Re: [Zoke: 2226] Re: zoke

[Yogesh]

Wife wakes up her husband in the middle of the night and asked....

Tell me in 2003 world cup how many runs did Sachin make against Pakistan?

Husband: 98 runs, why are you asking this now?

Wife: Yesterday was my birthday.

***PIN DROP SILENCE ***

On 14 May 2015 at 16:05, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Narendra Modi in China. Twitter on high.

http://scroll.in/article/727419/modi-in-china-twitter-funny-pictures-visit

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[Sandeep Hans]

An Year without Toilet? (Hilarious).                   

In the days when you couldn't

count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a

trip to India She was registered to stay in a small guest house ownedby the local Schoolmaster.She was concerned as to whether the guest

house contained a WC..In England , a bathroom is commonly called a WC

which stands for 'Water Closet'.

She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC.

The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he

knew the meaning of WC.. Together they pondered possible meanings of

the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a

 'Wayside Church' near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds.

So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

               I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is

located 9 miles from the house.

It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by

lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on

Sundays and Thursdays.

As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you

arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room.

This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of

going regularly.It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was

married in the WC, as it was there, that she met her husband. It was a

wonderful event.There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful

to see the expressions on their faces. We can take photos in different

angle.

My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been

almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.You will be

pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and

make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and

arrive just in time. I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a

Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are

excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.

The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person

enters.We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all, since

many feel it is long needed.

I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a

place where you can be seen by all.

With deepest regards,

The Schoolmaster

 The Woman fainted reading the reply....... and she never visited

India !!!

[Sandeep Hans]

मुझे भी आज

हिंदी बोलने का शौक हुआ,

घर से निकला और

एक ऑटो वाले से पूछा,

"त्री चक्रीय चालक

पूरे सुभाष नगर के परिभ्रमण में

कितनी मुद्रायें व्यय होंगी ?"

ऑटो वाले ने कहा,😇

"अबे हिंदी में बोल रे.."

मैंने कहा,

"श्रीमान

मै हिंदी में ही

वार्तालाप कर रहा हूँ।"

ऑटो वाले ने कहा,

"मोदी जी

पागल करके ही मानेंगे ।

चलो बैठो

कहाँ चलोगे ?"

मैंने कहा,

"परिसदन चलो"

ऑटो वाला फिर

चकराया !😇

"अब ये

परिसदन क्या है ?

बगल

वाले श्रीमान ने कहा,

"अरे

सर्किट हाउस जाएगा"

ऑटो वाले ने

सर खुजाया बोला,

"बैठिये प्रभु"

रास्ते में मैंने पूछा,

"इस नगर में

कितने छवि गृह हैं ??" 

ऑटो वाले ने कहा,

"छवि गृह मतलब ??"

मैंने कहा,

"चलचित्र मंदिर"

उसने कहा,

"यहाँ बहुत मंदिर हैं ...

राम मंदिर,

हनुमान मंदिर,

जगन्नाथ मंदिर,

शिव मंदिर"

मैंने कहा,

"भाई

में तो चलचित्र मंदिर की

बात कर रहा हूँ

जिसमें

नायक तथा नायिका

प्रेमालाप करते हैं ..."

ऑटो वाला

फिर चकराया,

"ये चलचित्र मंदिर

क्या होता है ??"

यही सोचते सोचते

उसने सामने वाली गाडी में

टक्कर मार दी

ऑटो का

अगला चक्का

टेढ़ा हो गया और हवा निकल गई।

मैंने कहा,

"त्री चक्रीय चालक

तुम्हारा अग्र चक्र तो

वक्र हो गया ..."

ऑटो वाले ने

मुझे घूर कर देखा

और कहा,

"उतर जल्दी उतर !

आगे पंचर की दुकान थी

हम ने दुकान वाले से कहा....

हे त्रिचक्र वाहिनी सुधारक महोदय

कृप्या अपने वायु ठूंसक यंत्र से मेरे त्रिचक्र वाहिनी के द्वितीय चक्र में वायु ठूंस दीजिये धन्यबाद

दूकानदार बोला कमीने सुबह से बोनी नहीं हुई और तू शलोक सुना रहा है।😬😬😬😬😬

[Sandeep Hans]

[Sandeep Hans]

8-9लोग जुआ खेल रहे थे...तभी पुलिस आ गई....

एक जुआरी दौड़कर, पुलिस की गाड़ी मे बैठ गया.

पुलिस-तू अपने आप ही कयूं बैठ गया। 

जुआरी- पिछली बार भी मै पकड़ा गया तो सीट नही मिली थी 

खड़ा होकर जाना पड़ा था।😝😛😂😂😂😝

---------------------

संता को मुगलों ने पकड़ लिया

और उसे अकबर के पास ले गए..

अकबर : इसको

बंदी बना दिया जाए..

संता : नहीं नहीं जहाँपनाह !

रहम !!!  मुझे बंदा ही रहने दो..

----------------------

ऐक डाक्टर ने खुद के बारे मे कहा...

"हमारी शख्शियत का अंदाज़ा तुम क्या लगाओगे ग़ालिब"

"जब गुज़रते है क़ब्रिस्तान से 

तो मुर्दे भी उठ के पूछ लेते हैं...

कि डाक्टर साहब !!

अब तो बता दो मुझे तकलीफ क्या थी"...!!

😳  😁  😜  😂  😃⁠⁠⁠⁠

[Sandeep Hans]

[Sandeep Hans]

How can I explain the powers of the Prime Minister vs. the President of India to a 10-year-old?

President is Papa

• Official head of the Family
• No internal powers but all internal actions are taken in the name of Papa
• He is to maintain Foreign Affairs
• Papa can only act on aid and advise of mummy
• Mostly act as a Stamp
• Have discretionary powers as he can hold decision or delay any particular topic.
• All the children file mercy petitions to PAPA

Mummy is Prime Minister

• Actual head of the family.
• All finance related matters are approved by mummy.
• All the family related matters are planned and approved by Mummy.

[Sandeep Hans]

अगर मुन्नी को पाकिस्तान छोड़ने सलमान की बजाए ये लोग जाते तो

===========================================

• अगर केजरीवाल जाते तो अपने साथ 12 और लोगो को ले जाते, 8 कैमरामैन और 4 रिपोर्टर...और जब फ़ौज उन्हें रोकती तो वो वही बॉर्डर पर धरना देने बैठ जाते।

• अगर मोदी जी जाते तो वो मुन्नी को अफगानिस्तान,ईरान व चीन घुमाते हुए पाकिस्तान पहुंचाते और मुन्नी वहाँ पहुँचते ही अपनी माँ से कहती - मितरों ! मैं आ गयी ।

• अगर राहुल गाँधी जाते तो मुन्नी कहती - मेरी ऊँगली पकड़ कर चलो, वरना खो जाओगे।

• अगर रोबर्ट वाड्रा जाते तो पाकिस्तान फिर से भारत का हिस्सा बन जाता।

• मुन्नी को पाकिस्तान छोड़ने अगर आलोकनाथ जाते तो मुन्नी का कन्यादान करके ही लौटते।

• अगर कुमार विश्वास जाते तो वो उन्हें वापस छोड़ने के लिए एम्बुलेंस को आना पड़ता।

• अगर अल्ताफ राजा जाते तो बाद में अगले दिन पूरा पाकिस्तान उन्हें वापस भारत छोड़ने आता।

• अगर अर्नब गोस्वामी जाते तो आधे पाकिस्तानी बहरे व आधे पाकिस्तानी पागल हो जाते।

• अगर आशुतोष जाते तो उन्हें भारतीय दूतावास की बजाए वेस्ट-इंडीज दूतावास में ठहराया जाता

• अगर एन.डी.तिवारी जाते तो वहाँ भी 2-4 घर बसा के आ जाते।

और

• अगर हमारे एडमिन जाते तो मुन्नी को छोड़ आते और बदले में मरियम या हीना रब्बानी खार को ले आते...☺

[Sandeep Hans]

If Indian States Were People In A Bar, This Is How They’d Behave

http://www.scoopwhoop.com/humor/india-is-a-bar/?ref=social&type=fb&b=0

[Sandeep Hans]

[Sandeep Hans]

आज राहुल गांधी किसानों से 4 घंटे मिले..

3 घंटे तो किसान 

उन्हें यह समझाते रहे

कि

गेहूँ का कोई पेड़ नहीं होता।

😂😂

सोनिया बेहोश होते होते बची

जब राहुल ने पुछा-

मॉम ये किसान खेती क्यों करते है..?

अनाज दुकान से क्यों नहीं खरीद लेते..!!

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

राहुल गांधी को 2 घंटे सुनने के बाद सब किसानों ने 100-100 रूपये इकट्ठे किये और सोनिया गांधी को देते हुए बोले कि...

मैडम मुआवजा तो आपको भी मिलना चाहिये क्योंकि "फसल" तो आपकी भी खराब हुई है..

🚬🍻🔫😎

राहुल किसान से

राहुल: आप के पास कितनी जमीन है

किसान: हजूर 15 बीघा।

राहुल: वो कितनी होती है? 

किसान बहुत सोचने के बाद : आप के जीजा

जी की जमीन के छोटे कोने

जितनी।

राहुल: ओह्ह!!! तो आप क्या उगाते हैं?

किसान : कपास।

राहुल: वो क्या होता है?

किसान: जी जिससे आप का कुर्ता बनता है।

राहुल: तो आप कुर्ते की खेती करते

है....और क्या है आप के पास?

किसान: जी दो बैल हैं?

राहुल:गुड......कितना दूध देते हैं?

किसान: आत्महत्या करवा कर ही मानेगा क्या??

---

Management based lessons from Sholay.

[Sandeep Hans]

एक पिंजरे मे कुछ तोते  एक तोती  को छेड रहे थे...

जबकी दुसरे पिंजरे मे एक तोता  पूजा  कर रहा था और दूसरा तोता 🐤 नमाज  पढ रहाथा.....

मालिक ने सोचा "कितने नेक तोते  है, इनके पिंजरे मे तोती  सुरक्षित रहेगी....."

उसने तोती  को नेक तोतोंके पिंजरे मे डाल दीया.

जब तोती  उस पिंजरे मे आ गई, तब पुजा  करने वाला तोता 🐤 नमाज  पढने वाले तोते से बोला...

"उठो.. खान साहब..

दुआ कूबुल हो गई...

आइटम आ गई....."!! 

---------------------------

मनमोहन सिंग सब्जी खरीदने गए। 

मनमोहन सिंह: भिन्डि क्या भाव है? 

सब्जीवाला : अब रुलाएगा क्या पगले? मुफ्त में ले जा, पहली बार आवाज सुनी है तेरी।😂😂😂😂😂😭😭😭😜😜

It’s ultimate 😎😎😎

नरेंद्र मोदी सब्ज़ी खरीदने गए। 

नरेंद्र मोदी: भिन्डि क्या भाव है? 

सब्जीवाला : अब रुलाएगा क्या पगले? मुफ्त में ले जा, इलेक्शन क बाद पहली बार इंडिया में दिखा 😂😂😂😂😂😭😭😭😜😜

राहुल गांधी सब्जी खरीदने गए|

राहुल गांधी : भिन्डी क्या भाव है?

सब्जी वाला : अब रूलाएगा क्या पगले? मुफ्त मे ले जा| ये भिन्डी नही मटर है

😂😂😂😭😭😭😝😝😝

Question- सब्जी वाला कौन था??

.

.

.

अब रूलाओगे क्या यह पूछ के…

..

इतना सब मुफ्त में केजरीवाल के इलावा और कौन दे सकता है

----

[Sandeep Hans]

बङा वो नहीँ जो पैसे वाला है या

उँचा रसूखदार है

.

बल्कि बङा तो वो है जो

सांभर के साथ खाया जाता है ।

.

.

- चाणक्य के चाचा का लड़का

---------

जाट लड़की वालों के यहाँ रिश्ता ले कर पहुँचा।

माँ-बाप बोले- हमारी बेटी अभी पढ़ रही है। 😒

जाट बोला- कोई बात नहीं जी,... हम एक-दो घंटे बाद आ जायेंगे। 

--------

एक दिन जाट के घर चोर आ गया।

 उसने ने देख लिया तो चोर भागा। 

जाट भी चोर के पीछे भागा।

भागते-भागते चोर से आगे निकल गया और बोला- 'एक तो चोरी,.. ऊपर से हमसे रेस! 

---------

जाट (Police station जा कर बोला):- मुझे फोन पर धमकी मिल रही है।

Inspector: कौन दे रहा है?

जाट:- BSNL वाले। कहते हैं,.. bill नहीं भरा तो काट देंगे।

----------

जाट का सर फट गया।

Dr.:- ये कैसे हुआ?

जाट :- मैं ईंट से पत्थर तोड़ रहा था।

एक आदमी ने मुझसे कहा, "कभी खोपड़ी का इस्तेमाल भी कर लिया कर।" 😇

--------

Wife - Where R U ?

Husband - I'm At the "Bank"

.

Wife  - Wow...that's good !! I need 20,000, for a new  Cell Phone, 5,000  for a new dress, 6000 for new shoes, 4000 for a new purse, 8000 for my new cosmetics !!

Husband  - Sorry , I mean, 

I am at the Blood bank...

"KHOON PIYEGI KHOON ?"

--------

agjit Singh singing - Yeh daulat b lelo, yeh shohrat bhi lelo.....Suddenly Santa stands up & says- Main toh bahut pareshan hun, meri toh aurat b lelo....;)

[Sandeep Hans]

अर्नब "दाऊद कहाँ है" दाऊद की पत्नी "वो सो रहे हैं" अर्नब "कब उठेंगे?" दाऊद की पत्नी "उठ जायेंगे तो आपको भी उठा देंगे" अर्नब " रांग नम्बर"

---------

Aamir Khan crying:

Aamir ek baar bachchpan mein ek shaher mein roye the aaj uska naam cherrapunji hai.

---------

Aamir Khan's Whatsapp shows "Last Cried at..." !!

---------

Salman Khan: Bhai meri nayi movie ka trailer dekha? Aamir Khan: *Cries* Sohail Khan: Bhai ro raha hai matlab trailer dekh liya hai

---------

*SRK, Salman Aamir in Pub* SRK ~ Ek Peg Soda ke Sath !! Salman ~ Ek Peg Pani ke Sath !! Aamir ~ Ek Peg Aansuo ke Sath !!

----------

God Created Aamir Khan after creating Navjot Singh Sidhu to restore the Balance of the Universe !!

----------

Which is Aamir Khan's Favourite Show ?? Ans ~ Cry-me Patrol !!

---------

Normal People ~ Try and Try Until You Succeed !! Aamir Khan ~ Cry and Cry Until You Succeed !!

--------

*Aamir Khan visits Cricket Match* *Rain Stops Play*

--------

Aamir Khan's Whatsapp Emojis !!

[Sandeep Hans]

Q1. RAM SITA HAI ... TO RAM KAUN HAI ?? ... 

Ans - . TAILOR ( darzi )

😁😛😁😛😁😛😁

_______________________

Q2. SITA RAM HAI TO SITA KAUN HAI

Ans - . Sita MEMORY hai (RAM: Random Access Memory)

😁😛😁😛😁😛😁

_____________________________

Q3. Dhoni ask's Ashwin to bring a pepsi....Ashwin brings a bottle of pepsi but goes directly to Dhawan.? why ?? 

why ?? 

😉😉

Ans:- Dhawan is an opener

😁😠😁😠😁😠😁

_____________________________

Q4. The Madrasi said, I want to see the movie 'heart is umbrella'...

 Which movie did he really want to see..?

Ans:- Dil Chhata Hai...!

😁😈😁😈😁😈😁

_____________________________

Q5. Woh kya hai jo Dil main hain, Mann main hai par Dhadkan main nahi?

Ans:- aarey Aamir Khan !!!!!!!

😁😆😁😆😁😆😁

_____________________________

Q6. What will! u call a person who is leaving India ?? Socho...............

Ans:- Hindustan Lever (Leaver).

😁😉😁😉😁😉😁

_____________________________

Q7. Kalidas ka ek bhai joote banata tha us ka naam kya tha?

Ans:- adidas👟

😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁

_____________________________

Q8. Luv and Kush are going to a village & in between comes a well. Luv falls into the well. Why ?

Ans:- Because Luv is blind!!!!!😎

😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆

_____________________________

Now Kush also jumps inside. Why? OK lot's of head scratching done.

Ans:- Luv ke liye saala kuch bhi karega!!!!

😋😋😋😋😋😋

_____________________________

Q9. Jackie Chan ki saas ka naam kya hai?.. nahi pata..??

Ans:- D'Cold

(Chain ki saans - D'cold )

😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁

_____________________________

Q10. chalo ab batao... Jackie Chan ki bahu ka naam kya hai ? this is quite simple..

Ans:- D'Cold again...

Kyunki saans bhi kabhi bahu thi...

😋😋😋😋😋😋😋😋

_____________________________

!!!!!. This Joke will destroy your power of thinking

Q11.. What do you call a Cow Dancing? . . . . . . . . . . . .

Ans:  "Guidance.."!

😁😄😁😄😁

_____________________________

Geography Teacher: agar koi chota planet

prithvi se takraye toh kya hoga?

Student: to "Tadang" jaisa aavaj aayega.

Sir gusse se: Kyu ??

Student: "Ye Duniya ,,,,Ye Duniya Pittal di.

_____________________________

dont kill me aftr dis...😅

Girl at a stationary store.

Girl: I want a calculator.

Shopkeeper: Casio?

Girl: Main thik hu aap kaise ho??😂😂😂😂

_____________________________

Ek jungle me sab jaanwar ga rahe the, PAAN PARAAG PAAN MASALA- PAAN

PARAG!

Par Giraffe nahi ga raha tha!

KYUN?

Kyuki,

UNCHE LOG! UNCHI PASAND

MANIKCHAND

_____________________________

If u touch 2015 calender u will get a Shock

do u know y?

Bcoz

2015 is "CURRENT" year..

_________________________😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄😄

Hum Roz Zoke Q Bhejte Hai?

Masti? NO

Timepass? NO

Hum Zoke Bhejte Hai

Taki Apki Reading Capacity Strong Ho.

Padhega INDIA,

Tabhi To Badhega INDIA...😜

costly  rakhi

[Sandeep Hans]

[Sandeep Hans]

Some One Liners to make you Smile...!!!

Q: What do you call two fat people having a chat? A: A heavy discussion.

Q: Why did the tomato turn red? A: It saw the salad dressing!

Q: What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? A: Transparents.

Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes.

Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!

Q: What did the triangle say to the circle? A: You’re pointless!

Q: What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? A: Trouble.

Q: Why don't you see giraffes in elementary school? A: Because they're all in High School!

Q: What kind of shorts do clouds wear? A: Thunderwear.

Q: Who cleans the bottom of the ocean? A: A Mer-Maid.

Q: What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? A: Urgent Tina.

Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter? A: I better not tell you, it might spread.

Q: Why was the math book sad? A: Because it had too many problems.

Q: Why can't a leopard hide? A: Because he's always spotted!

Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? A: Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

Q: Why did the barber win the race? A: Because he took a short cut.

Q: Where do boats go when they get sick? A: The dock.

Q: Can February March? A: No. But April May.

Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist? A: To get a root canal.

Q: What do you call a person that chops up cereal. A: A cereal killer.

Q: What kind of emotions do noses feel? A: Nostralgia.

Q: Music Teacher: What's your favourite musical instrument? A: A Fat Kid: The lunch bell.

Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? A: Because then it would be a foot!

Q: What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A: A Barbercue.

[Sandeep Hans]

टीचर  : बताओ सतयुग और कलयुग में क्या अंतर है!

स्टूडेंट :  सतयुग में इंद्र के पास १०-१२ इन्द्राणी होती थी!!

कलयुग में इन्द्राणी के पास १०-१२ इंद्र होते है !!

 देश में 1000 लड़कों पर 940 लड़कियां है...ये जो 60 लड़के बच जायँगे  

.

यही आगे चल के मोदी, वाजपेयी, कलाम या रतन टाटा बन के देश का नाम रोशन करेंगे..!!😜😜😜

bass 2-4 Indraaniya agar paida ho gayi toh ye 60 bhi settle ho jayenge

------

भारत में दो मुखर्जी बहुत प्रसिद्ध हैं...

एक प्रणव मुखर्जी, जो कि भारत के राष्ट्रपति हैं...

दूसरी इन्द्राणी मुखर्जी जिनके राष्ट्र भर में पति हैं...

------

Santa was playing a cricket match. When his individual score reached 35, he took his helmet off, pointed his bat at the stadium and looked at the sky.

His partner was surprised, " You have not reached a 50 or a 100, the team hasn't crossed a milestone, so why are you so excited at reaching 35?"

Santa, "Only someone who gave board exams in India knows the importance of 35"😜😂!!

-----

John: What are you doing bro??

Tony: Just finished Dinner with wife... and now with Scotch...

John : wow which brand... Black Label or Red Label???

Tony :No no now with "Scotch Brite"  scrubbing the vessels .

------

महिलाओं के लिए अलर्ट न्युज📢

ज्यादा श्रुंगार 

ज्यादा नाच-गाना 

और

ज्यादा आभूषणों की चाहत आपको 

"राधे माँ" बना सकती है...

-----

पति ने फेसबुक स्टेटस अपडेट किया -

 15 Aug के शुभ अवसर पर,पतंग पर 

अपनी पत्नी का फ़ोटो चिपकाएं और 

अपने से दूर जाते देख,आनन्द लेवें।"

पत्नी ने तुरन्त कमेंट ठोका- 

 "और आनन्द दोगुना हो जाएगा जब 

पतंग किसी पराये पतंग से पेंच लडाएंगी।"

--------

Biwi के साथ बहस करना और

किसी software का license

agreement पढना एक

जैसा होता है,

अंत में आप सबकुछ ignore करके

click करते हैं – “I Agree”

-----

Power cuts are the only time the whole family assembles together and members speak to each other. Seeing this, BESCOM has decided to have a tagline called "Connecting people by disconnecting power" 

----

[Sandeep Hans]

Doctr : i am sorry.  Opration k waqt Rubber k Gloves aapke pet me reh gaye. Dobara opration karna hoga.

Santa : Abey, pagal he kya?

ye le 20 rupaye naya le le...😄😃😀😂

⛽⛽⛽⛽⛽

👳Santa Bank me paise jama karane gaya.

Cashier- Tumhare Note nakli hai.

Santa- Tujhe kya farak padata hai? Jama to Mere Account me ho rahe hai na..!! 

😳😝😂😁😂😂😀

⛽⛽⛽⛽⛽

Wife - Tum to kehte the ki Shaadi ke baad bhi mujhse bahut Pyaar karoge....

Husband - Mujhe kya pata tha ki tumhari Shaadi mujhse hi ho jayegi ........!

 😂😂😜😜😜😜😜

⛽⛽⛽⛽⛽

Blast of the day: Wife was kidnapped. Kidnapper sent to husband a piece of her finger n demanded  money. 

Husband replied "Ye Ungli to kisi ki b ho sakti hai.."😡MUNDI  Bhej  MUNDI" 

👳👳👳👳👳

⛽⛽⛽⛽⛽

Santa Banta ko 2 bomb mile.

Santa: Chal police ko de ke aate he.

Banta: Agar koi bomb raste me phat gaya to?  

Santa: Jhoot bol denge ki 1 hi mila tha.

👳👳👳👳👳

⛽⛽⛽⛽⛽

Police: Tumhe kal subah 5 baje phaasi di jayegi.

Santa: Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Police: Kyo hass rahe ho?

Santa: Mai to uthta hi subah 9 baje hu!

👳👳

⛽⛽⛽⛽⛽

Santa ki chhatri me hole tha, kisine pucha, umbrella me hole kyu?

Santa bola: Oye baarish ruk jayegi to pata kaise chalega?!

👳👳👳👳👳

⛽⛽⛽⛽⛽

Hitler: "There's no word like IMPOSSIBLE in my dictionary."

Santa: Ab bolne se kya faayda? Jab kharidi thi tab check karna tha!

👳👳👳👳👳

⛽⛽⛽⛽⛽

⛽⛽⛽

Santa ka interview :  Batao wo kaun si Aurat hain jisko 1OO% pata hota hain ki uska Husband kaha hain?

Santa ne apna khatarnak dimag lagaya or bola...

"Vidhwa Aurat...."

[Sandeep Hans]

Six word summary of Hindi movies

Sholay - 3 Men, 4 Hands, Epic Boots.

2. Andaz Apna Apna - Amar-Prem go on an Adventure.

3. Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge - Euro trip.Punjab Trip. Babuji's Grip.

4. Kaho Na Pyaar Hai - Plays guitar. Killed. Plays guitar,Again.

5. Kuch Kuch Hota Hai - How my Dad met my Mother(s).

6.Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham - Fat Hritik. Hot Hritik. Emotional Hritik.

7.Koi Mil Gaya - Too Dumb ->E.T. Revisits ->Too Intelligent.

8.Lagaan - Drought + Oppression + Patriotism = Let's play CRICKET !

[Sandeep Hans]

Teacher : Savitri got back her husband from yama .. 

Now tell what do you learn from it.

Student: even Yama cannot save husband from wife..

😜

--------------

Once all the engineering professors were sitting in one plane ✈ 

Before the take off One announcement came "this plane is made by your students " 

then all professors stood up, ran and went outside, but the principal was sitting. 

One guy came and asked " you are not afraid " 

then the principal replied " I trust my students very well and I am sure the plane ✈ won't even  start "

----

Useful Info for pakode, samose and kachori fans:

[Sandeep Hans]

अमेरिकी अंतरिक्ष एजेंसी नासा ने घोषणा की है कि उन्होंने मंगल ग्रह पर पानी खोज निकाला है. अब इस घटना पर हमारे देश की राजनीति में कैसी प्रतिक्रियाएं हुईं, जरा देखिये 

–नरेन्द्र मोदी :

मितरों … 60 साल हो गए देश आज़ाद हुए, आज तक पानी मिला क्या ? (जनता – नहीं मिला …) तो अब मंगल ग्रह पर पानी मिलने के बाद मैं आप सबसे पूछना चाहता हूँ कि …

आपको बुध पर पानी चाहिए कि नहीं चाहिए ?… (जनता – चाहिए …)

आपको शुक्र पर पानी चाहिए कि नहीं चाहिए ?… (जनता – चाहिए…)

आपको शनि पर पानी चाहिए कि नहीं चाहिए ?… (जनता – चाहिए …)

तो आपसे मेरी हाथ जोड़कर प्रार्थना है कि इस बिहार चुनाव में मुझे अपना आशीर्वाद दीजिये और भाजपा की सरकार बनवाइए ….

  

राहुल गांधी :

पानी … पानी क्या होता है ? …. आज मैं आपको बताता हूँ कि पानी क्या होता है ? …. पानी, दरअसल पानी होता है … ये जो मंगल ग्रह का पानी है, वो किसानों और मजदूरों का पानी है …. गरीबों का पानी है, और ये सूटबूट की सरकार …. ये मोदी सरकार … उस पानी को उद्योगपतियों को देना चाहती है…. लेकिन मैं आपको ये बताने आया हूँ कि हम ऐसा होने नहीं देंगे ….

अरविन्द केजरीवाल :

मंगल पर पानी ढूँढने के लिए मैं वैज्ञानिकों को बधाई देता हूँ लेकिन ये केंद्र की सरकार …. पानी का कंट्रोल अपने हाथों में रखना चाहती है, दिल्ली की चुनी हुई सरकार को पानी से दूर रखना चाहती है …

ओवैसी :

कोई ये न समझे कि मंगल के पानी पर सिर्फ किसी एक कौम का हक है …. ध्यान रहे कि उस पानी पर मुसलमानों का भी बराबर का हक है…

लालू यादव :

ई मंगल पे पानी, मंगल पे पानी, मंगल पे पानी का करता है रे ? धुत …! अरे ऊ तो बिहार का पानी है जो हमरे गया से जाता है …. गया में जा के पुरखों को पानी देते हो कि नहीं ? बोलिए ? उहै पानी पहुँचता है मंगल पे … बुङबक!

जी न्यूज़ (डीएनए) :

यहाँ आपके लिए ये जानना बेहद जरूरी है कि मोदी जी इस देश के ऐसे पहले प्रधानमन्त्री बन गए हैं जिनके कार्यकाल में मंगल पर पानी मिला है …. !!!

दीपक चौरसिया (इंडिया न्यूज): 

इस वक़्त मैं मंगल पर हूँ और जैसा कि यहाँ मैं देख पा रहा हूँ ये दरअसल एक स्विमिंग पूल है, जो ललित मोदी का है, जो अपनी पत्नी के इलाज के लिए पेरिस हिल्टन के साथ यहाँ आये हुए हैं.

फेस्बुकिया मोदी भक्त :

… देख लो, इसे कहते हैं अच्छे दिन …. तुम लोग साले प्याज और दाल की मंहगाई का रोना ही रोते रहना, बस !

…!!!

[Sandeep Hans]

Once upon a time...
A small boy named Hameed lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Hameed!"
One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her whole career...
The mother could not accept such a feed back and she took her son out from that school. She even shifted to another city.
25 years later, that teacher got a cardio disorder and all the doctors have advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform.
Left with no other choice she did it and the surgery was successful. When she opened her eyes, she saw a handsome doctor smiling to her, being under anesthesia effect, she wanted to thank him but could not talk, in turn, he was staring at her face which started turning blue, she was raising her hand trying to tell him something but in vain and eventually died.
The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened, till he turned back and saw our friend Hameed working as a cleaner in that hospital who unplugged the ventilator to connect his vacuum cleaner.
If you were thinking that Hameed became a doctor, its because you have been watching too many Indian movies, serials or have read too many motivational forward messages.
Hameed is Hameed!

[Sandeep Hans]

Hyderabadi joke: 

He: kahan gaye the?

She: warangal gayi thi.

He: warangal 😕!!!!! Wahan kaiku gaye the????

She: ajee...jeans ki shopping ke liye gayi thi

He:.ariii howliii....wo warangal nai Wrangler hai..... 

-------------------

चार Ka चमत्कार

Hum भारतीयों के Jeevan में 4 नंबर का महत्व

जैसे

4 Din की चांदनी Fir अंधेरी Raat🌌 😎

4 किताबें📚 पढ़ क्या लीं खुद को.खुद को गवर्नर समजता है😎

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

4 Paise 💵 कमाओगे Tab Pata चलेगा।😎

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

4-4 आने में Bikti है Aaj के दौर में ईमानदारी😎

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

आखिर Humari भी 4 Logo में Izzat है😎

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Ye बात 4 Log सुनेंगे तो Kia सोचेंगे।😎

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

4 Dino Ki आई हुई बहू👰 के Aise तेवर😎

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

4 Din तो दुकान में Tik kar बैठ जाओ😎

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Wo आई और 4 Baatein Suna kar चली💃गई 😎

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

Tumse क्या 4 Kadam 🏃भी नहीं चला जाता 😎

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

और Last में

😜😝😝😜😜😝😛😛😄

4 बोतल Vodka🍸काम मेरा Roj का

Na mujhko koi roke. Na kisi ne toka.........😂

😜😂😂😂😀😝😝😛😜

market me Naya Hai..4 logo ko bhej do...एक हरयाणवी ताऊ मोबाईल खरीदने गया

----------------------------

दुकानदार:- हाँ ताऊ कूण सा मोबाईल दिखाऊं ?

 

ताऊ :- भाई SAMSUNG NOTE4 दे दे..

 

दुकानदार:- ताऊ Lava, Nokia या Micromax ले ले। NOTE 4 तेरी समझ मा कोन्या आवै..!!

 

ताऊ:- ना भाई, मन्नै तो NOTE4 ही चईयै..

 

दुकानदार:- पर ताऊ NOTE4 ही क्यूँ.?

 

ताऊ:-  क्यूँके बावले उस मा कान खुजाण वाली  डंडी आवै सै..!!

 😄😄😄😝😜😄😄

[6:57PM, 10/8/2015] matai: 😜😜😜😂😂😂😜😜😜

वकील: "माई लार्ड, कानून की किताब के पेज नंबर 15 के मुताबिक मेरे मुवक्किल को बा-इज्जत बरी किया जाये। 

जज: "किताब पेश की जाये।"

किताब पेश की गयी, जज ने पेज नंबर 15 खोला तो उसमें 1000 के 5 नोट थे।

.

.

.

जज मुस्कुराते हुए बोला:-

"बहुत खूब!!!! इस तरह के 2 सबूत और पेश किये जाये।""

😜😜😜😂😂😂😜😜😜

हायकोर्ट ने आज ये स्पष्ट किया है क़ि.....

.

.

.

अगर पति परमेश्वर है ...!!

.

.

तो....

.

.

.

बॉय फ्रैंड भी 

छोटा मोटा भैरो बाबा माना जायेगा ।।।।

😜😜😜😂😂😂😜😜😜

🏆Most Awarded Joke of 2015🏆

टीचर - 1 से 10 तक गिनती सुनाओ। 

संता ..1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9, 10.. 

टीचर - 6 कहां है ? 

संता - जी वो तो मर गया।

टीचर - मर गया? कैसे मर गया???

संता ...जी मैडम, आज सुबह टीवी पर न्यूज में बता रहे थे कि स्वाईन फ्रलू में 6 की मौत हो गई !

😜😜😜😂😂😂😜😜😜

नौकरी के लिए इंटरव्यू चल रहा था....

बहुत लम्बी लाइन लगी हुई थी...

गेट पर लिख रखा था......

अंदर आने के लिए जो सबसे कम शब्द बोलेगा उसे नौकरी दी जाएगी...

अब कोई कहे:- मै आई कम इन सर...

कोई:- क्या में अन्दर आ सकती हूँ...

कोई कुछ कोई कुछ ...

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एक जाट बड़ी गौर ते देखे था...

इब जाट का नंबर आया..

जाट ने कमरे के गेट में गर्दन भीतर करी और

बोल्या :----

बडू.....

😜😜😜😂😂😂😜😜😜

एक बार एक चौधरी अपने लड़के के लिये लड़की देखने गया

लड़की कुछ ज्यादा ही काली थी, चौधरी को बिलकुल पसंद नहीं आई

लड़की का बाप बोला- चौधरी साहब लड़की पसंद कर जाओ, कार दे देंगे दहेज़ में

चौधरी बोला - भाई तू तो कार दे देगा, अगर ये काला जामुन हमारे घर आ गया तो अगली पीढ़ी में हमें हमारी लड़की ब्याहने के लिए हेलीकॉप्टर देना पड़ेगा!!!!!

😜😜😜😂😂😂😜😜😜

हरियाणवी कुवाँरा ब्याह न होने के कारण दुखी होकर अपने दोस्त से बोला-

  

"मनैं तो कई बार यू लागै

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कि मेरी वाली तो भ्रुण

हत्या में मारी गई.."

😜😜😜😂😂😂😜😜😜 एक पागल खाली पेपर को बार-बार चूम रहा था। 

दूसरा पागल- ये क्या है? 

पहला- लव लेटर है। 

दूसरा- मगर ये तो खाली है। 

पहला- आज कल बोलचाल बंद है।😜😝😃😄😂😂😂

 🔻एक शराबी सड़क के किनारे बहुत ज्यादा पीने के कारण लगभग बेसुध सा पड़ा हुआ था. 

एक भले आदमी ने उसके पास आकर पूछा –

“आखिर इतनी ज्यादा पीनेकी क्या जरूरत थी ?

”शराबी – “मजबूरी थी … पीने के अलावा और कोई चारा ही नहीं था.. 

भला आदमी – “आखिर ऐसी क्या मजबूरी हो गई थी ?”.

शराबी – “बोतल का ढक्कन गुम हो गया था … !”..

[Sandeep Hans]

[Sandeep Hans]

साँसे अपनी रोक कर तुझे छूने की तमन्ना,

और हल्का सा छू कर ख़ुशी खुशी लौट आना, 

जैसे सारा जहाँ जीत लिया हो.

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रोमांटिक शायरी नही है

कबड्डी की परिभाषा है। 

फिर से पढों समझ आएगा,

 मोहब्बत के मरीज़ो।

😋

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लड़की वाले- हमें ऐसा लड़का चाहिए

जो कुछ खाता पीता ना हो, और कुछ

गलत काम ना करता हो।

पंडित- ऐसा लड़का तो आपको ICU के

इमरजेंसी वार्ड में ही मिलेगा।

2015-10-09 17:09 GMT-04:00 Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com>:

[payal ratnoo]

Rofl..:-D

[Sandeep Hans]

साधारण लोग: सुसु जाना हैं.

गुलज़ार साहब-

मचलती हैं पेट में कुछ लहरें सी,

लगता हैं इन्हें किसी किनारे का इंतज़ार हैं.

😆😆😂😂

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Ranbir kapur :- yr jabse mene salman bhai ki gf ko pataya hai meri to film hi hit nahi hoti... 😨😱😯

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Abhisek bachchan :- tu meri soch mene to shadi ki hai....😜😃😛😝😂

[Sandeep Hans]

Check your banana quotient: Mumbai estyle 😋🍌

1. What is banana called in hindi - kela

2. What is a single banana called - akela

3. What is a tired banana called - thakela

4. What is the bored banana called - pakela

5. What is a banana waiting at a signal called - rukela

6. What is a stuck up banana called - atkela

7. What is an angry banana called - satkela

8. What is a hung up banana called - latkela

9. What is a lost banana called - bhatkela

10. What is a dead banana called - tapkela

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Lalu Prasad - Hum Do Hamare Gin Lo

[Sandeep Hans]

As per calculations done by Johnie Walker, an average drinker drinks about 80 litres of liquor in a year. An average man also walks about 1800km in a year. It means that an average drinker gives an approx milage of 23 km per litre. Not bad! 

Better than a Maruti Swift!

Johnie Walker................... Keep Walking !! 😝🍻

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Ek Sindhi की माँ की तबीयत खराब हुई

Hospital ले गये

Dr ने कहा

2 Test होंगे

Sindhi जोर-जोर से रोने लगा

हे भगवान अब क्या होगा

मेरी माँ तो

अनपढ़ है 😜 😂😂😂

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Orthopedic Joke:

Santa said to doctor: Poori body main kahin bhi ungli lagao to bohat dard hota hai,😒

Doctor suggested full body Xray,

when doctor checked Xray, he found fracture in “Ungli”👆

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राहुल गांधी :- माॅ,

आपकी वजह से ही

मेरी शादी नहीं हो रही है

सोनिया :- वो कैसे ?

राहुल :- आपके हर पोस्टर में लिखा होता है

सोनिया जी को

"  बहु  मत " दो 

[Sandeep Hans]

A cow was kept for viva spotting:                                   

Answers from medicos

Pre MBBS - it's a cow!!

Final MBBS - perhaps this is a cow!!!

MD -  Four legged animal with horn & tail, may be cow or hypopigmented buffalo!

DM - this may be a hypertrophied goat or an atrophied elephant with congenital anomalies. Possibility of being a cow cannot be ruled out. Suggested DNA studies for further evaluation...

 Moral - Higher studies kills your common sense.

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नोकरानी- मेम मुझे 10 दिन की छुट्टी चाहिए

मेडम- ऐसे तुझे 10 दिन की छुट्टी दे दूँ तो फिर साहब के लिए खाना कौन बनाएगा, उनके कपड़े कौन धोएगा, उनका बेड कौन लगाके देंगा?

नोकरानी - मेम आपको साहब के काम की इतनी फ़िक्र हो तो साब को में साथ लेके जाऊँ...!!

😄😀😜😄😃

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यकीन मानिये पंजाबी भाषा से कुछ भी हो सकता है!

टीचर पप्पू से: 'दिवाली' के बारे कुछ बताओ?

पप्पू: ये है 'दिवाली' का इतिहास, इक वार इक मुण्डा सी। उसदा नाम हैप्पी सी। ओ अपने कन्ना विच वालियाँ पांन्दा सी। इक दिन उस दी वाली गुम गई। उसने बहुत लब्बी पर नही मिली पर थोड़ी देर बाद किसी होर मुंडे नू उस दी वाली मिल गई। लोक्का ने उस तो पूछया कि एह की है? ताँ उसने कहा कि एह 'हैप्पी दी वाली' है।

बस उस दिन तो सारे 'हैप्पी दिवाली' मनान लग पए।

[Sandeep Hans]

Amitabh, Jaya and Aishwarya returning Abhishek Bachchan in protest against Modi's Government.

[Sandeep Hans]

Happy Dashehra :)

Ever wondered what kind of a life Raavan lived?

-He had to buy a new toothpaste every week.

-Raavan never got Head Ache, he got Head Anek.

-Raavan wore a T-shirt by first putting his leg into it and then pulling it up. 👕

-Raavan got group discounts for Haircuts.

-Raavan was the most talkative boy in the class. 

-Raavan as a school kid never needed to tilt his head to cheat from his neighbour during exams.

-Raavan was not allowed inside bars during Happy Hours. 

-Raavan always had to use a panoramic photo for taking a selfie

-Raavan was the only member of a b-school group discussion.

🙇🙇🙇🙇🙇🙇🙇🙇🙇🙇

-He was a choir group all by himself. 

  and lastly..

-Whenever Raavan caught a viral cold, it was considered an epidemic.

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What did Laxman say to Sita ....in the jungle ? 

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STAY OFFLINE "....😂

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एक फ्लैट में घंटी बजती है और महिला जो घर में अकेली है दरवाज़ा खोलती है ...

भिक्षुक:

"माई, भिक्षा दे।"

महिला:

"ले लो, महाराज .."

भिक्षुक:

"माई ... ज़रा यह द्वार पार करके बाहर तो आना।"

वह द्वार पार करके बाहर आती है।

भिक्षुक (उसे पकड़ते हुए ):

"हा .. हा ... हा ... मैं भिक्षुक नहीं, रावण हूं !"

महिला:

"हा .. हा .. हा ... मैं भी सीता नहीं, कामवाली बाई हूँ।"  

रावण :

"हा..हा..हा.. सीता का अपहरण करके आज तक पछता रहा हूं, तुम्हें ले जाऊंगा तो मंदोदरी खुश हो जायेगी। मुझे भी कामवाली बाई की ही ज़रूरत है ..."

महिला :

"हा, हा, हा ... सीता  को ढूंढने सिर्फ राम आऐ थे ...

मुझे  ले जाओगे तो  सारी  बिल्डिंग ढूंढते पहुंच  जाएगी।"😆😆

Happy Dashera

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Dear Ravana.....Every year, on this day, we celebrate the victory of good over evil....

But..technically....your behaviour should be re-classified from "Evil" to "Slightly Naughty". 

After all, tumne kiya hi kya thha? I agree you kidnapped a lady in haste... 

But.. after that...you gave her more respect we normally give to women in today's world. 

You offered her good food...shelter...and even women security guards (not too good looking though). 

Your request for marriage was full of humility..and you never threw acids when rejected. 

Even when Lord Rama killed you.... you were wise enough to seek his apologies. 

And...I believe you were more educated than half of our Parliament. 

Trust me dude...there ain't no any hard feelings to burn you... just that it's the In-Thing. Respect !! 😊👍

[Sandeep Hans]

[Sandeep Hans]

पत्नी अर्धांगिनी होती है,

इसलिए उसे आधी जानकारी ही दें, जीवन के आधे कष्ट कम हो जायेंगे। :: 

:-  चाणक्य के फूफाजी 😛😛

************

आधी जानकारी होना, पूरी जानकारी होने से भी ज्यादा घातक हॆ।

क्योंकि, फिर आपकी अर्धांगिनी आधी जानकारी को पूरी, अपने मुताबिक कर लेगी॥

:- चाणक्य के फूफाजी की अर्धांगिनी :)

[Sandeep Hans]

एक भैस की दर्द भरी
दास्तान :-
बच्चा जब थोड़ा बड़ा होता
है । दूध भैंस का पीता है।
बोर्नविटा डालडाल कर ।
और निबंध लिखने के
लिये दूसरे जानवर क्यो ?
यदि बच्चा लिख नहीं पाता
तो बोलते है "काला अक्षर
भैस बराबर " तो क्या
दूसरे जानवर पोष्ट ग्रेजुएट
है ?
गलती करे बदनाम हम
क्यों ?"बैठ गयी भैस पानी
में" हमनें क्या बिगाड़ा है?
हम भी अन्य सब जानवरों
की तरह ही है ।फिर भी
सीमा से अधिक भेद-भाव
झेलते है ।
ग :गाय का
ब :बंदर का
ऊ :ऊल्लू का
तो हमारा क्या ?
भ :भैंस का लिखनें में
आपका क्या जाता है ।
हमारा दूध पीकर हमसे
ही गद्दारी !
कोईं औरत सीधी हो तो
उसे गाय से तुलना करते
हो ।और मोटी हो तो भैंस?
हमपर जुल्म अलग कोईं
जंगली जानवर मार दे तो
सजा है हमको मार दे तो
कुछ नहीं उल्टा पूछते हैं
"हमनें क्या तुम्हारी भैस
मारी है "
और तो और कोईं रास्ते
पर बीच में खड़ा हो जाये
तो कहते हो कि क्या भैसे
जैसा खड़ा है ।
हमारी मेजोरिटी के बारे में
आप सब जानते है ।
जिस दिन धरना प्रदर्शन
कर देंगें ।
होटलों से लेकर पाँच
सितारा तक सब हीलाके
रख देंगें ।
हमारा केवल यह निवेदन
है कि हमें भी अन्य
जानवरों जैसा ही सम्मान
मिले ।
हम पर फब्तियाँ कसना
बंद हो ।
अन्यथा दहीं,मावे की
मिठाईयाँ ,पनीर की
सब्जीयाँ ,केशरिया दूध,
और भी सैकड़ों आयटम
सब भूल जाओ ।
फिर मिलेंगे धरना स्थल
राम लीला मैदान पर । 😂😂😂😂😜😜😜

[Sandeep Hans]

Some Ladies were sitting in a park every day. I was observing them daily as they were talking and laughing loudly.

One day I observed everybody was silent. There must be some serious issue or incidents happened.

So I went to one lady and asked, Why is everybody silent today?

The lady replied, "All are present today."

It took me a whole minute to understand this.

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मैंने चिड़िया पाली, उड़ गयी

मैंने गिलहरी पाली, भाग गयी

मैंने पेड़ लगाया, चिड़िया और गिलहरी दोनो वापस आ गये. 

__डा. ए. पी. जे. अब्दुल कलाम 

मेरे साथ भी कुछ ऐसा ही हुआ 

मैं चिवडा ले आया, दोस्तों ने खाया चले गए. 

मैं मूंगफली ले आया, दोस्तों ने  खाया चले गए. 

मैं दारु ले आया, दोस्त चिवडा और मूंगफली लेकर वापस आ गए. 

😜😝😎

तेजप्रताप मंत्री बनते ही अपने ड्राईवर से बोला हमको शौचालय ले चलो। 

ड्राईवर बोला शौचालय नहीं सचिवालय सर। 

तेज प्रताप  : सही पकड़ें है👍👍👍

[Sandeep Hans]

Subject: Reunion Invitation

Greatest scientists of all times were invited to a reunion ...

* Newton said he'd drop in.

* Socrates said he'd think about it.

* Ohm resisted the idea.

* Boyle said he was under too much pressure.

* Darwin said he'd wait to see what evolved.

* Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.

* Volta was electrified at the prospect.

* Pavlov positively drooled at the thought.

* Ampere was worried he wasn't current enough though alternately none were.

* Audubon said he'd have to wing it.

* Edison thought it would be illuminating.

* Einstein said it would be relatively easy to attend.

* Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.

* Dr Jekyll declined - he said he hadn't been feeling himself lately.

* Morse said, "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."

* Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetism.

* Hertz said he planned to attend with greater frequency in the future.

* Watt thought it would be a good way to let off steam.

* Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.

* And Dr. Sigmund Freud couldn't help but give it the slip!😎

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मेट्रो तो  पटना में भी आ जाती लेकिन...

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...

...

...

यहाँ के लोगो ने मना कर दिया, ...

...

...

...

कहते हैं अइसन ट्रेन कौन काम के कि खिड़की खोल के खैनीओ न थूक सके ।। 😛😛

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Patanjali burgers .... Coming soon

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The recent Bihar Elections have shown one thing:  EDUCATION IS NOT EVERYTHING IN LIFE.

 

A Look at the Bihar Cabinet and the Educational Qualifications of the ministers

1) Nitish Kumar - Chief Minister, Home, General Administration - (Bachelor Of Engineering)

2) Tejaswi Yadav - Deputy Chief Minister - Roads, Buildings, Backwards class Welfare - (Ninth std Fail)

3) Tej Pratap Yadav - Health, Irrigation, Transport - (Twelfth Fail)

4) Abdul Bari Siddiqui -  Finance - (Twelfth)

5) Vijendra Prasad Yadav - Electricity - (Tenth Fail)

6) Lalan Singh - Drinking water - ( Eighth Std)

7) Manju Varma - Social Welfare - (Twelfth)

8) Manmohan Jha - Land development - (Seventh)

9) Madan sahini - Fertilizers - (Tenth Std)

10) Ashok Choudhary - Education & IT (Tenth Std)

11) Vijay Prakash - Labour - (Fifth Standard)

12) Ram Vichar Rai - (Agriculture)

13) Kapildev Kamath - Panchayati Raj - (Third Std)

14) Santosh Nirala - SC/ST Welfare - (Twelfth)

15) Abdul Jaleel Masthaan - Programme Implementation - (Eighth Std)

16) Abdul Gafoor - Minority Welfare - (Tenth Std)

17) Chandrika rai - Transport 

18) Maheswar Hajari - Urban Development  - (Twelfth)

19) Chandrashekar - Disaster Management - (Fourth std)

20) Jaykumar singh - Industries And Science and Technology - (Tenth Std)

21) Anitha Devi -  tourism - (Twelfth Failed)

22) Awadesh Singh - Animal Husbandry - (Fifth Standard) 

23) Muneshwar Choudhary - Mines and Geology - (Twelfth)

24) Krishnanandan Verma - Law - (Eleventh)

25) Khurshid Feroz Ahmed - Sugarcane Industry - (Fifth std)

26) Shailesh Kumar - Village Administration - (Second Standard)

27) Alok Mehta - Co-operatives - (Third standard)

28) Shravan Kumar - Village Development - (Twelfth Standard)

29) Shivachandra Ram - Arts and Culture - (ILLITERATE)

HAIL  DEMOCRAZY

[Sandeep Hans]

Soon bajrangi bhaijan 2 will be released

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In which Salman khan will be taking Kiran rao to Pakistan😂😂😂

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Aggarwal Packers and Movers has just sent Aamir Khan a friend request.

-----

I have 10 INTOLERANT  mosquitoes in my HOUSE...they bite me every night, there is so much INTOLERANCE in my HOUSE ..m scared for my child's safety ,I won't buy a mosquito repellent instead I'm planning to leave my house . 😂😂😂

-----

To

Mrs. Kiran Rao,

"When wife feels unsafe, its time to change Husband & not the country"- Indrani Mukerjea😂

----------------

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. 

She noted that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands. 

She returned to Kabul recently and observed that men now walked several yards behind their wives.

Ms.Walters approached one of the Afghani women and said, "This is marvellous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the woman ..

😳😳😄😄😜😜😜😜

-----------

Bihari students  - साहब बिजली नही आती इसलिये पढाई नही हो

पा रही

Lalu  - मैं कुछ इंतज़ाम करता हूँ

छात्र - बिजली का ?

Lalu - नही डिग्री का😜

----

A School Master 

from a remote rural area in Bihar was transferred to a new School in Mumbai. He reported for duty two days after the actual date of joining. Consequently he was asked for an explanation in writing...

Deer sur,

If small small mistakes getting inside my letter, I big you pardon, ass I am not a good englis speaker.

This is my fist vijit to Bombai. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following region, too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. I tolded I has head ache problem due to migration. Still the clerk rejected to give ticket to I and my sun.I putted a complain on station masterji. He said I to go to the lady clerk. At first she also rejected. I then pressed for long time and finally with great difficulty she gave  birth to my sun. 

Anyway I thanked the station master also because he was phully responsible for getting birth of my sun.

Ass a hole it was a bhery diphicult experiment in my hole life. I hope u will look into explain my hole story after, and late me joint first. I am now ending this fastly. 

I am a waiter for your responsement. May god blast you.

[Sandeep Hans]

[Sandeep Hans]

The Cow (Essay written by a Bihari candidate for Class 8 exam)

You'll forget your English by the time you finish reading this. 

HE IS THE COW. 

The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, And because he is female, he give milks, (but will do so when he is got child). 

He is sacred to Hindus  and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. 

His whole body can be utilized for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. (Horses don't have any such attachment) What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. 

Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species. Also his other motion.. (gober) is much useful to trees, plants as well as for making flat cakes (like Pizza), in hand , and drying in the sun. 

Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards he chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass.

His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child. This is done by bowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards. 

He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the one  end of the tail. This is done to frighten away the flies. Other end of the tail is the cow .

We have been informed that the candidate passed the exam. He is now DEPUTY CHIEF MINISTER in Bihar.

😜😀😀😀

------

Nagpur cricket pitch has also turned out to be totally  intolerant. Batsman can't stay on pitch despite every effort. 

It is felt that RSS is responsible for the intolerant pitch in Nagpur given it is in its backyard. 

Anushka is concerned and asked Kohli if his batting career was safe on such pitches or should they move to other country with more tolerant pitch. She was also speaking to Sania Mirza for inputs and advice. 

Clearly this was not the case in the Congress regime under the leadership of Manmohan where the pitches always  remained silent for five days and sometimes for months. Under Modi's India, pitches are talking and turning and showing no tolerance and cricketers are no longer feeling safe. 

Some cricketers have also threatened to return the World Cup under the Award Wapsi program.😂😂😂

[Sandeep Hans]

A funny analysis... 

If you follow the right woman u become Robert vadra... 

If you follow the wrong woman u become Vijay maliya...

 If you follow many women u remain Salman khan (bachelor)... 

If you don't follow women u become Narendra modi... 

Beware do not follow woman  blindly...else u become Manmohan singh... 

If u keep on thinking who to follow.... Sorry... U will remain a kid like Rahul Gandhi.... 😝😝

And the latest..........without following quietly what your wife says and revealing it  to public then you will become Aamir Khan

[Sandeep Hans]

Amitabh Bacchan is driving his new Aston Martin luxury car. Asks his driver to sit back.

Police hawaldar stops the car for signal Jumping.

On seeing Amitabh driving the car, he calls his ACP and asks him "Sir signal jumping ke liye rokki hai. Lekin challan nahi phad sakta. Gadi mein bahut bada Sahab baitha hai. Kya karu??"

ACP asks "kaun sahab hai gadi main?"

Hawaldar "Pata nahi kaun sahab hai. Lekin usne Amitabh Bachhan ko driver rakha hai."

Amitabh Shocked.....😱

.....Hawaldar Rocked. 😜

[Ashish Kumar]

Hilarious prison break stories:
http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-india-34918527

--

[Sandeep Hans]

[Sandeep Hans]

[Sandeep Hans]

INDIAN FILMS (DIRECTOR WISE)

[Sandeep Hans]

पुरे विश्व के पुरूषो में से भारतीय पुरुष एक बात में भिन्न हैं !!! 

वो ये,  की शादी के बाद उनपे एक खास  जिम्मेदारी होती है ...

"  कुकर की ३ सिटी के बाद गैस  

बंद कर देना ...!" 😜😝

[Sandeep Hans]

[payal ratnoo]

एक लेडी इंटर्व्यू देने गई

इंटर्व्यूअर - क्या करती हैं आप
लेडी - मैं पाइलट हूँ

इंटर्व्यूअर - <बहुत आदर के साथ> क्या उड़ाती हैं आप

लेडी - पति के पैसे 😜😜😜

On 3 Dec 2015 23:28, "Sandeep Hans" <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

--

[Sandeep Hans]

सभी मित्रों को सप्रेम नमस्कार,  

बीते दो दिनों से मौसम कुछ गड़बड़ है। सुना है हिमाचल,उत्तराखंड और जम्मू कश्मीर में बर्फ पड रही है।और पुरे भारत में ढंड और सर्दी बढ़ने का अंदेशा है।

❄🌀❄🌀❄🌀❄☁⛄⛄🌌🌁🌀⛄❄

ऐसे में मौसम का एहतेराम करते हुए एक जरूरी सूचना:-

अत्यधिक ठंड की स्थिती में "सुप्रभात" संदेश प्रातः 11 से दोपहर 3.00बजे तक स्वीकार्य हैं

साथ ही "शुभरात्री" के संदेश 6.00 बजे से रात्री 9 बजे तक मान्य किये जायेंगे 

😄😜😃😜😀😄

बड़ी बेवफ़ा हो जाती है ग़ालिब, ये घड़ी भी सर्दियों में,

5 मिनट और सोने की सोचो तो, 30 मिनट आगे बढ़ जाती है 

😊❄⛄🌀🌀🌁☁

सर्दी ने अब पकड बनाई, अगल बगल से जकड रजाई,

धुंध में सूरज नहीं है दिखने वाला, घडी की घंटी से उठ जा भाई 

😉

मत ढूंढो मुझे इस दुनिया की तन्हाई में,

ठण्ड बहुत है, मैं यही हूँ, अपनी रजाई में   😝

तमाम राष्ट्रीय-अंतर्राष्ट्रीय समस्याओं के बीच मेरी छोटी सी लोकल समस्या सारी रात गुज़र जाती है इसी कश्मकश में ये रजाई में हवा कहां से घुस रही है

😜

सुबह सुबह आकर सोये हुए को जगाने के लिये उसकी रजाई खींच लेने को महापाप की श्रेणी में रखा जायेगा

😝

अगर इस समय कोई सुबह सुबह किसी पर ठंडा पानी डाल दे, तो वो घटना भी आतंकवादी हमले के अंतर्गत माना जायेगा

😛

किसी की रजाई खींचना विद्रोह के बराबर माना जायेगा और रजाई में घुसकर ठंडे पैर लगाना छेड़छाड़ का अपराध माना जायेगा

😍

अर्ज किया है

हुआ अपहरण धूप का,  पूरी जनता मौन,

कोहरा थानेदार है, रपट लिखाए कौन

😳

इस बरसाती ठण्ड के मौसम में रजाई के अंदर रहना ही श्रेष्ठ कर्म है .... और टमाटर की चटनी के साथ पकोड़े, चाय मिलना मोक्ष की प्राप्ति

😁

ऐ सर्दी इतना न इतरा , अगर हिम्मत है तो जून में आ    🌀❄⛄😉

आखिर अब वो समय आ ही गया है जब हम सुबह उठ कर ज़िन्दगी का सबसे मुश्किल फैंसला करते हैं कि 

आज नहाना है या नही ?? 

😂

सर्दी बुलेटिन समाप्त हुआ 😷

❄Happy Winter 😜😛☺

[Sandeep Hans]

Latest matrimonial 

Manglik girl with vehicle having even number registration needed for manglik boy who's vehicle has odd number registration .

-------

Ladki Ne Stop Pe Handsome Ladka Dekha Or Boli:

I LOVE U

Ladke Ne Ladki Ke Sar Par Duptta Rakha,

UsKa Haath Pakad Ke Bola :

5 Waqt Namaz Padha Karo

Pyaar Me Kuch Nahi Rakkha...

Aur ek paper me dua likhi aur bola ki isse subah uthte waqt aur sone se pehle roz padha karo

Ladka Jaane Ke Baad Ladki Ne Haath Me Pakdi Hui Parchi Kholi To Likha Tha:

Aqal Ki Anndhi

pitwaayeGi Kya...?

Peechhe Meri biwi Thi,

Ye Mera Number Hai ... 

Save Ker Le

Phone Per Baat Karenge

aur ha

I LOVE U 2.. 

moral: Men will be men😜😂😂😂

-------------

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.  People move out of the way much faster now! 

 ➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

 ➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

I decided to change calling the bathroom the bathroom and renamed it the gym.  I feel so much better saying I went to the gym this morning.

 ➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me!

 ➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

 ➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

 ➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

 ➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

 ➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my spouse took it!

 ➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

Of course I talk to myself.. as sometimes I need expert advice

----------

Some Ladies were Sitting in a Park every day. I was observing them daily as they were Talking and Laughing Loudly.

One day I observed everybody was silent. There must be some Serious issue or Incident Happened.

So I went to one Lady and asked, Why everybody is Silent Today?

The Lady replied, All Are Present Today.

It took me a whole minute to understand this. 😂

--------

कभी किसी अंधे का मजाक ना करे ।।

एक अँधा आदमी एक फाइव स्टार होटल

में

गया !

होटल मैनेजर ने उससे पूछा :- ये

हमारा मीनू है, आप क्या लेंगे सर?

अंधा आदमी :- मैं अँधा हूँ, आप

मुझे

अपनी किचन से, चम्मच को आपके खाने

के

आइटम में डुबोकर ला दें, मैं उसे

सूंघ कर,

आर्डर कर दूँगा!

मैनेजर को यह सुनकर

बड़ा ही आश्चर्य हुआ,

उसने मन ही मन में सोचा कि, कोई

आदमी सूंघकर कैसे बता सकता है

कि हमने

आज क्या बनाया है, पकाया है !

मैनेजर ने जितनी बार भी, अपने

अलग-अलग

खाने के आइटम में, चम्मच डुबाकर,

अँधे

आदमी को सुंघाई, अंधे ने

सही बताया कि वो क्या है,

और अँधे ने सूंघ कर ही खाने

का आर्डर

किया !

हफ्ते-भर यही चलता रहा.

अँधा सूंघकर, आर्डर देता और

खाना खा कर

चला जाता !

एक दिन मैनेजर ने, अँधे

आदमी की परीक्षा लेने

की सोची कि यह

सब एक अँधा आदमी सूंघकर कैसे

बता सकता है ?

मैनेजर किचन में गया और

अपनी पत्नी मीना से बोला कि, तुम

चम्मच को अपने होठो से गीला कर दो !

मीना ने चम्मच को अपने होठों पर

रगड़

कर चम्मच मैनेजर को दे दी!

मैनेजर ने वो चम्मच अँधे

आदमी को ले जा कर

दी और बोला, बताओ आज हमने

क्या बनाया है ?

अँधे आदमी ने चम्मच को सूंघा और

बोला :-

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

...

.

.

.

.

.

.

ओह मायी गोड! मेरी क्लासमेट

मीना यहाँ काम करती है !

मैनेजर

बेहोश।।।।।।"^(oo)^😜😜😜😜😜

😜😜😜😜😜😜

------

[Sandeep Hans]

20 Movies That Didn’t Do Well At The Box Office, But Are A Must Watch!

http://www.storypick.com/must-watch-movies-that-bombed/

[Sandeep Hans]

बादाम खाने से अक्ल आती है.

धोके खाने से भी अक्ल आती है,....

तो सोचो बादाम धो के खाने से कितनी अक्ल आती होगी?

😂😂 😝😝😝

------

🍌🌱A Sensible Zoke 🌱🍌

 

!⚡! Outside an Electricity Office,

One 🍌Banana vendor was selling Bananas.

    

Electricity officer: What's the price of Banana?

Vendor - Let me know where you will use it?

Manager -  What do you mean?

Vendor- If you are taking it to temple then it's  

         Rs 10 per kg.

To Orphanage

           Rs 15 per kg

For School children

           Rs 20 per kg          

If you r taking home

           Rs 25 per kg 

And  

For Restaurant 

           Rs 30 per kg.....

Electricity officer- How can this be? All bananas are same then why difference in price?

 

Vendor - This is my tariff plan. You people give electricity to home, shop, factory etc from the same pole.  But you charge different tariffs..😳

     

Electricity officer is still in Coma. .😉

🍌  🌱    🍌   🌱    🍌   🌱

[Sandeep Hans]

PUNS

[Disclaimer: You may need some grey cells to understand the zokes below. Please don't be shy and reply if you need clarification on any of these.]

- Q: How was the roman empire cut?

A: with a pair of caesars.

- Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn?

A: Where's popcorn?

- Q: How much room is needed for fungi to grow? A: As mushroom as possible.

- A chemistry lab is like a big party. Some drop the acid while others drop the base.

- Are you nemo? because u should get lost

- Q: You know what's really odd?

A: Numbers not divisible by 2.

- I used to hate math

But now I realised decimals have a point

- I think my friend was built backwards

His nose runs and his feet smell

/

[Jai Prakash]

👴💦लालू यादव नहा रहे थे

👵राबड़ी - ई का जी, बलवा
के साथे - साथे शैम्पूआ
कन्धवा पर काहे लगा रहे
हैं, एकदम पगले है का ??

👴लालू - तु पागल, तोरा
बाप पागल, तोरा पुरा
खानदान पागल..... देखती
नहीं है शैम्पूआ पर का
लिखा है... 
Head & Shoulder 
😜😜😊😊😊
ओबामा (लालू से) - लालू! तुझे
स्विमिंग आती है?
लालू- ना रे !
ओबामा - शिट्ट, तेरे से
तो कुत्ता अच्छा है जो स्विम
कर लेता है।
लालू - तुमको आता है
स्विमिंगवा?
ओबामा - या! ऑफ कोर्स
आता है।
लालू - ससुरा, फिर तोहरे और
कुत्ता में फरक का है बे!!!
😜😝😜😝😜
लालू फुटबॉल मैच देख कर बोले:
एतना सारा आदमी फुटबॉल को लात क्यों मार
रहा है?
सेक्रेटरी : सर, गोल करने के लिए।
लालू : ससुरी गोल ही तो है, और केतना गोल करेंगे।
😀😀😀😀😀😀😀
लालू : ससुरा, मूर्ख आदमी की बीवी बहुत सुन्दर
होती है......
राबड़ी : आपके पास तो हमरे तारीफ के सिवाय
कोनो कामे नहीं है।
😀😀😀😀😀😀
लालू ने राबड़ी से I Love You कहा और गिर पड़े।
फिर उठे, I Love You कहा और फिर गिर पड़े।
राबड़ी : ई का है?
लालू : देखती नहीं है ससुरी..... I'm falling in
love".
😜😝😜
: मायावती एक हाथी के साथ 🐘
लालू से मिलने गई👶
लालू - भैंसवा के साथ आये हो?🐃
मायावती - दिखता नहीं एलिफेंटवा है?
लालू - धत पगली हम एलिफैंटवा से पूछ रहा हूँ।
😜😜😜😜😜
: लालू - सोनिया जी से:
सोनिया जी..
ई बतायें कि.. "I love you" का मतलब का होता है ?
..
सोनिया :
"मैं तुमसे प्यार करती हूँ"..!
..
लालू :
लो.. कर लो बात..
ससुरा हम अंग्रेजी में एक सवाल का पूछ लिया... ईby
पगली तो हम पर फिदा हो गई.... 
😜😝😍😘😁😳😛
नया है यह ।।।।।।।।"

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[Sandeep Hans]

Alia Bhatt:- Agar tu bata de ki meri Tokri me kya hai. 

toh tokri k aadhe Ande tere.

Aur ye bhi batade ki Ande Kitne hai to 10 k 10 Tere.

Aur agar ye Bhi bata de ki Ande Kiske hai to ande dene wali Murgi bhi teri.

Rahul Gandhi :- Arey yaar ... Lekin koi HINT TO De De

😝😝😝😂😂😂

[Sandeep Hans]

Bengaluru Special  💁

*If you throw a stone 

randomly in Bangalore,

chances are, 

it will hit a dog or a

software engineer. 

While the dog may or 

may not have a strap  

around his neck, 

the software engineer 

will definitely have one. 😜

*In India we drive on 

the left of the road.

In Bangalore, we drive on 

what is left of the road

*Q: What is the 

easiest way of 

causing traffic

accidents in Bangalore?

A: Follow the traffic rules.

* "A guy who was

hunting 

house in Bangalore. 

Meets old lady who 

is potential landlord. 

Conversation goes thus:

Old lady: 

Where do you work, son?

Guy : I work in Infosys.

Old lady: Oh, 

that bus company! Sorry, 

we rent only to 

good IT people.

It would appear that 

Infosys operates 

more buses 

than BMTC in Bangalore"

* Bangalore, where

PG(Paying Guest) is 

the first business 

and IT, the second.

* When someone says

Its raining in Bangalore, 

be sure to ask them 

which area,

which lane and 

which road.

* If a Bangalorean stops 

at a traffic light, 

others behind him 

stop too because 

The others

conclude that 

he has spotted a 

policeman that they 

themselves have not.

*bangalore is the 

only city where 

distance is

measured in 

units of time.

*Rickhsaw driver, 

grocery seller and

common shop keeper 

thinks that you earn 

atleast 1 lakh p/month 

if you are in IT sector.

* Out of every 100 software engineers in Bangalore, 

90 are utterly frustrated 

and  rest have a gf/bf.

* Bus drivers use horns instead of  brakes

* I quote : Bangalore: 

The City where more people know Java than kannada".

* Universal answer in Bangalore is 

"Adjust maadi" 😜😜😜

Power cuts are the only time the whole family assembles together and members speak to each other. Seeing this, BESCOM has decided to have a tagline called "Connecting people by disconnecting power" 😀😆😆😂😂😂👌😜

[Sandeep Hans]

21 Photos From India That Made Everyone Laugh In 2015

1. When Flipkart ordered a product from Amazon and was caught online.

 

2. When a wise romantic couple taught how Indians should kiss in public without offending Shiv Sena.

 

3. When two dudes shared the trick of how to take an epic selfie when you can’t afford a selfie stick.

Simar Singh Pahuja/Rochak Khaitan

 

4. When a kid in school got punishment at the wrong time.

 

5. When Rakesh wished himself ‘Happy Birthday’ and showed what ‘forever alone’ means.

 

6. When Airports Authority Of India put a strict warning for people who eat carpet.

 

7. When Punjab Police had to do a round of inspection on the cheerleaders.

 

8. When Neha Dhupia wore a Gandhi Dupatta at a red carpet at IIFA.

 

9. When Sonam Kapoor won every Bengali’s heart by wearing a Kabiraji Cutlet in Cannes.

 

10. 2015 was indeed a hot year with temperature above 45 degree celsius and this dude showed us how to survive the summer.

 

11. When a desi girl visited Taco Bell for the first time. Pranaam…

 

12. Now, this has to be the most perfectly-timed photo of 2015. Did the guy in the middle fart?

 

13. When these two dudes showed the importance of ‘effective teamwork’.

 

14. And in 2015, the first batch of IIN got a placement and this is how their engineers worked…

A sidewalk only for Salman Khan. 

 

15. When RSS chief Mohan Bhagwat proved that you should never skip leg day at the gym.

Via Bollywood Gandu

 

16. When Madhya Pradesh government came up with ‘No helmet, no petrol’, this is how citizens reacted…

 

17. When Parthiv Patel trolled himself on twitter.

 

18. When Modi washed his clothes to wear them during his next foreign trip. No, this isn’t photoshopped. 

Rajesh Madan

 

19. When a dog taught humans that wearing helmet should be mandatory.

 

20. When desi Jack and Rose did their famous pose standing on a speeding train.

 

21. And when Ajay Devgan lookalike took the internet by storm…

[Sandeep Hans]

Mata Mary nu munda jaman teh bahut bahut khushiyaa…Tuhanu te tuhade parivar nu angreja de gurupurab diyan lakh lakh vadhaiya..

Baba Shri “santa claus” tuhade ghar khushiyan lai ke aan..jesus ji da khalsa jesus ji di fateh.

------

Wife was in ICU ! 

Husband was unable to control his tears .

Doctor: we are trying our best , but can't assure for anything. Her body is not reacting . It seems she is in coma. 

.

.

Husband: Doctor please save her she is merely 30 years old yet . 

.

. 

At sudden something happen miraculous ECG started rating,, a hand moves, her lips mumble, & she spoke out 

Dear i m 27 not 30 😜😜😂😂😂😆😆

----

Why is Santa Claus  always a man?

Because... 

No woman will wear the same dress year after year for same occasion😜

🎄🎅🎄🎅🎄🎅🎄🎅

[Sandeep Hans]

[Sandeep Hans]

मास्टर - पहले मुर्गी आई या अंडा?

पप्पु - सर, पहले  Blender's Pride की 2 बोतल आई, फिर एक बोतल Dew की आई, फिर चटपटे चने आए और उसके साथ ही अंडे आए

फिर मुर्गी आई , उसके साथ 2 तंदूरी रोटी आई, फिर स्वाद आया

मास्टर - बैठ जा पगले क्यु दिन मे ही मन भटका रहा है

😜😜😜

[Sandeep Hans]

[Tauseef Hussain]

spurious correlations
http://tylervigen.com/spurious-correlations

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--

Tauseef Hussain
Bhubaneswar,India
(http://issuu.com/radiumtau/docs/tauseefhussain_cv)

[Sandeep Hans]

LKG के बच्चे को इम्तहान में 0 मिला। 

पिता गुस्से से- यह क्या है? 

बच्चा- मैम के पास स्टार खत्म हो गये तो उन्होंने मून दे दिया

😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

 टीचर – हरीश बताओ, अकबर ने कब तक शासन किया था? 

हरीश -  पेज नम्बर -14 से लेकर पेज 20 तक।

😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

मास्टर: नदी में निम्बू के पेड़ से निम्बू कैसे तोड़ोगे? 

छोटू: चिड़िया बनकर! 

मास्टर: तुझे चिड़िया कौन बनाएगा? 

छोटू: जो नदी में पेड़ लगाएगा!

😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

 मैडम: बच्चो बताओ सबसे ज्यादा नशा किसमे होता है? छोटू: जी किताब में! 

मैडम: वो कैसे? 

छोटू: जी खोलते ही नींद आने लग जाती है!

😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

स्कूल के पीछे नदी में प्रिंसिपल डूब रहा था!

 सुरेश ने देखा और जोर जोर से चिल्लाते हुये भागा! . . . 

कल छुट्टी है! कल छुट्टी है!

😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

 टीचर: बच्चो, ऐसा वाक्य बनाओ जिस में उर्दू, हिंदी, पंजाबी और इंग्लिश का प्रयोग हुआ हो!

 छोटू: मैडम, इश्क दी गली विच नो एंट्री

- My friend thinks he's smart. He said onions are the only food that make you cry… So I threw a coconut at his face.

- I used to hate math

But now I realized decimals have a point

- You're living, you occupy space and have mass. What does that mean? You matter.

- I always bring 2 pairs of pants when I play golf.

Just in case I get a hole in one.

538 retweets994 likes

- My friend David had lost his ID. Now he's just Dav.

- My girlfriend left me because I couldn't stop singing Linkin Park songs...

But in the end, it doesn't even matter.

- I think my friend was built backwards

His nose runs and his feet smell

- My math teacher called me average...

How mean.

- I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her it was over I'm Ruthless.

- You'd think that atoms bonding with other atoms would mean they're being friendly, but really they steal each other's electrons.

How ionic.

- I Just rewrote history

[Sandeep Hans]

Lexophile" is a term used to describe those who are clever with words, such as "you can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish" , or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held every year in Dubuque, Iowa. The year's winning submissions:

... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

... The batteries were given out free of charge.

... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

... A will is a dead giveaway.

... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

... A boiled egg is hard to beat.

... Police were called to the daycare centre, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

... A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

... When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

... Acupuncture is a job well done. That's the point of it.

... Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.

And when they moved to a court nearby they got sentenced.

[Sandeep Hans]

टीचर :- कल होमवर्क नही किया तो मुर्गा बनाऊंगा।

छात्र :- सर मुर्गा तो मै नही खाता

मटर पनीर बना लेना।

----

me - vile parle chaloge?

Autowala - haan.

me - toh main ye rickshaw pakka samju.

----

She texted me: "Youre adorable." 

I replied: "No .YOU'RE adorable." 

Now she likes me.

All I did was point out her typo.

8,967 retweets7,959 likes

-----

[Sandeep Hans]

Girl: Mujhe i-Phone lena hai...

Boy : toh le lo....

Girl : kon si company ka lu??

Boy : Patanjali ka le. . Usme virus aur Bacteria nahi hote... 😜😝😂😂😂😂

----

[Intelligent Economic Zoke]

Two economists were arguing over economic models while walking on the road. Things were getting heated when they walked past a pile of shit. One of them saw and screamed "I'll offer you $500 million to eat that pile of shit! What does your model say to that?"

The other economist took out his model and did his calculations. The result was clear: eat! So he ate, and the first economist cut him a check.

After a few steps, both began regretting, because one of them just lost most of his net worth and the other was questioning his own life's meaning. Then they saw another pile of shit. The second economist said "I'll give you $500 million to eat that pile of shit! What does your model say to that?"

The first economist took out his model and did his calculations, and like the first time, the result was clear: eat! So he ate, and got his money back. The second economist got some satisfaction of balance out of this.

Then both began to cry: neither gained anything, but they both ate shit. How could this be?

They went back to their professor and asked. The professor began crying, and through tears he says, "I thank you on behalf of our country! All you did was eat two piles of shit and our GDP increased by $1 billion!"

[Sandeep Hans]

Learning from Bollywood!

[Sandeep Hans]

Food for Thought :

Cutting down on Rajma Chawal, Chole Bhature and Mooli Ke Parathe might bring down air pollution by 50 % in Delhi......!! 💭

Rajma on even days n chole on odd..!!!

-------

Got the reason why India lost 1st ODI in Australia. they made odd runs on even day and it is not allowed ‪

------

Teacher- What is the formula of Water"??

Student-H2OHNO3CaCO3Ca2SnMgClNaClTnHgNiHCl

Teacher-What is this

Student- This is corporation water"

[Sandeep Hans]

[Sandeep Hans]

ट्रेन में पढ़ी जाने वाली किताबे...

1AC - बिज़नेस मैगज़ीन.

2AC - शेल्डन, ब्रुक्स.

3AC - चेतन भगत,ओशो.

Sleeper - क्रिकेट सम्राट , मनोरमा.

General - बंगाल का काला जादू , 

प्रेमीका का बदला , लड़की पटाने के तरीके , खौफनाक हवेली, खूंखार रात, बेवफा से बदला लेने के 101 तरीके..

----

😝Once, a Bengali Babu went to Ghalib to learn Shayari..

Ghalib Sahib asked the Bengali babu to repeat after him:

"Na Gila Karte hai

Na Shikwa Karte hai... 

Tum Salaamat Raho is duniya me ,

Yahi Dua Karte hai"

The Bengali Babu repeated:

"Na Geela    Korta hai,

Na Sukha     Korta hai.... 

Tum Saala,    Mat Raho is Duniya me , 

Yehi Dua Korta hai"

Ghalib fainted !   😝 😂😂

----

“Wife - हर संडे जो तुम मछली पकड़ने जाते हो ना !

Husband - (झिझकते हुए)  हां-हां तो ?

Wife - वो मछली आज आई थी और कह रही थी वो मां बनने वाली है !"

😂😂😁😂😂😁😂😂😁

----

पति - मेरे सीने में बहुत दर्द हो रहा हैं, जल्दी से एम्बुलेंस के लिए कॉल लगाओ..😓

पत्नी - हाँ,लगाती हूँ, अपने मोबाईल का पासवर्ड बताओ..😌

पति - रहने दो, अब थोडा ठीक लग रहा हैं ।।।

😜😜😜😂😂😂😂😂...!!!

[Sandeep Hans]

[Sandeep Hans]

U.P. की एक घटना

लडकी : सुनो..

लडका : 😐

लडकी : हम तुम्हे बहुत चाहते है|

लडका : 😐

लडकी : आइ लव यु

लडका : 😐

लडकी : हम तुमसे प्यार करते है

लडका : 😐

लडकी : Kiss do na..

लडका : 😐

लडकी : साले बोल काहे नही रहे हो! 😕

लडका : तोहार इश्क के चक्कर मे हम रजनीगंधा

थुक दई का!

-------------

[Sandeep Hans]

10 insults that are infused with a whole lot of tehzeeb. 

You are a skin disease in which watery blisters form on the skin.

It is my wish that dogs pee outside your house every day.

You are the offspring of a lazy, stupid person.

Does this road belong to your father?

My hand is anxious to redden your cheek.

You are an ulcer resulting from piles.

You are a tumour on the world.

Talk nicely, or my shoe might become your crown.

You will die.

My foot is in your butt's destiny

[Debarati Bhattacharya]

ROFL at the 'Tehzeeb' wali message :) 

Made my day !

--

[Sandeep Hans]

Thank You Debarati for the appreciation. Your appreciation made my day.

कल रात bar में बैठे-बैठे मैंने सोचा

शराब छोड़ दूँ

फिर याद आया...

नशे में निर्णय लेना ठीक नही...

-------

During Maths Lec

Sir- u..tell me..wats the value of X???

.

.

.

Student- sir.😢..jaan thi wo meri

😂😂😂😂😜😜😜

[Ashwini Ratnoo]

Onu keh theek haan

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAqGAk2AJV4

[Ashwini Ratnoo]

This can make Om Puri's day, Provided he subscribes to Punjabi Totay ;)

[Sandeep Hans]

And you made everyone's day! :)

Teacher : Name 7 different type of Cheese.

Banta : 

1. Ricotta 

2. Cottage

3. Mozarella 

4. Cheddar

5. Swiss blue 

6. Bekhudi

7. Zindagi

Teacher : Wait a minute, what is 'Bekhudi' and 'Zindagi'?

Banta : Hosh walon ko khabar kya, 'Bekhudi' kya cheese hai. Ishq kijiye phir samjhiye, 'Zindagi' kya cheese hai....

[Sandeep Hans]

एक भिखारी ने एक घर के दरवाजे पर दस्तक

दी। एक 37-38 साल की महिला ने

दरवाज़ा खोला।

भिखारी : “एक रोटी दे दो।”

महिला: “शर्म नहीं आती, इतने हट्ठे-कट्ठे हो,

कुछ काम-धाम क्यों नहीं करते?”

भिखारी : “मैडम, आप भी तो इतनी सुन्दर गोरी-चिट्टी हैं,

गजब का फ़िगर है, उम्र भी ज्यादा नहीं है।

आप मुंबई जाकर हीरोइन क्यों नहीं बन जातीं?”

महिला : “ज़रा ठहरो, मैं अभी तुम्हारे लिए

बर्गर ओर कॉफ़ी बना के लाती हूँ।”😝😝😝😝😝😜😜😝🌺

---------------------

संता की तपस्या से खुश होकर भगवान बोले, "वर मांगो वत्स....वर ।।       

     

संता - प्रभु जैसा आप सोच रहे हैं मैं वैसा नहीं हूँ। मुझे.....वधु चाहिए....वधु ।।

😆😆😆😂😂😂😂

------------------

Timmy: I'm Hungary, 

Mum: Why don't you Czech the fridge. 

Timmy: OK I'm Russian to the kitchen. 

Mum: Hmmm.. may be you'll find some Turkey. 

Timmy: Yeah but its all covered in Greece. yuck! 

Mum: There is Norway you can eat that. 

Timmy: I know, I guess I'll just have a can of Chile 

Mum: Denmark your name on the can. 

Timmy: Kenya do it for me? 

Mum: OK, I'm Ghana do it. 

Timmy: Thanks, i'm so tired Iran for an hour today 

Mum: It Tokyo long enough. 

Timmy: yeah Israelly hard sometimes...😜😜😀

[payal ratnoo]

That's like a smart husband😎*:-

पति-पत्नि में झगड़ा हो रहा था।

पत्नि: मैं पूरा घर संभालती हूँ.. किचन संभालती हूँ.. बच्चों को संभालती हूँ.. तुम क्या करते हो ?

पति: मैं खुद को संभालता हूँ.... तुम्हारी नशीली आँखें देखकर..

बीवी: आप भी ना ....चलो बताओ आज क्या बनाऊँ आपकी पसंद का

--

[Ashwini Ratnoo]

Thanks 😉

[Sandeep Hans]

Some One Liners to make you Smile.😊

Q: What do you call two fat people having a chat? 

A: A heavy discussion.

Q: Why did the tomato turn red?

 A: It saw the salad dressing!

Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalized? 

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes.

Q: What did the triangle say to the circle? 

A: You’re pointless!

Q: What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? 

A: Trouble.

Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter? 

A: I better not tell you, it might spread.

Q: Why was the math book sad? 

A: Because it had too many problems.

Q: Why can't a leopard hide? 

A: Because he's always spotted! 

Q: Why did the barber win the race? 

A: Because he took a short cut. 

One More...

Q: Can February March? 

A: No. But April May.

-----------------

A math professor is using an unproven result; a student objects, but the professor says the result is trivial. Another student says he doesn't see it. OK -- the professor will demonstrate. He writes down the equations, simplifies them, and then stops. He's stuck. The whole class chimes in.  

They try one thing after another. Finally one students says, "There is an implicit delta function. Can't we evaluate it?" Ah, yes. The professor proceeds. 

Then he gets stuck again.  Finally another student says, "I think we can apply Zorn's Lemma."  Yes! He does that. 

Only eight lines later he writes "Q.E.D."

He stands back and says, "See -- I told you it was trivial."

[Sandeep Hans]

लड़की: तुम क्या काम करते हो ? 

लड़का: Actually i was Working for Times of India in Delhi....पर कुछ दिन पहले ही job छोड़ी है .

लड़की : क्यों?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

लड़का : अरे पगली कोण इतनी ठण्ड में पेपर डालने जायेगा  !

 

😂😂😂😂

5 years back when I went to temple, 

it was written 

"Mobile Phones Prohibited ". 

2 years back it was changed as 

"Keep your mobile switched off". 

Last year it was changed as 

"Keep your mobile in Silent mode". Yesterday when I went, it is changed as :

"If you wish to take a Selfie with Lord, 

please pay Rs.500 at the Counter "...

😂😜😝

[Sandeep Hans]

पलट दूँगा सारी दुनिया मैं ए खुदा,

बस रजाई में से निकलने की ताकत दे दे...

😴😴😂😂😂

Lower class - Biskut

Middle class - Biskit

Upper class - Cookies

Lower class - tamaatar

Middle class - Ta'may'to

Upper class - Toh'mah'toh

Lower class - Lifafa

Middle class - En've'lope

Upper class - On'vo'lup

Lower class - Nimbu Paani/Shikanji

Middle class - Lemonade

Upper class - Virgin Mojito

Lower class - "Pant"

Middle class - Jeans

Upper class - Denims

Lower class - Chasma

Middle class - Goggles

Upper class - Shades 

----------------

Hyderabadi mothers...

Mom : Beta where are u now? Its 1.00 A.M. na beta come home fast!

Son : whos dis ??

Mom : Arre o murde!! zaleel kaha hai re tu? itti raat hogayi na, kidar marra re. awara gardi karte . jaldi ghar ku aa..😡

Son : aji ammi tum hai 😳

itti izzat se baat karre to mai samjha ki ABBA dusri shadi karliye  😜Abhi aaroo 😂😂😂😂😂

[Sandeep Hans]

When Bollywood Was Young. Take A Guess.

[Sandeep Hans]

जज : तुम्हारा जुर्म साबित हो चूका है,,, कल तुम्हे फांसी पे चढ़ाया जायेगा....

बनिया  : वो तो ठीक है,,,, लेकिन उतारा कब जायेगा,,, दूकान भी तो खोलनी है..

😎😂😝😛

पत्नी : मेरी शराफत देखो ..

मैंने तुम्हे देखे बिगर ही शादी कर ली ...

पती : और मेरी शराफत देखो....

मैंने देख कर भी इन्कार नहीं किया....

😝😝😝😝😝😝

..........................................

पत्नी : फोन पे इतनी धीमी आवाज में किससे बात कर रहे हो ?

पती : बहन है..!

पत्नी : तो फिर इतनी धीमी आवाज में किस लिए?

पती : तेरी है, इस लिए .. 

😰😰😂😂😂

..........................................

पत्नी : सुनो जी, अगर आपके बाल इसी रफ़्तार से झड़ते रहे तो मैं तुम्हे तलाक़ दे दूँगी!!

पती: या अल्लहा, और मैं पागल इनको बचानेकी कोशिश कर रहा था.....

☺😝😱😏

..........................................

पत्नी : तुम सारी दुनिया ढूँढो, तो भी मुझ जैसी दूसरी नहीं मिलेगी .....

पती : तुम क्या समझती हो? मैं दूसरी भी तुम्हारी जैसी ढुँढूगा ..! हद्द हो गयी..

😛😜😂😝😛

..........................................

टॅक्सीवाला :- 

"साहब, ब्रेक फेल हो गई है, गाड़ी रूकती ही नहीं है, क्या करू?"

सवारी :- "पहले तू मीटर बंद कर दे.!" 

😂😂😝😂😂

..........................................

जगजीत सिंग गा रहे थे -  "ये दौलत भी ले लो, ये शौहरत भी ले लो.."

Suddenly Santa stands up & says - मैं तो बहोत परेशान हूँ, मेरी तो औरत भी ले लो....

😜😂😛😝😂😜

..........................................

तूफानी बारिश आधी रात

एक आदमी  Pizza Hut से पिज़्ज़ा लेने गया 

पिज़्ज़ावाला:- आप शादीशुदा हो ??

आदमी:- साले, ऐसे तूफान में कौनसी माँ अपने बेटे को पिज़्ज़ा लाने भेजेगी..

🍪🍪🍪

........................................

.......................................

भिकारी (कार में बैठी सेठानी से): 

"मैडम, १० रूपया दे दो.!" 

मैडम ने पैसे दे दिये... . . भिकारी जाने लगा तभी .. . . 

मैडम बोली :- बाबा, दुआ तो देते जाओ ..!

भिकारी :- BMW में तो बैठी हो मोटी, अब क्या ...रॉकेट में बैठेगी .!!"  

😆😆😆😆

..........................................

TV Reporter ने  एक जख्मी से पूछा :

जब बॉम्ब गिरा तो क्या वो जोरसे गिरा ?

जख्मी गुस्से मे:

नहीं साले, वो रेंगता हुआ मेरे पास आया और शर्मा के बोला ..... dhummm

💣💣💣

[ ➖➖➖😜😜😜➖➖➖

टीचर: - अपने पापा का नाम 

           अंग्रेजी में बोलो?

स्टूडेंट: - ब्यूटिफुल रेड अंडरवियर !

टीचर: - क्या बकवास है, 

           हिंदी में बताओ?

स्टूडेंट: - सुंदर लाल चढ्डा ।

😜😜          🎭🎭          😜😜

In Ramayana class

Teacher: the squirrel got its 3 stripes because Rama affectionately ran his fingers on its back

Tarle student  : dont bluff sir, if that is the case then Sita should look like a zebra

😂😂😂😂😂

[Sandeep Hans]

Normal person: Aj idli sambhar khaya Food blogger: Had steamed lentil and rice breads with spicy vegetable broth stew

------

नौकरी के आर्डर में लिखा था कि सरकार की तरफ से आपको क्वार्टर मिलेगा, और हम इतने भोले थे कि Joining के दिन सुबह नमकीन लेकर ऑफिस पहुँच गये

- For Harry Potter Fans

This is a STOP SINE

[Abhinav Agrawal]

--

[Sandeep Hans]

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[Sandeep Hans]

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[Sandeep Hans]

Drunk Santa Singh farts loudly in a restaurant.

The man at the next table gets very angry and says, "Excuse me, you have no decency. You farted before my wife"

Santa: "Sorry, I did not know it was her turn!!!!!!"

[Sandeep Hans]

Yamraj : chalo apko upor jana hoga.... 

Autowala: Nehi saab udhar se return passenjer nehi milega 

----

A woman called up Lilawati hospital and asked~

"I want to know if the patient Rita Mehta in Room No 1438 is getting better??"

.

.

.

The RMO replied,

 "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days!"

.

.

.

The woman said, 

"Thank God! 

That's wonderful news!"

RMO:

" I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!"

.

.

.

Woman: 

"No...no... 

I am Rita Mehta. No one tells me anything here !"

-------

When I was trying to get my driver's license and went to the give my test for the fourth time..

I was quite famous by then n well liked too.. The driving inspector had just one question for me..

Q: If you are going at a speed of 120 km/hr on a road which a huge hill on one side n a deep pit on the other, and 2 ladies come on the opposite side.. One young n one old.. Who will you hit??

I wrote immediately that I'll hit the old lady.

As usual, I failed..

I met the inspector n asked for the reason.. He glared at me, then took a deep, calming breath n said..

"For the last time am telling u.. U'll hit the brake n not any lady!!"

[Kapil Barve]

Dear Sandy Pi,

I am not able to respond to your emails frequently. But believe me these emails full of jokes and humor brings smiles for sure :)

Keep sending them !

--
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--

Regards,
Kapil Barve
+91 - 9535663481

[Niranjan Biswal]

Really it is wonderful.

Dr Niranjan Biswal, PhD (Chemistry) 

Postdoctoral Fellow, Prof. Yaron Paz's Group 

The Wolfson Department of Chemical Engineering, Technion-IIT

Email: niranj...@gmail.com & nira...@tx.technion.ac.il

Phone no.:9861594051 & 0558989622

Websites:http://pygroup.net.technion.ac.il/groupmembers/current-memebers/ and https://scholar.google.co.il/citations?user=Sozw2X4AAAAJ&hl=en

https://www.timeshighereducation.co.uk/carousels/top-10-universities-producing-nobel-prizewinners?nopaging=1

OM LAXMI NARAYAN NAMAH

A GREAT AND GOOD HUMAN BEING IS THE BEST LIVING THING IN THE WORLD. 

“Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.”― William Shakespeare

“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”― Mahatma Gandhi

[Jyothish Soman]

Thanks Sandy, aapke do vachan hamari phd zindagi me hasi ka swad de jaati he.

[Sandeep Hans]

1985-

भाई doctor का घर कहाँ है?

यहाँ से आगे 2 km दूर है चलो छोड़ देता हूँ।

1995 -

भाई doctor का घर कहाँ है?

आगे जाकर left hand पर दूसरा मकान।

2005-

भाई doctor का घर कहाँ है?

कौन सा doctor?

यहाँ गली में बहुत सारे हैं, नाम क्या है?

2015-

भाई doctor का घर कहाँ है?

आगे जाकर किसी भी घर मे घुस जाओ, कोई न कोई doctor मिल जाएगा।

2025- 

भाई doctor का घर कहाँ है?

अरे पागल, doctor के पास घर होता है क्या? यहाँ पूल के नीचे जितने भी सोए हैं सब doctor  हैं, .

-----

Santa calls📞 an ambulance because his mate Banta had been hit by a car......

Santa: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.

'Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Santa: 'Outside 28 Connaught Place .

'Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'

Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute...

Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More heavy breathing and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'  This goes on for another few minutes until....

Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Santa: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell Connaught place, so I just dragged him round to Minto road ....tussi Minto Road de spelling note karo.

---------

Doctor : Aap ki ek kidney fail ho gayi hai..

Santa pehle to bohat roya, phir aansu ponchhte huwe

 Kitne number se ?? 

------------

Santa sharab pite pite rone laga...

Banta : Kya hua ro Q rahe ho?

Santa : Yaar jis ladki ko bhulane ke liye pee raha tha uska naam yaad nahi aa raha..

------------

Banta : Jo besan aur pakode ka hai. 

Santa : Wo kaise?

Banta : Qki jab besan SANTA hai tabhi to pakoda BANTA hai.

😣😣

--------

Teacher : Beta batao britannia tiger biscuit pe jo green dot h uska matlab kya h.?

Pappu : Iska matlab ki tiger online hai.

😂😍

-------

⚫Santa ka interview: Batao wo kaun si Aurat hain jisko 1OO% pata hota hain ki uska Husband kaha hain?

Santa ne apna  khatarnak dimag lagaya aur bola

"Vidhwa Aurat"

-----😣😣

⚫Shaadi mein Santa bahut der se khana kha raha tha...kisi ne puchha kab tak khaoge?

Santa :  Main toh khud pareshan hoon .....par card me likha hai, 

"Dinner 7-12pm"

😜😝😛😄😊😂😊

--------

Teacher : नाड़े ko english में kya kehte hai...???

Santa : P.H.D.

Teacher : Kya....???

Santa : Pyjaama Holding Device..

Teacher behosh..!

----------

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Rahul Gandhi fans. Not really knowing what a Rahul Gandhi fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for little Johnny. The teacher asked little Johnny why he has decided to be different… again. Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not a Rahul Gandhi fan.” The teacher asked, “Why aren’t you a fan of Rahul Gandhi?” Johnny said, “Because I’m a BJP supporter.” The teacher asked him why he was a BJP supporter. Little Johnny answered, “Well, my mom is a BJP supporter and my Dad is a BJP supporter, so I am a BJP supporter.”

Annoyed by the answer, the teacher asked, “If your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”

With a big smile, little Johnny replied, “That would make me a Rahul Gandhi fan.”

-----------

A party was going on.

The host observed that no.of people attended exceeded much beyond the no.of people invited.

He went on to the dais and announced " Those who are from groom's side please come to the right side" . Some 20-25 people went that side.

And then he announced "those who are from bride's side please come to the left side". Some 30-35 people went that side.

Now the host took his belt in his hand started beating people on both sides.

People on both sides shouted " why are you beating us. This is insulting." 

The host said " IDIOTS  THIS is Guptaji's retirement party".

On Wed, Feb 3, 2016 at 6:53 PM, Sandeep Hans <sandee...@gmail.com> wrote:

Thank You Guys! Your mails made my day!

[Sandeep Hans]

Some breezy puns for the evening- Quite Punny👌

Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.

A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period.  It marks the end of his sentence.

A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

It's raining cats and dogs.  Well, as long as it doesn't reindeer.

I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?  Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

If you don't pay your exorcist do you get repossessed ...??

John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.

Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

I was arrested after my therapist suggested I take something for my kleptomania.

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens.  A brother is frying chips.  "Are you the friar?", he asks.  "No. I'm the chip monk", he replies.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.  The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

What's the definition of a will?  (It's a dead giveaway).

Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.

😋😂😋

[Sandeep Hans]

Punjabi:- Ye kitne ki painting hai?

Curator:- Sir 5 lacs. It is Oil painting.

Punjabi:- Tusi Paise di tension mat lo. Kuchh desi ghee mein dikhao!!!😜😂😃😀😝😛😀😃😂😜😝