Poem 2 for Thursday December 19 2024 Haiku 144 Gray day, then black storm Jill

[jill stockinger]

Here's a haiku I wrote today. Jill

For discussion Thursday, Dec. 14, 2024.

Jill Stockinger

 

Haiku 144

 

Gray day, then black storm:

lightning hits the largest oak.

BANG! The earth shudders.

 

 

A question: Do you think CRASH!

is better than BANG?

 

I liked BANG better because it's just the SOUND, reverberating,

while CRASH TELLS the reader VERY explicitly what happened,

doesn't let the reader make that Small jump to the meaning

by themselves.

Jill

[Nedra Crowe Evers]

I think BANG is better. Bang is pure sound; crash involves an object, usually the destruction of that object. True, you did mention an oak, but you didn't say whether it fell after being struck or not. So it sounds like you are describing the sound of the tree being struck, not the tree falling. In that case, keep bang. Crash would apply only if the oak fell. 

Nedra

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[Nedra Crowe Evers]

Or you could come up with an entirely different word: boom, smash, crack, blam, or make up a sound. Personally, I like crack for the sound the best, but it's your choice.

Nedra