It's Thursday and

[sayles]

things are definately looking up. I have wonderful people who are lending me
money. I can pay the bills and continue living.
Work was work. All 6.5 hours of it for two days. Work takes so much out of
me that I can't even write. All I can do when I get home is sit and stare
off into nothing and let my mind sort itself out.
Stan asked me to hold on one more month here. Because it's Christmas and
there's not enough time or money to do both... move and have a Christmas. I
am not having any christmas, so it doesn't occur to me that other people may
need their Christmas.
So I am (we are) in this house till Feb.1. I guess it makes more sense.
Maggie needs to finish her semester here anyway, as long as she can control
her spending and make do with the little that her Dad's willing to provide.
She says she really does want to learn to get by on her own. So in Deep
River she's going to apply for student welfare and go to a real high school
and support herself that way. Her dad will be available for her to fall back
on if she screws up. She really wants to try it on her own. She says she's
sick of living with other people... and the girls are having a tougher time
getting along these days, so I can see what she means.
We are each having our personal struggles, maybe cause of Christmas, on
their part. On mine it was money.
Well... now I have longer to decide where I want to place my home. Or find
my place or something like that. I don't think I want to live in Petawawa,
which is where I work. It's a 20 minute drive from Pembroke and the road is
really hard to follow in the dark cause the lines are not visible. If it's
snowing and dark, it's almost hopeless. That's the only drawback to
continuing to live in Pembroke. But I like Pembroke so I may just have to
work on managing the drive. Maybe get my lights fixed so they work better.
And the spring, summer and fall will be no problem. It's just the winter
drive.
Things are looking up at this end. How's your end holding up. I only have
one shift during Christmas week, may pick up more from the other girls. It's
on the 27th. So I may have free time enough to come to Ottawa and pick you
up, depending on your christmas schedule. I had been invited to Deep River
for Christmas morning breakfast, but I don't think I will go. Jess will
probably protest, but I am not going to let that influence me anymore. She's
a grown woman now and no longer my baby, so she's got some growing up to do
and I can help that by (or can I?) not worrying about her.
The family there doesn't want me in their life anyway, so why should I put
myself through that any longer. The kids are grown and on their life path. I
am close but not in their face anylonger.
Except, right now, Magg. She's still here for awhile. Letting go of each of
my kids was so hard. First Eric, then Jessy, now maggie. It hurts and makes
me cry. I guess cause I was so inept. All of them have left me wishing I
could do more and been better and smarter and I don't know if they know how
much I cared about each of them. I love my kids and hope someday that they
know I did the best I could for them at every step of the way. I just guess
my choices were not the right ones for this day and age.
They certainly haven't turned out to be for my benefit, so, in that case,
they benefited nobody. I feel so stupid sometimes, and have never had any
idea of how to fix it.
Maybe it has something to do with not having ever been parented properly
myself. My values and priorities have been all f**ed up. But she did the
best she could too.
This is turning into a missive, so I guess I should go do my laundry. It's
my day off this week and I need to clean my uniform (er.. I mean disguise).
Ta, and thank you Goodness Of Days.