Re: [Zoke: 999] Zoke

[Sandeep Hans]

Biwi(Gusse Main):
Tumhare Dimagh Main To Sirf Gobar Hi Bhara Hai..!!

Husband (Pyar Se):
To Phir Itni Der Se Kha Kyon Rahi Ho….??
**************

Husband wife mein ladai hui,
Husband ghar se chala gaya,

Husb: Raat ko phone pe,”Khaney mein kya hai”
Wife: Zeher.
Husb: Main der se aonga, tum kha kar so jaana
****************
Wife:-I will die.
Husband:- I will also die.

Wife:-why will you die?
Husband:-because main itni khushi
bardasht nahin kar sakta:D
***************
Wife: Darling Tumhe Pata Hai Jannat Mein Husband Aur Wife Ko Ek Saath Nahi Rehne Dete

Husband: Isi Liye To Usey Jannat
Kehte Hain ..:
****************
Q. What’s the similarity between MOBILE and MARRIAGE?
A. In both cases you feel ‘aur thoda ruk jata to accha model milta’

******************
Difference between Husband & gadha.

Ans:Husband gadha ban sakta hai,
but
Gadha itna bhi gadha nahi k husband bane!!
************
Wife: Tum Mujh Se Kitna Pyaar Karte Ho?”
Husband: Shahjahan Jitna.”
Wife: Mere Marne Ke Baad TAJ MAHAL Banao Gay?”
Husband: Maine Toh Plot Bhi Le Liya Hai,
DELAY To Tum Kar Rahi Ho!!!”

On Wed, Nov 20, 2013 at 4:41 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

1 sabzi wale ke ghar bacha paida hua,to 1 aurat bache ko dekh ke boli:

kitna pyara bacha hai ?

sabzi wala aadat ke mutabik bola
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Aur hai bhi Bilkul taaza !!!! 

On Wed, Nov 20, 2013 at 4:41 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

2Machchr Bate Kar Rhe The

1ST-Me Doctor Bnuga
2ND- Me Engineer Bnuga

Itne Me Aunty Ne Mortin Jla Di

Machr Bole-Sali Ne Pura Career Khrab Kar Diya ... 

On Wed, Nov 20, 2013 at 4:36 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

HR : Why should we hire you?
Me : Because this company needs someone who knows why he should hire people..!

------------------------

Husband : Main tumhe shaadi ki 10th anniversary par ANDAMAN NICOBAR ISLANDS lekar jaaunga..

Wife 😎: Sach! Aur 25th par?

Husband: Lene aaunga..!!!

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On Wed, Nov 20, 2013 at 10:20 AM, Aditya Gopalan <aditya....@gmail.com> wrote:

People in Madhya Pradesh are disappointed about the World Chess Championship happening in Chennai...Why?? (English fundaes)
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Because Chess is after all an Indore game 

On 20 November 2013 09:44, Aditya Gopalan <aditya....@gmail.com> wrote:

Facebook lecture?

On 19 November 2013 19:14, Gargi Dutta <dutta...@gmail.com> wrote:

Interviewer:" Let me check ur english, tell me d opposite of good.. ?? Pappu :" Bad.. . Interviewer:" Come . Pappu :" Go.. . . Interviewer:" Ugly ?? . Pappu :" Pichhlli.. . Interviewer:" PICHLLI..?? . Pappu :" UGLY.. . . Interviewer:" Shut Up.. . Pappu :" Keep talking.. . Interviewer:" Ok, now stop all dis.. . . Pappu :" Ok, now carry on all dis.. . . Interviewer: "Abey, chup ho ja..chup ho ja..chup ho jaa.. . . Pappu :" Abey bolta ja..bolta ja..bolta ja.. . . Interviewer:" Arey, yaar.. . Pappu :" Arey dushman.. . . Interviewer:" Get Out.. . . Pappu :" Come In.. . . Interviewer:" Oh my God.. . Pappu :" Oh, my devil.. . . Interviewer:" shhhhhhh.. . . Pappu :" Hurrrrrrrrrrrrr r.. . . Interviewer:" mere bap chup hoja . Pappu :" mere bete bolta reh.. . . Interviewer:" U are rejected.. . . . Pappu :" I m selected... Oye Bolo tara ra ra ra hayo rabba :D

On Tue, Nov 19, 2013 at 9:35 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Santa 1st time plane par baitha.. 

Jaise hi plane ka agla tyre upar utha, santa pilot ko maarne laga 

aur bola: Mein pehle hi dara hua hu or tu stunt maar raha hai.

On Tue, Nov 19, 2013 at 6:04 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Santa-dhire dhire ku6 likh rha tha. .
Banta -ye dhire-2 kya likh rhe ho.
Santa-Saat saal k bete k liye lettr likh rha hu,
Wo tez-tez nhi pad skta. . .

On Tue, Nov 19, 2013 at 5:57 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

For wives of post-docs.

On Tue, Nov 19, 2013 at 5:57 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Pappu ki maa : 20 saal tak mere koi aulad nhi huyi.
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Press Reporter : phir aapne kya kiya??

Maa : phir jab main 21 ki hui to papa ne meri shadi kar di tab ja ke Pappu hua..!!

On Tue, Nov 19, 2013 at 3:54 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

A Qualified MBA student married a girl

After one year of tough life with her,

Finally he got angry & sent a note to his Father-in-
Law,

" YOUR PRODUCT IS NOT ACCORDING TO MY
REQUIREMENTS "

The smart Father-in-Law Replied

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" ONE YEAR WARRANTY HAS BEEN EXPIRED,

SO SUPPLIER IS NOT RESPONSIBLE.... 

On Tue, Nov 19, 2013 at 3:40 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

On Tue, Nov 19, 2013 at 3:22 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

load mat lo. awesome video. Anti-Load campaign.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nyV0dUPfeQ

On Tue, Nov 19, 2013 at 12:39 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

2013/11/18 Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com>

Power Of A Wife

Hubby :- Ye kyaa tum ek aur dress le aayi ? Abhi parso hee to...

Wife chilla kar boli :-
Kyaa parso ?
Bolo......
Bolo kyaa kahaa tum ne ?
Ruk kyon gaye ?
Kyaa parso,
Parso kyaa,
Bolo jaldi
Jaldi bolo naa,
Bataa-o kyaa parso ?

Hubby : Kuchh nahi, main bus yeh keh rahaa thaa ki parso bhi ek hee dress laayi thi pagli, aaj to do le aati...

2013/11/18 Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com>

2013/11/18 Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com>

2013/11/18 Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com>

अध्यापक ने परीक्षा में चार पृष्ठों का निबन्ध लिखने को दिया
विषय था- "आलस्य क्या हैं ?

एक विद्यार्थी ने तीन पृष्ठों को खाली छोड़ दिया और चौथे पर बड़े - बड़े अक्षरों में लिखा - 
"यही आलस्य है..." 

On Mon, Nov 18, 2013 at 10:51 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

On Mon, Nov 18, 2013 at 10:49 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

A boy on a Date in a BMW CAR

Boy : "Maine tumse ek baat chupai hai"

Girl: "Kya?"

Boy: "I m already married."

Girl: "Tumne to dara diya tha,
Mai samjhi BMW tumhari nhi hai"

On Sun, Nov 17, 2013 at 11:44 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

pakistan media. awesome. satire at its best.

http://www.bulbulay.org/2013/11/pakistani-cricket-team-will-never-lose.html

On Sun, Nov 17, 2013 at 4:00 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

hello, dominos..??
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yes sir
how may i help you...

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bhai pizza hut ka no. de do.... 

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[Sandeep Hans]

http://www.buzzfeed.com/sandraeallen/what-its-like-being-a-new-ta

[Sandeep Hans]

[Sandeep Hans]

Girl:" Doctor mere lips pe infection ho gaya
hai..
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Doctor:" KISS kitni baar karti ho.. ??
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Girl:" Saal mein 1 baar..
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Doctor:" Infection nahi “ZANG” lag gaya
hai.. 

[Sandeep Hans]

Hyderabadi shayari on Life of Indian students in US

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-T5WaGc8F8M&feature=share

[Sandeep Hans]

The English and we Indians always Contradict..

English: The sooner the better...
Hindi: Jaldi ka kaam shaitaan ka hota hai..

English: Think of the devil, and the devil is here...
Hindi: Badi lambi umar hai tumhari, abhi tumhe hi yaad kar rahe the..

English: Don't wait, fight for your rights...
Hindi: Sabr ka fal meetha hota hai..

English: Rain rain go away
Marathi: Yere yere pawsa..

...and the most striking of all,
English: As wise as an owl...
Hindi: Ullu ka Pattha...

[Sandeep Hans]

Santa Ne Apne Dost Banta Se Puchha.
Santa: "Arey Vo Tera Chota Bhai Aajkal Kya Kar Raha Hai?"

Banta: "Kuch Din Pehle Ek Dukan Kholi Thi, Par Ab Jail Mein Hai"

Santa Hairani Se: "Wo Kyun?"

Banta: "Yaar, Dukan Hathode Se Kholi Thi" 

[Sandeep Hans]

Ek baar Pathan k paas ek party ka invitation aya.. usme likha tha ki party me laal tie pehen kar aani hai.. 
agle din Pathan jab party me pahuncha to usne dekha ki 
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party me log laal tie ke alawa pant or shirt bhi pehen k aaye the. 

Pathan shocked.

[Sandeep Hans]

Santa 'suicide' nahi karne ka speech de
raha tha.

Santa- "Suicide nahi karna chahiye.
Suicide darpok, kaayar log karte hai...
Suicide karne se toh acha hai ki aap
zeher kha lo..." 

[Sandeep Hans]

Ladki Ne Apne Mangetar Ko Msg Kiya..
Mai Apse Shadi Nhi Kar Sakti Meri Shadi Kahi Or
Pakki Ho Gayi Hai..
Ladke Ko Bhot Sadma Laga...
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2 Min Baad Ladke Ko Fir Se Msg Aya..
Oh SORRY SORRY...Galti Se Apko Msg Kar Diya..

[Sandeep Hans]

1 Pari ne dekha ke
1 Sher Khargosh ka picha kar raha hai...
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Pari ne dono ko rok kar kaha ke agar tum
aisa na karo to main tum dono ki 3-3 khuwaishain puri karoongi
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Sher: mere alawa is jungle ke tamam Sheron ko Sherniya bana do.
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Khargosh: 1 helmet chahiye.
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Sher: baraabar waalay jungle ke tamam Shero ko Sherniya bana do..
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Khargosh: 1 bike de do.
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Sher: sari duniya ke Shero ko Sherniya bana do.
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Khargosh ne bike start ki helmet pehna aur bola:
"Iss sher ko Gay bana do" 

[Sandeep Hans]

[Sandeep Hans]

Safety Tip for Winters!!

Stand in front of mirror
with one glass of water..
&
throw water on da mirror
&
say..

"Ahaa.. Nahaa liye..!!"

[Sandeep Hans]

[DISCLAIMER: bahut sare zokes ahead. kripya sab padhein]

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WHY MEN AREN'T ALLOWED TO RUN ADVICE IN "LOVE COLUMNS" IN MAGAZINES AND NEWSPAPERS:-

Anonymous:
Hi! I'm a lady aged 26 married with one kid. Last week my husband was off duty and I had to drive alone to work. I left my husband with the maid and my baby at home. I drove for just about 2 km from home n my car engine started 2 overheat so i had to turn back and get another car. When i got home i found my husband in bed with our maid. I don't know what to do now. Please help.

Reply:
Dear Anonymous,
Overheating of engine after such short distance can be caused by problems associated with the carburettor. U need to check your oil and water level in your engine b4 u start your journey. U must also make sure your car is serviced regularly to avoid problems in future. 
Hope this helped you...!!

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बनिये का बेटा :-- पापा दो रुपये दो ना !~
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बनिया :-- नहीं दूँगा !
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बेटा :-- पापा दे दो ना, दूधवाले और माँ की एक बात बताऊँगा !
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बनिया :-- ये लो पाँच रुपये, जल्दी बता !
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बेटा :-- दूधवाला, माँ को बोल रहा था कि,
अभी तक इस महीने के पैसे
नही दिये,
कल से दूध नहीं मिलेगा !
मोरल :- बनिये की अक्ल बनिया ही निकाल सकता है !

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Army Training k doran 1 officer ne sipahi se pocha: Ye hath me kia hai?

Sipahi santa: Sir Ye bandooq hai.

Officer: Ye bandooq nhi tumhari izzat or shan hai, tumhari maa hai maa!!

Then Officer to a sipahi banta Singh: Tumhare hathme ye kya hai?

Banta: Sir, Ye santa ki maa hai or hamari aunty hai..!!
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Teacher: Urdu me translate karo,
"Dear look at that girl.. She is beautiful"
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Pappu: "jaani !!! Bacchi to dekh ...
Tabaahi hai Tabaahi" 

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Girl : "Aap mujhe aap mat bola kariye, bada odd lagta hai"

Boy : "Aap aap"...

Girl : "Phir bol diya aapne"...

Boy : "Do odds mil ke even ho jata hai"

-----------------------------------------------

Sachin says his Bharat Ratna "belongs to the entire nation"


Sachin ne bol diya toh bol diya......



I'm putting "Bharat Ratna winner" on my CV.

----------------------------------------------------

Whole Life Explained In One Song !!!

Age 1 to 15 : Naino Mein Sapna.

15 to 25 : Sapno Mein Sajna.

25 to 35 : Sajna Pe Dil Aa Gaya.

35 to 75 : Kyu Sajna Pe Dil Aa Gaya.

--------------------------------------------

Wife On Husband's Birth'day:
Kya Gift Dun.?
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HUSBAND: 
Pyar Se Dekha Karo. 
Izzat Karo. 
Tameez Se Baat Kiya Karo. 
Yehi Kaafi Hai.
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WIFE: 
Nahi. Main To Gift Hi Dungi..!

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Santa ki Gf romantic mood me santa se,
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Gf :- Make me feel like a wife,
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Santa ne apne kapde utare or

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Kaha le saali dho k aa fata fat 

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Some zokes on Rahul Gandhi:
1.One day Rahul Gandhi went out to check his mail box. There was nothing in it. His neighbour who was also out there gives him a weird look. An hour later he goes back out to his mailbox and goes back in ‘cause there was nothing in it and his neighbour goes “What the hell is he doing?” An hour later he goes back out side and looks in the mailbox and there is nothing in it. Finally the neighbour gets curious enough to ask him what he was doing. Rahul Gandhi says, “My stupid computer keeps saying you’ve got mail.”

2.Rahul Gandhi was going on a plane trip to New York. When the attendant came by and asked for his ticket, she told Rahul Gandhi,”I’m sorry. Your ticket isn’t for first class. Could you please move to your seat.” Rahul Gandhi replied,”I’m a Gandhi, I’m young, and I’m going to New York.” The attendant said,”That’s fine mister, but you’ll have to go to your seat.” Rahul Gandhi responded again, ,”I’m a Gandhi, I’m young, and I’m going to New York.” This conversation continued, always with the Rahul Gandhi ‘s same response. The attendant got so upset that she went to the captain and told him about Rahul Gandhi. The captain went and whispered something in Rahul Gandhi ‘s ear and Rahul Gandhi immeadiately got up and went to his seat in coach. The attendant asked the captain how he got the stubborn Rahul Gandhi to move. He said, “I just told him that this part of the plane wasn’t going to New York.”

3.One morning Rahul Gandhi calls his friend and says, “Would you mind coming over and helping me out with this killer jigsaw puzzle I bought — I can’t figure out how to get started.” His friend asks, “What’s the puzzle of?” “From the picture on the box, I’d guess it’s a tiger,” replied Rahul Gandhi. The friend obliges, and when he arrives Rahul Gandhi greets him at the front door and then shows him the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. Then, he turns to him and says, “I’m afraid that no matter what I do, I’m not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of the tiger on the box.” “Why not?” asks the Rahul Gandhi. “Because, you didn’t buy a jigsaw puzzle… what you have here is a box of Tiger brand Corn Flakes.”

4.While in Las Vegas, Rahul Gandhi walks up to a vending machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. Rahul Gandhi looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. He returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind Rahul Gandhi and watches his antics for a few minutes before stopping him and asking if someone else could have a go. Rahul Gandhi turns around and shouts, “Can’t you see I’m winning!”

This one is the best one:
5. Rahul Gandhi was really tired of being made fun of, so he decided to wear a mask so that he would look like Narendra Modi. When wearing the mask, he decided to take a drive in the country. After he had been driving for a while, he saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, “Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!” He got out and walked over to the farmer and said, “If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?” The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said he could have a try. Rahul Gandhi looked at the flock and guessed, “157.” The farmer was amazed – he was right! So Rahul Gandhi, (who looked like Narendra Modi), picked one out and got back into his car. Before he left, farmer walked up to him and said. “If I can guess which politician you really are, can I have my dog back?”

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15 Most Hilarious Puns According To The Internet

http://viralcircus.com/15-most-hilarious-puns-according-to-the-internet/

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[Sandeep Hans]

Santa- "Pados mein kya chal raha he?
Banta- "Birthday hai"

Santa- "Kiska?"
Banta- "Tuyu ka."

Santa ne puchha, "Tuyu?"
Banta- "Ha! Sunai to kuch aisa hi de rahahai... - Happy Birthday Tuyu! 

[Sandeep Hans]

[Sandeep Hans]

40 Maps That Will Help You Make Sense of the World

http://twistedsifter.com/2013/08/maps-that-will-help-you-make-sense-of-the-world/

[Sandeep Hans]

Teacher- "sharab" aur "aashiqui" me
kya relation h!!!
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Pappu- jab "sharab" jyada ho jati h
to ladka ulti krta h.

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Aur jb "aashiqui" jyada ho jati h to ladki ulti krti h...

[Sandeep Hans]

KG boy:- Tu mujhse shadi kalegi??
Girl:- nai
Boy:- kalle na
Girl:- nai me nahi klungi
Boy:- plz kalle teko choclairs duga
Girl:- islye to nai kalni, qki kisi ol se
dairymilk me baat ho chuki hai meli...

[Sandeep Hans]

Things are somehow different in Canada…

http://themetapicture.com/things-are-somehow-different-in-canada/

[Aditya Gopalan]

http://vivas.fi/what-is-the-difference-between-women-and-men-3/

[Sandeep Hans]

Ek Acident huaa.. Bahut Bheed jama ho gayi..

Pappu ko dekhne ka mauka nahi mil raha tha!
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Usne bahut koshish ki par kuch bhi nahi dekh paya
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Pappu dimaag laga kar bola – Ye mera BAAP hai..
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Bheed pichhe hati..
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Toh Dekha KUTTA
mara pada tha.!

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Gabbar to Thakur : ye hath muje dede thakur...
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Thakur: le le,mere b lele..Basanti k b
lele,Jai aur Viru k b lele..chahiye to
Ramu kaka k b lele aur OCTOPUS ban ja sale... .
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Gabbar: sorry yaar tu to serious ho gaya.

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Mummy- Beta parso exam hai tumhara, padhlo warna fail ho jayega.

Me- Bande hain hum uske, humpe kiska zor... 
Umeedo ka suraj, nikle chaaro aur

Mummy- Acha, Idhar aana zara.

Me- Haam mummy

*slap* *slap* *slap* 

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Exam tha sar par aur bachon ne padhna chor
diya...
Wah Wah..
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Exam tha sar par aur bachon ne
padhna chor diya...
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CID KA ACP tha toilet me..
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Aur DAYA ne darwaza tod diya..

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Injection room k bahar notice board-

Koi mar nahi jata injection lagwane se Gaalib...
Bas,
uthne-baithne k andaz badal jate hai...!! 

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A Chinese man Was In Hospital.
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Pappu Went To Meet Him...
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Chini Said : "CHING CHONG, MOU CHU CHA"
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& DIED...
..
Pappu Went China To Know The
Meaning...
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The meaning Was- "KUTTE, kamine,
OXYGEN KE PIPE SE PAIR UTHA"

[Sandeep Hans]

Propose Karne Ka Sabse Achha Tarika.

Ladki (jisse aap pyar krte ho) Ko Chhedo, 
Uska Hath Pakdo,
Agar Wo Thappad Maare To Kaho,

"Tum Pehle Imtihaan Mein Paas Ho Gayi,
Mujhe Aisi Hi Shareef Ladki Ki Talaash Thi." 

[Sandeep Hans]

NRI Desi Facts

1. If you see an NRI (Non-Resident Indian-Immigrant) Desi smiling at you at Sabzi Mandi, be sure he is either an insurance agent or selling Amway.

2. The sophisticated NRI Desi shops at Target and sneers at desis who shop at Walmart. The uber-sophisticated NRI Desi shops clearance at Macy’s and sneers at desis who shop at Target and Walmart.

3. The NRI Desi buys a ticket for a movie at AMC. Treats it as an all-day pass.

4. The moment the NRI Desi walks into a buffet restaurant, you know he has already skipped at least a meal.

5. In NRI Desi parties, guy talking passionately about immigration is still on H1B. Guy talking about mortgage refinancing has gotten his green card.

6. If you see NRI Desi buying cheap digital camera at clearance, he is going to India in a week. If he is buying 20 $ worth of chocolates, he is going tomorrow.

7. Going to Ikea Saturday evening is the NRI Desi married couple version of post-coital cigarette.

8. The NRI Desi buys store-brand shampoo and stores it in brand-name bottles when friends come to stay overnight.

9. When NRI Desi couple sneak upstairs during party, it’s to change the baby’s diapers.

10. The NRI Desi never wants ice when buying “soft drinks” at fountain. Never. Unless there are free refills.

11. An NRI Desi always plays the Dil Chahta Hai song on car stereo if he gets a convertible upgrade at Budget.

12. An NRI Desi man signs up for free salsa classes at university since the flyer says “Partners will be provided”.

13. The NRI Desi man’s two seduction techniques are—”Pick up desi girl from airport” and “Cook for desi girl”. Do both well, and even then you won’t get laid. Do one bad, you get friend-zoned. Do both bad, you become her Rakhi Bhaiyya and she expects Rakhi gifts.

14. NRI Desis always search for open wireless networks. Stealing someone’s bandwidth affirms our IT demigod status.

15. An NRI Desi is for more lenient immigration policies before he gets  his green card and stricter after.

16. An NRI Desi at Vegas play slot machines for the free drinks.  Those who consider themselves posh are at the 5$ blackjack table for ten minutes.

17. NRI Desi defines sit-down dinner as “here” while ordering at Wendy’s.

18. No self-respecting NRI Desi buys tomato ketchup at the store. He picks up hand fulls of sachets free from Taco Bell.

19. NRI Desi fresh-of-boat thinks “tall” at Starbucks is the large size.

20. An NRI Desi never considers a potluck as success unless value of food consumed >>>value of food brought.

21. An NRI desi if the restaurant offers free-salad-bar with entree  will eat full-stomach at the salad-bar and then doggie-bag (“parcel”) the entree.

22. An NRI Desi is offended by this post.

[source: 

http://greatbong.net/2013/11/24/nri-desi-facts/

]

[Sandeep Hans]

...

[Message clipped]  

[Sandeep Hans]

What are the best pictures that showcase Mumbai?

[src: http://www.quora.com/Mumbai-Maharashtra-India-2/What-are-the-best-pictures-that-showcase-Mumbai/answer/Mayukhman-Pathak?srid=iZEK&share=1 ]

171

 

Mayukhman Pathak, ReD DeviL 3:) 

Votes by Lokesh Jagasia, Abhinav Bakshi, Neena Sohal, Kaustubh Chuke, and166 more.

[Sandeep Hans]

GOLDEN WORDS:

"kal ka kaam Aaj Mat karo usko kal
tak hi rakho..
kya pata us kaam ko karne ki zarurat
hi na pade''..

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BY William kamchor & James Haramkhor..

[Sandeep Hans]

[Sandeep Hans]

What is the malayalam version of "Maine Pyar Kiya " called? 
"Menon Pyar Kiya"

--------------------------

What processor does a Mallu have in his PC? 
A Pendium 

What does a Mallu do to run for elections in Hongkong? 
Change his name from Thankachan to Than Ka Chan. 

What does a Mallu do to run for elections in England? 
Change his name from Vaideswaran to Vaides Waran. 

What will a mallu reply when asked "Are there any mosquitoes in your house? 
Plendy 

Why did the Malayalee crossed the road? 
Simbly. 

How does a malayalee spell the word' MOON'? 
Yem wo yettanudherwo yen-uh! 

Why do they require 5 people for a Malayalee funeral? 
Four to carry the coffin, one to carry the two-in-one. 

How does a Malayalee travel in Chembur? 
BY ODO 

Where did the malayalee study? 
In the more...
---------------------------------------

A "Mallu" female (from the heart of Kerala) went for a job interview for the post of a SECRETARY. When the manager saw the Mallu`s colorful attire and gold and well oiled uncombed jet black hair, his mind was screaming "Not This Woman." Nevertheless, he still had to entertain the Mallu. 
So he told her, "If You could form a sentence using the words that I give you, then may be I will give you a chance! The words are GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK." 
The enthusiastic Mallu lady thought for a while and said: 
"I hear the phone GREEN GREEN GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone, I say YELLOW..... BLUE`s that? WHITE did you say? Aiye, Wrong number... .. Don`t PURPLELY disturb people and don`t call BLACK, yokeeyy? Thank you." 
The Manager fainted.....

[Sandeep Hans]

13 Things You Learn Studying Abroad In Italy

http://www.buzzfeed.com/cvlee12/13-things-you-learn-studying-abroad-in-italy-fs6g

[Sandeep Hans]

29 Dumb Things Finance People Say

FINANCEMore: The Motley Fool Finance

29 Dumb Things Finance People Say

 

MORGAN HOUSEL, THE MOTLEY FOOL 
NOV. 22, 2013, 4:38 PM 288,480 52

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Paramount Pictures

My job requires reading a lot of financial news. It's one of my favorite parts. But it gives me a front-row seat to the downside of financial journalism: gibberish, nonsense, garbage, and drivel. And let me tell you, there's a lot of it.

Here are a few stupid things I hear a lot.

1. "They don't have any debt except for a mortgage and student loans."

OK. And I'm vegan except for bacon-wrapped steak.

2. "Earnings were positive before one-time charges."

This is Wall Street's equivalent of, "Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?"

3. "Earnings missed estimates."

No. Earnings don't miss estimates; estimates miss earnings. No one ever says "the weather missed estimates." They blame the weatherman for getting it wrong. Finance is the only industry where people blame their poor forecasting skills on reality. 

4. "Earnings met expectations, but analysts were looking for a beat."

If you're expecting earnings to beat expectations, you don't know what the word "expectations" means.

5. "It's a Ponzi scheme."

The number of things called Ponzi schemes that are actually Ponzi schemes rounds to zero. It's become a synonym for "thing I disagree with." 

6. "The [thing not going perfectly] crisis."

Boy who cried wolf, meet analyst who called crisis. 

7. "He predicted the market crash in 2008."

He also predicted a crash in 2006, 2004, 2003, 2001, 1998, 1997, 1995, 1992, 1989, 1984, 1971...

8. "More buyers than sellers."

This is the equivalent of saying someone has more mothers than fathers. There's one buyer and one seller for every trade. Every single one.

9. "Stocks suffer their biggest drop since September."

You know September was only six weeks ago, right? 

10. "We're cautiously optimistic."

You're also an oxymoron. 

11. [Guy on TV]: "It's time to [buy/sell] stocks."

Who is this advice for? A 20-year-old with 60 years of investing in front of him, or a 82-year-old widow who needs money for a nursing home? Doesn't that make a difference?

12. "We're neutral on this stock."

Stop it. You don't deserve a paycheck for that.

13. "There's minimal downside on this stock."

Some lessons have to be learned the hard way.

14. "We're trying to maximize returns and minimize risks."

Unlike everyone else, who are just dying to set their money ablaze.

15. "Shares fell after the company lowered guidance."

Guys, they just proved their guidance can be wrong. Why are you taking this new one seriously? 

16. "Our bullish case is conservative."

Then it's not a bullish case. It's a conservative case. Those words mean opposite things.

17. "We look where others don't."

This is said by so many investors that it has to be untrue most of the time. 

18. "Is [X] the next black swan?"

Nassim Taleb's blood pressure rises every time someone says this. You can't predict black swans. That's what makes them dangerous.

19. "We're waiting for more certainty."

Good call. Like in 1929, 1999 and 2007, when everyone knew exactly what the future looked like. Can't wait!

20. "The Dow is down 50 points as investors react to news of [X]."

Stop it, you're just making stuff up. "Stocks are down and no one knows why" is the only honest headline in this category. 

21. "Investment guru [insert name] says stocks are [insert forecast]."

Go to Morningstar.com. Look up that guru's track record against their benchmark. More often than not, their career performance lags an index fund. Stop calling them gurus.

22. "We're constructive on the market."

I have no idea what that means. I don't think you do, either.

23. "[Noun] [verb] bubble."

(That's a sarcastic observation from investor Eddy Elfenbein.) 

24. "Investors are fleeing the market."

Every stock is owned by someone all the time. 

25. "We expect more volatility."

There has never been a time when this was not the case. Let me guess, you also expect more winters? 

26. "This is a strong buy."

What do I do with this? Click the mouse harder when placing the order in my brokerage account?

27. "He was tired of throwing his money away renting, so he bought a house."

He knows a mortgage is renting money from a bank, right?

28. "This is a cyclical bull market in a secular bear."

Vapid nonsense.  

29. "Will Obamacare ruin the economy?"

No. And get a grip. 

Read more: http://www.fool.com/investing/general/2013/11/14/stupid-things-finance-people-say.aspx

[Sandeep Hans]

Ek SINDHI haath mein blade se cut maar raha tha....
Wife: Kya ker rahe ho...??
Sindhi : Dettol ki sheeshi phoot gayi hai, aise hi thodi waste hone denge. 
La teri bhi ungli kaat du..!!!
---------------------------------
Marwadi ke bete ka acident ho gaya.
Dr: Aapke bete ke pair katne padenge ...
Marwadi ne apna sir pakadh liya ...
Dr: Kya hua?
Marwari: Kal hi Naalayaq ko nai chappal dilai thi.....!!!
---------------------------------

Propose Karne Ka Sabse Achha Tarika.

Ladki (jisse aap pyar krte ho) Ko Chhedo, 
Uska Hath Pakdo,
Agar Wo Thappad Maare To Kaho,

"Tum Pehle Imtihaan Mein Paas Ho Gayi,
Mujhe Aisi Hi Shareef Ladki Ki Talaash Thi." 

---------------------------------

Sir - Pani mai Rahene Wale 5 Jaanwar
ke Naam
Btao?
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.
.
Kapil - mendhak
.
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Sir - 4 aur btao

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Kapil - uski Mummy , Uske papa , uski
Bahen
aur Uski Item

...

[Message clipped]  

[Rahul Garg]

The day after Sachin Tendulkar's retirement!

PM speaks to Sachin and congratulates him.

Sachin breaks another record by making the PM speak..!!

[Sandeep Hans]

Tendulkar with mucchi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C0x-TiXZad4

On Thu, Nov 14, 2013 at 10:32 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

The Pros and Cons of Dating a Programmer

http://mashable.com/2013/11/13/dating-programmer-comic

On Thu, Nov 14, 2013 at 10:25 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

A Lady visited a BAR for the First Time,
she Sat on the Table in Front of d Bartender;

A Guy at her Left Ordered, "Jack Daniels, Single"

A Guy at her Right Ordered, "Johnny Walker, Single "

D Bartender Looked at d Lady, said ,"Nd U?"

Lady Replied," Pushpa Patel, Married". 

On Thu, Nov 14, 2013 at 10:23 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Santa baar baar apne bacchon ke khushnasibi ki
Duaa Maangta tha ...
aisa vo kai saalo se kar rha tha
.
.
One day ... ek Farishta aaya uske pass or bola :-

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Bhagwaan ke liye Bhaii ... pahle tu shadi to kar

On Wed, Nov 13, 2013 at 7:55 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Tamil guy takes his girlfriend on a dinner date.

Guy: My dinner treat! Come to Babu Ganeshan.

Girl Friend: Come to what?

Guy: Babu Ganeshan, I say.

Girl Friend: I don't know this place. I'll come to your house & you take me there.

Guy: You don't know Babu Ganeshan? Wokay, I'll take you there.

Girl Friend and Guy both reach Babu Ganeshan.

Girl Friend: Damn you idiot!!! It's pronounced as "Barbeque Nation!"

On Wed, Nov 13, 2013 at 7:52 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

3 aalsi kamchor mil k khana kha rahe the,

Namak kam laga.

1 bola Jo pehle bolega wo namak layega.

Sab baithe rahe. 

Na koi bola, na khaya,

3 din aise hi guzar gye, 

teeno behosh ho gye.

Logo ne socha ye mar chuke hain.

Jab pehle wale ko jalane lage to wo bola: Oye main zinda hu.

Baki dono bole "Chal beta namak le k aa..."

On Wed, Nov 13, 2013 at 7:51 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Ek Sharabi Ke Haath JINN Lag
Gaya...
.
Jinn:" Koi 3 Wishes Maango..
.
Sharabi:" 1 Daaru Ki Bottle Jo Kabhi
Khatam Na Ho...
.
.
Jinn Ne Bottle Pesh Ki.....
. .
Sharabi Ne Bottle Milte Hi Peena
Shuru Kiya...
.
Jaise Hi Last Peg Glass Mein
Daala To
Bottle Phirse Bhar Gayi..
Sharabi
Khush,
Phir Peene Laga.. .
. .
Jinn Ne 2 Aur Wish Maangne Ko
Kaha...
.
.....
Sharabi Bahot Khush Hoke Bola:"

.
.
.
.
.

Aisi Hi 2 Bottle Aur De De..

On Wed, Nov 13, 2013 at 7:48 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

On a flight a guy asked a beautiful lady sitting next to him: "Nice perfume ... which one is it? I want to gift it to my wife".

Lady replied: "Don't give it to her,
some idiot will find an excuse to talk to her."

On Tue, Nov 12, 2013 at 9:22 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

On Mon, Nov 11, 2013 at 12:03 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

How to get nothing done

http://9gag.com/gag/ajr9wYg

On Mon, Nov 11, 2013 at 12:03 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Fitness quotes over pictures of drinking

http://imgur.com/a/i0Wt7

On Mon, Nov 11, 2013 at 9:46 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

EK Pathan ek Baniye ki shaadi mein gaya.

shaadi waale ghar k 2 Darwaze theyy,
1 pe Rishtedar,
dusre pe Dost likha tha.

Pathan, Dost wale darwaze se enter huwa.
Aage phir 2 darwaze theyy,
1 pe Ladies dosre pe Gents likha tha.

Pathan, Gents wale darwaze se enter hua.
Wahan 2 aur darwaze theyy.
1 pe Gift dene wala doosre pe Bina giftwala likha tha.

Pathan Bina giftwaale darwaze mein enter ho gaya!

Jab dekha to pathan, bahar gali me khada tha!

Aurrr wahan likha tha:
'Sharm to nhi aa rahi hogi!!!
Baniye ki shaadi aur free mein roti khayega ?

JA JA hawa khhaa..!!!

On Sun, Nov 10, 2013 at 6:05 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

29 Things The U.K. Does That The U.S. Needs To Start Doing
http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinchack/things-the-uk-does-that-the-us-needs-to-start-doing

On Sun, Nov 10, 2013 at 5:09 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Some amazing and unknown facts ❀

★ Ants never sleep!
★ When the moon is directly overhead, you will weigh slightly less.
★ Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never called his wife or mother because they were both deaf.
★ An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
★ “I Am” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
★ Babies are born without knee caps – actually, they’re made of cartilage and the bone hardens between the ages of 2 and 6 years.
★ Happy Birthday (the song) is copyrighted.
★ Butterflies taste with their feet.
★ A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
★ It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
★ Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
★ Minus 40 degrees Celsius is exactly the same as minus 40 degrees Fahrenheit.
★ No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
★ Shakespeare invented the words “assassination”and “bump.”
★ Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
★ Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
★ The names of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
★ The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter in the English language.
★ The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
★ The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
★ The word “lethologica” describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
★ Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from the blowing desert sand.
★ TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
★ You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath.
★ Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
★ The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle.

On Sun, Nov 10, 2013 at 4:56 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

1st Friend: Yaar meri biwi bohat gussa karti hai.

2nd Friend: Meri bhi pehle kiya karti thi par ab nahin karti.

1st Friend: Tumne kya ilaaj kiya?

2nd Friend: 1 din gusse mein thi to maine keh diya ki,

"Budhaape mein gussa aa hi jata hai".

Bas woh din hai aur aaj ka din hai, tez Awaaz mein bhi baat nahi karti! 

On Sun, Nov 10, 2013 at 4:56 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

RAILWAY INTERVIEW
————————

Interviewer:- agar do gaadiyan ek hi line pe aa gayi to kya karoge?

Santa:- Ji,, red light dikhaunga..

Interviewer:- Red light na ho to?

Santa:- Torch dikhaunga..

Interviewer:- Torch na ho to?

Santa:- Apni red shirt utaar kar dikhaunga.

Interviewer:- Shirt bhi red na hui to?

Santa:- Fir main apne bua ke ladke ko bulaunga.

Interviewer:- Hain..!! Wo kyun?

Santa:- Ji, usne kabhi traino ki takkar nahi dekhi..

On Sun, Nov 10, 2013 at 10:17 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Companies that control everything.

On Sun, Nov 10, 2013 at 9:45 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

3 Poultry Farms ki Inspection ho rhi thi...

Inspector to Banta : Tum Murgion ko kya dete ho ?
Banta : Bajra

Inspector : Wrong Food Arrest him

Inspector to Banta's relative : Tum kya dete ho ?
Banta's relative : Rice

Inspector : Tum Bhi galat ho Arrest him too

Inspector to Santa : Tum Murgion ko kya dete ho ?

Santa ghabra k bola : main to sab Murgion ko 5-5
rupay de deta hu jis ka jo dil kare kha le...

On Sun, Nov 10, 2013 at 9:27 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

shukriya janab :)

21 Dogs Who Don’t Realize How Big They Are

http://www.buzzfeed.com/newu1085/21-dogs-who-dont-realize-how-big-they-are-654m

On Sun, Nov 10, 2013 at 9:01 AM, Ashwini Ratnoo <ratno...@gmail.com> wrote:

:) :) GOOD ONE SANDY

On Sun, Nov 10, 2013 at 2:14 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Pakistani Cricketer’s ki marriage beauru mein bhi kohi izzat nai hai. Pakistan Media zindabad.
http://www.bulbulay.org/2013/11/pakistani-cricketers-ki-marrige-beauro.html

On Sat, Nov 9, 2013 at 5:17 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Teacher: Dhobi ka kutta na
ghar ka na ghat ka.
.
.
ab aisa 1 aur sentence banao..

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Student: Sania Mirza ka baccha na India ka na pakistan ka 


-------------------------------------------
जब से बंद हुआ है तेरे खतों का सिलसिला
मुझे हर शख्स डाकिया लगता है..

-------------------------------------------

If World War One Was A Bar Fight
http://9gag.com/gag/a9dn9R0

On Sat, Nov 9, 2013 at 1:20 PM, Gargi Dutta <dutta...@gmail.com> wrote:

 

Rotimatic - Introducing Automatic Roti Making

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EsfccHgWDb0

On Sat, Nov 9, 2013 at 1:15 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

On Sat, Nov 9, 2013 at 9:39 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Husband : Jo shakhs chori karta hai wo baad me zaroor pachtata hai.

Wife said romanticaly : Aur tumne jo shadi se pehle 

meri ninde churayi thi unke bare me kya khayaal hai ??

Husband : keh to raha hoon 

jo chori karta hai wo baad mein pachtata zaroor hai...

On Fri, Nov 8, 2013 at 4:29 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Called @ vodafone customer care

A girl picked up the phone

Girl: vodafone care mein aapka swaagat hai

Me:thank u

Girl: mai aapki kya sahaayta kar sakti hu??

Me:kya aap shaadi karna chahti hai mujhse??

Girl: jee aapne galat number laga diya hai

Me:nai nai maine sahi number lagaya hai, aap shaadi karengi?

Girl: jee mai shaadi mein interested nai hu

Me:arre madam sun toh lijiye ek baar

Girl: not interested

Me:love marriage karengi toh honeymoon mein switzerland, arrange marriage karengi toh paris

Girl: jee mai aapse shaadi karna hee nai chahti toh aap offer kyu de rahe hai??

Me:court marriage ka expense 10,000rs
Normal wedding ka expense 2,00,000rs

Girl: aapko samajh nai aata ki mujhe shaadi nai karni fir bhi aap samajte nai

Me:ab pata chala madam aapko humara dard, jabki hume nai interest hota phir bhi aap humaari naak mein ungli karne baar baar call karti rehti hai

On Fri, Nov 8, 2013 at 4:25 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

HyDeRaBaDi StYlE

MoM :- KaIkU RoRa Re. . ?

SoN :- TeAcHeR MaaRi MeRkU. . .

MoM :- KaIkU MaaRi ChUdEl Ne . . . .? ? ?

SoN :- MaI UsKo MuRgI BoLa !!!!!!

MoM :- KaIkU Re. . ? ? ?

SoN :- KaIkU BoLeTo. . , HaR ExAm MeIn AnDa DeRi MeRku.

On Fri, Nov 8, 2013 at 4:23 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

A real story.
Kulfiwala: kulfi lelo kulfi.

Baccha: Ye kulfi kitne ka hai?

Kulfiwala: 2 Rupye ka.

Baccha: Ye lo 2 Rupye.

Kulfiwala: Ye lo kulfi..

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.
.

Real story hai..!!..

[ZOKe KHATAM]

On Fri, Nov 8, 2013 at 9:49 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Pappu train me ek seat par akela
leta tha
.
Ek aadmi aaya aur bola:- bhai thoda side me ho
jaiye mujhe bhi baithna hai.
.
Pappu:- tujhe pata hai mai kaun hu..??
.
Aadmi darr k dusri jagah baithgaya
.
phir ek pahalwan aaya aur bola:- side me ho ja
chotu mujhe baithna hai .
Papu:- abe oye tujhe pata hai mai kaun hu
.
Pahalwan ne pappu ki gardan
pakad k utha liya aur bola:- haan bol tu kaun
hai.....??
.
.
.
Pappu:- ji mai " Bimaar " hu.. 2din se tezz bukhar
hai..

On Fri, Nov 8, 2013 at 9:16 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

16 Dumbest Things Vegetarians Have To Deal With

http://www.coolage.in/2013/11/06/16-dumbest-things-vegetarians-have-to-deal-with/

On Fri, Nov 8, 2013 at 8:40 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Wife: bas kro ji
Raat k 12 baje se kar rahay ho
or subh k 6 ho chuke h.
Thake nahi kya? Kitna karoge?
.
.
.
....
.
Husbnd:
karne do na darling
.
.
....

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.
.
.

.?
.
abhi to mere
.
.
.
.
... 200 msg aur free hai 

On Thu, Nov 7, 2013 at 5:30 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Husband : Honey i have a problem at the office.
Wife : Honey we're married now,
never say "i" say "we"

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.
.

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Husband : okay...
"We" are having a baby with the secretary..!

On Thu, Nov 7, 2013 at 5:30 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

2 student raat me padhte huye

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.
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.
.
.

1st: kitne baje hai yaar....??
.
.
.
.
.
2nd ne patthar uthakar samne
girls hostel
me mara,
1 ladki nikli or boli:
kamino ab to so jao raat ke 2 baj
rahe
hai..

On Thu, Nov 7, 2013 at 5:29 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

On Thu, Nov 7, 2013 at 5:28 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

One day a teacher was talking about marriage in
class...
Teacher : What kind of wife would you like
Johnny ?
Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon...
Teacher : Wow !! what a choice...
do you want her to be cool & calm like the
moon ?
Johnny : No, no...
Teacher : oh so u want her to be round and
white ?
Johny : No, no...
Teacher : Oh, so u want her to be fair and
beautiful like d moon ?
Johny : No, no...
I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the
morning..

On Thu, Nov 7, 2013 at 5:26 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Modern propose...
BF : I love you..
.
Girl : Tell me any diffrEnt style..
.
.
.
BF : TERE CHITA KO AAG LAGANE KA
MOKA MERE BETE KO DEGI KYA..!!!

On Thu, Nov 7, 2013 at 5:25 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Santa Samosy Khol Kar Ander Se Alloo Kha Raha Tha.

1 Admi Ne Pocha Pura kyun Nahi Khata

santa Bola
Baba Doctor Ne Bahir Ki cheez Khanay Se Mana Kia hai.

On Thu, Nov 7, 2013 at 5:24 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Santa English me Fail ho gaya.
Translations ki wajah se:
1. Wo meri nawasi hai.
(She is my eighty nine)
2. Mein ek Aam Aadmi hoon.
(I am a Mango man)
3. Mujhe English Aati hai.
(English comes to me)
4. Mera Taluk Haripur Hazara se hai.
(I belong to Green Pur Thousanda)
5. Mera mazaq mat udaao.
(Dont fly my joke)
6. Badalta hai rang
aasman kaise kaise.
(Change the colour sky how how)
.
.
Aur akhri translation to TABAHI tha..

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. .
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.
.

.
7. Mumbai ki Sadak par Goliyan chal
rahi hai.
(Tablets are walking on the road of
Mumbai).

(source: ek dost)

On Thu, Nov 7, 2013 at 12:26 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

33 Most powerful photos
http://www.boredpanda.com/must-see-powerful-photos/

On Thu, Nov 7, 2013 at 12:06 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

WELCOME TO SHADI.COM

Rishte ke liye "1" dabaye,

Mangni ke liye "2" dabaye,

Shadi ke liye "3" dabaye,

Or Love mariage ke liye
MUMMY Ke Pair Dabaye...

On Thu, Nov 7, 2013 at 12:03 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Science Teacher -
Agar koi ladki behosh ho jaye
toh usko Kiss karo,
turant theek ho jayegi.
.

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.
.
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.
.

Student: Magar, Sir usko behosh kaise kiya jaye..! 

On Thu, Nov 7, 2013 at 12:03 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Santa ne bank loan pe 1 car li,

Loan nahi chuka paya to
bank wale car utha kar le gaye,
.
.
Udas santa-

.
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.
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.

pehle pata hota to shadi bhi loan leke karta

On Wed, Nov 6, 2013 at 6:39 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

On Wed, Nov 6, 2013 at 6:35 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

A new vacuum salesman knocked at the door. .

A lady opened it. Before she could speak, .

the salesman rushed into the living room and emptied a bag of cow shit on the carpet. .

Salesman : Madam, if I couldn't clean this up in nxt 3 mins with my new powerful vaccum cleaner, i'll EAT all this Shit! .

Lady : Do u need Chilli Sauce with that? .

Salesman : why Madam ?

Lady : Because there's no electricty in the house...

On Wed, Nov 6, 2013 at 6:32 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Laila Ne Majnu Ko Ek Ped Ke Pichhe Dekha Aur Boli,

Laila : Tum Majnu Ho Na ??

Majnu Bola : Haan

Phir Kuch Deir Baad Usko Jhadiyo Ke Piche Dekha To Boli..

Laila : Tum Majnu Ho Na ??
Majnu Bola : Haan, Main Majnu hi Hoon
.
.
.
Phir Kuch Deir Baad Use Diwaar Ke Pichhe Dekha Aur Kaha..

Laila : Tum Majnu Ho Na ??

.
.
.

Majnu Bola : Haan-Haan, Kamini
Main Majnu Hi Hoon, 

Tu Mujhe susu Karne Degi Ya Nahi ??

On Wed, Nov 6, 2013 at 9:04 AM, Aditya Gopalan <aditya....@gmail.com> wrote:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/the-dumbest-things-that-have-ever-happened

On 5 November 2013 23:50, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

On Tue, Nov 5, 2013 at 6:09 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Boy bought gift for his girlfriend..

Gf : what the hell would i do with dis diwali rocket?

Boy : you wanted stars na  baby?

now sit on it and get lost !!!

On Tue, Nov 5, 2013 at 6:09 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Ultimate Ads (try to see all)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhoTwKQUgbQ

On Tue, Nov 5, 2013 at 11:20 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Mars mission live
http://www.firstpost.com/india/live-and-we-have-lift-off-mars-orbiter-successfully-launched-1210769.html

On Tue, Nov 5, 2013 at 10:24 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Santa court mein judge se:
.
"Aaj tak meri itni insult nahi hui,
meri nai padson ne mujhe nahate hue dekh lia he!"
.
Judge: to tum kya chahte ho?
.
Santa: Badla!!! :))

On Tue, Nov 5, 2013 at 10:19 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Doctors went out on demonstrations and this is what they were asking for. Support.

On Mon, Nov 4, 2013 at 11:44 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Son : Papa, Circus dekhne chale?
.
.
.
Papa : I'm busy.
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.
.
.
Son : Usme ek ladki bina kapdo ke Sher
pe sawari
karti hai.
..
..

..

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.
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.
.

Papa : Bahut ziddi ho, chalo bahut din
hue Sher
nahi dekha.

On Sat, Nov 2, 2013 at 10:26 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

English Shaayari 
Gaur farmaiye..

When U Breathe, U Respire.
Wah wah
When U Breathe, U Respire !
Wah wah kya baat hai

When u Don't Breathe,
U Expire. 
Subhanallah

On Sat, Nov 2, 2013 at 11:57 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Ek Kanjoos Ke Ghar Mehmaan Aaye Hue The..
.
Kanjoos: Thanda Pioge Ya Garam...!! ??
.
Mehmaan : Thanda...!!!
.
Kanjoos : Juice Ya Coldrink...!! ??
.
Mehmaan : Coldrink...!!
.
Kanjoos : Bottle Mein Pioge Ya Glass Mein...!! ??
.
Mehmaan: Glass Mein...!!!
.
Kanjoos : Simple glass Mein Ya Design Wala...!! ??
.
Mehmaan: Design Wala...!!!
.
Kanjoos: Lines Wala Ya
Flowers Wala...!! ??
.
Mehmaan: Flowers Wala...!!!
.
Kanjoos : Gulaab Wala Ya Chameli Wala...!! ??
.
Mehmaan : Chameli Wala...!!

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Kanjoos : Sorry Yaar Hamare Ghar Mein Aisa Glass Nahi Hai....

On Fri, Nov 1, 2013 at 11:29 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Elephant Jokes 

http://homepage.eircom.net/~cronews/elep/elep.html

On Fri, Nov 1, 2013 at 11:22 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

girl: i cant marry u,
meri family ne mana kar dia.

Boy-wo kaun hote hain hme rokne wale?

Girl-mera pati or 3 bacche.

On Fri, Nov 1, 2013 at 11:11 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Wife (seeing stars) - Btao wo kaun si chiz hai,
jo tum roz dekh sakte ho par tod nahi
sakte.?
.
.
.
.
Husband - Nahi mai nahi btaunga.
.
.
.
.
Wife (smiling) - Nahi batao na plz.

.
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.

Husband - Tera muh ..

On Thu, Oct 31, 2013 at 6:50 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

<

...

[Message clipped]  

[Sandeep Hans]

Patni: i love u
.
i cnt live without u!
.
mar jaungi...!
.
mit jaungi..!
.
Jehar pee jaungi
.
tere pyar me fanna ho jaungi!

.
.
.
.
.

Pati:
dekhlo.... jaise bhi tum comfortable ho.. ...lolzz

------------------------------------------------------

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. 

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. 

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese". 

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg. 

In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." 

Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." 

The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

-------------------------------------------------------

...

[Message clipped]  

[Sandeep Hans]

How To Fight A Baby - A Hilarious Tutorial

http://9gag.tv/v/1863?ref=fbp9

[Gargi Dutta]

If a Beautiful girl, goes for walk every morning...

.

.

.

She improves health of at least 10 boys.

[Gargi Dutta]

पति ने पत्नी को मेसेज भेजा-

'मेरी जिंदगी इतनी प्यारी, इतनी खूबसूरत बनाने के लिए तुम्हारा शुक्रिया। मैं आज जो भी हूं, सिर्फ तुम्हारी वजह से हूं। तुम मेरे जीवन में एक फरिश्ता बनकर आई हो और तुमने ही मुझे जीने का मकसद दिया है। लव यू डार्लिंग!' .

.
.
.
.
.
.

पत्नी ने रिप्लाई किया-

'मार लिया चौथा पैग!'

...

[Message clipped]  

[Tauseef Hussain]

--
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To unsubscribe from this group and stop receiving emails from it, send an email to zokelelo+u...@googlegroups.com.
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--

Tauseef Hussain
Bhubaneswar,India
(http://issuu.com/radiumtau/docs/tauseefhussain_cv)

[Sandeep Hans]

Rajnikant does a Jean-Claude Van Damme split.

Jean-Claude Van Damme version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7FIvfx5J10

Rajnikant's version: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_UtaD6-Ns-8

[Gargi Dutta]

EPIC*

[Sandeep Hans]

[continuing from my previous zoke]

Captain Vijayakanth’s answer to Van Damme’s Volvo ad epic split feat

http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2013/12/01/captain-vijayakanths-answer-to-van-dammes-volvo-epic-split-feat/

[Sandeep Hans]

If Siddharth Mallya married Aaliya Bhatt....
.
She would be called Aaliya Mallya
and their children would be
"DHAMALIYA"

...

[Message clipped]  

[Sandeep Hans]

GHOR KALYUG 
Madam: Aaj Tum Late kyu Aaye?
School
8 bje Shuru Hota Hai phir der kyu Ki?
.

.
. .
.
.
.
.
. .

Student : Meri jaan Itni Fikr Mat Kiya
Karo..
Sb SHAK karte Hai..

----------------------------------

Yaha Bikta Hai Sab Kuch, Zara Sambhal Kar...

Log Hawaao'n Ko Bhi Gubbaro Mein Bhar Ke Bech Dete Hai...!!

...

[Message clipped]  

[Sandeep Hans]

Bollywood films' posters copied?

http://daily.bhaskar.com/article/ENT-aamir-khan-shah-rukh-khan-kareena-kapoors-films-posters-copied-4451689-PHO.html

[Message clipped]  

[Sandeep Hans]

Salman khan quoted that he is still a virgin on Karan's talk show...... 
The Bachchans celebrated this news! 

[Aditya Gopalan]

... Mumbai-based stand-up comedian Sahil Shah tweets: ‘Salman Khan: I’m a virgin. Asaram Bapu: LOL. Me too’

[Sandeep Hans]

[Sandeep Hans]

[Gargi Dutta]

[Sandeep Hans]

Friend:" ye naya mobile kab liya.. ??
Pappu:" liya nahi girlfriend ka uthaya hai...
.
.
Friend:" kyo.. ??

.
.
.
.
.

Pappu:" wo pagal roz roz kahti thi k,
tum mera phone nahi uthate...
Bas,,,
aaj uthane ka moka mil gaya...

...

[Message clipped]  

[Sandeep Hans]

Jis tarah sabjiyon ke bhaav badh rahe hain, yahi haal raha to kuchh dino me-

*Arey sharma ji ke ladke ki shadi me kya anaap-shanap kharcha hua.. do-do sabji bani thi aur jahan tak yaad hai tamatar dono me pada tha ~A Random Uncle

*Ladka honhaar tha.. kya naukri lagi hai.. mahine ka 1 lakh rupya, ek flat, ek gaadi, aur to aur daily ka 100-100 gram pyaaj tamarar alag se ~A Head of Dept.

*Vada karo tum shadi ke baad mujhe dono time sabjiyan khilaoge ~A Girlfriend

*Main jab pahli baar Mumbai aya to sabji tak ko paise nahi the.. doodh-roti kha ke so jata tha ~A Supersrar 

...

[Message clipped]  

[Rahul Garg]

1 teacher aur student ne samundar k kinare Board dekha jispe likha tha : "DOOBTE KO BACHANE WALE KO 500 ka INAAM"

Teacher : Mai jump lagata hu tum mujhe bachana, is tarah 500 milenge, hum 80/20 kar lenge.

Student - Sir hum 50/50 kar lenge, dono ko barabar barabar.

Teacher (chilla kar) - Chup beth aur jaisa mai bolta hu waisa kar. Ye keh kar teacher ne jump laga di. Student khamoshi se dekhta raha. Ye dek kar teacher ne chilla k kaha : Mujhe Tairna nahi aata tu mujhe bachata kyu nahi?

Student : Sir aap ne board k niche nahi padha ??

Niche likha tha : "LAASH NIKAALNE WALE KO 5000 KA INAAM"

[Sandeep Hans]

29 Spelling Mistakes From India That Will Make You Laugh, Cry, And Gag

http://www.buzzfeed.com/tasneemnashrulla/29-spelling-mistakes-from-india-that-will-make-you-laugh-cry

[Sandeep Hans]

Ek ladki dupatta mooh pe lapete hue
Scooty se ja rahi thi...
Baju se ek aadmi bike se jaate hue
bola,"Jaaneman,zara mukhda to dikhati
jao"

.
.
.
.
.

Ladki:"Papa, main hoon......"Pinky".

[Sandeep Hans]

He: Teri ghadi mei kitne
baje h?

She: 11
.
.
He: Same here

She: Kehna kya chahte
ho?

.
.
.
.
.

He: We have so much in comman.
Lets marry.

[Gargi Dutta]

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/what-will-parties-say-when-delhi-assembly-election-results-are-out/

...

[Message clipped]  

[Sandeep Hans]

26 Questions People From India Are Sick Of Answering

http://www.buzzfeed.com/regajha/questions-people-from-india-are-sick-of-answering

[Sandeep Hans]

Couple in train;

Lady: My hand is paining.
Man kisses it.

Lady: My neck is paining.
He kisses that.

Old Passenger asks:Beta,piles ka bhi ilaaj karte ho kya?

[Yogesh]

Chapai is offering positions like “Senior Paper Scheduler”, “Assistant Printing Manager”, and “Chief Cartridge Inspector” to students. 

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/local-xeroxwallah-offers-packages-of-5-crore-at-iit-bombay/

Cordially,

Yogeshwaran D.,

[Sandeep Hans]

Today's PJ's

1. If you are a girl named Khushi and you cry, people won't take it seriously as that would be 'Khushi ke aansoo'.

2. If Sridevi is running a shop, I wonder whether she would say "Abhi Boney ka time hai.."

3. I love it when my Sony smartphone hangs and gives me Problems.
....
Because, 
Sony de Nakhre sohne lagde menu. 

4. Cricket team k jab sab player out ho jate h toh sab machaar bhaag jate hain 

Sochoo

KYUKI team "allout" hain naa. 

Now Don't kill me for this joke....

One day om came late to office...
All started shouting...
Omlette aaya.. 😀
100kg heroin found in an SUV in Mumbai....

further investigation reports revealed that it was Sonakshi Sinha.

[Sandeep Hans]

Santa public toilet gaya or 1ghante baad nikla.

Jamadar bola : 20 rs.

Santa-: Saale Bathroom me baithta tha CYBER CAFE me nahi..!
😀
Teacher To Santa- Isko Hindi mei translate karo, "She is kidding".
Santa hasne laga aur table par hi gir gaya aur bola:- itna aasan,
WO BACHCHE DE RAHI HAI 
😀
Doctor To Santa: Aapki Ek Kidney Fail Ho Gayi Hai..
Santa Pehle To Bohat Roya Fir Aansu Ponchte Hue
.
.
.
Kitne Number Se ?? 
😀
Santa to Banta: Yaar koi aisa valentine gift bataa jo sidha teri bhabi k dil pe lage .

Banta: Goli mar de 

Santa Sharab pite pite Rone Laga...
Banta: Kya hua Ro Q Rahe Ho?
Santa: Yaar Jis Ladki ko Bhulane k Liye Pi raha tha Uska Naam Yaad Nahi Aa Raha..

1 Girl Faansi Laga rahi thi....
Santa ne Window se Dekha...
Socho Santa kya bola hoga?

Sirf latkne se height nahi badhegi mummy ko bolo COMPLAN pilaye.
😀
Santa- pant ki silai kitni hai?
Tailor- 150 Rs.
Santa- Aur nikkar ki?
Tailor- 50 Rs.
Santa- Chal nikkar hi sila de or lambai pairon tak rakhiyo.

Santa- Yaar Banta hum dono me kya Rishta hai ?
Banta- jo Besan or Pakode ka hai
Santa- wo kaise?
Banta- Qki jab Besan SANTA hai Tabhi to Pakoda BANTA hai.
😬😬😬😬😬😬😬
Ultimate Hit!!
Santa ka interview: Batao wo kaun si Aurat hai jisko 1OO% pata hota hai ki uska Husband kaha
hai?
Santa ne apna khatarnak dimag lagaya or bola:-
"Vidhwa Aurat...."

[Sandeep Hans]

Vivek Oberoi is Heath Ledger of bollywood

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pckMJ-OXqGs

[Sandeep Hans]

Boyfriend: Suno jara.

Girlfriend: Chup raho, Khate time baat nahi karte, khaane k baad 

Girlfriend: Ab bolo

Boyfriend: Teri plate mein cockroch tha, le aur ban Heroine.

[Gargi Dutta]

Cordially,

Yogeshwaran D.,

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/what-will-parties-say-when-delhi-assembly-election-results-are-out/

EPIC*

...Husband : okay..."We" are having a baby with the secretary..!

On Thu, Nov 7, 2013 at 5:30 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote: 2 student raat me padhte huye . . . . . . 1st: kitne baje hai yaar....?? . . ...2nd ne patthar uthakar samnegirls hostelme mara,1 ladki nikli or boli:kamino ab to so jao raat ke 2 bajrahehai.. On Thu, Nov 7, 2013 at 5:29 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote: On Thu, Nov 7, 2013 at 5:28 PM, Sandeep Hans <

...

[Message clipped]  

[Sandeep Hans]

In exam hall a girl to Pappu :
Mujhe bas is answer ki starting bata do baki main likh lungi.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
..

.
.
.
.
Pappu ne dhyan se idhar-udhar dekha,
fir dhire se bola:

"The"

[Sandeep Hans]

शादी वो ज़ख्म है जिसमे चोट 
से 
पहले हल्दी लगायी जाती है...

...

[Message clipped]  

[Sandeep Hans]

[Sandeep Hans]

...

[Message clipped]  

[Sandeep Hans]

Today only election jokes
-------------------------------
Congress has won 8 seats in delhi. Now, they can fit in innova to go to assembly. They are called innova party 
------------------------------
Again its proved delhi is not safe for women..

see what happened to sheela dixit!!
------------------------------

Rahul Gandhi's latest Blunder...

He was heard saying...

It was due to Whats App... Application which inclined Voters to Vote AAP...
------------------------------
Tota udd....
Maina udd....
Chidiya udd....
Kabutar udd.....

Aur congress ...furrrrrrrrrr...😀
------------------------------
Shiela dixit messaged kejriwal in morning today- 
"karwate badalte rahe saari raat hum...AAP ki kasam...😀
------------------------------
"Hey Sheila, wanna here a joke?"

"Yes"

"Delhi"

"I didn't get it"

"Exactly" 
------------------------------
Kejriwal is now known as "Shilajeet"😀
------------------------------
Sheila Dixit singing: 

AAP jaisa koi meri zindagi mein aaye,

Toh VAAT lag jaaye
Oho VAAT lag jaaye!!" 
------------------------------
All Indians have gifted Soniya Gandhi with outstanding defeat of Congress in all the 4 states on her birthday 9th dec'2013. 😀
------------------------------
Congress ne banaya public ko 10 saal se ullu isilye iss bar une mila baba ji ka thullu 
------------------------------
Tring Tring.

Sheila: Hello? 
Rahul: What is the reason for your defeat?

Sheila: Sirji, AAP 

...

[Message clipped]  

[Sandeep Hans]

100 Awesome Things From The Indian 90′S, That’ll Make You Wanna Go Back
http://www.manikarthik.com/news/90s-india/india/

[Sandeep Hans]

Teacher to santa :- aisi kisi jagah ka naam batao jise banaya to Aadmi 
Ne hai par phir bhi wo waha ja nahi sakta ? 
Santa : “ ladies toilet” 

---------------------------

Dentist to SANTA - Apka daant
nikalna padega
.
. SANTA - Kitne paise lagenge? .
.
Dentist - 200 .
.
SANTA - ye lo 50 rupye thoda sa DHEELA kar do
nikaal me khud lunga.

---------------------------

PRINICIPAL: Apne Bachhe Ko Jara Tameez Sikhao aap!
.
PARENT: Kya Hua Sir?
.
PRINICIPAL: Application Form Ke SEX Wale Column Me Likha Hai :-"Kabhi Moka
Hi Nahi Mila"

-------------------------------

[Sandeep Hans]

[Sandeep Hans]

...

[Message clipped]  

[Sandeep Hans]

International Guidelines For Problem Solving

[Sandeep Hans]

...

[Message clipped]  

[Sandeep Hans]

[Sandeep Hans]

On a desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following group of people are shipwrecked :
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman

One month later on the same island...:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-à-trois. 

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman. 

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. 

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two American men are depressed because the American woman complains about her body, the nature of feminism, that..the water tastes bad, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least it isn't raining on the island.

The two Indian men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the Indian woman:'(:$;;)

[Ashish Kumar]

So true :) the last one.

-------------------------------

Cordially,

Yogeshwaran D.,

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/what-will-parties-say-when-delhi-assembly-election-results-are-out/

EPIC*

1st Friend: Yaar meri biwi bohat gussa karti hai. 2nd Friend: Meri bhi pehle kiya karti thi par ab nahin karti. 1st Friend: Tumne kya ilaaj kiya? 2nd Friend: 1 din gusse mein thi to maine keh diya ki,"Budhaape mein gussa aa hi jata hai".Bas woh din hai aur aaj ka din hai, tez Awaaz mein bhi baat nahi karti! 

On Sun, Nov 10, 2013 at 4:56 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote: RAILWAY INTERVIEW ———————— Interviewer:- agar do gaadiyan ek hi line pe aa gayi to kya karoge? Santa:- Ji,, red light dikhaunga..Interviewer:- Red light na ho to? Santa:- Torch dikhaunga..Interviewer:- Torch na ho to?Santa:- Apni red shirt utaar kar dikhaunga.Interviewer:- Shirt bhi red na hui to?Santa:- Fir main apne bua ke ladke ko bulaunga. Interviewer:- Hain..!! Wo kyun?Santa:- Ji, usne kabhi traino ki takkar nahi dekhi..On Sun, Nov 10, 2013 at 10:17 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote: Companies that control everything. On Sun, Nov 10, 2013 at 9:45 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote: 3 Poultry Farms ki Inspection ho rhi thi... Inspector to Banta : Tum Murgion ko kya dete ho ? Banta : Bajra

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[Message clipped]  

[Sandeep Hans]

Guy : Why are you seeking attention?? Gaon ki Gori : Main kahan seeking attention, mujhe toh pehle se aati hai..aaphi seek lo.

---

Q: Name one thing that Americans can do, Indians can do but British people can not ? Ans:Celebrate Independence Day.

---

If The Great Wall of China was in India, we would've held the record for the world's longest urinal..

---

*arguing with wife* *suddenly pigs appears from no where* She: Your relatives? ME: Yeah, in-laws i guess, i won.

---

Kasoor hamara tha..toh kasoor unka bhi tha...  

Nazar hamne milayi toh wo nazar jhuka bhi sakte the..

--

तेरा नाम था आज किसी अज़नबी की जुबान पर। 
बात तो छोटी सी थी पर दिल ने बुरा मान लिया। 

--

ज़िन्दगी भी क्या खेल खेलती है । चेहरे पर से ज़ुल्फ़े भी तब हटी जब हमारा चेहरा कफन से ढका ठा ।

--

मसला जब भी उठा नशे के तोड़ का बड़ी शिद्दत से तेरी आँखे याद आयी

--

सोचता हूँ तो छलक उठती हैं मेरी आँखें तेरे बारे में न सॊचूं तो अकेला हो जाऊँ

--

गिनती में ज़रा कमज़ोर हुं ... ज़ख्म बेहिसाब ना दिया करो ..!!

--

तुमसे आया ना गया हमसे बुलाया ना गया लोग तो बहुत आये महफ़िल में हमारी पर उनसे वो रंग जमाया ना गया

[Gargi Dutta]

-------------------------------

Cordially,

Yogeshwaran D.,

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2013/12/what-will-parties-say-when-delhi-assembly-election-results-are-out/

EPIC*

29 Things The U.K. Does That The U.S. Needs To Start Doinghttp://www.buzzfeed.com/erinchack/things-the-uk-does-that-the-us-needs-to-start-doing

On Sun, Nov 10, 2013 at 5:09 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote: Some amazing and unknown facts ❀ ★ Ants never sleep! ★ When the moon is directly overhead, you will weigh slightly less. ★ Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never called his wife or mother because they were both deaf. ★ An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.★ “I Am” is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.★ Babies are born without knee caps – actually, they’re made of cartilage and the bone hardens between the ages of 2 and 6 years. ★ Happy Birthday (the song) is copyrighted.★ Butterflies taste with their feet.★ A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.★ It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.★ Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. ★ Minus 40 degrees Celsius is exactly the same as minus 40 degrees Fahrenheit.★ No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.★ Shakespeare invented the words “assassination”and “bump.” ★ Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.★ Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.★ The names of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.★ The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter in the English language. ★ The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.★ The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.★ The word “lethologica” describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want. ★ Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from the blowing desert sand.★ TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.★ You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath. ★ Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.★ The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle. On Sun, Nov 10, 2013 at 4:56 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote: 1st Friend: Yaar meri biwi bohat gussa karti hai. 2nd Friend: Meri bhi pehle kiya karti thi par ab nahin karti. 1st Friend: Tumne kya ilaaj kiya? 2nd Friend: 1 din gusse mein thi to maine keh diya ki,"Budhaape mein gussa aa hi jata hai".Bas woh din hai aur aaj ka din hai, tez Awaaz mein bhi baat nahi karti!  On Sun, Nov 10, 2013 at 4:56 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote: RAILWAY INTERVIEW ———————— Interviewer:- agar do gaadiyan ek hi line pe aa gayi to kya karoge? Santa:- Ji,, red light dikhaunga..Interviewer:- Red light na ho to? Santa:- Torch dikhaunga..Interviewer:- Torch na ho to?Santa:- Apni red shirt utaar kar dikhaunga.Interviewer:- Shirt bhi red na hui to?Santa:- Fir main apne bua ke ladke ko bulaunga. Interviewer:- Hain..!! Wo kyun?Santa:- Ji, usne kabhi traino ki takkar nahi dekhi..On Sun, Nov 10, 2013 at 10:17 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote: Companies that control everything. On Sun, Nov 10, 2013 at 9:45 AM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote: 3 Poultry Farms ki Inspection ho rhi thi... Inspector to Banta : Tum Murgion ko kya dete ho ? Banta : Bajra

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[Message clipped]  

--
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[Sandeep Hans]

Padosi:
Yaar tere ghar se roz hansi ki awaz aati hai
Is khush haal zindagi ka raaz kya hai?

Aadmi:
Meri Biwi mujhe jooton se maarti hai, 
Lag jaay to wo hansti hai,
Na Lage to main hansta hoon.

KHUDA ka shukar hai, hansi khushi zindagi guzar rahi hai.

[Sandeep Hans]

Me .- i want 2 kiss you . .
.
.
ladki - tameez se bolo ...
.
.
.
.
Me - uparwale ki aseem kripa se . .
kudrati khubsuruti se bhari hui aye sundari kanya... 
ye saaf dil wala banda tumhare laal surkh hontho pe chumban lena chahta
hai 

----------------------------------

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[Yogesh]

A small correction : Cook's 100th test is not yet over ! 

And one additional fact : The total number of innings played by Cook & Clarke is 346 compared to 329 of Sachin ! 

Okie... Back to zokes :-) 

[Sandeep Hans]

Hope Cook gets out on duck in 2nd innings, then this stat will be correct. :-)

-------------

Wife :-Samne wale ghar me pati patni me kab se JHAGDA ho raha Hai,
Aap 1 baar jaiye na..
.

.
.

.
Husband :- mai. ek do baar gaya tha,
ye usi ka Jhagda hai 

---------

Maths teacher: If you have 12
chocolates and you give
5 to Priya,
3 to Sonia and
2 to Neha
then what will u get????
.
.
.
.
Kid: 3 New Girl friends Mam

-------------

[Pratik Vyas]

Sandeep !! Man !  What are you.. Nostradamus !?? Cook actually got out for Duck !! :D :D Golden Duck to be precise .. I dunno if there's something called a Diamond/Platinum duck? since he got out "Bowled" the first ball he faced , which was also the first ball of the innings. 

Pratik Vyas

Lady Davis Doctoral Research Fellow

Dr. Tali Haran's Lab

Department of Biology

Technion-Israel Institute of Technology

Haifa 3200003

Israel

[Sandeep Hans]

ha haa haa... i guess I should start an ashram somewhere. :P

Now back to zokes.

बडे धूमधाम से फंक्शन चल रहा था सब लोग दबा कर खा रहे थे ,,सभी ने अच्छा खासा" चंदा" मेरा मतलब "शगुन" भी दिया !! लेकिन ऐन वक्त पर" सात" फैरो से पहले लडकी बिगड गई बोली मै फेरो मै किऐ जाने वाले सभी वादे लीखित मै लूंगी और शादी के 20 दिन तक देखूंगी अगर मेरा पति हर बात ,हर कदम,मेरे कहने से चलेगा मै तभी शादी कन्टीन्यू करुंगी नही तो तलाक ,तलाक,तलाक ??? भाई अजीब शर्त देखकर पूरी पार्टी मै हलचल मच गई लोग लडकी को समझाने लगे ,माँ बाप ने भी बडी कोशिश की लेकिन लडकी टस से मस नही हूई ?? आखिर दूल्हा बिना फेरे ही लौट गया ??? बाद मै दबी जबान मै लोगो को कहते सूना की लडकी "आप" समर्थक है !!!!!!!!!!!

One More 
Imagine Kejriwal winning toss in a cricket match and is asked to bat, This is what he will say...

मैं बैटिंग के लिए तैयार हूँ लेकिन मेरी कुछ शर्ते हैं।
1-कोई तेज गेंदबाजी नही करेगा।
2-मेरा शॉट कोई नही रोकेगा।
3-कोई कैच नही पकड़ेगा।
4-कोई रन आउट नही करेगा।
5-कोई आउट की अपील नही करेगा।
6-अपने आउट होने ना होने का फैसला मैं खुद करूँगा।
कहो तो बेटिंग करूँ फिर मत बोलना कि मुझे
खेलना नही आता।

[Sandeep Hans]

Check out all the best of 2013

548,180TOTAL VIEWS

2.4XSOCIAL LIFT

STATS

The 32 Nerdiest Jokes Of 2013

1. This series of historically accurate texts.

livinginthedeadsea.tumblr.com

2. This addition to the periodic table.

tumblr.tastefullyoffensive.com

4. This joke from someone who just finished readingInferno.

Flickr: stopthegears / Creative Commons / owlschemes.tumblr.com

5. This Christmas decoration.

reddit.com

6. When this guy was caught tripping on acid.

niknak79.tumblr.com

7. This attempt at flirting.

reddit.com

8. Along with this slightly more appropriate one.

confusedkate.tumblr.com

9. This geological observation.

reddit.com

10. When this person thought about black holes a little differently.

reddit.com

11. When we learned how beer is brewed.

reddit.com

12. This astute understanding of where velociraptors come from.

blog.jonolan.net

13. This fishy wordplay.

reddit.com

14. When the programmer followed orders exactly.

shutterstock.com / Via reddit.com

15. This clever riddle.

reddit.com

16. This sugary concoction.

mimilestrange.tumblr.com

17. This spooky distribution chart.

zombikki.tumblr.com

18. When we learned where Bill came from.

calculushumor.com

19. This divisive topic of conversation.

medschoolapplicant.tumblr.com

20. This biological insult.

marksci.wordpress.com

21. This discussion of the intricacies of calculus.

jklawls.tumblr.com

22. When we learned what happened to Schrödinger’s cat.

Flickr: warcon / Creative Commons / thedeliciousrude.tumblr.com

23. And when this pie chart helped explain his theories.

sci-universe.tumblr.com

24. When Stephen Colbert couldn’t stand a grammatical mix-up.

Comedy Central / Via reddit.com

25. When T’Aaliyah displayed her knowledge of punctuation.

pukingupsparkles.tumblr.com

26. This cinematic joke.

shutterstock.com / Via reddit.com

27. This ferrous wheel.

you-are-worth-something.tumblr.com

28. When this atom’s electron was lost.

with-stars-in-hand.tumblr.com

 

29. This clever marketing strategy.

kindahardtopronounce.tumblr.com

30. Anything that Overly Suave IT Guy said.

brainiak-on-coco.tumblr.com

31. This shrewd understanding of Marxism.

littlebraavos.tumblr.com

32. And the nerdiest vandalism of the year.

youtube.com

[Sandeep Hans]

24 Hilarious Puns That Only English Nerds Will Understand

http://www.buzzfeed.com/regajha/puns-for-english-nerds?bffb

[Sandeep Hans]

Santa Apni 12 Manjil Wale Apartment Ki Balcony Mein Khada Neeche Dekh Raha Hota Hai.
..
Achanak Ek Aadmi Use Haath Hila Ke Neeche Aane Ka Ishara Karta Hai.
..
Santa Ko Samajh Na Aya Fir Usne Socha Ki Koi Jaan Pahchan Wala Hoga.
..
Lift Se Neeche Pahuncha Aur Aadmi Ko Jaakar Bola
Santa: “Haan Bhai Bolo, Kya Baat Hai?”
..
Aadmi Ek Bikhari Tha, Rote Hue Bola:
“Bhagwan Ke Naam Pe Kuch De Do Baba”
..
Ye Sun Santa Ko Mirchi Lag Jaati Hai.
Wo Us Bikhari Ko Bola: “Mere Saath Upar Aa Jao.”
..
Santa Jaanbhooj Ke Usko Lift Ki Bajaye Seediyon Se Use Upar Le Jata Hai.
Ghar Pahunch Ke Santa Pyar Se Bola :

Santa: “Baba Maaf Karo Chutta (Change) Nahi Hai Kal Aana“ 

[Sandeep Hans]

क्रिश-3 के स्टंट में ऋतिक के सर में चोट आयी थी।

अब "सूजन" चली गयी !

...

[Message clipped]  

[Sandeep Hans]

31 Worst Puns Ever But You Can't Stop Laughing!

http://distractify.com/fun/humor/horrifyingly-cringeworthy-puns/

...

[Message clipped]  

[Sandeep Hans]

A nice read if you have followed Indian politics in last few months.

http://tanayrajpurohit.wordpress.com/2013/12/10/the-grand-alleged-conspiracy/

[Sandeep Hans]

A kenyan doing Ghulam Ali. wonderful.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tda5G3wgmH4

...

[Message clipped]  

[Vijen]

An engineer went to police station for
filing report for his missing wife:

Engineer : I lost my wife ,she went shopping and hasn't reached home yet

Inspector: What is her height

Engineer: I never noticed

Inspector: Slim or healthy

Engineer: Not slim can be healthy

Inspector: Colour of eyes

Engineer: Never noticed

Inspector: Colour of hair

Engineer: Changes according to
season

Inspector: What was she wearing

Engineer: Saree/suit/ I don’t
remember exactly

Inspector: Was she going in a car ?????????

Engineer: yes

Inspector : tell me the number ,name and color of the car

Engineer: black audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 liter V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-
speed tiptronic automatic
transmission with manual mode.
And it has full LED
headlights, which use light
emitting diodes for all light
functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door
…. And
theN the engineer started crying…..

Inspector: Don't worry sir, hum gaadi dhoond lenge 😥😥😥😥

[Vijen]

Good morning. ....
For shanu.. special msg
VARIETY OF MEN......

1. THE EUROPEANS
they have 1 wife and 1 girlfrnd but they love their wife most .

2 THE AMERICANS
They have 1 wife and 1 girlfrnd but they love their girlfrnd the most..

3. THE INDIANS
They have 1 wife and 4 girlfrnds but they love their mother the most..
😜😜😜
Jai mata di....


And the best one. --
4. THE ARABS
They have 4 wives and 1 girlfrnd. But they love their camel the most.

Sent from my iPhone

[Sandeep Hans]

"Dhoom 3" tickets are priced ₹ 900/- at Imax theatres.
Price breakup:
₹ 400 Aamir
+ ₹ 300 Katrina
+ ₹ 150 Aamir's Bike
+ ₹ 30 Aamir's Hat
+ ₹ 13 Music
+ ₹ 5 Abhishek
+ ₹ 2 Uday Chopra

------------------

10 Indian cult movies you cannot possibly miss

http://www.storypick.com/10-indian-cult-movies-you-cannot-possibly-miss/

[Jai Prakash]

[Sandeep Hans]

Santa Bus Me Ja Raha Tha,
Samne Baithi Ek Aurat Apni Beti Ko, Bar Bar Bol Rahi Thi,

"Jaldi Se Ye Halwa Khalo, Warna Mai wo Uncle Ko Dedun"

Kuch der baad Santa Ghusse Se Bola: Behenji Aap Jaldi Faisla Karo,

Halwe Ke Chakkar Me 4 Stop Age Aa Gaya Hoon.

[Sandeep Hans]

DHOOM1 John Bipasa split

DHOOM2 Hrithik suzzane split 

Now
DHOOM3 Aamir kiran ??? 
‪#‎JustSaying‬