zoke
Sandeep Hans
At PVR Cinemas....
Customer - "One veg burger please....."
Shopkeeper - "Sir, do you want me to vomit?..."
Customer - "What !! "
Shopkeeper - "Shall I vomit sir..?"
(30 seconds of looooong pause....)
Customer - "Oh ya ya please...... please warm it..."
Heights of polished English accent !!!
Boy 2: It ended in marriage.
Boy 1: Areee yaaarr...you did not even call me for wedding!
Boy 2: She did not call me either..:P
• How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it.
• Venison for dinner again? Oh, deer!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
Sandeep Hans
President Obama was sitting in his oval office in USA wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
'Hello, Mr.. Obama!' a heavily accented voice said, 'This is Gurmukh from Phagwara, District Kapurthala, Punjab .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring the war on you!'
'Well, Gurmukh,' Obama replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army'
'Right now,' said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbour Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi team from the gurudwara.. That makes eight'
Obama paused. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have
one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'ohh ho! Main kya ji..' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to ring you back!'
Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.
'Mr. Obama, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara STD booth, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh' Obama asked.
'Well, we have two combines, a donkey and Amrik's tractor.'
Obama sighed. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke.'
'Oh teri.....' said Gurmukh. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.
'Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne...... We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of shotguns, sticking on some wings and the
pind's generator. Four school pass boys from Malpur have joined us as well!'
Obama was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!'
'Tera palah hove oye....' said Gurmukh, 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.
'Kiddan, Mr.Obama!
I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' said Obama. 'Why the sudden change of heart'
'Well,' said Gurmukh, 'we've all had a long chat over a couple of lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of wars!'
NOW THAT'S CALLED PUNJABI CONFIDENCE JI
Sandeep Hans
Balayya Resume
Career Object : To make the audience run away from theaters.
Preofessio'nil' Experience:
- 30 years in Telugu Industry.
- Junior Artist - 1974 (with 1 hit, 9 flops)
- Side role- 1979(14 flops)
- Lead role- 1986- till date( 4 hits, 44 flops)
Acting Skills:
- Stop Moving Trains, Killing People with Cocks(Palnati brahmanaidu),
- Climbing Mt. Everest without any Help (Vijayendra varma),
- Shooting a bullet from mouth (Allari pidugu),
- Playing with current (Okka magadu), etc.
Achievements: World Record, Limca Record and Pepsi Record in flops
Role Model: My Self and Captain Vijayakanth,the Telugu Tiger of Tamil Nadu
Project Details:
1. Bike riding on ground to running Train and go to Pakistan from India with Parachute only.
2. Climbing any mountain with hands.
3. Pulling chair front and sending train back
- Led 12564 hens and cocks to attack the enemies and won the battle.
1. Shoot People not only in movie, but outside also
Personal Details:
Name: BalKrish N
Age : 30yrs in Industry
Weight: I Dont know Exactly(Machine Not Working......Showing Display As "Weight LIMIT OVER".)
Sex: Intrested
Hobbies: I am Not a Man to have Hobbies
Conclusion:
Balayya went to a library and asked for a book "Psycho The Rapist".
Sandeep Hans
These are the comments he got for the page that published it on facebook..
1. Don't publish this fact in newspaper. We have parents to answer
2. Itna to mere phone ka battery bhi charge nahi hota...
3. Ye ladka kalpanic hai iska vastav se koi sambandh nhi hai
4. Badhai ho....par aaj 8 saal ho gaye mere XII k results ko, aaj fir daant padi.
5. apsara pencil se likha ho tha to 0.4% bhi mil jate.........extra marks for good hand writing
6. Tu roadie nahi banega..U dont give ur 100% - Raghu
6. Mere purre graduation k 3 saal ka total bhi itna nai jitna tu ek exam mein laya hai kaminey..
7. Not a big deal...His tutor is Rajnikant
8. Congrats dude, you are the reason my parents have so many expectations.
9. Itna toh dettol, kitanu nai maarta...
10. See Sarthak, i dnt knw wat tough times u wuld hav gone thru.. lekin beta is tarah se padhaai pe gussa nahi nikalte..!!
11. Main toh agar apna paper khud check karta toh bhi itna marks nahi la paata"
Sandeep Hans
Aur ye bhi batade ki Ande Kitne hai... to 10 k 10 tere....
Aur agar ye Bhi bata de ki Ande Kiske hai... . to ande dene wali Murgi bhi teri.... .
Rahul :- Arey koi HINT TO De
Achanak yamdoot aaya or bola tumhari jaan lene aaya hu....
Aadmi bola: - lo..ab gareeb aadmi mazak bhi nahi kar sakta..
Sandeep Hans
1. Isliye bolte hain toothpaste mein namak hona chahiye.
Source: Ulu Dag soz
2. Don't know who's the pet. The leopard or the human.
Source: Local Marketing Report
3. Watch your step, bro.
Source: Meme Center
4. Because jodis are made in showrooms.
Source: Movies Album
5. While our Spider-man sings songs, their's has different priorities.
Source: Natasha Baloch
6. Too bad he was riding it without a license.
Source: Islam Sci-fi
7. Look at that ass!
Source: Funn Fun
8. Because safety first.
Source: Meme Kid
9. The pilot probably stopped by to have some chai-biscuits.
Source: Defence forum India
10. And you thought only Indians knew jugaad?
Source: Amusing Fun
11. Snooker my ass!
Source: Traef
12. Dandiya time, bitches!
Source: Meme Kid
13. Ab bus bhi kar yaar!
Source: Full Dhamaal
14. May the force be with you.
Source: Toofane Batameezi
15. That's how real men diffuse a bomb.
Source: The Wall Street Journal
16. Jagah dill mein honi chahiye.
Source: Apni Line
17. I can do that. Here, hold my beer.
Source: Arif Soomro 1975
18. Plot twist: The train had bought a ticket to ride people.
Source: Funzug
19. Now you can die in peace.
Source: Xee-facts
20. Be a reporter, they said. I'd be fun, they said.
Source: TV Streamtimes
21. Bacche paanch hi acche.
Source: Pak Passion
22. Ab ghar-ghar mein burger!
Source: Cool Graphic
23. No matter how fast the criminals, Pakistani police always nabs them. Eventually.
Source: News 5
24. Abey darr kyun raha hai? Bhai hai na.
Source: News 5
25. Featured here a Pakistani cousin of Vidya Balan, Am-balan(s).
Source: Forum
26. Because mobile phones are too Indian.
Source: Blogs
Sandeep Hans
Sandeep Hans
Sandeep Hans
Sandeep Hans
Sarthak Agarwal who? Well, the superhuman who'd scored 99.6% in CBSE class 12th boards exams last year.
Well, a new year ushered in a new topper. And the Internet went crazy again! Check out these hilarious memes trolling M. Gayatri, the CBSE topper this year. FYI, she scored 99.2%.
Haters gonna hate. But Gayatri, you made us proud! Way to go girl. Peace!
Sandeep Hans
Sandeep Hans
Sandeep Hans
.
.Bhikharin: babuji 1 rupaya de do me 3 din se bhukhi hu.
Babuji: 3 din se bhukhi h to 1 rupaye ka kya karogi.
Bhikharin: weight dekhungi, kitna kam hua!...
---------
Ek bacha apni maa se pitne ke baad....
Pappa aap kabhi pakistan gaye ho?
Nahi beta....
Kabhi Afghanistan gaye ho?
Nahi beta.....
To fir yeh aatankwadi item kahan se utha laye ho???
Sandeep Hans
Anik Mundra
Sandy Bhaiya, Amazing Jokes, Love them all :)
--
You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups "Zoke" group.
To unsubscribe from this group and stop receiving emails from it, send an email to zokelelo+u...@googlegroups.com.
To post to this group, send email to zoke...@googlegroups.com.
Visit this group at http://groups.google.com/group/zokelelo.
For more options, visit https://groups.google.com/d/optout.
Sandeep Hans
Sandeep Hans
Pre-buffet week
1. For the week before the buffet, you have to begin conditioning your tummy. What this means is that for at least one meal a day, eat till you're full (even if it's just bread) and when you think you're full, drink as much water as you can. This is to prepare your stomach to stretch like never before.
2. For the week before the buffet, do some brisk-walking or watch fitness videos. This is to prep your mind for the gorging that you are about to do. You have to make sure you don't chicken out halfway through the buffet because of calorie worries. Cheat your mind into thinking you deserve it.
Buffet Day
1. Some idiots will tell you not to eat on the buffet day itself, but not Uncle Ben. If you starve yourself, the moment you start on your buffet you'll feel sick in the gut. Snack a bit throughout the day and make sure you're properly hydrated. Stop eating around 4 hours before the buffet.
2. Right before you leave house for the buffet, drink a cup of diluted vinegar. I take apple cider vinegar.
Rock and Roll
1. Do not take any drinks. The only drinking you'll get is 1 cup at the end of the buffet.
2. If you want to have soup, take it first and finish it at the start. Then, allow 15 minutes for the soup to pass through you. Great time to play on your phone or chat with your buffet partner.
3. Scout all the food, and take a bit of everything you think is nice. Do not take too much!!! You don't know what's nice until you actually eat it.
4. After you've sampled everything, settle for 3-4 items that appeal most to you. And keep eating.
5. When you think you're full, pee. When you know you're full, take a dump.
6. Push yourself! Tough times never last but tough men/women do!
7. At the end of the day, reward yourself with a tiny drink. You fat-ass, you.
- A cat takes more interest in your code than your spouse or your boss.
- Cats don't mind watching you code for hours on end. In fact, they find it comforting and will fall asleep nearby.
- A cat will take a keen interest in the cursor moving on the screen if it catches their attention.
- Cats love keyboards.
- If you leave your coding post for a few minutes and return, your cat will be sitting on your chair and will look at you and say, "Are you really going to keep up this pitiful charade of coding, or do I have to show you how it's done?"
- Cats don't really have time for full meals. They nibble throughout the day.
- A cat's measure of success, like software, is inversely proportional to the expenditure of energy needed to get things done.
- When a cat has no more interest in what is going on at the keyboard, he walks away and finds someplace else to sleep.
- If you work all night to solve a particular coding requirement and you succeed, your cat will come running into the kitchen and celebrate with you at 4:00am with a bowl of cream
Sandeep Hans
Ashish Kumar
The Beach was too sandy ---- BTW SANDY it's not You :)
THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
--
Sandeep Hans
Shortest rejected proposal.
Boy: How many brothers do you have?
Girl: Including you, 3. :)
-----
Question: What came first... the chicken or the egg?
Answer: First came the groundnuts and the beer, then came the eggs. After that came the chicken followed by 2 more bottles of beer. And finally came the bill!!!
----
***
A white man walks into a pub in Oldham, totally shattered, screaming “All Pakistanis are sh*theads".
A man sitting in the corner shouts, “I take serious offense to that ! It's a bl**dy lie !”
The white guy asks, “Why? Are you a Pakistani?” He replies proudly, “No. I'm a sh*thead.”
***
***
In order to develop friendly relationship between the two countries, Vajpayee and Parwez Musharraf decided to visit each other`s country regularly. The first visit was by Vajpayee to Pakistan. Musharraf showed him Pakistan`s modern Tele-communication system. It was so good that Vajpayee made a call to an old friend in hell and talked to him for 5 minutes! The bill for the call came to only 5 Rupees. When Vajpayee returned, he too wanted India`s Tele-communication systems to be at their best when Musharraf visited India. Suitable arrangements were made for the same. Musharraf came to India, visited the telecom department and then spoke with an old friend in hell for 5 minutes. However, this time, the bill was 500 Rupees! Musharraf asked with a sarcastic smile, "Why are telephone calls to hell so costly in India?" A High level diplomat gave a cool reply, "From Pakistan to hell, it is a local call, Sir, while from India it is long distance!"
***
So once three scientists american, japanese, and pakistani are discussing their nation's scientific capability, and the american says,
"In our country there was this boy who lost his legs in an accident, and we put artificial ones, and today u know hes an olympic gold medalist!"
so the japnese laughs and says, "This is nothing.in our nation there was this boy who lost his hands and legs in accident and we put artifical ones, and today u know, hes karate champion!"
so the paki laughs and says, "These are nothing, in our nation there was this boy who had no brains, and so we put a coconut in his head, and today u know......hes the 'Military rule of pakistan!"
***
There's an Indian cricket fan, a Pakistani cricket fan and a beautiful woman sitting next to each other on a train.
The train goes through a tunnel and everything gets dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!! The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Indian fan are sitting there looking perplexed. The Pakistani fan is bent over holding his which is red from an apparent slap. The Pakistani fan is thinking "Oh God, that Indian must have tried to kiss this lady, she though it was me and slapped me."
The lady is thinking, " That Pakistani fan must have moved to kiss me and kissed the Indian fan instead and got slapped."
The Indian fan was thinking to himself...."If the train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Pakistani again."
***
***
Sandeep Hans
Meena had a habit of eating nails of her hand.
Her parents sent her to Ramdev Baba for treatment
Now Meena can also eat nails of her legs..
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😄😄
Sandeep Hans
Sandeep Hans
Sandeep Hans
