Humour.
Rodney Elliott
The answers revealed <Sorry, ladies, but men had to be told>
The 5 toughest questions that women ask men and the answers...
The questions are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is
guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers
incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service,
each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been
pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful,
thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to
have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the
true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Baseball.
b. Football.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. (Perhaps
the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once
told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be
talking to you!")
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer
is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:
A. I suppose so.
B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
C. That depends on what you mean by love.
D. Does it matter?
E. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the
incorrect answers are:
A. Compared to what?
B. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
C. A little extra weight looks good on you.
D. I've seen fatter.
E. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about
how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
A. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I
would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a
Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an
hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
W: Why not, don't you like being married?
M: Of course I do.
W: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
M: Okay, I'd get married again.
W: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
M: Yes, I would.
W: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
M: Where else would we sleep?
W: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of
her?
M: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
W: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
M: Of course not, Dear. She's left-handed.
Rod.
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Rodney Elliott
NEWS FLASH
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Washington Post reported today that Monica Lewinsky recently went
to a plastic surgeon. Stung by all the jokes about being overweight,
she was thinking about having her love handles removed. However, she
decided not to go through with it after the doctor told her that
removing both ears would cause complete and total deafness.
Rodney Elliott
A cop on horseback is at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on
his bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Santa
bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Tell Santa
next year to put a taillight on that bike." The kid says, "Nice horse
you got there.
Did Santa bring that to you?" The cop says, "Yeah." The kid says,
"Well, tell Santa next year to put the dick underneath the horse,
instead of on top."
Rodney Elliott
During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to
disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied
shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." "All right," said the
physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when
you're through." In a few moments, her voice rang out in the
darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed.
What shall I do with my clothes?" "Put them on the chair, on top of
mine."
Rodney Elliott
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating
up.
But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want
you to hold me."
The husband says "WHAT??"
The wife explains that he must not be in tune
with her emotional needs as a woman.
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he
might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a Big Department
Store.
He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And
then tells his wife, " we'll take all three of them." Then goes over
and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry
Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings.
The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but
she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband
says, " But you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then
lets get it."
The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe
what is going on. She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash
register." The husband says. "no -- no -- no, honey, we're not going
to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank.
"No Honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face
gets really red and she is about to explode and then the husband says,
" You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!" --
Rodney Elliott
The college professor had just finished explaining an
important research project to his class. He emphasized that
this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his
class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses
for being late. Those were a medically certifiable
illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and
spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion,
professor?"
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When
the students had finally settled down, the professor froze
the young man with a glaring look.
"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to
write with your other hand."
Rodney Elliott
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy
in the eye and said, "I've some bad new for you ... you have the
cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character,
managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into
the waiting room.
There he saw his son who had been waiting.
Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and
celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things
aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time
to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints. After
three or four pints the two were feeling a little less sombre.
There were some laughs and more beers.
They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends
who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that
the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... He went on to tell
them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his
friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been
diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more
beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and
whispered his confusion..."Dad I thought you said that you were dying
from cancer...? You just told your friends that you were dying from
AIDS?"
Murphy said, " I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any
of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
Rodney Elliott
A priest is in the confessional giving penance one day, and he
realizes that he has to take a leak. He waves over a nearby nun and
says to her, "Sister, please deliver penance for a short while as I
must perform a necessary function."
The nun agrees, but looks a little puzzled. "Father, how will I know
what penance to give to who?"
The priest replies, "There's a little list on the wall. Consult it and
it'll tell you what to do." and he runs off.
A few minutes later, a man walks into the confessional and says,
"Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have stolen from my
neighbor."
The nun looks at the list on the wall and finds stealing on the list.
"Say two Hail Marys and be on your way." She thinks to herself, this
isn't too hard.
A few minutes later, another fellow walks in.
"Father forgive me, for I have sinned." he says. "I have fornicated."
The nun looks on the list and finds fornication. She says to him,
"Say two Hail Marys and an Our Father and be on your way."
She then starts thinking, "This isn't hard at all! I could do this
more often!"
A third man walks in and says, " Father forgive me, for I have sinned.
I had oral sex," The nun looks at the list on the wall but she can't
find a listing for oral sex. She looks around nervously and spots an
altar boy.
She pulls him aside and asks him, "What does the Father give for oral
sex?"
The boy replies, "I don't know what he gives you, Sister, but he gives
me two Snickers bars and a pat on the head."
Sue Haley
from David DCLXVI/M <DA...@zetnet.co.uk> contains these words:
> I was about to write that this was one thread where you wouldn't expect
> to see DWG - but, there you go... nothing's impossible!
Sue here...
That remark was below the belt David!!! ;-)
--
\M/
Sue sueh...@zetnet.co.uk
website http://www.users.zetnet.co.uk/suehaley/links.htm
[Laura's Cavern, Music In Motion & Myhr's Lair]
"She speaks with her hands, a beautiful language!" [Vincent]
Aonghas P MacKenzie
from Sue Haley <sueh...@zetnet.co.uk> contains these words:
> The message <48ac67a...@zetnet.co.uk>
> from David DCLXVI/M <DA...@zetnet.co.uk> contains these words:
> > I was about to write that this was one thread where you wouldn't expect
> > to see DWG - but, there you go... nothing's impossible!
> Sue here...
> That remark was below the belt David!!! ;-)
> --
> \M/
> Sue
That rather depends on whether the reference was to the raising of
legal points. <G>
APM
Rodney Elliott
Subject: Most Venomous Snake in the World
NAME: Expecteria Trouserius
LOCATION: Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly
venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood
and sub-species.
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen,
resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling
followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is
not usually fatal. It has been known to attack men in the rear
lower abdomen, resulting in an incurable disease and consequent
death.
HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in
unusual places.
ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once
the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will
ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the
body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and
ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim but
so far has not been reported to have led to any success.
MILKING THE SNAKE:
1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the
reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start
spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the
skill of the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is
not necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect will
make a wonderful pet.