Humour.
Rodney Elliott
The following information was gained through much arduous research
involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It
consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e.
relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this
are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein
to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established
below.
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it
comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're
not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.
Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to
remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question.
Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at
first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed
or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a
natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to
play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his
friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of
alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't
feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing
laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him
an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his
manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities
for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette,
making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving
him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is
important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect
male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is
extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4
inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky
stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his
laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.
Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.
Rod.
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Rodney Elliott
Did you hear about the flasher who thought of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!
What were Adam's first words to Eve?
"You better stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets!"
Rodney Elliott
A priest and a minister walked into a bar. After sitting down,
ordering, and some chit chat the priest said, "Have you noticed there
are no women in this bar?" He then realized the truth, "I think we're
in a gay bar." A man approached and tried to flirt with the priest.
The priest was dumbfounded, and didn't know what to do. The minister
leaned over and whispered something in the man's ear. The man nodded
and walked off. The relieved priest said, "Thanks. What did you tell
him?" The minister replied, "I just told him we're on our honeymoon."
Rodney Elliott
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers
are. The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can
fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the
arrow". The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is
a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet". The
third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says:
"You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He
stops working at 4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!
Rodney Elliott
A 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing
and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He
watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous, what on earth
are you doing?" She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I
have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and
jumping again. He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your
65 year-old ass?" She says, "Well, your name never came up."
Rodney Elliott
Did you hear about the blonde that was treated at the
emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds?
She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a
bungee cord.
Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a
mirror with her eyes closed?
She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.
How do you keep a blonde busy?
Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of
paper.
What did the blonde guy whose wife had twins say?
He wanted to know who the other man was................
What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.
What does the postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
Having a wonderful time. Where am I?
What do you call two blondes in a car?
Dual Airbags.
Why did the blonde take 16 friends to the movies?
Under 17 not admitted.
Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for
2 hours?
Because it said "concentrate".
Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
She heard that the drinks were on the house.
Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.
Rodney Elliott
Did you hear about the blonde that was treated at the
emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds?
She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a
bungee cord.
Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a
mirror with her eyes closed?
She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.
How do you keep a blonde busy?
Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of
paper.
What did the blonde guy whose wife had twins say?
He wanted to know who the other man was.
What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
Rodney Elliott
The visiting school inspector asks little Johnny during
Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little
Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is
not him.
The inspector, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible
knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the
whole incident.
The principal replies that he knows little Johnny as well
as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, if
little Johnny said that he did not do it, he as principal
is satisfied that it is the truth.
Even more appalled the inspector goes to the regional Head
of Education and relates the whole story. After listening
he replies: "I cannot see why you are making such a big
issue out of this; we will get three quotations and fix the
damn wall."
Rodney Elliott
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn,
she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her
question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, . . . "Is it on or off?"