Suggestions for haiku and song Loving Spark for Curt from Jill

[jill stockinger]

Daer Curt,

In the haiku about tea parties- you might Capitalize Sister if "using" it as a name.

I found your song a little comical but I think it fits the mold of a country song!

I especially like the chorus if you change “life” to “love.” I think it makes it better. 

And I suggested a few other changes to consider. Jill

 

Loving Spark-A Ballad

 

I lost the words to make things right   (to—maybe?)

As you slipped into the dark of night

Leaving your essence here to haunt me  (maybe: but your essence stayed and haunts me;

I will never be free.   (much stronger! more Direct!)

 

Chorus

Come back from the dark

Bring me that spark

Of love I need   (makes for a better ballad, I think!)

This I plead, oh, this I plead.

 

Without you, there is only heartache here

I hold nothing except fear   (Better?? Or not!)

I beg of you, please give us a chance

You left me dying, in a trance.              (I like this better. What do you think?)

 

Chorus

Come back from the dark

Bring me that spark

Of love I need

This I plead, oh, this I plead.

 

Give me a chance to explain to you

All the things I need to undo   (plainer, simpler, Covers more. Thoughtlessness too minor)

Let’s fix what broke between me and you

Let’s try again, let’s begin anew.  (A LITTLE less stilted??)

 

Chorus

Come back from the dark

Bring me that spark

Of love I need

This I plead, oh, this I plead.

 

Bring me that spark I need

This I plead, oh, this I plead.

 

Lyrics by Curt Nelson