an impact in your life?
>
I'll field that one. Closed records violate an individual's rights
secured by the 1st, 5th,9th, and 14th amendments to the Constitution,
including the Equal Protection clauses and Due Process clause of the
14th Amendment. I also think that there's a good argument to be made
that denying one one's original name and birth certificate and ethnic
identity are a violation of the 13th Amendment, by imposing some of
the hallmarks of slavery on another discrete abd heretofore
politically powerless minority. If you truly do not believe that
sealed records are fraught with legal problems, I recommend that you
pick up a back issue of the Loyola University Law Journal, 6 (1975):
49.
How has it affected my life? For more than two decades I was denied
contact with my tribal roots and family, resulting in an odd fugue
state when as an adult, I attempted to 'come home'. I was unable to
provide my children with information that would allow them to claim
their birthrights. I was unable to get a chronic medical condition
diagnosed and treated. it plagued me for years, and was fixed two
weeks after my first conversation with my mother. I spent several
thousand dollars in court when I was denied a passport because of my
'fake' birth certificate. Amusing, isn't it? The government seals the
real one, issues a fake one, and then refuses to accept it as proof of
identity. Charming.
>This is so telling. You all LIVE in that moment - the moment you were
>adopted.
Not surprising that you missed the point. Read again and try to
understand. A Bastard Moment is not the moment when you were adopted.
It is the moment when you become empowered and realize that the
ability to define yourself lies with you. A Bastard Moment is the
realization that regardless of what society attempts to do to
adoptees, through shame, or, in your case, through attempts at
stigmatizing those who refuse to accept the status quo, we don't have
to become what people like *you* tell us we will become or have
already become. A Bastard Moment is when one seizes ahold of the
notion that people like you and Carol do not have power over us. Your
backhanded attempts to forever remind us that our true saviours were
our adoptive parents, and stepping out of line is a slap in the face
and a symbol of our mental instability, have no power over Bastards
because we realize that it is *you* who are ruled by fear, guilt, and
ignorance.
>I can't imagine why one moment - the moment of adoption,
Try to read for comprehension instead of letting the colors of your
agenda blind you to what is being said.
>no bastard, thank you very much.
By denying the reality, you are playing into the hands of those who
would use the fact of your adoption to judge you. Your rejection of
your adopted status, and your continued adamant stance that adoption
means nothing to those who are mentally healthy, is clearly the result
of you having absorbed the rules of the game. It's no wonder you
despise those of us who, after our Bastard Moment, refuse to play by
the rules. It's what you long to do, but can't seem to.
Shea
"You may not be who you are"
http://www.alt.net/~waltj/shea/adopt.html
PattyB
[cc to a001...@mail.airmail.net Kimberly Stone]
On 1 Sep 1996, a0011261 (Kimberly Stone) wrote:
> Message-ID: <50c72g$1...@library.airnews.net>
> References: <1996082014...@postbox.acs.ohio-state.edu>
<4vmfoq$o...@newsbf02.news.aol.com>
<egreiner.3...@pop.service.ohio-state.edu>
> Marley writes:
> >
<snip>
> > PS Would the fella who first used the phrase "Bastard Moment"
> > please step forward and take his credit.
As mentioned in an earlier note to Marley, the person *I* know of who
created the term "Bastard Moment", and gave it to BJ Lifton, is O.
Susan Moses...she is a reunited adoptee, currently on *Prodigy - wish
she'd spend more time with us here on alt.a!!
Kimberly [KBS] writes:
> ************
> This is so telling. You all LIVE in that moment - the moment you were
> adopted. It is the central and controlling reality of your life. You
> let it define you. You're trapped in it. You can't redefine yourself
> as a free, adult being with choice until you move OUT of that moment
> into what you CHOOSE to do with adoption, with disabilities, with
> talents, with blessings, with misfortunes, in your own life.
>
> I'm adopted. It's ONE fact of my life - a rather nice one, really.
> There are other facts of my life that really have a lot more to do
> with my everyday quality of life. I don't let adoption control or
> define my life. I don't know why bastardy is so important to some
> people. It makes no sense. It's like joining a group of people who
> have freckles or something. It's just one facet of a multifaceted
> identity.
>
> None of us choose our parents - birth parents or adoptive parents.
> We can, however, choose to define ourselves, to mold ourselves, to
> make ourselves anything we like. I can't imagine why one moment -
> the moment of adoption, MUST control your life. Make your own life.
> You've got free will. Deal with something more immediate, like our
> political or social or spiritual problems. Railing against adoption
> is like arguing against the tide. It happened. With all due respect
> to those whose adoptions were lousy, grow up and get over it.
Who here is "railing against adoption"? I see a number well-educated,
informed, and intense people on this newgroup who are battling a system
of secrecy and lies. Surely you could count on one hand the number of
posters here who come anywhere near to being against adoption - as it
CAN be, having respect for, and giving to, all participants.
>
> I don't have a Bastard Moment. I have a LIFE. I made it for myself.
> Good and bad, I don't let some birthparent, adoptive parent (as much
> as I love them) or adoption professional define it. If you can't
> grasp that you have the choice also, then I'm sorry for you.
>
> KBS
> the.usua...@airmail.net
> no bastard, thank you very much.
> .
Ah...the Bastard Moment! You'll find a more complete definiton, with
examples, in Betty Jean Lifton's book, "Journey of the Adopted Self -
A Quest for Wholeness" [publ 1994; Basic Books, Div. of Harper/Collins]
To give you an idea:
Chapter 12, The Painted Bird
[BEGIN QUOTE]
`The Bastard Moment', pg. 177
"Some adoptees experience the Bastard Moment for the first time when
the birth mother does not introduce them to the rest of her family.
This happened to me when my mother refused to tell her next born, my
half-brother, about me. `Wait until he finishes graduate school,' she
said. And after that: `Wait until he gets settled in his profession.'
As if knowing about me would unsettle him. Curiously, years later, when
her niece was getting married, my mother felt obliged to invite me and
my husband to the wedding - - with the proviso that we would assume
other names and identities. I couldn't agree to those conditions, which
meant I did not get to meet my brother and the other members of her
extended family. Looking back on it now, I regret that I turned down
such an opportunity, that I didn't understand that meeting everyone
incognito would have been a step toward meeting them openly in the
future - - the only step that my mother was able to offer at that
period of her life. But at the time I was immobilized by the shameful
power of the Bastard Moment, which threatened to extinguish the
legitimate identity I had as a woman, wife, mother, and writer."
[END QUOTE]
If you'll read the book, I know that you'll find many other - and quite
*different* experiences of the "Bastard Moment" - to each her/his own.
As you're an attorney, Kimberly, I would think being open to something
and learning about how others have experienced a situation similar to
your own would, at the very least, be a curiousity.
a0011261
>
>
> a0011261 <a001...@mail.airmail.net> wrote:
>
> >
> >Would you care to enumerate one section of the United States Constitution
> >that has less application to you since you are adopted? Along with how
that
> >has had an impact in your life?
> >
>
>
> I'll field that one. Closed records violate an individual's rights
> secured by the 1st, 5th,9th, and 14th amendments to the Constitution,
> including the Equal Protection clauses and Due Process clause of the
> 14th Amendment. I also think that there's a good argument to be made
> that denying one one's original name and birth certificate and ethnic
> identity are a violation of the 13th Amendment, by imposing some of
> the hallmarks of slavery on another discrete abd heretofore
> politically powerless minority. If you truly do not believe that
> sealed records are fraught with legal problems, I recommend that you
> pick up a back issue of the Loyola University Law Journal, 6 (1975):
> 49.
**********
I'll look at this.
***********
>
> How has it affected my life? For more than two decades I was denied
> contact with my tribal roots and family,
*********
Shea, I would have to say that yours is a unique situation. I've said that
before and I can't put it any plainer: the situation of a Native American
child being adopted out of its culture, which is, arguably, one more
domination and subjugation by whites, is a unique and sad situation.
**********
resulting in an odd fugue
> state when as an adult, I attempted to 'come home'. I was unable to
> provide my children with information that would allow them to claim
> their birthrights. I was unable to get a chronic medical condition
> diagnosed and treated. it plagued me for years, and was fixed two
> weeks after my first conversation with my mother. I spent several
> thousand dollars in court when I was denied a passport because of my
> 'fake' birth certificate. Amusing, isn't it?
**********
It's not amusing in the least. It's sad. It's wrong. It's something you're
quite right in being angry about. I don't see what calling yourself a
perjorative like 'bastard' does to remedy that situation.
**********
The government seals the
> real one, issues a fake one, and then refuses to accept it as proof of
> identity. Charming.
********
I agree!
************
>
> >This is so telling. You all LIVE in that moment - the moment you were
> >adopted.
>
>
> Not surprising that you missed the point. Read again and try to
> understand. A Bastard Moment is not the moment when you were adopted.
> It is the moment when you become empowered and realize that the
> ability to define yourself lies with you.
***********
Then we have no argument, do we? My point was really identical: that no
moment defines your life, whether it was the moment you 'became' a 'bastard'
or the moment you 'realized' you were a 'bastard'. The point is we've got a
life and we can do what we like with it. Adoption IS but one facet of our
being, Shea. More for you, perhaps, and deal with it as you see fit. But not
all of us are going to be defined by a birth certificate, a 'bastard moment'
or whatever.
*****************
A Bastard Moment is the
> realization that regardless of what society attempts to do to
> adoptees, through shame, or, in your case, through attempts at
> stigmatizing those who refuse to accept the status quo, we don't have
> to become what people like *you* tell us we will become or have
> already become.
************
WHOA! Throw out the anchor and stop right there. People like ME?
Perhaps you've forgotten that I don't give a flip about sealed records or
searches: have both if you like! Call yourself a bastard if you like! Do as
you see fit and allow me the same (which is not to search and not to call
myself that perjorative name, thank you very much.)
You have no problem with empowerment, Shea, if you don't let anything stand
in your way. Evidently you're a strong woman and can make your voice heard.
Good for you.
I am NOT standing in your way, telling you SQUAT. I'm sure you won't be
repeating that error. SEARCH if you like. HAVE OPEN RECORDS if you like. BE
A BASTARD WITH BASTARD TATTOOED ON YOUR HEAD IF YOU LIKE. YOUR life. You're
empowered. Your choice. Go for it.
*******************
A Bastard Moment is when one seizes ahold of the
> notion that people like you and Carol
**********
Ahem! Me again? Demonizing old Kim down in Dallas again. New Olympic Sport
for 2000?
Who is Carol?
**************
do not have power over us. Your
> backhanded attempts to forever remind us that our true saviours were
> our adoptive parents, and stepping out of line is a slap in the face
> and a symbol of our mental instability,
**********
I never said such a thing. I personally choose to love my adoptive parents.
You can choose for yourself. You can choose to be anything you like. What I
was suggesting was that you simply accept that adoption is but one facet of
a multifaceted personality, and that it need not, of necessity, be the ONE
facet that controls.
I'm sure you're clear on that now, Shea!
**************************
have no power over Bastards
*********
I don't want power over anyone. Just my own life. Search, open files, do
whatever you like, Shea. I don't know where you get these ideas? Been
talking to Kate about how nasty a "PAP" I am?
*********
> because we realize that it is *you* who are ruled by fear, guilt, and
> ignorance.
>
************
What? Bugger off, Shea! You're out of line!
************
>
> >I can't imagine why one moment - the moment of adoption,
>
> Try to read for comprehension instead of letting the colors of your
> agenda blind you to what is being said.
>
*********8
What agenda is that? Or, rather, what agenda are you attributing to me?
***********
> >no bastard, thank you very much.
>
>
> By denying the reality, you are playing into the hands of those who
> would use the fact of your adoption to judge you.
**********
And who would that be? Not a single soul in my life has ever treated me
differently because of my adoption! Try to see this from someone's
perspective other than your own. It hasn't had the devastating consequences
as far as identity that it has for you. It has had ZERO consequences outside
my own family, which has always treated me as their own, their loved and
beloved family member. It makes, to some people, really difference. An
adopted child can and should be loved as much, disciplined as much, hugged
as much, cared for as much, as a biological one. I've never said otherwise!
************
Your rejection of
> your adopted status,
************
Au contraire, I celebrate it. I have 2 great parents whom I love! Get used to
it!
***********
and your continued adamant stance that adoption
> means nothing to those who are mentally healthy,
***********
I NEVER said that, Shea! You're out of line. What I said was I had no
emotional need or desire to search. I said that all adoptees can and should
do as they see fit about searching, reuniting, and their own feelings about
adoption.
Get some reading glasses, Shea, that aren't clouded with YOUR agenda. I don't
have a problem with letting you BE what you WANT to be with regard to
adoption - I have that right to and I will exercise it.
I was suggesting in my post not that people hide adoption just that it is, as
I said before and I don't know another way of saying, MERELY ONE FACET of a
whole psychic identity. ONE. Not the ONLY one. Not ALL. One.
*****************8
is clearly the result
> of you having absorbed the rules of the game. It's no wonder you
> despise those of us who, after our Bastard Moment, refuse to play by
> the rules. It's what you long to do, but can't seem to.
>
> Shea
>
***************
Shea, I don't WANT to play your bastard game. I COULD have come here and said
"I'm a bastard too!" and buttered up everyone about this adoption thing
according to YOUR views, YOUR rules, YOUR needs to be "bastards". Those are
NOT my needs, my desires, my agenda. I'm different in that I've NEVER felt
that searching was something I'd need to do other than for purely medical
reasons, but search if YOU want to. Do what you need to do and allow me the
same right. A lot has happened since you went on vacation, including the
complete and total HALT to our personal adoption plans for the time being.
Temporary (But serious!) financial setback. A challenge that we have to grow
through. Still going to do it, maybe a year or two away. I'm here on
alt.adoption to continue to explore and learn, and to contact people, and to
smack down Kate when she needs it with her PAP-lies, NOT to be subsumed into
what YOU think I should be as a 'bastard' nor as an adoptive-parent to be.
You don't get that your judgments, and Kate's, really don't have any force
to them, and that I reject them wholly, do you?
I don't care about Bastard Nation. I think it's a little pathetic to go
around calling yourself a perjorative name, but it's your deal. Have fun
with it if you need to. But it's not the way of all adoptees, nor is my way
your way. In this, Shea, as in all things, really, we have equal rights.
>
> "You may not be who you are"
> http://www.alt.net/~waltj/shea/adopt.html
***********
Yes, well, Shea, who I am is not a member of bastard nation but rather of my
family, by MY choice, plus a lot of other things.
**********
>
a0011261
>
>
>
>
> >I don't care about Bastard Nation. I think it's a little pathetic to go
> >around calling yourself a perjorative name, but it's your deal. Have fun
> >with it if you need to. But it's not the way of all adoptees, nor is my
way
> >your way. In this, Shea, as in all things, really, we have equal rights.
>
> And what is your opinion of adherents to Queer Nation, the Radical Fairies,
> Pussies for Choice? I had friend in Russia who played in a bad called
> Bitch. I hate to think what you'd do with NWA. Your middle class is
showing!
>
> By all means necessary,
> Marley
> Founding Founding
> The world is a bastard
**************
No opinion of any of the above because I don't know who they are, what they
want, or anything about them. There's a band called FUCK schlepping around
here. Big deal. I curse with the best of them, Marley, and it's not the use
of fuck, or bitch, or bastard that I find weird. It's the need to call
oneself someone that connotes rejected, rather than chosen, something that
connotes someone unworthy, rather than worthy. I evidently have a different
world view than you do of adoption and my needs are not met by calling
myself 'bastard' or anything other than my parent's child.
BFD that someone is adopted. The person who wants to make a BFD about it by
calling himself "bastard' - well, whatever makes you happy. Just not my cup
of tea.
Shea Grimm
a0011261 <a001...@mail.airmail.net> wrote:
>Shea, I would have to say that yours is a unique situation. I've said that
>before and I can't put it any plainer: the situation of a Native American
>child being adopted out of its culture, which is, arguably, one more
>domination and subjugation by whites, is a unique and sad situation.
>**********
While I agree with you that in some ways, the situation is unique, I
do not believe that you can argue that disenfranchisement from one's
culture is *necessarily* any more deeply felt for adoptees that are
Native than they are for African-American adoptees, Latina adoptees,
Irish adoptees, etc. For a fairly large number of people, their ethnic
identity is important to them. Non-adoptees have the choice to
investigate theirs, and immerse themselves in it or not. Adoptees
usually do not have that choice.
>It's not amusing in the least. It's sad. It's wrong. It's something you're
>quite right in being angry about. I don't see what calling yourself a
>perjorative like 'bastard' does to remedy that situation.
Personally, I think the problem here is that you see the term as a
perjorative. I also call myself a halfbreed, and a witch. Both are
terms that some people use as a perjorative, but by their dictionary
definition meaning, and historical use, I am all of these things. I
find that seizing the term and making it my own is empowering. When I
am empowered, I am more capable of affecting change in other ways. I
am more confident, more self-aware, and healthier in general. In fact,
many people here have tried to explain to you and to others what their
'bastard moment' has meant for them. I find it hard to argue with
someone who feels stronger and more capable because of something they
chose to embrace.
>Then we have no argument, do we? My point was really identical: that no
>moment defines your life,
Actually, I would argue that life is composed of several defining
moments but would agree that no single one is *the* defining moment.
>Adoption IS but one facet of our
>being, Shea.
I've never tried to argue otherwise. Where I see our communication
breaking down is that you seem to want to insist that by talking about
these adoption issues, by raging about them, by 'joining' Bastard
Nation, that somehow I, or others, are saying that adoption is what
our lives are all about, and frankly, I don't believe that many of us
feel that way. We talk about adoption here because this is
alt.adoption. It's what most of us have in common. I am confused as to
why you think that Bastard Nation or fighting for open records, or
disliking the institution of closed adoption means that adoption has
an inflated spot in any of our lives. I give it the weight it
deserves, and ultimately only *I* can determine what that weight
should be.
>More for you, perhaps, and deal with it as you see fit. But not
>all of us are going to be defined by a birth certificate, a 'bastard moment'
>or whatever.
I have never suggested that 'all of us' will be.
>WHOA! Throw out the anchor and stop right there. People like ME?
Yes, people like you. I will quote from your previous note.
"This is so telling. You all LIVE in that moment - the moment you were
adopted."
This is just ridiculous. See above for a further explanation.
>Perhaps you've forgotten that I don't give a flip about sealed records or
>searches: have both if you like! Call yourself a bastard if you like! Do as
>you see fit and allow me the same (which is not to search and not to call
>myself that perjorative name, thank you very much.)
Kim, I have never suggested that you shouldn't be allowed to search.
As far as being a bastard, I don't know anything about your
birthparents, so I can't really comment. If you chose to reject the
term for a person born to unmarried persons, that's your business,
although it seems a little odd.
>I am NOT standing in your way, telling you SQUAT. I'm sure you won't be
>repeating that error. SEARCH if you like. HAVE OPEN RECORDS if you like. BE
>A BASTARD WITH BASTARD TATTOOED ON YOUR HEAD IF YOU LIKE. YOUR life. You're
>empowered. Your choice. Go for it.
Kim, you have continually belittled Bastard Nation and those in it.
You have questioned the mental health of more than one individual
here, apparently for their adoption views. You still insinuate openly
that those involved with Bastard Nation are somehow blowing the
effects of their adoption out of proportion. In this way you are
'telling' us that to talk about adoption, to deal with our adoption in
our own way is not 'healthy', the thing that you absolutely cannot
stand to have done to you. Can't you just accept that your
non-searching/don't want my records status is as incomprehensible to
those of us who searched and want open records, as our status is to
you, and move from there? You say we should have open records if we
want. They great! We agree! So why not stop with all the lectures on
how we should 'feel' and 'be' and what we should 'accept' or not, and
talk about substantive things.
>What I
>was suggesting was that you simply accept that adoption is but one facet of
>a multifaceted personality, and that it need not, of necessity, be the ONE
>facet that controls.
See above.
>I don't want power over anyone. Just my own life. Search, open files, do
>whatever you like, Shea.
Great! Wonderful! We can open records and you don't have to have yours
and those of us who want them can have ours and everyone will be
happy. But somehow I still think you'll be following around everyone
who gets their records and asking them why, how they think adoption
affected their lives, and can't they just be happy being who they are.
Look, Kim, I know there are people on this group who bug you about not
searching and who suggest that you're in denial and in general are
assholes about the whole thing. But I don't think the solution is for
you to be an asshole back, bugging all searchers and bastards and
telling them that they're blowing everything out of proportion and let
adoption control their lives. The fact is, we see things differently,
but seem to agree that we should all have the choice to have our
records and search or not. Now, I know we have quite a bit of
disagreement in other areas, like birthfather notification, agency vs.
private adoption, etc, etc. So why don't you just let bastards and
searchers be, or attack them on the merits of their arguments rather
than attempting to harass them about their personalities, choices, and
how big or little the adoption issue looms in their lives.
>What? Bugger off, Shea! You're out of line!
For that mild little swipe? Is this a kinder, gentler Kim? I'll be
nice if you will, 'kay?
>What agenda is that? Or, rather, what agenda are you attributing to me?
Well, I could go into it, but I guess it really doesn't matter. What
matters is the merit of the argument.
>Try to see this from someone's
>perspective other than your own.
I have to admit that I haven't seen you doing very much of this,
either, although I will acknowledge that people in general seldom do.
>You don't get that your judgments, and Kate's, really don't have any force
>to them, and that I reject them wholly, do you?
I don't believe you, Kim, frankly. I cannot conceive that an
individual would get so absolutely worked up over something that had
no force over them.
>> "You may not be who you are"
>> http://www.alt.net/~waltj/shea/adopt.html
>***********
>Yes, well, Shea, who I am is not a member of bastard nation but rather of my
>family, by MY choice, plus a lot of other things.
Er, that's a line from the x-files, Kim. It wasn't met for you
personally.
Shea
Marley Elizabeth Greiner
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> >I don't care about Bastard Nation. I think it's a little pathetic to go
>> >around calling yourself a perjorative name, but it's your deal. Have fun
>> >with it if you need to. But it's not the way of all adoptees, nor is my
>way
>> >your way. In this, Shea, as in all things, really, we have equal rights.
>>
>> And what is your opinion of adherents to Queer Nation, the Radical Fairies,
>> Pussies for Choice? I had friend in Russia who played in a bad called
>> Bitch. I hate to think what you'd do with NWA. Your middle class is
>showing!
>>
>> By all means necessary,
>> Marley
>> Founding Founding
>> The world is a bastard
>**************
>No opinion of any of the above because I don't know who they are, what they
>want, or anything about them.
You've never heard of Queer Nation? Do you live in a cave?
There's a band called FUCK schlepping around
>here. Big deal. I curse with the best of them, Marley, and it's not the use
>of fuck, or bitch, or bastard that I find weird.
Obviously. You do enough vulgar name-calling here.
It's the need to call
>oneself someone that connotes rejected, rather than chosen, something that
>connotes someone unworthy, rather than worthy. I evidently have a different
>world view than you do of adoption and my needs are not met by calling
>myself 'bastard' or anything other than my parent's child.
You have just defined how you youself see bastards: someone unworthy. Now
it all makes sense. You'd never want to be one of us. The horror of it all.
WitchinRed
In article <50c72g$1...@library.airnews.net>, a0011261
<a001...@mail.airmail.net> writes:
>************
>This is so telling. You all LIVE in that moment - the moment you were
>adopted. It is the central and controlling reality of your life. You let
it
>define you. You're trapped in it. You can't redefine yourself as a free,
>adult being with choice until you move OUT of that moment into what you
>CHOOSE to do with adoption, with disabilities, with talents, with
blessings,
>with misfortunes, in your own life.
>
No, I don't LIVE in that moment. Hell, like most folks, I don't even
remember being born let alone concieved! But when talking about adoption,
as here in aa, yes I do use the sig. I love it. The very first time I
came in here and saw it (it was under Arnie's name, I can still remember
that much about it) I LAUGHED like HELL! It was just like something
clicked. No, it was more like flicking on a light switch and having ALL
the lights in the whole house come on at the same time. You know, someone
got it! They just * GOT IT!! DAMN IT!!* That was exactly how I felt but
was afraid to say it. Here I can stand up and I can say it and I can even
be proud of it if I choose to be.
I don't sign *everyting* I write: Beth, Bastard Nation. I've considered
it on AOL but didn't know if that would be OK or not so I've never done
it. I don't use at all outside of this ng. I don't LIVE in my Bastardy.
I have a very full life, two kids, two cats, one dog, one husband. I have
lots of talents that i utilize and exercise everyday, I'm a great gardener
and lover of nature. I use the herbs I grow to help heal my friends ails
and aches and pains. I do other things besides come into aa and talk
about things. A life outside cyber-space.
>I'm adopted. It's ONE fact of my life - a rather nice one, really. There
are
>other facts of my life that really have a lot more to do with my everyday
>quality of life. I don't let adoption control or define my life. I don't
>know why bastardy is so important to some people. It makes no sense. It's
>like joining a group of people who have freckles or something. It's just
one
>facet of a multifaceted identity.
Agreed. It is one facet of my identity. The ONE I disucss in here.
That's what this place is for. Not too many of us in here really know any
of the others in here. There are some who are great friends and
communicate a lot through e-mail and who have even met but on the whole
I'd have to say that most of us are just blips on a screen to one another.
I don't think anyone can actually judge anybody else's LIFE by the things
they say in here about adoption.
>None of us choose our parents - birth parents or adoptive parents. We
can,
>however, choose to define ourselves, to mold ourselves, to make ourselves
>anything we like. I can't imagine why one moment - the moment of
adoption,
>MUST control your life. Make your own life. You've got free will. Deal
with
>something more immediate, like our political or social or spiritual
problems.
>Railing against adoption is like arguing against the tide. It happened.
With
>all due respect to those whose adoptions were lousy, grow up and get over
>it.
Agreed again. We don't pick and choose our parents. And as previously
stated there are many more factes to all of our lives. Some people
however do feel stuck in this one moment, they will get past it and this
ng will help them. There are things about that moment that I still have
problems with and I deal with day to day. It is part of me and I am part
of it. There's no seperating the two, it goes into making up a lot of who
I am socially. And helps in determining a lot of things I do, consciously
or unconsciously.
I am a bastard but I don't rail against my adoption. I embrace it. I
love my family. They love me. Let's sing the Barney Tune here. But that
doesn't mean that there aren't some lingering scars here and there, things
I'd like to right. I do that in here by getting the feedback from
everyone else.
Beth
Bastard Nation
O Moses
Belden-
The phrase Bastard Moment was born out of personal experience, mine as
well as similar experiences of other adoptees I know.
The Bastard Moment can come at most any time but there are some specific
parameters which define the event. Most adoptees have been carefully
shielded from the experience of feeling like a bastard. Only one person
can actually bring that knowledge home for an adoptee and that person is
their birthmother. She alone has the true power to blindside an adoptee
with the certain knowledge of what it is to be a bastard.
The moment most often takes place at an important family event. Others
must be present as humiliation and outrage are often a part of this
enlightening scenario. Lots of times it will take place at a funeral.
What happens is that the birthmother must deny their actual relationship
to the adoptee to someone important in the birthmother's life, i.e.
husband, sister, brother, aunt child, etc.. The adoptee must be there to
witness this event, preferably in very close proximity. The adoptee has
to sense the shame of the birthmother that the adoptee exists and further,
the adoptee must recognize that their existence is one irretrievably
linked with shame for their birthmother.
Mine took place at my birthsister's home. Birthmother showed up with her
husband, the little geek, in tow. After sitting in the same room
mindlessly chatting for about half an hour, my birthmother said to her
other daughter "Why don't you introduce your friend to your father?". At
that moment I came to know what it was to be a bastard.
Two of my adoptee friends suffered the same knowledge while attending
birthsiblings funerals. They were seated at the back of the church while
the birthmother and surviving siblings who all knew the adoptees sat in
the front of the church.
Ah yes, you will know when you have your first bastard moment. And it is
rarely a one time event once you have experienced it.
Susan
Arnie G TN
In article <50hqqb$s...@newsbf02.news.aol.com>, witch...@aol.com
(WitchinRed) writes:
> (it was under Arnie's name, I can still remember that much about it) I
LAUGHED like HELL! <
arnie
bastard nation
"never blow up a beaver"
Marley Elizabeth Greiner
Arnie--
I think we need to organize the Beaver Patrol. Would you like to be the
Commander and Chief?
By all means necessary,
Marley
Founding Founding, BN
The world is a bastard
If you lie to me, the you don't respect me.
.....Charlie U
DeerWatson
In article <50idib$23...@usenetz1.news.prodigy.com>, CQV...@prodigy.com (O
Moses) writes:
>Ah yes, you will know when you have your first bastard moment. And it is
>rarely a one time event once you have experienced it.
>
>Susan
AH yes...Moses...
a bastard moment I will never forget...
As most of you know, my birthmom was deceased when I found my way home...
my birthgrandparents and their other 6 children *welcomed* me though...
well, my grandmother put pictures of my children right up on the table
with
all of her other grand and great grandchildren...I felt very good.
One day..she became very sick..I raced up to Ky to see her in the
hospital.
My grandfather needed a ride home..so I offered...when we got there I
walked
in with him...one of my uncles was inside...
After standing there for a few minutes with them...I began to cry
quietly...
I couldn't help it...I had looked over to the table and there were no
pictures of
the bastard et al....none....my uncle immediately knew what the problem
was..
the pictures were in a drawer..whenever they knew I was coming...they
would
put them out...
Oh Karen..my uncle explains....they are just afraid of the questions,
etc...
The questions....
sigh
Deer
Damsel Plum
deerw...@aol.com (DeerWatson) wrote:
>My grandfather needed a ride home..so I offered...when we got there I
>walked in with him...one of my uncles was inside...
>After standing there for a few minutes with them...I began to cry
>quietly... I couldn't help it...I had looked over to the table and there were no
>pictures of the bastard et al....none....my uncle immediately knew what the problem
>was..the pictures were in a drawer..whenever they knew I was coming...they
>would put them out...
>Oh Karen..my uncle explains....they are just afraid of the questions,
>etc...
>The questions....
>sigh
>Deer
My Bastard Moment came pretty early on in my life. I just remember
standing on my block with my parents and sister (the biological child
of my parents) and some moron saying "But she looks so *different*
from all of you", My mother quickly explained that I took after her
father's side, which is English. "Oh, I see.".
Later on my Mom asked whether I minded her saying that. "No, of
course not", I replied. But it did make me realize that my being
adopted wasn't as simple as my parents had painted it.
Then in third grade I naively informed some of my classmates that I
was adopted. One said "Why, didn't your mother want you?".
Another said "That means your mother was a hoe (whore)".
"No, I was chosen! I'm special!". Whatever. You get the picture.
Actually I w rote something about this. Maybe I'll put a link to it
on the BN site,
PattyB
[cc to DeerW...@aol.com]
On 4 Sep 1996, DeerWatson wrote:
> Message-ID: <50k014$p...@newsbf02.news.aol.com>
> References: <50idib$23...@usenetz1.news.prodigy.com>
>
> > In article <50idib$23...@usenetz1.news.prodigy.com>,
> > CQV...@prodigy.com (O Moses) writes:
> > Ah yes, you will know when you have your first bastard moment.
> > And it is rarely a one time event once you have experienced it.
> >
> > Susan
> AH yes...Moses...
> a bastard moment I will never forget...
>
> As most of you know, my birthmom was deceased when I found my way
> home... my birthgrandparents and their other 6 children *welcomed*
> me though... well, my grandmother put pictures of my children right
> up on the table with all of her other grand and great grandchildren...
> I felt very good. One day..she became very sick..I raced up to Ky to
> see her in the hospital. My grandfather needed a ride home..so I
> offered...when we got there I walked in with him...one of my uncles
> was inside... After standing there for a few minutes with them...I
> began to cry quietly... I couldn't help it...I had looked over to
> the table and there were no pictures of the bastard et al....none....
> my uncle immediately knew what the problem was.. the pictures were
> in a drawer..whenever they knew I was coming...they would put them
> out...
>
> Oh Karen..my uncle explains....they are just afraid of the questions,
> etc...
>
> The questions....
>
> sigh
>
> Deer
Precious Karen...
I'm crying tears of both sadness and anger for you. It does sound so
weak for me to say that "at least they did put them out on display for
your visits", I know of some birthfamilies that sent the pix back to
the child who had returned home from being lost all those years - not
many, but a few. OTOH, there are pictures of my daughter everywhere in
this home I now share with my mom...and they've been on display -
PROUDLY - since they were first received. Of course, the problem is
reversed for us...you see, the lost child has never come to visit here.
But, we have faith that someday....
Sending you all the love I can muster, and many warm hugs,
Patty B...
Some of my Best Friends are Bastards!
PattyB
[cc to dp...@ix.netcom.com]
On Wed, 4 Sep 1996, Damsel Plum wrote:
> Message-ID: <50kjmc$4...@sjx-ixn5.ix.netcom.com>
> References: <50idib$23...@usenetz1.news.prodigy.com>
> <50k014$p...@newsbf02.news.aol.com>
<lovingly snipped Deer's note...already answered>
> >Deer
>
> My Bastard Moment came pretty early on in my life. I just remember
> standing on my block with my parents and sister (the biological child
> of my parents) and some moron saying "But she looks so *different*
> from all of you", My mother quickly explained that I took after her
> father's side, which is English. "Oh, I see.".
>
> Later on my Mom asked whether I minded her saying that. "No, of
> course not", I replied. But it did make me realize that my being
> adopted wasn't as simple as my parents had painted it.
>
> Then in third grade I naively informed some of my classmates that I
> was adopted. One said "Why, didn't your mother want you?".
> Another said "That means your mother was a hoe (whore)".
> "No, I was chosen! I'm special!". Whatever. You get the picture.
>
> Actually I w rote something about this. Maybe I'll put a link to it
> on the BN site,
>
> Damzy
> Bastard Nation
> Sub-Commandante for Public Relations
> ****************************************************
> BASTARD NATION http://www.crl.com/~omatic/bastard/
>
Precious Damzy,
If I could only take you in my arms and make all the pain go away!
For ALL of you...Damn! I feel so horribly inadequate...
Sending love and special hugs,
Lori Pringle
O Moses (CQV...@prodigy.com) wrote:
: Belden-
: The phrase Bastard Moment was born out of personal experience, mine as
: well as similar experiences of other adoptees I know.
: The Bastard Moment can come at most any time but there are some specific
: parameters which define the event. Most adoptees have been carefully
: shielded from the experience of feeling like a bastard. Only one person
: can actually bring that knowledge home for an adoptee and that person is
: their birthmother. She alone has the true power to blindside an adoptee
: with the certain knowledge of what it is to be a bastard.
My "bastard moment" as I think of it, happened with the first telephone
call to my birth father. It wasn't a humiliating or degrading moment, but
rather, a moment when I _very suddenly_ realized how I had been made to
feel all my life.
From the time I can remember, other kids, and adoptive relatives would
remind me of my adopted status. And quite often, they would insinuate that
I wasn't wanted by my birth parents, or wasn't "supposed" to be born. I
always felt out of place in the world, and felt like some kind of subhuman.
When I sopke to my birth father the first time, he told me that he and my
birth mother were HAPPY when they found out they were having a baby. He
told me that he had always loved me and wanted to keep me. It was as if I
suddenly had been given permission to exist. To live my life. To be me.
That's what I consider to be my "bastard moment". At that moment, all those
memories of how I had been treated in the past came flooding back, and I
realized that I never deserved to feel the way I had in the past. It was as
if a huge door had been opened, and behind the door was this immense light
containing an incredible mass of knowledge and understanding. It was
incredible!
You wouldn't believe the huge difference this has made in my life.
Lori
--
* Lori Pringle Bastard Nation: *
* Bastard Nation http://www.crl.com/~omatic/bastard/nation.htm *
* *
* mu...@holly.cuug.ab.ca *
ly...@axp2.umkc.edu
>> As most of you know, my birthmom was deceased when I found my way
>> home... my birthgrandparents and their other 6 children *welcomed*
>> me though... well, my grandmother put pictures of my children right
>> up on the table with all of her other grand and great grandchildren...
>> I felt very good. One day..she became very sick..I raced up to Ky to
>> see her in the hospital. My grandfather needed a ride home..so I
>> offered...when we got there I walked in with him...one of my uncles
>> was inside... After standing there for a few minutes with them...I
>> began to cry quietly... I couldn't help it...I had looked over to
>> the table and there were no pictures of the bastard et al....none....
>> my uncle immediately knew what the problem was.. the pictures were
>> in a drawer..whenever they knew I was coming...they would put them
>> out...
>>
>> Oh Karen..my uncle explains....they are just afraid of the questions,
>> etc...
>>
I kind of know how you feel, only in a different way. I have pictures of my
son displayed around my house for everyone to see and I will never take them
down. I gave my grandmother a couple of pictures of Ethan to place around her
home, too, thinking that she would like to have them. When I visited her a
couple weeks later, the pictures were nowhere to be seen. I asked her where
they were and why they weren't out. She told me because she didn't want to
have to answer any questions (there's that word again!). I told her it isn't a
secret and she said "It is to me. I live in a different world than you do!" I
told her that we both lived in the same world, but by that point my mom was
nudging me to give it a rest. Mom and I have decided to treat grandma as if
she knows no better.
It is sad knowing that the baby that I am so proud won't have a place in my
grandma's heart anytime soon. I guess I just have to give her time. I am
sorry about your situation... that kind of thinking -- not wanting to answer
the "questions" just makes me madder than hell.
Lynn
Ethan's birthmom/friend
WitchinRed
In article <50kjmc$4...@sjx-ixn5.ix.netcom.com>, dp...@ix.netcom.com
(Damsel Plum) writes:
>Then in third grade I naively informed some of my classmates that I
>was adopted. One said "Why, didn't your mother want you?".
>Another said "That means your mother was a hoe (whore)".
>"No, I was chosen! I'm special!". Whatever. You get the picture
I hear you! I made the same mistake. I stood up infront of the whole
class one day for "Show and Tell" and told them I was adopted. I got the
same round of questions from the class; "Why didn't your mother want
you?" "What's wrong with you?" Of course they didn't say she was a
whore, not IN class anyway. When I got home the phone was ringing off the
hook! All my 'friends' were calling to ask my mother if this was true.
The best line came from one of my friends who said to my mom; "What do you
mean she's adopted? She doesn't LOOK it?" To which my mom replied: "How
the hell is she supposed to LOOK?"
Beth
Bastard Nation
Damsel Plum
witch...@aol.com (WitchinRed) wrote:
>In article <50kjmc$4...@sjx-ixn5.ix.netcom.com>, dp...@ix.netcom.com
>(Damsel Plum) writes:
>>Then in third grade I naively informed some of my classmates that I
>>was adopted. One said "Why, didn't your mother want you?".
>I hear you! I made the same mistake. I stood up infront of the whole
>class one day for "Show and Tell" and told them I was adopted. I got the
>same round of questions from the class; "Why didn't your mother want
>you?" "What's wrong with you?" Of course they didn't say she was a
>whore, not IN class anyway. When I got home the phone was ringing off the
>hook! All my 'friends' were calling to ask my mother if this was true.
>The best line came from one of my friends who said to my mom; "What do you
>mean she's adopted? She doesn't LOOK it?" To which my mom replied: "How
>the hell is she supposed to LOOK?"
>Beth
>Bastard Nation
HAHAHA - good one! Like we're supposed to have the MARK OF THE
BASTARD tattooed across our foreheads or something. There's another
little graphic design project for someone - the "mark of the bastard".
What a joke,
Pam Silos
>On 4 Sep 1996, DeerWatson wrote:
>> Message-ID: <50k014$p...@newsbf02.news.aol.com>
>> References: <50idib$23...@usenetz1.news.prodigy.com>
>>
> > > In article <50idib$23...@usenetz1.news.prodigy.com>,
> > > CQV...@prodigy.com (O Moses) writes:
>
> > > Ah yes, you will know when you have your first bastard moment.
> > > And it is rarely a one time event once you have experienced it.
> > >
> > > Susan
>
>
>> AH yes...Moses...
>> a bastard moment I will never forget...
>>
>> As most of you know, my birthmom was deceased when I found my way
>> home... my birthgrandparents and their other 6 children *welcomed*
>> me though... well, my grandmother put pictures of my children right
>> up on the table with all of her other grand and great grandchildren...
>> I felt very good. One day..she became very sick..I raced up to Ky to
>> see her in the hospital. My grandfather needed a ride home..so I
>> offered...when we got there I walked in with him...one of my uncles
>> was inside... After standing there for a few minutes with them...I
>> began to cry quietly... I couldn't help it...I had looked over to
>> the table and there were no pictures of the bastard et al....none....
>> my uncle immediately knew what the problem was.. the pictures were
>> in a drawer..whenever they knew I was coming...they would put them
>> out...
>>
>> Oh Karen..my uncle explains....they are just afraid of the questions,
>> etc...
>>
>> The questions....
>>
>> sigh
Dear Karen and Moses,
Karen, I haven't introduced myself on this ng. I "know" Moses through
Prodigy. I'm a bmom who began a search for my daughter {my only child} a
few weeks before she turned 18 {more than 4 yrs ago, hard to believe}. I
found her on a Monday in Nov. 92 and she returned my call the next Mon.
{she was off at college, first semester}. We physically reunited with
each other the following Jan. {we wanted to meet immediately but I thought
and we both decided that it would be better for her if we waited until
after the holidays}. We have one of the rare {becoming less rare :) }
fairy tale reunions...
My dau's parents adopted 3 children and bore a son 16 mo's after
adopting my {their} daughter. Adoption was an open book in their home
from the time any of the children {all adults now} can remember. My dau's
parents had encouraged her to search for me, which she had begun to do 2
wks before I found her. They have been totally supportive of our reunion
since I found my daughter and we have all met one another {my/our daughter
insisted we meet immediately, which we did}.
Now, my family {birth relatives}, mother and sister, father dead, were
NOT supportive of my search. Typical intruding/disrupting remarks and
worries about the adoptive parents feelings. No concern for my feelings
of more than 18 yrs or of my daughter's. The "why can't you get on with
your life, it's over," attitude after 18 yrs of silence about my
"sin/mistake." {btw, not my point of view}
Thankfully I had a few months to read about and to meet adoptees in
person before my reunion with my daughter and BEFORE *I* {yes, I chose
when my dau would meet her grandmother and auntie-wanted to avoid the
moments that have been termed Bastard Moments} decided the time was right
for my daughter to meet her birth relatives.
I thought I prepared for just about everything/anything...I issued
"orders" to my family about many things. I offered reading material on
both bmoms and adoptees possible feelings concerning pre and post reunion.
I even gave them an "either you support us in our reunion and you welcome
your granddaughter and neice into our family OR you won't have me in your
life" type ultimatums {spelling?}. Worked quite well actually!
They did even read a bit of the material I shared with them. Okay,
everything is going fine...The time has come, yesssss, my daughter can
meet her bfamily if she's ready.
She was ready. Everything went well----until the ride home from dinner.
A Bastard Moment...I can't even imagine what it could be called for me.
I'll have to give you a little more background...My dau's bdad was/is
Puerto Rican. I am Caucasain. I did not live at home when I became
pregnant at 17. I worked at XEROX in Webster, NY on a work study program
and supported myself and sometimes my dau's bdad. I was finishing up
highschool and would graduate in June. My parents were divorced, my sister
lived outside the home. No alcohol, drug, physical or mental abuse in the
home. I was fired from Xerox {this being 1974} for being a bad image to
their company {that was a quote btw} after I began to show my pregnancy,
about 6 1/2- 7 mo's. My dau's bdad and I quarreled about his not "taking
responsibilty" in any form-finding work, finishing school, etc. I left
him and his family and moved in with a girlfriend who was married and who
had a young child {very near my mother's home}. My mother would visit me
and during one of her visits she asked me to "come home." I did...BIG
MISTAKE. My father threw a FIT. Not that I'd become pregnant, no, that
was okay...They both could live with that and they even would have helped
me for a short time until I got on my feet *IF* I hadn't made the
"mistake" of choosing a Puerto Rican boy to become pregnant by...My father
shreaked to me and my mother that I wasn't going to bring a "Spic" baby
into HIS house {he didn't even live there, but he paid alimony and child
support yet}. Okay, there's more in between but obviously his ranting and
raving and his further instruction about adoption came to pass...A side
note-My step-sister, same age as I, was allowed to keep her baby {born one
month before or after my dau, can't remember at this point, bdad blonde
and blue eyed},*all* allowed to live in my father's home before they were
allowed to marry after he had given her husband to be a job under him...A
"belated" Bastard Moment for my daughter...
Back to the ride home from the resturaunt...I don't know what the heck
we were discussing. I was driving, my mother was in the passenger seat,
my sister, nephew and my daughter were in the backseat and we were having
a "good" time...Everything was "comfortable..." Then my mother spits out
something about the "Niggers and Puerto Ri {this is where she silences
herself}.......'s." I don't know where it came from, what the hell made
her even think about those words, WHAT???? I just don't know.
Well, the four of us were MORTIFIED. {I now have a name for what my
daughter experienced, thank you-Bastard Moment} I was CRUSHED, not only
for my daughter who was my ONLY concern at that moment and who took it
quite well from what she told me later that night when we were alone, but
for myself. I "believed" for all those yrs that it was my father, not my
"mommmmmm, my MOM" who was the prejudiced asshole who took it upon himself
to help destroy a good portion of my life and to sentence my daughter to
unanswered questions/doubts about how could she give me away, did she EVER
love me, how can she survive the hurt of not knowing where I am, etc. Now
I KNEW that my mother had felt {still felt?} the same way...
I thought I'd protected my daughter from any Bastard Moment...I knew
she'd never experience ANY, NADA, through me and yet she did through my
mother, her grandmother who NOW sprouts off about, "Well she ISSSSS
MYYYYYY granddaughter..."
I've learned that as much as I want to "protect" my grown daughter from
inconsideratecies {is that a word?} as an adult from her own bfamily, I
can't and it tears me up inside. My dau is "tough" on the outside but not
so on the inside, just like me...I know my daughter was hurt by that
Bastard Moment and I wanted to shoot, I mean literally shoot my mother.
No, I didn't...
A note about pictures...As Patty mentioned, I too have pictures of my
daughter EVERYWHERE, well, not in the bathroom!!! My daughter, I don't
know if it embarrasses her or not. I don't think so because she's always
smiling when she brings her freinds and says, "Oh btw, my mother's house
is a shrine to me..." as she's turning one picture she hates around to
face the wall as she's passing by to put her bags in her room then
non-chalantly turns it back to the way I had it as she's carrying out her
bags!!!
I think it's just terrible what your grandparents did...I would have
cried right along with you...
With all my mother's troubles or maybe I should say struggles with our
reunion, she has progressed and made strides over the years...One thing
she has done is display my dau's pictures proudly.
There also has NOT been any other ethnic slurs in my daughter's
presence...
Sorry this got so long...
Pam Silos
Mother and Daughter Reunited 1-11-93
WitchinRed
In article <50t64l$c...@sjx-ixn3.ix.netcom.com>, dp...@ix.netcom.com
(Damsel Plum) writes:
>HAHAHA - good one! Like we're supposed to have the MARK OF THE
>BASTARD tattooed across our foreheads or something. There's another
>little graphic design project for someone - the "mark of the bastard".
>What a joke,
>
>Damzy
Well, since the Scarlett A is already taken, how 'bout a B? Tastefully
tattooed in crimson ink in the middle of the forehead?
Beth
Bastard Nation
Lori Pringle
Damsel Plum (dp...@ix.netcom.com) wrote:
: HAHAHA - good one! Like we're supposed to have the MARK OF THE
: BASTARD tattooed across our foreheads or something. There's another
: little graphic design project for someone - the "mark of the bastard".
: What a joke,
There's no graphic design needed for that one: Just type "Illegitimate"
in Rubber Stamp Font and put it on your forehead.
J. blake
Damn, Pam,
You keep popping up everywhere!
(still no word from curry or jean)
hugs, me
Damsel Plum
witch...@aol.com (WitchinRed) wrote:
>In article <50t64l$c...@sjx-ixn3.ix.netcom.com>, dp...@ix.netcom.com
>(Damsel Plum) writes:
>>HAHAHA - good one! Like we're supposed to have the MARK OF THE
>>BASTARD tattooed across our foreheads or something. There's another
>>little graphic design project for someone - the "mark of the bastard".
>>What a joke,
>>
>>Damzy
>Well, since the Scarlett A is already taken, how 'bout a B? Tastefully
>tattooed in crimson ink in the middle of the forehead?
>Beth
>Bastard Nation
Yeah - the Big Blue B - we're blue beause we an't get our birth
records
O Moses
Deer-
You, among the collection of replies I have read here, have truly
experienced what I call a Bastard Moment.
It is not enough to just know your tenuous roots to feel the Bastard
Moment. It must be inflicted on you. And you must be wounded to the core
of your fragile being. Only then can you begin to start from the bottom
and become a Major, Serious, Deal-With-It Bastard.
You are there.
Moses