REVISED both The Lovely Roses and The Beauty of Crows for Thursday December 29 2022 Jill

[jill stockinger]

Thanks to Nedra's suggestions, I revised both poems for Thursday, December 29, 2022.

Thank you for your help, Nedra--it is much appreciated.

Jill

The Lovely Roses    by Jill Stockinger

 

From the effulgent garden,

I choose twelve showy red roses

to compose a bouquet to brighten

the dullness of our dining room.

Though the thorns draw blood,

I  ignore their efforts to repel

my steadfast, intent gathering.

After a week inside, the roses   

pale and droop. I put sugar

in the vase to prolong their lives

but the petals still drop, gently,

one by one, and then in bunches.

Soon, only the scent remains,

and even that fades fairly quickly.

Several roses prick me as I add

their remains to the compost bin.

As drops of blood flower on my hands,

I smile wryly and once again

affirm the truth to that old saying:

“There is no beauty without pain.”

 

I removed “after” and just kept “Soon” in that line- good call, Nedra!

I kept “fairly” because each time I say it, it brings up

the idea of “fair ladies” to my mind, and a quick comparison

of “fair roses and fair ladies.” Though it’s just in my mind-

not written out-the word “fair” keeps it there.

Also “fairly quickly” is a slower amount of time than quickly, to me- I don’t want the scent to fade That quickly!

 

Also revised, with Nedra’s help:

 

The Beauty of Crows                 by Jill Stockinger

 

The beauty of crows is seen

in their blue-green iridescent sheen

and the intelligence burning in their eyes.

Despite the ugliness of their grating cries

and their meddling, quarrelsome nature,

they are like a parable on the wing:

It is wise to use your voice

even if you cannot sing;

some beauty can be found in everything.

 

 

[Nedra Crowe-Evers]

Dear Jill,

Your changes are subtle, but they really do improve each poem. I look forward to hearing them this Thursday!

Nedra

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