My Poem not finished but presenting for Thursday August 11 2022 Nightmare Jill

[jill stockinger]

I look forwards tro getting comments from the group.

I was trying to write it in the "spirit" of the Romantic poets.

Definitely "a work in progress." Not finished.

Jill

Nightmare                by Jill Stockinger

 

My recurring nightmare screams danger.

I am shoved into wakefulness but cannot

stop my trembling or shake off fear.

I see some demonic, febrile brain has

gained the power of creation.

Sick, demented creatures of his twisted,

raving mind spring forth, full-bodied.

These predators perform acts of malice

that bewilder and terrify humankind

and broadcast such despair, it stupefies

all minds in range. They infect nature

itself with unclean spores, unleashing

fast-growing cancers that are spreading

silence throughout our dying world.

Is there truth to any part of this?

[jill stockinger]

Dear Patti and all my Writing Compadres,

I decided to share my answers to Patti with all of you.

Curt seemed to feel somewhat like Patti did, I think.

I went Back and Forth on including "my in "shake off my fear."

I felt it made the word fear less strong. When you add "my"-

the sound of the word "my" dilutes the sound of the word "fear," I think.

Also--

I sort of want fear to be like this huge enveloping Mantle that is hovering over all of us- not just "mine."

I liked  it"bewilders" us because I am implicitly suggesting we are too innocent, too lacking in knowledge or understanding to recognize how awful and 

strong this evil is that is acting against us. We react with a sort of childish bewilderment.

(Why is this happening? We are good people! Why would this happen to us?)

As if our goodness should be some sort of shield against evil acts. Definitely showing their confusion.

I do say his twisted mind.

His mind produces creatures (plural). 

The lines that start with "These predators perform acts, I switch subjects.

1.  These predators perform acts.

2. (and then) THESE PREDATORS (subject "understood)  infect nature with unclean spores

3. The spores unleash cancers

Not sure it is clear enough in the poem.

Jill

On Mon, Aug 8, 2022 at 12:36 PM patti santucci <pattis...@comcast.net> wrote:

Really interesting poem. My suggestions would be:

In the third line, I might say...stop my trembling or shake off my fear.

(I just like the rhythm of the repeat of "my")

On the ninth line, the word "bewilder" sticks out to me. I think of bewilder in almost childlike terms - not frightening but more curious or confusing. Not sure about a different word but something that has fear inside the curiosity?? I see you do have terrify, making it clear, but (well, I'm rambling here) bewilder just seems so innocent. It does, however, work well with broadcast.

I also notice that you say "his" twisted, raving mind as well as a demonic, febrile brain) and later say "they" infect nature.

Scary world, there.

Patti

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