Enjoyed Jerry's I'D RATHER BE FISHING! Made a few suggestions Jill

[jill stockinger]

                                                    I'D RATHER BE FISHING (This title gives away the great ending, so you lose the pleasing element of surprise! I’d name it something else:

When I Worry   or When Worries Come- or ANYTHING but I’d Rather be Fishing! Jill

 

I am becoming more aware; (The whole poem feels stronger without the first 2 lines, I think!)

slowly it is sinking in. (small s on slowly)

I catch myself worrying a lot.  (Great as a first line-Grabs the reader!)

Nothing escapes my purview.

It's my default pastime, (pastime one word)

the go-to place in my head

where I spin stories of doubt and fear.

 

Will I have enough money?

What if I get sick?

Am I losing my memory?

Am I a good enough husband, father,

grandfather, brother, friend, person?

Are we going to live under fascists?

Why aren't I a better writer?

 

When did all this begin?

I didn't start out this way.

I had fun playing with friends, (no comma as what follows is not a complete sentence)

and was happy and secure in my family.

I did well in school, felt successful.

Then, out of nowhere, my life changed.

 

My body went to war against itself

and I nearly died when I was 12 years old.

Decades of pain and illness took their toll.

Somewhere along the way, I became lost (easier to grasp?)

inside myself and made a series of poor decisions.

I managed to survive them and keep growing.

 

I have experienced suffering, loss and vulnerability. (stronger)

When I find myself worrying about things,

I have learned to stop, to patiently do nothing, sit quietly,

and follow my body which takes me to my feelings.

Joy, sadness, gratitude, fear, they run the gamut.

I no longer ignore them or fight them off.

Unlike my worries, they are real and hard-earned.

 

I suspect that I will always be a worrier

but I catch myself more quickly now. (Great to relate to (new) “first line” again! Coming full circle!)

When worries and fears come, (I suggest)

I am more compassionate towards them

but remain detached, and they dissipate.  (perhaps?) (& then I recommend a Line break here!)

 

I'd rather be fishing.

 

                                                                                                Jerry Roth- October 18, 2022