Anko 3377: Even Remilia Won’t Touch Icky House-Yus

[platina]

I think house-yus are one of the most interesting new developments in
yukkuridom, but since Kiriraitaa only draws one page a week, I thought
I'd translate this recent Anko by an anonymous author. In his author
notes, he says that this is his first work although he’s been lurking
for nearly three years.

Begin TL:

Anko 3377: Even Remilia Won’t Touch Icky House-Yus

“Wow, you sure got a lot today, Remilia!”
“Uuu--Got lots and lots of sweet-sweets, do~! Remi-lia-Uu~!!”

My pet yukkuri Remilia (bodied) and I were walking home after
volunteering at our neighborhood’s monthly stray-yukkuri purge. In her
right hand, Remilia held tight to a plastic bag full of snacks that
she had received from a factory employee. Besides my Remilia, lots of
other badged predator-type yukkuris--Remilias, Flans, Yukas, Nues, and
such--helped with the extermination, and all the participants were
rewarded with snacks. Remilia loved it, and she eagerly hunted with
all her might. The only negative was that I couldn’t let her out of my
sight--one time, she got too eager and nearly took out somebody’s pet
yukkuri.

“Mister, let’s hurry home and eat sweet-sweets, do~! Remilia can
hardly wait, do~!”
“Okay, okay, calm down, we’re almost there.”

We reached the single-room eight-mat apartment on the second floor, I
unlocked the door, and one man and one yukkuri went inside. Just
then--

“Yu?”
“Huh?”
“U?”

“““...............................”””

““UWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!””
“Huh!? Whoa!!!”
“UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!! A HOUSE-YU, DO~~~~~~!!!”
“MISTER HUMAN IS HOME!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!”

Uh, allow me to clarify the situation. I opened the door, Remilia
went in first, I stepped into the entryway, and just as I was about to
take off my shoes, there, smack-dab in the middle of the room, was a
grubby, baby-yukkuri-sized Marisa bouncing along with a small bag in
her mouth. After a moment of silence, the two yukkuris started
screaming. Crying, Remilia clung to me. She was trembling, her face
buried against my stomach. On the other hand, the Marisa that Remilia
had pegged as a house-yu... she hopped away towards a chest of
drawers.

...Or rather, she still _was_ hopping--progressive tense--with all her
might.

If it really was a house-yu, I wanted to catch it ASAP, but I couldn’t
move with Remilia clinging to me. At a loss, I thought for a bit,
picked Remilia up in my arms, and kicked off my shoes, but by the time
I had gotten into the living room, it was too late--the Marisa had
disappeared behind the bureau. For the time being, I thought I’d try
to get Remilia off me.

“Look, Remilia, just let go of me already.”
“NOOOOOOOOOOO! THERE WAS A HOUSE-YU! A HOUSE YUUUUUUUUUU!!!”
“It’s gone! Or at any rate, it went someplace where you can’t see it!
And... geez, you’re heavy...”
“U~~~, Remilia’s not heavy, do~~~~~~!!!”

Actually, she weighed about 40 or 50 kilograms...

“In any case, get off me!!! We can’t get rid of it like this!!!”

At that, she spread her wings and hovered in the air, finally letting
go of me. But why was she flying?

“All right, the first thing we need to do is draw them out of hiding.
They say for every one you see, there are at least ten others. Hmm, I
remember hearing that if you set out a pile of sugar, they’ll come...
huh...?”

If there are sweet-sweets nearby, house-yus will be drawn to them even
if there are humans around, but even though I hadn’t set anything out,
a mob of house-yus was creeping out from behind the bureau. They
ranged in size from ping-pong ball to softball--about twenty of them.
I began to feel like I might cry.

“GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”
The ear-splitting scream directly behind me was my Remilia.
“Hey, pipe down! You’ll bother the neighbors!!!”
“UWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

She wasn’t listening to me at all. The twenty house-yus were observing
her, and one of the Marisas spoke up.

“Just as I thought, ze! This Remilia is scared of Marisa the Great,
ze!“

Those words sparked excited cries of “Yuu yuu” from the other house-
yus.
On the other hand, Remilia was up in the air, cowering in a corner,
pulling the brim of her hat over her face with both hands. Up until a
short time ago, she had been exterminating stray yukkuris, so to be
afraid of house-yus... what was going on?

“Hey! Shitty old geezer!!!”
“H-Huh? What?”
While my thoughts were on Remilia, the Marisa suddenly called out to
me, and flustered, I turned to her. I could’ve sworn she had just
called me something really rage-inducing...

“Remilia’s slave-geezer should bring Marisa the Great sweet-sweets
now, ze!!!”
“Wha... huh!?”
“Even Remilias fear them! Marisa and her clan are the strongest house-
yus in the world, ze!!!”
“Yupupu, if you make Reimu and her family angry, you’ll be sorry! So
if you don’t want to get hurt, bring sweet-sweets now!”
““““Bwing shweet-shweets now, shitty geezer!””””

Apparently, after seeing Remilia frightened of them, the house-yus
were under the misconception that they were stronger than predator-
types. And since they had been watching me and Remilia at home for a
long time, they somehow thought that I was her servant.

“Marisa herself didn’t realize it, ze... Who’d’ve thought that Marisa
was mighty enough to frighten even a Remilia...”
“Really, we were such fools to live in fear all this time!”
“Now we can take it nice and easy!”
““““““““Chake it eajy!!!””””””””

Such simple-minded creatures... but it was true that Remilia was
acting strangely today. Why was she so scared?

“Jeez, what’s wrong, Remilia? You just helped out with the stray-
yukkuri extermination today! You’ve killed lots of big yukkuris,
haven’t you? So why are you so afraid of tiny little house-yus?”
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NO HOUSE-YUUUUUUUUUUUS!!!”

The moment they heard that Remilia had been exterminating stray
yukkuris, the house-yus jumped, but seeing her reaction, they regained
their confidence.
“Yuhehe, it looks like the yukkuris outside are nothing to worry
about, either!”
“Then Reimu and her clan might as well conquer the world!”
“All the sweet-sweets in the world will belong to Marisa, ze!!!”
“Yu! No fair, Marisa, give some to Reimu, too, okay!!!”
“Marisa will refresh with the most beautiful yukkuris in the world!!!”
“““““All the shweet-shweets in the world! All the shweet-shweets!””””

Damn, this band of idiots is noisy... Maybe I should squish them first
and talk to Remilia later.

“But... Bu~~~~t.....”

Oh? Sounds like Remilia is ready tell me.

“But house-yus... are... SO ICKY, DO~~~!!!”
“Huh....?”
“Yu...?”

“They’re filthy! And smelly! And they look all slimy! And they eat
ticks and things! They’re definitely covered with germs! No--maybe
they _are_ germs! Germs! Not yukkuris, they’re germs! I wouldn’t
touch them even with gloves on! I don’t even want to breathe the same
air as them! But Mister seems to be all right, so hurry up and kill
them, do~! Kill them, okay? Kill them! Please kill them!
PLEEEEEEEEASE!!!”
“Wow...”
“““““““““““““““““““““..........””””””””””””””””””””

How can I put it... for just a second, I felt a tiny bit of sympathy
for the house-yus... And, judging from the way she was speaking, she
even forgot she was a Remilia, didn’t she? She went back to normal at
the end, though.

““““““““““YUUUUUUUU? WHAT IS SHE SAYING!?!?!? MARISA (REIMU) IS NOT A
GERM!!!!!!””””””””””
““““““““““WEIMU (MAWISHA) IJN’T ICKYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!””””””””””
The house-yus that had frozen for a moment started screaming as if
some seal had been broken.

“SHADDUP! DROP DEAD! DROP DEAD NOW! DIE DIE DIE!!! YOU ICKY WORTHLESS
_THINGS_ DON’T BELONG ON THIS EARTH!” DIE! DIE NOW! MAY YOUR BONES
SHATTER TO BITS!!!”
In contrast, Remilia... even I, as her owner, had never heard her
curse someone so thorougly. Who did she think she was, a Flan? (LOL)
And that last part (heh)--yukkuris don’t even have bones (LOL)--I was
the one who taught her that phrase, though.

“Mister! Don’t just stand there, do~!!! Want you to hurry up and KILL
THEM, DO~~~~~~~~~!!!”
“Okay, okay... I get it, so stop screaming, you’ll bother the neigh--
well, you probably already have.”

I put on the rubber gloves that I had worn during the purge and
approached the house-yus, a plastic bag in one hand.

“YUUUUUUUUUUUU!!! Now Marisa is really mad!!! First I’ll beat up the
slave, then I’ll punish that Remilia, ze!!!”

That Marisa bursting with rage--probably the same one we saw when we
came home--she bounced towards me furiously. But her hops were only
about two centimeters, so it was faster for me to go to her than to
wait for her to reach me.

(Well, guess I’ll let them put up a little fight for a while...)

In that spirit, I held out the back of my hand to Marisa, and as
expected, she started bouncing off it.

“Yuhehe, let’s see how you take the Almighty Marisa’s Super Ultra
Miracle Gorgeous Dynamite Attack, ze!!!”

In spite of the long name, all she was doing was hurling her body at
my hand, so with our difference in physique, it didn’t hurt or even
itch. After ten hits, apparently tired, she took a break, panting,
then resumed her blows. Each time she hit me, all the house-yus behind
her let out a cheer. I could hear Remilia howling, and I waved my left
hand at her to soothe her.

After two or three minutes of my lying on the floor and letting Marisa
throw herself at me, take a break, then attack again, she collapsed,
panting “Yuhiiii, yuhiiii.”
“Yuhiii... yuhiii... H-how’s that... ze? Bet you... can’t... move...
ze...”

Right when she finished speaking, I yawned.

“Yu... Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!?”
““““““““““WHY IS HE TAKING IT EASYYYYYY!?!?””””””””””
““““““““““HOW COME HE’S WEACTING WIKE THAT!?!?””””””””””
“Well, after all, could this be any more boring?”
“Yuhe...?”
“You guys are fated to die, so I’m just letting you play one last game
before you die.”
“Yu... Yu-....... YUWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! DON’T MESS WITH MARISA,
ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!”

Provoked, she started attacking me again, but her exhaustion must have
been building--after four or five blows, she collapsed and was still.
She got back up again, but she didn’t have the energy to hop--she just
leaned against my hand, gasping and wheezing. Behind her, the other
house-yus’ cheers had turned to jeers--things like, ”What are you
doing? Hurry up and take him down!” “Don’t take it easy, just do it!
Reimu hates scum!” ““““Huwwy up and do it, shcum Mawisha!””””
As for Remilia, she was still huddled in the corner, but she was
looking at me with annoyance. She was probably wondering why I hadn’t
killed them yet.

Hm, about time for me to make my move.

“Did you get it all out of your system?”
Pant... wheeze... “--Yu?”

With my left hand, I picked up the Marisa leaning against me and
promptly tossed her into the plastic bag.
“It’s like flying in the--YUBEH!!!”

“You guys are going in here, too.” I got up and faced the nineteen
remaining house-yus.

“YUGYAAAAAAAAAAH! DON’T COME THIS WAAAAAAAAAY!!!”
“Stop it, okay? Don’t be mean, okay? YAAAAAAAAH!!! DON’T THROW MARISA
IN THE BAAAAAAAG!!!!!!”
“Reimu will puff! PUFFFFFFFFFFFFFF... WHY AREN’T YOU SCARED!?!?!?!?”
““““““““““CAN’T CHAKE IT EAJYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!”””””””””

Grab, grab--I picked up the house-yus as if I was gathering chestnuts
and put them in the bag. Finally, there was only one left.

“Sorry... Sorry... Marisa won’t say “geezer” or “slave” ever again...
I’ll do anything you say... just please, spare only me......” With big
tears rolling down her face, she pleaded with me to try to save
herself.
“You’ll do anything I say?”
“Marisa will do anything you say! If you say ‘Get out,” I’ll
go! ...Yu! If you want me to clean the house before I go, I’ll do it!”
“In that case, stay there and let me catch you.”
“Yu...” (::GRAB!::) “YUAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” (::TOSS::)

“Okay, that’s all of them!”
With all the house-yus caught, I stood by the bureau.
“Hey, Remilia, I’m going to kill them now.”
“Uuuuuuu... Mister is taking too long, do~...”
“That’s how I roll. When I can spare the time, I like to give them a
little freedom, then really plunge them into the depths of despair.
You enjoy this, too, don’t you? (LOL)”
“But just this once, Remilia wanted Mister to do it quick, do~...”

I didn’t think the house-yus could climb out, but I closed the bag
anyway... after all, it would make a big mess if their bean paste
splattered out.

“All righty then... You guys hear me in there?” I addressed the house-
yus sobbing “Yugu-yugu-” inside the bag.

“Yugu... Mister human... please forgive Marisa... Marisa is sorry for
attacking you...”
“Ah, sorry, but I don’t want to hear it.”
“Yu...?”
“I told you, didn’t I? That you were fated to die.”
“Yu... Yuuuuuuuu...”
“Honestly, your luck ran out the moment I spotted that certain Marisa.
After all, if I hadn’t seen her, I never would have known there were
house-yus here. And it was that Marisa’s misunderstanding that made
all of you come out, too. Actually, from my point of view, I’m glad--
you saved me a lot of trouble.”
“Yu... Yuyu........?”
“Thanks, Almighty Marisa the Great! (LOL)”

“YUGYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, YOU SHITTY MARISAAAAAAAAA!!!”
“NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU HADN’T BEEN SLOPPY AND GONE
TO GET THAT MISTER CANDYYYYYYYY!!!”

Oh, so that little bag in her mouth--that was candy.

“THIS IS YOUR FAULT! IT’S AAAAAAAAAAALL YOUR FAULT!!!”
“ONLY YOU SHOULD HAVE DIED!!!” “IF ONLY YOU WEREN’T HERE,
MARISAAAAAA!!!”
““““““““““ONWY MAWISHA SHOULD DWIIIIIIIIIIE!!!””””””””””
“YU... YUA... AAAAAAAAAAAAAH.....”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU SHITHEADS!!!!!!”

““““““““““““““““““““““YUHII--!!!””””””””””””””””””

“Now you’re ALL gonna die! I’ll bet behind the bureau, it’s COVERED
with your piss and shit! Defiling my apartment like that...YOU DESERVE
IT!!!”
Still holding the bag, I raised my right arm over my head--

““““““““““NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!””””””””””

--aimed for the bureau where they used to live--

““““““““““SSSSSTOOOOOOOPPPPPP!!!!!!!!””””””””””

--and SLAM!

*SBBBBLLLLOOOORRRRRRT!*

““““““““““““““““““““““Yubyu......!!!””””””””””””””””””

* * *

Sigh.

The next day, I cleaned my apartment. Especially around the bureau.

First I vacuumed all over, then I took down all the stuff on the
bureau, dusted off the accumulated dust, dragged it forward enough for
a person to fit behind, and now I was trying to clean up the hellish
leavings of the house-yus. It was... words can’t even begin to
describe it. Apparently they didn’t know the meaning of the word
“restraint.” (Well, after all, they _are_ yukkuris.)

Their pee and poop staining the carpet were sugar water and bean
paste, so they had dried into a crust that was hard to get off. What’s
more, it gave off a sickeningly sweet smell that assaulted my
nostrils.

“Guess it’s true that they stink... Hey, Remilia?”

Remilia was out on the narrow balcony under a parasol.

“U~? Mister, is it done?”
“Not yet. Would you bring me that mask by the CD rack?”
“U~! Remilia doesn’t want to come inside yet, do~!!!”
(Darn you! Do you have any idea how much trouble you caused me
yesterday?)

Remilia had screamed her lungs out the whole time the house-yus were
around. There was no way the neighbors wouldn’t come down on me for
it... After finishing off the house-yus, just when I had calmed down,
I realized my doorbell was ringing. “Oh, no,” I thought. Scared, I
opened the door, and... I’m sure you can imagine what happened.

Apparently they had been ringing my doorbell for a full five minutes--
I can’t imagine how I could’ve missed hearing it (LOL). Of course I
prostrated myself, apologized profusely, and explained what had
happened. Fortunately, my frequent participation in the stray-yukkuri
purges had earned me a lot of goodwill in the neighborhood, and they
were willing to let it go this time.

“Please, Remilia? I’ll let you eat _two_ puddings today.”
“Uuuuuuu~... All right, do~.”

Remilia reluctantly came inside and brought me the entire basket the
mask was in. I took it, and she went right back out to the balcony,
put up her parasol, and gazed outside.

About Remilia’s reason for being so afraid of house-yus--a while back,
there had been a special report on TV about house-yus, and Remilia had
watched it. It was mostly about how unclean they were and how much
trouble they caused, but at one point, a female TV presenter was
crouched down in a kitchen and a number of greasy house-yus
accidentally fell onto her head. Apparently Remilia had been
traumatized by seeing the screaming TV presenter. She said she had
retreated into the air because she didn’t want them on her head or
face. Well, under normal circumstances, even if you were standing,
they couldn’t get to your face, but she probably would have panicked
even if they just climbed on her foot.

* * *

It took me half a day to finish everything. I wiped down the pee- and
poop-stained carpet, the wall, and the back of the bureau. To keep the
house-yus from returning, I even vacuumed the crevices behind the TV
and bookshelves, then moved the furniture back. Just in case, I set
out dishes of sugar in the kitchen and the closet, but evidently the
house-yus I had killed were the only ones in my apartment. With that,
I was done.

“Whew... I’ve had enough of house-yus...”
“U~, agreed, do~...”

One man and one yukkuri slumped over their table. Remilia hadn’t
helped with the cleaning, but since she was naturally nocturnal, being
out on the sunny balcony all day had been hard on her. When we help
out at purges, even in winter, if the sunlight is strong, she wears a
broad-brimmed straw hat and spreads sunscreen all over her body.

“Miiiister... puuuding...”
“Come to think of it, we haven’t eaten anything yet today...”

Even so, I didn’t have the energy for proper cooking, so our first
meal of the day was cup ramen and pudding. As I had promised, Remilia
got two puddings.

“U~♪ It’s pudding, do~!♪”
“Unbelievable--all it takes is pudding to cheer you up...”

I stared at my ramen cup, waiting for the hot water to cook the
noodles.

“After I eat this, I’m going to bed.”
“Remilia will sleep with Mister~”
“Okay, okay.”

Too many things had happened yesterday and today... time to call it a
day. Tomorrow would be Sunday--a day off. There’d be time enough to
play with Remilia tomorrow.

* * *

To all of you who don’t clean your homes regularly--before this
happens to YOU, why not leave out a dish of sugar and see if you have
house-yus?

[MET]

thanks for the translation Platina, it was a quite interesting story.

It seems that even if only house yu remains while the rest of the
yukkuris stop existing, we'll still have to deal with shitheads.

[Coloris]

On 18 Mai, 19:01, platina <nachonana...@gmail.com> wrote:
>
> To all of you who don’t clean your homes regularly--before this
> happens to YOU, why not leave out a dish of sugar and see if you have
> house-yus?

thinking about my room cleaning habbit, there should be a whole
civilization by now in my room ^_^"

[Gourry]

This was a funny story. So house-yus are cockroaches or rats that can
talk?

[Nell Speed, Final Girl]

> Super Ultra Miracle Gorgeous Dynamite Attack

Comedy genius.

Thanks so much for translating this, Platina!

[starshine]

Pretty great story, thanks for translating!

Leaving a bowl of sugar out though? Nice job, hope you like ants!

[yukiyuzen]

Isn't that what yukkuris are in general?

> ...
>
> read more »

[Fragtagonal]

40 or 50 kilograms
88 pounds for a friggen yukkuri?
you kiddin me?

[Atzumo Kayami]

That's funny, because I'm 20 and weight 52 kilos. Also, I'd like to
see some nice and clean house-yu for a change. They'll be awesome to
keep as pets for people with little space on their houses

[Fragtagonal]

Are you a yukkuri?

[Atzumo Kayami]

Maybe

[yukiyuzen]

Shes a bodied yukkuri! KILL THE UNEASY THING!

[Fragtagonal]

I'm with yukiyuzen.