Re: finally figured it out

[Nick Martin]

?

On Wed, Oct 10, 2012 at 4:39 PM, BB <bianca...@gmail.com> wrote:

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[Koji Umezawa]

what is going on

[Borna Ivankovic]

On Wednesday, October 10, 2012 4:39:13 PM UTC-4, BB wrote:

you could give more information on his childhood and his parents and what life was like in queensbridge. it seemed a lttle all over the place with all those quotations, they dont really flow well with your paragraphs at all. you give very vague info on his career. what is he doing today? what other accomplishments did he recieve? be more specific. just flow everything better and be more specific and you should be good. a good introduction should help as well.

[Naweed Z]

Going through your project, I have seen some grammatical errors, re-read your work and correct. Also, it lacks some flow, you need to improve on it, especially with the quotes. In the beginning you have two quotes back to back, add a sentence in-between that to make it flow nicer. Another thing is that you are to vague in some cases, for example you mention Queensbridge, okay, but where exactly is it? I also feel as if there is some information that missing, that I feel as if I should know. Maybe some more background information? I also feel that you left some parts of his career out, you jumped to far at some points, maybe you can add more fillers and transitions. Talk a bit more about his career, maybe some more hardships and criticisms that he faced as an adult in the business?        

On Wednesday, 10 October 2012 16:39:13 UTC-4, BB wrote: