Re: Child Soldiers: Their Connection to the "Blood Diamond" ROUGH COPY

[connor...@hotmail.com]

You did a good job of breaking down the process and reasoning behind blood diamonds. There are a couple of grammatical errors though, that make some of your sentences seem a bit awkward. Is this all I have to say for marks?

On Thursday, October 11, 2012 2:27:08 PM UTC-4, Anthony wrote:

The essay still needs a lot of work. Needs to connect and link more between the two topics and actually have a point to prove; In addition, I need to obviously add more information/conclusion. I'll add footnotes and such in my final draft. Otherwise, I think its a substantial rough copy. Don't rip it apart too much :P

[Connor "the kid" Duggan]

Okay so this is for 20 marks so I feel like I have to expand to get those marks... For example, you could change your opening sentence to read something like this: "Diamonds have always occupied a high place in the world, for both the consumer and provider*, as they always fetch a high price." This could lead you into your next sentence, where you say that where diamonds are found are "the bane of people's existence." You did a very good job of building up the facts surrounding child soldiers and their relation to blood diamonds. You do a good job of going to point A->B->C etc. You're very clear and concise with your facts. There are a couple grammatical errors that make your sentence and paragraph structure a bit awkward, but if you fix this it will flow wonderfully and naturally.

 

*May not be the best word choice, but it's all I got right now.

On Thursday, 11 October 2012 14:27:08 UTC-4, Anthony wrote: